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PIG
NEWS DIGEST
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DECEMBER 2005
Fark Teasers of the Week
Source: Fark Internet Site "PETA staffer legally changes name to KentuckyFriedCruelty.com. NeverGettingLaidAgain.com was apparently taken." [12/30] "Woman, 103, to see first Packers game. Will probably see some action at running back in second half." [12/30] "Oprah's plane grounded after hero bird flings itself into windshield during takeoff. Oprah planning "The birds are now our enemies" show next week". [12/27] "Mother of All Bombs" creator dead at 67. Which is odd, since Kevin Costner is only 50. [12/26] Weekly Fun Facts Roundup Monday The plan: Boost a pizza deliveryman's ride. The plan: Boost some copper wire from a electrical substation. Tuesday All things considered, the ACLU is an inspired choice. They must be very familiar with the ordinance since, according to City Attorney Charles Wetzler, "the latest version of the ordinances was drafted with the ACLU's input." Newly married Christina Aguilera plans to change her sleezy image to something more suitable to a married woman. File this tidbit under, "how to put your career in the toilet". Wednesday Are we the only ones who think that taking out a gas bag like Oprah would put a big damn dent in Global Warming? Probably, but we can live with that. Thursday We had no idea that Disneyland was so desperate for a new attraction that it is seriously considering adding "Burning Hotel" to its theme park adventures. Friday At press time, PIG can't confirm that Jacob set a new record for shortest time between a Judicial gavel and the ensuing probation violation. There's dumb. There's very damn dumb. Then there's Jacob Vanderven. Saturday How cool must that be? Everyone knows you can't be trusted with money but it's no problem. Whenever you squander all your available credit, you give yourself permission to borrow even more. Quotes of The Week Topic: Immigration "Securing our nation's borders from a potential terrorist threat and from the illegal entry of people, weapons and drugs is absolutely paramount. Through Operation Streamline II, we are able to target a federal government offensive in the Del Rio area intended to dramatically reduce illegal activity and deter future activity." (U.S. Border Patrol Chief David V. Aguilar) "ICE is committed to a seamless partnership with federal, state and local entities to ensure there are consequences for those who violate our nation's immigration laws. We will prioritize our resources to ensure those who enter illegally are removed expeditiously. Operation Streamline II recognizes the critical importance of detention and immediate removal as deterrence to future illegal migration." (John P. Torres, acting director of U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement's Office of Detention and Removal Operations as quoted in the Washington Times) Topic: Entertainment "If your claim to fame is being the friend of some guy who banged Paris Hilton, the only thing you should worry about is sitting beside him in the hot tub." "Now all that's left is to determine who still cares about Tori Spelling. We can round them all up in a spaceship and shoot them into the sun. It might not be the most humane thing to do, but sacrifices have to be made for the greater good here. And by greater good, I mean the global IQ of the world." (The Superficial) Weekly Fun Facts Roundup Sunday Monday Him:. "I'm here for a parking ticket." Tuesday At press time PIG was unable to confirm a rumor that humming a Western tune has also been banned. If you must hum, do it very quietly, because you never know when a Mullah might be listening. That's what passes for liberty in Iran, al-Sparky. Wednesday Admittedly, the PIG staff doesn't spend much time in the City of Angels, but we'd get there, some damn how. It's a damn shame about those missing invites because we were looking forward to getting up close and personal with Je$$e and Calypso Louie. There's no telling when we'll get another chance to wear our festive 'burn in hell you rat bastard' kevlar vests. Sigh. Thursday Fact Two: She gave her hubby a thrilling welcome home, by having him killed. The perps were her 16 year old daughter's 18 year old boyfriend, Zeke, and Monique's 18 year old live-in boyfriend, Latwon. Fact Three: During a walk in the woods, Paul was shot to death and Monique got a wound in her shoulder. A 26 year old woman with a 16 year old daughter? What's up with that? Would it help if I told you this happened in North Carolina? Probably, but the truth isn't that thrilling. The 16 year old Southern wenchlet is her step daughter. Aren't you just a tad ashamed of yourself, South-bashing Sparky? Quotes of the Week More "Israel Sucks, and so does the West" Prose from that Iranian Wingnut "If your civilization consists of aggression, making oppressed people homeless, suffocating the voices of justice and bringing poverty to a majority of the world's people, we say loudly that we hate your hollow civilization." "Today, they have created a myth in the name of Holocaust and consider it to be above God, religion and the prophets. "If you committed this big crime, then why should the oppressed Palestinian nation pay the price? This is our proposal: if you committed the crime, then give a part of your own land in Europe, the United States, Canada or Alaska to them so that the Jews can establish their country," he said, developing a theme he raised in Saudi Arabia last week." A Best Selling Author Paints a Bull's-Eye On Twerpy Tommy Cruise "There are misconceptions about psychology, especially when people out there like Tom Cruise say there's no evidence of chemical imbalance and psychiatric disorders. There's going to be some girl or boy who worships this megastar, who decides, 'I'm not going to take my anti-depressants because Tom Cruise said I don't need drugs'." Compelling Prose about the "war" on Christmas "It’s not majorities that leftists despise – it’s Western majorities. And when, due to their fraudulent campaign, Western people in a Western country must worry that “Merry Christmas” will be taken as an insult to non-Westerners or secularists, it’s time for every citizen of that country – Christian, Jew, Muslim, atheist, or Hare Krishna – to fight this abomination. We must all help protect the right of Christians to sing “Silent Night” publicly at a Nativity scene – because if they can’t do that, there’s no telling what the rest of us won’t be able to do next." An actor takes on 'Black History Month' "You're going to relegate my history to a month. I don't want a black history month. Black history is American history." "...[The only way to end racism is to "stop talking about it."..."I am going to stop calling you a white man and I'm going to ask you to stop calling me a black man." (Morgan Freeman from a "60 Minutes" interview) Stop the Presses Quotes from 'The Superficial' Site "If you're a guy, and all your resume says is 'professional dancer', the only jobs you're really qualified for involve g-strings, body-wax, and rousing games of Mr. Tickle-Feather with guys in leather skirts." (The Superficial on Mr. Titney Spears) "When the words 'Tom Cruise', 'sauna sweating' and 'cooking oil' come together in a story, I also fully expect to see some combination of the words 'publicist rigorously denies' and 'drunken ass-pirates'." Weekly Fun Facts Roundup Sunday Initially, Yankee raised the price of natural gas due to supply shortages. To help mitigate that added cost, Yankee asked customers to conserve. Now, because the ensuing conservation thrashed their bottom line, Yankee wants to raise prices to cover the revenue shortfall. The customer's choice is simple. He can pay more for the amount of gas he normally uses. Or, he can pay a lot more for using a lot less gas than he normally uses. Monday Given their prevailing pariah status, smokers need not wait for some activist cabal to come to their rescue. It's not in the cards because smoking is the epitome of inkorrectness. Tuesday Why are these Brit bankers stopping at half measures? If getting rid of the clocks keeps them from complaining about the long wait, why stop there? Board up the windows and turn off the lights so nobody will notice that you've only got one teller window open. The saddest part of this epic is that asinine as it seems, it just dumb enough to work. When, exactly, did the Brits outlaw watches? Wednesday Thursday Friday Workers face losing two days pay for every day they're on strike and the city wants each striking union member to pay $25,000 in damages the first day, a sum that doubles every day thereafter. The union is facing one million dollars in damages the first day, a sum that doubles each day thereafter. Ouch! Saturday Things that made me do a double-take: Things that reset the bar for crap: Fark Teasers of the Week "Police hunting for a man who fled a hospital with traction apparatus, his skull in a "halo" and both arms in casts. He must be enjoying some serious pain killers." [12/14] "You may need a new gunner for your tank if, during target practice, the current one shells a monastery." [12/14] "Reporter figures out the mystery of why Hooters is so popular. Shockingly, he discovers it's not because of the food. " [12/14] "Pope denounces materialism from balcony of marble, gold-domed building in midst of jewel-encrusted religious icons while wearing giant gold cross." [12/11] Quotes of The Week Topic: Politics " ... And there is no reason, Bob, that young American soldiers need to be going into the homes of Iraqis in the dead of night, terrorizing kids and children, you know, women, breaking sort of the customs of the - of - the historical customs, religious customs." (John Kerry as quoted by News Max) Topic: Entertainment "Being first in line for a Paris Hilton gangbang is like being the first kid in kindergarten to tie your shoes. It's nice and all, but almost everyone else in the world has already done it. Even lepers." "It seems the Jackson family is fine with Michael’s megalomania, Peter Pan syndrome, child molestation, completely ridiculous plastic surgery, baby dangling, sham marriages, terrible music, and high-voice-talking, but drug binges are just too much to bear." (The Superficial) Topic: The White House's "Generic" Christmas Card "This clearly demonstrates that the Bush administration has suffered a loss of will and that they have capitulated to the worst elements in our culture." (William Donohue, president of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights as quoted by the Washington Post) "Sometimes it's hard to tell whether this is sinister -- it's the purging of Christ from Christmas -- or whether it's just political correctness run amok. I think in the case of the White House, it's just political correctness." "It bothers me that the White House card leaves off any reference to Jesus, while we've got Ramadan celebrations in the White House. What's going on there?" (Tim Wildmon, president of the American Family Association as quoted by the Washington Post) Topic: A Class Action Lawsuit Against Soft drink Companies "We haven't decided about [how much we'll steal from soft drink companies] yet. We don't want this to come off looking like a greedy-lawyer lawsuit." (Stephen Garden, staff shyster for the Junk Science poster punks at Center for Science in the Public Interest) Topic: The Holocaust "Some European countries insist on saying that Hitler killed millions of innocent Jews in furnaces and they insist on it to the extent that if anyone proves something contrary to that they condemn that person and throw them in jail. Although we don't accept this claim, if we suppose it is true, our question for the Europeans is: is the killing of innocent Jewish people by Hitler the reason for their support to the occupiers of Jerusalem? If the Europeans are honest they should give some of their provinces in Europe -- like in Germany, Austria or other countries -- to the Zionists and the Zionists can establish their state in Europe. You offer part of Europe and we will support it." (Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as quoted by Reuters) Weekly Fun Facts Roundup Sunday For a firsthand report from the bird wars, we bring you these choice words from rooftop weather wrangler, David Potter: "It can be really bad and it's getting worse. It is my fourth year doing the job and there are more and more gulls. The big gulls swoop at my head and are backed up by half a dozen others which scream and dive-bomb me. It's very distressing but at least we now have crash helmets to protect us from being pecked about the head and face." Talk about your hostile working environment! Monday Determined to set the record straight, he plans to make a film about the daring deeds performed by "Deuce Four" - the 1st Battalion of the 24th infantry. We're pleased to report that Bruce does more then talk about "Deuce Four"; he attended their homecoming ball in Seattle, recently. In addition to his cinematic efforts to showcase our men and women in uniform, Bruce also offered a $1,000,000 reward for information leading to the capture or killing of Osama Bin Laden, Ayman Al-Zawahiri or Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. PIG salutes Bruce for putting his money, and his creative energy, on the line to support our troops. Heartfelt kudos are conferred on this rare breed: a Hollywood patriot. Tuesday Don't look for those familiar Bible scenes on a new calendar put together by some young German Cross Cultists. Granted, its theme is decidedly biblical, but the pictures are a hormone gorilla's fantasy come true. The calendar includes 12 "erotic scenes from the Bible, including a bare-breasted Delilah cutting Sampson's hair and a nude Eve offering an apple" (Reuters). I know what you're thinking Sparky, and I'm with you, but my Reuters news source didn't include an order form. Life is so sucky that way. Wednesday If these two gangs stop killing each other, and all those innocent civilians, Arnold will grant Tookie a 30 day stay of execution. This stay will be renewed every 30 days, as long as the two gangs keep the peace. But, the instant one or both parties breaks the peace, it's Took, Took, Tookie Goodbye. Of all the schemes to save Tookie from reaping what he sowed, this one is the pick of the litter. Leaving Tookie's fate in the hands of some murdering gang banging thugs sounds like justice to me. Kiss it goodbye, Tookums. Thursday Speaking of crimes, Orange County (Florida) cops will be busting parents who j-walk with their tykes. The charge? They're making noises about felony child neglect. Learmington, Ontario has a new law that limits a homeowner to three garage sales per year. That 4th garage sale could cost those sales minded homeowners a hefty $5,000. Friday It's bad enough when the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department confiscates your firearm, without a valid reason. But, it turbo sucks when they charge you a $54.00 storage fee to get it back. They want me to pay to retrieve a gun that they had no reason to take in the first place? You take my gun, erroneously, but I still need to shell out $54 to get it back? Bite me, greedy Sheriff punk. Saturday The Main Event: A high speed chase ensues during which our hero escapes. Cops have the last laugh when they find him and a cohort parked on the side of the road, passed out. The Crowning Moment: During a search cops find some coke stashed in - this is not a joke - our hero's butt. The Bitter End: Our hero winds up in the intensive care ward after he repossesses his coke and swallows some of it. Loser of the Week: A man spends more than $500,000 to build his dream - Legends Sports Pub and Grille. But, the dream is on hold, because he built this tavern in a district where adult beverage sales are banned. Anyone for lemonade? Fark Teasers of The Week The Utah Department of Transportation wants you to know that, this year, it won't be shooting errant 105mm Howitzer munitions into people's houses. In other news, they have to announce this? [12/09] Having successfully thwarted the sale of over seven vehicles, American Family Association calls off Ford boycott. [12/05] Patrick Stewart on "X-Men 3": "Everything was fine when I left the set. I've finished my filming now and it's all looking great." Translation: "It sucks donkey balls". [12/05] Weekly Fun Facts Roundup Sunday Taking "earned" to its illogical extreme, lets suppose a differently-ethical individual steals a bag of money from store. Under this "earned" paradigm, if the thief keeps it long enough he, she, heshe or it will be granted "earned possession" of the money because the sticky fingered cretin got away with the theft for the requisite period of time. If you break into my home, I don't give a rip how long you linger, you're still a damn invader. The instant I catch you, your sorry butt is out of here, un-damn-invited Sparky. Monday Technically, the uniforms worn by Uncle Sam's Border Patrol agents are made by an Amerikan firm, VF Solutions of Nashville. But, when you look at the label sewn into the uniform, it's will read "Made in Mexico". That's right, secure our borders, now, Sparky...For more than a year, VF Solutions outsourced the manufacturing of our Border Patrol uniforms to the country that provides the lion's share of border jumping scumbags: Mexico. Border Patrol uniforms that are "Made in Mexico"! What could possibly go wrong? Tuesday Speaking of Ruskies, a Russian shyster named Igor Smykov is staging a one dolt campaign to evict 'The Simpsons' show from Ruskie TV. First, he tried to convince a Moscow City Court that Homer, Bart, Marge, Maggie, and their Springfield cohorts are promoting drugs, violence and homosexuality so egregiously that the show morally damaged Mr. Smykov's 9 year old son. When the court issued the Ruskie legal equivalent of "Bite Me", this clown retooled his whine and is going to tilt "the Simpsons suck" windmill at the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg. Wednesday For starters the word Happy must be deeply offensive to manic depressives, those cursed with clinical depression, plus all those people for whom every day is turbo crappy. "Happy" is an in your face insult to these chronically unhappy campers. Holiday is equally suspect since it stems from the Middle English term haligdaeg which translates as holy day. Happy Holy Day? That's destined to offend Michael Newdow and his differently-pious pals. What should we do? Daring to think outside the box, PIG offers this all purpose salutation for your consideration: "Generic greetings of the season." Merry Christmas, PIGsters. Thursday It's not breaking news when a car thief steals a car from a Moscow repair shop. However, I it's damn sure braking news when the car thief boosts a Nissan Pirmera that was in the shop because its brakes suck. Less than a block from the scene of the crime the car thief found out about the crappy brakes, the old fashioned way, when he slammed into an SUV. Book 'em Danski. It's not breaking news when you dial a wrong number. It's still not breaking news when you ask the man at the wrong number you dialed to bring you some crack. It's stop the presses news when the dude you dialed erroneously is a police detective. In this instance, the wrong number dialer got what he needed, a graybar guest suite. Friday
