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TONGUETIED • • • • • • • • • • • • • • FRONTPAGEMAG • • • • • • • • • • • • • • TOWNHALL • • • • • • • • • • • • • • LARRYELDER • • • • • • • • • • • • • • FARK • • • • • • • • • • • • • • STUDENTS FOR ACADEMIC FREEDOM • • • • • • • • • • • • • • CAMPUS NONSENSE • • • • • • • • • • • • • • THE FIRE.ORG • • • • • • • • • • • • • • ACCURACY IN ACADEMIA • • • • • • • • • • • • • • CHRONICLE.COM • • • • • • • • • • • • • • CAPITALIST MAGAZINE • • • • • • • • • • • • • • NATIONALREVIEW • • • • • • • • • • • • • • REASON • • • • • • • • • • • • • • ADVERSITY • • • • • • • • • • • • • • BONDINFO • • • • • • • • • • • • • • RESIST DEFAMATION • • • • • • • • • • • • • • CHRONICLESMAG • • • • • • • • • • • • • • THEBIRDMAN.ORG • • • • • • • • • • • • • • RAINBOW PIMP COALITION • • • • • • • • • • • • • • IWF • • • • • • • • • • • • • • OVERLAWYERED • • • • • • • • • • • • • • DUMBLAWS • • • • • • • • • • • • • • ACCURACY IN MEDIA • • • • • • • • • • • • • • FIGHT THE BIAS • • • • • • • • • • • • • • MEDIA RESEARCH • • • • • • • • • • • • • • DUMB CELEBRITIES • • • • • • • • • • • • • • HOLLYWOOD INVESTIGATOR • • • • • • • • • • • • • • EHOWA • • • • • • • • • • • • • • FRANCE STINKS • • • • • • • • • • • • • • |
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PIG
NEWS ARCHIVES
| ODDS 'n' ENDS
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JANUARY
2004
New
Year's 'Whoosh'
Source: NBC Oklahoma County (Arkansas) Jail inmates celebrated the New Year with a synchronized flush that flooded the jail's first floor and basement. The clever gray bar hotel denizens Emerilized their antics with a pipe-clogging flushing that sent clothes, towels and socks into the sewage system via a burial at sea. That's teamwork! PIG
Quick Hits IRS
Eats It's Own Windup
Toy Sighting Mad
Cow Disease Licking
Crime Technologically A registered sex offender who slipped between the bureaucratic cracks got a lesson in twenty-first century forensic technology when he mailed anonymous letters to 7 Chicago area schools. Alarmed by these threats to kill school inmates, the police 'licked' this pervert's antics with the latest crime busting tools.
Nailed by his own spit? You better believe it, green with envy Dick Tracy Sparky. Quotes
Worth Repeating Left
Coast Report: NY
Post Page 6: Hitting
The Lapdog Where It Hurts The Lapdog's blanket amnesty for illegal immigrants may or may not cost him some votes in November, but it's already hitting him in a much more important place: his campaign coffers. According to an Atlanta-based elephant clan minion, Phil Kent, several 'signed sealed and delivered' attendees to a $2000 a plate Lapdog fund raiser pulled the plug on their participation, citing the Lapdog's illegal immigrant amnesty. A small wound, no doubt, but it could start a trend. Watch out Lapdog, the vast right-wingnut conspiracy might be forced to pull the lever for you next fall, but they seem very reluctant to pay for your vote pandering. Bottom
Line Bonkers Few days pass without another article on sending more Amerikan jobs offshore. Among other things, this trend is justified for the following reasons: It lowers the cost of goods for Amerikan consumers. (Thrilling, but how do these lucky consumers pay for these cheaper goods if they're unemployed?) A company's first allegiance is to its shareholders. Maximizing the shareholders return on their investment is a firm's solemn duty. (Agreed. But, it appears that the firm's shareholders will all be foreign nationals, because Amerikan's won't have the money to invest when they're unemployed.) It appears that so-called Amerikan firms will maximize profits by moving all their operations offshore, even if that means - in the long run - abandoning the Amerikan market. It's the bottom line, baby...and if Amerika goes into the crapper in the process, so be it. I look forward with unrelenting glee to the inevitable day when one of these 'safe' offshore haven's erupts into political turmoil and takes down these smug offshore-is-always-cool asshats. Afterthoughts
Legicrats from both political clans are making meaningful noises about the job exodus, a sure sign that this issue strayed onto the political hack radar. Public congressional hearings are a virtual done deal...but they usually do little more than generate politically expedient hot air. If, as occasionally occurs, the legicrats decide to impose a government solution on this 'public policy issue', hold onto your hats. Government 'solutions' to problems created by their prior policies - job exportation is a classic case - invariably make the problem much worse, and prevent the marketplace from imposing its own correction. FEBRUARY 2004
Corporate Welfare-Induced Irony
Source: Democrat and Chronicle (Rochester, New York) When Canadian American Transportation Systems (CATS) launches its new high-speed ferry to connect Toronto and Rochester, it promises to be a truly international exercise in corporate welfare. This government largesse, tapped into city, state and federal coffers - $14 million toward the ship's construction; $19 million for a ferry terminal in Rochester - and even raided the Canadian treasury for an additional $8 million (Canadian funny money) for another terminal in Toronto. This international treasury tapping might explain why all the hacks are a tad irked that this $42.5 million dollar ship will be flying a Bahamian flag. That's right, corporate welfare fans, the company registered this Aussie-built, high speed tub in the Bahamas. Why? A good question, that brings us back to another nanny government fun feature Amerika's regulatory nightmare: Wishful Thinking? Source: San Francisco Chronicle (2/21) Citing a Brit fishwrap - a tabloid, based on the Chronicle's colorful description - this Gulag fishwrap breathlessly reports that Osama is as good as captured. He was spotted, is now being monitored, might even be surrounded and is destined to be captured 'soon'. Excuse me, but haven't we been down this road before, more than once? This 'breaking news' is yesterday's warmed over wishful thinking. Great zot, it might even be the Lapdog's clever way of spooking Osama out into the open. 'Osama Captured' would be a thrilling headline, but don't hold your breath. He's a very slippery wretch, a slippery wretch who has lots of friends willing to hide him. I'm thinking he'll achieve room temperature in some vast Pakistani nothingness and nobody will ever find the body. Like Hitler after WWII, he'll live on as a death-defying legend. I really don't care how or where he achieves room temperature, but I'd prefer that he do it sooner, rather than later. So sue me. Horizontal Homework Source: San Francisco Chronicle (2/21) Stop me if you've already heard the one about the 30-something female teacher caught getting horizontal in her car with a 14-year-old male student...I know what you're thinking and you're wrong. This thrillingly-squishy episode happened in the Gulag, not Seattle. Our horny Educrat heroine - Nieka Arreola - follows the well-trodden path blazed by Seattle's infamous Mary Kay and seems destined for a similar fate. Proving how reality insulated Educrats are, Gulag Educrap officials instructed Nieka to stay home, until they complete their own investigation. Since they don't express alarm over her hormonally-horizontal after school antics, I'm betting when the dust settles, Nieka will be back in the classroom, probably at a different school. You gotta know that any Educrat dude caught with his pants down in the backseat of a car with a 14-year-old wench would be fired in a heartbeat, without any Educrat rhetoric about 'investigating the depth and scope of the matter'. Holy wench-coddling double standards, Batman. Shocking Wenchlet Attire Source: Stealth News Wire (2-22) So-called men's rights 'activists' are shocked, dismayed and downright alarmed over the latest teenage wenchlet fashion trend. I know what you're thinking, horndog Sparky and you should have your filthy imagination washed out with soap. The egregiously offensive attire causing these alleged males to hyperventilate isn't booty baring at all. The pernicious attire involves t-shirts festooned with boy-bashing mottos such as: "Boys are stupid - throw rocks at them"; "Boys are goobers - drive anvils on