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PIG PLEDGE •
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Pledge Allegiance To The Way Cool Dudes That Founded The Free State Of PIG Because PIG Is The Place That Gets In Your Face Regardless Of Gender Orientation Or Race |
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PIG
NEWS DIGEST
| MORALITY POLICE | HOLY ROLLERS
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DECEMBER 2006
Religious Tolerance Strikes Again
Source: Jerusalem Post [12/19/06] While on an extended vacation to a Middle Eastern country, a deeply religious woman got on a bus for a ride to a local shrine of the religion she shared with that nation’s inhabitants. During the ride to the shrine, the woman was accosted, and subsequently assaulted because she refused to sit in the rear of the bus where women were supposed to sit. The telling tidbit about this story is the fact that this woman was assaulted by zealots from her own religion, an attack that was given vocal support by other passengers on the bus:
I know what you’re thinking but you’re wrong. This didn’t take place in some Islamikaze infested A-rab fun spot. An American-Israeli woman named Miriam Shear was attacked in Jerusalem on a bus that was taking her to the Western Wall in Jerusalem’s Old City where she intended to pray. Her assailants were ‘ultra-Orthodox (Haredi)’ alleged men who just proved conclusively, that Islamikazes haven’t got a monopoly on liberty-infringing supernaturalism. I’m pleased to report that Israel’s rational adults are taking up Miriam’s cause and trying to fight back against this bovine excrement:
It’s ironic in the extreme that inalienable individual liberty for the differently-male is as vexing for Torah True Believer zealots as it is for Islamikaze fundamentalists. Learn something new every damn day. Morality Mutant Panties In A Wad World Net Daily and a decency cabal called ‘Life Decisions International’ have their holy roller panties in a wad over a recent episode of CBS Television’s ‘Two and a Half Men’. These TFV stalwarts were already less than thrilled with the Charlie Sheen alleged comedy because of its central themes which WND describes as a a "comedy about men, women, sex, dating, divorce, mothers, single parenthood, sibling relations, surrogate families, money and, most importantly, love". Despite their misgivings, the holy roller cabal tolerated the show, until a recent episode "crossed the line". Outraged by the show’s antics, the president of Life Decisions International, Douglas R. Scott, Jr., send frantic messages to CBS President Les Moonves and CBS’s primary owner, Sumner Redstone:
And what, you ask, did Charlie Sheen do that launched Dougie into orbit? Charlie’s character celebrated a forthcoming evening of horizontal entertainment with his own version of a venerable Christmas Carol, "Joy to the World". WND shared these hopelessly hormonal lyrics: Joy to the world WND is sounding the alarm on Life Decisions International’s behest by printing the contact information for Moonves and Redstone. They, like you, are free to do whatever thrills them spitless, but this PIG scribbler doesn’t plan to lose any sleep over anything CBS and/or Charlie Sheen perpetrate. Left Behind, The Game It’s hardly breaking news when the usual suspects start caterwauling about the way violent games are teaching "the children" all the wrong lessons. It’s still not breaking news when these same whining wingnuts demand that those dastardly capitalists at Wal-Mart pull an especially violent game from the store’s shelves. What makes this game PIG-worthy is the game’s theme - the thrills and chills of a post-Rapture Earth that is based on the mega popular, ‘Beam me up, Scotty’ "Left Behind" series. The game is called, quite understandably, "Left Behind: Eternal Forces" and it pits the true believer holy roller warrior against the Antichrist and his minions in the Global Community Forces. The location for this epic struggle of good vs evil is, ironically enough, the Big Apple. Is that why the lefties are so annoyed by this game? Perhaps, but that doesn’t explain the angst served up by Rev. Tim Simpson who spearheads the Christian Alliance for Progress: "Part of the object is to kill or convert the opposing forces. It is antithetical to the Gospel of Jesus Christ". Perhaps, but it’s a game, Cross Cult Sparky, not real life. Would you rather have "the children" reading the Tome’s blood-soaked epics in the book of Joshua, Tim? Thus Sayeth Pastor Mark A Great Northwest Nitwit Pastor named Mark Driscoll landed in hot water thanks to some spiffy entries he made on his blog. One of those "men are men and you’re not" kind of guys, Mark gave NO NADs heartburn with assorted Web Blog gems. Mark laid part of the blame for Ted Haggard’s fall from evangelical grace on Ted’s wife:
In other words, if she was taking care of business, Ted wouldn’t be doing, whatever, with a gay hooker. Mark really needs a refresher course on the birds and the bees, especially the part about those bees who are attracted to other bees. Mark has these notions about the Holy Trinity:
Based on the following gem, it’s safe to assume that Mark isn’t thrilled spitless with certain Episcopalians who recently appointed a female bishop:
The fallout from Mark’s blog prattle is coming thick and fast. This Seattle fishwrap decided that the Post-Intelligencer could do without Mark Driscoll’s regular contribution to its religion pages. A group called People Against Fundamentalism condemned Mark’s musings as "demanding and pejorative" to womyn. As a result of his header into Korrectness, Mark is expressing "regret" that his web musing gave some people a boo-boo. Mark is sorry that he used "inflammatory language" to express his views, but he’s not ready to abandon his "God says men are men and you’re not" convictions. Westboro Scumbags 0 For 2 PIG is pleased to report that those Kansas scumbags - Fred Phelps and his merry band of rat bastards, Westboro Baptist Church - had a crappy week. Still spreading their vile brand of hate-spewing Cross Cultism, Fred’s pile of allegedly human turds are relentlessly traveling near and far inviting some rational adult to give them an express ticket to the hell they so richly deserve. Their first bitch-slap came flying in from the Fort Berthhold Indian Reservation (North Dakota) where the Three Affiliated Tribes were getting ready to bury a tribe member, Young Eagle (National Guard Cpl. Nathan Goodiron), who was killed on Thanksgiving Day in Afghanistan. Since the burial is being held on tribal land, the Tree Affiliated Tribes rolled up the "welcome" mat and smacked Fred Phelps traveling hate squad with it. The essence of the message: "You’re not bringing your hate on our tribal land so buzz off."
Leaving nothing to chance the tribal authorities deployed tribal police to keep Fred Phelps’ walking turds off tribal land. As fun as the North Dakota incident was, the second one is even better. It happened while the Westboro Baptist blight on humanity was in transit to another hate-in, a military funeral in Atlantic City. Apparently, Old Ka-Boom isn’t on their side because the moment they arrived at the Chicago Airport, that cranky deity slammed the area with a blizzard that grounded all the flights including theirs. Westboro’s flying hate squad was philosophical about the weather setback, but they were much more vocal about the chilly reception that they received from the Atlantic City police department. As it turned out, Old Ka-Boom’s intervention made the efforts of the Atlantic City P.D. and the efforts of the 100 (+) Patriot Guard Riders who showed up unnecessary. U.S. Army Spc. Eric Rivera was buried in a quiet, dignified ceremony that was, mercifully, unsullied by Westboro’s flying hate squad. PIGish Table Pounding Afterthought NOVEMBER 2006
PETA Gets It Wrong, Again Source: PIG’s Golden Oinks 2006 [11/30/06] If they were capable of "shame", the PETA punks would be red-faced after their asinine "shame on you" antics with a Toll Booth in Anchorage Alaska. Always alert to a perceived crime against critters, PETA targeted the Anchorage First Free Methodist Church for using critters in the Toll Booth’s living Nativity scene. Such scenes, PETA pontificated, subject the critters "to cruel treatment and danger". There’s just one pesky problem with this PETA prose, Rev. Jason Armstrong’s Toll Booth doesn’t use live animals in their living nativity:
Determined to anticipate all possible complaints, Rev. Armstrong points out that their living nativity scene uses a "plastic" baby in the manger. And here you were, worrying, needlessly. We’d invoke an egg on PETA faces metaphor but that would be a criminal misuse of a proto-chicken. Breaking Supernaturalism News The Cross Dude and his Cherry Mama are thrilling the faithful with their series of personal appearances at a Toll Booth on the French riviera. Certain true believers who visited St. Paul’s Catholic Church in Cannes report that one or both stars of the Celestial Realm paid them a person visit that left them, emotionally, and in some cases, physically, shaken afterwards. The Evening Standard files these eye-witness reports:
As expected, the news of this rare, joint Cross Dude - Cherry Mama appearance has "the faithful" flocking into Cannes for a close encounter with these Celestial Realm super stars. Be there or be square, true believer Sparky. Supernaturalism News Nibbles A More "Inclusive" Tome?