Bill, dude, the shock treatments aren't working. It's time to kick the voltage up several notches. Things that go"bump II: Tommy Cruise and his Scientology homeboys created a subterranean archive in the New Mexico hills, where they preserved the vast wisdom of their founder, L. Ron Hubbard. Inside the steel-lined, nuclear blast proof tunnels, preserved on thousands of metal records that are stored in heat resistant titanium boxes, are chapter and verse on L. Ron's vast Scientology musings. Millions, billions of years from now visitors will be able to disinter this Scientology stash and laugh their butts off - assuming E. T. has a butt - over the wonderfully weird world of Scientology. Saturday Will Hal be back? Don't know. A better question is why Hal, a dude whose whole career is built upon prophecy, didn't see this one coming. NOVEMBER 2005
Stray Synaptic Activity Source: Pagan Scribbler Prattle Tantrum [11/26] The Holiday Shopping News Cycle The next phase of the holiday shopping story brings us tragic tales about worried capitalists fretting that they're not getting enough business to eke out a profit. Stories about frantic price slashing and capitalists on suicide watch appear regularly, until, sometime in January, in a small, one sentence story on page ZZZ 99,000 our preferred fishwrap reports that retailers are - ever so quietly - admitting that same store sales are up from the previous year. Just once, it would be nifty if the capitalists and their news nitwit cohorts would cut to the chase and admitted that, once again, a retailer bankruptcy epidemic is not forthcoming. As spiffy as that would be, I'll refrain from holding my breath...again. Jessica Simpson Gets Unhitched Speaking of Jessica, am I the only one who is seriously creeped out by her papa Joe? Joe is capital "W" WEIRD and that's a fact. Weekly Fun Facts Roundup Sunday C-SPAN did itself proud last night, but I'm holding out for a junkyard dog cage match between Tancredo and Ford. That's probably too hot for C-SPAN, so we'll need to shell out for pay-per-view. "Rage in a Cage?" I'm ready if you are, congressional melee Sparky. Monday Making the show must see T.V. is this tidbit: contestants were screened by a shrink so they could pick out the ones who are the most gullible. Tuesday "If you're in a burning building you want to know it's on fire before you reach the 14th floor." Wednesday Not to be confused with a pseudo sporting event called the Winter Olympics, the Gluttony Olympics features an impressive array of food-related events, all of which involve jamming, ramming, cramming, stuffing, and squeezing ridiculous, life-threatening, mountains of food into each participant. You're dubbed a winner if, after that third helping of pumpkin pie, you refrain from impaling Aunt Nellie with your buckle when your belt explodes from the strain. Thursday It's the day before Thanksgiving and already three houses were destroyed because some Emeril wanna be went non-clinically bonkers by tossing a turkey into a big pot of boiling oil then left it to do what comes naturally: Euguene, Oregon: a newly completed house became a pile of well-done ashes when an unattended turkey fryer with a broken thermometer caught fire. El Paso, Mexas: A turkey fryer was being used, inside the house and left unattended. Fire, plus boiling oil turned the domicile extra crispy. Nolensville, Tennessee: A turkey fryer left unattended on the house's rear deck, overheats, catches fire and turns the log home into charcoal. Friday How bad was she? During my 'formative years' the state health officials imposed a 10 square mile quarantine around our house every time she unleashed one of her virtually indescribable casseroles. More alarming still, her last attempt at a 'new recipe' sent up a toxic cloud so virulent that it caused a three-state wide evacuation and made the whole area unlivable for the next 15,000 years. Is it any wonder I get the screaming night sweats every time some family values dweeb starts babbling about 'one of mom's unforgettable home cooked meals'. Intelligent and articulate, my mother demonstrated a wide range of talents in numerous endeavors. Suffice it to say, that the aforementioned talents did not include cooking. Saturday Speaking of incomprehensible political hack drivel, we have this gem from Mexifornia Senator Diane Feinstein. She spewed this twaddle while discussing her plan to grant "legal status" to some border jumping scumbag farm workers. "Please don't use the word 'amnesty'. It's not an 'amnesty'. It's an 'earned transition'." Sad fact: Ms. Feinstein is, comparatively speaking, the saner of the two clowns the no longer 'Golden' State sent to the U.S. Senate. This Week's Winning Fark Teasers "Xbox 360, much like Courtney Love, found to be very unstable, riddled with bugs, and available for $400." [11/23] "Pastor accused of rape "falls" off 1500-foot cliff. God wanted for questioning." [11/23] "Canadian police being trained to detect pot-smoking drivers. Apparently the smell, smoke, five-mph paranoid driving and bags of Cheetos on passenger seat not enough of a giveaway." [11/23] "Angelina Jolie nearly passes out in airport. In other news, a new land speed record was set by the emergency workers rushing to administer CPR to Ms. Jolie." [11/22] Weekly Fun Facts Roundup Sunday Things got painfully real in a Woodruff High School (South Carolina) classroom when the instructor's adventure in applied chemistry blew up - literally - after an instructor mixed sodium and water in a dish. It's supposed to make sodium hydroxide, but in this case it made a loud noise when the mixture exploded. Fifteen students got hit with the debris, but no serious injuries occurred. If you're thinking "tenured Educrat idiot", join the club. Monday Our scary fact of the day comes from the Overlawyered Internet site: "At last count, Congress Assembled contains two physicists, two chemists, two biologists, one geologist, 234 lawyers and an astronaut. This puts the lawyers within striking distance of an absolute majority in the 538-member Congress." (Russell Seitz, "Congressional Math", Wall Street Journal, Nov. 11). Tuesday A Tennessee dude named John Gilmore was untimely ripped from his job at cable, phone and internet purveyor, Knology, after he went public with his conviction that Friday (11/11) marked the onset for the end of the world. John is taking his newly conferred leisure status in stride, since Old Ka Boom "is calling me to do other things". John transposed his signs and portents and that led him to naming the wrong day for the economic collapse of five large U.S. cities. Sayeth John: The end is near, but not "here". Wednesday Mere seconds later, the no longer terrified Tunisian dolly returned to snap Mikey's mug with a cell phone camera. Outraged, Mikey gave chase and demanded that she hand over the photos. She refused, then asked him for "compensation". Their bargaining attracted the cops who settled things the way the jury did in Santa Maria. Mikey wasn't chastised for using the woman's head, and the Tunisian dolly was forced to erase the picture, because her demand for money was "illegal". Thursday The bad news for Mexifornia smokers is that AB17 would make it illegal for them to light up that coffin nail on the beach. The good news for Mexifornia smokers is that a recently signed bill, AB178, mandates that, when you do find some spot in the state where you can light up legally, the coffin nail will be a "fire-safe" smoke that will go out if you don't keep puffing on it. Legicrats don't care if you die of lung cancer, but they draw the line at letting you set fire to yourself due to reckless cigarette operation. Friday The same family member uncorked this gem when she noticed the two extremely tasteful, harmless to the max, tattoos her grandson's new bride sported. "Oh, are you related to the Nazi's?" Last but not least, she declined a walk in a nearby park because. "Walking on dirt gives me Vertigo." Saturday Fast Food D'oh: While dining in a Thibodaux (Louisiana) eatery, a woman's dining pleasure hit a speed bump when she found that her onion rings arrived at her table, cold. What to do? After she complained to the waitress and got nowhere, the woman grabbed a phone and dialed 911. Singularly unamused, the proper authorities arrested the woman and charged her with misuse of the 911 system. Flaming D'oh: A college coed got an unexpected wake-up call when the cell phone she was recharging exploded, sending a plume of flames a foot in the air. She escaped with severe burns, but her LG V 6000 Flip phone was DOA. Fark Teaser of The Week "China brushes off Bush's call for more freedom, wishes he would just shut up and take the money like Clinton." [11/18] Assorted Things That Crossed My Alleged Mind Colorado's Cool Mom "She's so ugly she could make a freight train take a dirt road." If you've managed to avoid seeing the "Cool Mom's" mug shot, count your blessings, because, all things considered, Bill Handel's well chosen words are egregiously complimentary. After looking at her - if you dare - ask yourself the burning question: How loaded would a dude have to be to get his little soldier to stand up and...salute...that? I know that teenage dudes are walking hormones, but I didn't realize, until this very instant, that these rampaging teenage hormones rendered them blind. Hugo Strikes Again Everyone's favorite South American Marxist Wingnut - Hugo Chavez - is back in the news. It's the same old thing, with a nifty new twist. Hugo is still picking fights, but this time around he's after W's best bud, Vicente Fox. The fun started at the recent economic confab in Brazil, where Hugo spouted some hot air about Fox being Uncle Sam's puppy. In a subsequent interview he laid more pointed prose on Vicente, warning: "Don't mess with me, sir, because you'll get stung." More than a tad hot over the way Hugo's warning "strikes at the dignity of the Mexican people and government", Vicente went postal during an interview with CNN en Espanol, during which he demanded an apology, or else. His tag line isn't as fun as Hugo's but it's worth repeating: "We can't allow people to offend our country." Oh really? Obviously, Vicente hasn't read an Internet speed bump named PIG. Following this brisk exchange of views, Mexico recalled its ambassador to Venezuela, after which Venezuela responded in kind. The heated words are still flying back and forth, but, at press time, neither of these pinheads has taken their spat to the next level by breaking off diplomatic relations. If you're guessing that some-damn-how, they'll kiss, make up, then blame it all on Uncle Sam, join the club. Brent Keeps His Minions Busy Raw Fact: In the third quarter of 2005, the FCC received 23,547 indecency complaints. Tammy Bruce, In Her Own Words Tammy Bruce, a PIG favorite, had a lot to say this week: "On Sept. 11 this nation woke up. What I'm suggesting is that Americans - individual by individual - we woke up from a cultural coma. We realized that we had given up this nation to the left and for the last four decades they had hijacked our culture." "The Minuteman Project is a very good example that we realize now that the government can't keep us safe. We've got to be in charge of our own future and we're going to be doing something about it." "In every country it has parasitically invaded - when they realize they're on the losing end, they begin to become panicked. And you see that in the results of the public dialogue." "Not only should we not be ashamed of this nation and afraid of our greatness - we need to embrace it . . . We need to reinforce our values here at home, but absolutely aggressively spread them worldwide." Weekly Fun Facts Roundup Sunday Twins: While eating in a restaurant with magnificent acoustics, I overheard this amazing tidbit. A woman at a nearby table spewed a prolonged monologue about her twin sister. After itemizing their countless similarities, she said, " I look exactly like her, but she doesn't look a thing like me." Monday This fun Jersey fact landed on the front burner on Friday, when a State Superior Court Judge ordered registrar of vital statistics to compile the names of all adult Jersey denizens who achieved room temperature since 1985. And why, you ask, did she need to order this clown to do something that is one of his prime functions? Obviously you know, I know - every rational adult knows - it's part of his job, but, believe it or not, according to those in the know, the state registrar, Joseph Komosinski, "was unaware that was one of his obligations". Tuesday Speaking of supreme irony, the University of Washington made a bid for the Supreme Irony hall of fame when they named the new chairman of U. W.'s Women's Studies Department. After an exhaustive search, the selection committee chose the individual whose qualifications were head and shoulders above the rest. Although everyone agrees that the best individual got the job, the usual subjects have their panties in a wad that the new Women's Studies Dept. chairman is a straight, white male named David Allen. Adding that essential Twilight Zone element is the fact that Mr. Allen tried to turn the job down. Wednesday As fun as "Jesus Juice" sounds, the sleuths at the Smoking Gun tell us that label is what makes it special: '...[the label features] a barely clad man with a sequined glove, shiny loafers, stringy hair, and a black fedora that obscures his face...' appearing to be crucified. At press time "Jesus Juice" is a nifty name, plus a spiffy label, searching for a wine-making partner who has a sense of humor. If all goes as planned and the trademark gets approved it could be in our wine rack sometime next year. Thursday First, and foremost, the AMD processors they're selling aren't available in any of the computer lines Dell offers. In fact, these AMD processors can't be made to fit in a Dell computer because Dell uses Intel only motherboards fitted with an Intel chipset that's not compatible with the AMD processor. Making this epic especially thrilling, Dell isn't even selling the hottest AMD processor, the 'Opteron'. When you add it all up, the answer is clear. This 'we sell AMD' scam is meant for a very exclusive audience, the Judge who will be adjudicating the forthcoming anti-trust lawsuit. Friday Kings owners Joe and Gavin Maloof called members of the Piston brass to apologize in person, after which they placed full page "We're so sorry" ads in the Detroit News. Everyone wants to know who did the deed, but so far, nobody has owned up to it. PIG would love to take credit for this stunt, but we can't. We can ask the burning question: Where was Agent Oink on Tuesday? Saturday Speaking of things that should be taking seriously, we bring you spiffy epic about the recent mayoral election in Hillsdale (Michigan). "Officially" unopposed, but facing a write in campaign by a political neophyte, the city's incumbent mayor took his election victory as a given and refuse to campaign. Imagine his shock when the neophyte - 18-year-old, high school senior Michael Sessions - beat the blase incumbent. The new mayor promises to get started on his new job, as soon as he graduates from high school. Fark Teasers of the Week "Nicolas Cage complains he was not chosen to be next James Bond because he is American. That must be the only possible explanation." [11/07] "Slate explains how to set a Peugeot on fire, other than by turning the ignition switch." [11/06] "Cruise drops sister as publicist after she fails to protect him from negative publicity. Suggested strategy for successor: Bind him, gag him, lock him up someplace he can't talk to anyone." [11/06] Weekly Fun Facts Roundup Sunday Monday Speaking of things that need to be blown off the planet, there's thrilling news from Al Jazerra. In bygone days, these terrorism glorifying asshats called Islamikazes "suicide operations". Proving that Korrectness even works in Arabic, Al Jazeera pinheads now refer to these murdering bastard's antics as: "Paradise Operations". Tuesday Faster than you can say "amen", Rev. Lake did a header into one of those pesky scientific laws when he discovered that water is a thrillingly efficient electrical conductor. I'm guessing that fun scientific fact never cropped up during Seminary. Since the Biblical deity invented these pesky scientific laws, it can't hurt to mention that they still apply, even in church. The legendary, terminally imaginative PIG staff came up with several stop the presses suggestions for Reverend Lake's tombstone inscription, but our esteemed Executive Editor won't let us share them with you. Life is so unfair that way. Wednesday