their heads"; "Boys lie - make them cry". As expected, NO-NADs endorse this exercise in wenchlet free speech, but others view this fashion trend with alarm. Obviously, those criticizing this boy-bashing fashion trend choose to forget the inconvenient fact that all wenchlets go through a prolonged "All boys are icky" phase. Traditionally - unless the NO-NADs outlawed it - the "All Boys are icky" phase gives way to "All boys are still icky, except Johnny Wilson". It's called adolescence and it's been going on since the first mutated hormone gorilla threw some wood when his wenchlet playmate started spouting bumps and stuff. Everyone - NO-NADs, alleged man's rights activists, and all the rest - needs to lighten up and let adolescence run its usual, bumpy course. Insulting t-shirts are not a fate worse than death. In fact, these boy-bashing shirts might toughen up hormone gorillas and get them ready for the male-bashing big leagues - Amerika's colleges and universities. Emerilizing The Culture War Source: Indianapolis Star (2/24) Up to here with smugly sanctimonious vast right-wingnut Legicrats' rhetoric about "protecting the sanctity of marriage", several GLAAD BAAG, Indiana Legicrats - donkey clan, of course - unleashed an inspired counter-attack. If, as these elephant clan morality Nazi asshats claim, 'holy matrimony' must be protected, then put your money where your fat mouths are, donkey clan GLAAD BAAGs challenge: The GLAAD BAAGs are in good company, when
it comes to vilifying divorce as the primary sin against
marriage. No less than the cross dude himself espoused
those very sentiments: "What God has put together,
let no man put assunder" (Mark 10:9). How do you say
'gotcha' in Aramaic? MARCH 2004
More Winning
Fark Teasers APRIL 2004
Honorable Butchery
Source: Rochester Boob Tube [4/25] Honor killing established a beachhead in the Empire State when a Mecca Maniac dude restored family honor by attacking his wife and daughters with a hammer. His wife died for the family honor. His daughters - age 22 & 4 - survived, barely - fractured skulls - and continue to besmirch family honor in their hospital beds. How, you wonder, did these lowly females sully the family honor? According to a Rochester boob tube report, our hero 'believed that his brother had sexual contact with the victims'. Local Mecca Maniac apologists worry that mere mortals will - quite correctly - cite Mecca Maniac supernaturalism as a contributing factor. Nice try, blame shifters, but it might work better if cross cultists were playing hammer wielding, honor killing roulette, too. Sad story, Mecca Mania fans, honor killing is your, exclusive, atrocity. Instead of making excuses and shifting blame, why don't you do something to eradicate this honor killing butchery? Do that, and maybe, just maybe, we'll believe you, the next time one of your true believers offs his wife, sister, daughter or mother to preserve family honor. You'll excuse me if I refrain from holding my breath awaiting an outbreak of Mecca Maniac sanity. Afterthought Amerikans might grab a hammer when some asshat rapes our wife, our sister or our kids. But, we'd nail the rapist with it, not his victim. Somehow, punishing the rapist never occurs to these honor seeking Mecca Maniac cretins. Holy Outsourcing, Batman! Source: Stealth News Wire [4/22] Bloated assclown, Michael Moore, loves to portray himself as the Amerikan worker's best friend, but he comes up short when it comes to practicing what he preaches. According to a boom box news item, Moore's personal web site was designed by, is hosted by, a Quebec firm. Keep that in mind, the next time this lard ass loudmouth spouts off about heartless capitalists who abuse Amerikan workers via outsourcing. Gotcha, lard butt! Quote Of The Month Candidate: Source: ABC [4/21] This stop the presses quote comes from Dolly Parton's hostess gig at Country Music Television's award show. "There's not going to be no wardrobe malfunction this evening,"
she said, referring to Janet Jackson's infamous
breast-baring during the Super Bowl halftime show.
"There's not supposed to be, it's not planned.
But as tight as my clothes are there's no telling
what will happen. If it does happen, I'm going
to wipe out the first three rows." (ABC)
Hmm. Hang loose while this pagan scribbler savors this compelling fantasy, because getting a faceful of Dolly's ample cleavage sounds like big time fun. Hit me with your best shot, darlin. A Pathetic Pagan Episode Source: Pagan Scribbler's Personal Chronicle [4/17] Multi-tasking is all the rage, but there are times when it's a mistake to listen to the boom box while browsing news sources for online nuggets. True story time: I'm listening to science fiction author Ray Bradbury discuss Amerika's space program on the boom box, when I stumble over a headline on the South Florida Sun-Sentinel web site: "Jupiter may get two train stations". (Sun-Sentinel, 04/17)
I'm no shit sitting there at my computer wondering what kind of wingnut wants to build a train station on the planet Jupiter...Not exactly my finest hour. Florida denizens will recognize the 'Jupiter' cited by this Florida fishwrap as a land-of-hanging-chads burg. Fark Teaser Treasure Trove Source: Fark Internet Site "World's largest steer dies. Ronald McDonald wanted for questioning" [4/17] "Turn anyone into a sex fiend with one word. Someone save me the 20 bucks and tell me what it is..." (e-bay link) [4/17] "Nigerian astronaut trapped on Soviet space station -- needs your account number to pay for rescue mission." [4/16] "Northern Ireland bans “idiots and lunatics” from voting. All elections cancelled until further notice." [4/14] Emerilizing Communications Technology Source: Reuters [4/13] Cell phones are a pestilence that spawned alleged humans so loathsome they're lower than such quasi-human flotsam as shysters, Korrectniks, and career bureaucrats, so why am I delighted with a certain cell phone purveyor's newest product? Good question, but, as usual, I have an answer. My unrelenting hostility to cellidiocy and the pond scum addicted to these electronic leashes is well-documented in these pages, but, biased and unbalanced as I am, this pagan is no shit delighted with Nokia phones' thrilling new feature. '...Last year there were several incidents of Nokia phones exploding
or bursting into flames in Europe...' (Reuters)
Seeking new markets to exploit, Nokia just introduced its explosive communications technology in the Far East, with a resounding ka-boom, when Can Tin's phone exploded in a Hong Kong bank. Hopefully, this 'do you feel lucky, cell punk' feature will make landfall in Amerika...soon, letting your neighborhood cellidiot tempt fate with this self-destructing technology. Exploding cell phones...don't leave home without one. When Critters Attack Source: The Dartmouth (Ivory Tower fishwrap) [4/9] An outraged river otter went postal when the Dartmouth rowing team invaded its watery habitat. After a noisy protest from the riverbank, the critter took to the water, chased down one boat then clambered into the craft. That’s when the real fun began. ‘...The otter promptly began to lunge and hiss viciously
at the coaches, who frantically used paddles and
a megaphone to try to force the animal out of
the boat. After a short battle, the two parties
reached a standoff – the hissing and glaring
otter in the stern of the boat, the coaches armed
and ready for action in the middle...’ (The
Dartmouth)
MAY 2004
Surrender Monkey Angst
Source: Tongue Tied [5/27] Colorado's Governor incurred surrender monkey wrath when he served up some French-bashing jokes during an elephant clan confab. Since his jokes have surrender monkey panties in a bunch, they're worth repeating:
Disney Disses Mecca Mania A Mecca Maniac wench is suing deep-pocketed Disney, claiming that the house the mouse built violated her supernaturalism with its one-size-fits-all dress code. Everything was peachy, until our heroine perpetrated an offspring in 2002. Things went downhill, fast, when Aicha Baha returned to her Disney World jobs sporting a Muslim head scarf - a hijab. When she refused to stop wearing her true believer rig at work, Disney transferred her to a job that didn't require strict dress code adherence. Before you could say "pay cut", our heroine is full-on shyster bonkers.