If you feel the need to thrill the whole neighborhood with a primal scream, now is the time. Cherry Mama Sighting Is this another Cherry Mama personal appearance, or just the random forces of nature forging a recognizable image in gold? It’s your call PIGsters. You can find a picture of this gold Cherry Mama on our Golden Oinks 2006 page. Boys Will Be Boys Some Hasidic Torah True Believers in Montreal have their beanies in a tizzy over the exercise class in the YMCA across the back alley from their religious school. The fun ramped up to a fever pitch more than a decade ago when the century old YMCA did some long overdue renovation. One improvement - an upgrade that gets our vote - included adding a first floor exercise room at that rear of the building where nubile wenches in leotards strutted their stuff to keep in shape. As harmless as that sounds, it gave the Hasidic Toll Booth heartburn because it exposed the young lads in the school to "the sins of the flesh". As a direct result, the Y put frosted windows in the exercise room and the Hasidic school did the same on their side. Did that end the matter? Get real, sins of the flesh Sparky. The women who exercise at the Y are passing around a petition to get rid of the frosted windows on the exercise room, because they make the room feel like a dungeon. Also, they aren’t thrilled that a supernaturalist cabal "dictated" terms to the Y which has been in the neighborhood much longer than the Hasidic Toll Booth that set up shop in 1985. There’s an additional problem since the windows - Toll Booth and exercise room - don’t stay closed allowing Hasidic lads to see that sinful "flesh". As fun as that sounds, it gets better, because during breaks Hasidic lads and/or leotard clad hotties get a bit of air behind their respective buildings. Seeing anything you like, Hasidic dude? British Supernaturalism In Revolt? This story about Brit supernaturalists warning about the possibility of an open, armed, revolt against the government isn’t what you think, because the revolting Brits in question aren’t Mecca Maniacs. If you’re guessing Druids or some other cult, get over it. The group sending up warning flares is a mainstream group called the "Evangelical Alliance" and they’re not mincing words:
The Evangelical Alliance’s grievance list centers on what they perceive as an attempt by the British government to prevent Cross Cultists from freely practicing - expressing in public - their religion. One burr under the Cross Cultist’s saddle involves an edict by the Brit government that bans "proselytising in public-funded Christian projects", a standard "our pound, our rules" gig that’s finally making landfall across the pond. That, in and of itself, doesn’t send Cross Cultists running to build barricades in the streets, but the usual slippery slope arguments are giving them heartburn. Objective reality is a real bitch about this kind of thing. While Brit hacks were busy worrying, fretting and sweating -for damn good reasons - over their embedded Islamikaze population, their Cross Cultists go "man the barricades" bonkers on them. The End Is Here? Hal Lindsey, John Hagee and countless other Cross Cultist are seeing all the signs that the end is near. Quite frankly, I’m not exactly choked up by their signs and portents. It sounds like a steaming load of wishful thinking, as far as I’m concerned. If, as Hagee and Lindsey insist, the end is looming on the near horizon, what ominous signs can this pagan scribbler point out to prove that the long awaited day of retribution is at hand? If, as these Tome floggers suspect, we are getting there sooner than originally planned, what did we do that prompted the Bible's anger-challenged deity to move up his schedule? PIG thinks the following events are the key tipping points that drove Old Ka-Bomb into prematurely pulling the plug on his experiment with humanity:
Old Ka-Boom's apocalyptic tantrum just reached critical mass PIGsters, so make damn sure that your Rapture Survival Kit is ready for prime time. Danger, Will Robinson! Danger! The end just went from "near" to "here". This is not a drill. Cross Cult Feet of Clay Another "burn in hell, sinner" holy roller has proven to be morally-challenged. Call me names if you must, but, until yesterday, I never heard of Rev. Ted Haggard. He’s alleged to be a very big noise in the Evangelical ranks, but you can’t prove it by me. Whatever he is, or was, Rev. Ted proved to be a tad hypocritical, a malady that might terminate most careers, but seems to be a badge of honor among the true believers. They forgave Jimmy Swaggart, twice, so I’m guessing that Rev. Ted will catch a break, too. This "I’m a sinner, Lord, forgive me" gig comes in very handy for those Cross Cult padres who turn out to be what I call "merely mortal". Since "everyone is born into sin" is a core Cross Cult belief, a leader who gets caught - literally - with his pants down has a ready-made escape clause. It’s as simple as this:
Okay...OKAY. Maybe that’s a slight exaggeration, but you get the big picture. Like I said, this "We’re all sinners." deal comes in very handy when someone like Rev. Ted strays from the highway to heaven. OCTOBER 2006
True Believer Doubleheader Source: PIG’s Supernaturalism News Wire [10/26] Minneapolis (Minnesota) We’re pleased to report that certain Twin City rational adults find this decision troubling. Believe it or not, one of these rational adults is the president of Local 1005, Michelle Sommers:
The suits running Metro Transit insist that this driver assignment brain-fart has nothing to do with the ‘Lavender’ ad. Perish the thought. It’s just "a simple, reasonable accommodation on religious grounds". Yeah, right, and that opens a Pandora’s Box of whining from every hypersensitive pinhead on the payroll. Apparently, a venerable capitalist concept like "that’s the damn job, true believer Sparky...take it or leave it" is unknown in the Twin Cities. Go figure. Houston (Mexas) When the Garden Guy contacted Michael, things got interesting. The Garden Guy minion asked if Michael’s wife would be home to attend the landscaping consultation. At first, Michael blew off the question, but when the caller brought it up a second time, Michael gave the Garden Guy minion a reality check: "No, but my partner Gary will be." That’s right PIGsters, Michael is unabashedly, openly, GLAAD BAAG. Since the Garden Guy minion took this news without a fuss and made the appointment, everything seemed "go" for some Garden Guy plant wrangling advice. Alas, reality reared its ugly head in short order when Michael got the following E-mail from the Garden Guy:
From there, things got fun in a heartbeat. Michael spread the news to 200 of his friends and urged them to steer clear of the Garden Guy. GLAAD BAAG activists got their pink panties in a wad and whined because the Garden Guy can’t be nailed for breaking any existing laws. Why, they whine, isn’t Houston as "civilized" as Austin, Dallas, Fort Worth and El Paso, where refusing to do business with GLAAD BAAGs is "discrimination"? Unwilling to let the GLAAD BAAGs have all the fun, The American Family Association rushed to the Garden Guy’s defense. And what, you ask, is PIG’s attitude? The Garden Guy’s owners are entitled - for good or ill - to determine who they want to have as customers. If they make wrong decisions and piss off too many potential customers, the marketplace will exact a suitable revenge. As far as I’m concerned, a business owner can shove his, her, hisher or its head as far up hisr own butt as he wants. The dark underbelly of inalienable individual liberty is this: private individuals - including business owners - are entitled to be as racist, sexist, and/or homophobic as they want. Depending on the extent of their asinine antics, the ensuing marketplace reality check will be very damn enlightening. A Memorable True Believer Tantrum A Norwegian whiner named Vidar Kleppe - fearless leader of Norway’s Justice and Order party - began his thunderous caterwauling the moment he heard the news about a certain primary school in Kristiansand. Headmistress Anne Lise Gjul set off this raging wingnut when she decreed that, due to the young lads’ "piss poor" marksmanship, (pun perpetrated deliberately) the boys in her school would be required to pee sitting down. Why? Because their errant whiz was making a mess for the school’s cleanup staff. Anne sent the following message to parents:
Outraged, Vidar earned whiner bonus points with this stunner:
Numerous parents of young lads were equally unamused by Headmistress Gjul’s message, but Vidar’s over-the-top ranting is in a class all by itself. The standing whiz is, I’ll admit, spiffy, but calling it a gift from Old Ka-Boom is beyond the fringe weirdness. Why can’t America’s two political clans entertain us with a Vidar Kleppe class wingnut? We want our American Vidar and we want him right damn now. A Marriage Made In? We’ve been aware, for some time now, that a growing shortage of female offspring in India has made finding a suitable bride increasingly hard for marriage minded Dothead dudes. Until now, we had no idea how desperate things had become in an action-packed postal code of the Twilight Zone called "India". Our teenage hero is named Robin and he hails from a wide spot on a bovine choked road called Bordih village. This week, Robin acquired a ball and chain, but it’s not your usual dowery-packing ethnic cutie. Robin’s "bride" is named Lakshmi and "she" is a hill located about 3 kilometers from Robin’s village. That’s right, PIGsters, this desperate for a bride dude married a geological feature on the Indian landscape. His header into improbable wedded bliss transpired after his mother fell down and injured herself while climbing on Lakshmi. During mom’s "recovery" she had a dream that starred the goddess of prosperity from whom the Lakshmi got its name. Unwilling - unable - to accept that fact that she has two left feet, mom convinced herself that she has been cursed by the aforementioned goddess. That brain-fart was aided and abetted by a subsequent delusion - dream - starring the goddess: "The hill goddess asked me to get my son married with her. The marriage will help in getting rid of her curse." With nothing better to do, Robin agreed to play along with his tragically deranged mother and married the hill. In his own, impassioned words: "I have accepted the hill as my wife. I have no remorse." We’re trying to be open-minded about this "my baby boy made my day by marrying the hill outside town" romance, but it’s not that easy. Those pesky questions keep nagging us. Since he’s not an eyesore, and assuming his passion for this geological feature is real, we’re compelled to contemplate how, exactly, our hero intends to, uh, consummate his wedded bliss with the haunted hill. This is an official "Enquiring minds want to know" alert. The Lord Giveth... A thief who stole millions of dollars from his employer trotted out an interesting excuse when the forces of justice caught up with his antics. Instead of pleading poverty, some debilitating infirmity, or external causes that are beyond his control, John Skehan took a less traveled path. In his own mind, he was ‘the CEO of a multimillion-dollar company who wasn’t properly compensated’ (AP) for his efforts on behalf of his cheapskate employer. To put this epic in its proper perspective, there’s one additional fact that you need to know: Rev. John Skehan is a priest at a Delray Beach (Florida) Toll Booth called St. Vincent Ferrer Catholic Church.