According to justice system officials, Mayor Hill's secretary is still waiting for permission to deposit his checks, and it's highly unlikely she's gonna get that order while Bobby is in exile. Fear not, duly elected official Sparky, Mayor Bobby's shyster vows that he will continue to conduct city business and sign the relevant paperwork, at home, while he's in exile. Thursday First, be advised that most of the 6,800 Free State participants are from California and Florida. Given that, it's easy to get the big picture. These warm climate colonizers took one look at a New Hampshire winter and decided that moving there was not an idea whose time had come. Maybe these libertarians would have better luck if they recruited their Free State volunteers from such balmy locales as Siberia, Antarctica, Alaska, Canada's northernmost territory and Iceland. Or, they could wait for Global Warming to turn New Hampshire tropical paradise. Friday We know what you're thinking but, before you render than "amen, brother" consider these choice mayoral words about the best way to deal with taggers: "In the old days in France, they had beheading of people who commit heinous crimes. You know, we have a beautiful highway landscaping redevelopment in our downtown. We have desert tortoises and beautiful paintings of flora and fauna. These punks come along and deface it. I'm saying maybe you put them on TV and cut off a thumb. That may be the right thing to do." Thumb whacking? Caning? If he loses that mayor gig, there might be a place for him on the PIG staff. Saturday A key sticking point - one that only PIG envisions - will center on who gets stuck with, uh, custody of, Howard Dean. Another pesky issue is how the capitalism-hating citizens of the Second Vermont Republic plan to sustain themselves. It's probably hopelessly rational of me to consider these things, but somebody needs to do it and it's a slam dunk that none of the pinheads planning to turn The Green Mountain State into a neo-Socialist paradise are doing it. Fark Teasers "Youths in France torch hundreds of cars in yet another night of rioting. Since the cars were all Renaults, damage estimated to be in the tens of dollars." [11/04] "Chirac unveils French Resistance memorial. It has two sections, one for the eight actual resistance fighters, and one for the 300,000 Frenchmen who claimed to have belonged to the Resistance once the war was safely over." [11/04] "French-built Toyota to debut in US next year. Unlike previous Toyotas, this one will offer 5-speed reverse, non-retracting antenna with white flag standard." [10/30] "Harry Reid wants Bush to fire Rove; would also like to magically regain the Senate majority, a simple solution to Iraq, to be 20 years younger, and free cookies." [10/30] OCTOBER 2005
Weekly Fun Facts Roundup Source: Page One PIG's "Today's Fun Fact" [10/29] Sunday Gary bagged an old transit bus, converted it into a rolling eatery, then parked his ride outside his son's Hi-Way Diner. The restaurant doesn't serve people seated in dad's bus, but it does allow them to take their food out there and eat it while they enjoy a smoke. Take that Smoke Nazi Sparky. Since the new smoking ban didn't apply to this situation, the city tried to nail Gary with a zoning violation, but a judge shot them down. PIG salutes Gary for beating city hall with his ingenuity. Quoth Gary: "Gloat! I'm gloating!" Gary Walker is a sterling example of that American classic: the rugged individual. Monday Pennsylvania D'oh: A Bensalem desperado's day went from "dough" to "D'oh" after he used the back of his pay stub for his "give me all your money, this is a hold-up" note. Michael Drennon did his best to cover his tracks by using a marker to cross out his name and address, but it didn't provide much of a challenge for local forensic specialists. Dumb is using your pay stub for a holdup note. Dumber is letting the teller keep it. Hoosier D'oh: An Indiana woman's day went from "dough" to "D'oh" after she stole her parents' credit cards then used them bail her hubby out of jail and get him a lawyer. That shyster will come in handy, because she's busted! Tuesday Despite the fact that Irvine resident Mary Pham lived in the same condo for 16 years, one of her neighbors bogusly claimed that Mary's three kids didn't live in the condo. In a heartbeat, Mary got tagged for an inside the house inspection by the district's residency storm troopers. "We need to come inside your house and inspect the kids' bedrooms and closets." School officials insisted. "Over my dead body, Educrat Sparky", captures the spirit of Mary's reply. The district is hanging tough, making noises about evicting Mary's kids from Irvine's schools. Mary Pham tried city hall, then went lawyer shopping. Give 'em hell, Mary. Wednesday Banned in Turkey: If your name is Walter, William or Quentin or Quinn we have some bad news for you. Your names can get you fined in Turkey because they contain letters that don't appear in the Turkish alphabet. Any signs, ads, fishwraps or official documents that contain the forbidden letters "W" and/or "Q" will get you busted in Turkey. If your dream involved opening "Quinn's Hoochie Palace" in Istanbul you're out of luck, banned letter Sparky. Thursday Critters as prizes I get, more or less, and I sort of get the pooch walking too, but round fish bowls needs some explaining. So far, we're given two likely explanations: round fish bowls make the swimmers go blind; round fish bowls don't give the swimmers enough oxygen. Bold new concept. Friday Banned in Minnesota: Some Centerville pinheads want the city to black flag a Halloween display because it might damage neighborhood tykes. Their panties are in a bunch because Heather Pranke's mock graveyard features gravestones bearing names like: Mike Hunt, Ben Dover, Phil McCracken and Hugh Jass. Heather issued a non-negotiable "Bite Me" to her neighbors, sending them running to the City Council. Saturday A) Call the cops? If you're a PIG staffer, you answered the uncensored version of 'D'. If your name is Benn Hill, you answered 'C' and you're still whining about being afraid to let the kiddies play outside. Grow a pair, Benn. Fark Teasers of the Week "New study says handsome politicians are more likely to get elected than ugly ones. No word yet on why the entire Congress is an exception." [10/27] "Man arrested after attempting to re-enact a scene from "Halloween" on a friend while drunk. May be alarmed by re-enactment of a scene from "Deliverance" by his cellmate." [10/27] Abuse of Power In Florida Boca Raton's police chief, Andrew Scott, is his own worst enemy. Already catching heat for releasing one of his deep pocketed pals from custody, Chief Scott threw caution to the wind when he ordered two assistant chiefs to dispatch an officer to help a local boob tube reporterette named Julie Summers get an interview with an especially elusive local contractor. The officer on the receiving end of this edict from the Chief is Sgt. Jeff Kelly. His orders were quite explicit: follow the contractor until the dude perpetrated any driving infraction, then stop him so the reporterette could spring an ambush interview on her quarry. According to a memo from Sgt Kelly, the ensuing events unfolded thusly:
Before you aim those brickbats at Sgt. Kelly, be advised that he was a very reluctant participant who was coerced into cooperation. As a new Sergeant, and still on probation, he wasn't in a position to refuse. If you want to slam anybody, paint a bull's-eye on Chief Andrew Scott, but save enough tar and feathers for Julie Summers for requesting this police 'assistance' in the first place. Call me names if you must, but both of them deserved to be fired, right damn now! Weekly Fun Facts Roundup Sunday Before the new rules, tattoos were a non issue, unless the skin picture was deemed 'obscene', but that's all changed now. Henceforth, applicants for the Coast Guard must have less than 25% coverage on an exposed limb. Hard limits like 25% are nifty, but how, exactly, do you measure this make it or break it goodie? To date only 26 applicants didn't make the 25% coverage cut. FYI: The army bans any tattoo that shows when the troop is in uniform. "Offensive markings" anywhere on the bod are also banned. The Navy bans visible tattoos, too. Are we all clear on that, tattoo Sparky? Monday Much later, he called to somebody through a nearby grate and, eventually, after he was liberated, he lied to the cops telling them he got lost while looking for his wayward mutt. Compounding his stupidity, he gave the cops his brother's name when they asked for his identity. His whoppers might have worked, if his brother hadn't already arrived on the scene and chatted with the cops. Busted? You bet, but he expected that anyway, which leads us to the final irony. His crimes, driving on a suspended license and a probation violation, are small potatoes, so the cops weren't even looking for the fool. Tuesday In bygone years, Oakley denizens simply wrote in somebody's name, but things are differently now. Today, even write-in candidates must declare their intention to run, before the election. What to do? If nobody steps up to the plate by October 25, the mayor will appoint two new council members in January. I'm guessing it's the Oakley version of traffic school. The judge gives you a choice, pay the fine and take the hit on your driving record or serve on the city council. If you're an aspiring petty tyrant, haul ass to Oakley and file those papers, Sparky. Wednesday Claiming the skin mag is behind the times, UCSB Chancellor Henry Yang, spouts boring stuff about "serious research" and "five Nobel prizes". Spewing the venerable "sexist pigs" canard, Dean of Students Yonie Harris whines: "This is Playboy trading on an old reputation. And I think it's an exploitative thing to do." Playboy didn't say "bite me", but citing the 30 bikini clad wenches they already photographed plus the 100 they expect to record for posterity amounts to the same thing. UCSB still spells 'party'. Thursday Last Wednesday (Oct. 12) the state gas cabal announced that the wholesale price would drop 44 cents a gallon on the following Monday. In a heartbeat cars started dying like flies, because their cheapskate drivers didn't want to pay the high 'old' price, but would squeeze every mile out of the gas they had. One of the most popular "chug, sputter, wheeze, I'm out of gas dummy" spots is the incline of the H-3 heading toward Kane'ohe. It's a cool 13 miles from the nearest pit stop. As savings schemes go this one sucks, since the emergency service call can cost you $55, not including the cost of the gas you need. Friday Speaking of new homes, Mikey Jackson, now a denizen of pervert-friendly Bahrain, is still getting mail at his old digs, Neverland Ranch. This week's stop the presses snail mail came from Santa Barbara County, summoning this noseless pervert for jury duty. Call me names if you must, but I'd love to see his sorry ass in the jury box. Why? Because it's probably the only way he'll ever see the inside of another Amerikan court, again. Saturday The fun started innocently enough when, for reasons we really don't want or need to know, the usual Nanny State nitwits decided to expunge words like "ass", "mule" and "horse" out of the state code. The Montgomery Advertiser reports that, in addition to inserting "equine" 94 times the legicrats "inadvertently used outdated language for other parts of the code" that wasn't supposed be changed. In other words, they took a straightforward task and majorly botched it. The hacks intended to fix it, earlier in the session but they were too busy playing filibuster to get 'er done, so if you plan to get that cash infusions, do it now, Sparky. Fark Teaser of the Week "Detroit man pronounced dead. He was then taken to a better hospital, where his condition was upgraded to "alive"." [10/21] Armed and Dangerous In Alaska The National Rifle Association won a stunning victory over Alaska's gun control dweebs this week, when it persuaded the state's legicrats to enact a law that prevents any Alaska city from imposing stringent gun control laws on the state's sovereign individuals. In addition to overturning existing restrictions on concealed weapons in seven Alaskan cities, the new law prevents any other city from imposing similar restrictions in the future. Under the new law, no city can pass a gun restricting law that is more stringent than the existing state law. Am I the only one who thinks "Locked and loaded" would make a dynamite state motto for The Last Frontier? Probably, but I can live with. Fark Teasers "Toyota recalls 75,000 Prius hybrids, and a time when they made good looking cars." [10/13] "Google and Comcast in talks to take over AOL. Googling for reasons why anybody would want to take over the black hole of suckitude turns up nothing." [10/12] "Artificial blood to be tested on Kansas trauma victims. Next up: Artificial intelligence for the rest of Kansas." [10/12] "Sumo wrestlers face-off in Las Vegas, buffets on strip go on double-high doomsday alert." [10/08] Weekly Fun Facts Roundup Sunday Lacking the nads to tell the mental midgets yammering at them to "bite me", Sloss blinked and changed the name to "Slag's Un-ending Nightmare". Robert Yarborough, the dude producing this annual fright festival, also agreed to change the artwork that showed a man in a straitjacket. So be it. PIG does have one question that needs to be asked: if the offendees are insane, how can anyone tell if they're getting a new psychological boo-boo when somebody uses the term "insane asylum" frivolously? Monday According to the Tri-City Herald (Washington), the woman's 2004 contacts with the school include 50 e-mails and letters, nine visits to the school, 29 letters to the school board and an unknown number of letters to assorted other government entities, plus letters to various media outlets. Hmm. If her personal communications style is that combustible, she might make a dynamite new European correspondent for a information superhighway speedbump called PIG. Tuesday Banning Fido's Fun: Banning Wenchlet Fun: A Tale of Two Fun Cities: Wednesday The Bad: Riding for a prolonged period of time - spending hours each week riding that bike - can damage a dude's nads, because most bike seats put pressure in the wrong place. That's right, Sparky, if you're one of the lucky 5%, that healthy bike riding regime might mean that your favorite appendage won't answer the call when you're eager to get horizontal and squishy. The ugly: The new 'ergonomic' seats aren't that much better than the 'bad', old, ones. The Ultimate Indignity: If you're smelling a class action shyster suit spouting drivel about this being "a public policy issue", join the club. Thursday PIG's top secret sources tell us that alleged Film Maker, Spike Lee, is following in Michael Moore's plodding footsteps with a new HBO documentary titled "When the Levee Broke". Borrowing a page from Louis Farrakhan's playbook, the Spikester will "investigate" those rumors that claim Uncle Sam bombed the levee to chase Melanin-Enriched denizens from New Orleans' Ninth Ward. Here's a tasty bit of Spikester blithering: "I don't put anything past the United States government. I don't find it too far-fetched that they tried to displace all the black people out of New Orleans." Friday Hugo took an indirect swipe at his Cross Cult nemesis by evicting some Christian missionaries from his country this week claiming the missionaries were imperialist infiltrators, spies for the CIA, and besides they were "exploiting", not helping, the 'indigenous people'. It's Pat's turn again. Let 'er rip, dude. Saturday If making a deal with Joe Jackson is Mama Spears idea of sound fiscal management, they better clean out that spare room in the trailer because Titney is gonna need it. The clever scribes at 'The Superficial' site seem to agree. They think Mama Spears should do the sane thing and burn down Titney's house for the insurance money. That's a very bold new concept but a good suggestion, in this instance. Titney made this hell when she married this loser. It's only fair that she burn in it. Fark Teasers "Welsh-language version of Scrabble to be released without the letters X, Q or Z. Quadruple word score if your word uses a vowel." [10/05] "Britney Spears confirms that her 15 minutes are just about up by admitting the existence of a sex tape video." [10/05] "Seattle may ban lap dances at strip clubs. Entire Sonics team requests trade." [10/03] Weekly Fun Facts Roundup Sunday First detail: all the participants are female. Next detail: all the aforementioned females are Mecca Maniac cuties from Pakistan. Third, and terminally nifty, they wore those Islamically-correct pants and long-sleeved shirts. Finally, in order to prevent those paragons of sexual control - Mecca