After she quit her gift shop job and Disney dumped her for dress code violations at her other Disney job - a part-time gig as a bellhop - Aicha ran to the nearest EEOC office, whimpering that Disney gave her a boo-boo on her supernaturalism. I'm predicting that she'll win her quest to plunder Disney's deep pockets, because the EEOC loves whiners almost as much as they hate private property rights. It sucks - majorly - but that shows how much these bureaucratic asshats degrade our liberty. The facts speak for themselves. This wench knew the rules when she hired on with Disney in 1997. She knew the rules when she willfully, blatantly, violated them in 2002. She knows them now, but imagines that, somehow, they shouldn't apply to her. Wake up and smell the coffee, darlin: Their company...their rules. If you don't play by them, you're gone. Game over. Shut up and move on...Don't make me come down there. Go ahead...Laugh out loud. I won't tell anybody. Strange Bedfellows Strip club owners are convinced that our publically pious president and his cross cult way zealot Attorney General are very bad for their business. Understandably concerned about a likely morality crusade during a second 'W' term, the club owners are prodding their patrons about registering to vote. The idea is to get these booty afficionados revved up enough to boot the liberty-hating true believers into early retirement come November. Trust me, if anyone could rev up political agnostics it's these D-cup, clothes-phobic wenches. For those among this pagan's readership who think this is a mere blip on the political radar, some numbers will put it all in perspective. Adult nightclubs employ 500,000 to 750,000 individuals and generate an estimated $15 billion (dead presidents) in annual revenue. Multiply the employee base by a conservative 20 to get a rough estimate of their patronage and you can already see that the numbers take on meaning, especially in a close race like this one. Shutting down a $15 billion dollar industry might thrill Attorney General John Asshat and his true believer boss, but it makes no sense at all to this liberty exalting pagan. Dumping W in November still gets this pagan's vote. It's ironic - in the extreme - that strip club owners understand inalienable individual liberty much better than elephant clan morality Nazis like John Asshat and 'W'. More Cell Idiot Angst When is a telephone book an invasion of privacy? Never, but don't tell that to the cell idiots and privacy warriors who deem a soon to be published wireless telephone directory a fate worse than death. This 'evil' tome is derived from a database compiled by the Cellular Telecommunications and Internet Association and it will include 75% of Amerika's 163 million mobile phones. Getting in is a slam dunk, since most cell phone service contracts give the provider permission to publish the client's number. The downside to this new phonebook - according to the usual suspects - involves text message spam, telemarketing calls, etc, for which the cell idiot must pay. It's as simple as: his phone; his 'airtime'; his phone bill. Making cell idiots pay for telemarketing spew? That's terminally cool. This cell phone directory is especially enriching for cell phone service providers:
Cell idiots should read this Hell-A fishwrap piece, but don't blame me if you don't enjoy it the way I did. When you're finished, file it in your 'terrors of technology archives'. Afterthought My feelings about cell idiocy are well documented throughout Stealth Wisdom, so, it shouldn't shock this pagan's loyal readers to learn that I don't see any downside to this Wireless Phone Directory. Anything that annoys cell idiots delights the hell out of this pagan scribbler. If you don't appreciate my attitude, get over it. That Sinking Feeling Any Amerikan with lakeshore property on the Great Lakes or the St. Lawrence Seaway will be thrilled to hear that their property is sinking. Before you throw a fit and feel picked on, you'll want to know that every part of Amerika south of the Canadian border is sinking. This joyous news comes from a study perpetrated by the eggheads at Northwestern University who discovered that Canada is rising while Amerika is sinking. If you have shoreline property in the Windy City, your investment is sinking 1mm per year. As much as we'd all love to blame this on Canada, that's not an option. This is an after-effect of Mother Nature's last major tantrum - the ice age that ended 12,000 years ago. Feel free to complain to her, if you feel lucky, but count this earthquake country pagan out. I so don't need to piss her off. Donkey Clan Diversity The pinheads organizing the donkey clan's 2004 Convention must be thrilled spitless about the GLAAD BAAG coddling antics perpetrated by 16 Korrectnik delegations. Borrowing tactics - and terminology - from affirmative action, these delegations set "numeric goals" - don't you dare call them "quotas" - for GLAAD BAAGs in their convention delegations. As expected, Mexifornia leads the charge with a 10% quota...oops!...I mean goal.
Call this diversity drivel anything you want, donkey clan clowns...anything except what it really is: utterly asinine bovine excrement. Your priorities reset the bar for jaw-dropping stupidity. As long as your delegations are properly-hyphenated, and meet or exceed all your immutable trait quotas, you don't give a flaming damn if your delegates are dumber than a box of rocks. That goes a long way towards explaining, to this pagans satisfaction, how a steaming load like John Kerry is a virtual lock for your oval office nomination. Resetting The Bar For a Tough Town Chalpatlahuac, Mexico has an unscheduled opening in the mayor's office, an opening that has nothing to do with a name that's hard to spell - and much harder to pronounce. The recently departed mayor achieved room temperature, unexpectedly, when the town's Rosary True Believer priest shot the mayor during a religious festival. Those guessing an adult beverage involvement get 5 pagan scribbler bonus points.
Far from finished with his drunken antics, the potted padre wounded the mayor's son, too. I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for the Dirt Kisser to offer this pistol-packing padre a promotion. You gotta know this town is tough with a capital 'T' when the local padre packs 9mm heat. Afterthought When a 'kill the bastards' drunk supernaturalist professional packs deadly weapons, this pagan has to ask the burning question: What the hell kind of religious festival is this...Aztec? Mother Nature Unleashes Her Critters, Again Mother Nature - with human asshat assistance - is thrilling Florida denizens, again, with a two-pronged critter caper. It's big fun time, again, in the land-of-hanging-chads. Critter one is a giant African snail - up to 8 inches long - that 'carries a parasite that causes a type of meningitis' (Naples Daily News). It's a voracious eater that munches on 500 plant species, making it a tree hugger nightmare. Critter Two is an exotic pet whose human companions dumped it like a bad habit - in the Everglades - when it reached full size. Billed as one of the world's largest snakes, the Burmese Python is thriving in the Everglades where it deems the local fauna appetizing in the extreme. If anyone knows why Mother Nature is so down on Florida, share the news, because Enquiring pagan minds haven't got a clue. Global What? Scientists at the Lamont-Doherty Earth Observatory (Columbia University of New York) sent up a new pseudo scientific trail balloon this week when they unveiled the newest global ecological threat: Global Dimming. The following quotes from this Seattle Times article give you all the amazing details:
I know what you're thinking and you're right. Global Dimming does reduce Global Warming, but not completely. It smells to this pagan scribbler like certain Global Warming zealots want to hedge their bets, in case the numerous holes in the prevailing 'warming' theory stray onto your fishwrap's front page. Pseudo science continues to amaze and amuse this pagan scribbler. Short Takes On Today's News Keep Those Cards and Letters... Thanks to Decency Demon Howard Stern and ABC's late night host, Jimmy Kimmel, the Thought Police have 1600 letters complaining about Amerika's angst goddess - Oprah - and her March 18 boob tube inanity. Anyone interested in the complaints themselves can find some must read examples on the Smoking Gun web site. Be there or be square. The Eyes Have It... A Seattle based eyes surgeon might need his own peepers checked because - according to the Seattle Times - he got caught groping his patient's breasts. So far, 24 complaints have been filed with the relevant state authorities. When your eye surgeon mauls your hooters, run, don't walk for the nearest exit, because - at best - his eyes are worse than yours. At worst, he's a hopeless horndog who can't be trust on the same planet with you when you're sedated. Taking His Work On The Road... A British Columbian judge got caught taking his work home with him when he was ratted out for getting hormonal with underage hookers. These weren't just 'hey baby' encounters...the four wenchlets in question had all appeared before the judge in his official capacity. Between 1992 and 2001, at least 4 horizontal entertainment wenchlets - ages 12 to 16 - were rented by this jailbait craving cretin. All four had appeared before him on prostitution charges. As bad as that sounds, his antics get worse. He - allegedly - beat up a 16 year old hooker and threatened to kill a 15 year old wenchlet if she ratted him out. Even Canadians deserve better than this asshat in black robes. The Case of The Cranky Money Locker... A Philly fishwrap - The Daily Local News - offered up a good news/bad news story about a West Grove (PA) money locker - Sovereign Bank. The good news is that the bank vault is so secure that no would be robber can open it. The bad news is that bank officials can't open it, either. That's what happens when your bank's vault is a 100 year old technological relic. JUNE 2004
Fun Fat Facts
Source: KOMO (Seattle boom box) [06/28] A popular Starbucks concoction called the "Grand Mocha Frappuccion" just strayed onto the obesity dolt radar, thanks to the news sleuths at KOMO. If you're a fast food phobic who swills this foo-foo coffee crap, there's a nasty factiod lurking just over your horizon. '...The sweet, summery frozen drinks can be even more tempting - and sinful. The largest Java Chip Frappuccino weighs in at 650 calories - 50 calories more than a Big Mac - and contains 25 grams of fat, compared with 33 grams for the Big Mac...' (KOMO) For those who obsess on such things, a steaming up of plain black java packs a nifty 10 calories. Will the shysters target those deep, Starbucks pockets in their next obesity lawsuit? You better damn believe it, law-degreed scumbag Sparky.
