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PIG
NEWS DIGEST
| KULTURE | ENTERTAINMENT | POP TARTS
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DECEMBER 2005
Strike Three In D.C.?
Source: Seattle Post-Intelligencer [12/29] Being Mayor of Washington D.C. is no picnic, at the best of times, and, for Mayor Anthony A. Williams, these aren't exactly 'the best of times'. His primary problem is one of his own making. His only claim to political fame is getting Major League Baseball to move the Montreal Expos to D.C. and rename them "The Nationals". That was then, but now the time has come - and gone - when he's supposed to deliver on his part of the bargain, a publically-financed stadium project. If the mayor can't get city council support on a stadium financing deal, MLB could do what it does best and relocate the team to a city that's willing to mortgage its future for a baseball stadium.
Mayor Williams continues to exude confidence - in public - that he can seal the deal with MLB. PIG News suspects that, despite the mayor's "glass half full" prose, he's sweating bullets in private. He's gotta know that if he screws this one up they can stick a fork in him because, politically speaking, he'll be "done". New Mexico Judge Pulls His Head From His Butt New Mexico District Judge David Sanchez rejoined reality this week when he lifted the restraining order he had placed on TV star David Letterman ("A Judicial Twilight Zone Epic", PIG News 12/21). His return from the judicial Twilight Zone was prompted in large part by Mr. Letterman's lawyers. For those who need some hard data on this judicial reversal, here are the Cliff Notes:
The burning question remains the same. Any rational adult can explain why Judge Sanchez lifted the restraining order, but I defy anyone to explain why he granted it in the first place. A Judicial Twilight Zone Epic A New Mexico District Judge, Daniel Sanchez, plunged headlong into the Judicial Twilight Zone this week, making a last minute bid for the PIG's coveted "What the hell are you smoking" award. He marched boldly onto PIG's radar when he granted a Sante Fe (New Mexico) wingnut named Colleen Nestler a temporary restraining order against Big Apple based TV star, David Letterman. Under this temporary restraining order in this wench's own words, Letterman must 'stay at least 3 yards away and not "think of me and realease me from his mental harassment and hammering"...' (AP). And what, you ask, is David Letterman doing to torture Ms. Nestler? You're gonna love it.
Code words and gestures? Mental harassment through secret, messages? This woman is, at best, delusional, and this black robed assclown feeds her paranoia with this ruling. If New Mexico's rational adults aren't measuring District Judge Daniel Sanchez for a straightjacket, they need to get with the damn program, stat. This clown has no business deciding anything more meaningful "do you want fries with that". Kulture Krap Pammy's Pole Dance If you're bummed that you missed Pammy's pole dance, don't run whining to NBC. Instead, aim that "I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore" tirade at the real villain of this piece: Brent Bozell. Celebrity Marriages - Devilish Prenup Details
You'll be thrilled to hear that the PIG Staff is beavering away on its own list of prenup clauses. Regular PIG readers won't be that shocked when I tell you that none of them are printable in a family-friendly publication. It's learn to live with your disappointment time again, "what a bummer" Sparky. A Jackson Clan Reality Show If you're hoping to see Mikey in all his elective cosmetic surgery horror during this show, learn to live with your disappointment. According to the Superfical gossip site, this reality show stars Tito Jackson's offspring, a 1990s vintage boy band called 3T. The pilot episode features the lads getting show biz advice from the Jackson clan's most wildly successful siblings, La Toya and Jermaine. The crisis, as I understand it, involves the lads 'overcoming the prejudices surrounding their Uncle Michael'. That's a tall hill to climb, a task made nearly impossible if they're counting on La Toya's entertainment prowess. Fair And Balanced? The facts: Saudi Prince al-Waleed bin Talal bought 5.46% of News Corp's (The parent of Fox News) voting stock in September. This makes him the fourth largest voting shareholder of News Corp. Initially, Fox News used a banner calling the French riots "Muslim Riots". During the coverage, that banner came down and was replaced by a more benign banner reading "civil riots". The Prince's Story: '...[Here's] the Prince’s December 5, 2005 statement given to Middle East Online regarding his ability to change what viewers see on Fox News. Covering the riots in Paris last November, Fox ran a banner saying: "Muslim riots." Bin Talal was not happy. "I picked up the phone and called Murdoch... (and told him) these are not Muslim riots, these are riots out of poverty," he said. "Within 30 minutes, the title was changed from Muslim riots to civil riots." (Front Page) Fox News's Story: "Over the course of our extensive coverage, it became clear that the Paris riots were caused by a number of different factors which we characterized in various ways as we continued to report the story and discover new information. In fact, one of our contributors, Father Morris, who was in Paris covering this story, was prominently on our air saying this was a cultural assimilation issue, not a religious one." (An official Fox News Statement as reported by Front Page) A French View of the Riots: "The fact remains that only ethnic youths are rioting, that most of them explicitly pledge allegiance to Islam and such Muslim heroes as Osama bin Laden, that the Islamic motto - Allahu Akbar - is usually their war cry, and that they submit only to archconservative or radical imams." (Michel Gurfinkiel, Parisian editor of Valeurs Actuelles as quoted by Front Page) PIGish View: Fox News Channel might be fair, and they attempt to be balanced. But, if some A-rab fatcat can call Rupert and change a story in mid stream to suit an A-rab agenda, Fox News can't be trusted as a primary news source. When your reporting is dictated by the highest bidder, you can call it anything you want, except "the truth". We Hear Titney Spears Anna Nicole Smith Live 8 organizers claim that, due to Anna's condition and behavior, Trimspa stiffed them on the "six-figure promotional fee" Live 8 paid them. Furthermore, since her attire, condition and behavior were so outrageous, Anna Nicole "damaged Live 8's reputation and goodwill in the entertainment industry". All this Live 8 whining strikes PIG News as well charted "well, duh" waters. The scribes at The Superficial site nailed it with this telling prose:
Truer words, PIGsters...Truer words. TomKat Cruise A D. C. Doubleheader Washington D. C. - I Blissfully ignoring the central fact that the BCS - sucky as it is - is none of the Nanny State's goddamn business, committee chairpunk Joe Barton spewed this stop the presses drivel:
This pagan scribbler won't try to defend the fatally flawed, stupidity on steroids BCS lunacy. Instead, I'm forced to ask why this is any of the Nanny State's damn business. Try as I might, I can't find "hold hearings about asinine crap like the BCS" in my copy of the U. S. Constitution. Why are our elected tormentors perpetrating this "comprehensive review" - legicrat code for a circle jerk - of the BCS of all things? If Joe Barton has nothing better to do on my goddamn dime, he should quit congress, and get a real job for a change. Washington D. C. - II The worse case scenario for this stadium deal debacle would involve a lawsuit by MLB, plus the relocation of the team to a different city. City officials swear that won't happen, but that's wishful thinking, at best. Sports franchises have a long history of leaving cities high and dry, with a stadium that's useless and piles of debt to pay off, some -damn-how. Will D.C. get screwed by MLB? Probably...Eventually. Ask me if I care. NOVEMBER 2005
Strange Bedfellows In the Cable Programming Tussle The silver bullet in the family values cabal's battle to make cable boob tube fair "safe" for their unsupervised tykes is a goodie called an "a la carte" cable programming system. Under this scheme, cable television customers would be allowed to select which channels they wanted to receive from their cable provider. Parents would be "empowered" to avoid those channels they considered unsuitable for their family. Big, big fun. There are, as expected, certain spoilsports who don't like the idea. The primary "hell no we won't go" whiners are the cable companies who, quite rightly, foresee all the work entailed in the highly touted a la carte system. Each subscriber would be accessing his, her, hisher, or its own set of channels. That requires some mechanism - probably a programmable cable box - to make sure that the subscriber can add or delete a channel as he sees fit. Also, the cable company wouldn't be able to "write off" the costs associated with unpopular cable channels. That means the cable subscriber would be paying more - perhaps a lot more - for less. You might be as amazed and amused as we were to learn that certain cable channel holy rollers aren't the least bit thrilled spitless about a la carte cable programming. If subscribers are allowed to pick and choose...If subscribers are required to pay for each channel they select, how many will be willing to shell out for a 24/7 revival meeting like Trinity Broadcasting Network, Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, and their televangelist bothers? Not enough, and that has TBN sweating bullets. The good news about a la carte is that it's a censorship free solution that will please the decency dimwits and the free speech purists. The bad news is that it requires more boob tube hardware and it'll cost you more money. I have no problem with that, in theory, but I still question the need for all this cable television drama. There are numerous channels on my cable that flat out annoy me. Rather than kick up a fuss, I simply programmed my television to ignore them. It takes less than 15 seconds to nuke a channel and it doesn't cost me one thin dime. It's simple enough that even a decency dimwit can accomplish it. Why don't they take these simple steps to block unwanted channels? Because they want big brother to protect them from their own hypersensitivity. They want the Nanny State to abolish everything that offends them: books, television programming, movies, radio programs, magazines, computer sites, computerized games...everything that might give them a psychological boo-boo. That might be somebody's idea of inalienable individual liberty, but it's damn sure not mine. Hollywood Patriot "I was over there. I am baffled to understand why the things that I saw happening in Iraq, really good things happening in Iraq, are not being reported on. What I saw over there is not reflected in the news whatsoever. You know, the coalition forces there are getting the power turned back on. They`re getting the schools opened up. They`re getting hospitals opened back up." (Bruce Willis) PIG News is delighted to bring you a story from the left coast that won't make you go postal. Daring to swim against the Amerika bashing, "stop the war" tide that makes Hollywood a reeking leftist pesthole, Bruce Willis is man enough to stand up and be counted when it comes to supporting our war on terrorist asshats. Determined to set the record straight, he plans to make a film about the daring deeds performed by "Deuce Four" - the 1st Battalion of the 24th infantry. We're pleased to report that Bruce does more then talk about "Deuce Four"; he attended their homecoming ball in Seattle, recently. In addition to his cinematic efforts to showcase our men and women in uniform, Bruce also offered a $1,000,000 reward for information leading to the capture or killing of Osama Bin Laden, Ayman Al-Zawahiri or Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. PIG News salutes Bruce for putting his money, and his creative energy, on the line to support our troops. Heartfelt kudos are conferred on this rare breed: a Hollywood patriot. Kulture News Nuggets Johnny Depp
Fast forward to the present and we find Johnny whining about violence again: "I can't stay in riot-ravaged France...I went there [to France] to live because it seemed so simple. Now it's anything but. I don't know how they'll recover from this." Tell somebody who cares, scumbag. You made your Surrender Monkey hell, it's only fair that you burn in it. Rob Reiner Titney Spears Mel Declares War On Movie Censors Film maker Mel Gibson is mad as hell over the way Utah-based CleanFlicks edited his film, "The Passion of The Christ". Although the CleanFlicks censors only trimmed 3 minutes from Mel's 127 minute epic, that's 3 minutes too damn many in Mel's considered opinion. Proving how deadly serious Mel is, his shyster suit against CleanFlicks isn't your garden variety copyright infringement lawsuit. Mel doesn't want compensation...Mel wants to close CleanFlicks down, permanently. If and/or when anything fun happens with this lawsuit, PIG News will serve up all the spiffy details on an empty movie film canister. Gossip Item of The Week The clever scribes at the Superficial published this spiffy item about Nicole Richie's new tome:
Call us names if you must, but the Superficial is without question our favorite gossip site. Product Placement Hissy Fit Hollywood's thespian whiners and the writers assigned to put words in their mouths have their panties in a wad over the upsurge of "product placements" in movies and boob tube shows. For those unschooled in "product placement", be advised that it usually involves a capitalist paying a producer to "place" a given product in their entertainment fare where the unwary viewer can't miss it. For example, a producer might have a key scene filmed in front of a large billboard, or have a character holding a product so the label can be seen by the audience. With the inexplicable popularity of reality shows on the tube, product placement has been Emerilized by shows like 'The Apprentice' where the show's real people are assigned tasks for firms like Burger King, Home Depot, etc. The whining writers guild punks and their thespian cohorts aren't insisting that producers do away with product placements. Instead, they are demanding their cut of this enriching - for the shows' producers - revenue stream. They also want a 'code of conduct' that mandates "full disclosure of all product integration deals at the beginning of a program" that alerts viewers to the forthcoming stealth/hidden advertising. Finally, these whiners demand a 'voice' in deciding how and/when pay for play products are embedded in the story line. The dirty little secret - in addition to this "we demand a cut of that product placement revenue" whine - involves the Tinsel Town unions ongoing effort to force reality show producers to unionize the people who toil for reality shows. That's right, cynical Sparky, when you cut through all this Hollywood punk crap it gets down to that primal human compulsion: greed. Newsworthy Inkorrectness Celebrated scribbler and best selling author, Dean Koontz, got slapped with the race card after some of the scribblers attending a gathering of mystery writers and fans in Irvine (Mexifornia) got their panties in a wad. Everything went swimmingly, until Dean repeated his favorite anecdote about his unpleasant encounter with a Sushi Slammer company that owned a movie studio. Dean wanted to make them remove his name from the film version of his book, but, they kept ignoring his letters. Increasingly frustrated with an executive he nicknamed "Mr. Teriyaki", Dean gave free rein to his prose with the following immortal gems:
This is classically inkorrect and damn funny, but don't hold your breath waiting for Mexifornia Korrectniks to agree:
Since the event, Koontz and his publisher are catching flack from the usual Korrectnik whiners, most of whom weren't at the confab and are getting their information from unreliable, biased, race card wrangling sources. PIG News is pleased to report that some people who attended this mystery writer confab 'get it':
Dean Koontz knows that he will be tarred as a racist, from now on, but he's not going to let it destroy him. If you want to strike a blow for inkorrectness, put a few Dean Koontz mysteries on your Christmas list. It's the least we can do for a dude who is so eloquently inkorrect. Fishwrap Wars Billing their fishwrap as a "progressive", "independent" publication founded by University of Wisconsin-Madison students, the Madison Observer's lefty perpetrators strayed into reality long enough to establish a Web site for their timeless prose: www.madisonobserver.org. Everything, it seemed was spiffy, until somebody accidentally typed in www.madisonobserver.com A typo that took the spelling-challenged lefty to the Observer's rival fishwrap - a vast right-wing conspiracy read called the Mendota Beacon. As expected, the lefty punks whined, aimed a shyster at the Beacon and ordered the right-wingers to knock it off. They got what they asked for, sort of. Now, when you type in www.madisonobserver.com or www.madisonobserver.net you get what looks like the latest issue of the Observer, with one nifty difference. A giant dinosaur walks back and forth over it, obscuring it with giant, dino footprints. Very, very cool! Are the Beacon right-wingers behind it? Probably, since the two bogus Observer sites plus their own Mendota Beacon site were registered on the same day. PIG News confers kudos on the Beacon pranksters for putting one over on these lefty lip-flappers. No Tickee, No Washee PIG News hit the floor laughing when we heard that alleged actor and stealth candidate for Governor of Mexifornia - Warren Beatty - got a door slammed in his face, literally, when he tried to invade a 'by invitation only' talk by Mexifornia's action hero governor. When they tried to bluff their way inside the hanger where Arnold would speak to a select audience, Warren and his wench, Annette Benning, were stopped cold by a Schwarzenegger campaign aide named Darrel Ng. Obviously, Warren and his woman knew they needed an invitation so the true purpose of their visit was to get their names in the news, a ploy that succeeded so well it even got this whining, lefty scumbag a mention in PIG. Mission accomplished, Warren, now crawl back into your hole and stay there. OCTOBER 2005
Omar In The Bull's-Eye Source: PIG News Wire [10/31] The Mecca Maniacs are more than a tad annoyed with Omar Sharif because he accepted the role of St. Peter in a made for Italian TV movie. Playing St. Peter, as annoying as that is to Mecca Maniacs, is only the beginning. It's Omar's comments about this role that prompted the violence prone Mecca Maniacs into painting a bull's-eye on Omar. What Omar said:
The peace-loving, tolerant, liberty-venerating Mecca Maniac response:
Omar should be familiar with this by now. Born into Cross Cultism, Omar traded in his cross for the crescent when he married an Egyptian actress in the 1950's. Subsequently, true blue Islamist Omar thrilled his Mecca Maniac homeboys spitless when he kissed Barbra Streisand in the flick, "Funny Girl". Will some Islamikaze pinhead turn Omar into a crime statistic? Probably, because killing him in the name of Allah is the properly-Islamic thing to do. MLB Officials Milk Ad Angst "There is nothing humorous about steroid abuse. I would think that the California Milk Processor Board and their advertising agency would know better regarding an issue that threatens America's youth.'' (Tim Bronson on the new "Got Milk" campaign.) The fun started when the California Milk Processor Board decided to make the baseball playoffs memorable with a new "Got Milk" ad campaign that satirizes the league's get tough policy on steroids. Faster than a Nolan Ryan heater, MLB 'suits' went postal, giving the milk wrangling board a treasure trove of free publicity. Unimpressed, but too polite to say "Bite me", these milk promoters sat back to enjoy MLB's asinine antics. The ads, according to the milk board, use parody to tell everyone that "milk is good for you, that milk actually does many of the things that people hope those wonder drugs might do for them and does so naturally" (San Francisco Chronicle):
MLB officials need to lighten up and develop a sense of humor. As far as I'm concerned, they owe me one, since I endured their dubious jokes. It took considerable effort, but I managed to see the humor in MLB side-splitters, like the divisional playoff system, the infield fly rule and the designated hitter debacle. The least these MLB punks can do is meet me half way and muster a wry grin for these inspired - and damn funny - California Milk Processor Board ads. Don't make me send Spike the Wonder Tyke after you, MLB punks. You so don't want to go there. Thus Sayeth Brent Bozell Amerika's self-appointed censor, L. Brent Bozell III, has come down from the mountain to bestow his alleged wisdom on the unrepentant sinners who perpetrate boob tube programming. Saint Brent decreed that the following shows are irredeemably unclean, and a pestilence on Amerikan families: "The War at Home", "The Family Guy", "American Dad", "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation", "Desperate Housewives", "The O.C.", That '70's Show", "Arrested Development", "Two and a Half Men" and "Cold Case Files". If you're looking for "family friendly" fare, Saint Brent conferred his blessings on: "American Idol", "The Ghost Whisperer" and "Everybody Hates Chris". Those PIGsters who venerate the hot air spewed by Amerika's self-appointed censor - and we both know who you are - will find all the thrilling, "banned by Brent" details on his Parents Television Council Internet site. Afterthought: Fox Dumps The Skank's Show Fox Network executives were a slam dunk for Heroes of the Week honors, until Governor Rick Perry aced them out at the wire. Spouting drivel about "no room for it on our schedule this season" Fox executives condemned the Skank's boob tube blight, "The Simple Life", to a well-deserved oblivion. That's heroic in our book, but not quite heroic enough. No doubt Fox Network executives are bummed to miss out on Hero of the Week honors, and we don't blame them. However, they might still win that top spot, if the rumblings about slamming the Skank with a breach of contract lawsuit are true. According to our top secret sources, Fox executives are "angry at the heir of Hilton Company for refusing to talk with her co-star, Nicole Richie". That's why they have the Fox Network shysters warming up in the bullpen. PIG salutes Fox executives for this heroic contribution to Amerikan culture. Thanks to them, it's safe for rational adults to turn on the boob tube. Twerpy Tommy Slam of The Week It seems like everybody is taking potshots at Twerpy Tommy Cruise, now that his beard...I mean his prospective bride is preggers. Great zot, even Tony Danza took a swipe at Mr. Twerpy, but, by far our favorite Twerpy bashing rant is this stop the presses item from The Superficial internet site:
That's our idea of a slam. Heartfelt PIG kudos are conferred on the wordsmiths at The Superficial for a world class bitch-slapping. Bitch-Slapping Twerpy Tommy PIG News is amazed and amused to report that Twerpy Tommy Cruise is catching some heat about his blatant "Katie is urped" hypocrisy. Why are we amazed and amused? Because the bitch-slapping Twerpy just got was administered by Tony Danza of all people:
PIG News dares to ask the burning question that even our bud Tony didn't ask: What the hell happened to Katie's vow to "save it until after she's married"? You're not the Virgin Katie, darlin' and there haven't been any Holy Spirit sightings in your neighborhood, so don't even think about spewing any Immaculate Conception hot air, because nobody is buying it. PIG confers given 'em hell kudos on Tony Danza for giving Twerpy Tommy a long overdue bitch-slapping. Looney Clooney A man of few talents, George "Looney" Clooney seems determined to add "lefty blowhard" to "forgettable thespian" on his professional resume. For those who obsess on such things, here is some Looney Clooney prose for your thoughtful consideration:
If someone backs this pagan scribbler into a corner and gives him a Hobson's choice between Looney Clooney's alleged acting and his lefty blithering, I'll take the blithering every time. Why? Because, Looney's blithering is much more newsworthy, and vastly more entertaining, than his on-screen ineptitude. SEPTEMBER 2005
Air America Passes The Hat Source: PIG News Wire [09/27] The lefties running Air America haven't got a clue about the basic tenets of capitalism that govern the radio business, but it might not be their fault. It's probably a tad unreasonable to expect the unrepentant Marxists who perpetrate Air America to understand such mundane things as budgets, profit, loss, and - most important of all - providing a product that will attract paying advertisers. Eschewing such things, the Air America punks are borrowing a page from public broadcasting, by asking their notoriously cheap listeners to shell out a few greenbacks to keep the fledgling radio network solvent. According to a recent World Net Daily piece, Air America's problems are, entirely, their own fault:
If you want to help these lib lip-flappers stay on the air, here are the Cliff Notes on Air America donations:
If you pony up $1 to $99 you get three bumperstickers. Giving $100 to $249 gets you a "a stylin, yet functional, tote bag". Giving these clowns $250 or more earns you an on-air thank you. And now you really do now the rest of the story. John Kerry's New Nightmare The newest "must see" flick is a documentary called "Inside The Bubble". It's an action pack peek behind the scenes of John Kerry's 2004 Presidential campaign. I know what you're thinking, "no way in hell" Sparky, but the early buzz on this is that it's John Kerry's worst nightmare. The sleuths at Cinematical dug up this nifty dirt:
If that's not enough to entice you, consider this thrilling factoid: Kerry's minions are already slamming the flick as "a childish home movie". That sounds like a rave review to this Pagan. It's called "Inside the Bubble". Be there or be square. Circling The Wagons The VRWC in general, and those on talk radio in particular are circling the wagons around their main Oval Office man, today, after the National Enquirer published a story about recovered boozer, George W. Bush, taking up his old habits again, albeit in moderation. The Cliff Notes on this epic include the following items:
Is W back on the sauce? We don't know, but, given all the pressure he's under, it's a parting of the Red Sea class miracle if he isn't taking the occasional nip to get him through the day. The VRWC's over-the-top reaction to this story tells us a lot more about them, than this Enquirer story does about the president. Geraldo Slams Minutemen Alleged journalist, Geraldo Rivera, told his home boys what they wanted to hear when he spewed his demented drivel at the National Association of Hispanic Journalists. Calling the Minutemen vigilantes, this press card packing clown, lived down to our lowest expectations by spewing bovine excrement about Amerika's pressing need for border jumping scumbags.