Maniac males - from going on a sexual rampage after seeing athletically-trim women wearing slacks, males were banned from the game. Dudes finally got an eyeful when the 'pictures of the resulting free-for-all -- showing women from the two teams clawing at each others' Islamically-correct outfits of trousers and long-sleeved shirts -- were splashed all over local newspapers'. Am I the only one mulling a "Battling Pakistani Football Cuties" Pay-Per View? I doubt it. Monday I don't know about you, but that damn sure sounds like heaven on earth to us. Now, if Adventure Company could book "cell idiots will be shot" trips to the movie theater, my favorite restaurant and my preferred book store, life would be damn near perfect. Tuesday Speaking of sluts, Paris Hilton is back on the market, now that she dumped her fiancee. According to our top secret gossip sources, the Skank plans to resume her career, whatever the hell that means. Since when did this waste of breathable air have a career? Tara Reid is closer to a career than you are, Skank breath and she's unemployed! Running around without knickers is NOT a career, so take your scrawny stuff back to that rock, crawl back under it where you belong and never bother us again. Wednesday The lefties who infest this once glorious city are thrilled spitless, but one of the city's rare rational adults isn't. He's Dan Scherotter, the owner-chef of the Palio D'Asti restaurant. After reminding the Supervisors that the city already has laws on the books requiring him to post warning signs about mercury and other heath issues, he laid this stellar prose on these lefty hacks: "Don't add additional sign after sign. They just become invisible. There are so many of them. It's not as if restaurants have unlimited wall space." If you visit the Gulag, track Dan down at his Palio D'Asti eatery and have a good meal. Thursday The thrills came fast and furious yesterday when ABC News breathlessly announced that a Marine who worked in the White House for close to three years is a spy. Leandro Aragoncillo used his position in Vice President Cheney's office to steal classified material from V.P.'s file and sent it to some "opposition politicians" in the Philippines. After squeezing that resource dry, he retired from the Marines then got a job in the FBI were he finally got caught downloading 100 files from the FBI's computers. Other notables who might want to warm up the "I have no comment on Leandro" spin machine are: former V.P. Al Gore, William Jefferson Clinton, and Condoleezza Rice. Friday This scheme will make Internet access a public utility/government monopoly like the phone company, electric company and/or cable television access. How thrilling will it be when the city dictates Internet provider choices? How thrilling will it be when Internet access achieves telephone company or cable company levels of suckage? The ultimate horror here is how the city plans to pay the estimated $8 to $16 million cost of citywide WI-FI access. Insisting that taxpayers will not pay the freight, this "free" WI-FI access will feature paid advertising that will make those pop-up ads seem nifty by comparison. Saturday Allegedly rational isle-dwelling adults spout drivel about rabbit burrows causing a quarry crane to tip over, way back when and Quarry workers buy this, because seeing a bunny will make them pack up and go home for the day. Other isle dwellers blame this rabbit phobia on sailors who considered seeing a bunny before setting sail bad luck. These Brits are so bunny bonkers that, for at least 100 years, if you even think the word "rabbit" on the Isle of Portland, the locals might go postal on you. The natives are so twisted about this "r" word stuff that they call Bugs and his kin "underground mutton", or "furry things". Underground mutton! We can't be the only ones who find "the Easter underground mutton" terminally nifty. SEPTEMBER 2005
Fark Teasers Source: Fark Internet Site "Pastor receives surprise delivery of Viagra. Lo, He is risen." [09/30] "Three out-of-shape Britons will take on world's top surfers in Hawaii after entering contest as a joke. Their training consists of eating Hawaiian pizza, switching to low-tar cigarettes and adding lemonade to their beers." [09/30] "For a $100 donation to aid Katrina victims Brian Wilson will give you a personal call. For a $50 donation David Lee Roth will move into your garage." [09/24] Weekly Fun Facts Roundup Sunday When the Normans crossed the channel to bring culture to the artistically deprived British Isles, the ressagier concept went with them. Unfortunately, the British didn't fully appreciate the ressagier, which they shortened to 'ress'. An impatient, unsophisticated people by nature, the British couldn't adjust to the leisurely pace of dining as practiced on the continent. These primitives were always complaining and ranting about 'waiting for the bloody ress', thus giving birth to the modern term 'waitress'. A waitress is supposed to make you wait. If she didn't, we'd call her something else. Monday By state law, the minimum yellow light is 4.3 seconds for a street with a 45mph speed limit. That terminally fun fact means Union City has to dump the 3,000 citations issued by these spy cams, "costing" the city a nifty $400,000. That princely sum doesn't include the time lost processing these bogus tickets. In a perfect world, heads would roll, but you gotta know that never happens to these job-for-life punks. Still, it's cool to see these spy cam punks take one in the shorts. Tuesday Resetting the electoral antics bar much, much higher, the voters in Upper Dir elected two dead women as councillors. We're not talking about the recently, tragically, departed between nomination and election, room temperature transitions. One woman died 3 years ago and the other achieved room temperature 13 years ago. The red-faced proper authorities vow to investigate, but the pre-investigation spin is "mistaken identity". Yeah, right, as if anyone is gonna buy that bovine excrement. Wednesday Somehow, after complaining that she'd miss her flight, the woman hobbled away, unnoticed, sending the screeners into full blown "Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!" mode. They shut down the airport, searched high, low and in between then unloaded a half dozen locked and loaded planes, without success. This improbably fleet woman eluded them. If they can't track down a woman wearing leg braces, the TSA dolts are a menace to navigation. That's gonna make you feel real safe, the next time you book a flight. Thursday For those who obsess on such things, here are the UFO landing pad Cliff Notes:
It must be thrilling for the parents of his students to learn that Reynaldo has been "communicating with alien visitors" since he was still a mere, tragically-delusional tyke. File this under "If you build it, they will come", in your fun facts archives. Friday Not breaking news you say? Typical Donkey Clan-Elephant Clan hijinks you insist? Perhaps, but the fun fact here is that Mr. Campfield is lily white and he's playing this particular race card for all it's worth: '..."My understanding is that the KKK doesn't even ban members by race," [our race card waving hero told AP], adding that the KKK "has less racist bylaws" than the black lawmakers' group...' (Tennessean). File this epic under "Now We've Heard Everything" in your fun facts archive. Saturday To make matters that much worse, our criminally slandered hero was born in Central Asia - one of those terminally boring, bring your own snow shovels in 'summer' places that's part of Russia, now. With a great big nothing to get him out of the house - away from the dreaded Mrs. Attila - our hero had to put up with Mrs. A's relentless nagging about how miserable their lives were and how much better their European (Roman) counterparts had it. After a long, long winter of being locked up with the acid-tongued Mrs. A, who can blame our boy for taking out all that pent-up hostility on the rest of Europe? After being trapped alone with that dragon lady, you'd be more than ready for a fun filled summer of rape and pillage, too. Weekly Fun Facts Roundup Sunday A Bulgarian hunter got in a tussle with his trusty hunting dog while shooting quail. When the dog returned with the bird in its mouth, the mutt refused to turn it loose. Annoyed, the hunter smacked the dog with the butt of his shotgun. Unwilling to take that crap from anybody, the dog lunged, hit the trigger and gave his master a bellyful of buckshot. Neither the mutt or its owner was available for comment at press time. Monday As far as I can tell, 'hunting' in France entails plying chicken with Bambi when he tries to gore you. (It might help if you picture a cheese eating bull fighter in a beret.) A prime example of this French hunting style is the 60-year old Surrender Monkey who played chicken, and lost, when the deer gored him to death. I can hear the eulogy now: Pierre went toe to toe with Bambi and Bambi kicked his ass. Somebody should have told Pierre that a white flag doesn't work on an enraged buck. Tuesday Outraged bureaucrats whine that this the list was published deliberately, by certain unnamed malcontents who wanted to sully the reputation of the Kolkata Police. They didn't fire anybody, yet, but they did 'censure in writing' Detective Chief Singh. File this epic under "it pays to advertise" in your Fun Facts archives. Wednesday While addressing Manhattan's Fordham University School of Law, a teary eyed Danski indulged in his familiar hyperbole about journalism. Citing the Watergate era interview where he pinned Nixon's ears back, Dan whined about increasing political pressure since those career highlights. He moaned about a "new journalism order." He also babbled about 'the "dumbed-down, tarted-up" coverage, the advent of 24-hour cable competition and the chase for ratings and demographics -- [that] has taken its toll on the news business. "All of this creates a bigger atmosphere of fear in newsrooms."..' Dan needs to stop puffing weed and increase the voltage on his shock treatments, because he's partially responsible for journalism's fall from grace. Thursday The couple's life of wedded bliss hit a speed bump before the ceremony finished when they celebrated their union with a liplock while some hymns were still being chanted. That easily they violated this rustic blight's decency laws and spent their first day of marital bliss mired in the Indian justice system where they were offered a choice: 10 days in a dothead slammer for public kissing, or, pay a fine and get the hell out of Dodge. They paid and got. "Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?" Friday Believe it or not, this isn't the first time an Airbus A320 series had this sideways nose gear problem. In fact, this is (at least) the seventh time an Airbus had this locked sideways problem with the plane's nose gear. In all cases, including the one we just watched, the planes made a safe landing. Still, someone at Airbus should fix this problem before it gets somebody killed. Saturday A Pensacola (Florida) gas station jockey named Pam Pease, knew it was gonna be one of those days, when two clowns made off with her 1994 Ford Escort while she performed her assign duties at the gas station. Her day went from terminal suckage to "go figure" when, an hour later, the two car thieves returned to the scene of the crime in Pam's missing ride to fill the tank with gas. Aided by another gas station employee Pam reclaimed her ride, and helped the men in blue bag the two dimwits. Book 'em, Dano, stupidity in the first degree. Fark Teasers "Coretta Scott King released from hospital after heart attack and stroke. Jesse Jackson promises investigation of racism in cholesterol, high blood pressure." [09/23] "INXS to replace frontman with Canadian Elvis impersonator, causing vortex of suckage so large it makes Celine Dion sound good." [09/21] "Mars, Inc. develops healthy chocolate-like snack that lowers bad cholesterol. Mars HQ deploys force field to repel Oprah." [09/20] Weekly Fun Facts Roundup Sunday: We know what you're thinking and we strongly advise that you don't go there. Kindly spare us your "stop bashing the Golden State" prose, because we don't want to hear about it. Why? Because the top secret PIG bunker might be located in Mexifornia so, we could actually know whereof we speak, for a change. Monday: Now, in addition to dragging your sick butt down to the drug store, you need to show a photo I.D., sign your life away, then hope that the miserly amount they give you gets you through the night. And the drug punks? They'll buy all the Sudafed and Nyquil they need for their illegal business in Canada or Mexico then cart it back to the USA over our unprotected borders. When you're sick as a dog and dealing with all this drug war red tape, don't forget to thank your designated Nanny State tormentor. Tuesday: Up to speed on the law of unintended consequences, the group's top NO-NAD worries that abolishing one-man with one woman marriage, might encourage certain "eyes bigger then their uh...business" dudes to shack up with several wenches at once. Willing to take the risk and, since they need those dude votes, this new party will also campaign for a 6-hour work day. A six hour work day AND your own personal harem? Hmm. Wednesday: Michael, dude, what were you thinking? If you shared a round or two of brewskies with any local capitalist, he, she, heshe or it will explain it to you: The lefty asshats love to spend somebody else's money, but making them crack open their own wallet is like trying to sell an ice maker to an Eskimo. It ain't gonna happen. Thursday: Before the aforementioned horndogs start celebrating...Before the aforementioned family values PIGsters get suicidal, there's one final tidbit to consider. The city council might render any new strip club a non-starter if they persist in imposing a city-wide lap dance ban. If you want the rest of the story, you gotta wait until the city council votes on the lap dance ban, next week. Friday: Find a hitman on the internet. Check. Pay him 15 million yen to kill her lover's wife. Check. Sign off on plan to kidnap target, take her into a tunnel and douse her with poisonous bacteria. Check. Accept photos of the intended crime statistic and some white powder as proof the hitman was on the job. Check. Complain to the police, in person, when, after six months, the hitman hasn't done the deed. Check. Go to jail, directly to jail. Do not pass "Go". Do not collect $200. Check and double check. Saturday:
You're absolutely right, Hugo. The United States does not deserve to have the United Nations infesting...residing in our nation. PIG wants to be among the first to insist that Amerika be, uh...punished...by moving this international whine-a-thon, some-damn-where, any-damn-where, as long as its kicked the hell out of the USA. Fun Fark Headlines "Man breaks Guinness world record for longest time watching TV, going 69 hours 48 minutes. Earns extra credit for being forced to watch nothing but ABC." [09/16] "Federal judge rules reciting the pledge of allegiance in schools unconstitutional. That sound you heard was Limbaugh and Hannity's heads simultaneously exploding." [09/14] "Father of the Year Award goes to man who leaves one year old in car holding cocaine after fleeing from police." [09/13] "NASCAR engineers design new military vehicle. Includes spiffy beverage holder, but only turns left." [09/13] Weekly Fun Facts Roundup Sunday: Monday: On a related thought, am I the only one who thinks the last thing Seattle needs is another Communist? Tuesday: I know what you're thinking but there's a downside - literally - to inviting world class hot air wrangers like Tubby Teddy Kennedy, Blithering Bobby Byrd and Michael Moore help dry out the Big Easy even faster. With all that extra tonnage located in the sunken city, New Orleans would descend, much, much deeper into its hole by the ocean. Wednesday: PIG staffers were rolling on the floor after they read a San Francisco Chronicle item that referred to Oval Office playmate, Monica Lewinski as "curvy". Curvy, my butt...The last time we saw Monica, we had an overwhelming urge to harpoon her. Thursday: What's wrong with this picture: Mexico, home of Montezuma's revenge is sending, among other things, three water treatment plants to New Orleans. I'm willing to concede that Mexico has centuries of experience when it comes to perpetrating impure water. However, there is no demonstrable proof that our south of the border neighbor has a clue about getting Montezuma back out of the water. Am I the only one who thinks that Vicente Fox is giving his pal Georgie Bush the political equivalent of the infamous one-finger salute? Maybe, but I can live with that. Friday: Steal car navigation system from the victim's ride. Check. Saturday: This just in! Sean Hannity declares that water is wet. Tomorrow he could, gasp, tell us that the sun rises in the east. Speaking of things that splash, are we the only ones who detect a post shark vaulting stench in Sean's boom box blithering these days? We can't be the only ones who hear those "Sean jumped the shark on his Terri Schiavo coverage" whispers. Heroes Get Grounded On the return trip from a cargo carrying mission from the Pensacola Naval Air Station to their destination in Katrina ravaged Mississippi, two Navy chopper pilots answered an emergency plea from New Orleans where they rescued at least 10 people from rooftops. For their heroics, their commanding officer congratulated them, then grounded them for failing to return directly to base as ordered.