Don't hold your breath waiting for this cell phone hating pagan to lose any sleep over this new cell phone affliction.
Give it up, dudes, the title alone makes it uncool for school. "I'm not going to comment on the memos and advice I give to the executive departments of government." (Asshat as quoted by the Washington Times) For those who care, this D.C. whiz-a-thon elicits a non-negotiable 'a pox on both their houses' response from this besieged sovereign individual. Afterthought
Coronating
W as Ronald Reagan's successor is an intolerable
insult to the Gipper. JULY 2004
The Ann Coulter Fiasco Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [07/26] For reasons nobody will ever understand, USA Today decided to Emerilize their convention coverage by hiring a vast-right-wingnut scribbler - fire-breathing way righty, Ann Coulter - to submit daily commentaries on the Donkey Clan convention. Determined to balance their brain-fart, they also hired a way lefty scribbler - the Maggot, of course - to submit daily commentaries on the Elephant Clan convention. It's a doubly asinine notion, but about what you'd expect from the dim bulbs at USA Today. Do you really expect world-class journalism from a fishwrap that they no shit give away? Last night, USA Today got its first Ann Coulter convention prose and before the terminally lefty editor could scream, "Incoming!", the powers at USA Today decided to sever their relationship with Ms. Coulter, because her column is too hot to handle. She's out and another vast right-wingnut, a much tamer righty named Jonah Goldberg (National Review) is her designated replacement. Bold new concept. I read the Coulter tantrum and it's her usual flame-throwing screed with pointed - alleged - humor eviscerating Donkey Clan hack butts. Even the most casual political observer knows that when you hire Ms. Coulter, this is what you get. Wake up and smell the angry bitch coffee, USA Today asshats. Afterthoughts Anyone interested in reading the banned Coulter column can find it on World Net Daily's Internet site. Donkey Clan TimingSource: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [07/26] Donkey Clan bright bulbs must have big, clanging brass nads, because they decided to schedule a tribute to the Bay State's bloated Senior Senator - Teddy 'The Swimmer' Kennedy - on the 35th anniversary of his guilty plea for his 'involvement in the drowning of Mary Jo Kopechne' (CNS News). Don't hold your breath waiting for any of Teddy's toadies to list 'long distance swimming' or 'cool, calm and collected in a crisis' as a prime Teddy accomplishments. Show Stopping Fark TeasersSource: Fark Internet Site [07/25] "Tom Green and Jerry Springer to co-host TV show. Kill me now." [07/25] "Survey finds 1 in 5 Germans drinks to get drunk. No word yet on what the other 4 pansies are doing." [07/21] Virginia's Marriage Affirmation ActSource: Capitalism Magazine [07/18] Cap Mag commentator, Michael Hurd aimed his polished prose at Virginia's theocratic legislators and the liberty-zapping Marriage Affirmation Act they rammed through this year. Sold as fuzz ball, 'we're just standing up for traditional marriage' legicrap, the MAA's impact is much more ominous for Virginia's sovereign individuals. In addition to outlawing same sex marriage, civil unions, etc, the MAA also renders illegal private contracts between individuals of the same sex. Michael Hurd makes the following salient points:
It's no accident that Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson have their headquarters in the Virginia Theocracy. The sad truth is that these theocratic legicrats aren't the exception in Virginia, they're the rule. The best thing a sovereign individual can do is avoid this supernaturalist pest hole like your inalienable liberty depended on it. Will somebody, anybody, remind me, again, why so many men died forcing this Bible-bonkers blight back into the Union? Afterthought Maggot
Mouths Off In Canada
Technically, Moore did break Canadian election law, but don't hold your breath for Socialist-infested Canada to hammer a militant Marxist like the Maggot, no matter how no shit guilty he might be. It ain't gonna happen in your lifetime. If
there's anything noteworthy here, it's
the fact that Canadian law blatantly
limits an individual's free speech,
based, entirely, on his nationality.
If Canada can be destroyed because a
lard-ass loudmouth like the Maggot shoots
off his mouth, the country has much
bigger problems than one plus size propaganda
purveyor.
Sensitive
to supernaturalism's need to destroy
knowledge, the city hacks suggested
using a shredder, in lieu of torching
the tomes. Rejecting that notion,
the spineless holy rollers retooled
their assault on intellectualism.
The new plan calls for them to dump
the evil items into a trash can, 'then
light candles to symbolically "burn"
the material' (CNN).
As much as I detest book burning and
those who perpetrate it, this symbolic
burning is asinine, in the extreme.
Since
countermeasures are extremely limited
- no poison, only trapping is allowed
- Bay State denizens should lay out
a chipmunk size welcome may and learn
to live with their new roomies.
I'm trying my best to feel Bay State
pain, but this is Teddyland...so you'll
understand why I'm smirking. AUGUST 2004
Another Golden Alan Keyes Moment
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [08/31] Carpetbagging political hack, Alan Keyes, continues to amaze and amuse this pagan with his catastrophic campaign rhetoric. During a recent boom box interview, he declared - as only he can - that Vice President Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter, Mary, is "a selfish hedonist" and a sinner. Nice move, ace. It's rarely a nifty notion to pick a fight with a politician from your own party. It's cosmically stupid when the politician you're targeting is much higher on the political food chain. I'm confident that I speak for all my loyal readers when I state that we all eagerly away this clown's next adventure in oral ineptitude. One Reason They Call It The Wild Blue YonderSource: Denver Post [08/28] Five hormone gorillas at the Air Force Academy prep school earned their horndog medals - with fig leaf clusters - when they smooth talked two female classmates into entertaining their party guests with some table topping, booty shaking bump and grind. This legendary party got six cadet-candidates expelled and it has 25 more facing "administrative action". Apparently, the Air Force Academy isn't up to speed on that core, hormone gorilla concept: Boys will be boys. Fark TeasersSource: Fark Internet Site "Not content with only producing vehicles for men with small penises, Hummer introduces a cologne for men with small penises" [08/23] Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [08/19] Item 1 Several phone calls - intermingled with Teddy's familiar bellowing, no doubt - cleared him to fly home, but he got nailed by the same "no fly" list on the way back to D.C. We're told it took numerous calls, including three to Homeland Security Czar Tom Ridge to clear his name from the list, but the whole process ate up 'several weeks'. Item 2 Source: Fark Internet Site "God misses chance for Old Testament-style smiting as Michael Jackson attends church and visits Sunday School children; leaves unscathed." [08/16] "Hummer H2: $50,000. Vanity plate: $300. Getting high-centered on a tree stump and pulled off by a 20-year-old beater Jeep: Priceless." [08/17] "U.S. basketball team continues their unabated suckage as they get their asses handed to them by Puerto Rico. Upcoming opponents Outer Mongolia, Little Sisters of Mercy said to like their chances." [08/15]"Romanian man wants to sell his penis. It's 33 years old, presumably has low mileage, is a perfect conversation piece or even an hors d'oeuvres at a Philippine dance." [08/10] "Eighty percent of Germans support Kerry. This handy political advice provided by the people who brought you the Iron Chancellor, the Weimar Republic and the Nazis." [08/05] "Another crazy dude chops off his own penis. Ironically enough, he's from Bangkok and his name is Dong." [08/01] "Kerry slams Bush on intel, forgets as Senate Intel committee member he missed 38 of 49 intel meetings in 8 yrs." [08/01] Chief Justice Thomas?