The proper authorities caught up with this underappreciated "CEO" at Palm Beach International Airport. If he thinks the Catholic Church treated him shabbily, Rev. John is going to positively thrilled about his new Graybar Hotel digs. Life is so unfair that way. Harry Potter Must Go! A Gwinnett County (Georgia) true believer named Laura Mallory is mad as hell at the Gwinnett County Board of Educrap after they refused to expunge those evil incarnate Harry Potter tomes from the school system. After the county board turned her down, she took her book banning Jihad up the political food chain, hoping to find some intellectual flat-liners at the state level. For those of you who demand "fair and balanced" here are the two sides of this titanic Harry Potter melee:
Will Harry Potter be banned in Georgia? The jury, literally, is still out, but stranger things have happened, unfortunately. SEPTEMBER 2006
Conspiracy of the Week Source: AFP [09/17/06] An Iranian fishwrap - Jomhuri Islami - has boldly gone where only a delusional Jihadikaze publication would dare to go. With crystal balls, Tarot cards and tea leaves banned as too infidel, these visionary journalists consulted the requisite source of Iranian wisdom - a pile of camel dung - for the truth behind Pope Benedict XVI's "inflammatory" prose. After assessing this steaming load, the bright bulbs at Jomhuri Islami announced that the Pope was the front man for other, infidel string pullers:
Why, you ask, did Uncle Sam and Israel pull these papal strings? According to these Jihadikaze nimrods, the pope's prose was intended to distract us from Hezbollah's glorious triumph over Israel in Lebanon. If you think this delusion is confined to Jomhuri Islami, guess again. Another Iranian fishwrap, Kayhan, gave lip-service to the same conspiracy theory:
Did Uncle Sam really need to put inflammatory words in the pope's mouth to pick a fight with the Islamikazes? Given the hair trigger hypersensitivity of these violence prone morons all it takes to send them on a rampage is having someone sneeze at the wrong time and it's a done deal. Update: Iran's top Islamikaze cleric, Ali Khamenei refuses to allow those fishwrap scribblers have all this conspiracy theory fun. After they ran their pieces he spouted this amazing drivel:
This just in! Ali Khamenei is off his medication...again. Take the pill dude and those voices in your head will stop yammering. Islamikaze Tolerance Ali Mustaf Maka'il was murdered on September 7th by one of the Islamikaze scumbags who are making Somalia a thrill a minute. We know what you're thinking but it took more than "wrong country and the wrong time" to get Ali murdered. He started down the path to Islamikaze murder victim 11 months ago when he converted from Mecca Mania to Cross Cultism. According to WND's news item, Ali got shot 'when he refused to join a crowd chanting Quran verses in honor of the lunar eclipse'. An armed and dangerous religion of peace pinhead shot Ali in the back . File this epic under "religion of peace tolerance strikes again". Supernaturalism News Tidbits Repent, Sinner, Or We’ll Shoot You
Randy’s story gained credence when the cops found a bullet hole in the ceiling that had been recently caulked over. The proper authorities decided to give Doss’s sister and her two roommates a reality check by charging them with "unlawful imprisonment" which is a misdemeanor. Two of them are also charged with "menacing", another misdemeanor. Since all are released on bail, we feel safe in predicting that the next Doss family reunion will be endlessly thrilling and, potentially, action-packed. Come to Jesus, Mecca Maniac Sparky None of this cuts any ice with the usual Islamikaze suspects:
This pagan deems Reverend McCay’s sign "no harm, no foul". He’s staying true to his non-negotiable belief that the only path to salvation goes down Cross Dude boulevard. At least Rev. McCay is honest about his beliefs. That’s more than you can say about the pathological liars at CAIR. Cross Cult Pyromaniac There was just one pesky problem with his plan. The Edgerton Women’s Health Center does give counseling to urped women, but it doesn’t perform abortions. In fact, it doesn’t even give abortion referrals. It simply explains the various options to a pregnant woman. David has plenty of time to sort this all out, since he’s in a graybar on arson charges. The End is Here
As fun as this sounds it gets better. Some House of Yahweh adherents in a Kenyan village (Mauche) took this warning to heart and prepared accordingly. They constructed a series of underground bunkers, filled them with ample provisions then, wearing gas masks, gloves and long overcoats moved into the underground shelter to ride out the nuclear war between North Korea and the USA. When some pesky rational adult pointed out that September 12th passed without a nuclear war erupting, a spokesdolt for the village idiots blamed the delay on time zone differences. The leader of the Kenyan House of Yahweh groundhogs, Mosheh Sang, is convinced that he’ll have the last laugh on all those doubting Thomas twerps: "Those who have been doubting us will in hours be ashamed and if the effect of the war is not felt here, then let the police arrest us. We shall stay in the bunkers for a period of one year." Update: Kenyan officials are worried that this House of Yahweh frivolity will resolve itself in a deadly manner when the underground bunkers collapse due to water seepage weakening the walls. They’re staying close, but hoping the groundhogs come to their senses, unassisted. Sudsy Savior
The hucksters behind the ad insist that the goal is to stir up "thought and debate" among their targeted, youthful, audience. The usual suspects see no humor in the ad and worry that instead of creating discussion about faith issues it will drive the target audience to drink. This isn’t the first religious themed ad to raise eyebrows. In bygone years, CAN used a poster transforming the Cross Dude into Marxist revolutionary Che Guevara. Another year, CAN said the Cherry Mama was having a "bad hair day" when she found out she was urped. Big, big fun. Try that in the USA and the howls from the Cross Cult mob would be deafening. AUGUST 2006
Virgin Mary Tour Continues Source: PIG News Wire [08/31/06] The hardest working denizen of the celestial realm - the Virgin Mary - continues her U.S. tour this week with several more personal appearances. Last week, she had the News Nitwit tongues wagging when she magically, miraculously, appeared in the drippings from a chocolate machine in a Fountain Valley (Mexifornia) candy factory. Far from finished, she trekked down the interstate to a San Diego suburb called Grantville. This week after spending some quality time in Grantville she dazzled diners at a Souplantation restaurant with some arresting Cherry Mama imagery on a piece of wood paneling. If you think the hardest working woman in heaven is finished, get over it. The next tour stop was The Windy City where the Cherry Mama’s image appeared on the belly of a Chicago woman’s pet turtle. Again, we’re compelled to ask why this celestial trooper must continue to do all the heavy lifting on this personal appearance campaign? We find it very hard to believe that "the boys" are doing anything that cosmic. It’s time for Saint Pete and all the other Tome first stringers to put down the heavenly brewskies and get out there to do "their fair share". Give her a break, dudes. Finally, we have a stunning report from Lockport (New York) concerning a prolonged Cherry Mama sojourn. Antonia Filipertis insists that she’s not only seen the Cherry Mama, she’s carrying on conversations with her.