Geraldo needs to pull his head out of his butt - probably, a first for this asshat. Failing that, he should answer this question: who did these "nobody else will take them" jobs before Amerika was overrun by chronically-needy, disease-ridden, border jumping scumbags? The answer, PIGsters, is teenagers, students, and other individuals who are entering the job market for the first time. Your fifteen minutes ended years ago, punk, so shut the [expletive deleted] up and sit down. Don't make me come over there, you Amerika-hating son-of-a-bitch. A Differently-Religious Panty Twister Some differently-religious whiners got their non-believer panties in a wad when an 'Good Morning America' host, Bill Weir, opined that "There are not atheists in foxholes." In a heartbeat hypersensitive dweebs in a cabal named "American Atheists" was in a lather and gearing up for a fight:
Channeling his inner Surrender Monkey, Mr. Weir phoned American Atheist president, Ellen Johnson and apologized, soothing those easily ruffled atheist feathers. If you're differently-religious and didn't get the news, be advised that the all clear just sounded. It's okay to like 'Good Morning America', ABC and ABC parent company Disney. Burning Question: Are ratings so puny at ABC's 'Good Morning America' that the show's producers feel compelled to coddle its microscopic atheist demographics? Picking Up His Toys? Aussie thespian and hotel brawler, Russell Crowe, is steamed over the felony assault charges he's facing for beaning a Big Apple bellboy with a phone. The 'Gladiator' star is so irate that he is making noises about dumping Hollywood like a bad habit. Before you read too much into his blithering, consider this fun fact: if he's convicted of felony assault, he might be officially banned from entering the United States. Since Hollywood is located in Mexifornia, PIG News isn't that sure such a ban would include tinsel town. Whatever the case, PIG has a message for Russell: Don't let the door smack your butt on the way out dude. The Great Disappearing Sweater Puppy Caper PIG News is amazed to report that certain keen observers of teenage wench pulchritude are yammering about the inflation and eventually deflation of Lindsey Lohan's sweater puppies. Instead of putting a PIG News spin on this stop the presses epic, I'll let the horndogs at Defamer do the heavy lifting:
Those PIGsters who need more in depth coverage of this sweater puppy shrinkage caper will need to get their updates from Defamer, because, quite frankly, we've, uh, milked this item for all it's worth. If you're breathlessly awaiting an apology for that lame pun, learn to live with your disappointment, she's young enough to be your daughter Sparky. Desperate Measures? PIG's favorite gossip wranglers - the rumor mongers at Cinematical - bring us an eerie tale of the soon to be undead. A hot Tinsel Town rumor reports that, despite the fun fact that his title character achieved room temperature in "Gladiator", Gladiator's leading man, Russell Crowe, is moving heaven and earth to run a Gladiator sequel up the movie studio flagpole. Does that mean he plans to disinter the mortal remains of Maximus? You better believe it, movie sequel hell Sparky:
Our favorite part of this Cinematical blurb is their suggested title: "Gladiator 2: Maximus' Rotting Flesh". Kulture Tidbits Maggot Alert Won't somebody out there do us all a favor and harpoon this bloated blight on humanity? The Simpson Sisters Sufficiently outraged, Mr. Chapelle laid this memorable prose on a New York Daily News scribbler:
Lighten up, David, because the odds are that your career will last a lot longer than theirs. What Am I Gonna Do with All These Tomatoes? You can stop storing those rotten tomatoes, PIGsters, because Jane Fonda just pulled the plug on next year's bus tour around Amerika to protest the war. When pressed for a reason, Jane blithered something about Cindy Sheehan's stop the presses peace tour across Amerika. What the hell is Jane smoking these days? Cindy Sheehan can't buy a paragraph on the obituary page in Gomer, Ohio, now that Hurricane Katrina sucked up all the News Nitwit oxygen. That Sinking Feeling Fresh from his triumphant News Nitwit exploits in Iran, alleged actor, Sean Penn, arrived in New Orleans to spread his special brand of joy. According to an ABC News item, Sean's latest career-reviving photo op didn't run exactly as planned. First, the boat he commandeered had a hole in it and began taking on water the instant it hit the water. Next, the boat's motor didn't start, so Sean and his posse had to start rowing. I'll let ABC do the honors on the final indignity:
PIG is tempted to advise Sean not to give up his day job but we're not that sure this washed up thespian has any career more meaningful than "Shameless Self Promoter of the Month". Your 15 minutes are over, Spicoli. A Tempest Named Camille PIG's favorite word wrangler, Camille Paglia, skewered the boob tube's Ken and Barbie news readers in a recent commentary with these immortal words:
Spit it out, Camille...tell us what you really think. Boob Tube Ads That Amaze and Amuse The other evening, while I took a break from channel surfing, an ad came on for a magic pill that would put the lead back in a dude's pencil. (No, it's not Viagra). Anyway, after extolling the pill's lead-inducing virtues, the voice over starts spewing a laundry list of "possible" side effects. The ensuing maladies the pill might cause never seemed to end. Eventually, after I had a moment to ponder this Madison Avenue spew, I posed the burning question: What's the point in taking a pill that puts lead in your pencil if it makes you feel too crappy to do anything about your 'leaded' condition? AUGUST 2005
Counting, Uh...Noses? Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [08/29] GLAAD (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) has its panties in a wad because the differently-sexual are egregiously under-represented on the six major broadcast networks. After conducting an analysis of the 2005-2006 boob tube season, GLAAD members are so mad they might run wild and burn their Judy Garland posters. In case someone asks at the trial, this differently sexual hissy-fit boils down to two basic whines:
PIG is shocked, shocked I tell you. PIG is shocked that these GLAAD dipsticks don't have anything better to do with their time than conduct this differently-sexual character bean counting. If these GLAAD whiners weren't terminally weird before they mainlined on network boob tube fare, they damn sure will be afterwards. And now you really do know the rest of the story. Will Infinity Black Flag Howard Stern? "In Nanny State Amerika, government airwaves speech is only as free as a pious pinhead like Brent Bozell will allow." The FCC's Thought Police might finally succeed in driving Decency Demon Howard Stern from the government's airwaves, if all goes according to plan. The trap got set last year, when Viacom owned Infinity Broadcasting negotiated a $3.5 million dollar settlement that included this nifty goodie:
At press time, Stern is thisclose to being kicked off the air, thanks to a February 2005 show that featured Stern's familiar obsession with porn stars and sex toys. Stern himself reports that the FCC is 'considering" complaints from the usual suspects - Amerika's volunteer censor, Brent Bozell is high on this pagan scribbler's likely suspects list. Believe it or not, Howard welcomes this test of Infinity's resolve:
Will Infinity black flag Howard Stern? Probably. Will this accelerate Howard's move to Sirius Satellite Radio? Not necessarily. Howard Stern is going, going...gone, but, that's nothing to celebrate. No matter what you think about Howard, the untimely demise of his government airwaves show will sound the death knell for free speech in Nanny State Amerika. The Michael Graham Saga A D.C. boom box talk show host named Michael Graham ignited a Mecca Maniac firestorm when he, repeatedly called Islam a "terrorist organization", not once, or twice, but 23 times during his memorable July 25 broadcast. Instead of trying to characterize Michael's prose, we'll let you decide for yourself based on what has to be Michael's knockout punch:
Michael's prose, as fun as it is, shouldn't get him fired, unless - as happens to be the case - he's employed by the spineless wimps at Disney's ABC radio. After repeated orders to apologize, pleas that Michael heeded, up to a point, Michael finally drew the line after Disney - prodded by the punks at CAIR - kept demanding a more abject, "I'm a dirty racist rat bastard" class apology. When Michael refused to go there, Disney bent over for CAIR and fired our hero. Needless to say, Michael had a lot to say about his firing and the punks at CAIR:
Is this the end for Michael Graham? Hardly. This week, Clear Channel's talk radio heavyweight, KFI, hired Michael as a fill-in host, but the smart money predicts that he's being groomed for a regular slot on KFI in the very near future. Hold onto your hats, boom box fans. Talk radio has a new rising start who has demonstrated, conclusively, that he takes no prisoners. Bob Costas Takes a Stand Bob Costas showed up for a guest host gig at the Larry King Show, last week, but he didn't stay around as long as the show's producers anticipated. It all went swimmingly, until the show's producers told Bob that 7 of the show's 10 segments involved Natalee Holloway's disappearance on Aruba. When Bob suggested alternative segment topics the producers nodded politely and refused to change the show's theme. That's when Bob bid told the producers to find somebody else to host the show. Afterwards, Mr. Costas issued a statement that included this winning prose:
PIG is thrilled to discover that there's at least one News Nitwit with a non-negotiable set of principles in the MSM. We'd like to think that other News Nitwits will emulate Bob's principled stand, but we're not that simple. Names in The News Believe it or not there are a few rational adults left in Hollywood. Today, PIG News is pleased to present the following examples: Benjamin Bratt
Well deserved Kudos are conferred on Benjamin Bratt for taking the time to get up close and personal with Amerika's men and women in uniform. James Woods
James Woods is a refreshing change from the whining, Amerika-hating lefties who infest Hollywood. JULY 2005
Banned In Kentucky PBS stellar, uber liberal Garrison Keillor got tripped up by Amerika's decency dementia when the University of Kentucky public radio station - WUKY-91.3 FM - cancelled a daily Keillor featurette because it was deemed 'offensive'. Keillor's five minute radio adventures started with soft piano music and Keillor 'remembering major moments in writing history'. Each show ended with a poem and Keillor's "be well, do good work, and keep in touch" sign off. And what, you ask did uber lefty Garrison perpetrate that so alarmed the forces of decency at this Kentucky Ivory Tower? As usual, PIG News has all the thrilling facts:
Believe it or not, Garrison had something rational to say about this Kin-tucky decency uproar:
If Amerika is this hypersensitive, you might as well stick a fork in Uncle Sam, because we are done! This pagan scribbler is feeling a tad queasy over finding himself agreeing with a way lefty like Garrison Keillor. You'll need to pardon me, PIGsters, while I take a badly-needed brewskie break. Newsworthy Tidbits Mike Tyson Twerpy Tommy Cruise Sean Connery Retires, Probably Acting legend Sean Connery is up to 'here' with the dim bulbs running the movie business so he announced his retirement this week. Unwilling to characterize Mr. Connery's well chosen words, I'll let Sean do his own talking:
If you're a Hollywood idiot who wants Sean Connery for your flick, you better own a Swiss Bank, because his asking price just doubled. What The Hell Is Mel Smoking? Mel Gibson's newest film project proves what you can get away with when you're an 8,000 pound, Hollywood money machine, gorilla. The first thing you need to know about "Apocalypto" is that it is not another Cross Cult flick. In fact, it's a historical adventure that takes place in Central America, 500 years ago. The second thing you'll want to know is that, for reason's known only to Mel, the film dialogue will be 100% Mayan. That's right PIGsters, Mayan! The third thing you need to know is that the house of the mouse, Disney, didn't even blink when the heard the news and, immediately inked a deal to market and distribute Mel's Mayan-language movie. PIG has a hot flash for Mel - a dude we happen to like: take your medication; increase the voltage on your shock treatments; lay off the sacramental wine; don't listen to those voices in your head. Finally, Mel, drop us a line if you ever do another movie in a civilized language like ENGLISH, because hell will freeze over before I shell out one thin dime for a flick that perpetrates Mayan lingo, exclusively! Hanoi Jane Update With her staring role as Mrs. Ted Turner a distant memory and her thespian career on life support, peace wench, Emeritus, Hanoi Jane Fonda decided to breathe some new life into her moribund peacenik spokeswench role. According to our top secret news source Hanoi Jane plans a glorious, cross country tour of the USA in a bus powered by vegetable oil to "call for an end to U.S. military operations in Iraq" (AP). Don't start stocking up on rotting tomatoes yet, PIGsters, because Hanoi Jane's peace wench tour probably won't start until March 2006. That should give PIG plenty of time to organize a suitable welcome, when she invades our home turf. PIG has a hot flash for Hanoi Jane: "Barbarella" was a long time ago, and as tasty as you looked, then, it's not nearly enough to make us overlook your on-going, peace slut antics. Knock it the hell off, Jane. Don't make us come over there. Washington Post's Korrectnik Reporting According to Tongue Tied, the police issued this alert:
The Post's ombudsman, Michael Getler, reports that the fishwrap wanted 'avoid a "mass of innocent black men being 'suspects'"..' (Tongue Tied), so the fishwrap Korrected the police bulletin to read:
Afterwards, in response to some reader complaints over the Post's coverage, Post ombudsman Getler served up these telling tidbits about his fishwrap:
If you're looking for "the rest of the story" and it involves the properly-hyphenated, you're not going to get it from the Korrectnik asshats running the Washington Post. Mikey's Quest of Immortality According to a scribbler named Michael Luckman, the noseless child molesting pervert is frantically seeking some way to preserve is mortal remains though cryogenic preservation so, he can be revived at some unspecified date in the distant future. Here's the money quote from a recent N.Y. Daily News item: "Michael has gone to extreme lengths to achieve immortality". According to Luckman, Mikey is:
Am I the only one who is repulsed by the notion of an eternal Mikey? I doubt it. Somebody needs to explain to me, again, why we can't just shoot this pervert and be done with it. Whopper
of the Day Today, Hannity started his boom box babbling by proclaiming his quest for objectivity on the Karl Rove caper. How the hell does he say such things with a straight face? When it comes to Karl - the source of Sean's Kool-Aid - Sean is so far from 'objective', he couldn't spot it with the Hubble Telescope. During his adventure in objectivity, Sean cited the following, Rove-related smoking guns that prove "Those damn libs are out to get my daddy Karl": Sean:
"We're at war." Sean:
"Our borders are unprotected." Sean:
"The democrats are out of control with
their anti-war mania." Sean:
"The democrats think this is another
Watergate." Sean:
"The democrats want to impeach President