Source: News Max [08/09] According to the author of a soon-to-be released biography of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, this polarizing Justice is on W's short list for Chief Justice, should the opportunity arise. To his credit, Justice Thomas isn't that thrilled about it, but, he admits it would be a hard offer to turn down. If W gets a second term and Chief Justice Rehnquist retires, will W have the nads to nominate Clarence Thomas for the post? We won't know that until the time comes, but this smells like a 'what if' trial balloon to this pagan scribbler. Afterthought Alan Keyes' Senate Campaign Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [08/09] Alan Keyes tossed his holy roller hat into the Illinois Senate race ring, setting up the News Nitwits' highly prized all melanin-enriched Senate race. Focusing on the candidates' utterly irrelevant melanin attributes misses the point. The real distinctions between the two candidates are their diametrically opposed political philosophies. Given-at- birth traits don't tell a voter one damn thing about a given candidate, unless you buy into that bogus 'all [pick racial group] think alike', crap-o-la. The centerpiece of Keyes' candidacy will be, as usual, restoring public morality through government coercion, because Old Ka-Boom knows best and he's issuing specific directions to his devoted toady, Alan Keyes. If Keyes wins the open Senate seat, he'll do his best to restore his fetid notions of proper 'public' morality, dragging sovereign individuals to 'righteousness', screaming and kicking, if necessary. Keyes political rival, Barack Obama, runs on that tried and true Donkey Clan platform: class warfare. Elect him and he'll punish success, every chance he gets, so he can reward failure with all those lovely federal handouts. Barack doesn't give a rip if you end up in hell, but he'll be damned if he lets a chronically-needy loser enter the hereafter, without government-funded healthcare, job protection, and all applicable federally-funded largess. The Illinois race showcases the two rival, equally-enslaving political philosophies favored by the dominant political clans, a fun fact that's lost on Amerika's so-called 'journalists'. Tragically, no matter which candidate wins, individual liberty loses. The results, therefore, are essentially meaningless, but the head-to-head political conflict might offer up the occasional tasty tidbit. Should anything suitably fun happen, this pagan scribbler will share the joy in these pages. Stay tuned... Looking Over Uncle Sam's Shoulder in NovemberSource: World Net Daily [08/07] When 13 Donkey Clan congresspunks begged the U.N. to send third world asshats to monitor Amerika's election day antics in November, U.N. Secretary-General Anan turned them down. Disappointed, but undaunted, they made the same pitch to Secretary of State Colin Powell, expecting a similar response. Yesterday, they got their reply and it wasn't what they expected. W and his minions gave a big okey dokey to foreign election monitoring. The group tabbed for this great electoral adventure is 'the Organization for Security and Cooperation in Europe, the largest regional organization in the world with 55 participating nations' (WND), of which Uncle Sam is a member. Assistant Secretary of State Paul V. Kelly spewed the following political pablum:
Asinine? You bet. At best, W is trying to buy immunity from 4 more years of 'selected not elected' taunts from his lefty foes. As usual, he's resorting to half measures. Why insult the Amerikan electorate with Europe's socialist rabble when he can bitch slap voters big time by inviting democratic bastions like Saudi Arabia, China, and Cuba to supervise our fall elections? Placating these perpetually whining Donkey Clan dweebs probably won't win him any votes in all those lefty enclaves, but it's guaranteed to piss off his vast right-wingnut friends. Look on the bright side, W, you just pissed off your supporters, but you might have a shot at this year's 'Golden D'oh'. The Enemy WithinSource: AP [08/05] A Homeland Security Department sting operation bagged two very likely suspects right in Uncle Sam's own backyard. Posing as a terrorist, an undercover agent approached the two suspects, asking them to help him bag a shoulder-fired missile. When they jumped at the chance to 'help' him, he busted their sorry asses. That's two in the good guys' win column. You probably won't be shocked when I tell you that the two suspects are the imam of a mosque and one of the mosque's founders. But, it might open your eyes, big time, when I tell you that it's the Masjid As-Salam mosque, located in Albany, New York. That's right, two Amerika-dwelling Mecca Maniacs were ready, willing and able to assist a man they thought to be a terrorist. It might be a flaw in my character, but this doesn't shock me one damn bit. So sue me... Celestial Target Practice?Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [08/03] Old Ka-Boom warmed up his 'pitching' arm for the November elections by nailing Donkey Clan Senator Joe Biden's domicile with a lightning bolt that ignited a small kitchen fire. At press time, Old Ka-Boom was unavailable for comment, so we are left wondering why he picked on Senator Biden, when there are so many other, infinitely more worthy, Donkey Clan hacks who deserve this high voltage celestial attention: Teddy 'The Swimmer' Kennedy, Blithering Bobby Bird, Bubba and His Power-Obsessed Wife... Those hacks playing election cycle bingo this year would be well advised to start packing a lightning rod. SEPTEMBER 2004
Stray Synaptic Activity Source: Pagan Scribbling Terminally Shallow Thoughts [09/24] A Bit Too Real For This Pagan 'It' transpired, after the participants gathered in a foyer, facing a long, curving stairway. 'He' made his grand entrance, accompanied by a trumpet fanfare fit for a reigning monarch. Trailed by his 3-piece suited toadies, 'The Donald' - comb-over clown, Emeritis, Donald Trump - perpetrated his diva moment. While I resumed my channel surfing, I wondered if The Donald is vying for Gene Scott's "ego run amok" crown. Watch your back, Gene, The Donald means business. Emerilizing the Presidential Debates Based on the prevailing, corrosive, tone that dominates each candidate's campaign rhetoric, there has to be a much more appropriate forum for this long awaited face-to-face confrontation between these arch political rivals. If it's record-shattering, boob tube ratings and a standing room only crowd they want, the candidates should abandon this archaic format then agree to let wrestling promoter Vince McMahon stage a junk yard dog, no holds barred, Texas cage match between them. It's just as informative as the archaic format and vastly more entertaining. For those who demand more bang for their buck, why not serve up a tag team, bikini match between the Bush twins and Kerry's daughters to get the audience warmed up for the main event? As thrilling as that might be, I'm holding out for a bout between MSNBC's bellowing asshat, Chris Matthews, and everyone's favorite flame-spewing legicrat, Senator Zell Miller. Trust me when I tell you that the pay-per-view on this puppy could make a serious dent in the national debt. It's time to give the clamoring, government cess-schooled horde what they really want...Cage Match. Cage Match. Cage Match. Mind Numbing StupiditySource: Seattle Post-Intelligencer [9/22] The Defense Department is poised to grab the stampeding stupidity brass ring with a new addition to the department's manual on courts-martial that would make it a 'your ass is slammer bait' crime for Amerikan military personnel to 'use the services of prostitutes'. What, exactly, are these clowns smoking at the Pentagon? Has W's pious pablum rendered our military leadership completely senseless? It damn sure sounds that way. Consider the steps being taken by the star-packing clown commanding our 37,000 troops based in South Korea. His grand scheme seeks to "make on-base military life a more desirable experience and diminish the seductive appeal of the of the less wholesome off-duty pursuits" (Post-Intelligencer).
