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JANUARY
2004
Reviving
'The Last Samurai' In London
Source: Ananova Tom Snooze's latest critically acclaimed cure for insomnia - 'The Last Samurai' - landed with a resounding thud, stateside, so leading man Snooze is pulling out all the stops for the film's Brit debut.
Is Tommy boy desperate? You better believe it, flop master Sparky. Mikey's
New Keepers The noseless masked, bleach-skinned has-been didn't thrill his fans spitless when he shed his 'I see nothing' staff for Nation of Islam keepers. Louis Farrakhan and his melanin-enriched Mecca Maniacs don't amuse me either, but I don't see Mikey wandering off to forage in some little boy's undies while the Nation of Islam is on the job. From Mikey's vantage point - looking up at whale poop through a Hubble-class telescope - the only direction his life can go is up. If Farrakhan can keep Mikey from sexually abusing another little boy, that works just fine for this pagan scribbler. File this under 'no harm, no foul' in your Mikey archives. Mikey
And His New Handlers Mikey's new inner circle plans to stage a media event at the Beverly Hills Hotel in Mexifornia, "to dispel the notion that the Nation of Islam is in control of Michael..." (Fox News). Whoever runs Mikey these days decided to put distance between Mikey and his pedophile's paradise - The Neverland Ranch - by moving Mikey into a rented Beverly Hills mansion. That sounds like Nation of Islam control to this pagan. Mikey's new digs might - or might not - prove that he's under Farrakhan's control, but the following factoid makes this 'under new management' concept obvious:
Apparently, Mikey's new keepers don't realize that Mister No Nose has been reality phobic for decades. Titney
Does Vegas After indulging in adult beverage for several days, talent-challenged pop tart, Titney Spears bagged a marriage license and a hubby when, at 5am, she and a 'childhood friend' showed up a 24-hour service Vegas marriage chapel to tie the knot. If you indulge fantasies about connubial bliss 'til death do us part', guess again.
Booze is the obvious answer to the question: Why did she marry him? Sounds right, but it's also true that the resulting publicity over this martial train wreck might revive Titney's rapidly tanking career in music. On that other question - Why did she annul the marriage so quickly? - the answer offered sounds equally obvious: one of Titney's posse sobered the wench up sufficiently then explained a fun-filled martial concept to her: community property. Giving her artificially enhanced bod to the dude...no problem. Giving him half her worldly goods...hit the road, Jack. So be it. Mother
Knows Best When Titney's mommy heard about baby girl's marriage, she went postal, but not for the obvious reasons. Visions of Titney's new hubby bagging large chunks of Titney's boodle compelled mommy to demand that her new son-in-law 'do the right thing'.
We aren't certain why Titney married the dude, but we know for a fact why she pulled the plug on him. It's the money, honey.
Doing The Atkins Two-Step The Atkins diet - unquestionably number one in the diet game - is taking hits, but that goes with the territory when you're sitting atop the heap. Hit number one came in a story from the UK where doctors are noting a curious increase in gout cases. Among other things, gout is traced to the person's diet in general and his protein intake in particular. Since Atkins is all about increased protein intake, it's cited by the Brit doctors as a contributing factor. The second wound to Atkins is, believe it or not, self inflicted, since it comes from certain Atkins spokes-dolts. It undermines a key selling point that makes it so popular: eat as much fat and red meat as you want, because it's Atkins cool. Faced with mounting reports that Atkins true believers might be damaging themselves, long term, with all this fat/red meat intake, an Atkins spokesdolt changed the rules. The glorious 'eat all the fat and red meat you want' days are gone, replaced by an admonition to restrict your fat intake to 20% and trim your red meat intake accordingly. In other words you can still eat all the fat you want, as long as you don't want more than 20% of your caloric intake to be fat.
Film At Eleven! Just hear some boom box news about an escaped critter at the Hell-A zoo. First they called it 'a monkey' then they modified that and called it an orangutan. Setting aside the fun fact that there's considerable difference between a 'monkey' and an orangutan, we come to this stop the presses News Nazi pronouncement. The news dolt said - I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP - zoo officials are evacuating the zoo and they are "searching the departing visitors to make sure than the orangutan isn't among them". No shit, that's what the dude said. If the Hell-A zoo hires alleged humans who can't tell the difference between a human and an orangutan, they've got much more serious problems than a freedom-seeking critter. In case the zoo officials need help, I'll share this tidbit: Orangutans are large, covered in fur and orange. Organizing
Reality There may be hope on the reality program front after all and it's coming from an unlikely source. Certain entertainment trade unions plot to 'organize' reality shows - writers and editors were mentioned, among others - an endeavor that should drive a stake through the heart of this pernicious programming pestilence. If successful, the unions will drive up costs so much that making reality programs is no longer a bargain. Once they stop being cost effective, such programs will become obsolete in a heartbeat. Reality-insulated, the unions will press on, even if it kills the goose that lays the golden egg. I can live with that. Afterthoughts
FEBRUARY 2004
Stray Pagan Notions MARCH 2004
Is Anybody Out There? Source: News Max [3/31] According to a terminally gleeful News Max scribbler, the new lefty blight on your boom box dial didn't have its phones ringing off the hook today. Hmm...Imagine that. I guess all those donkey clan seminar callers were too busy trying to annoy Rush and Hannity to waste their time in the talk radio minor leagues. It's called paying your dues, lefty talk radio asshats. Pop Tart News Source: San Francisco Chronicle [3/31] Item 1 J. Lo is bent on changing her familiar profile. I know what you're thinking but you're wrong. This has nothing to do with shedding excess tonnage from her hippo-size butt. Instead, she's determined to shed her 'demanding diva on steroids' image. To that end, she's selling her tinsel town digs and getting back to her, uh, roots. Will she succeed? No way in hell, diva breath. Item 2 Titney to Miami night club: pay me $2000 and I'll lower my standards to drink my pop tart bitch ass under your table while my posse keeps me company. Club to Titney: Bite Me, pop tart bitch. The Vast Left-Wing Conspiracy Source: Stealth Wisdom News Wire [3/30] The lefties are feeling the heat generated by Fox News plus all those vast right-wingnut boom box talk shows and they're far from thrilled. In the initial phase of a two-pronged assault, deep pocketed lefties are staking a claim to the boom box dial. Determined to establish a new boob tube beachhead, other deep-pocketed lefties, fronted by Al Gore, finally, closed a deal to buy a small cable news outfit - News World International - from surrender monkey capitalists at Vivendi Universal. Take that, you dastardly right-wingnut conspirators. Gore's boob tube adventure won't be ready for prime time, for a few months, but when it debuts, he swears it won't be all lefty all the time. Its alleged purpose, according to a hardcore leftist Big Apple fishwrap called the New York Observer, will involve making it 'a youth-oriented public-affairs channel, a jump-cut news network for the iPod set'. The vast right wingnuts get one damn news network - Fox News - to offset all the leftist crap spewing from NBC, CBS, ABC, PBS, CNN, MSNBC and Gore thinks it's the end of the damn world! Get a grip, Al...Your chosen audience gets all the Marxist programming they can handle in the government cess-school system. The other prong in this left media counterpunch hits the air today in Chicago, Los Angeles, three stations in the Hell-A basin, New York and Portland, Oregon. If your taste runs to relentless lefty whining, you'll find Al Franken and Janeane Garofalo polluting your radio dial. The sales pitch for this lefty lunacy insists that, since they're armed to the teeth with comedy writers, their lefty screeching will be served up in humorous form. Yeah, right, you told us the same thing about lefty icon Michael 'bloated bellowing blowhard' Moore. If, when, either of these lefty media adventures does something newsworthy PIG News will bring you all the thrilling details. Until then, the less said, the better. A Mikey Personal Appearance Source: Washington Times [3/25] Mikey Jackson will discuss grown up issues - a curious change of pace - next week, when he meets with the Congressional Black Caucus. I'm guessing that his views on the chosen topic - foreign affairs - probably won't include any true confessions of his international boy- bedding exploits. Go figure. Taking advice from a twisted wingnut like Mikey? Can this melanin-enriched legicrat cabal sink any lower? Probably, but it will take a supreme effort. Adventures in Celebrity Source: Fox News [3/25] Fame is a bad-tempered bitch and so, it seems, is Richard 'diet pansy' Simmons. Little Dickie went bonkers in the Phoenix airport when a dude said, "Hey, everybody. It's Richard Simmons. Let's drop our bags and rock to the 50's." (Fox). Unamused, big time, Little Dickie swished over and slapped the mouthy clown. Equally unamused officials slapped Little Dickie with a misdemeanor. Big fun. If anyone is shocked that the slapee is making shyster assault noises over Little Dickie's antics, this pagan offers them the following advice: Grow the hell up, shit for brains. The Chicago Shock Jock Adventure Source: Chicago Sun-Times [3/23] Chicago's premier shock jock - Mancow Muller - has a problem. It's a complaining, letter-writing asshat problem named David Edward Smith. Smith is so obsessed with Muller that his sole purpose in life is getting Muller fired. It's an obsession that makes Smith the FCC Thought Police's number one Chicago-based complainer. Up to here with Smith's antics -and who can blame him - Muller decided to Emerilize the 5 year old Smith- Muller war, big damn time: '...The nationally syndicated WKQX-FM
(101.1) morning personality is expected to file
a $3 million lawsuit in Cook County Circuit Court
today against David Edward Smith, the Chicago
man whose Citizens for Community Values has lodged
66 complaints about "Mancow's Morning Madhouse"
with the Federal Communications Commission...'