Bush over the Rove incident. Make no mistake, Hannity is mostly okay, as far as PIG can tell. Admittedly, he's a tad delusional at times, but we like that in a boom box host. "Delusional about what?" Okay, let's start with his intro that proclaims his show as three hours of "NEWS". Sean is not a news man, and no rational adult should expect him to be one. Sean - like every other boom box babbler - is the talk radio equivalent of your fishwrap's Editorial page. Unless you're a Michael Moore class nitwit, you're not looking for hard - who, what, when, where, why - news in your fishwrap's editorial/commentary section. Why would you expect to get hard news from Hannity's three hour "commentary"?. Perverse bastards that we are, the entire PIG staff would deem it compelling boom box fare, if Sean was cut off from his Karl Rove Kool-Aid for an extended period of time. The ensuing public airwaves carnage would be very entertaining. I know, I know...We're doing our best to muster up some shame, but it's not easy when you're as hideously smug as the PIG staff. Ted
Nugent In His Own Words Now that a certain staunchly conservative hard rocker is "thisclose" to running for Michigan's governorship, PIG News thinks its time to serve up a few tasty Ted Nugent quotes, to give Wolverine State voters a heads-up on the man who might become their next chief executive. Ted On "English Only" A few years ago, Ted caused a furor when, at a concert stop in Mexas, he warned "If you can't speak English get the [expletive deleted] out of America." When asked about it in a recent interview with a reporter from a Mexas fishwrap - The Austin American-Statesman - he shared some to the point, Ted reality:
Why Ted wears the Confederate Flag
Ted on Gun Control
PIG wants to get on this bandwagon early, so we're officially endorsing Ted Nugent for Governor of Michigan. If anyone can turn Michigan into a 'red state' it's Ted. Can I get a rousing amen from the PIGster congregation on a new Ted Nugent campaign slogan? "Go Red with Ted!" Maggot
Update Michael 'The Maggot' Moore is staging a tribute to leftism in the Wolverine State that he calls 'The Traverse City Film Festival'. If you suspect that this bloated, allegedly human, behemoth will find a way to ram his rancid Amerika hating bovine excrement down the unwary film festival attendees throat, give yourself a cookie. In addition to such mainstream 'classic' flicks as "Jaws", "The Princess Bride", "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" and "Casablanca", this grotesque pimple on Uncle Sam's butt will run the following 'gems' up the lefty scumbag flagpole:
As much as this reeks, there's some good news in store for besieged Traverse City denizens. Some outraged locals enlisted support from the American Film Festival and the American Film Renaissance and are sponsoring their own film festival to counter the Maggot's lefty bloviating. This Moore bashing film extravaganza is called the "Traverse Bay Freedom Film Fest" and it will feature Moore-bashing/pro Amerika films. Kudos to these Traverse City denizens for getting in the Maggot's face. Stellar
Tom Cruise Bashing Prose If the Gulag has any redeeming qualities, aside from its spectacular view of the Pacific Ocean, it's a San Francisco Chronicle columnist named Mark Morford. Mark is the cleverest, poison pen lefty in this or any other universe. This week, he aimed his rapier-like prose at one of PIG's favorite targets: Twerpy Tommy Cruise. Here are a few memorable tidbits from this inspirational prose:
This pagan scribbler confers mega props on Mark Morford for another stellar column. A
VRWC War Zone Visit Determined to get the real story about our efforts to restore order in Iraq, some VRWC second stringers organized something they call the "Truth Tour". The trip to Iraq will, we're assured, serve up the real news about the ongoing melee in Iraq, not the defeatist bovine excrement dished up by the infamous "mainstream media". This VRWC field trip will include broadcasts from U.S. Central Command headquarters in Baghdad's Green Zone, plus field reports from the participants as they make day trips with our troops. Big, big fun. The prime movers behind this effort are 'the conservative Web cast radio group Rightalk.com and Move America Forward, a non-profit conservative group backed by a Republican-linked public relations firm in California' (Fox News). Seven to ten members strong, the 'Truth Tour" will include a Gulag based boom box talker - KSFO's Melanine Morgan - plus two writers from David Horowitz's 'Front Page Magazine'. It probably won't include such top echelon boom box babblers as Hannity, Medved, Elder, Limbaugh or Savage. If anyone manages to get their butt shot off, or something newsworthy transpires, PIG News will give you all the nifty tidbits. JUNE 2005
ABC Dumps Reality Show Source: Washington Post [06/30] ABC surrendered to pressure group whining and nuked an already finished reality show before the first episode hit the allegedly "public" airwaves. The show is named "Welcome to the Neighborhood" and it's as dead as the dodo bird. It's untimely demise is a tad puzzling, since, on paper, "Welcome to the Neighborhood" seemed ideal fare for an egregiously liberal network like ABC. Set in a lily white, Austin (Mexas) neighborhood populated by WASPs, it had all the essential elements to keep the properly-hyphenated couch potato fixated throughout the six show run. Essentially a culture war in miniature, "Welcome to the Neighborhood" showcased three white, Christian, Mexas families who were given the task of choosing the family who would be allowed to move into a vacant house on their street. Determined to elicit all those legendary great white Christian bigot responses, the show's producers pulled out the stops when it came to selecting the 'candidate' families:
Given the show's theme, you probably think that James Dobson, Brent Bozell, or some other family values fathead whined the show off the airwaves. If you think that, you're wrong. This time, it was GLAAD BAAGs and other Korrectniks who fired "not on my boob tube" shots across ABC's bows. Their primary complaint is that, despite a properly-enlightened - can't we all just get along - conclusion, the show gives "intolerance and bigotry" a boob tube network seal of approval in the initial episodes. One Korrectnik whimper was all it took for ABC to furl its sales, and cut its losses. Gutless? You better believe it, liberal media bias Sparky. If you're thinking that ABC will salvage its investment by selling the completed, but unaired, reality series to a cable network with more spine, join the club. It's stay tuned time in the top secret PIG News bunker. PIG
Kudos Daily Double Shaquille
O'Neal PIG kudos got out to Shaq for showing, through his own shining example, that there's more to life than the fame and fortune that a lucky few earn on the basketball court. Alicia
Keys If you want to pitch in, here are the salient facts:
PIG confers kudos on Ms. Keys for helping these teenagers get the mentoring she wanted, needed, but never had while growing up. Look up giving something back in your Websters and you'll find Alicia's picture. Silence
Is Golden? An outraged News Max, breathlessly, reports that Hillary and/or her willing News Nitwit toadies are, systematically, banning the author of a Comrade Hillary bashing tome - "The Truth About Hillary: What She Knew, When She Knew It and How Far She'll Go to Become President" from the allegedly public airwaves.
At press time, a few brave souls, and the usual VRWC suspects, swam against the Hillary coddling tide by interviewing Mr. Klein. Hannity was among the first, along with bellowing boom box asshat Mike Gallagher. Will others risk Comrade Hillary Hell and give her new nemesis some air time? I haven't got a clue, so stay tuned...Same PIG time, Same PIG station... Kulture
Quirks How
Low Can They Go? This is just what I never knew that I always wanted: a reality show staring Bobby Brown that showcases the train-wreck he calls wedded bliss with Whitney Houston. For those too young to remember, Whitney was once a very popular, gifted, singer. That, of course, was before she careened onto a well traveled, career nuking path called: chronic drug addiction. If there's an ounce of drama here it's this: can the show's producers keep Whitney off the stuff for the whole season? If you can't wait to get up close and personal with Bobby and his drug-addled bride, your torment is almost over. If you're desperately seeking some way to avoid this newest reality show blight, I've got that covered too. It's coming to a boob tube near you, starting June 30 on the USA channel. The decision to tune in or tune out is all yours, get a life of your own Sparky. A
Martha Stewart Musical? Kulture
News Nuggets More
Diva Adventures Gregory might need to rename his film "Busted" if he has to shell out for blimp butt's diva demands. The New York Post's Page Six reports that J Lo's demands include a luxury motor home, a private villa, and funding for her $10,000 a day hair wrangler, Oribe. Page Six predicts a memorable J Lo eruption when the film's bean counter tells her that there's no budge for her hair wrangler, or assorted other diva demands. Since it's gonna get real fun when this wench get her oversized caboose in an uproar, PIG will bring you all the nifty details. All
Dressed Up and No Place To Go A few bright bulbs are pitching the idea of a Miss America themed reality show, that would play out over a several nights. That might fly, if they can capture the behind the scenes hissing, spitting, clawing and name-calling, up close and personal. Like it or not, the Amerikan boob tube viewing public has demonstrated an insatiable appetite for such things. Will Miss America get "real" or will it simply fade away? I haven't got a clue, but when 'it' happens, we'll post the gory details. What
The Hell Are They Smoking? Media Matters for America is, by its own admission, "progressive" and dedicated to monitoring "a cross section of print, broadcast, cable, radio, and Internet media outlets for conservative misinformation -- news or commentary that is not accurate, reliable, or credible and that forwards the conservative agenda" (Media Matters Web Site). If you wonder what that means in flyover country English, I've got your back. When you look through the list of key Media Matters players, you quickly discover that Media Matters is staffed, exclusively, by lefties of the Georgie Soros Red Brigade ilk. With a pedigree like that, you can - and should - expect to see every VRWC media punk and/or punkette vilified, castigated and soundly pummeled on a daily basis. If that's what you expect, you won't be disappointed. I know what you're thinking, Sparky and you're right. So far nothing I've written is breaking news, but Media Matters does have one inexplicable compulsion. They insist that, contrary to VRWC propaganda, former minion of President Jimmy Carter and flunkey for House Speaker Thomas "Tip" O'Neill, Chris Matthews, is not a liberal and barely earns the right to call himself a Democrat. Maybe I should repeat that, after you have time to let it sink in: Media Matters insists - quite vociferously - that Chris Matthews is not a liberal. Are these lefty punks delusional? Not really. It's all a matter of perspective and how far left you are when you view the political spectrum. In the alternate reality where Media Matters resides, Rush and Hannity might as well turn in their VRWC membership cards because Chris Matthews makes them look like Commie Pinko scumbags. Of course, it's this same alternate reality that - undoubtedly - would have them calling Vladimir Lenin, Karl Marx, and Chairman Mao conservative toadies, but I digress - yes, again. Despite what Media Matters says, Mister Hardball is, to any rational adult, a liberal and by his own admission a Democrat. His sin - after you shovel through all the Marxist hyperbole - is his refusal to march in lockstep with the Georgie Soros Red Brigade wing that controls the Donkey Clan. In other words, the reason Media Matters is so down on Matthews is the fact that - in their fevered brains - Matthews isn't liberal enough. The smoking Media Matters gun on Chris "Closet Conservative" Matthews seems to involve the fact that Mister Hardball is guilty of a cardinal sin: occasionally aiding and abetting something those dastardly Elephant Clan hacks said or did, by holding the Donkey Clan's feet to the fire over a given DNC issue or position. A much more telling criticism is Mister Hardball's attitude about Comrade Hillary: "Matthews has repeatedly smeared Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-NY) and questioned her ability to lead." (Media Matters). He criticized Comrade Hillary! How dare he! Off with his head! PIG's crackpot medical staff thinks that Media Matters needs to get a grip, take their medication, increase the voltage on their shock treatments and those voices in their head will stop giving them these asinine delusions. In closing, PIG apologizes to its loyal PIGsters for the shameful fact that, to date, we have not managed to register on the Media Matters "Enemies of Progressivism" radar. We're so ashamed by this calamitous failure that it can't be quantified. Following
Those Greenbacks When asked by Larry King if Neverland's Fairy Prince might leave the USA, Joe Jackson's loser son, Jermaine, opined that his baby brother might indeed pack up his Jesus juice and live elsewhere. An instant later, this poster punk for losers expressed his desire to join his freakish bro in exile. Of course he's gonna follow the freak. It's the only way this parasite can keep bagging dead presidents from Mikey: Jermaine's only revenue source. Larry King continues to be the unchallenged champion of the "Well, duh" moment. On
Your Mark, Get Set... GO
Figure GO
Away PIG thinks we should pass the hat for a "runaway again, Jennifer" fund. This time, we hope the proper authorities are smart enough not to look for this wandering wench. GO
Taking a Flying Leap Forcing ourselves to swallow our bile, PIG confers the venerable one-finger salute on Mark "Rat Bastard" Felt, his family, Tom Hanks and PublicAffairs. Katie's
New Keeper Leaving nothing to chance, Twerpy Tommy Cruise took meaningful steps to guide his new squeeze - Katie Holmes - along the narrow Scientology path when he assigned a major Scientology player to accompany Katie on her flick-promoting press junkets. Katie's keeper is Jessica Rodriguez and she's heavy duty in Scientology terms with the newly conferred rank of "New Operating Thetan IV". I know what you're thinking, but, thanks to Radar Magazine, I'm all over it:
Jessica's primary function as Katie Keeper is to ward off "suppressive persons". In case you don't 'get it', "suppressive persons" is Scientology code for preventing a rational adult from telling Katie to pull her head out of her butt and run as far from these Scientology wingnuts as she can, before it's too late. You can bet the farm that, in the coming weeks Katie's pre-Tommy friends and her family will find it increasingly hard to reach this Twerpy-dazzled thespian. Many concerned individuals seek ways to save Katie from the fate Twerpy Tommy has scripted for her, but I'm not one of them. According to her birth certificate, Katie is an adult and thus entitled to majorly trash her life in any way she sees fit. In other words, she volunteered to spend time in this Scientology hell, so I have no problem whatsoever letting the deluded wench burn in it. You