Although the Navy swears the two pilots were not "punished" they do admit that both were "counseled". What nobody wants to explain is why one of the pilots was assigned to be the commander of a temporary kennel after his heroics. The winning quote on this last tidbit comes from publicity flack Nichols: "It's a collateral duty. These guys don't just fly. They do other stuff." Yeah, right, dude, now tell us the one about the Easter Bunny. Weekly Fun Facts Roundup Sunday In theory, the Judicial Council's quest for user friendly jury instructions isn't without merit. But, in practice, is there any way to make the instructions so blatant that an O. J. jury will actually convict the double murderer? Is there any way to dumb down the instructions to prod the Santa Maria morons into nailing the noseless has-been as a child molester? The answer in both cases is no way in hell, shyster punk Sparky. Monday Constitution Day is the ideal time for our elected tormentors in the United States Congress to sit down and actually read the Constitution for a change. It will give these Nanny State hacks a heads-up on the clearly-defined limits the Constitution places on their antics. It won't change the way they abuse our founding document, but it might, at best, let them realize how far they have strayed from their properly Constitutional functions. Tuesday The Bad: The Ugly: Damn! For a moment there I thought we had a solution to our Legicrat problem. Back to the old drawing board. Wednesday Am I the only one stuck by the irony that Amerika's most liberal city is also its poorest? Probably not. I double dog dare you to ponder these two Motor City firsts without smirking Thursday This particular telecommunications blight was set to upload all pictures taken by its camera, instantly, to its rightful owner's web site. The instant the photos landed on the site, the owner alerted the cops who recognized the trio. Aided by this high technology 'gotcha', the cops offered the trio civic accommodations, solving the case in record time. Book 'em, Dano. Friday Those of you pacing the floor worrying about Blithering Bobby Byrd's political future can stop wearing a hole in the carpet. Amerika's venerable Senatorial comic relief just announced his plan to run for a ninth term. There's only one Blithering Bobby and he's coming back for another encore performance. Saturday AUGUST 2005
Fark Teasers Source: Fark Internet Site "Ashlee Simpson will perform on Oprah this fall. NASA scientists on red alert, trying to figure out what effect this "vortex of suck" will have on Earth" (08/26) "Today's sign of the apocalypse: Hillary Duff has the No. 1 album in the U.S." (08/25) "Tara Reid finally admits her breasts are fake, still denies rumor her nipples were gnawed by rabid badger." (08/25) "Problem: Alligators in city lake. Solution: send in some wrestlers. Won't solve the problem, but DVD sales of the ensuing hilarity should cover the cost to fly Steve Irwin to the states." (08/24) "Scientists prove that chimpanzees, like people from Kansas, form societies." (08/22) "Every food festival generates at least one bizarre dish that is a crime against nature. At the Manhattan Potato Festival, it's the mashed potato ice cream" (08/21) "Police arrest man for being drunk in a restroom. The fact that he failed to exit his vehicle before entering the restroom might have something to do with it." (08/21) Weekly Fun Facts Roundup Sunday: "Atheism is [the inmate's] religion, and the group that he wanted to start was religious in nature even though it expressly rejects a belief in a supreme being," the court ruled, turning reality on its head. This just in: A is no longer A. That sound you hear is Ayn Rand turning over in her grave. Monday: In case they ask at the trial, she'll be doing a free "give peace a chance, dude" concert on a 1 acre lot donated by a Crawford, Mexas peace punk. Be there, or be square. Tuesday: This terminally-pushy billboard with an attitude might be somebody's idea of a good time, but it's damn sure not mine. Wednesday: Attention President Niyazov: You might want to rethink this lip synching ban, because, the good news about Ashlee's lip synching exploits is that it's moderately less stressful than her live performance shrieking. Read and heed, Turkmen wingnut Sparky. Thursday: PIG thinks Pritikin Longevity Center and Spa should do the patriotic thing, refund The Maggot his $3,800-a-week fee then put Amerika out of its Maggot-induced misery by harpooning the bloated son-of-a-bitch. Friday: The prime minister is, purportedly, worried about the news coverage that puts his nation in a bad light. I have a hot flash for Mr. Taksin...It's too late to start worrying about your nation's reputation, when every horndog on this planet knows it's the world's most infamous Sex Capital. Saturday: On a related note, am I the only one who is amazed to learn that Finland not only has the boob tube, but they have sufficient boob tube outlets to devote one, exclusively, to Cross Cultism? Probably, but I can live with that. ["Today's Fun Fact" is a daily feature on Page One PIG. If you're not checking it out, every-damn-day, shame on you Sparky.] Pagan Pride? Up to "here" with the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune that are, routinely, cast upon them, some land of hanging chads (Florida) pagans are fighting back with a Pagan Pride Day. Believe it or not, this "we're not animal sacrificing devil worshipers" exercise isn't the first of its kind. That 'honor' goes to the 1998 Pagan Pride Day in Indianapolis. Since then, the idea spread, apparently, because, last year, there were at least 70 of the damn things. If you're a Wiccan, into New Age Mysticism, honoring American Indian practices or just a tarot card afficionado, this Pagan Pride extravaganza takes place in September in New Port Richey's Sim's Park. PIG's vaunted Culture War Radar is detecting a fun-filled culture war skirmish in the making. If the usual Cross Cult suspects show up to bring these wayward pagans back to Old Ka-Boom, PIG News will bring you all the stop the presses details. Chocolate? A Health Food? This just in: in its most pristine state, chocolate - the oft maligned cocoa bean - has a heart-friendly goodie named "flavanols". I know what you're thinking but chill, while I give you your Paul Harvey Moment. Before you start mainlining Hershey Bars, or going bonkers at your local See's emporium, be advised that most commercial chocolate hasn't got these goodies, because, truth be told, they make the chocolate taste a tad bitter. Don't despair choc-o-holic Sparky, some candy makers are putting them back. If you can't wait for a heart-friendly chocolate infusion, we're told that Mars' Dove dark chocolates has flavanols and so do the new Mars Cocoa Via granola bars. And here you were, worrying, needlessly. This Week's Fun Facts This week, PIG inaugurated a new, daily, Page One PIG, feature called "Today's Fun Facts". For those who managed to miss it, it's found "below the fold", in the same column as Top Story. Each week in our news roundup PIG News will give you one more shot at all the Fun Facts revealed during the week by listing all of them on this news page. Here's what you missed, this week: Sunday According to the Urban Dictionary web site, Twerpy Tommy Cruise's antics on that infamous Oprah appearance inspired a new pop culture phrase. The new phrase is "jumping the couch" and it's defined as "The defining moment when you know somebody has gone off the deep end." Monday Tragically, this hero's actions were unappreciated by the local authorities who booked him "reckless discharge of a firearm and felony vandalism". This is no way to treat a hero. No justice, no peace! Tuesday Call us names if that thrills you, but we consider anything that derails Marxist legicrat business as usual terminally nifty. It's not as good as a meteor strike on the state capitol while the legislature is in session, but it's close enough for government work. Wednesday The good news about this new brew is that it packs quite a punch, because it packs a head spinning 25% alcohol. According to one fishwrap, that means it packs six times more ka-pow than your merely mortal brewskie. The bad news is that Boston Beer Company only pumped out about 8,000 of these turbo brewskies, so the starting price is $100.00. You can bet the proverbial agricultural endeavor that it'll set you back a lot more than that, if you can find one. Thursday Since copperheads aren't at the top of the toxic food chain, it took four hours for our hero to realize that he needed immediate medical attention. Our hero is alive - so far - and the dumbest bastard who ever landed in intensive care. Take a hint, PIGsters, don't try this at home. Friday Korrectniks have their properly-hyphenated panties in a wad over the venerable Korrectnik word "minority". Some want to change it, while others want to re-define it. "People of color" is one possible substitute, but "Multicultural," "diverse" and "urban" are also in play. PIG isn't thrilled spitless with any of them. Why not P.H.P. (Properly-Hyphenated Pinheads)? Or, if that's too real, we'll loan them "Ethnocrats", as long as they remember where the found it. Saturday If whitey did his fair share - per U.S. Census statistics - of criminal activity, he'd be housed in a state slammer where he could get his fair share of AIDS. You know what you gotta do, Melanin-Challenged Sparky. Don't make us come over there. Border Jumping Scumbag News Arizona
There are some pesky problems to overcome, not the least of which is certain border jumping scumbag coddlers in county government, but, this seems like a worthwhile idea, if the citizens of Arizona get behind it. If this idea grows legs, PIG News will bring you all the riveting details. Mexico The border jumping scumbag staging areas are perpetrated by "Grupo Beta", a branch of Mexico's Nation Migration Institute:
Mexico is actively perpetrating an invasion of the United States, and nobody seems willing to make them pay for their "act of war" against Amerikan sovereignty. Somebody needs to zap Vicente W. Bush with an industrial strength cattle prod until he pulls his head out of Vicente Fox's butt and takes serious steps to counteract Mexico's on-going invasion of the United States. If Vicente W. Bush isn't up to the job, we need to throw his sorry ass out of office, right damn now, and put an AMERICAN in the Oval Office. Enough is enough! Some Fun Illinois Factoids A Post-Dispatch columnist named Bill McClellan took the NCAA to task after NCAA Korrectniks named the University of Illinois and its mascot Chief Illiniwek as offensive to Siberian-Americans (so-called Native Americans). Here are some excerpts from Bill's entertaining rant:
It's homework time, PIGsters. If you want to render your map of the USA "Korrect", cross out the Siberian-American unfriendly name "Illinois" and replace it with "Bunch". It's the least we can do to sooth those egregiously fragile Siberian-American psyches. Fark Teasers "British bikini beeps if you tan too long. Still working on version that beeps if you're too fat to be wearing a bikini in the first place." [08/11] "Defying physics, attention whores Tara Reid and Paris Hilton "bump" into each other in Greece. Theorized Black Hole of Suckage fails to appear." [08/06] Today's sign of the Apocalypse: Dr Phil signed for five more years. [08/04] If you don't have a toilet in your house, you can't run for office in India. Arkansas politicians hoping this doesn't catch on. [08/03] Woman pursues Ph.D. in air guitar. For those of you keeping score at home, that's one seal broken and only six more to go. The horsemen are mounting up. [08/02] A Cell Phone Tower Tussle, Down East Two Bay State based cell phone purveyors - Nextel Communications, National Grid Communications - are in a nasty whiz-a-thon with the hacks running Kittery, Maine. The fur started to fly when the city dweebs refused to let these cell idiocy enablers build a cell phone tower on a plot of land these capitalists own in this Down East metropolis. Curiously, both sides justify their antics with prevailing law. Kittery hacks cite a town ordinance that 'limits construction of cell towers to within 1,000 feet of the Interstate 95 corridor north of Dennett Road. The selected site was outside this area...' (Fosters Online). The cell idiocy enabling capitalists trump this local edict with the Telecommunications Act of 1996:
The Nanny State nitwits on both sides of this issue are blithely intruding where they don't belong. This intrusion into the marketplace by the feds and the local hacks is an intolerable infringement on these cell idiocy enablers' property rights. As much as I detest cell idiocy and those who perpetrate it, even these cell idiocy enablers have the inherent right to use their rightful property as they see fit. You'll need to excuse me for a few ticks, PIGsters, because saying anything supportive about cell idiocy makes me crave a mega-sized brewskie. JULY 2005
War On Terrorism's Cyberspace Battle Source: Sunday Times (UK) [07/31] The Sunday Times reports that, over a two week period, certain Al-Qaeda affiliated Internet sites are, mysteriously, vanishing from the information superhighway. Nobody is taking bows for this latest victory over worldwide terrorism, but the smart money lays the credit on the doorstep of British Intelligence.
PIG News salutes these unsung, Internet warriors for making it that much harder for Osama and his minions to do their murderous business. Fark Teasers "Alabama votes to urge its citizens to boycott Aruba. Aruba's economic losses estimated at tens of dollars." [07/24] The Enemy In Our Midst Michelle Malkin's July 27, column included this disturbing tidbit about thwarted terrorist attack at Tinker Air Force Base in Oklahoma:
Terrorists armed with rocket launchers come thisclose to nailing a B-1 bomber in Oklahoma! Tell me that doesn't give you the willies. Thanks to Vicente W. Bush's pig-headed refusal to safeguard the nation's borders, it's no longer a matter of "if" the terrorists attack, it's "when", "where" and "how much damage they'll inflict". PIG News thinks it's time for Amerikans from sea to shining sea to demand that our commander in chief take meaningful steps to defend our egregiously wide open borders. This is not a drill. Windy City Politics Strays Into The Fun Zone If you ever doubted that politics, in Chicago, is a blood sport, your doubting days are over. Cook County's Elephant Clan cabal is so fed up with Mayor Richard M. Daley that they're offering a cash reward to anybody who can nail him. The Cook County (Illinois) Republican Party offered $10,000 to the person (or persons) who provides evidence leading to the indictment and conviction of the Windy City's scandal-plagued mayor.
Will the Elephant Clan's antics topple the Daley regime? In a city where patriotic room temperature voters flock to the polls to punch a chad for the Donkey Clan? Not a chance, Sparky. This "Nail Daley" bounty is this pagan scribbler's idea of big time political fun. So sue me. Navy Black Flags New Stealth Ship Navy inspectors black flagged the USS San Antonio - the first in a new class of stealthy amphibious transport ships - deeming the new ship "incomplete" and egregiously unsafe. For those PIGsters who mainline on misery, here are all the pertinent facts:
Making matters worse, cuts in the defense budget forced the shipbuilder, Northrup-Grumman Ship Systems, to make design changes that drive a stake through the heart of the ship's stealth characteristics. For those with short attention spans, here are the Cliff Notes on this epic: the workmanship sucks; the ship is, at this moment egregiously unsafe; it's not stealthy; it cost more than twice the original $830,000,000 sticker price. Otherwise, the USS San Antonio is spiffy as hell. That noise you just heard is the sound of your hard-earned tax dollars being flushed down another military procurement rathole. This just in: $1,850,000,000 just doesn't buy what it use to. Deemed unseaworthy by the Navy inspectors, the USS San Antonio might spend its entire service life tied in a Northrop Grumman Ship Systems dry dock. The 'enemy' will never think to look for it there. Hmm. Maybe I was a tad hasty on this 'not stealthy' claim, because, a shipyard is the last place 'they' will be looking for it. That's not quite 'glass half full', but it's close enough for government work. Green With Envy You can color me green with envy, PIGsters, because columnist Ilana Mercer coined the perfect word for those bomb packing terrorist asshats and I didn't.