(Sun-Times)
A boom box host sues a listener? A boom box host who wants one less listener? Color this pagan amused, in the extreme. W Spins The News Source: The Scotsman (UK) (3/16) Eager to sell his newly enacted Medicrap brain-fart, W and his minions at the federal Department of Health and Human Services created ' "ready made" television news packages in which actors were paid to pose as journalists,' (Scotsman). News outlets getting this spin doctored bovine excrement didn't know that the pre-packaged reports weren't what passes for real in media-ville. Now that this thrilling stunt is exposed, the scammed news Nazis are annoyed in the extreme. Apparently, media dweebs prefer to do their own spinning, a notion shared by certain easily 'outraged' hacks. GAO [Government Accounting Office] trolls are investigating this W stunt, trying to sniff out federally-funded propaganda. It's a bureaucratic obligation, I guess, but it strikes me as a waste of time. Live or Memorex, spin or propaganda...It all seems irrelevant to this pagan. The real story - the utter disaster W perpetrated with this bloated Medicrap - still isn't covered. Why doesn't someone investigate the on-going 'Medicrap sucks' news blackout? Enquiring minds damn sure want to know why nobody is covering that. Sports Trivia Source: Stealth Wisdom Shallow Thought [3/19] It's March madness time, making this stealthy wisdom very timely. For those unfamiliar with such things, here is an essential roundball rule of thumb: If you're channel surfing and land
on a basketball game that features two or more
melanin-deficient players on the court at a given
time, it's gotta be a college game.
APRIL 2004
Mikey Cleans House
Source: Stealth Wisdom News Wire [4/25] Breathless news numbskulls report that Mikey Jackson is cleaning house...again. Tired of fighting his primary shyster for 'face time' on camera, Mikey dumped full-time media whore - and part-time shyster - Mark Geragos. In the 'zone', shyster-wise, Mikey gave another shyster, Benjamin Brafman, his walking papers, just for the fun of it. Far from finished, Mikey dumped his Nation of Islam keepers like a bad habit. That easily, Mikey shed the troublesome shackles that kept him from doing what comes...unnaturally. Is it 'let's cuddle little boy' time - again - in Mikey's alternative reality? Enquiring minds want to know. Mikey's Shaky Finances Source: Daily News [4/24] No-nose Mikey's legal problems are adversely impacting his financial house of cards. I know what you're thinking and you're right, sort of...On paper, he appears flush with a whopping $350 million in personal worth - according to a Forbes estimate. This enriching assessment doesn't factor in Mikey's lavish lifestyle, his free spending ways and a staggering $200 million in debts. Another misleading factor involves the fun fact that his personal wealth is tied up in static assets like his half ownership of the Beatles - $700 million dollar - song catalog, his boy-luring playpen, Neverland Ranch, and assorted other goodies. According to balance sheet professionals, what Mikey needs is a cash infusion, not this costly, legal minefield. The looming court battle hits Mikey's cash-starved wallet in two ways. First, shysters will rack up a hefty $5 - $10 million defending Neverland's notorious noseless nutcase. Furthermore, with his passport in judicial hock, he can't refill his cash coffers with an enriching world concert tour. Poor Mikey! Since it's too good to last, we should enjoy Mikey's legal...financial...torment while we can. As much as I'd enjoy a broke, shattered Mikey playing Buford's bitch in a Mexifornia gray bar hotel, it still seems highly unlikely, because, the Mikey's of this world never pay the piper. If what we see, today, is all we'll get, I suggest that we enjoy the hell out of Mikey's angst all the way to the bitter, O.J. jury end. Mel's Small Screen Angst Source: Stealth Wisdom News Wire [4/21] Smug news dweebs breathlessly report that Mel Gibson's cinematic juggernaut careened off the rails when he tried to sell his cross cult flick to boob tube purveyors. ABC said 'no' officially, while CBS, NBC, Fox and various cable outlets - HBO, Showtime - are giving the sales pitch an icy reception, without issuing a firm, non-negotiable thumbs down. Is this a dastardly lefty plot against Mel and his supernaturalism? Nobody, from any boob tube purveyor, wants to give a reason for their decision, an understandable response with the Decency Gestapo in seek and destroy mode. Whatever the reason, the sniveler [Michael Medved] will throw a fit over this blatant assault on supernaturalism by media lefties. I hope my laughter doesn't disturb my holy roller neighbors. Election Cycle Journalism 101 Source: Houston Chronicle (AP) [4/18] The usual journalistic suspects are already serving up traditional election cycle prose and the presidential election is still 7 months away. This Chronicle prose, a tear-stained, three-hankie epic bemoaning low voter turnout, is a perfect example. Alarmed that a mere 56% of eligible voters turned out (average voter turnout over the last 8 election cycles), AP scribbler Jerry Schwartz offers up enough excuses to cover all contingencies. All the excuses seem to whine that twenty-first century Amerikan culture is the primary villain, but Schwartz insists that voters are further victimized by an electoral process that is long on style and short on substance. Although a worthwhile read, this fishwrap prose never really addresses one essential point: the failure of Amerika's two-party system to give eligible voters a meaningful choice. No matter which way you vote, government - at all levels - keeps growing while it gobbles up more and more of your inalienable individual liberty. At best, a voter gets to choose which liberties he, she or it wants to lose. At worse, redistricting has pre-determined electoral results for all state and national legislative seats. Did Schwartz address this in his article? Not really, but that, too, is SOP for election cycle fishwrap prose. Since it's still early in the election cycle, brace yourself for more low voter turnout hand-wringing by Amerikan news dweebs. Life is one thrill after another...ain't it just grand? Lefty Boom Box Angst Source: Stealth Wisdom News Wire [4/20] Air America continues to careen off the rails in their quest for talk radio respectability. The fledgling network is back on the air in Chicago, temporarily, but their settlement with windy city station WNTD-950AM's station owner puts them off the station, permanently, on April 30, 2004. That's when they'll join Hell-A lefties - unlike Chicago, their banishment wasn't lifted by the settlement - in their dead boom box air purgatory. This has to be W's doing, some-damn-how, but don't take my word for it. Go forth...ask your neighborhood's resident lefty and he'll explain it to you. Broadcaster Blubbering Source: Reuters [4/16] Broadcasters ran home to 'daddy', because satellite radio companies gave them a boo-boo in that rough and tumble economic arena, the marketplace. Afraid to compete against these pay for play boom box fare purveyors, the National Association of Broadcasters - including 8,000 pound government airwaves gorilla, Clear Channel - is in a tizzy because XM Satellite Radio and Sirius Satellite Radio are targeting the local boom box audience. '...The broadcasters' group
demanded that the Federal Communications Commission,
which licenses satellite services, explicitly
ban their rivals from using any technology to
offer content in one area that is different
from another location.
The NAB also asked that the
FCC bar XM Satellite Radio Holdings Inc. and
Sirius Satellite Radio Inc. from offering local
services on nationally distributed channels...'
(Reuters)
The fly in the government airwave ointment involves cutting edge GPS-based technology that allows satellite radio purveyors to identify the listener's location via GPS then provide that listener with pertinent traffic and weather information for each listener's location. It's called competition, NAB punks and it always benefits the consumer with better products at a lower price. Don't make me come over there. 'Dead' Air America Source: Chicago Tribune, World Net Daily [4/14] Air America is off the air in Chicago and Hell-A, today, because - I am not making this up - Air America's check bounced. The Chicago Tribune reports that the stations' owner, Arthur Liu, 'is holding $1 million in checks that Air America asked [Liu's company Multicultural Radio Broadcasting] not to cash'. Hmm. The pockets funding this lefty hot air aren't as deep as Air America dolts claimed. '..."They bounced a check
today. It's a default. They have paid only a
very small portion of what they owe us.
They've been saying, 'We're going to get you
the money' for the past two months," Liu said,
referring to a security deposit that he said
Air America was supposed to have prepaid in
advance of its launch...' (Tribune)
The cool million in uncashed checks, might just be the tip of a red ink iceberg, but Liu won't disclose just how much more Air America owes him. It must be big bucks, because, according to this windy city fishwrap, a Liu minion evicted the lone Air America staffer from Chicago affiliate WNTD-950AM, switched on a Spanish lingo feed, then changed all the locks on the boom box station. That sounds like major, red ink bucks to this pagan. Needless to say, Liu's 'you're so outta here' action thrilled Air America's chairman, Evan Cohen, spitless. "MultiCultural Radio Broadcasting's
conduct in this matter has been disgraceful,"
he said. "To shut off a broadcast that listeners
rely on without warning and in the middle of
discussions is the height of irresponsibility
and a slap in the face of the media industry..."