We don’t know how long the Cherry Mama plans to hang out in Lockport, but it might be a while. She asked 84 year old Antonia to "paint pictures of the tree". That might take some doing because Antonia’s hands aren’t as steady as they the were back in the day. PIG News will keep you updated on the Cherry Mama Tour as they occur. Stay tuned. TFV Targets Hotel Porn The usual Traditional Family Values suspects - Family Research Council, Concerned Women for America - think that hotels which offer porn flicks in their rooms are a threat to some-damn-thing. What to do? Publicize the names of hotels that are porn free zones? that too, but their initial response is to try and use the Nanny State’s monopoly on the use of force to coerce hotels into adhering to the TFV’s narrow, smugly sanctimonious views of morality.
When you cut through all this sanctimonious horse crap you get to this liberty-nuking nugget: "YOU must not be allowed to watch porn in your hotel room because it offends THEM." That might sound like inalienable individual liberty to you, but it sounds like Morality Nazi tyranny to this (allegedly) rational adult. For the final word on this matter, we’ll quote Hilton Hotel spokeswench, Kathy Shepard:
This is none of the Nanny State’s damn business, but don’t try to tell that to Tony "I’ll tell my big government daddy on you" Perkins. It would be a refreshing change if once - just once - Tony’s first impulse was to try persuasion instead of Nanny State coercion. Don’t hold your breath. TFV Targets "Nip Tuck" With An Advertiser Boycott "Nip Tuck" is, to say the least, "edgy" programming that resets the bar for prurient boob tube entertainment. Despite the fact that his show is on cable, and not the "public" airwaves, the Florida Family Association is outraged by the things that transpired on the August 12th episode:
PIG News has no problem with these TFV (Traditional Family Values) warriors for cable decency mounting a full-court press class boycott/letter writing campaign against the firms that advertise on "Nip Tuck". PIG does dare to ask the salient question: "If the show bugs the crap out of you, why don’t you switch to another channel?" Admittedly, we already know how they will answer, but it amuses us to ask anyway. The inevitable response will be some bloviating about "sending a message" to those who aid and abet such boob tube fare. If you take the time to dig through the spin, you’ll find that the simple fact that "Nip Tuck" exists is what outrages this decency-demented cabal. In case you wondered, "Nip Tuck" isn’t my idea of great entertainment, so when it’s on, I seek some boob tube amusement elsewhere. Solving this problem is a simple matter of "Stop your bellyaching and pick up the goddamn remote, Morality Nazi Sparky". If you’re terrified that the tykes might stray into the "Nip Tuck" zone, then it’s a simple matter to electronically erase that cable channel from your boob tube tuner. A Supernaturalism Triple! New Rosary True Believer Shrine The "pilgrims" making the trek to the shrine are convinced that the water has magical...spiritual...healing properties, so they catch some of it in bottles and take it home with them. Others dab themselves with it, believing that it will heal them - physically and spiritually. I'll forgo the requisite rational adult tantrum and simply deem this epic "no harm, no foul". Not Your Daddy's Cross Cultism A Brit padre, Rev. Ian Gregory is setting up a new Toll Booth in the unused chapel in Cheadle, Staffs (I'm guessing that Brits will have better luck decoding that location than I did). Rev. Gregory dubbed his new adventure in supernaturalism "Christianity without religion". According to the Telegraph story, 'out goes the "archaic mumbo-jumbo" of church services and the "silly arguments about things that don't and shouldn't matter"...' What, you ask, is this new Toll Booth going to do, without this mumbo-jumbo and silly arguments? The Telegraph shares these fun factoids:
Determined to cover all those supernaturalist bases, Rev. Gregory will also perpetrate "traditional" services on some Sundays complete with hymns, prayers, readings and discussions. Holy ATM's Batman! Painfully aware that in the so-called civilized world we are, increasingly, a cashless society, the Archdeacon proposes putting ATM machines in the Toll Booths under his control. At minimum, this would bring new individuals to the Toll Booth. Perhaps, they'll hang out a while after they get their cash infusion. But, this pagan skeptic smells a "one less excuse for not filling that collection plate" motive underlying this notion. Be that as it may, PIG News is insufferably smirky over this ATM in Toll Booths idea. Color us very damn amused. Iran's Religious Tolerance In Action An Iranian dude named Issa Motamadi's headlong descent into Iran's Mecca Maniac hell began with the birth of his son. The real fun began 7 months ago when the pinheads running that pesthole discovered that Issa's bride affixed a Christian name on her newborn son. Late last month - July 24th to be exact - Issa was arrested by the Mecca Maniac mutants for apostasy. Technically - per Iran's constitution - it's not illegal to harbor non-Islamic supernaturalist beliefs, but the zealots running this pesthole rarely let such trivia get in their way. The salient fact here is that Issa and his bride are both coverts to Cross Cultism and that's intolerable as far as scumbags like Iran's national Revolutionary Tribunal are concerned.
