As a civic-minded, properly-sensitized individual whose avocation involves providing law enforcement officials with a case load, you want to ensure that you're victimizing the right people. No self-respecting desperado, deliberately strays across the line into a hate crime rap. With our help, you can rest easy, secure in the knowledge that you're targeting approved victims for approved reasons (a.k.a. motive).

The easiest way to dodge the hate crime bullet involves picking the right motive. Cutting to the chase: you are free to victimize anyone, as long as your motive passes muster. A useful rule of thumb states that the more irrational the motive, the higher the approval rating. Utterly random victim selection affords you maximum protection from a hate crime rap.

A few examples should illustrate this point.

Approved Motive:
"On the spur of the moment, I decided to shoot (rob, assault) the next person I met."

Hate Motive:
"On the spur of the moment, I decided to shot (rob, assault) the next beaner (homo, spade, chink) I met."

Approved Motive:
"His dog took a dump in my front yard."

Hate Motive:
"That beaner's dog took a dump in my front yard."

Approved Motive:
"Her shoes made a very annoying sound."

Hate Motive:
"That dyke's shoes made a very annoying sound."

Approved Motive:
"He (or she) wore yellow and I'm off yellow, today."

Hate Motive:
"That chink wore yellow and I'm off chinks in yellow today."

Motive resides at the pinnacle of hate crime avoidance, if, and only if, the desperado is properly-hyphenated. Oppressors (unhyphenated white males) are judged, entirely, on the immutable characteristics of their victims.

If your foray into law enforcement case load enhancement is motive-challenged, victim selection becomes vital. Several elements must be considered during victim selection. In order of importance they are: race (ethnicity), sexual orientation, religious affiliation. Taking each item in turn, we offer the following guidelines:

Race/Ethnicity:
The darker the skin, the higher the risk. Unhyphenated whites are fair game.

Sexual Orientation:
GLAAD BAAGs are very high risk. Straights are fair game.

Religious Affiliation:
Mecca Maniacs and Torah True Believers are very high risk. Buddhists and Hindus are only a slight risk. Christians are fair game.

It only sounds complicated. In reality, it's boils down to a few simple rules:

Rule 1: You can't be nailed for a hate crime if you restrict your victim choices to members of your own clan (Your own clan includes race, sexual orientation, and religious affiliation).

Rule 2: You'll never be nailed with a hate crime if you victimize heterosexual, white male Christians. They don't even register on the hate crime victim radar.

Rule 3: Avoid perpetrating your crime in sections of town that are heavily populated by rival clan members.

If you're rock solid on motive, go forth and pursue your career in law enforcement case load enhancement. If you feel a bit 'wobbly' as the Brits would say, take the time to interrogate your intended victim to determine that they don't harbor some undetected hate crime risk factors. It only takes a few moments and saves you from Guest-of -the-State status, on the off chance that you are escape-plan-challenged. Perpetrate in haste, repent at leisure (20 years to life).