(Evan Cohen as quoted by World Net Daily)
Evan, dude, wake up and smell the 'no tickee, no washee' coffee. Try not paying your phone bill or your electric bill and you'll get up close and personal with bounce check- induced broadcastus interruptus. A Lefty Disses Air America Source: The Daily Vanguard (Portland State University fishwrap) [04/13] Columnist Dylan Tanner doesn't pull any punches when it comes to expressing his profound disappointment with Air America: '...Franken's show, the sardonically
named "O'Franken Factor" is the perfect example
why [Air America "sucks so badly"]. The only
difference between his show and nemesis Bill
O'Reilly's "O'Reilly Factor" is the politics.
The hateful, aggressive, tone, the pointless
and seemingly endless rants and the flat-on-its-face
attempts at humor are all the same...'
'...It's not just Franken,
either. Garofalo's show is painfully unfunny
and, as revealed by her attacks on Nader, far
from professional. "Morning Sedition," Air America's
take on NPR's long-established morning news
program, feels more like the Howard Stern show
than a reliable news source...'
'...The attractive thing
about the left has been its ability to poke
fun without having an agenda, but Air America
comes across as aggressively pushing a liberal
schema, an attitude that's going to alienate
any moderate listener who's opinion it might
hope to sway...' (The
Vanguard)
If you want to read the entire commentary, do a Google search for Portland State and Vanguard, then follow the breadcrumbs to this stellar column. Air Amerika In The Crosshairs Source: Fox News [4/7] The long awaited lefty boom box network - Air America - is under attack from an unlikely source. Properly-hyphenated malcontents whine that Air America is swallowing ‘stations serving different ethnic groups’ (Fox). The new, all-lefty network’s Big Apple flagship station - the appropriately named WLIB - is a prime example. Before it sought fame and fortune churning out DNC claptrap, WLIB eked out a meager existence serving melanin-enriched listeners with ‘information, talk and Afro-Caribbean music’ (Fox). At least one chronically-oppressed ethnocrat group isn’t thrilled spitless by WLIB’s new format: ‘..."We think that
if they're going to then take advantage of the
weakness of those ethnic stations ... then they
ought to do so with a great deal more sensitivity
to the communities that had been served by those
stations before the advent of Air America,"
said Bob Law, chairman of Coalition of Actors
and Activists...’ (Fox)
For those readers unschooled in victim-speak, “sensitivity” means Air America isn’t properly-diverse...In other words, it’s too damn white. Franken and his lefty cohorts at Air America aided and abetted this perpetual victimhood hell, so I’m content to let them get extra crispy in it. Welcome to the ethnocrat whiner’s bull’s-eye, Al. You damn sure deserve this...honor. Mikey Goes To Washington Source: Left Coast Report [4/6] Mikey’s visit with the Congressional Black Caucus spawned at least one newsworthy consequence: ‘...In the past, Democrats
have generally been happy to appear with Jacko.
A few years ago the star performed at a fund-raiser
with Bill Clinton. This time around, though,
a number of Dems were seemingly unavailable.
One official who did stand at Jacko's side was
U.S. Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee...’
(Left Coast
Report)
MAY 2004
Amerikan Musings
Source: Stealth Wisdom Random Thoughts [5/29] You don't need to look very far or search that hard to find some troubling anomalies in 2004 Amerika. Exhibit A: William 'Tone Deaf' Hung
Exhibit B: Michael 'The Maggot' Moore
Exhibit C: John 'War Hero' Kerry
Targeting a Bloated Marxist Maggot Reagan books is posed to release a tome slamming bloated Marxist maggot, Michael Moore. Those of you poised to perpetrate an advanced order from Amazon - and we both know who you are - will probably want to know that the tome's title is: 'Michael Moore Is a Big Fat Stupid White Man'. As titles go this one is 'well, duh', big time.
Exposing Moore's blatant lies is an endlessly fun - but essentially pointless - exercise. Moore's fans know that he's a bullshit artist and they don't give a flaming damn. Moore's enemies know he's a bullshit artist, too, so what is accomplished by underscoring his more egregious outbursts? This new book - like Elder's Moore thrashing documentary - is well intentioned, but still a waste of time. Cretins like this fatass maggot thrive on attention, any attention...all attention, so criticizing him just further inflates his Jupiter-size ego. The best revenge for those rational adults who see this blithering maggot for what he is involves ignoring this bellowing non-entity. Dodgeball Makes a Comeback This Florida boob tube outlet reports that the oft maligned kid game - dodgeball - is number one with a bullet among certain consenting adults.
Dodgeball will appear at your local cinema when "Dodgeball A True Underdog Story" debuts this summer. Need a rational explanation? Join the club, because your favorite pagan scribbler hasn't got a clue. As usual, when I know, you'll know. Afterthought Anyone counting the days until this dodgeball flick is unleashed should consider this sobering fact: it stars Ben Stiller. Ugh, and you can quote me. Rocky Makes Another Comeback? When Sly Stallone decided to get his career off life support, he plotted to give it new life by revisiting his Rocky franchise for a sixth and seventh time. In addition to perpetrating an all too predictable 'Rocky VI' flick, Sly plots to compound his creative felony with - I am not making this up - 'Rocky, the Broadway Musical'. In case you wondered, that primal scream you just heard was mine. At first, MGM - owner of the Rocky franchise - saluted when Sly ran 'Rocky VI' up the movie studio's flagpole, but, too soon, negotiations bogged down, sending a disgruntled Sly shyster shopping.
After the studio dissed Sly on 'Rocky VI' and a Broadway production company deep-sixed his Rocky musical, Sly plunged into the wonderful boob tube world called reality television. He decided to produce - star in - a boxing themed reality show called "The Contender". When MGM got slapped with Sly's lawsuit, the studio hit back with their own boxing themed boob tube reality show: "The Real Rocky". Big fun, and it promises to get much, much better. Air America's Reality Check? Air America is exhibiting early signs that reality is intruding, albeit very slowly, on the lefty boom box empire. The first hint that a reality check is underway comes from the closure of Air America's Hell-A and Chicago sales offices. Another reality check warning sign - a more meaningful one - involves abandoning their "all or nothing" sales pitch. The third reality check symptom involves Air America putting seasoned boom box professionals in 'decision-making roles'. I'm guessing the newly promoted boom box pros first task entailed explaining the facts of boom box life to these capitalism hating lefties. The pros know that few stations are in a position to buy 20 hours - daily - worth of boom box fare from a single provider. But, sold piecemeal, some Air America shows should reach a much wider audience. That's how Rush, Hannity, Medved, Savage and Ingraham did it. Can Air America be saved from dead air oblivion? I don't know, nor do I really care. But, since sharing their growing pains is a pagan scribbler obligation, should anything fun happen, I'll pass it along, as usual. Air America Status Report Air America - the bold new all lefty boom box network - found a can't fail way to keep their name in the news. Understandably worried about their headlong descent into well-deserved obscurity, the network is playing pink slip roulette with Air America's top executives.
Anyone interested in playing 'boom box executive for a day' should call Al Franken's boom box show. I guarantee that it's one phone number that's never busy. Franken Follies Air America's go-to dolt - Al Franken - is already looking for a new gig. That's not what this pagan deems a ringing endorsement for the lefty boom box network's longevity. Entertaining media-enhanced grandiose delusions about his political prowess, Franken is making noises about running for the U.S. Senate, when Norm Coleman (R-Minn) comes up for re-election in 2008. I'd tell Al not to quit his day job, but this radio gig will quit him, long before 2008. JUNE 2004
Korrected News
Source: Fox News [06/29] After a violent confrontation that left a man dead from gunshot wounds, Big Apple police relied on news coverage to help them track down the two primary suspects. The resulting press coverage tells us more than we wanted to know about Korrectness in Amerika.
Admittedly, race is irrelevant in many instances, but that doesn't include describing armed and dangerous murder suspects who are still at large. If AP doesn't get this, it's time for them to close up shop, permanently. Unlike AP's scribblers, real journalists should serve up all the facts and allow the reader to determine which elements are meaningful. Given their refusal to preform this basic journalistic function, AP joins the New York Times, L.A. Times, CNN, ABC, CBS, NBC, et al, as an unreliable news source. Diva Demands
The event's sponsors dropped the J. Lo notion like a bad habit, thanks to these diva demands. Jenny from the block don't live here anymore. Her fifteen minutes were over, a long time ago.
With medical malpractice judgements skyrocketing, those doctors who choose to stay in the profession have their backs against the wall. Why is anybody shocked that they're finally striking back against their shyster tormentors. Another Hell-A Times Page One Whopper
Since the donkey clan's statistical advantage - in card carrying cohorts - is single digits, this is more than 'a slight exaggeration'. This blatant front page spin helps explain why the Hell-A fishwrap's advertising revenue is so far in the red that they're shedding employees, big damn time.