Had To See This One Coming The good news from TV land is that the Fairy Prince of Neverland's loser family might be headed for a payday. The bad news from TV land is that, still unable to earn one damn cent on their own, Joe Jackson's loser leeches are, once again, trying to squeeze a few bucks from the family's only meal ticket: Neverland's Fairy Prince. According to a Hollywood Reporter item, Joe Jackson's parasite horde is shopping around a reality show based on - insert your favorite trumpet fanfare here - their trials and tribulations during the Santa Maria Circus. If that doesn't make you contemplate suicide, nothing will. PIG continues to ask the burning question: What the hell will it take to make Joe Jackson and his parasite horde - every damn one of them, including Neverland's Fairy Prince - go the hell away, forever? PIG fervently pleads for somebody to exile these loser leeches from the Solar System, but, we'll settle for persuading them to renounce their Amerikan citizenship and leave the "land of the free" for-goddamn-ever. A Joe Jackson parasite clan reality show? Somebody drive a stake through its heart, right damn now, before the PIG staff goes postal. Update: "Hawaii
Five-O", The Movie The fun fact that "Hawaii Five-O" reruns are on a Hell-A area channel that is one short step from oblivion should tell any unwary movie producer all that he really needs to know about the prospects for a "Hawaii Five-O" movie. Obviously, some people can't take a hint, because some motherless, film-making fool decided to perpetrate a "Hawaii Five-O" flick. Making this big screen snooze fest a slam dunk for turbo stinker is the breaking news that Ben "I can bury any movie 15 seconds after it opens" Affleck will play Steve McGarrett. One wag on a gossip newgroup opined that Ben was picked because his wooden acting matched Jack Lord's wooden acting in every possible way. That sounds too true to PIG's kulture vultures. A
Stellar Boom Box Stunt A Hoosier boom box station reset the radio stunt bar into nose bleed territory when it parked seven moving vans next to the RCA Dome where the Indianapolis Colts play their home games. The stunt is a slam dunk winner because it evokes the way the Colts left Baltimore in the dead of night, without warning. Needless to say, the phones were ringing off the hook throughout Indianapolis, until the inspired pranksters at 93.1 FM admitted that it was just a not so subtle reminder about what could happen if the city doesn't pull the trigger on a hotly debated stadium deal. Admittedly, this pagan scribbler is an unflinching opponent of these public funded sports stadium boondoggles, and this stunt doesn't change that. On the other hand, PIG News must confer heartfelt kudos on the people at the boom box station who staged such an inspired stunt. A
Nautical Daily Double A
Ship That Already Sailed PIG likes Molly for reasons we don't fully understand, so we'll lay off the obvious - and much too easy - slams, until we get more details. For now we remain puzzled - very puzzled - and thisclose to pinning a 'the U.S. S. Sequel sailed decades ago, Sparky' tag on a notion that appears to reset the "day late and a dollar short" bar, much, much higher. A
Ship That Won't Sail PIG dares to wonder if Mister No Spin Zone will tell his audience that he couldn't find 800 mental midgets who would pay for the dubious 'honor' of spending a week trapped on a cruise with him. It's safe to assume that tidbit won't make the No Spin Zone cut. That's why PIG is here to shout the thrilling news from the rooftops. Call us names if you must because we live for news nuggets as juicy as this. Kulture
News Nuggets Disney
Spoilsports PIG is shocked, shocked, I tell you that Disney would stoop to desecrating Lindsay's cultural treasures. A
Stinking Sinking Compelling
Attractions Label this tidbit "compelling attractions" in your full to bursting Angelina file. Tommy
Cruise Gets A Verbal Smackdown Brooke Shields hit Tommy Cruise where it hurts after Scientologist Tommy chided Brooke, publicly, for using Paxil to cope with her baby blues-induced depression. WENN served up these juicy tidbits:
PIG News confers kudos on Brooke for laying a stellar smackdown on Twerpy Tommy Cruise. Rambo
Goes Korrectnik Sly Stallone plans to squeeze another payday out of his Rambo character and this time around the plot reaches new, terminally Korrectnik lows. Perpetrated by the lunatic leftists at Miramax, 'Rambo IV' will pit an allegedly domesticated Rambo against Amerika's foremost 21st Century enemy: Amerikan white supremacists. That's right white supremacists. Apparently neither Sly nor the asshats at Miramax heard about a fun guy named Osama, or a paranoid North Korean dwarf named Kim Jong-il. The good news is that Sly has something to distract him from the Edgar Allen Poe biopic he's threatening to write and direct. The bad news is that 'Rambo IV' with it's lefty-inspired white supremacist villains already reeks and it hasn't even been written yet. The
Snoop Dog Stomping Caper A Northwest nitwit named Richard Moore got a lot more than he expected when he attended a Snoop Dog concert at Seattle's White River Amphitheater. For reasons that the Kings County Sheriff's Department are investigating, our hero climbed up on the stage with the Snoopster and that's when his life went from mundane to big time fun. An amateur video of the ensuing events shows Richard approaching the Snoopster from behind then putting his arm around the Snoopster's shoulders. At that point, several members of Snoop Dog's posse tackled our hero and "subdued" him, a euphemism for beating the snot out of Richard, leaving him with bruised ribs, a broken nose and split lip. Richard claims that his 'attackers' tore out his diamond earrings, lifted his wallet, watch and cell phone, then kicked his dog. Okay...OKAY! We made up the part about his dog, but the rest is under investigation by the Kings County authorities. Did Richard deserve to get stomped for climbing up on the stage and getting too close to the Snoopster? We're reserving judgement on that one. Did Richard deserve to get stomped for attending a Snoop Dog concert in the first place? You better damn believe it, tone deaf Sparky. MAY 2005
Mixed Feelings Source: Left Coast Report [05/31] There's a hot, reality show rumor that ageless horndog, Hugh Hefner, is poised to dip his pajama clad toe into the reality show waters with a new reality show shot in his Hell-A Playboy Mansion. The good news is that Hef's pad is full to bursting with nubile hotties. The bad news is that you'll need to watch them playing kissy face, and assorted other things, with a 79-year-old horndog who mainlines Viagra. A
Man Of Many 'Talents' Best known for making historically-challenged, Amerika bashing films - "JFK", "Nixon", "Born on the Fourth of July" - and cinematic turbo-stinkers like "Alexander", film punk Oliver Stone made headlines this week, by blundering into a police checkpoint potted to the gills. In addition to being differently-sober, Stone also got nailed for drug possession. Big, big fun. Fun fact: this isn't the first time a stoned Stone got nailed for driving while intoxicated. In 1999 he played rehab bingo after some Southern Mexifornia cops busted him for DUI. Based on his track record, Stone is much better at being a drunk driver than he is at film making. Dirty Harry said it all with these immortal lines: "A man's gotta know his limitations." Truer words, loyal readers, truer words. Sanity
Prevails The News Nitwits report that the Mikey Jackson jury dodged a major bullet today when the judge presiding over the Santa Maria Circus ruled that the prosecution can't pass out pictures of Mikey's nads in the courtroom. Normally, PIG stands up and salutes anything that might ruin Mikey's day, but even we have our limits. Scoping out Mikey's nads is number one with a bullet on our off limits list. This pagan scribbler can't speak for the Jackson jury, but the last damn thing I want or need is an 8 X 10 glossy of this the bleached-skin, noseless twerp's wang shoved under my nose. Thanks but no thanks prosecutor punk. Kudos to the judge for doing his bit to keep Mexifornia beautiful. Rescuing
Journalism "We are all extremely disturbed by what we see going on. The public air waves are owned by the public, and we all feel they're being abused and not being used for the public interest." (Berkeley journalism Dean Orville Schell) The Marxists infesting U.C. Berkeley's graduate journalism school are shocked, shocked, I tell you over the state of journalism in Amerika. They're so distressed over the pathetic condition of the mainstream media that they're enlisting help from such legendary Ivory Towers as Columbia, Harvard, Northwestern and the University of Southern California. Funded by the deep pockets at the Carnegie Corporation and the Knight Foundation, this scheme to brainwash aspiring journalists is called the "Carnegie-Knight Initiative for the Future of Journalism Education".
The unspoken message here is that, Beserkeley eggheads and their Ivory Tower cohorts want to replace the mainstream media's garden variety liberalism with a the strident Marxism that infests Beserkeley, Columbia, Harvard, et al. Due to the news consumer's increasing reliance on the Internet and such egregiously illiberal broadcast sources as Fox News, the Ivory Tower eggheads in all those journalism departments are increasingly frustrated over their inability to infuse your preferred news sources with their beloved cultural Marxism. PIG News predicts that this program is the eggheads' opening salvo in a battle to obliterate all vestiges of objective news reporting from Amerikan journalism. Make no mistake, they intend to brainwash you, by any means necessary, or die trying. The unfiltered news source genie is out of the bottle, Ivory Tower egghead asshats. No matter how hard you try, you'll never succeed in stuffing him back inside. Ain't reality a bitch? You better believe it, Marxist egghead Sparky. Mickey
Jackson's Moving Experience Fox New's 911 reports that, if Mikey eludes justice with a "not guilty" verdict in the Santa Maria Circus, he's planning to pick up his toys and move his under the bedcovers kiddie cuddling antics to Europe or Africa. As notions go, this one seems like one of Mikey's ultra rare good ones. Don't let the door slap you on the butt, Mikey. PIG News found the following Fox 911 prose especially amusing:
If, as seems likely, Mikey eludes justice...again, sending him to the Surrender Monkeys or Africa seems like the best damn idea we've heard in a long, long time. Now, if we could just get him to take his flaky family with him, life would be damn near perfect. Ruckus
at The Corporation for Public Broadcasting According to a pair of whining Donkey Clan congress-dweebs, Rep. John Dingell, and Rep. David Obey, President Bush turned a partisan conservative fox loose in the (allegedly) apolitical public broadcasting henhouse when he made Kenneth Tomlinson Chairman of PBS's parent company, the non-profit Corporation for Public Broadcasting (CPB). These Donkey Clan hacks are so distressed over Tomlinson's antics that they penned a plaintive wail for help to the CPB's Inspector General, Kenneth Konz, demanding that he take a close look at Chairman Tomlinson's blatantly partisan antics. Setting aside the time-worn whoppers about PBS being free from any political ideology, PIG News will cite Chairman Tomlinson's alleged 'sins' against public broadcasting:
The Donkey Clan whiners finish their complaint by citing the one 'sin' that PIG deems punishable by summary execution: Tomlinson is purported to be the driving force behind the funding for a new PBS blight that stars the limpest piece of conservative commentary crap in the known universe, Tucker Carlson. PIG is willing to set aside the incontrovertible fact that CPB and it's PBS lackeys should be cut loose from Nanny State control and allowed to succeed or fail in the marketplace. PIG is equally willing to overlooking Tomlinson's heavy handed Elephant Clan promotion at CPB. But, PIG refuses to forgive or forget his role in inflicting a pathetic peabrain like Tucker Carlson on the unsuspecting Amerikan public. For that unpardonable sin we demand Tomlinson's head on the proverbial platter. This is not a drill. Just
Shoot Me Some alleged bright bulbs seem poised to do for Broadway, what Titney Spears' reality show blight is doing for the boob tube: stink up the place. The three clowns responsible for the newest Broadway atrocity are 'producers Barry and Fran Weissler and Mark Burnett'. Yes that Mark Burnett, the man who started the reality show deluge with his "Survivor" show. And what, you ask, are these three poised to perpetrate? A musical based on The Donald's reality show, 'The Apprentice'. 'The Apprentice' on Broadway? I'm betting that this reeking Big Apple gem will peg the stink-o-meter in our Top Secret Southern Mexifornia bunker. Titney's
Boob Tube Blight The following quotes are lifted from a newsgroup posting by a hapless victim of Titney's reality show blight "Chaotic":
Other than that, how did you like the play, Mrs. Lincoln? Excuse
Of The Decade When, after a 10 mile chase, the Georgia State police stopped actor Chris Tucker - Jackie Chan's co-star in "Rush Hour" - for doing 109 mph on Interstate 20, last month, the actor explained his antics with prose that belongs in the Excuse Hall of Fame. According to Chris, he didn't hear those police sirens blaring because he was on his way to church. Bold new concept. Despite the fact that he's famous, and used a supernaturalism-based excuse in solidly red state Georgia, Chris racked up a hefty $6,999 fine for his lead-footed antics. Normally, I'd advise the dweeb to leave earlier, but in this case, that might not be sufficient, because he was leaving his abode in Atlanta to attend church 200 miles away in Columbia, South Carolina. Why? I haven't got a clue, Sparky. I guess you just had to be there. J
Lo's Diva Moment Everyone was thrilled with the documentary about a certain blimp-butted Diva. Her record label Sony gave it two, heartfelt thumbs up. Her own managers gushed that it captured their Diva perfectly. The only dissenting voice came from the Diva herself, because she objected - strenuously - to a scene in the documentary that showed her yelling at the crew that was helping her perpetrate her "Rebirth" album. It sounds like the documentary captured the real J Lo and she didn't like having her Diva antics recorded for posterity. Go figure. NY
Post Registration Scheme Scuttled The New York Post's Draconian online registration scheme died an untimely demise today, when the paper's designated rational adult nuked the intrusive scheme after two day sojourn in the bad publicity meat grinder. Demanding chapter and verse from aspiring Post readers - including name, address, age, home phone number and income level - the Post's asinine registration scheme set off a powerful, 'kiss my ass' backlash, inside and outside the fishwrap. The Daily News' Lloyd Grove serves up the following prose about this NY Post debacle:
Lloyd Grove gloats that calls to Post executives Lachlan Murdock and Col Allan were never returned then chortles that Post PR punk, Howard Rubenstein, responded, belatedly, with a terse, "No comment.". If, as it now appears, this was a clever Post plot to drive down readership on its Internet site, the scheme worked like gang busters. No doubt, it seemed like a nifty idea at the time, but don't ask this pagan scribbler to answer the burning question: Why? They'll
Never Fit It Through The Door Her singing is lame enough that she couldn't win the Armpit, Idaho 'American Idol' tryouts. Her acting gave us a series of fetid stinkers whose stench is so potent, it makes an open cess pool seem like Surrender Monkey perfume. But, despite this record-shattering lack of anything remotely resembling talent, fat-assed diva, J. Lo thinks she's got the right stuff to be Amerika's first female president.