The usual "informed" sources predict that Issa's bride, Parvah, is next on the Iranian zealot hit list. The likely reason will be a trumped up drug charge. If anyone out there still thinks that inalienable individual liberty and Mecca Mania are compatible they're not paying attention. JULY 2006
America's Neo Puritans Source: PIG News Wire [07/27/06] Hooter Phobia "I was SHOCKED to see a giant breast on the cover of your magazine." If you're wondering how you missed this tend setting cover of 'Playboy', 'Hustler', or assorted other booty rags, we have some spiffy news for you. The magazine in question is a parenting magazine named "Babytalk" and the readership of this free publication is comprised of mothers of babies. If you're still plotting a Google search for this boob baring cover we're sympathetic, but urge you to chill until you get your Paul Harvey Moment and the rest of the story. The photo that has America's neo-puritans in a lather shows a baby and part of a woman's breast, in profile. If that's all it takes to catapult America's "youth" into a lifetime of sin, degradation and unrelenting carnality the problem isn't some image of a breast-feeding tyke. In such cases the problem begins - and ends - in the home where neo-puritan parents raise children who are utterly and completely unprepared to face objective reality. Strippers on the River
Substantiating his neo-puritan credentials, New Braunfels city councilpunk, Ken Valentine, spewed this prose about the stripper-enhanced river excursion: "I'm really disappointed that this is going to occur on Sunday when people should be in church. I hope they behave themselves and keep their clothes on, but I'm not sure they will because strippers are trained to take off their clothes." Rafting on a river is not our style, but we might learn to like it when strippers tag along. Bold new concept. Mexas' TABC Puritans The TABC's antics came to a screaming halt when a U.S. District Judge, Gray Miller, ruled that the TABC actions violated the First Amendment's free speech protections. In addition to ruling that the TABC can only seize materials after it has been declared obscene in a court of law, Judge Miller imposed a permanent injunction on the TABC:
Fear not puritan fans, this ruling can be scuttled in one of two ways: a ruling by a higher court; a revised law from the Mexas state legislature. Of the two possibilities, the latter is more likely to restore the puritanical norm to the Lone Star State. Atlanta Braves Sale Riles Up VRWC The Vast Right-Wingnut Conspiracy is shocked, dismayed and outraged that Time Warner might sell the Atlanta Braves baseball franchise to an outfit called Liberty Media. The usual TFV (traditional family values) suspects - James Dobson's Focus on the Family, Concerned Women for America and Georgia Family Council - are painting a "white collar pornographer" label on Liberty Media and its top dog, John Malone. Why? One of Liberty Media's many holdings is "On Command" an outfit that provides adult movies to willing customers in 3,300 hotels from sea to shining sea. Blundering into hyperbole overload, a Focus on the Family minion named Stephen Adams launched this stunner: "If this happens, what's to stop them from selling a team to Larry Flynt?" I'll pause to allow all of us ample time to contemplate the likely, too damn fun for words antics of a Flynt owned franchise...Ready to resume, Sparky? We'll seal the deal on this whining with one final fun fact: Time Warner, the Atlanta Braves current owner, also offers adult entertainment fare, including movies, through its nationwide cable empire. A Mecca Maniac Tolerance Adventure Understandably worried about the foaming at the mouth Mecca Maniacs now controlling the city, a Mogadishu denizen named Khadijo Weheliye played it safe. She went to the local Islamic court to get permission to have live music at her son's forthcoming wedding party. Everything seemed okey dokey after the Islamic court granted her the permission she sought. But, appearances, in this case, were deceiving:
When asked about this assault on what passes for individual liberty in Mecca Maniac dominated Mogadishu, Ali Salad, the head of Ridwan Islamic courts in Weheliye's neighborhood spewed this liberty-exterminating drivel:
This pagan scribbler is hard pressed to explain, how, or why, "band music" is "Satanic". Satanic musical instruments? I don't think so. On the other hand, certain musical instruments - the clarinet and the violin for example - can be classified as weapons of mass destruction when they fall into the hands of an enthusiastic, but tone deaf, young music student. Don't take my word for it, ask any parent whose offspring came home from school packing one of these pain-inducing devices. Crimestoppers of the Week A certain female Kiwi desperado cased her next victim and decided it looked like easy pickings. What could possibly go wrong when you break into the Nazareth House convent and lift a few worldly goods? It started off smoothly enough, allowing the lightly fingered wench to boost some wallets and personal property from unoccupied rooms. The plan - such as it was - hit a speed bump when some nuns confronted the desperado and tried to detain her. She trotted out her best escape mechanism - acting "agitated and violent" - but the nuns refused to "turn the other cheek". Instead, the nuns "restrained" the thief until the proper authorities came to take the wench into custody. The lord helps those who help themselves. PIGish Musings Sharia Comes to Somalia The Mecca Maniacs who took control of the Somali capital, Mogadishu - the Conservative Council of Islamic Courts - are conducting a seminar on why Islam and individual liberty are utterly and completely incompatible. First, they decreed that nobody within their sphere of control would be allowed to watch the World Cup games, a decree backed up by the murder of two World Cup fanatics by these Mecca Maniac mutants. Now, the top Mecca Maniac cleric in Mogadishu has decreed that everyone must pray five times a day, or they will be sentenced to death.
There's nothing like that "religion of peace" tolerance to put a smile on your face. JUNE 2006
Beards 101 Source: Golden Oinks 2006 [06/30/06] GLAAD BAAG Mecca Maniacs are, quite frankly, taking their lives in their hands. If their co-religionists find out about their differently-heterosexual antics, the best thing that might happen is a long stretch in a Mecca Maniac graybar. The worst? Achieving room temperature in some gruesome way at the hands of outraged Mecca Maniac alleged men. What to do? One answer is, to say the least, inspired. One dude placed the following advertisement on a cyberspace pitstop that caters to South Asian GLAAD BAAGs:
According to our news source, this GLAAD BAAG boy meets and marries GLAAD BAAG girl is viable option that is spanning the globe. You're free to say what you want about this trend, but PIG gives these Mecca Maniac GLAAD BAAGs props for their ingenuity. If you're having trouble with this one, we feel your pain, but, if GLAAD BAAGism is - as most Cross Cultists believe - a "choice", then this might be a win-win. It's as simple as "boy meets girl; boy acquires a 'beard' by marrying girl; boy eventually learns to appreciate what the girl has to offer; boy quits the GLAAD BAAG club". A pipe dream? Perhaps, but stranger things have happened. Spiffy Supernaturalism News Gendercrats Take Charge of Cross Cult Cabal
The good news - depending on your point of view - is that these Korrectnik alternative are, at this point, "suggestions":
The bad news is that nobody - PIG being the only exception - dared to think way outside the proverbial box and suggest something equally "rational" like: "Rock, Paper, Scissors", or "Groucho, Chico and Harpo". "Mother, Child and Womb"? What, exactly were they smoking at this Birmingham confab. Hindus Willfully Ignore Reality
Hindu Fundamentalists insist that these uncomfortable facts are a Hindu-bashing pack of lies. Nice try, but Delhi University history professor, Dwijendra Narayan Jha, enters these facts into the official record:
File this epic under "When the truth hurts, abolish it" in your PIG archives. Cultural Cleansing Cultural Cleansing - Domestic: With all the important Educrap issues in Kin-tucky resolved - the graduation rate at 100%, and every cess-school inmate acing his, her, hisher or its SAT's - the state's school board turned its attention to an unresolved issue that had the usual Cross Cult suspects in a lather. In April, the members of the state school board launched the state's TFV (Traditional Family Values) crowd into orbit when they voted to teach the state's government school inmates about an alternative calendar designator. That's right, true believer Sparky, they were going to poison these young minds with the dastardly secular "C.E" (Common Era) and "B.C.E." (Before Common Era). Horrified, Governor Ernie Fletcher - an ordained Baptist minister - appointed 6 new members to the state's school board. That explains, to our satisfaction, why the newly configured board dumped C.E. and B.C.E. with a 10-0 vote. Billy-Bob still can't read in Kin-tucky, but if he could read he wouldn't have his mind, uh, poisoned, with Satanic tripe like C.E. and B.C.E. Cultural Cleansing - Foreign: India continues to cement it's number one position on PIG's Top Ten Wingnut Countries list, but we're not complaining because we love this stuff. This time out, an Indian state, Madhya Pradesh, decreed that henceforth and forevermore two dastardly nursery rhymes will be expunged from the state's primary: "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star", "Baa Baa Black Sheep". We know what you're thinking and we agree: it's utterly asinine. Don't bother trying to find some deep, dark twisted India-bashing meaning in the two nursery rhymes, because the reason behind this crap isn't that complicated. Despite - or because of - the popularity with Indian tykes of the banned nursery