The RIAA still doesn't 'get it', but that doesn't stop them from trying to stop technologically savy music afficionados from bagging their favorite songs for free. The RIAA would love to outlaw all digital radio recording, but that might kill the golden goose that so efficiently showcases what passes for music in 2004. Instead, these recording industry dolts propose limiting the technology to recording an entire broadcast, while preventing the listener from dividing that broadcast up into individual songs. Bold new concept. Perhaps if the RIAA stopped pinning those exorbitant prices on no shit pathetic alleged music...Perhaps if they put out real music...music that entertained equally well without the booty shaking visuals...consumers would willingly pay for their favorite songs. This pagan's music quality rule states that good music is a song that entertains equally well, when you listen with your eyes closed. It's time for the RIAA to wake up and smell the 'I ain't paying those prices for a one good song per album' coffee. The
Old Ka-Boom Diet Craze JULY 2004
'Art'
Imitates Life Next season, the Simpsons will continue to tilt the Amerikan cultural windmill with more cutting edge mirth. According to Matt Groening, the show's creator, the fun begins when Springfield legalizes gay marriage. Always on the cutting edge, culturally, Homer becomes a no shit padre via an Internet firm, after which he makes life thrilling for Amerika's Morality Nazi horde by performing a gay marriage for one of the show's regular characters. Since the unnamed character is 'in the closet', it could be anybody. The character names being bandied about by the show's fans include - in no special order - Moe the bartender, Principle Skinner, Lenny, Carl, Comic Book Guy, Ned Flanders, Reverend Lovejoy and Marge's sisters. We won't know the answer until the show airs. Place your bets and may the best GLAAD BAAG win. International
Entertainment News Banned
In Malaysia Reality
Programming Testing The
limits
I know what you're thinking and I don't know the answer. This Brit fishwrap is tragically shoddy when it comes to serving up details about the actual urping. Will the wench breed with both finalists? Will horndog viewers be allowed to view these horizontally squishy reproductive interludes? It's Enquiring minds time again in the pagan bunker and I damn sure need some answers, stat. First Cousin To A Surrender MonkeySource: Tongue Tied [07/20] Talking heads in the Phillippines have their panties in a mega wad, because Jay Leno nailed them - big damn time - with the following joke:
Will Tagalog give way to French as the official Surrender Monkey - East official language? Stay tuned. Ronstadt RhetoricSource: San Francisco Chronicle [07/19] You can add the name "Linda Ronstadt" to your lefty liberal lip-flappers list, thanks to her Maggot-praising antics at a recent gig in Las Vegas. It happened when she dedicated her encore song "Desperado" to the Maggot, calling him a "great American patriot" and "someone who is spreading the truth". In case she didn't piss off all the red state denizens in the audience, she told the audience to see the Maggot's flick. Needless to say, the reaction was immediate and very damn noisy:
Ronstadt, aided and abetted by the usual lefty suspects, decry her untimely eviction from the Aladdin as an affront to free speech. As usual, these lefty whiners don't get the big picture on free speech. Ronstadt exercised her free speech when she spewed Maggot lauding drivel, but, not even the first amendment mandates that she's allowed to say what she wants without suffering the consequences. The audience exercised their free speech by booing her. The Aladdin exercised its property rights by showing her the door. As an Aladdin employee, Ronstadt's free speech is subject to her employer's approval. Since her employer, Mr. Timmins, deemed her comments outside the job Ronstadt was hired to perform, he had every right to evict her from his property. His property rights override her free speech protections. Don't hold your breath waiting for Ronstadt and her lefty cohorts to accept these free speech fun facts. More Ronstadt BlitheringSource: World Net Daily [07/20] Linda Ronstadt is - if we can believe what she tells us - very choosy about who gets to listen to her warbling. WND cites the following quote from a recent San Diego Union-Tribune interview:
Am I the only one who didn't realize that Ms. Ronstadt is such a runaway musical success that she is free to pick and choose who gets to pay to hear her sing? Learn something new everyday. Triple-X RealityIf there's a decency dolt ultimate nightmare, its "Private Stars", a new Brit Big Brother-type reality show that features 5 porn star hotties testing the horizontal ability of 5 males seeking a porn dude career. This is no shit a terminally bold new concept that resets the decency bar for boob tube fare, much, much higher.
That primal scream you just heard is FRC Fuhrer Brent Bozell III trying to find some way for his FCC Thought Gestapo shock troops to seize control of Brit airwaves. Afterthought
Tommy Boy's Career-Saving Version
Faced with two mutually-exclusive versions of the same incident, I'm required to swallow my bile and confer the crown of truth on one of these pathological liars. If forced - on penalty of french kissing Whoppie Goldberg (hyper ugh) - to choose, I'd probably side with the Maggot. Excuse me, while I go shoot myself. Afterthought
Quotes like this explain, to this pagan scribblers satisfaction why Tommy boy would lie about his antics at the Maggot's D.C. film extravaganza. AUGUST 2004
Hot Off The Entertainment News Wire Source: Pagan Scribbler Entertainment News Wire [08/30] Reality Emerilized: Jacko Still Wacko: Source: San Francisco Chronicle [08/25] It's safe to assume that pop tart Ashlee Simpson is as 'gifted' in the hooters department as her big sister, Jessica, but don't hold your breath waiting for this lesser Simpson to flash those cans any time soon. In her own, immortal words:
Yeah, right, darlin...Hold those sweater puppies in reserve, until your alleged music starts to sink you into well earned obscurity. When that happens, I'm betting that you'll become MTV's reigning cleavage queen. Don't wait too long though, because gravity never takes a day off. Beach Volleyball Basics Those tasked with making the Athens Olympics successful, quickly realized what every dude with a pulse knew from the get-go: the only compelling reason to watch beach volleyball is the bikinis the female participants wear. That fast, Olympic organizers decided that if some bikinis are good, more bikinis would be even better, so they deployed a dozen bikini clad hotties to prance, dance, gyrate, and bounce on the sidelines, during those annoying volleyball games. Curiously, this stellar sports notion didn't get rave reviews from everybody. Predictably, certain whiners weren't thrilled by this notion, including those players who still think a horndog watches their alleged sport for the - I am not making this up - game. "Why don't you put hunks in thongs on the sidelines, too and make them gyrate with the bikini bimbos?" seems to be their best response. I feel your pain, now shut up and get out of my face, darlin, because, you're blocking my view of the bikini babes. Stray Pagan Notions
Source: Pagan Scribbler Shallow Kultural Thought [08/13] The only thing that separates Paris Hilton from richly-deserved 'just another skinny skank' obscurity is her inheritance. The Great Name Change Caper When the usually reliable 'Playboy' nude spread didn't re-ignite her career, the shapely, but musically-challenged La Toya took her show on the road...in Europe, and elsewhere. I'm guessing that didn't do the trick either, so she's got a bold new idea to lure the unwary music afficionado into shelling out for her new album. She's - I am not making this up - changing her professional name from La Toya to "Toy". I will refrain - with considerable difficulty - from exploring the Freudian meanings lurking in, around, behind and beneath "Toy", as applies to the superbly constructed Ms. Jackson. Believe it or not, this foolishness seems to be working, because her single "Just Wanna Dance" hit number 14 on the Billboard Hot Dance Club Play chart. She's helping things along by calling various D.J.'s with some info on 'Toy', managing to shock some with the news that today's 'Toy' is yesterday's 'La Toya'. Whatever floats your boat, darlin'. More Maggot Movie TriviaSource: Reuters [08/04] Technically, according to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences rules, any movie that is shown on television or the Internet - within nine months of its initial release - is ineligible for Best Documentary Oscar consideration. When cigar-chomping Fidel showed Fahrenheit 9/11 on Cuban television, did he scupper his Marxist home boy's bid for a second Best Documentary Oscar? Probably, if the rules were strictly enforced, but in lefty to the max Hollywood, there are rules and there are 'rules'. So far, academy lefties are evaluating two likely defenses:
One way or another, the Maggot's hit piece on W is a slam dunk for at least one Oscar. So be it. Bargain Priced Pop TartSource: Pagan Scribbler Entertainment Wire [08/02] Jessica Simpson might be a hit on her VH1 reality show, but that isn't translating into sold out concert performances. According to a New York Post item, she came up way short when she tried to fill Hell A's 6000 seat Universal Amphitheater. Frantic concert performers were forced to slash prices from the original $50 to a mere $20, but when that didn't work they Emerilized the offer with a "Buy three $20 seats, get one free." Give your fans what they really want, darlin'...shut your yap and showcase your real talent in a 'Playboy' nude spread. SEPTEMBER 2004
Playing On Both Teams? Source: MSNBC [09/30] It's rarely stop-the-presses class, breaking news when an Oliver Stone flick stirs up controversy, but, how, you ask, can he create his familiar PR chaos with a flick about the legendary military genius, Alexander the Great? The answer is simple. Movie director Stone paid special attention to Alexander's horizontal proclivities. Since the legendary Macedonian played on both - sexual - teams with considerable enthusiasm, Mr. Stone devoted ample footage to Alexander's man-on-man, sexual escapades. As exciting as this might be for certain readers - and we both know who you are - it didn't thrill the suits at Warner Brothers spitless.