Who wants to bag some horizontal bingo from a Lotus Clan hottie when he can stay on base and scratch his 'itch' with 'expanded chaplains' activities'? Wake up and smell the raging hormones coffee, shit for brains. Fark Teasers Worth Another Look "San Francisco receives grant to train low-income residents for biotech jobs. Mice apparently getting too expensive." [09/24] "Conservative organization finds that the media is biased towards Kerry, except for Fox News. In other news, sun will rise in the east tomorrow, sky will be blue." [09/24] "Following the path blazed by countless child stores who preceded him, Macaulay Culkin just got busted on drug possession charges." [9/18] "3% of "Promise Keepers" viewed pornography in the past week. In other news, 47% of "Promise Keepers" lie when asked if they viewed pornography in the past week." [9/18] "If you're in the Philippines, be on the lookout for 19 escaped mental patients. Ah, it's great to be young and insane." [09/17] "Former Kentucky assistant football coach prepares to sue school for being made 'scapegoat' in NCAA violations. How a team could cheat and still suck that bad yet to be determined." [09/16] "New book says there's a 67% chance that God exists. Also, 83% chance Jesus did Mary Magdalene, and 99.999% chance the Buddha looked nothing like Keanu Reeves." [09/15] "Having solved all of California's other problems, Schwarzeneggar finally makes it illegal to have sex with corpses. Sex with Joan Rivers still ok." [09/11] Who Were Those Guys?Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [09/16] Earlier this month, 23 humans identified as Sri Lanka's national handball team arrived in Germany for a thirty day tour. Since the visitors' visas were in order, German border officials let them enter, and that is the last time anyone has seen or heard from this Sri Lankan sports collective. There's just one pesky problem that has German officials red-faced and Sri Lankan officials scratching their head:
Sri Lanka doesn't necessarily want them back, but they do keep asking the burning question: Who were those guys? Assorted News Briefs Item: Tell Somebody Who Cares Item: A Brewskie A Day? Item: Turkey Channels Bubba Hoisted On His Own Petard Connecticut's State Ethics Commission just fired its executive director, Alan Plofsky, after it discovered that Mr. Plofsky 'cheated on his work hours and told a subordinate to lie to a federal subpoena' (Newsday). Am I the only one who wonders how Mr. Plofsky defines 'ethics'? I doubt it. After 24 years in the state's ethics commission, Mr. Plofsky deems the following antics 'okey dokey':
Our unethical ethics guru tried to distract the commission with bovine excrement about time reporting 'technicalities' and Clinton-esque word parcing, for all the good it did him. Ironically, he never cited the one excuse a rational adult might believe: 24 years in a reality-insulated government bureaucracy destroyed his ability to perpetrate ethical behavior. 'Government ethics' is the ultimate oxymoron. You heard it here, first. Fark Teasers Worth A Second LookSource: Fark Internet Site "One King to rule them all: Jesus Chainsaw Massacre beats LotR in DVD sales." [09/09] "MODOT trys to bring down one section of Mississippi bridge, screws pooch and knocks whole bridge down. Mississippi River closed to traffic." [09/09] Keyes Spouts Off Again Alan Keyes is shooting off his mouth again. During a boom box interview at the Elephant Clan national convention, he opined that Jesus wouldn't vote for Keyes' political opponent, Barack Obama, because Obama supports this nation's abortion rights laws. No doubt, a Cross Cultist of Keyes's stature got this political info direct from the Cross Dude himself. Bold new concept... When asked about a recent boast by Mr. Obama that he - Obama - wanted to win big and give Keyes a political spanking, Keyes went off the deep end, spewing drivel about the term 'spanking' and it's racial overtones. Somehow, he linked it up to slavery, then accused Obama of insulting African-Amerikans. Is Keyes nuts? Probably, but he's crazy like a fox. When your campaign is as cash-starved as his, news media publicity is the only way to keep your name out there. His irrational pronouncements are aimed, directly at the local media. If Illinois' news Nazis could learn to ignore this dolt, his campaign - along with his political future - would decline into well-deserved obscurity. Stray Pagan Notions New Pagan term...supplied by his lovely bride Breaking Sports News Terrors Of Technology A Mexifornia - alleged - man used a satellite phone and global positioning satellites to track his ex-girlfriend's movements. His victim wondered how this clown kept finding her wherever she went, until she discovered him under her car, changing the battery in the cell phone he'd hidden there. The clever cretin used a motion switch to detect whenever the car moved, after which his spy gear transmitted a signal to a satellite, once every minute. Using an Internet site, this assclown monitored his victim's location. High tech? Hell yes. Clever in the extreme? That too. But we have a name for this, clever, high-tech brain-fart: stalking. What, you wonder is his reward for all this cleverness? The maximum punishment includes a $500,000 fine and 6 years in a gray bar. He might wonder where she is, but she won't have that problem, because for the next 6 years, she'll know exactly where this asshat is 24/7. I can live with that. Do I really need to caution, don't try this at home. Afterthought My first impression is that this clown has way too much time on his hands, if he can spend all his time, tracking his ex-girlfriend's movements. My second impression is that this clown just can't take a hint. No matter how stellar you may find the booty, when she says "It's over", you gotta take the hint. If he keeps this up, the next time she catches him under her car, she might climb in and run over his sorry ass. Vroom, vroom. Splat. Stalker problem solved. OCTOBER 2004
Cronkite's Conspiracy Theory Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [10/30] During a Larry King interview, Walter Cronkite showcased News Nazi lefty-to-the-max bias when he opined that W's political guru, Karl Rove, is behind the new Bin Laden tape.
Time hasn't blunted Walter's vivid imagination, one damn bit. Bin Laden is a Rove flunky? Film at eleven! Kommandant Powell Ambushed When Thought Police Kommandant Michael Powell agreed to appear on a Gulag (San Francisco) boom box outlet, KOGO, he got a lot more drama than he expected: Decency Demon Howard Stern phone in to have a few choice words with him. According to assorted news sources, here are some choice Stern-Kommandant verbal jousts: Stern: Kommandant: Stern: Kommandant: Stern: Love him or hate him, Howard Stern knows how to make the most mundane boom box fare, compelling. Kudos to Stern for taking the fight to his nemesis. The Comeback Kid?Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [10/22] Bubba Clinton plots to return to the International political stage as - drum roll, please - Secretary-General of the United Nations. If all goes as planned, Bubba will be back in his legendary, cigars and interns, form when Kofi Annan hangs up his black helicopter helmet, early in 2006. According to the usual, unnamed, sources, Bubba would be a slam dunk, as far as the international rabble is concerned, if Uncle Sam will play along. But, Uncle Sam might not like this Secretary General Bubba scheme. The spin doctors opine that W would deep six a Bubba U. N. takeover, in a heartbeat. Curiously, so would Kerry, if he's elected, but it might be a lot harder, politically, for John 'Flip-Flop' Kerry to diss one of his Donkey Clan homeboys and get away with it. Will Bubba return to thrill, chill and annoy us? Stay tuned. Fark Teaser For some reason, the mannish, sensible-shoe-wearing audience at the St. John's International Women's Film Festival did not appreciate its advertising, which featured a sexy woman in a low-cut dress and the tagline, "Films with Broad Appeal" A Quote Worth RememberingSource: Boston Globe [10/14] When it comes to Nanny State power grabs, Boston Globe columnist Jeff Jacoby gets it. Like me, he wishes that just once, instead of serving up more the government-funded giveaways, one presidential candidate would do the right thing:
Kudos to Jeff Jacoby for serving up this long overdue dose of reality to counteract the political propaganda spewed by both, "I'll see that government expansion and raise you a trillion dollars more", Oval Office aspirants. Hacker Attack Shuts Down PIG?Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [10/06] Rumors are flying throughout the Politically Incorrect Gazette's top secret compound, after two mysterious server glitches took the controversial Internet publication off the web. When confronted with rumors that a hacker might be attacking PIG, PIG's infamous scribbler, T. D. Treat, responded: "Somebody is attacking us? No shit? Hell, we didn't think anybody was paying attention." Unofficially, the investigation continues into this matter. Officially, PIG publisher P. Crowley responded to all questions with a terse, "No comment." Another GLAAD BAAG Hissy Fit D.C.'s GLAAD BAAGs have their panties in a bunch, because the city's new baseball stadium will wipe out D.C.'s GLAAD BAAG entertainment zone. Given the city's Draconian zoning laws, the new stadium location is, ironically, the only suitable place where GLAAD BAAG-related businesses can operate. GLAAD BAAGs - quite correctly, in my opinion - complain that when the existing GLAAD BAAG fun spots are bulldozed, it will be impossible to find another - city approved - D.C. location where they can convene for their differently-sexual fun and games. As usual, GLAAD BAAGs miss the central point on this baseball franchise escapade. There are, in this pagan scribbler's opinion, at least two salient points they can use in their defense. First, they should decry the city bureaucracy's interference in the marketplace via zoning laws that tell a business owner what he can do with his own property. Second, they should eviscerate the city for plowing $500 million dollars of taxpayer money - probably much, much more - into this baseball farce. If the team owner and the baseball league want a new stadium in D.C., why shouldn't they be forced to pay for it? GLAAD BAAGs, reflexively, serve up a victimism-based defense, whenever life nails them with bad news. In situations like this one, it's a losing strategy. It's time for GLAAD BAAGs to change tactics. They need to shed their group think and embrace inalienable individual liberty. Car Shopping CritterSource: Reuters [10/01] Leaving the farm without the farmer's permission, a terminally horny Irish ram made an unscheduled visit to a Dublin Mitsubishi dealership, looking for a new ride to impress the ewes during the on-going rutting season. Egregiously unsophisticated - I blame his human companion for this - the ram mistook his refection for a rival ram, so, he did what rams do at times like this: he attacked his 'rival'. The ensueing rampage inflicted an estimated $12,400 - dead presidents - worth of damage to the dealership. In addition to broken windows, our rampaging ram head-butted several cars, before the proper authorities arrived to restore order. At press time, the ram and his human companion were unavailable for comment. We're left to wonder if the ram's human companion did the right thing and scheduled a booty call for his rampaging animal co-hort. NOVEMBER 2004
More Fark Teaser Fun Source: Fark Internet Site "On Thanksgiving Day, beer, peanut oil outsell milk in grocery stores. Guess who's doing the shopping." [11/30] "British hotel chain offers a free night stay to couples who are named Mary and Joseph. Virgin birth reportedly not included." 11/30] "Scientists discover something cool about the universe, but I'm not quite sure what because my head exploded after the first paragraph." [11/29] Terrors Of Telecommunications Technology According to this D.C. fishwrap, hackers are thrilling cellidiots spitless with a mushrooming cell phone virus attack that renders this pernicious technological blight useless. If I ever stop laughing, I'll attempt to muster some heartfelt sympathy for besieged cellidiots. Yeah, right, like that's ever gonna happen. For those who care, here are some thrilling factoids from this Washington Post piece:
Cell phone viruses! Cell phone spam! Exploding cell phones! Call me names if you must but it don't get much better than this, for your favorite, cellidiot abhorring, pagan scribbler. Cell Phone Pyrotechnics Cell phones have a newly discovered feature that is, curiously, not number one with a bullet in the manufacturers' Madison Avenue blithering: under certain circumstances these ubiquitous high tech blights will explode. Are cellidiots playing a telecommunications variant of Russian Roulette? You better damn believe it, bellowing, cellidiot Sparky.