Don't quit your day job - whatever the hell that is - butt-breath. Amerikans can do amazing things, but all of Uncle Sam's horses and all of his men can't shoe horn your no-talent hippo ass through the Oval Office door. That sound you hear emanating from PIG's top secret bunker is the PIG staff laughing like mental patients and make no mistake, hippo hips, we're not laughing with you, we're laughing at you. APRIL 2005
Kulture
News Briefs Tom
Cruise I 'got it' when Tommy boy dropped Spanish spitfire Penelope Cruz and landed in the smoldering, uh, lap, of a South American hyper hottie named Sofia Vergara, because, by any rational standard, that's trading 'up', big damn time. Even the casual observer could see that, Sex Goddess Sofia is way too much woman for little Tommy and, apparently, Tommy boy agreed. How else can you explain the incomprehensible fact that he just ditched Smoking Sofia - a woman whose potent sexuality is legendary - and moved down the babe-o-licious food chain...way down, to a Dawnson's Creek wench...some girl next door cuteness named Katie Holmes. Apparently, this avowed virgin, Katie "I'm saving it until I'm married" Holmes, is just Torpid Tommy's speed. Those horndogs who crave a peek at Smokin Sofia - and we both know who you are - will find a useful link on PIG's Girlie Man of the Week page. After you take in all that hotness, I defy you to explain why any red-blooded dude would give that up for Katie Holmes. Penelope
Cruz Still close friends - and nothing more - with sultry Salma, Penelope is up to here with all the "dyke" drivel that keeps cropping up. I feel your pain, Penelope, but let's get real for a moment. Man or woman...straight or gay...who could get that close to Salma's bodacious butt and resist the impulse to grab a fistful? You're only human, darlin and we understand. We really understand. Not
Your Mommy's Hole-In-One An LPGA golf wench named Jackie Gallagher-Smith has the whole golf world in a tizzy, thanks to her sordid exploits with her former caddy, Gary Robinson. The fun started when 36 year old Jackie heard her biological ticking, panicked and decided that she needed to do something drastic, in order to fulfill her mommyhood aspirations. With hubby Eddie Smith unable to 'get 'er done', Jackie decided to bring in a sperm-packing pinch hitter. Sizing up her 26 year old caddy, Gary, she decided he'd do nicely, and the rest, as they say, is history. Our aspiring mommy got things rolling while her hubby was 'out of town' by inviting her chosen stallion to come stay at her Palm Beach County domicile. Using golf videos - we all know how erotic they are - to distract Gary, Jackie got increasingly physical with him, until she culminated her initial approach by sitting on his lap and kissing him. During the ensuing weeks, she took things to the next level and lured a willing Gary into "a sexual relationship" that involved "daily sexual activity". Satisfied that Gary was ready, Jackie finally made her grab for that elusive, mommyhood brass ring:
Belatedly, Gary got the big picture and decided that he's been treated so shabbily that he needed to sue the heartless wench. Whining about being treated like sperm doner and whimpering about "pain and suffering due to Gallagher-Smith's refusal to allow him access" to the child he sired, Gary went full blown shyster bonkers. When that thrilling news got out, it set all those sports-a-holic tongues wagging, big damn time. Call me names if you must, but I don't see the problem. Gary got all the "wham, bam, thank you ma'am" action a dude could want and she got the baby she wanted. He should thank his chosen deity that Jackie isn't nailing him for child support. Given her lofty standard of living and his meager salary, that could get very pricy. Cut the crap, dude and stop your whining. Another
Jaw-Dropping Headline AP spewed a headline that reset the bar for jaw-dropping, allegedly-journalistic stupidity. In a desperate ploy to land that coveted number one slot on PIG's groundbreaking "Well, Duh" top ten, some AP scribbler perpetrated the following, stop-the-presses headline:
Shooting victim hurt? No shit, Sherlock. "Hurt" is one of the milder consequences of getting shot. Shooting victim hurt! Who the hell writes this claptrap? There are times, this being a prime example, when "Well, Duh" is grossly inadequate. NFL
Killjoys Nuke "Ron Mexico" The new hotness at the NFL's online store just got banned because it's not the kind of thing the league wants to promote. The 'it' involves an Atlanta Falcon replica jersey featuring a number '7' and the name "Ron Mexico". I know what you're thinking, Sparky and you're right on both counts:
Both points are true, more or less, but therein lies a tale. According to a civil lawsuit filed just last month, Michael Vick infected a wench with herpes. The plaintiff further contends that Mr. Vick used the name "Ron Mexico" when he sought medical treatment for his nasty nads malady. When this tasty tidbit hit the new cycle, certain cutting edge NFL fans ordered the aforementioned number 7 Atlanta Falcon replica jersey bearing the name "Mexico". They got thisclose to bagging their sports wear, when the NFL stepped in and added "Ron Mexico" to the list of words banned on all their authorized gear. Fear not, "Ron Mexico" fans, all isn't lost. At press time, certain Amerikan capitalists were doing a brisk business selling "Ron Mexico" t-shirts. You probably won't die of shock when you hear that Michael "Ron Mexico" Vick refuses to comment on the lawsuit or his infamous alias. Korrectness
Hits The Golf Links The United States Golf Association thrilled puritans spitless on March 21st when officials announced their new Korrectnik player policy. Under this new rule, transsexuals can compete as their newly chosen gender under certain conditions, two years after their nads-nipping medical procedure. Big, big fun, and, as expected, the usual "hating homos for the Lord" suspects are spreading joy all over the damn place:
If, as Robert Knight opines, Old Ka-Boom is a big time women's golf fan, it's news to this pagan. Tragically delusional, Mr. Knight needs to chill out, take meaningful steps to resolve his substance abuse problems then attempt to take in the big, women's golf tour picture. Since he's unwilling, or unable, to go that extra mile, I'll do it for him. Refusing to attract viewers via the never fails "booty factor", the USGA is trying something new with this innovative, but unnecessary, gender bending sideshow. This PIG scribbler thinks the USGA can garner all the attention they could handle, in a New York minute, if they talked sports hottie Anna Kournikova into trading her tennis gear for some golf clubs. Even a homo-hating dweeb like Robert Knight has to greet a golf tour staring Anna Kournikova with a rousing "hallelujah". Must
See TV PIG is thrilled to report that Pam Anderson and her rambunctious sweater puppies return to the small screen this week. For certain obvious reasons, plus the frivolous fact that Pam plays a bookseller, this new show is titled "Stacked". With a title like that it shouldn't shock you senseless to learn that it's on Fox Television at 8:30pm on Wednesday night. Proving how detached from reality certain fishwraps are, a New York Times review worried that viewers might not believe Pam as a bookstore employee who could sell serious literature to intellectually inclined readers. With Pam's assorted charms, she could sell refrigerators to Eskimos. Trust me when I tell you that believability isn't a problem here, Times twerp Sparky. As usual this new show elicits a couple PIGish observations.
Welcome back Pam. We missed them...uh...you. GM
Dumps It's Hell-A Times Advertising Citing the L.A. Times unfavorable prose in a series of recent articles, General Motors announced that it will pull all its advertising from Hell-A's terminally lefty fishwrap. Depending on whose calculations you believe this will cost the Times at least ten million dollars, but other estimates double that amount. According to research performed by Prudential, GM's 2004 advertising budget dumped a hefty $21,000,000 into the Hell-A fishwrap's coffers. The L.A. Times and its Tribune parent company have very deep pockets, but it's a slam dunk that losing their biggest advertiser will inflict a telling wound on this irredeemably lefty fishwrap. Call us names if you must, because, PIG refuses to apologize for enjoying this fetid fishwrap's fiscal angst. GLAAD
BAAG Cable Channel It's named "Here!" and it's destined to make landfall in 40 million homes from sea to shining sea. Oh, did I mention that "Here!" is a new premium cable channel that is aimed at Amerika's GLAAD BAAG couch spuds? It must have slipped my mind. Feeling your pain, PIG offers these tantalizing tidbits from the new cable outlet's schedule:
I can hear those wheels turning Sparky and I've got it covered. "Here!" is available on Cox Cable's On Demand digital cable scheme for a paltry $6.95 a month. Be there, or be square. Kulture
News Briefs Cancel
That Alert, Brent Don't
Get Your Hormones In An Uproar, Sparky Titney's
Reality Show
If Titney is so flippin happy with this punk, why does she keep trying so hard to convince the world that he's not what he appears to be: a womanizing gigolo who took one look at Titney's bank account and fell head over heals in love with Titney's boodle? Am I the only one who's predicting that, when this desperate attempt to reanimate Titney's career fails, she'll be begging Hef to feature her sili-cones in a "Titney Gets Naked" Playboy spread? I doubt it. You're on your own, this time out, devoted readers, because, this pagan scribbler doesn't give a rat's ass about this past her prime poptart or the punk she pays to bed her. Desperate
Housewives Cat Fight
Whatever they're paying the unnamed ABC rep, it's not enough. If he didn't have a 'substance abuse' problem before he started playing referee to these wrangling wenches, he's damn sure got one now. PIG feels your pain dude, but we're not sorry enough to trade places with you. MARCH 2005
PETA Takes On J Lo Source: San Francisco Chronicle [03/29] When I saw the teaser headline about PETA in a fight with J Lo over the wench's egregious animal abuse, I envisioned a tragic water buffalo stampede caused by prolonged exposure to the fat-assed diva's thespian antics in 'Gigli'. The truth, isn't quite that interesting, but it's worth mentioning. PETA went postal because the wench with the oversized caboose used animal fur in her new "Sweetface" clothing line. When J Lo refused to listen to reason, PETA decided to spread the joyous news via a $5,000 advertising spread in 'Billboard'.
On Monday, when the magazine told PETA that they were canceling the ad, PETA smelled a fat-assed diva rat, and they might be right. Those in the know, opine that J Lo's record label - Sony Corp's Epic Records - applied the necessary, deep-pocketed, pressure to get PETA's tasteful ad dumped into the crapper. Welcome to the real world, PETA punks. Kulture
News Quickies J.
Lo Celine
Anyone who can sleep through Celine's over the top screeching must be very damn drunk or a narcoleptic. Whatever the case, I'm sure that those doomed to stay awake during her performance envy these sound sleepers. Kulture
News Roundup Culture
War Sneak Attack
According to Broadcast & Cable, as of March 21 - 9 days after the deed - the FCC hadn't received a single complaint. Has Bozell fallen asleep on the job? We're shocked, shocked, I tell you. Mariah's
Diva Moment
For those who wonder why the Bagolioni Hotel staff played Mariah's diva games, the answer is simple: 15, $3,800 per night, hotel rooms that were booked for 3 nights. That's a cool $171,000 headed for those Bagolioni coffers. At those prices, I'm guessing that nobody will mistake the Balolioni for a Motel 6, but I'm willing to bet that the Brits did "leave a light on for her". Salty
Sports Prose Golfer Fred Couples thrilled broadcast decency dipsticks spitless, when he dropped an "F-Bomb" over a live microphone during a live golf tournament broadcast on NBC. The purple prose that made Brent Bozell's day hit the 'public' airwaves after Fred took 'a lift-and-clean drop from the cart path' (Post). As luck would have it, Fred's drop landed the ball in a "nasty hole". The ensuing titters from the gallery prodded Fred into serving up his soon to be legendary purple prose:
Just to be safe, somebody better alert Amerika's self-appointed censor - L. Brent Bozell III - stat, because we all know how much Amerika's egregiously unsupervised tykes love watching golf on the tube. Titney
Gives Mikey Some Manly Advice No longer the preferred Pop Tart flavor of the month, Titney Spears strayed back onto PIG's Kulture Radar this week when she bestowed her vast wisdom on everyone's favorite bleach-skinned, noseless, (alleged) pervert, Mikey Jackson. Titney has it all figured out, so sit back and bask in her glorious sagacity.