The big screen version may, or may not, be a box office smash, but, I guarantee that the special, warts and all, Directors Cut DVD will be a mega hot seller. Get those orders in, early, before the stampede. Maligning Moses? For reasons I can't begin to explain, an entertainment bright bulb decided what Amerikans really need is a stage atrocity staring Val Kilmer as Moses. That's right burning bush fans, some asshat turned "The 10 Commandments" into a musical. Luckily, it's not being offered in Amerika proper, yet, but it has made landfall in Hell-A's Kodak Theater. If this sounds too thrilling for words, perhaps this eyewitness account will shock you back to your senses:
If unintended humor is your idea of a good time, run, don't walk, to the Kodak Theater, before this stinker closes, permanently. Another Skank Video According to the Post's 'page six' gossip mavens, there's another Paris (Hilton) porno video making the rounds. This one shows Amerikan's ubiquitous, scrawny Skank getting horizontal and squishy with Backstreet punk Nick Carter, then Tommy Hilfiger model Jason Shaw. It's 11 minutes of 'wham, bam, thank you, ma'am' action that must be seen to be appreciated and it will be seen, if the usual Internet porn peddlers have their way. The Skank is, reportedly, very upset about this, uh, exposure, complaining that it's lifted from 12 hours of video stolen by the dastardly scum who robbed her Hollywood Hills domicile last month. Her legal team is poised to punish anyone who serves up the video, but, this poor, shocked Paris protestation doesn't pass this pagan's smell test. Given her compulsive need for attention, the Skank can't be that upset over this leg-spreading publicity. If she didn't want anyone to see this stuff, why did she tape these horizontal episodes in the first place? The Skank's 15 minutes of fame can't end too soon for this pagan. Jessica's High Tech Sweater Puppies Certain horndogs, who shall remain nameless, report that pop tart, Jessica Simpson's, sweater puppies, routinely, cycle between terminally perky and gravitationanlly-oppressed, during any given outing. For those who obsess on Jessica's sweater puppy...talent, be advised that Jessica's jugs are not under Martian control. In fact, the perkiness, or lack thereof, is caused by a high tech boobie bucket called "the Cosobella bra". Learn something new every day. If I'm interpreting my news sources correctly, Jessica can - depending on her mood of the moment - adjust the puppies perkiness index from 'busting out' to 'sorry and sagging'. Bold New Concept! Channel Surfing SpeedbumpsSource: Shallow Pagan Scribbler Kultural Thoughts [09/24] For the sake of this discussion, I'll resist the impulse to prattle about such ubiquitous cable boob tube fare as the 12 Spanish lingo channels, the four sports-a-holic channels, the four news - snooze is more accurate - channels and assorted, other, cable atrocities. Instead, I'll share a stray thought, or two, about the following cable blights: Perpetually Begging for $upport The What’s My Culture Channel Why Johnny Can’t Read The Historical Hat Channel The P.T. Barnum Triple Tribute The dude who dubbed the boob tube a vast cultural wasteland was an optimist. A Musical Of...That? When it was released in 1984, 'The Last Starfighter' featured the debut for computer graphics in a feature length movie. The movie itself is watchable, but far from memorable, so imagine my shock when I read that some alleged bright bulb plans to perpetrate a 'Last Starfighter'...off-Broadway musical. A musical? Dude, if the stuff you're smoking is that potent, pass it around. Breaking Kultural News Hollywood Recycles The Eighties If you're smelling a high budget stinker, join the club. Maybe...just maybe, if these Hollywood lefties spend less time playing politics and more time on their alleged jobs, they'd manage to come up with a new idea...for a change. Mikey Dresses To Impress Mikey, dude, you're not fooling anybody. You could wear pink polka dots and you'd still be child molesting scum. Breaking Kulture NewsSource: Pagan Scribbler Entertainment Wire [09/16] Item: J Lo Has Another Diva Moment Item: Eminem Lets It All Hang Out The following Fark teaser nails it: "If there's one thing America wanted to see, it's a naked, "disturbingly hairless" Eminem wearing a sock on his wang in his new video." [Fark Internet site 09/16] Ugh, and feel free to quote me. Going With Her Strength Cleavage-wielding alleged singer, Jessica Simpson, decided to cash in on her, uh, 'talent' before it starts to sag, so she accepted the coveted Daisy Duke role in the forthcoming 'Dukes of Hazzard' flick. Unlike her cleavage-phobic sister, Jessica is up to speed with the venerable concept that opines: if you've got 'em flaunt 'em...before gravity wreaks havoc on those perky sweater puppies. You gotta give props to a wench who knows her true talent and shares the joy with her horndog admirers. Understanding Network NewsSource: Pagan Scribbler Shallow Media Thoughts [09/12] In theory, there's a significant difference between vast right-wing conspiracy dominated talk radio and boob tube network 'news' shows like 'Dateline NBC', 'Hardball', '60 Minutes', 'Today', 'Good Morning America', et al. In practice, the difference does not exist, because, talk radio and network news shows - like the ones I cited previously - are commentary. When you watch network news shows or listen to boom box chat shows, you are - in essence - reading the editorial page of your designated fishwrap. When I call these shows "commentary", I mean that both talk radio and network 'alleged' news shows offer one side of a given burning issue, excluding all contrary viewpoints in the process. In this regard, watching Dan Blather, Chris Matthews or Katie Couric is no different than listening to Rush Limbaugh, Michael Medved or Sean Hannity. Network news shows are nothing more than blatant, partisan spin...with pictures. The one distinction between a Rush Limbaugh and a Dan Blather is that Rush is open - and above board - about his show. Unlike Dan Blather, Rush doesn't wrap himself in the tattered, moth-eaten cloak called 'objectivity'. Rush is proud to tell you that what you're hearing represents his views on the topic under discussion. Furthermore, Rush is much more entertaining than Blather. Granted, I, occasionally, laugh during Blather's blithering, but I'm laughing at - not with - him. The minute you accept the facts as I just presented them, you are prepared to accept the network news nitwits for what they are: the propaganda arm for the militant leftist scum that dominates the Donkey Clan. "Know your enemy" is still a viable concept. Arm yourself with the relevant facts and you're ready to refute the Socialist spin spewed by news nitwits like Dan Blather and his chronically-liberal cohorts. The 'old' Larry Elder said it best: "A fact to an emotional liberal is like kryptonite to Superman". Truer words, loyal readers...Truer words. Hot Off The Bunny Wire Today we unearthed two thrilling items about 'Playboy': Item: Item: Mikey Beats The Buzzer Mikey Jackson nailed a buzzer beater, when, mere hours before Friday's highly publicized "Dateline NBC" expose, he released a statement that conceded the 'he paid off another family' revelation served up by a "Dateline NBC" guest. He carefully avoided self-incrimination when he issued a six paragraph 'hail Mary' to an eager press. The Sacramento Bee dished up these excerpts:
As much as I'd enjoy seeing Mikey get what he damn sure deserves, I'm not convinced that it will ever happen. He's a very careful pervert who covers his tracks with dead presidents. On the other hand, it can't hurt to sacrifice a sequined glove to the pagan gods, in the valiant hope that this pervert will, finally, get nailed, this time around. More Mikey Payoffs NBC's 'Dateline' is set to expose another Mikey Jackson payoff. This one involves a $2,000,000 payout to the son of a Neverland Ranch employee. Retired Santa Barbara Sheriff, Jim Thomas, shares the fun facts including this show stopper: "We always believed there were eight to 10 other children out there." (AP) Stay tuned for all the relevant Mikey facts. OCTOBER 2004
Today's Kulture Quote Avril Lavigne isn't impressed by certain unnamed, booty-twitching, lip-synching alleged singers:
No doubt it's mere chance that Avril spouted off right after the lesser Simpson's (Ashlee) SNL fiasco. But, if Ashlee takes these words personally, Avril probably won't give a rip. Avril Lavigne, singer/songwriter/music critic. That works just fine for me. Remaking A Boob Tube Classic Certain roles are so identified with the actor playing them, that remaking the series with another actor is unthinkable. Would anyone believe a Perry Mason show that didn't star Raymond Burr? I doubt it. The same fate awaits a USA Network, 'Kojak' remake staring Ving Rhames. No matter how well it might be done, nobody is going to forget Telly Savalas' portrayal of this follically-challenged New York City detective. Those who eagerly anticipate this turkey must wait until the show debuts in March 2005. When it reeks, don't blame me, because, you've been warned. Two Of A Kind?Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [10/18] Skank Update Tragically Self-Deluded Chess Monkey Bobby, dude, what the hell are you smoking? The Sushi Slammers are not trying to rot your nads off with nuclear radiation, because you're not so scary damn important that they would go to all that trouble. Kulture NewsSource: Pagan Scribbler Entertainment Wire [10/13] Reviving The A-Team For The Big Screen J. Lo Gets Smacked By E Alleged Amerikan Kulture Skank Update The Skank can't act and she's not that easy on the eyes. If she won't flash her scrawning stuff - on screen, and getting paid for it, for a change - why hire the cunt? Attention Skank: Your 15 minutes are up. Roseanne Goes Off Doctor Phil
Come on, Roseanne, stop holding back. Tell us what you really think about him. Fox Lands In The Thought Nazi Doghouse
With show stopping goodies like topless lap dances, I'm shocked that this show isn't alive and kicking. Is The Cross Dude Fact or Fiction? The film's title is "The Beast" and it's slated to be released on June, 6, 2006 - 06/06/06 or "666", as in mark of the beast 666. Perpetrated by a recovering supernaturalist named Brian Fleming, this flick seems to be a "Da Vinci Code" wanna be. It's premise is based on Mr. Fleming's conviction that the Cross Dude is a figment of overworked true believer imaginations:
Based on the breathless WND reporting, all the big fun is happening on this flick's promotional site. In addition to an action-packed chat room, it features a compelling, Cross Dude dissing trailer that managed to annoy the WND scribblers big time. These WND true believers need to chill out, because, it's doubtful that this flick will achieve the enriching box office levels of WND's favorite holy roller flick: Mel Gibson's "Jesus Chainsaw Massacre". It's just another movie, WND clowns, so, if it bothers you, don't watch it. Afterthought The Death Of Originality? A not that 'bright' bulb at NBC decided to reverse the 'let's turn that sorry ass, long gone, boob tube series into a movie' trend. This time out, some programming genius at the peacock network decided to turn the 1971 Oscar winner, 'The French Connection', into a television series. When, exactly, did original, never been done before, entertainment 'shuffle off this mortal coil'? Enquiring pagan scribbler minds damn sure want to know. Cruising Into ConflictSource: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [10/08] Family values storm troopers are shocked, shocked, I tell you, that Wyonna Judd agreed to perform on a certain upcoming Carribean cruise. And what, you ask, has these holy rollers in a lather? Did they discover a new Old Ka-Boom edict that makes cruise ships sinful? Not exactly. The fun fact that thrills the Traditional Values Coalition spitless is that this particular cruise is for same-sex couples, lesbians, according to the San Francisco Chronicle. These Cross Cult Morality Nazis aren't content with defining their own fetid supernaturalism; they're determined to define Ms. Judd's, too: "Her involvement in providing entertainment for female homosexuals should conflict with her Christian faith. Judd should be encouraged to cancel her tour." (Chronicle). Am I the only one smelling a "boycott Wayonna Judd for the Lord" campaign ramping up at the TVC? I doubt it. Afterthought Retooling Moses Perpetrators of that infamous musical stinker, 'The Ten Commandments', just announced a cutback in performances so they can retool. The play's purveyors explain that they need the extra time to rehearse the changes that will, magically, make this turkey nifty. Hope springs eternal. The play's perpetrators could put this aromatic turkey in limbo until our Sun burns out and it would still reek, but, it's, somewhat, comforting to learn that at least one perpetrator is grounded enough to detect the stench wafting up from the stage during each performance. For those who care, our crackerjack reporting staff unearthed the show-stopping fact that this play originated in France. I can't speak for you, but that tells me everything I need to know about this farce. Kultural News Nuggets Kiss Him Goodbye Kudos to Howard and the visionary suits at SIRIUS for taking boom box entertainment to the next level. Mocking Mikey
Other singers targeted for Eminem video abuse include the Skank and the alleged singer formerly known as Madonna. Is this tripe worth watching? Maybe, but, probably with the sound muted. Random Synaptic Activity Serious Actress Hair Kathryn Morris - she plays Lily on CBS's 'Cold Case' - is a repeat offender. Reality Show Clown All you really need to know about F. F., is the fun fact that he speaks of himself in the 'third person'. I. E. "Flavor Flav needs to drive." Look up "legend in his own mind" in your dictionary and you'll find Flav's mug shot. Afterthought Kulture Tidbits Mel's Self-Made Hell Assuming, no doubt, that Mel is tight with Old Ka-Boom, Mr. Sinclair, started stalking Mel. In addtion to writing letters to Mel, Sinclair showed up at Mel's Malibu abode, twice, after which he tracked Mel down to his chosen Toll Booth. Each encounter included one, plaintive plea: "Pray with me". Mel demurred, choosing, instead, to get a restraining order against his loyal, uh, disciple...Zack Sinclair. Mel, dude, you opened this holy roller Pandora's Box with your over-the-top Cross Dude flick. In other words, you made this hell, so it's only fair that you burn in it. Titney's Epiphany For those who care, here's what prompted Titney's "Letter of Truth":
Titney, darlin, writing letters to your fans won't revive your so-called career. The one shot you might have - a nude spread in 'Playboy' - isn't likely to do it either, now that you're no longer 'fresh'...meat. You had your 15 minutes and were lavishly rewarded. Shut up, sit down and play with your money. Don't make me come over there. J. Lo's TressesSource: Pagan Scribbler Entertainment Wire [10/01] Rumor has it - according to unnamed 'informed' sources' - that what you see isn't, entirely, what you get when it comes to Blimp Butt's (J. Lo, of course) fabled tresses. Allegedly, Blimp Butt 'enhances' her follicular appeal with a wig that confers the prerequisite 'thick and beautiful' movie star hair. Cynical bastard that I am, I suspect that Blimp Butt is the one who leaked this story, to satisfy her compulsion for publicity. Your 15 minutes are over, wench. Don't make me tell you again. NOVEMBER 2004
Nanny State Insanity Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [11/20] The legicrat hack you, stupidly, sent to D.C. is pushing a bill through congress that would - I am not making this up - make it a federal crime to fast forward past those annoying advertisements and previews that the movie studio slams onto your DVD. When I read something like this, I'm compelled to bellow: Have you legicrat assholes even bothered to read the United States Constitution? Where, exactly, is this goddamn DVD regulation clause? How long does this law stay in effect? Equiring minds haven't got a damn clue. Years down the road, am I still required to watch previews for films that no longer exist? Am I still compelled to watch ads for crap that's no longer being sold? How detached from reality are these legicrat lunatics? The time has come to fire all these capitol hill bastards. Next election cycle, vote every damn one of them out. No excuses. No exceptions. This is not a drill. Sirius Gets Serious Howard Stern's move to Sirius Satellite Radio will re-unite the original shock jock with the man who made Howard's meteoric rise possible: Infinity Radio's founder, Mel Karmazin. According to a Sirius press release, Mr. Karmazin just accepted a position as Sirius Satellite Radio's Chief Executive Officer. It's a move that puts a proven, broadcast industry, empire builder in a perfect position to move satellite radio from the red ink fringes to the black ink mainstream. Spearheaded by the wildly-successful Stern-Karmazin team, Sirius seems ready to make satellite radio the next big thing. In case you wondered, the next primal scream you hear will be Stern's current employer, Viacom, coping with the thrilling news. It's a slam dunk that Clear Channel Communications' executives aren't thrilled spitless either. The Monday Night Football Fiasco Decency dimwit panties are in a wad over Monday Night Football's blatant plug for ABC's sexually-charged hit: "Desperate Housewives". Judging, exclusive, by the usual, family values mutants' blithering, Nicollette Sheridan and Terrell Owens got horizontal and squishy on the 'public' airwaves, while - gasp - children were watching. As usual, they're delusional. Suggestive as it was, the scandalous boob tube fare wasn't that thrilling:
All anyone saw was the wench's bare shoulders and upper back, period. Compared to the average "Baywatch" episode, this was tame stuff. Tastless? Maybe. Out of place? Probably. Clever? You bet. Indecent? No way in holy roller hell, Tome-bonkers Sparky. Show Stopper Anna Nicole Smith's prime time train wreck elevated this year's 'American Music Awards' show from "so what" to "what the hell" in a heartbeat. The sleeker, booty-licious, Anna might be much easier on the eyes, but she's still got that death grip on her Lone Star state, trailer trash proclivities.
Slimmed down, dressed up and rolling in greenbacks, Anna is still trailer trash and always will be. You dress it up in a tuxedo, but, a pig is still a pig. Shelving Private Ryan ABC's Veteran's Day showing of "Saving Private Ryan" is stirring up unanticipated turmoil, from sea to shining sea. The problem begins with the deal ABC struck with the film's creator, Steven Spielberg, a deal that 'forbade any editing of the movie' (Monterey Herald). Worried about showing a film rated 'R' for violence and language during 'family viewing hours', numerous ABC affiliates are opting out, to avoid FCC decency fine bingo.
With decency left, essentially, undefined, stations need to be very cautious. This film just isn't worth the risk, because, all it takes is one hypersensitive asshat complaining to Kommandant Powell to condemn a station to red ink hell. Station managers who avoid this risk are making a well-reasoned business decision in these Morality Nazi dominated times. In this paranoid reality is the Amerika that Morality Nazis created, the only bulletproof family hour programming is a test pattern. Ironically, the usual, family values suspects are complaining about the stations' decision to avoid a "Saving Private Ryan" related decency fine. Goose-Stepping Gautleiter, L. Brent Bozell - Kommandant of the Parents Television Council - insists that his storm troopers are okey dokey with a family viewing time "Saving Private Ryan" showing. Tell me another one, dude. If you owned a boob tube outlet, would you take this sanctimonious asshat's assurances to the bank? Neither would I. If holy rollers want to see this flick, they can haul their butt down to Blockbuster and rent the damn thing. "Saving Private Ryan" Update The results from last night's "Saving Private Ryan" showing are in and they make interesting reading.
It sounds like those 66 stations that dumped the flick dodged an expensive FCC fine bullet. As for the rest, welcome to decency bonkers Amerika where whining asshats decide what you're allowed to present on your station. Boom Box Turmoil in Kin-Tucky Two inspired, Lexington (Ky) D. J.'s thrilled listeners spitless when they told listeners that city hacks passed an edict - at midnight - that outlawed smoking in your ride. Faster than a speeding, field-stripped, cigarette butt, phones at city hall and police headquarters started ringing off the hook.