Islamikaze rocks! This PIG scribbler confers kudos on Ilana for coining the perfect word for these murdering bastards. Renegade
SUV Rampage in El Paso The headline stopped me dead in my tracks: "SUV kills 2 Mexican Children". Damn these renegade SUVs to hell! Amerika must bring these sociopath conveyances under control before they destroy all life as we know it. Have these murderous behemoths no shame? Apparently not if they take such delight in - apparently, unassisted by any human - mowing down innocent Mexican tykes. When will we stop this shocking SUV assault on the Amerikan way of life? "SUV kills" is just the liberal News Nitwits way of demonizing a kultural artifact that offends them for some asinine reason. Whenever you see an inanimate object used as a noun in a headline such as the one I just cited, you're in the liberal media spin zone. Curiously the most likely items to be demonized are those high on the liberal dipstick hit list: "Assault Rifle Kills", "SUV Kills" "Cigarettes Kill", etc. I'm willing to bet that somewhere in the post 9/11 coverage a fishwrap wrote: "Airliner Kills", or "Airliner Destroys", because it's politically incorrect to write that "Murderous, Islamic Asshats Kill". As bad as the headline is, the alleged journalist who perpetrated this story is even worse. He, she, heshe or it didn't get around to mentioning the SUV's driver until the last paragraph of this article. The fishwraps can call this "journalism" but this pagan scribbler has other names for it... Fark
Teasers "Building near Ground Zero in New York allowed to store 80,000 gallons of diesel fuel. For some reason, neighbors have a problem with this." [07/10] Michael
Medved Almost Gets It Right He's castigating - quite understandably - an Amerikan-based Imam who blatantly urged Amerika-dwelling Mecca Maniacs to attack the USA. Among other things, Medved opined that this Islamic asshat belongs in prison, for the rest of his life. No argument, but that overlooks one nasty factoid: prison is a prime recruiting ground for Mecca Maniac zealots. It's an especially fertile ground for turning Melanin-Enriched inmates away from "the oppressors" and luring them into militant, kill the infidel, Islam. This Amerika-hating Imam belongs in jail, but he needs to be locked up in solitary confinement where he won't be allowed to poison more easily swayed minds with his fetid supernaturalism. Why
Winning Isn't Everything A Big Apple denizen named Jack McCall found out the hard way that winning can feel a lot like losing, after you read the fine print. His roller coaster adventure with lady luck started when he won the grand prize in contest run by American Airlines. The prize in question - '12 round trip restricted coach tickets for two from the U.S. to anywhere in the world' (Journal) - went to the contestant who turned in the best video, essay or photograph about their adventures in air travel. And what, you ask, is so bad about winning 12 round trip airline tickets? As usual, PIG News is all over it. The fine print that makes this winner a loser is the prose that warns winners that American Airlines will pin an "approximate retail value" on the prize - $2,200 per ticket for a grand total of $52,000 in this instance - a princely sum on which the winner must pay the relevant federal, state and local taxes. When Jack McCall did the math, it curled his hair:
In the oddly appropriate 'New York Minute', Jack decided to forego the pricey prize, and pay for his air travel out of his own pocket. Good thinking, dude. The lesson here is that you better read all the fine print before you accept that prize, because the downside might be a close encounter with the IRS. This
Week's Winning Fark Teasers "David Lee Roth to replace Howard Stern. In other news, Infinity broadcasting employees falling out of corporate offices faster than company stock" [07/08] "OJ and friend attacked by OJ's ex-girlfriend who lost her head. "Ironic" tag explodes" [07/06] "If you're the chief advisor about anti-social behavior, it's best not to swear, boast about your binge drinking, and imply that ministers would do a better job if they were sozzled" [07/06] "Paris Hilton wants to get married in Westminster Abbey. Not fazed by fact that only British Royalty can do this, or that her skin will blister upon entering a church." [07/05] Dumber
Than A Box Of Rocks A few quotes about the Supreme Court's Eminent Domain ruling tell you all you'll ever need to know about House Minority Leader, Nancy 'Stonehead' Pelosi. Stonehead, on the Eminent Domain ruling, in her own words:
An Elephant Clan leadership staffer responds:
Stonehead's staff on their boss:
A Donkey Clan leadership staffer:
Should we be thrilled or terrified that the Donkey Clan's House Minority Leader is dumber than a box of rocks? Decisions, decisions... JUNE 2005
Pennsylvania Legicrat Whiz-A-Thon Source: AP [06/30] Tempers - and temperatures - flared in Pennsylvania's House of Representatives this week, when two Legicrats unleashed some colorful prose. The fun got started during the political pontificating over a bill that would prevent a homeowner association from banning the homeowners under its thumb from flying the Amerikan flag on their property. Rep. Thomas Yewcic got the fur flying when he spouted this drivel:
Tame as his prose is, it was enough to give a Melanin-Enriched Legicrat named John Myers a boo-boo. He refused to let a honky, even one who is a fellow Donkey Clan hack, get away with such incendiary prose:
After asking the House Speaker to black flag Rep. Yewcic's prose and getting a thumbs down, Rep. Myers gave his Melanin-Enriched homeboys a thrill by calling Rep. Myers a "cracker". The fun continued when the Speaker admonished Rep. Myers and Rep. Yewcic went girlie by apologizing for his tame prose. Rep. Myers brought the session to a screaming halt with his own "apology": "I'm hearing my colleague. I appreciate him standing up and being a man, and I'd like to do the same thing. I'm sorry for referring to him as a cracker" (AP). The instant Rep. Myers' Melanin-Enriched homeboys laughed, other Legicrats got their panties in a wad, and the session devolved into a shouting match. That's when the House Speaker shut down the session, ordered everyone to go take a chill pill and return in an hour. If tame prose like "cracker", and "they should go back to their ethnic origins and fly it there" are enough to shut down Pennsylvania's legislature, PIG strongly suggests that these Keystone State hacks avoid PIG like their lives depended on it. It's a slam dunk that none of these peabrains could handle our blatantly inkorrect prose. This
Week's Winning Fark Teaser "Steve Hung to hook up with Billy Ray Cyrus for remake of "Achy Breaky Heart." Scientists fears collision of two self-parody media footnotes could create black hole of suckage so strong, it could destroy the universe." [06/28] Heroic
Payback Inspired by the U.S. Supreme Court's eminent domain ruling, one of New Hampshire's rugged individuals, Logan Darrow Clements, faxed a request to the Weare, New Hampshire code enforcement officer, asking for the necessary paperwork to initiate eminent domain proceedings. His request targets the property owned/occupied by a part-time Weare denizen named David H. Souter, because Mr. Clements thinks the site is ideal for a new hotel. Oh, did we mention that the David H. Souter in question is U.S. Supreme Court Justice David H. Souter, one of the five black robbed asshats who made such property theft street legal? It probably slipped our alleged minds. Before you start throwing bricks at Mr. Clements, take a chill pill and get the rest of the story, because he's laying some richly-deserved, eminent domain payback on Scumbag Souter. Nailing Souter big damn time, Mr. Clements' letter to the city specifically cites the recent eminent domain decision and says, in part "...The justification for such an eminent domain action is that our hotel will better serve the public interest as it will bring in economic development and higher tax revenue to Weare." (World Net Daily) As good as this is, it gets better. When it comes to payback, Logan Clements is a grand master:
If you're thinking our hero is just kidding, guess again. He's deadly serious and already has several deep pocketed, property rights purists lined up to help fund the project. If that's not enough to make you want a Logan Clements shrine on the National Mall, there's one final tidbit. His motives are exactly what they should be: "...it's a case of retaliation...". Trust us, PIGsters, when it comes to payback it don't get better than this. Oh, by the way, does anybody out there have Justice John Paul Stevens' home address? Today's
Winning Quotes If - against all the odds - you managed to elude the Karl Rove quotes that put the lefty panties in a hyper wad, your luck just ran out:
It's no secret that this pagan scribbler has unresolved "issues" with Karl, but not this time. His comments to the Empire State's Conservative Party are more than quotable...They just happen to be true. The
Man Who Made It All Possible PIG takes a brief timeout from its usual antics to mourn the passing of Nobel laureate Jack Kilby. You probably don't recognize his name, but you should. Without Mister Kilby's genius, neither PIG, nor the computer you're using to read it would exist. Why? In 1958, Jack Kilby invented the microchip, jump-starting the technological revolution that swept around the world. Without his invention, all the high tech tools and toys we all take for granted wouldn't exist. "Jack Kilby" isn't a household name, but this Nobel laureate is the primary reason that your trusty P.C. isn't the size of the Goodyear blimp. Mister Kilby's contribution to our liberty can't be overstated, because, without his invention all the vital information we need wouldn't be as close as our computer, cell phone or PDA. And how, you ask, did one man accomplish all this? Jack Kilby did all this and much more when the microchips he invented became the basic building blocks for all our high tech tools and toys. Jack Kilby demonstrates how one man's genius can reshape the entire world. His passing reminds us why we need more brilliant, outside the box thinkers like Jack Kilby. Hopefully, somewhere in the USA a bright-eyed student will be inspired by Jack Kilby's example and create their own, world-reshaping discovery. All it takes is one eager individual who dares to ask himself "What if...". Schiavo
Vs Schindler The only place Michael Schiavo and his in-laws, the Schindlers, are likely to bury the proverbial hatchet is in one another, based on this week's events. Apparently unable to let go of the aspersions the Schindlers heaped upon him, Michael Schiavo helped his former in-laws reach orbital velocity when he revealed that Terri Schiavo was buried in Sylvan Abbey Memorial Park in Clearwater, Florida, on Monday. In what seems to be another parting shot at the Schindlers, Michael inscribed the words "I kept my promise." on Terri's grave marker. Rubbing salt in this open wound Michael listed "February 25, 1990 (The day of her collapse) as the date that Terri "Departed this Earth". If that didn't put the Schindlers in orbit, the fact that Michael didn't inform them until after the service certainly will. This bitter feud between the Schinders and Michael Schiavo shows no sign of abating, months after Terri Schiavo drew her last breath. Are dueling books and made for boob tube movies looming on the horizon? Probably, but don't hold your breath waiting for this pagan scribbler to aid or abet such nonsense. Terri Schiavo is dead and it's time for everyone to back off and let her rest in peace. PETA
Punks Nailed For Animal Cruelty Two Ahoskie (North Carolina) PETA employees were nailed for animal cruelty for picking up dogs and cats from local animal shelters and dumping their dead bodies in the trash. Although the PETA punks claimed to be taking the critters to PETA for future adoption, they snuffed them instead, then dumped the bodies. The cops found 18 critters in a trash bin and 13 more in a van registered to PETA At press time, each of the two PETA punks is charged with '31 felony counts of animal cruelty and eight misdemeanor counts of illegal disposal of dead animals' (Post-Intelligencer). Book 'em, Dano. Fun
Fark Teasers "Nicole Richie to offer elephant rides at her wedding. In response, ex-galpal, Paris Hilton, will let guests at her wedding ride her." [06/12] "Sources say Michael Jackson is so broke he cant even buy a 10 year old Cambodian boy." [06/14] The
Games Unions Play Bay State (Massachusetts) longshoreman have a nifty way to get their tykes on the fast track to unionized success. They're giving tykes as young as 2 ½ years old a union card, allowing them to build up seniority (seniority accrues from the date the card is issued, regardless of the hours worked) during their formative years. Later, should they decide to toil on the docks, these union tykes start with a much higher pay rate, due to all those years of longshoreman seniority. Big, big fun. The Bay State's attorney general is making noises about felony fraud, but that's probably hot air. With Massachusetts a known Donkey Clan infestation, it's highly unlikely that any elected official will be willing to hold the union's feet to the fire on this 'get them started young' caper. File this attorney general huffing and puffing, under, "we'll believe it when we see it, political hack Sparky" in your PIG News archives. One
Step Closer To The Amerikan Gulag? The U.S. Supreme Court just ruled that Feds can ban pot that is grown in Mexifornia for use by the grower in Mexifornia, in accordance with Mexifornia's Medical Marijuana laws. According to this nation's highest court this home grown, home used, legal under Mexifornia law weed is covered under the U.S. Constitution's Interstate Commerce Clause, some-damn-how. If, as usual, PIG asks what the Justices are smoking, we're also compelled to ask why these weed-ingesting judges didn't do the right thing and recuse themselves. Asinine doesn't begin to describe this crap. If home grown, home used, never sold, never left home pot falls under Interstate Commerce, then so does any activity an individual might undertake. Welcome to the Amerikan Gulag, PIGsters. MAY 2005
Fiddling While Amerika Burns Source: AP [05/31] Unable to affirm judges, enforce our porous borders, stop the U.S. Treasury's hemorrhaging and/or take a meat axe to our bloated Nanny State, congress has refocused its efforts on a much more meaningful task. Federal legicrats just appointed a federal task force to explore the role slaves played in building the U.S. Capitol. If you're smelling another Korrectnik shrine to Amerika's deplorable slave era, join the club, because the task force's findings must include suggestions on the best way to "commemorate" the role slave labor played in the construction of our nation's capitol. Egging
Little Georgie Soros PIG sends out heartfelt props to the angry denizens of Georgia [the one thisclose to Russia] who greeted Amerika-hating billionaire, Georgie Soros by egging his ride when he left a Mariottt hotel in Tbilis. The eggers were more than a little pissed because Georgie was a driving force behind the 2003 "Rose Revolution" that ousted of Georgia's president Zviad Gamsakhurdia and replaced him the Georgie's pal, Mikhail Saakashvili. PIG is delighted - in the extreme - that little Georgie is spreading his joy in Eastern Europe instead of the USA. If there was some nifty way to make him stay there, life would be thisclose to perfect. In this case, little Georgie's absence does not make PIG's heart grow fonder. What's
That Noise? That whine coming from the Indianapolis Motor Speedway isn't the sound of engines revving up for the big race, it's the din sent up by male drivers who whimper that rookie Indy driver, Danica Patrick, has an unfair weight advantage. Most of the noise is coming from NASCAR Robby Gordon, a caterwauling crybaby who isn't even entered in the race:
According to the bright bulbs who spend their lives computing such things, Danica's weight advantage gives her, at most, a 1mph advantage. We're shocked, shocked, I tell you. The salient fact about Indy is that the fastest car in the pack doesn't always win. There's more to Indy than raw speed. Strategy, driving skills and racing luck, routinely, overcome a slight speed advantage. PIG suggests that Robby and the other whiners put a sock in it and wait to see if Danica has the right stuff to survive Indy's grueling 500 mile gut check. Look up gutless whiner in your Webster's and you'll find Robby's mug shot. Update
[05/31/05]:
Does this mean Robby is willing to have Danica's baby, if that's what it takes to keep her from invading Robby's NASCAR domain? We don't know, but with a cringing cretin like Robby, anything is possible. Thwarting
Human Gene Pool Improvement In Atlanta Wanted in Pinellas County (Florida) for offing his ex-girlfriend, Carl Edward Roland escaped to Atlanta where he decided to keep the local authorities at bay by climbing to the top of an 18-story crane. Proclaiming his suicidal intentions, our "treed" hero refused to cooperate when police 'negotiators' tried to talk him down. Worried about this clown's miserable life, for some inexplicable reason, the local authorities set up large air bags in the likely 'landing' zone and continued their efforts to dissuade Carl from taking that fatal plunge. PIG News dares to ask the incorrect question: Why all the fuss? If this (alleged) murderer wants to off himself by jumping off that 18-story crane, PIG sez clear that landing zone and let...nature take its course. We're shocked, shocked, I tell you that Atlanta authorities insist on thwarting long overdue Human Gene Pool Improvement. The cops only need one phrase to put Carl out of his misery: "Shut up and jump, damn it!" Buchanan
On McCain Pat 'The Pit Bull' Buchanan offered up some timely advice in the wake of Senate's Stinky Seven filibuster sellout. He opines that Senator Frist has a choice to make: Will he step up to the plate and take charge, or, will he yield his power to John 'Big Stinky' McCain. Here's how News Max reported Buchanan's assessment:
As usual, Buchanan's assessment sums up the judicial nomination fight with telling precision. The Senate leadership is up for grabs, because Frist seems unwilling or unable to defend it. If he surrenders it to McCain without a fight, Frist can kiss his presidential aspirations goodbye. Based on Senator Frist's pathetic response to the Donkey Clan filibuster, PIG News isn't convinced that Frist has the right stuff to put up a meaningful fight, no matter how provoked he is. Given that, he's the last damn person we want or need as Commander-In-Chief. Ward