Growing a mustache might be a problem for Mikey, but getting into a fight is a slam dunk. Let him wander into any bar in the country, without his entourage, and he won't have any trouble finding someone who wants to kick his squirrely butt. Am I the only one struck by the irony here? What irony? For starters, the startling fact that Titney has a better grip on 'how to be a man' than Mikey does. Bold New Concept. Deja
Vu? Actor, director, and supernaturalist icon, Mel Gibson, is back to take another bite from the box office windfall apple with a - slightly - toned down version of his Cross Dude blockbuster, 'The Passion'. The new version 'The Passion Recut' trimmed six or seven minutes of relentless carnage, but it's still considered a non-negotiable "R" by the MPAA. Life is so cruel that way. How, you ask, is "The Jesus Chainsaw Massacre" doing in its new incarnation? Not that well, so far, but it's still early in the game. Released in 957 theaters, the new version, "The Jesus Skillsaw Massacre", took in a paltry $240,000. An AP scribbler estimates - gleefully, no doubt - that this works out to 'less than 10 people per showing'. Will Mel reach for the "M" rating brass ring by returning to the editing room to produce a kinder, gentler, third version? I don't know but if he does it has to be renamed to "The Jesus Jigsaw Massacre". Okay, okay! I know it's a cheap shot and I'm so whipped with guilt that I'll forgo asking the congregation for a rousing "amen". SpongeBob
Update [For the original PIG News piece on this epic see an article in PIG's Kulture News dated 01/20/2005.] Despite the caterwauling from traditional family values puritans like James Dobson's Focus on the Family and Don Widmon's American Family Association, the tolerance-promoting video starring SpongeBob Squarepants - plus assorted other kiddie program favorites - is set to make landfall at 60,000 government cess-schools nationwide. Obviously the Korrectniks and their Educrat cohorts remain undeterred by the family values uproar. So be it. For those who need them, here are the SpongeBob Squarepants Tolerance Video Cliff Notes:
This epic is a case study in why Amerika's compulsory, one-size-fits-all, government cess-schools don't work. "Growing
Up Gotti" Must Go! Certain NYPD badge packers - the 6,000 strong Columbia Association - want cable outlet A&E to deep six "Growing Up Gotti" because this cable network fare gives Italian-Americans a boo-boo on their fragile psyche. Poor babies! At first, the Columbia Association swallowed their outrage, hoping that the show would tank and disappear into boob tube oblivion after one ignoble season. When its improbable popularity brought "Growing Up Gotti" back for a second season, the outraged men in blue fired off a 'scathing letter to A&E cable channel demanding "Growing Up Gotti" be canceled' (Daily News). Ever so politely, A&E execs interrupted their laughter-filled stroll to the bank to advise the badge-packing protesters to go pound sand. For those just emerging from a coma, be advised that the aforementioned show stars room temperature Mafia boss John Gotti's daughter, Victoria, and her three punkass sons. An amply endowed wench with bleach blonde tresses, Ms. Gotti claims she's just a single mom - Mafia punk hubby is in the slammer - who is "struggling to raise three boys". Struggling? If you've seen the show you know she's got her hands full with these hormone gorillas. On the other hand, she does her struggling in a 14-room, Long Island mansion, that was - undoubtedly - paid for with papa's ill-gotten gains. PIG thinks A&E should 'do the right thing' and, publically, thank the Columbia Association for helping publicize "Growing Up Gotti". Maybe Victoria could send these NYPD 'fans' a pinup shot that features her classically-Italian cleavage. That should lift everyone's...spirits. Kulture
News Roundup Whoppi
Goldberg
This PIG scribbler gives props to the Whoopster for her "right back at you" response to Citizens United. Say
It Isn't So PIG refuses to put words in its readers mouth, but our reaction to this steaming, pernicious programming load is unequivocal: just shoot us. Kulture
News Tidbits Ashlee Star Star's
Shysters wrote: PETA's
Shysters replied: "With all due respect, we cannot believe that Ms. Jones Reynolds would remain unmoved by the video footage we have in our possession of animals suffering greatly when killed for their fur. Therefore, we fervently hope that you will ask your client to meet with us and allow us to make our case to her on behalf of the animals and to present her with a beautiful faux fur." (Page Six) Put down the chocolate suicide cake, hippo breath...it's your move, Star. Coming
To Amerika? The play that outraged Brit supernaturalists might make landfall in the Big Apple (New York City) if the wingnuts who perpetrated "Jerry Springer, The Opera" get their way. For the sake of any New Puritans who stumble on this PIG News item, here are some "Jerry Springer, The Opera" tidbits from various news sources:
Catholic League president, William Donahue didn't pull any punches when he assailed this Brit play:
When Brent Bozell, Don Wildmon, James Dobson and John Hagee get wind of this alleged entertainment, it's gonna be big fun time in the Big Apple. I, for one, can't wait for this culture war melee to get started. FEBRUARY 2005
More Brent Bozell Bovine Excrement Source: AP [02/25] The FCC Thought Police shot down a Brent Bozell scripted complaint about a 2003 episode of the WB's "Angel", this week, insisting that Brent's nitpicking didn't make the elusive 'indecency' cut. For those who obsess on such trivia, here are the relevant 'indecencies' as described by this AP piece:
Brent and his decency obsessed robots in the PTC can take heart from the fact that this WB series about vampires has been canceled. Better luck next time, Brent. Kulture
News Nuggets Singing
A New Tune Banned
In Hollywood Shrek
2's Hidden Agenda
PIG News is shocked, shocked, I tell you. Will exposure to Shrek 2 make little Joey demand a boob job and start wearing his sister's knickers? Lou Sheldon thinks so, but we, respectfully, suggest that he up the voltage on his shock treatments. Inspired
Movie Dubbing Talon
News Shuts Down The Jeff Gannon sordid saga [PIG's Kulture News 02/10] chalked up another victim this week, when the company that posted Jeff's stories, Talon News - pulled down its site to "reevaluate operations" before it resumes operation. Jeff's adventure in journalism careened off the rails when some Internet sleuths discovered that staunch right wing conspirator, Jeff, is, in real life a dude named James Guckert, purveyor of three homosexual escort, Internet, sites and - allegedly - a pay-for-play dude who gets horizontal with other males. Tarnished by their affiliation with Jeff/James, Talon News needs to retool, then try to win back the trust bestowed upon them by its loyal, red state readers. When, if ever, they return, we'll serve up any, and all, the newsworthy facts. Afterthought
If Talon issues any more apologetic prose, PIG will provide all the juicy tidbits. Ramming
Digital Television Down Amerika's Throat Anyone who still believes the Elephant Clan's "free market", "pro capitialism" rhetoric needs to wake up and smell the pachyderm punks' socialist coffee. Eschewing their free market posturing , some Elephant Clan congresspunks are determined to coerce reluctant Amerikan consumers into switching to digital television. These alleged free marketeers are plotting to impose the new standard, forcibly, by December 2006, but, it's for our own good, they insist, pointedly ignoring existing legicrap and marketplace dynamics. Fact: Under prevailing legicrap, the December 2006 changeover date isn't etched in stone; it's conditional. It only takes effect if, by that date, 85% of Amerikan households are equipped for digital television. Fact: Only 12% of Amerikan households are digital television ready, today, and analog sets still outsell the more expensive digital sets by a wide margin. Fact: A television with a built-in digital tuner costs, on average, $950, each. Since most homes are equipped with multiple sets this means a consumer converting to digital is looking at a $2,000 to $8,000 (or more) price tag, depending on how many sets he owns. The Legicrats perpetrating this digital television mandate want to subsidize the conversion costs for the 21 million homes who receive their boob tube programming with television antenna. The majority of Amerikan households that get their boob tube fare via cable or satellite are strictly on their own. Since the marketplace is giving this digital television crap a resounding thumbs down, because it's just too goddamn expensive, it's time to tell these alleged "free market" congresspunks to butt the hell out. If, like me, you're up to here with these hack asshats, contact the two congressional assclowns ramming this digital mandate down our throats: Congressman Joe Barton, R-Mexas; Congressman Fred Upton, R-Michigan. Don't let them use the government's monopoly on the use of force to dictate your choice in entertainment technology, because such coercion is no shit un-goddamn Amerikan. Cross
Cult Boob Box Outlet Pulls CAIR Ad A Florida based boom box outlet, WTBN-AM, decided that its core audience - evangelical Cross Cultists - wouldn't appreciate CAIR's (Council on America-Islamic Relations) paid advertisement, so they pulled the ad from their airwaves. As expected, CAIR's spokes-weasels whimpered, whined and blithered but it's safe to assume they'll get over it, eventually. According to WTBN management, their actions stem from a visit they paid to CAIR's Internet site. Based on the information presented by CAIR's cyberspace outpost of Mecca Mania, WTBN management determined that CAIR's primary purpose is luring new convertes to Mecca Mania. Needless to say, this is a cardinal sin which WTBN will not tolerate. The station knows its audience and works diligently to serve their needs.
Hopefully you're fortified by your preferred adult beverage, because this pagan deems WTBN's antics "no harm, no foul". It's their station, their target audience and their call. If/when WTBN makes a wrong call, the marketplace - not the FCC, the courts or CAIR - will 'smite' them. That's gotta merit a rousing "Amen, brother" from the congregation. The
Jeff Gannon Saga Fall out from the pay-for-play journalism fiasco claimed another victim when a scribbler for an Elephant Clan news site - Talon-News.com - strayed into the news nitwit spotlight. Known for his softball, W-friendly, questions at presidential press conferences, Jeff Gannon - the name on his driver's license reads "Jim Guckert" - elicited more than a few "who the hell is that clown" reactions from veteran journalists. Always called upon by W, Jeff/Jim scored a news nitwit coup when the White House minions gave him a classified CIA memo that named agent Valerie Plame. When that blew up in the administrations face, Jeff/Jim found himself testifying in front of a grand jury. That's heavy duty stuff, for a lowly Internet scribbler and it raised numerous 'why him' questions. Smelling another White House "paid for" news nitwit, determined lefty sleuths decided to find out 'the rest of Jeff/Jim's story. Their search turned up a lot more than they expected:
On February 9, 2005, the differently-sexual chickens came home to roost when Jim/Jeff quit his job at Talon and the site, immediately expunged all traces of his stories from their news archives. An avowed conservative and born again Cross Cultist, Jeff/Jim found out, the hard way, that the vast right-wingnut conspiracy doesn't take kindly to conspirators who pimp for male hookers. How the once mighty have fallen? You better believe it, don't call us we'll call you Sparky. Kulture
News Nibbles Korean
Angst On the eve of the film's debut in the Czech Republic, North Korea's 'we're Mad as hell and we won't take this abuse anymore', embassy demanded that Czech officials to ban the film, because it "harms the image of [North Korea]". I'm pleased to report that the rational adults running the Czech Republic responded with the diplomatic equivalent of "bite me". File this epic under 'if the shoe fits', in your news archives. Afterthought Painting
A Bull's-Eye On The Donald
The show's purveyors insist that they're differently-abled cool and had several wheelchair-bound applicants during a recent tryout in the Big Apple. Will this slimy shyster asshat, coerce the Donald, et al, into putting him on the show? Only time will tell, but stranger things have happened. One fun fact is a lead pipe cinch: if this asshat did get on the show and lost, he'd sue anyone and everyone for discrimination. For that reason alone the Donald should do the smart thing by telling this whining piece of shyster crap to go pound sand. The
Great Billboard Caper Some too clever for his own good vast right-wing conspirator in a cabal called Citizens United hatched a plan that should thrill the socks off the liberal lip-flapping lefties who attend this year's Academy Awards festivities. When the usual, Hollywood lefty, suspects show up outside the Kodak Theater, later this month, they'll be greeted by three billboards thanking them for re-electing George W. Bush to a second term. Hollywood's lefty horde is already in a lather, but they'll probably get over it...in a millennia or two.
This pagan scribbler takes the occasional potshot at the VRWC (vast right-wingnut conspiracy), but not this time. For staging a world class, "in your face, lefty punks" stunt, this PIG scribbler confers heartfelt, turbo kudos on the inspired conspirators at Citizens United. Who said politics can't be fun? JANUARY 2005
An Inspired Radio Stunt Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [01/29] A Colorado Springs boom box morning team - Coffey and Alisha - landed in very hot water when they dispatched a dude in a SpongeBob costume to stage a one-mutant protest at James Dobson's, Colorado Springs, Focus on The Family enclave. The stunt went arwy when the SpongeBob dude violated orders and strayed onto Focus on The Family's property. Faster than a judgement day "amen", the protester was frantically explaining his antics to Colorado Springs' men in blue. When SpongeBob dude's connection to the Coffey and Alisha show surfaced, the popular KVUU pair were given an 'off the airwaves' timout - at least temporarily - by the station's suits. I'm guessing that Dobson and his minions applied enough heat to KVUU execs to panic them into shelving the popular morning drive time duo, for an - as yet - unspecified period. Chin up, Coffey and Alisha, PIG kudos are richly deserved and eagerly conferred. It's not your fault that Dobson - and KVUU management - are humor challenged. Stern's
Sweet Revenge According to the latest Arbitron ratings, those Clear Channel boom box outlets that dropped Decency Demon Howard Stern last February (2004) are paying a heavy price for their decency dementia. Love him or hate him, Howard Stern is a reliable ratings bonanza for stations that carry his show. If you need proof, consider the following ratings changes, after the stations dropped Stern's show:
The flip side is equally informative:
CNN asks the burning question when they wonder what happens to Stern's current provider, Infinity, after Howard moves to Sirus Satellite Radio in 2006. Based on the numbers cited by CNN, Infinity can't escape a major listener exodus when Howard Stern leaves their airwaves. Will Howard Stern, singlehandedly, put satellite radio 'on the map'? Don't bet against him, because Howard knows how to build - and keep - an audience. W
On Broadcast Decency When asked about the ongoing assault on broadcast 'indecency' by CSPAN's Brian Lamb, W's defense of our "inalienable" free speech protections was lukewarm, at best. Here is the relevant part of the interview as served up in this Broadcast & Cable article:
LAMB: Can I ask you about indecency? You've
got an opportunity to appoint a new chairman
of the Federal Communications Commission.