We are, as usual, amused to the max. Golden Globe Goodies The Golden Globe Awards is poised to diss holy roller cinema icon, Mel Gibson, and, Marxist movie icon, Michael 'The Maggot' Moore, by ignoring their popular/controversial films. Big, big fun.
This might be the only time that Mel and the Maggot feel each other's professional pain. Go figure. Silver Screen Payback When the film producers perpetrating "Seed of Chucky" asked Titney's record label for permission to use "Baby One More Time" during 'a romantic scene featuring the famous doll and his bride' (Chronicle), the record executives flatly refused. Mildly bummed but otherwise undaunted, the film producers decided to exact some big screen payback:
Kudos to these film producers for exacting an elegant revenge. We are amused to the max. Kulture Quickies Item File this epic under "be careful what you ask for"...Truer words, loyal readers...Truer words. Item
Could this be payback for Julia's expensive, diva on steroids, antics during filming? You better believe it, you're not all that, bitch, Sparky. Daddy's "Little" Girl? Joe Simpson took one look - okay, so, maybe, he's obsessed - at daughter Jessica's bra-bursting sweater puppies and decided that baby girl's endowments were too good to waste. Before you could say "cleavage", Joe steered Jessica - yes, that, Jessica Simpson - away from Christian record labels, dangling her, instead, in front of booty-appreciating, secular record executives.
A 'former youth minisiter' (Chronicle), Joe quite his day job and hopped on the poptart express as Jessica's manager. "Follow the money" gets my vote, but, Joe's Cross Cult homeboys are far from amused. "Repent, sinner" resonates like gangbusters, in a Toll Booth, but Joe isn't in a listening mood, as long as baby girl's sweater-filling talent brings in those dead presidents by the boatload. Joe's attitude seems to be, "Catch me later, Cross Cult dudes, after Jessica's talent loses the battle with gravity." Sounds like a plan, Joe. DECEMBER 2004
Things I Hate With a Passion We’ve all endured those boring, snail’s pace boom box commercials where the announcer speaks so slowly he sounds like a retard. There's no way in hell that you'll miss a single word. In fact...if you're anything like me...you feel like reaching into that boom box, grabbing this slo-motion asshat by the throat and bellowing: "Enough already! Spit it out or shut the hell up!" As bad as this slower than molasses prose is, there's something infinitely worse. The part that puts me on the ragged edge of going postal happens during the last few seconds of the pitch, when a warp speed word flogger jumps in to reel off a mega wad of legalese that would fill the Manhattan telephone book. I defy anyone to catch each and every syllable of this shyster-motivated spew. This pagan has an inflexible policy where such ads are concerned: never trust a company whose shyster-imposed product disclaimer is longer than the ‘meat’ of their advertisement. If a product pitch ends with a motormouth spew, avoid their product like it’s tainted with ebola. You heard it here, first. He'll Be Back Anyone who threatened to commit suicide if 'Jeopardy' mega champ, Ken Jennings, appeared on their boob tube screen, ever again, might want to have a rational adult impound all the sharp objects before they read further. Don't say I didn't warn you... Everyone will be thrilled to hear that 'Jeopardy's' purveyors plot to mine more Ken Jennings-inspired ratings gold with a "Super Tournament" staring - drum roll - the Kenster.
The second coming of Ken is slated to start in February or March, with the finals set for the May 2005 sweeps. Be there, or be square. Ill-Advised Boom Box Prose You'll be relieved to learn that today's "be careful what you say, on air" boom box moment has nothing to do with broadcast decency. Put down your "Eat shit and die, Brent Bozell" placard, because it's not needed, this time out. Ironically, Big Apple based D.J., Crazy Cabbie, spewed his ill-advised prose on decency crusade ground zero, Howard Stern's radio show, so it's a safe bet that Brent and his goose-steppers were hanging on every word:
Deemed clinically bonkers, due to his "bipolar disorder", Cabbie raved throughout a recent Stern show that Mafia hitmen are out to get him. True or not, Cabbie has much bigger problems than rampaging gunsels in pinstriped suits. They can only kill him, once. The IRS, on the other hand, is ready, willing and able to make his life a living hell, 24/7/365, until he draws his last breath. All things considered...given his choices...a hitman's bullet would rate as a "mercy killing". Homer Gets Celestial "Simpson's" creator, Matt Groening, plans to kill off Homer in an upcoming episode, but fear not, he'll be back after a brief, but action packed, visit to the celestial realm. Groening reports that Homer gets into Old Ka-Boom's face, and offers him some timely advice:
Kudos to Matt Groening for keeping the "Simpsons" on the cutting edge of no shit creative boob tube programming. This pagan scribbler is proud to admit that he's a devoted Homer Simpson fan. The Home Improvement Hottie Sex Tape Caper Lloyd Grove's Lowdown column in this Big Apple fishwrap has breaking news on home improvement hottie, Paige Davis. According to this Big Apple gossip purveyor, the "Trading Spaces" hostess is embroiled in a nifty sex-laced story that centers on a 1997-vintage video tape of Paige and an unnamed male getting vertically squishy together in a shower. The tape, if it exists, might be a fake, but Paige's response to Lloyd's column has everyone asking painful - for Paige - questions. For starters, there's the fun fact that our home improvement hottie, unexpectedly, canceled her "Today Show" appearance, the day after Lloyd broke the Paige porno tape news. Rather than rely on rumors and gossip, we should demand that all interested parties be allowed to preview this revealing, Paige Davis, uh, appearance, as long...as often...as needed, to, uh, resolve assorted issues. I know what you're thinking and I so don't need your attitude. We both know that, given the chance, you'd watch Paige's stellar shower adventure. Maggot Paranoia Michael 'The Maggot' Moore is much more than a bloated, neo-Marxist blowhard. With the Oscar season in full swing The Maggot added to his official PIG descriptors by becoming a paranoid, bloated, neo-Marxist blowhard. Somehow, he has convinced himself that those dastardly right-wingnuts are conspiring, plotting, and scheming to rob him of his best picture Oscar.
How, exactly, can the Vast Right-Wingnut Conspiracy intimidate Hollywood's lefty to the max horde into dissing The Maggot? That's beyond delusional, even for a walking brain-fart like Mikey. Maggot, dude, the voices go away when you take your medication. How many times to I need to remind you? Hot Rather Replacement Rumor 'Broadcast and Cable' magazine quotes the usual 'unnamed' CBS sources, when it reports that the network is eager to bag "Today" show reporterette, Katie Couric, to replace Dan Blather as their top news anchor. There's just one pesky problem with elevating the perky one to this highly prized Network News Nitwit position: she's under contract with NBC for another 18 months. Call me names if you must, but I don't see the peacock network cutting Katie loose, early, so she can take over for Dan Blather at a rival network. The same rumor mongers opine that CBS might use an interim News Nitwit to keep the anchor chair warm, until lefty to a fault Katie finishes her "Today" show gig in 2006. Am I the only one who doesn't give a flaming News Nitwit damn who replaces Dan Blather? Probably, but I can live with that. Cokie Disses The Maggot Lefty News Nitwit, emeritus, Cokie Roberts knows the real reason that walking snooze alarm, John Kerry, didn't get the Oval Office nod: Michael 'The Maggot' Moore:
More than a tad irked that she faces four more W-plagued years, Cokie dug deep for her parting shot about The Maggot's appearance. Am I the only who wonders what Cokie would say about the terminally unphotogenic Maggot, if the snooze alarm managed to derail W's second term aspirations? I doubt it. Wal-Mart In The Bull's-Eye Goody-goody Wal Mart incurred morality mutant ire when a chronically offended Maryland denizen heard the 'f-word' on a rock group's CD that he purchased at the relentlessly 'proper' retail outlet. Shocked, and then some, Trevin Skeens sued, noting the fun fact that the store had to know about the offending word, since the free sample of Evanescense's 'Anywhere But Here' available in store and on their web site censors out the 'f-bomb'. These sinister soundwaves could cost Wal Mart big, since this chronically-offended asshat is demanding $74,500 in damages for each person who got victimized when they bought this alleged music from Wal Mart. If you want in on this action, haul ass to any Maryland Wal Mart, grab this CD, then send a bill for $74,500 to Wal Mart headquarters. Tell them Trevin Skeens sent you. Afterthought Banned At Penn State Penn State's official computer nerd cabal just served up a pointed warning that Billy Gates' Internet Explorer web browser is so inherently flawed...so riddled with security holes...that it's uncool for this venerable Ivory Tower. Instead of IE, these byte wranglers strongly suggest that Penn State's 80,000 students switch to 'Mozilla', 'Firefox', 'Opera', or 'Safari' instead. That's excellent advice that everyone should heed.