rhymes, they are black flagged because they're "too Western". Cultural Cleansing - Mecca Maniac: This week, the Jihadikaze thugs who control most of Sudan thrilled what passes for rational adults in Sudan when they barred residents from watching the World Cup games. Sudan's new Mecca Maniac masters consider the World Cup culturally uncool because it's much too infidel, and might defile Sudan's denizens with World Cup broadcasts that are steeped in "pornography, drug dealing and all forms of evil". Given a buildup like that - "porn", "drug dealing", "evil" - we're forced to wonder why the World Cup isn't number one with a bullet in the USA. If the Jihadikaze pinheads hate it that much, maybe, just maybe the World Cup is worth a second chance. It Seemed Spiffy, At The Time For reasons that probably seemed spiffy to some-damn-body, a self-defined atheist named Hemant Mehta decided to rake in some badly needed cash by auctioning off his soul to the highest bidder. When some Great Northwest Nitwit Cross Cultists in a Washington toll booth won Hemant's soul in a spirited eBay sale, they struck a bargain with the DePaul graduate student. In exchange for their $504 - which Hemant donated to charity - the church asked Hemant to visit 9 churches in the Chicago area. After each visit, he posts a report of his Cross Cultist encounter on an Internet site. His most recent Toll Booth encounter featured Hemant discussing topics like evolution, intelligent design, gay rights, heaven and hell with Windy City Toll Booth's pastor, Rev. Tim Harlow. Hemant is realistic enough to know he won't win any converts to atheism, but he does nurture a flicker of hope that the true believers he encounters will earn him a measure of respect. Hope springs eternal, even in the Windy City. So be it. Supernaturalism News Nuggets The Dutch Pray-A-Thon Despite the Devil's best laid plans, the infamous Anti Christ was a no-show on the beastly numbered day, 06-06-06. For those who wonder why this eagerly anticipated - and dreaded - arrival didn't happen, PIG News has one possible answer. A Netherlands based Evangelical cabal - Ambassadors Ministries - organized a 21 nation, 24-hour prayer vigil to defeat the Satanic plot scheduled to unfold on "Devil's Day". The vigil started at (1600 GMT) Monday and continued unabated for the next 24 hours. Did these Dutch Cross Cultists save the day? We'll let you decide that one for yourself, PIGsters. Gulag Mecca Maniacs Strive for Gender Enlightenment Predictably, some of the Mecca Maniac (alleged) men found this change disturbing. They worry that being able to see the women invites "temptation". Bold new concept. Would it be audacious of us to suggest that the Imam's next chat with the faithful teach these cringing "I can see her" so-called men the basics of self-control? Probably, but we can live with that. Isn't it about time that Mecca Maniac men got up to speed on the fact that at least half the world's population is - gasp - female? Will this unscheduled header into 21st century reality destroy Mecca Mania? It's too soon to tell, but stranger things have happened. Toll Booth Tracts Look Like Greenbacks As expected, the feds won this tussle and impounded all the funny money supernaturalism tracts. According to our news sources, that ends the matter since no charges were filed against the Toll Booth. A Self-Made Supernaturalist Hell When a Mexas dude and his bride joined a Dallas Toll Both named Watermark Community Church, they agreed, in writing, to "submit themselves to the care and correction of the Board of Elders". In essence, should the couple stray off the highway to heaven, the church was authorized, by the couple, to take the necessary steps to put them back on the path. Big, fun, but we're just getting started. Although the relevant individuals differ on the particulars, all agree that the church authorities were eventually informed that the husband - Mr. Doe, since his name is being withheld - was carrying on a extramarital affair with a wench they choose to call "Ms. Roe". When Watermark's senior pastor, Todd Wagner, got into the picture, he initiated the "care and correction" process. It began when, during a church meeting, he asked Watermark's true believer to pray that Joe Doe and his bride would reconcile. Next, Rev. Wagner asked Mrs. Doe to confront her errant hubby with 14 of their 'close Christian friends'. To facilitate this confrontation, Rev. Wagner sent letters to the 14 selected Cross Cultists, telling them about the situation and asking them to attend this meeting. When John Doe refused to play bull's-eye at this meeting, Rev. Wagner fired a warning shot across Mr. Doe's bow with a letter that stated Rev. Wagner's plan to contact Mr. Doe's extramarital playmate. The letter went on to warn this horndog that the 14 Cross Cultists invited to the "repent, sinner" meeting would be informed of Mr. Doe's refusal to attend the meeting. If that wasn't enough to bring Mr. Doe into compliance, Rev. Wagner threatened to rat Mr. Doe out to a National Cross Cult organization on which he was a board member. After Mr. Doe resigned from the board of the national organization, Rev. Wagner Emerilized his tactics, big time. Rev. Wagner contacted Ms. Roe - she's not a Watermark member - and told her to tell her own pastor and/or her boss about her affair with Mr. Doe. If she refused to comply, Rev. Wagner warned her that he would call her pastor if she didn't. He made life doubly thrilling for her with a vow to rat her out to her employer. Up to here with Watermark and its antics, Mr. Doe tried to quit the church, but Watermark refused to accept it. They warned Mr. Doe that they'd continue their efforts to save him from his sinful nature by any means necessary. That included, telling his employer, and the world, about Mr. Doe's affair. That's when John Doe went secular and filed a lawsuit against the church. For a while, he got a temporary restraining order but a higher court nuked that. Mr. Doe has filed an appeal and, until that's settled, Watermark is holding back on its threats to tell the world about John Doe's sins of the flesh. Normally, this is the point where this pagan would excoriate this Toll Booth for its over the top antics. Normally, but I'm not going there, this time around. Admittedly, I think ratting out a non member - Ms. Roe - to her boss is a major league scumbag thing to do. On the other hand, Mr. Doe volunteered, in writing, for this public and private abuse at Watermark's hands so he has only himself to blame for his plight. Cross Cult Daily Double Old Ka-Boom Sends Instant Message A Date Like No Other? Melissa's panic isn't helped by the fact that she's a huge "Omen" fan and is looking forward to the remake due out on - heavenly trumpet fanfare - 6/06/06. Normally we'd prescribe shock treatments and the usual sanity-restoring medication, but since Melissa is urped, that's a non-starter. We're forced to fall back on the tried and true "Get over it" and hope that it's enough. MAY 2006
Cross Cult Terrorist? Source: First Coast News [05/29/06] The denizens of Waldo (Florida) did everything they could to stop a capitalist from opening an adult bookstore named "Café Risque" along US 301, but their protests and prayer vigils failed to get the job done. At least one true believer refused to let this den of sin open in Waldo so he, she, heshe or it, decided to Emerilize the effort to close the store. Kicking it up several notches, this unidentified true believer attached at device that pumped a caustic agent into the adult entertainment emporium:
The perpetrator is, as we stated, still at large, but he, she, heshe or it is facing some serious time in a graybar. Among other things this Cross Cult terrorist will be repaying the $15,000 clean up costs, faces "hundreds of thousands of dollars in fines" and qualifies for a 30 year graybar stretch since the device is, under Florida law a "weapon of mass destruction". Congratulations, Cross Cult Sparky, you just made the cut for a terrorism rap. The Cross Dude is Back? From our "for what it's worth" news desk, we bring you this epic about the Cross Dude's return. If you've been waiting for the Cross Dude's return, be advised that he's back, but he's not where you expect. This time around he's inhabiting the body of a woman, a Hindu woman named Katherine Jhawarelall. Proof? Katherine offers the following items to support her claim:
As expected, Katherine's claims thrilled her South African home boys and girls spitless. When word of her, uh, "identity" got out, she was labeled as "Satan" and received some death threats. Since she has a nodding acquaintance with reality, Katherine did the smart thing and moved to a new, seaside abode. If you crave a close, Cross Dude encounter, you need to book a flight to Durban, South Africa. Be there or be square. Religion of Peace Hot Air Hamed Al -Tamimi, director of inter-religious dialogue for the Palestinian Authority's Judicial Council Riad Jarjour, secretary general of the Middle-Eastern Churches Committee Hamas leader Mahmoud al-Zahar It is wrong to think that in our Islamic society there is a lack of rights for women. Women enjoy their rights. What we have, unlike the West, is that young women cannot be with men and have relations outside marriage. Sometimes with tens of men. This causes the destruction of the family institution and the fact that many kids come to the world without knowing who are their fathers or who are their mothers. This is not a modern and progressed society," Not On Our Dime, Cross Cult Sparky Tehama County (Mexifornia)
Daniel and his shysters are still considering their options. If they take this up the Federal Court Food Chain, we'll let you know. APRIL 2006
Supernaturalism In The News Source: PIG News Wire [04/17/06] Supreme Court Smites Jerry Falwell The first thing an errant visitor to this Jerry-bashing site sees are these warning words: "This Web site is NOT affiliated with Rev. Dr. Jerry Falwell or his ministry." Thus warned, if the Web surfer decides to read further, they're doing so with their eyes wide open. It's called free speech and it's something we PIG purveyors deem supremely spiffy. Here We Go Again