Exploding cell phones? If there's a problem here, I don't see it because cellidiots are a pestilence that must be exterminated, by any means necessary. If the occasional cell phone undergoes a 'dynamic reconfiguration' (explodes) and it terrifies these bellowing cellidiot cretins into silence...however briefly, it's, as the Old Ka-Boomists might say, "a blessing". "You don't need to be a career asshole to own a cell phone, but it's a slam dunk that every hell on wheels asshat owns at least one of the damn things." (Kulture/pig_advice) Fark Teaser "Prince Charles, who's sole talent is having been born into a family of inbred freaks, bemoans society's encroaching egalitarianism." [11/18] Global Jihad Dearborn (Michigan) Mecca Maniacs took to the streets to vilify Uncle Sam and lionize a room temperature Mecca Maniac, Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeni. These stateside sandrat asshats need a reality check, stat, and so does anyone who harbors fuzzball delusions about Amerika dwelling Mecca Maniacs' real agenda. For the fun facts, I'll let their beloved Ayatolla Khomeni spill the burka bonkers beans in his own glorious prose: "Islam makes it incumbent on all adult males, provided they are not disabled or incapacitated, to prepare themselves for the conquest of countries so that the writ of Islam is obeyed in every country in the world....But those who study Islamic Holy War will understand why Islam wants to conquer the whole world."
It's time to wake up and smell the 'the only good infidel is a dead infidel', global jihad coffee, before it's too damn late. Dearborn's howling Mecca Maniac horde views our inalienable individual liberty as its mortal enemy. Given half a chance, they'd impose 7th Century, Islamic law on us in a heartbeat. Islam is the enemy and pretending it's not true can get us killed. An Upscale Beaver Domicile Some roving Louisiana beavers [Castor canadensis] needed building material and the $40,000 in stolen greenbacks worked like gangbusters. For a while, the critters were the toast of beaverdom, until, those annoying humans - the proverbial proper authorities - violated the sacred "finders, keepers" axiom and reclaimed the loot. Life is so unfair that way. A Pennsylvania Reality Check A Pennsylvania wench who got a reality check from a passing train while she strolled too near the tracks is suing the railroad because - I'm not making this up - the railroad didn't post signs 'to warn pedestrians that trains travel on [the] tracks' (Tribune-Review). With or without these asinine signs, this alleged choo-choo encounter is this wench's fault. Trains are big, and very noisy, so it's impossible to have one sneak up on you. She had to hear it coming, so why didn't the bitch get her ass out of the damn way? I'm smelling a fat, shyster-mugging rat here. When Nature Fights Back Armed with his trusty bow, an intrepid Hoosier hunter went out to bag his deer, but he ended up getting mugged by an angry buck, instead. The deer took an immediate dislike to Jim Mick and proceeded to thrash, gore and stomp the 69-year-old bowhunter into submission. Eventually, a battered Jim limped off to lick his wounds, wondering, no doubt, when Bambi and her homies started fighting back. Accident Prone? After Brian Calen cashed in on his third insurance claim in 10 year span for being accidently blinded in his right eye, someone in insurance land added claim 1 (1992), claim 2 (1997), and claim 3 (2002) together, coming up with a predictable result: insurance fraud. Although our hero started out modestly with a mere $75,000 take in 1992, he hit the big time in 1997 with a cool $1,000,000 (minimum) payout. His final bite at the insurance fraud apple in 2002 netted him a paltry $500,000 and undivided insurance investigator attention. Hopefully, Brian tucked some boodle away for a rainy day, because he's gonna need it to pay off his shysters. Arresting Fark Teaser "New Haven institutes program encouraging police officers to live in public housing to reduce crime. Cop taking advantage of program shoots first guy he meets while moving in. Mission accomplished." [11/09] DECEMBER 2004
Stellar Prose Source: Wall Street Journal [12/28] Writing in the 'Opinion Journal', Lionel Shriver penned some compelling prose about free speech. Although the entire column is a must read, the following passages are worth repeating:
This WSJ article can be found in the December 28 Opinion Journal under the title, "Shattered Glass, Battered Freedom". Stellar Fark Teaser "For 29 years two brothers have been sending the same card to each other, further proof alzheimer's has its advantages." [12/25] Random Pagan Synaptic Activity Blizzards 101 1) Annoying, out of town relatives won't drop in, unannounced, during the holidays. Washington's Election Fiasco
I'm guessing that a fourth recount would produce a Donkey Clan victory margin that exceeds the state's known population. Ain't democracy grand in blue state Amerika? Assorted Tidbits Mexas Still Leads The Pack Christmas Newsletters How cool would it be if somebody dared to thrill their newsletter victims with some eye-popping prose: "Megan celebrated her 14th birthday this year by turning into a complete slut. Brian immortalized his graduation from juvenile hall by knocking up two jailbait trollops. Dan is still banging that squinty-eyed bitch he hired as his secretary like she's a Chinese gong, and I'm getting regular...injection from our gardener..." More Dire, Cell Idiocy Warnings Euro scientists served up more 'wishful thinking' research on the inherent dangers posed by continued cell phone use...yes again. This time out, their stop the presses claim involves the fun fact that these cellular technological blights damage cellidiot DNA. Damaged cellidiot DNA sounds nifty - in the extreme - to this pagan scribbler, but the study goes on to shatter any hopes I have for early, painful, cellidiot room temperature transitions:
It would be spiffy if these Euro scientists zipped their lips and stopped giving rational adults false hopes for self-induced cellidiocy oblivion, but that, apparently, is too much to ask. At press time, the only danger to life and limb cell idiocy poses to these cell-addicted cretins stems from someone like me going postal on a cellidiot who insists on bellowing out un-goddamn-wanted details of his life into his cell, while I'm trying to enjoy a quiet meal in my favorite eatery. That eventuality is a virtual slam dunk...it's only a matter of time... "You don't need to be a career asshole to own a cell phone, but it's a slam dunk that every hell on wheels asshat owns at least one of the damn things." (PIG Advice) Pesky Details Mousetrap Billy Gates Software behemoth, Microsoft, didn't get everything it wanted when it bought Giant Software Company, a company that makes anti-spyware software. The one thing Billy Gates wants from the deal, uncluttered rights to Giant's spyware zapper programs, got sidetracked thanks to a devilish detail that nobody at Giant bothered to mention: another software company, Sunbelt Software, owns exclusive rights to 'create and distribute software development tools for Giant's programs' (CNET). This means Billy Gates and his minions must say "mother may I" to Sunbelt executives, before they can, legally, allow Microsoft's software partners to 'build links to Giant's programs' (CNET). It's a safe bet that, whatever he said when he got the thrilling news about Sunbelt, Billy Gates' response was much more colorful than Homer's all purpose "D'oh". Red-Faced In Spring Valley Spring Valley's (New York) men in blue are embarrassed, and then some, to report that somebody stole 100 pot plants from under their noses. Deeming the illicit 'greens' too aromatic for the police station evidence room, they decided to store them in an 'off-site storage area', until some daring desperados made off with them. The perpetrator won't be hard to find, he'll be the stoner with the perpetual smirk etched into his face. Smoke 'em if you've got 'em, pot punks. Compelling Fark Teasers "Mel Gibson buys a Pacific island. Asks Japan to be all moved out by Monday" [12/10] "2,000 years ago, Iranian women could be great warriors. Today, after centuries of religious enlightnment, they can't even attend a soccer game" [12/07] "John Lennon saw aliens while in bed with Yoko Ono. Later, she put her clothes back on" [12/07] "University reproductive biologists clone monkey embryos hoping one will grow up to coach Notre Dame" [12/07] "Scientists train giant African rats to detect land mines. Reportedly go "BOOM" when one is found" [12/07] Pagan Scribbler Survives Another Year Contrary to popular myth, this pagan is not a demon sent from hell to torment supernaturalists. In fact, this pagan scribbler was hatched, in the usual manner, on this very day, [top secret] years ago. For this particular birthday, my lovely bride gave me a U.S. Air Force pocket watch, a goodie that salutes this pagan scribbler's military service. For those who feel the need to ask, "What did you do in the war, shit for brains?", I have the following answer:
And now you know, the rest of the story. Top 10 Korrectnik Terms for 2004 1. Device for master and captured device for slave in computer networking terminology This foregoing list can be found, as published here, on the Global Language Monitor's web site. Parsing 'Dude' A University of Pittsburgh egghead with way too much time on his hands just published a scholarly paper deconstructing and deciphering the word "dude" (AP)'. How, I ask, have we lived this long without this seminal prose? And what, you ask, has this scholar concluded about the ubiquitous "dude"?
Rumors that this egghead's next scholarly expose will center on the infamous, multipurpose, 'f' word are unfounded. Bummer. Gambling Goes Ultra High Tech An enterprising trio hit upon an innovative - strictly legal - way to turn the house-friendly odds on roulette on their head. Using laser technology, the trio walked away with an estimated 1.3 million in Brit funny money (at least $2,000,000 in dead presidents) and there's nothing London's Ritz casino can do about it.
The cops checked them out, impounded their winnings, temporarily, but eventually released the trio and their money, deeming their high tech gambling scheme, street legal. You can bet the damn farm that every casino on the planet is scrambling to find some way to foil this odds-trimming, high tech approach to roulette. Somebody needs to remind these casino punks that the reason it's called "gambling" is because everybody - even the house - can lose their shirt. Death Is No Excuse A Tennessee Highway Patrol punk Emerilized revenue enhancement (ticketing unwary Tennesseans) when he ticketed a dude 10 days after he achieved room temperature in a traffic accident. Death, it appears, is not a valid excuse in Tennessee. If your driving gets you killed in Tennessee, a traffic citation will await you at the pearly gates. Red-faced, to say the least, state officials quickly disavowed this innovative new revenue stream and made meaningful noises about firing the officer who pioneered ticketing room temperature Tennesseans. Given the stranglehold public employee unions have on such things, terminating this Highway Patrol punk seems highly unlikely. For now, if you're motoring in Tennessee and contemplate death as a way to avoid paying your traffic tickets, don't bet the farm on it succeeding. 2003
Bagging The Ace Of Spades Source: PIG News Wire Seeing the butcher from Bagdad looking like every filthy, lice-ridden homeless dude who ever lurked near a 7-11 didn't thrill the sand monkey hordes spitless. I'm shocked, shocked I tell you. The Great Satan bagged this sand monkey icon hiding in a vermin infested hole in the ground without a shot being fired and the Mecca Maniacs are having fits about it. Poor babies. On the home front the reactions vary, depending on which part of the political spectrum you occupy. The reaction from the vast right-wingnut conspiracy is about what you'd expect and who can blame them. They're shouting the news from the rooftops, hoping that warrior W's success in capturing Saddam will distract the Amerikan electorate from his blatantly statist domestic disasters. The usual lefty suspects, especially their oval office aspirants, are acting like their dog died...so what else is new. This pagan gives W props for capturing Saddam, but I still want him gone in '04. So sue me. Unlikely
Allies Rush Limbaughs titanic struggle against politically motivated Florida justice system officials has taken an interesting turn. Various government shysters are so determined to pin a drug rap on Rush that they're leaving no stone unturned, including Rush's medical records. This drama polarizes the great unwashed, along political lines, with one, improbable exception. The unflinching leftists in Florida's ACLU chapter just offered to help Rush keep his medical records private. Go figure!
Will Rush accept ACLU help? I don't know, but when I find out, you'll be informed by PIG News. Mother Nature's
Helpers Get Potted Sweden's responsible adults issued an all points bulletin to warn Swedes about a drunken rampage occurring throughout the Swedish wilderness. They report that elk are eating fermented berries, getting drunk on their overgrown ass, then running amok in local human habitats, terrorizing the locals. If you're visiting Sweden and see an elk staggering in your direction, seek cover immediately. When a half ton, horned-packing critter gets stink faced, give it a wide berth. This is not a drill. Mother Nature
Feeling Frisky, Again Mother Nature's little helpers are poised to thrill Victoria-dwelling Aussies spitless, next year. Aussie critter experts predict a European Wasp bumper crop. Fear not, they say, ignore the 29,999 other stinger packers in each wasp nest, find the queen wasp, then off her. And here you were worrying needlessly. Oh, did I mention that each European Wasp can be 4cm (1.57 inches) long? Bold new concept. NOVEMBER
2003
Musings The truth, reality and immutable core concepts don't come with a 'use by' date. Yesterday, today or tomorrow they remain unchanged. Immune to the ravages of time, they are unaffected by the prevailing, transitory, political, cultural or supernatural whim. Two Sides,
Same Coin Liberals
Conservatives Medicrap
Rant Stick a fork in marketplace based medicine because it is done. Socialized medicine is now a fait accompli, thanks to this oval office hack and the spineless, liberty hating elephant clan who rammed through the bloated, disastrous prescription drugs Legicrap. Tell me, again, how this is better than those dastardly 'tax and spend' 'big government' donkey clan hacks. Unexpected
Guest Cable news Nazis are in a lather over the latest Presidential surprise. The news broke after the fact: W paid a top secret visit to Amerikan troops in Bagdad. The din you hear comes from W-hating lefties gearing up to decry this dangerous presidential stunt. Fun Fact: W is the first president to visit Iraq. Emerilizing
Bambi Slaughter A Michigan dwelling intellectual flat-liner decided to Emerilize his deer hunting trip by hiding in the brush then making deer noises to fool his hunting buddies. Falling for the ruse, his pals administered a timely reality check with the ensuing fusillade. Do I really need to say, 'Don't try this at home?' The Perils
of Channel Surfing While channel surfing, today, I endured a C-Span daily double from hell. First, they presented terminally unfunny alleged comedian, Al Franken. Later, the same cable blight served up that fat, way-lefty loudmouth, Michael Moore. Fear not, loyal reader, your favorite pagan scribbler emerged unscathed, because, during his channel surfing, he had the sound muted. – Compiled by T.D. Treat |
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Copyright 1993-2005 PIG - The Politically Incorrect Gazette
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