Michael Powell is leaving, and you might have
other appointments; you have five commissioners.
And one of the big issues moving around Capitol
Hill is indecency. And I want to ask you,
how far do you think government should go
in telling people who use the airwaves, the
broadcast stations, what can be said?
My answer would be, if I were interviewing
an FCC chairman, please tell me where the
line is, and make sure you protect the capacity
of people to speak freely in our society,
but be willing to -- if things get too far,
call them to account. I think Michael did
a good job of balancing that. For those who need help in translating this political prose into plain English, I'm all over it. Under W's inspired leadership, broadcast speech is controlled by two, egregiously undefined, goodies:
Make no mistake, violating this impossible to define, decency standard is a very expensive proposition, now that congress upped the ante, exponentially, with eye-popping broadcast indecency fines. If a broadcaster - deliberately, or accidentally - strays over the invisible, indecency line, there's bureaucratic hell to pay, literally. And what, you wonder, is W's helpful response to this deliberately undefined decency standard? He can't or won't define indecency, but "you know it when you see [or hear] it". Thanks a ton, dude. I get it, now...more or less. Since each of Amerika's denizens draws their own decency/indecency boundary, all a broadcaster has to do is appease each of Amerika's 280,000,000 aspiring media censors. How hard can that be? Maggot
Dissed, Again The Maggot's (Michael Moore) plus size ego took a second hit this week, when, hot on the heels of his exclusion from the Oscar Nomination derby the Writers Guild of America deemed his W-bashing documentary "Fahrenheit 9/11" unworthy of WGA consideration. Call me names if you must but 0 for 2 sounds terminally nifty to this Maggot-despising pagan. PBS
In The Bureaucratic Bull's-Eye W's newly enshrined Secretary of Educrap, Margaret Spellings, ruffled Korrectnik feathers when she bitch-slapped a PBS kiddie show - "Postcards From Buster". This PBS show's 'sin' involves using federal greenbacks to ram "different lifestyles" down the unsuspecting kiddies' throats, during an episode titled, "Sugartime!". Admittedly, "Postcards From Buster" is drenched in 'tolerance' and 'diversity', but that's hardly breaking news for anything served up at PBS. If you're not up to speed on this PBS fare be advised that Buster - an animated bunny - goes here and there with a digital video camera, 'exploring regions, activities, and people of different backgrounds and religions' (AP). If I need to decode 'people of different backgrounds and religions' for you, you're not paying attention. What, you ask, is Buster doing in the disputed episode that set off this Secretary Spellings' hissy fit? If you're smelling a differently-sexual themed, bureaucratic brain-fart, give yourself a cookie. In "Sugartime!", Buster travels to Vermont to get up close personal with the state's farming and maple sugar endeavors. So far so good, but Secretary Spellings reached orbital velocity when the episode featured a lesbian couple in a recurring, supporting, role. Although their sexuality is an incidental side issue that has nothing to do with the episode's primary focus, the merest glimpse of GLAAD BAAG-ism has W's top Educrat foaming at the mouth. Traditional family values readers will be thrilled to learn that Secretary Spellings' tantrum intimidated PBS into shelving the episode. Spouting drivel about sensitivity to parental concerns, a PBS spokesdolt insists that their episode-shelving antics have nothing to do with Margaret Spellings going piously postal. Nice try, PBS, but Secretary Spellings still wants all her federal dollars back. On Educrap Secretary Spellings' watch, government cess-schooled Johnny still can't read, write or compute. But, as long as she's in charge, government cess-schooled idiots with self esteem won't be lured into 'sin' by incidental exposure to "them damn homos" via lurid, tax-funded, PBS fare like "Postcards From Buster". Does anyone still wonder why Amerika's one-size-fits-all, government cess-schools don't work? Probably, but it's getting harder to deny bitter reality with every passing day. Bozell's
Petty Tyranny Exposed This week, the FCC's Thought Police rejected 36 complaints dished up by the Parent's Television Council's Brent Bozell-programmed robots. Before you start calling this pagan scribbler names and accusing him of aiding and abetting broadcast indecency, take the time to read about the petty, utterly asinine things that rot Bozell's socks these days. The 36 items the FCC rejected are served up on the following Internet site: (http://www.buzzmachine.com/archives/2005_01_24.html#008944) Ridiculous? You better believe it, hypersensitive, censorship bonkers Sparky. Razzie
Nominations It's that time of year again when the Razzie Awards 'honor' the previous year's silver screen stinkers. This year's Razzie Awards nominations included some nifty news nuggets that deserve a PIG attention. In no special order, the following Razzie hopefuls registered on the vaunted, pagan scribbler radar: Worst
Actor: Ben Affleck runs a distant second to Stiller with bad 'acting' nods for 2, 2004-vintage flicks: "Surviving Christmas" and "Jersey Girl". Worst
Picture: "Alexander: stayed in the fatally-flawed flick hunt with 6 Razzie nominations. Well, Duh Razzie Nominees:J. Lo got a nomination for her alleged acting in "Jersey Girl". Titney Spears got nominated for a cameo in the Maggot's "Fahrenheit 9/11". The Wayans brothers got nominated, several times - including worst actress - for their cross-dressing, silver screen stinker, "White Chicks". Obviously 2004 was a banner year for cinematic ineptitude. The Razzies are one award where all the nominees deserve public humiliation for their big screen atrocities. Kulture
News Tidbits SpongeBob
Saga
When pressed on the issue Dobson's apologists admit that, in and of itself, the so-called "pro-homosexual" video is, essentially, harmless. That said, Dobson, et al, rush in where wise men fear to tread by impugning the video because the group promoting it endorses the homosexual agenda on its web site with the "tolerance pledge". Contrary to this spin, the "tolerance pledge" that rots jackbooted, family values socks isn't mentioned, referred to, otherwise included in the video, so why are the family values dweebs blithering about it? This egegriously maligned video's stated purpose is "to promote tolerance and diversity to America’s children", but only someone of Dobson's ilk can spin that into a frontal assault on Amerika's children by drenched in sin homos. The evil incarnate "tolerance pledge" is equally benign. Written by the Southern Poverty Center's National Campaign for Tolerance, the pledge's only reference to the differently-sexual occurs in the following passage:
At worst, this tolerance spewing video is silly. Dobson should step back, take a deep breath and chill out. His paranoid delusions about a dastardly plot to lure Amerikan children in to rampant, homosexual licentiousness via this can't we all get along video gives Dobson's lefty enemies a perfect excuse to vilify him. For the public pounding you're about to endure, you have only yourself to blame, dude. File this epic under 'self-inflicted'. Just
Shoot Me Inaugural
Irony Truth
in Advertising As rational as this suggestion is, it does have one fatal flaw: It's no shit none of the government's business to dictate how a businessman decides to advertise or publish relevant information about his adventure in capitalism. File this epic under "a well-meaning, I feel your pain, Nanny State brain-fart". Fox
Television Gives Mecca Maniacs a Boo-Boo CAIR's (Council on American-Islamic Relations) terrorist-coddling panties are in a wad - yes, again - because Fox Television's series "24" centers on a Mecca Maniac family that doubles as a terrorist sleeper cell, in their spare time. When CAIR's perpetual whiners pinned an "Enemy of Islam" label on them, Fox Television's executives caved in like the spineless asshats they are. Among other things, Fox executives are perpetrating the following farces:
Just once, it would be nice if somebody held the CAIR's feet to the fire for their terrorist coddling. If you need proof about CAIR's real agenda, their dirty little secret is exposed, routinely, in numerous, online publications. For example, 'Front Page Magazine' excoriates CAIR regularly, so that's a good place to start looking. Brickbats are conferred on Fox Television for wimping out to an organization whose leadership schemes to replace the U.S. Constitution with Islamic law. We are, in this instance, unamused in the extreme. Afterthought
If you want the real story on CAIR, the information is easily available on the Internet. Maggot
Dissed All four times his name came up, Michael 'The Maggot' Moore got dissed by his old high school - Davison High School - when the school's hall of fame selection committee shot him down. His name cropped up again for the upcoming 2005 selection, but this quote from Hall of Fame selection committee member, Don Hammond, doesn't sound like a ringing endorsement:
Fear not, Maggot fans - and we both know who you are, you sick bastards - help is on the way. A Maggot-loving, Davison (Michigan) pea brain named Ryan Eashoo is hoping for a Maggot friendly result this year. To put the Maggot over the top, he hopes to collect at least 2,000 signed - by Maggot fans - Maggot nominations by February 11, when the Hall of Fame committee meets. So far, Ryan has 300 signed Maggot missives. Will the fifth time put the Maggot over the top? Stay tuned. A
Former CBS Insider Excoriates His Old Network Former
CBS News president, Van Gordon Sauter, didn't
pull his punches when he discussed Rathergate
in this Hell-A fishwrap. Here are some choice
tidbits from his commentary:
Given the pressure exerted by the diverse news sources - all the fishwraps, internet sites and cable news outlets - CBS is faced with a tough choice. They can stay the course they're on, and preach to a much smaller, but increasingly rabid, lefty choir, or try to restore some semblance of journalistic objectivity. Mr. Sauter leans, tentatively, toward the latter, but I wouldn't bet the farm on anything that rational from Danski and his cohorts. Mike
Jackson Trial Coverage A cable channel - E! - plans nightly coverage for the upcoming Mikey Jackson trial, but it's not your mommy's, talking head, trial coverage. This time out, this cable outlet plans something special:
Ratings gold? You better believe it, Mikey's a noseless, bleached skin, pervert Sparky. Crazy
Cabbie Update Howard Stern Show regular, Crazy Cabbie, is, officially, a wanted man, after he ditched a court appearance for his tax evasion case. Based on his antics, 'Crazy' is more than a boom box moniker:
Cabbie seems to be the only one who doesn't know that an insanity plea won't cut any ice with the tax man. Family
Values Tolerance In Action "Desperate Housewives" star, Nicolette Sheridan, got more than she wanted, or needed, when she strayed onto Family Values mutant radar screens with her infamous Monday Night Football, locker room ad. Believe it or not, certain pious peabrains are still fuming:
Nothing assaults the senses like the putrid stench of goose-stepping, family values tolerance. Apparently, family values boob tubes lack power switches and channel selectors. Learn something new every day. Kulture
News Nuggets Brad
and Jen Da
Vinci Code
Mike's views are mirrored by a clown dubbed "dermatologist to the stars", Vail Reese:
Both whiners need to take several chill pills and get over it, because, it's fiction, shit for brains! The audience - even one that's 100% government cess-schooled - knows the difference between cinematic fiction and reality. Furthermore, the person who created this albino villain is "Da Vinci Code" author, Dan Brown. If these mental midgets have a complaint, they need to discuss it with him. Ron Howard and Imagine are simply staying true to the book. Who knew that pigmentally-challenged Amerikans formed their own whiner cabal? Learn something new every day. Just
Shoot Me Attention Amber: The trial is over. Scott is on death row. Your 15 minutes are up. Enough already. Compute
Karma? Microsoft's karmic debt became due and payable during the recent International Consumer Electronics Show when Billy Gate's ubiquitous operating system crashed twice, during public presentations.
What goes around, comes around? You better damn believe it, blue screen of death Sparky. Pop
Diva News Nuggets Self-Inflicted
Wound?
The solution is simple, Beyonce. Put your goddamn clothes back on darlin. If you can manage that, people might pay more attention to your warbling and less attention to your fat-ass. Orange
Bowl Fun Fact Stick a fork in it, darlin, because your career is...done. Station
Owner Dumps Stern Show Unfazed
by Howard Stern's usual, raunchy material,
Citadel Communications Corporation chairman
of the board and CEO, Farid Suleman, dumped
Stern's show like a hot potato, when Howard
discussed - at great length - his circa 2006
move to Sirus Satellite Radio. Bathroom humor?
No problem. Strippers, centerfolds and starlets
discussing their sex lives in thrilling detail?
No problem. Mention satellite radio - an over
the public airwaves broadcaster's worst nightmare
- and you're outta here, Sparky. Bold new
concept. Titney's
Career Move? It might be Titney's attempt at humor, but rumor has it that Titney Spears wants to exercise her career options by studying to become a forensic scientist. I am not making this up! Before you laugh yourself hoarse, consider the up side to this Titney Spears CSI scam. A CSI troll Titney won't assault our eyes, or our ears, with her alleged singing. That works just fine for this pagan scribbler. Another
Boob Tube Profanity Epic During the live, East Coast, broadcast of Jay Leno's New Year's eve, 'Tonight Show' broadcast, Motley Crew rock star, Vince Neil, launched the infamous "F-bomb" over a live microphone. Although NBC didn't log any angry phone calls, and the network edited out the infamous word for its Left Coast broadcast, you gotta know that Brent Bozell and his goose-stepping censors are in "Dear FCC" mode, again. Will Vince Neil's "F-bomb" destroy Amerika's egregiously fragile family values? Nope. Will the FCC's Thought Police nail NBC with a 7-digit fine to placate Brent and his noisy nitwit horde? You better believe it, censorship bonkers Sparky. |
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