'Studi Cattolici' is the brainchild of Opus Dei, a group that achieved new - perhaps undeserved - infamy in Dan Brown's book 'The Da Vince Code'. After an initial response that amounted to the Italian equivalent of "bite me", the editor of this monthly magazine returned to reality with a new, conciliatory message for Mecca Maniacs:
Nice try dude, but the Jihadikazes will paint a "die you infidel dog" bull's-eye on you anyway. Twerpy Tommy Puts Scientology in the Crapper? The couch-jumping wingnut chickens came home to roost for Scientology's foremost spokesdolt in a recent CBS News poll and the news isn't spiffy for Twerpy Tommy Cruise. Thanks to Twerpy's incessant yammering, couch jumping and various other high profile antics, Scientology is held in lower esteem than Mecca Mania. Here are the spiffy facts on favorable ratings for various flavor of supernaturalism:
If you have Twerpy Tommy on speed dial, do PIG News a favor and share these thrilling poll numbers with him. Consider it a sacred PIGish duty, PIGster Sparky. "Stop Saying That" Bill Nye, educational television's "science guy" did a header into Cross Cult dogma during a speech he gave at Waco's (Mexas) McLennan Community College. His close encounter with literal Tome (PIG-speak for the Bible) interpretation started when he cited Genesis 1:16: "God made two great lights - the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars." Nye got an earful the moment he confronted this Tome prose with science. He started by noting that the "greater light" is just another star, and that the "lesser light" isn't a light source at all since the Moon only reflects light coming from the Sun. Faster than you can say "burn in hell, sinner" some audience members left in a huff. One irate woman shouted "We believe in God!" while she stormed out with her three tykes. It's a damn good thing he didn't venture into this dicey "the Earth isn't flat like the Tome says" area, or they might have burned Bill at the stake for heresy. Explaining a Cross Dude "Miracle" Don't be shocked if, any minute now, Pat Robertson beseeches Old Ka Boom to nail a Florida State University egghead named Doron Nof with a lightning bolt fusillade. After a detailed study of weather patterns and other relevant data, Professor Nof opined that the Cross Dude's walking on water exploits might have a scientific, utterly earthly, explanation. According to a soon to be extra crispy Professor Nof, a period of global cooling was still making life thrilling for the Middle East when the Cross Dude strolled atop the water. These conditions could lead to ice forming on the Sea of Galilee and that's what made the walking on water feat doable. Professor Nof is no stranger to the Cross Cult doghouse. In 1990 he offered a weather-related scientifically sound explanation for the parting of the Red Sea. It's safe to assume that the true believers who showered him with hate e-mail are getting hose PC's warmed up, at this very moment. Big, big fun. MARCH 2006
VRWC's Rising Star Source: PIG News Wire [03/28/06] If you're not familiar with the Rev. Rick Scarborough, you will be in the near future. Among other things, he's the founder of a Lufkin (Mexas) cabal called "Vision America". In bygone days, Rev. Scarborough was the pastor for The First Baptist Church in Pearland (Mexas). His primary claim to fame is that he's thisclose to Mexas Congressman Tom DeLay. At a recent Vision America confab, Rev. Scarborough laid this lofty praise on the embattled Mexas Congressman: "This is a man, I believe, God has appointed...to represent righteousness in government" (Houston Chronicle). Teamed up with such VRWC players as Phyllis Schlafly, Alan Keyes and Senator Sam Brownback, Rev. Scarborough is promoting a plan that could, if it gains traction, promote him in to the top echelon of Cross Cult padres. Patterned after 1994's "Contract with America", the new initiative is called the "Values Voters Contract". The Washington Times explained it this way:
Will Rick Scarborough achieve his goals and stand shoulder to shoulder with Cross Cult heavy hitters like Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell? Probably, because the current political environment with its mad scramble to replace W in the Oval Office come 2008 is made to order for someone with Scarborough's ambition. If you haven't added him to your "up and coming" roster, do it now. Pat Robertson Strikes Again Pat Robertson just Emerilized [kicked it up several notches] his inflammatory rhetoric when he aimed his fiery prose at Mecca Maniacs. Apparently trading verbal jabs with Hugo Chavez lost some of its charm, so Televangelist Pat decided to pick on somebody who will make his life thrilling. This pagan scribbler predicts that Pat is going to get all the thrills he can handle, and then some. For those who keep score on such things, here's the soon to be legendary Pat prose:
"Motivated by a demonic power?" "Satanic?" I doubt it, but he's got the "world domination" part right. Any rational adult would simply consider the source and shrug it off as another instance of Pat putting his brain in neutral while he runs off at the mouth. But nobody in their right mind would call a Jihadikaze "rational". Ironically, the first person out of the box with a "shame on you, Pat" comment is Mister Separation of Church and State himself, Rev. Barry W. Lynn:
Barry needs to lighten up, because this latest Pat Robertson outburst promises to be big time fun. The most interesting tidbit we found on this story concerns how Pat's minions are handling his outburst. For that juicy tidbit I'll let the Seattle Post-Intelligencer do the heavy lifting:
Nice try, darlin, but the Jihadikaze's can detect in "insult to Islam" at intergalactic distances. When the big, Jihadikaze fun starts, you should seriously consider asking Pat for a raise, because you know he'll dispatch you to deal with those rampaging Mecca Maniac pinheads. Exposing Mecca Mania's Dark Underbelly Refusing to pull her punches, a brave woman risking the deadly wrath of the Mecca Maniacs who have twisted her supernaturalism into something ugly, angry, and mired in 7th century irrationality. Dr. Wafa Sultan gave all those who saw her televised Al Jazeera interview, plus the million (minimum) who viewed the interview on the Internet, a badly needed reality check.
Branded a heretic, and subjected to death threats from "religion of peace" scumbags, Dr. Sultan is continuing her quest to expose Islam's dark underbelly. She's currently working on a book titled "The Escaped Prisoner: When God Is a Monster". We look forward to reading it when she's finished with it, if, as the N.Y. Times hints, she can find a publisher with the nads to put it into print. We salute Dr. Sultan as an especially brave woman who is courageous enough to take on "the religion of peace". We wish her well and hope she manages to do what seems impossible: drag Mecca Mania into the 21st Century. Another Cross Dude Personal Appearance This week, the Cross Dude gave his celebrated mother another break from her full to bursting personal appearance schedule when he left his calling card in a Mexifornia dude's manicotti. The miraculous calling card emerged while Leo Williams was eating in an Italian eatery. Gazing with eager anticipation at his dinner, Leo was amazed when the Cross Dude's image appeared in a burnt portion of the cheese covering his pasta. Instantly, Leo went Cross Dude bonkers, showing the calling card to anyone and everyone in the place. After everyone had admired the calling card and several diners, including Leo, photographed it for posterity, our hero succumbed to more Earthly appetites and devoured the manicotti, including the celestial calling card. As thrilling as this is, it gets better. Leo swears that ingesting the Cross Dude calling card cured a digestive ailment that has made his life memorable, since birth. Government-Imposed "Morality" A Sunflower State morality mutant named Susan Hodle took one look at the Spencer's Gifts store in the Great Mall of the Great Planes and decided it was a porn shop that needed to be forcibly cleaned up via government edict. Thanks to this morality obsessed Harpy's relentless hounding, the Olathe City Council passed a new edict that makes 'it illegal to display to minors devices or material "designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs"...' (Kansas City Star). Did this unwarranted Nanny State intrusion into the marketplace satisfy Olathe's self appointed Mistress of Public Morality? Not a chance, Sparky. She's upset because, under the new rules, Spencer's can still sell "sex toys, adult games, books on sex and sexually-themed gag gifts". She demands that the store be declared an "adult business", because some tyke might see something that she has deems inappropriate. That's right PIGsters, she's being a morality-obsessed pain in the butt "for the children". Susan "Harpy" Hodle is just getting started. She plans to take her "Spencer's is Obscene" campaign around the Sunflower State, then nationwide. Susan "Harpy" Hodle is one of the reasons this Pagan scribbler changed the state's name from "Kansas" to "Puritanica". It's no accident that Susan Hodle comes from the same state that spawned Fred "I Hate All Homos" Phelps. FEBRUARY 2006
Cross Dude Sighting In Connecticut Source: AP [02/26/06] The Cross Cult's savior gave his overworked mom a break when he ventured forth to leave his calling card on a piece of sheet metal at Hardy's Hardware in Manchester, Connecticut. The close, Cross Dude, encounter started when an alert Hardy's worker, Thomas Haley, spotted the calling card while he was unloading some supplies. According to our hero, an oily stain in the sheet metal bears a striking resemblance to the Cross Dude.