This pagan strongly suggests that anyone using IE for their Web Browsing drop it like a bad habit. Mozilla (Netscape vets will find this very familiar) and Firefox are both available on the Mozilla web site and are, very user friendly. There's no reason to make it easy for some hacker asshat to invade your system. Another Day, Another Decency Complaint According to Media Week, the FCC asked NBC for tapes of the 2004 Summer Olympics' opening ceremony, after receiving complaints about the broadcast. If you're puzzled about what could possibly be 'indecent' about this particular broadcast, don't feel like the Lone Ranger. It all seems harmless enough:
For the real answers, we should, probably, consult Brent Bozell and his perpetually-offended Parents Television Council censors, since they make 99.8% of all FCC complaints. Go ahead, Brent, tell us all about this allegedly offensive sports broadcast. What's that? You have nothing to say at this time? Go figure. Afterthought
Is it getting hot in PTC headquarters? You better believe it, 'if you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen' Sparky. Kulture News Nugget J. Lo's alleged career isn't going exactly as planned these days. First, while promoting her new album for some VIP's in Sweden, she left in a huff, after a few drunk Danes refused to stop heckling her. Now, there are printed reports that she took a huge pay cut in order to get a staring role in a forthcoming flick "An Unfinished Life". Topping out at a whopping $12,000,000 per flick in the monumental flop, "Gigli", the blimp butt diva must cope with a paltry $4,000,000 this time out. If...when this flick bombs, it won't shock anybody when her asking price for the next flick will be a well deserved $29.95. Decency Dimwits Unmasked Through October, in 2004, 99.4% of the FCC's non-Janet Jackson related, broadcast indecency complaints came from Brent Bozell's Parent Television Council (PTC) goose-steppers. Armed with Brent's carefully-scripted 'outrage' - available on the PTC's Internet site - the PTC Morality Nazi horde has a stranglehold on Amerikan broadcasters. Who died and put them in charge of what can - or can't - be broadcast over the government airwaves? If you don't see the threat these self-appointed censors pose to our inalienable individual liberty, you're in a coma.
Given Kommandant Powell's insatiable appetite for tyrannical power over so-called 'public' airwaves, don't hold your breath waiting for him to bitch-slap Brent and his smugly-sanctimonious goose-steppers back into their proper place. The PTC gives Kommandant Powell all the ammo he needs to micro manage broadcast content in Amerika. That might thrill Brent Bozell spitless, but it majorly pisses off this free speech-loving pagan. Brent, dude, if you don't like what gets transmitted on the airwaves, turn the boom box or television off. Don't make me come over there. Maggot Malaise The Maggot (Michael Moore) got so traumatized by W's re-election that he stayed in bed for three days. I don't know about you, but that's a mental image I so didn't need cluttering up what passes for this pagan scribbler's brain. Tragically, the Maggot got over it and is assaulting our senses, again, while he makes the rounds to blither about some-damn-thing. Since the Maggot has all this time on his hands and is - in his own mind - a keen electoral expert, maybe we could resolve our outstanding Maggot issues by sending him to 'monitor' the Iraqi elections. Call me names if you must but I'd cross the appropriate parts of my body, hoping that Zarkawi would take the bait and bag some rational adult props by, uh, martyring this bloated Hollywood blight. If killing the Maggot is too much to ask, Zarkawi could still get honorable mention props if he shot off the Maggot's nads. It's glass half full time, again, in the pagan scribbler bunker. VRWC Rising Star Laura Ingraham's on-air boom box antics are so popular they catapulted this conservative chat show wench 'into the top 10 in total audience among national heard talk show hosts' (Houston Chronicle). Already a nifty number six, Laura trails Limbaugh, Hannity, Stern, Savage and Schlessinger on the top boom box blather list. Kudos to Laura for her success. Who knew that drinking Elephant Clan Kool-Aid could propel her so far, so soon. Learn something new every day. Kultural Quickies Item 1: Item 2: Item 3: 2003
Giving Something Back Source: CNN Christina Aguilera isn't this pagan's favorite Pop Tart, no matter how much booty she flashes. That said, she just earned heartfelt pagan scribbler props for her most recent, off-stage actions. Still coping with the aftershocks generated by a tough childhood during which she and her mother were victimized by an abusive father/husband, this singer found it easy to help others trapped in similar situations.
Rather than simply throw money at the problem and issue a press release, she visited the shelter where she spent quality time that included talking to the people living there and wrapping Christmas gifts for the children. Kudos are well-deserved and freely given. Saluting
Alicia Keys Alicia Keys is mega talented composer, musician, singer who happens to be drop dead gorgeous. Refusing to take the Pop Tart Express to fame and fortune, Alicia opted for a much harder path. She wrote and recorded her music, then refused to gut it for greater commercial - in the record company's mind - impact. When they suggested that she tart herself up to sell her music, she dumped Columbia Records like a bad habit and found another, more enlightened record company. Her determination paid off in 2002 when her initial record 'Songs In A Minor' earned this stellar musical talent 5 Grammys. In a recent interview with a Kraut music magazine, she explained her refusal to play Pop Tart:
A beautiful musician/singer who insists that she succeed or fail based on her talent? Kudos to Alicia for her clear thinking, for her dedication to her craft. It's a refreshing change from Titney, Christina and all the other booty bimbo's with delusions of musical adequacy. Self-Affleck-ted
Wounds? BenLo, the fatassed bimbo's current male fashion accessory is not a happy camper. His career is on life support, but it's not his fault...It's hers.
No shit, Sherlock, but you didn't flee in terror during the BenLo media blitz. Over-exposure? You did it to yourself, pussy-whipped Sparky. Capitalism
Goes 'Wild'? If you managed to escape the ubiquitous 'Girls Gone Wild' infomercials, congratulations, and - by the way - there's this new entertainment medium called 'television'. It's all the rage, these days. You might want to hitch up the horse and buggy for a drive into town to check it out. This pagan's civilized readers will be thrilled to hear that the 'Girls Gone Wild' brain-trust is expanding their lucrative product line - 5 million videos sold in 2002 alone - to include a new Girls Gone Wild music CD, a Girls Gone Wild feature project at MGM, plus a restaurant chain and clothing line. Color this pagan very confused. Girls Gone Wild is about shit-faced girls who 'give their fathers heart attacks by flashing [their booty] and making out with each other' (Reuters). Naked wench hooters is one thing, but how does this relate to music CDs a restaurant and a clothing line? Enquiring minds want to. Mikey's
New Bride News Nazis report that Mikey Jackson's latest ploy to deflect new child molester accusations feature a new, vastly improved Muslim ball and chain. Reportedly, she's a hottie named Alisha, a 23-year-old pianist with an impressive 154 I.Q. Big fun, if true, but how smart can she be to get hooked up with this noseless, bleached-skin has-been? Enquiring minds would welcome a photo of this Muslim hottie...so sue me! Mikey
Update Mikey and his crew finally settled down and admitted that, despite the noseless has been's repeated denials, he is being guarded by Louis Farrakhan and his Nation of Islam homeboys. This 'yes they are', 'no they aren't' tug of war started when Mikey's official spokesman, Stuart Backerman, quit the Mikey team, complaining about the Nation of Islam's involvement, among other things...Mikey's legal defense strategy, no doubt. The question still left unanswered involves Mikey himself...Is he now a Muslim and thus being 'guided' by Louis himself? Many think this would be a terrible thing, but I'm not that sure. Given the noseless dolt's bizarre in the extreme behavior...Given his family's refusal to get him the help he needs, Mikey needs somebody to beat some sense into him. When it comes to that, Louis is an excellent choice. I mean, it's Mikey...how could any change make things worse? NOVEMBER
2003
B***h-Slapping A Fat Assed Alleged Star Source: Scotsman Commentary A Brit scribbler took dead aim at ultra diva, J Lo, and nailed her no talent jumbo ass, big damn time.
Kudos to this Brit scribbler for giving the bimbo a superb, well-deserved thumping. Entertainment
Fun Hippo Butt:
Titney:
Louis Vuitton
Dumps Blimp Butt J. Lo got dropped as spokes-bimbo for fashion designer Louis Vuitton, due to her greedy, diva behavior. The Sydney Morning Herald spews these fun facts:
Don't let the door smack your fat ass on the way out, blimp butt. Music To
My Ears? Aussie officials managed to Emerilize the crushingly boring Davis Cup finals opening ceremony when they saluted the Spanish team by playing the wrong national anthem. The Spanish Sports Minister went utterly postal and stalked out, called a press conference then blistered the Aussie debacle as 'offensive and insulting'. As embarrassing as this must be for the Aussies, I feel their pain. Could I pick the Spanish national anthem out of a lineup? No way in hell, Se–or Sparky. Left Coast
Tidbits Assorted flotsam bobbed to the surface in this vast right-wingnut, Hollywood-bashing prose: Mel Just as twisted, Holy Roller Mel supporters display their true colors via hate mail, angry phone calls and flaming e-mail messages, all of which are directed at the two Ivory Tower eggheads who painted an Anti-Semite bull's-eye on Mel's butt. Babs
Sue Christina
Nothing New
Under Hollywood's Sun? Proving how dead imagination is in Hollywood, big screen bright bulbs plan to perpetrate a Magnum P.I. movie staring...George Clooney. Ugh, and feel free to quote me. Line Forms
At the Church Door Various News Nazi outlets report that Pam 'Jiggle' Anderson is now - I am not making this up - teaching Sunday School. She might have the only Sunday school class with a waiting list. Film at eleven. – Compiled by T.D. Treat |
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Copyright 1993-2005 PIG - The Politically Incorrect Gazette
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