Churchill Dissed By Cherokees Chief George Wickliffe, tribal leader for the United Keetoowah Band of Cherokee Indians (UKB) set the record straight on Amerika-hating, neo-Marxist Ward Churchill and Comrade Ward's alleged affiliation with the tribe. Pulling no punches, the official UKB statement has some thrilling things to say about Ward:
Since Ward "Marxist Bastard" Churchill lists his membership in the United Keetoowah Band of Cherokee Indians in the first line of his resume, a rewrite seems in order, based on Chief Wickliffe's non-negotiable "you're outta here, white eyes" response to Ward's claims of Cherokee ancestry. PIG News salutes Chief Wickliffe and the United Keetoowah Band of Cherokee Indians for laying a serious smackdown on Ward Churchill. Quote
of The Week "Find out just what people will submit to, and you have found out the exact amount of injustice and wrong which will be imposed on them; and these will continue until they are resisted with either words or blows, or both…..The limits of tyrants are prescribed by the endurance of those whom they oppress." (Frederick Douglass) PETA
Kills Animals? A group called Center for Consumer Freedom nailed PETA with a new advertising campaign that accuses PETA of killing 84% of the critters unlucky enough to get housed in PETA's animal shelter. The PETA bashing campaign features a billboard that the Center for Consumer Freedom put up in the Big Apple's Time's Square, plus, a web site named PETAKILLSAnimals.com:
For comparison, the group cites Norfolk's SPCA which adopted out 73% of it's animals and Virginia Beach's SPCA which adopted out 66%. If you want all the dirt on PETA and its dirty laundry surf the information superhighway to PETAKILLSAnimals.com for all the gruesome details. Tilting
The Obscenity Windmill With all of Amerika's pressing justice system problems solved, Uncle Sam's Justice Department is poised by appease W's family values puritans with a new cabal that will focus on 'investigating and prosecuting distributors of hard-core pornography' (WND). This new culture war strike team is called the Obscenity Task Force and it's determined to purify Amerika, by any means necessary. According to WND, a who's who of New Puritan groups are itching to hang them damn porn purveyors from the highest tree:
Is porn a bigger threat to our inalienable individual liberty than Osama and his terrorist homeboys? Is porn a bigger threat to our inalienable individual liberty than the gang banger punks - the worst of whom are border jumping scumbags? I way don't think so, puritanical peabrain Sparky. Fark
Teasers Cream reunites in concert. For those of you under 40: Cream was Eric Clapton's old band. Under 30: Clapton was once a big rock star. And for you under 20: Rock was a kind of music they used to play on the radio. (05/03) Businessman wants to take Pamela Anderson out to lunch. Most heterosexual males want to take Pamela Anderson out to lunch, preferably on a boat. [05/03] Wacky scientist injects sheep with human DNA. Welshmen say, "Big deal, we've been doing that for ages" [05/01] Anywhere
But Omaha Aspiring cell idiots got an unexpected lesson in buyer beware when they purchased a "T-Mobile To Go", cell phone in their local, Omaha (Nebraska) Target store. The phones themselves work like gang busters, unless you live in Omaha. Aspiring cell idiot, Kathy Sole found this out the hard way:
Believe it or not, this cell idiot despising scribbler can't find the downside in selling cell phones that work, anywhere else on the planet, except for the city in which you reside. If Omaha's aspiring cell idiots bag their T-Mobile To Go blight and insist on bellowing out details of their personal life in a restaurant, movie theater, or store, their victims can take solace in the fun fact that these bellowing, cell idiot blowhards are racking up serious long distance charges with each high volume syllable. File this epic under "no harm, no foul" in your PIG News archives. APRIL 2005
Today's Fun Fact Source: CTV [04/29] A Toronto contractor named Darrell Greer accidently discovered GM's dirty little secret when he gave his van keys to a co-worker and sent the dude to fetch some tools from the van. The co-worker, inadvertently, went to an identical van and tried the key. That's when the fun fact reached critical mass. Darrell's door key fit the other van. In fact, he soon discovered that his door key will open the door locks on at least 6 different models of GM vans and pickup trucks. Darrel was alarmed and who could blame him. Although the door key won't start another van or pickup, it will open the door and with all the tools Darrell carries in his ride, that's very worrisome. Concerned about the safety of his tools, he did what anyone would do in his place:
If you own a GM van or pickup truck, be advised that leaving valuables in your ride is not a nifty idea. You heard it here, first. Winning
Fark Teasers Woman runs off road, hits tree, falls down 30-foot embankment, gets hit by train and survives. Man in black robe with scythe reported muttering at the scene, "I really thought I had her with the train" [04/25] Cell
Idiocy Daily Double Pawtucket,
Rhode Island
This cell idiot despising PIG scribbler confers heartfelt kudos on the heroic Rhode Island dude who put one cell idiot on 'hold', by impounding the fool's pernicious telecommunications device. For having the nads to do what we've all wanted to do PIG salutes you. Melbourne,
Australia
Dumber than a box of rocks? You better believe it, cell idiot Sparky. A
Golden D'Oh Slam Dunk Those devilish details have Fort Wayne (Indiana) hacks scrambling to cover their intellectually flat-lining butts, thanks to the overly 'inclusive' language contained in the city's open-container edict. Intended to target motorists found with opened adult beverage containers in their ride, the Fort Wayne edict Emerilizes this routine Nanny State lunacy to it's illogical extreme by banning ALL open containers found in a motorists ride. How 'inclusive' is this bill? Very, because that open bag of chips, water bottle, can of coke, bottle of apple juice, or bag of cookies could set you back $50. The law applies to all open containers, so proceed with extreme caution if you're driving through this eastern Indiana metropolis. For boldly going where no hack should go, Fort Wayne's elected officials are a shoe-in for this week's Nanny State Nitwits of the Week. Congratulations, egg all over your face, Sparky. This
Week's Winning Fark Teasers "United Arab Emirates to build world's tallest building, which will promptly be rammed by rednecks in a hijacked beer truck" "Emmanuel Lewis pulled over for speeding, apparently trying to get the hell away from Michael Jackson as fast as possible" Adventures
in Alleged Journalism Today PIG's eager news sleuths unearthed not one, or two but three jaw-dropping headlines:
"Well, Duh" is more than alive and well...It's thriving in Amerikan fishwrap headlines from sea to shining sea. Can Amerikan journalism sink any lower? Yup, but it won't be easy. Afterthoughts: Quote
of The Week
The foregoing quote is the signature used by an inspired FREEPer. Lone
Star State Hero When some PETA Punks staged a protest outside a Brownsville (Mexas) KFC franchise, Joe Olivo - the manager for the Mexas adventure in fast food capitalism - dampened the protesters' spirits, among other things, by turning on the sprinkler system full blast. Give the PETA Punks hell, Joe. Joe hatched his nifty 'give the PETA Punks a soggy, Mexas welcome' plan, after incurring PETA Punk ire at his McAllen (Mexas) KFC franchise. Chris Link, the PETA Punk perpetrating this 12 city swing through Mexas, found time to spew the following, dripping wet drivel:
We're not sure what, if anything, Joe Olivo told the PETA Punks, but you can bet the proverbial chicken farm that it was rustically colorful. PIG salutes Joe Olivo for his heroism under PETA Punk fire. This
Week's Winning Fark Teasers Paris Hilton designs jewelry for dogs. No word yet on whether she'll be modeling it herself. [04/13] Mom calls 911 because her teenage daughters are fighting; gets offended when dispatcher asks "would you like us to shoot one? [04/13] Marines
To The Rescue During a recruiting trip to Chilliocothe, Marine Sgt. Brandon Hampson demonstrated why the U.S. Marines are the world's premier fighting force. Sgt. Hampson's day strayed from routine to action-packed during his meeting with a new recruit named Jeff McComis:
Recruit McComis earned lavish praise from his recruiter, who cited Jeff's willingness to follow Sgt. Hampson's example and carry out the Sgt's orders during the chase. It sounds like the Marines found another of their 'few good men'. Kudos to Sgt. Hampson and recruit McComis for showing a purse-snatching asshat the errors of his ways. Supreme
Court Justice Bubba? From PIG's "politics makes very strange bedfellows" pile, we present this jaw-dropping notion. If Chief Justice Rehnquist retires, W would nominate Justice Scalia or Justice Thomas to replace him, leaving a vacancy on the nation's highest court. From there things get beyond fun with W nominating - we don't make these things up, we just report them - William Jefferson Clinton to the Supreme Court. That's right, William "How's that cigar, Monica?" Clinton. According to the Village Voice, this allows a deal to be cut to clear the judicial nominee logjam in the U.S. Senate, plus it keeps Bubba from campaigning for Comrade Hillary in 2008. Furthermore, some opine that a Justice Bubba makes a President Hillary somewhat less likely...some-damn-how. PIG doesn't understand this notion either, but as rumors go this one is terminally nifty. Fark
Teaser "When your job involves giving butterflies a bikini wax and fitting them with tiny radar backpacks, you can announce pretty much any results you like and still get a "weird" tag." [04/05] Stop
The Presses! After a decade or more in Diet Nazi purgatory, peanuts have earned a long overdue pardon. That's right Arachis hypogaea fans - and we both know who you are - this ballpark staple is back in play. According to the Federal Food Nazis, this pagan's favorite nosh is cool for school...more or less:
PIG admits that it harbors a nagging suspicion that this is a blatant ploy by the Bush administration to buy off Jimmy Carter. That said, we're willing to overlook this bipartisan political pandering so we can belly up to the peanut bar, guilt-free. Paranoid? You better believe it, goober-gobbling Sparky. MARCH 2005
Mother Nature Plays The Ponies Source: Ananova [03/31] For reasons only she could explain, Mother Nature sent her eager helpers to disrupt the Goldenway Handicap at Sundown Races in Melbourne, Australia. The fun got started in earnest when the 12 entrants headed down the home stretch. The thundering hooves so startled a flock of gulls that the outraged birds attacked the riders and horses. Five horses dumped their riders and the rest scattered to avoid the Mother Nature's angry little helpers. It seems safe to speculate that Mother Nature's personal favorite was either scratched or not performing to her satisfaction. Whatever the case it's obvious that she takes her handicapping very seriously. Learn something new every day. On
Your Mark, Get Set, Flush! With the Manchester Fisher Cats' new ballpark ready for the upcoming baseball season, the team owners enlisted 103 little league ballplayers to perform the final check on the stadium's plumbing. Deploying the eager little leaguers to the stadium's 103 toilets, team owners got ready for a plumbing system acid test: a synchronized flushing of all 103 toilets. The team owner explains this plan's finer points, thusly:
As marketing ploys go, this one deserves a heartfelt double thumbs up. We are, in this instance, very damn amused. Happy flushing, lads. Just
Shoot Me The boom box news had an item about a Senior Citizen facility somewhere in Mexifornia - I'm thinking it's Palm Springs, but don't quote me. And what, you ask, is notable about another Mexifornia Senior center? I'm all over it, Sparky. This one is for Gay Seniors. There are some places I refuse to let my imagination wander and the differently-sexual antics perpetrated by GLAAD BAAG Senior Citizens is damn close to the top. Quote
Of The Week "The only real difference between the Democrats and Republicans at this point is that the Democrats believe in big, solvent government and the Republicans believe in an even bigger, insolvent government." Andrew Sullivan Improbable,
But True The same day murdering asshat Scott Peterson set up housekeeping on San Quentin's death row, at least two women called the prison with offers to marry this infamous double murderer. A prison spokesdolt, Vernell Crittendon, at least 3 dozen brain damaged wenches called to express 'support' for the prison's newest death row denizen. If some half-witted wench plans to marry Scott, they better do it quick, because, he's a marked man who will probably get murdered by another inmate, long before he completes the decades long appeals process. Quote
Of The Week Candidate During an online discussion about illegal immigration, a Freeper posted this stop the presses quote about the diseases imported by border jumping scumbags: "They are just contracting the diseases that American citizens are too lazy to contract. Who can blame them?" Those
Damn Renegade SUV's A renegade automotive pestilence spread death destruction and chaos in the Northwest, when, according to this Seattle fishwrap, "An SUV jumped the curb and plowed into a bench at a municipal bus stop Monday, killing four people and scattering bodies, broken glass and schoolbooks". Damn those pesky SUVs anyway. How dare these demonic, oversized, unprogressive, conveyances elude their human companion and perpetrate these dastardly crimes? I'm shocked, shocked, I tell you. Fark
Teasers "Book discovers how the French stay so thin. Involves different lifestyles and food choices, and an exercise regimen of raising both hands above your head frequently." [03/12] "After France expends political capital pressuring other European nations to purchase only Airbus, Air France orders another $1 billion worth of Boeing jets. France surrenders." [03/10] "Conman brags about ID theft scam on national TV. Will emerge from jail in four years with an ass like a wizard's sleeve." [03/09] "Female teacher, 33, found naked with 17-year-old male student. No charges to be filed. Welcome to South Carolina." [03/08] "Two Washington men will attempt to drive a rocket-powered car faster than the speed of sound. Darwin scheduled to hold a press conference later this week" [03/06] Making
English Official In Maryland Maryland might join the 27 other states that declare English the official language of the state's government, if a bill making its way their the state legislature makes the Legicrap cut. It's off to a good start with 'bipartisan support' and a hearing in front of the House Heath and Government Operations Committee, but the road to approval is long and full of pitfalls. It won't shock anyone to learn that the hack representing the east coast's answer to Beserkeley's lefty lunacy - Montgomery County, Maryland - called the bill "offensive and harmful". That high praise should be all the proof Maryland hacks need to tell them the bill needs to be passed, right damn now. PIG News will keep track of the bill and pass along any newsworthy tidbits as they occur. Quote
of the Day Andrew Sullivan 'gets it' when it comes to the Elephant Clan's devotion to making government much bigger and vastly more intrusive. His well crafted prose says it all:
Is W giving aid and comfort to the vast right-wingnut conspiracy's arch, terminally-liberal, enemies. You better believe it, take off your Kool-Aid Club blinders Sparky. Scott
Ritter Spouts More Drivel Former U.N. Weapon's inspector, Amerika-hating scumbag Scott Ritter, crawled out from under his rock to hurl more groundless accusations at Uncle Sam in general and the Bush administration in particular. It shouldn't shock anybody to learn that this ambulatory, allegedly-human bowel movement is now working for those paragons of international journalistic integrity, Al-Jazeera. Determined to earn the blood money his Terrorist-Coddling bosses bestow on him, Ritter dished up a double dose of his familiar bovine excrement with his steaming load. First, and foremost, he claims that although the Shia majority won 60% of the vote, Bush aided and abetted Interim Prime Minister Allawi's vote rigging to deny the Shia voters their control over the new Iraqi government:
Far from finished, Ritter launched this groundless accusation:
PIG is tempted to call this walking bowel movement a 'traitor', but even that's too good for him. PIG suggests that the next time this cretin crawls out from under his rock, we treat him like all the other turds and flush him. Bovine
Sperm Tax - Update Down East (Maine) legicrats are poised to cut the state's dairy farmers some slack on the bovine sperm tax (PIG News 02/14/05) that had the state's dairy farmers in a lather. Like so many 'gifts' bestowed by government, this one comes at a price. Bovine sperm will be exempted from Maine's sales tax, but, the following items are still in the game when it comes to state sales taxes: fertilizer, pesticides, weed killers and insecticides. Win some, lose some. Quotes
Worth Repeating "If your actions do not cause anyone material harm, the government has no business regulating them. If the offensive action happens on public property, the solution is to eliminate public property, not attempt to legislate polite behavior." (Posted On Objectivism Online.net) "Every government interference in the economy consists of giving an unearned benefit, extorted by force, to some men at the expense of others."-- Ayn Rand "Intellectual freedom cannot exist without political freedom; political freedom cannot exist without economic freedom; a free mind and a free market are corollaries."-- Ayn Rand A
Florida, NIMBY Adventure When a new sex shop - Adam & Eve - opened in their town, certain O'Neil (Florida) denizens didn't welcome this new adventure in applied capitalism with opened arms. Smelling a free publicity mother lode, the sex shop's owner knew exactly what to do: he put a sign in his window, welcoming the chanting, sign waving protesters who worked so diligently to publicize his store.
George is laughing all the way to the bank and who can blame him. So far, the score stands as follows: George Cerbeck 1, New Puritans 0. Fark
Teasers "Coyote hunt held in Vermont to "protect the deer herd." Deer hunt held in November to "protect deer from overpopulation." Absurdity conveniently overlooked" [03/01] "NJ may be the next place to ban smoking in bars. Law sure to be quickly repealed once everyone smells what the smoke has been covering up" [03/01] FEBRUARY 2005
Fark Teaser Source: Fark Internet Site "Any plan that starts with "rob store at knife point" and ends with "wait for bus to make getaway" probably needs to be reconsidered." [02/24] Berkeley's
Civil War Berkeley city officials filed a lawsuit against their Cal Berkeley brothers and sisters in Marxism this week, because the Ivory Tower eggheads dared to plan a major, on-campus, building project without the city's permission. Among other things, the city whined that Cal's long range building plan didn't jump through enough environmental impact study hoops.
How dare those Ivory Tower eggheads decide what to do with their own campus, without the mayor's approval! I'm shocked, shocked, I tell you. Theocratica
Legicrap Update Theocratica's (the state formerly known as Virginia) Senate shot down the lower Legicrat chamber's amendment to the state's constitution that allowed prayer in schools and other public facilities when the Senate Courts and Justice Committee doomed it by a 10-5 vote. Apparently, there are just enough rational adults left in Theocratica's state senate to delay the state's relentless slide into a tyrannical, Cross Cult theocracy. It's "go figure" time in this pagan scribbler's top secret bunker. Today's
Quote Today's cultural moment is timeless, appropriate in the extreme, lyric from Rodgers and Hammerstein's 'South Pacific': "You've Got To Be Carefully Taught" You've
got to be taught to hate and fear, You've
got to be taught to be afraid You've
got to be taught before it's too late, Ratted
Out By Fido Two Mexas potheads were enjoying some weed when they spotted a cop approaching. In a heatbeat they decided to ditch the incriminating evidence by throwing it into a nearby creek. Everything went as planned when the cop followed his nose to the pair, trying to find evil weed that made the air reek of banned substances. That's when Mother Nature got a case of the cutes and prompted one pothead's Labrador Retriever, J.D., to wade into the stream and fetch his master's discarded pot stash. You did damn good, J.D., but I strongly suggest that you avoid your master when he gets back from his justice system encounter. Fark
Teaser "In their latest attempt to ensure their customers can't understand WTF the CSR is saying, Dell to create new tech support call center in Scotland" [02/15] Ayn
Rand's Compelling Wisdom "Freedom, in a political context, means freedom from government coercion. It does not mean freedom from the landlord, or freedom from the employer, or freedom from the laws of nature which do not provide men with automatic prosperity. It means freedom from the coercive power of the state--and nothing else." "There are two potential violators of man’s rights: the criminals and the government. The great achievement of the United States was to draw a distinction between these two—by forbidding to the second the legalized version of the activities of the first." Ayn Rand "If a drought strikes them, animals perish—man builds irrigation canals; if a flood strikes them, animals perish—man builds dams; if a carnivorous pack attacks them animals perish—man writes the Constitution of the United States." Fark
Teaser "Playboy has been unable to land nude photos of Paris Hilton, marking the first time anyone has been unable to land nude photos of Paris Hilton" [02/10] Terrors
Of Technology Purveyors of that ubiquitous technological plague - the computer virus - continue to seek new technologies to terrorize. With computers around the world on life support, hackers moved on to newer, greener, pastures with cell phone based viruses. Still unsatisfied, these virus-writing cretins found another venue for their fetid fare:
If your ride has a satellite navigation system that uses wireless technology to link the satellite to your ride's onboard computer, you're in a virus punk's bull's-eye. Are we having fun yet, cutting-edge technology Sparky? JANUARY 2005
News Nuggets From The Home Front Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [01/31] Free
Speech Survey Circling
the Wagons on Illegal Immigration If Congressman Sensenbrenner's bill passes, its asylum clause would require asylum seekers to verify their sad story before U.S. Immigration officials roll out the "welcome" mat. Those who pass muster get the red carpet, but those who blow smoke get a fast-tracked return ticket to 'the old country'. That's as fair as it gets, faith-based whiners. Headline
Tells a Strange Tale Heavy
Duty Crime Epic Black
Helicopter Club Antics The rabble infesting the Black Helicopter Club (United Nations) gave rational adults throughout the world the finger by selecting three of the worlds most prolific human rights abusers for the five member panel that screens complaints aimed at the U.N. Commission on Human Rights. The three liberty bastions selected are: Saudi Arabia, Zimbabwe and - drum roll - Cuba. The only breaking news here is that nobody had the nads to put North Korea on this human rights cabal. Asinine? No shit, Sherlock. Business as usual for the Black Helicopter Club? You better believe it, New World Order Sparky. Fark
Teasers "India plans two moon missions. First will map lunar terrain, second will establish call center" [01/27] Debbie Gibson takes it off in March Playboy, 15 years too late for anyone to give a crap" [01/25] "The only dirty bomb in Boston about to go off is the 2005 Red Sox season [01/25] "Outsourcing companies are suddenly getting sensitive to the Indian accent and feel that the Filipino accent is much more favorable to U.S. customers. A pleasant Texas accent would end all this hand wringing" [01/22] Supernaturalist
Angst in Illinois The usual, publically pious, suspects have their true believer panties in a bunch thanks to what is, and is not, included in Illinois' new anti-discrimination amendment to the Illinois Human Rights Act. It's not breaking news when a governmental entity - the state of Illinois in this instance - adds "sexual orientation" to their prevailing "anti-discrimination" edicts, but this one takes it to the next level. Usually, these "homos are people too" anti-discrimination edicts specifically, exempt 'religious organizations', and therein lies the rub: the Illinois edict does not include this Toll Booth (pagan speak for a church) exemption. Furthermore, according to this WND piece, this omission is deliberate:
It's a virtual slam dunk that this new "Toll Booths are not exempted" anti-discrimination act will land in court. Why? Because, according to certain far from indifferent shysters, the new law conflicts with 'State and Federal constitutional safeguards of religious freedom' (WND). That sounds right to this pagan, as far as it goes. PIG will monitor this continuing, Land of Lincoln, drama and bring you all the newsworthy facts, if, or when, they occur. That's right, it's 'stay tuned' time again in the pagan scribbler bunker. Afterthoughts
As loathsome as discrimination based on immutable traits is, it's the inherent right of each private individual to determine whom to hire, whom to allow to buy or rent his home, or to whom he must sell his products and/or property. Punishment for such discriminatory brain-farts is not - never should be - up to the government. Such practices can, and will, be punished in the marketplace. Fark
Teasers "Delta Air loses $2.2 Billion in three months, may be in Cleveland baggage claim but they are not sure" [01/21] "Wyoming may make the Jackalope its official mythical creature, because the Jackalope is the only thing in Wyoming that's definitely not the product of incest" [01/20] "New Zealand embarrassed by postage stamp depicting ewe with long horns only found on rams. Error blamed on fact few New Zealanders have actually seen front of ewe before" [01/18] South
Carolina Benches The Dancing Girls Nobody has the nads to own up to it, but somebody within the USC (University of South Carolina) athletic department decreed that, henceforth, USC's dance team, the Coquettes, are banished from the fieldhouse floor during men's basketball game timeouts. The stated reason involves dance routines deemed 'too suggestive' by some red state peabrain in the relevant USC hierarchy.
If you're envisioning some sultry, Salome-grade, action on the fieldhouse floor, you need to wash out your brain with soap. In fact, the routines are the standard dance team fare that is aided and abetted by the National Dance Association. I'm smelling a supernaturalism-inspired, Cross Cult brain-fart that stems from a true believer's guilt over his, her or its own reaction to the University of South Carolina dance team's 'G' rated gyrations. His, her or its lack of self control over the resulting sexual impulses is no excuse. The least this clown can do is go public and admit that he, she, or it is the one who perpetrated this asinine, guilt-induced farce. West
Virginia Politics An elected official in Ronceverte (West Virginia) Emerilized local political discourse, majorly, when the city council hackette tried to punch out - not once, but twice - the city's top cop. The first incident transpired in August 2004 when council wench Beverly Boswell landed at least one haymaker on Chief Howard "Doc" Giles. In October she pleaded no contest, paid the piper, then got on with her life until Thursday, when she did it again.
Chief Giles "subdued" his attacker until state troopers arrived to help the hackette chill out. The last time councilwench Boswell managed to plea bargain her way out of trouble, but that might not work this time around. If convicted, she's looking at another $500 fine, plus, up to a year in the local graybar. Question: Is West Virginia politics always this much fun? That's right, it's Enquiring minds time, again. Afterthought Scammed
In Florida A University of Miami egghead named Enrique Fernandez-Barros fell for a Nigerian e-mail scam when he played a key role in bilking $1,680,000 in dead presidents from a Pennsylvania trucking company. A law professor, especially a 73-year-old one, should know better. Should...but didn't. The scam got rolling when - just like the e-mail scammers promised - Professor Moron got a forged, Penske Truck Leasing check for $1.68 million dollars via Federal Express. Dazzled by the $200,000 fee promised by his Nigerian pals, our egghead dupe snatched for that elusive, dead presidents brass ring:
Three doctorates and this egghead nitwit never smelled a Nigerian scam rat? The good professor needs a reality check, stat. His keepers need to up the voltage on his shock treatments several notches. Afterthought Drawing
The Line Disgusted by the kiddie porn on her client's computer, a house call making, Hollywood (Florida) hooker contacted the men in blue, as soon as she concluded her horizontal transaction. As a direct result, this kiddie porn pervert is in the Broward County graybar where he, undoubtedly, belongs. Kudos are deserved, and eagerly conferred on this Land of Hanging Chads horizontal bingo professional for helping get this pervert off the streets. Digging
Deep Actress Sandra Bullock opened her bank account and donated a cool million - $1,000,000 in dead presidents - to the American Red Cross for tsunami ravaged southern Asia. PIG confers heartfelt kudos on Sandra Bullock for her generosity. We are suitably impressed. Evolution
In Action? Creationists will be thrilled spitless to learn that a textbook evolutionary change just got documented by some Aussie test tube wranglers. Aussie scientists report that two native Australian snake species underwent significant changes after some poisonous cane toads were released into the Aussie ecosystem in 1935. Taking a mere 20 generations - over a 70 year period - the red-bellied black and golden/green snake evolved to allow them to eat the poisonous amphibians without making it their 'last meal'. The primary change involves smaller heads and larger bodies.
Since the usual, 'Genesis rules', suspects won't take my calls, I'll let you spread this joyous news. I'm guessing that a rousing "amen" from the congregation is not forthcoming. –
Compiled by T.D. Treat
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Copyright 1993-2006 PIG - The Politically Incorrect Gazette
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