And what, you ask, is Haley planning to do with this metallic Cross Dude calling card? He's doing what any 23 year old true believer would do. He's put it up for auction on e-bay. For those who obsess on such trivia, be advised that the "buy now" price was $10,000. At press time, the bidding has closed, so, if some PIGster knows the fate of this Cross Dude calling card, be a sport and give PIG News a heads-up. Putting Fred Phelps In His Place "The most important thing we can do is let families know that the nation cares. When a total stranger gets on a motorcycle in the middle of winter and drives 300 miles to hold a flag, that makes a powerful statement." (Don Woodrick, Captain of Kentucky's chapter of the Patriot Guard Riders) "This is just the right thing to do. This is something America didn’t do in the ’70s. Whether we agree with why we’re over there, these soldiers are dying to protect our freedoms." (Patriot Guard Riders national spokesman, Kurt Mayer) The 5,000 strong Patriot Guard Riders Motorcycle club is dedicated to shielding the families of our fallen warriors from those venom-spewing, America-hating scumbags from Kansas: Fred Phelps and the cretins who call themselves the Westboro Baptist Church. During a recent funeral for a fallen soldier at Fort Campbell (Kentucky), members of the Patriot Guard Riders stood outside in a freezing rain, drowning out the Westboro asshats with chants of "USA, USA". Many of the riders traveled 300 miles or more in the middle of winter to hold a flag and show support for a fallen soldier. Always sensitive to the fallen soldier's family, the Patriot Guard Riders never go to a funeral, unless they're invited. PIG salutes the Patriot Guard Riders their dedication to our fallen soldiers. We salute them for their determination to muffle the sanctimonious bovine excrement spewed by Fred Phelps and his supernaturalist cult. It's about time somebody put these Westboro Baptist scumbags in their place. We honor the Patriot Guard Riders for taking on this dirty, thankless job. Cartoon Jihad News Self Inflicted Wound Toon Tizzy at UNC-Chapel Hill Determined to test the "tolerance" of on-campus Mecca Maniacs, University of North Carolina-Chapel Hil's student fishwrap - The Daily Tar Heel - published it's own cartoon featuring the "religion of peace" prophet. The ink barely had time to dry when the Ivory Tower's Muslim Students Association were whining about the toon being "disrespectful", "racist", and blatant Mecca Maniac bashing "discrimination". Daily Tar Heel editor, Ryan Tuck, is willing to apologize to any individual who makes their boo-boo known to him, personally, but he's standing firm in his resolve to forego a blanket apology:
Ryan insists that he published his Muhammad toon to spark an on-campus dialog about the ongoing cartoon jihad. The campus Mecca Maniacs don't want to "discuss it", they want an abject apology from Ryan, and, if it's not too much trouble, his head on a platter. You can find the Ryan Tuck's toon here: Daily Tar Heel's Muhammad Toon "Tolerant", "Peace Loving" Mullahs Say "Kill Them"
There are times - this being a prime example - when being what passes for "civilized" is a pain in the butt. Invoking the Cross Cult's "an eye for an eye", we need to inflict a dose of bitter reality on anyone who sanctions murder by calling for a holy hit on another individual because he, she, heshe or it "insulted Islam". Perhaps its time to run this notion up the "payback's a bitch" flagpole: Any Mecca Maniac pinhead who solicits murder should be tracked down, rounded up, then offered a personal tour of that quirky electric chair Florida moth-balled, Old Sparky. It's not a perfect solution, but it's one worth considering. Would I cry if some deep pockets patriot offered to pay a differently-ethical individual for Mohammed Yousaf Qureshi's head on a platter? Nope. Would I pass the hat to fund it? Probably not, but it's a very tempting idea. Maybe, just maybe, we need to fight fire with fire and show these "death to the Infidel" what it's like to have some stranger put a hit on you for some utterly irrational reason. More Islamikaze Angst Brit Mecca Maniacs have their panties in a wad because an erotic toy outlet, Ann Summers, has a new anatomically correct inflatable doll named "Mustafa Shag". Why, you ask, does this give Mecca Maniacs a boo-boo? According to an angry rant from Manchester's Central Mosque, "Mustafa Shag" is Islamikaze uncool, because "Mustafa" is one of the names pinned on the Mecca Maniac prophet. The name affixed to this inflatable playmate inflicts "hurt", "anguish" and "disgust" on religion of peace adherents and must be changed, right damn now, the outraged Islamikazes wrote to the sex toy firm. At press time, the Ann Summers' capitalists are considering their options, but, according to the Independent, they really don't want to pull "Mustafa Shag" from the market. They might be willing to change the offending name if and/or when some clever devil comes up with a better name. Better name? Hmm. How about "Wang Dang Diddle"? Mother India, Au Natural Mecca Maniacs don't have a monopoly on pious outrage, thanks to one of India's best known paint splashers. Marching to the beat of a different drummer, Maqbool Fida Hussain decided to lend his support to Indian victims of last year's earthquake with a series of paintings that he'd auction off. So far, so good, but certain Hindu purists were far from thrilled spitless when they got an eyeful of a "Mother India" in all her naked glory:
According to thin-skinned dotheads, Maqbool's artwork is "offensive", "insulting" and gives hypersensitive Hindus a major boo-boo. Poor babies. So far, nobody has tried to set fire to our hero, but some Hindu purists did lodge a complaint with the cops demanding that Maqbool be thrown into the slammer. It probably doesn't help matters that this Hindu "abusing" artist is a Muslim. Fear not, artistic license Sparky. Maqbool didn't get to be a vigorous 90 years young without learning a trick or two. Pinhead Thinks Muslim Women Should be Second Class Citizens The general secretary of All India Muslim Personal Law Board (AIMPLB), Maulana Syed Nizamuddin, wants the Indian government to repeal the equal protection that Mecca Maniac women now enjoy under article 44 of the Indian Constitution. He thinks that It's utterly unacceptable to allow them to live their own lives instead of forcing them to seek assistance from female-phobic clowns like Maulana:
Add this to your crammed to overflowing "why Islam and inalienable individual liberty can't coexist" file. JANUARY 2006
Big Fun In The Heart of Dixie Source: Clark County Democrat (Grove Hill, AL) [01/20/06] This adventure begins simply enough when a Grove Hill (Alabama) cop - Deputy Hubert Finch - executed a show cause warrant and arrested Sharon Denise Jamison. The bovine excrement hit the proverbial cooling device when Sharon's employer - she's secretary for the Miracle of Prayer Church in Grove Hill - the Prophet Ron Williams showed up at the graybar to demand Sharon's immediate release. Chief Deputy Donnie Arnold picks up the story at this point:
The Prophet cursed out Deputy Finch and started calling members of his congregation. To handle the ensuing "let my people go" emergency, Deputy Finch called for back-up. By the time the help arrived, the police parking lot was jammed with the Prophet's flock. Finch called Chief Deputy Arnold for instructions:
The thrilling climax that landed the Prophet squarely in the Twilight Zone happened after the cops warned him to leave or he'd be arrested. Brandishing his cell phone, Prophet Williams uttered these jaw dropping words:
The Prophet is out of the slammer, after posting a $3,000 bond for inciting a riot and resisting arrest. His flock insists that Sharon's - Melanin-Enriched by reason of birth - arrest and everything that followed is blatant racism. None of them mentions the fact that the arresting officer, Deputy Finch is also Melanin-enriched, as is Chief Deputy Arnold. Why is it that whenever someone arrests the properly-hyphenated it's invariably, deemed "racism"? We don't know, but it seems to be the favorite gambit in the Ethnocrat playbook. Afterthoughts: PIG News is still investigating how, exactly, the Prophet reached Johnny "If he Glove Don't Fit, You Must Acquit" Cochran in the hereafter. If you have any printable ideas on this subject, we' love to hear them. Intelligent Design in The Bull's-Eye It's no longer "stop the presses" time when somebody takes a swipe at Intelligent Design (Creationism in a wig, beard and lab coat), but this week, I.D. is taking some hits from unexpected directions. For starters, one the primary promoters of this 21st Century spin on Creationism - the Seattle-based Discovery Institute - came out against a rural Mexifornia cess-school's blatant attempt to shoehorn I.D. into the government school system. The course is called "Philosophy of Design" and it elicited this quote from the Discovery institute's lawyer during an appearance before the El Tejon Unified School District Board:
After Kin-tucky Governor Ernie Fletcher opined that Intelligent Design belonged in the state's government cess-schools, a Louisville Toll Booth - the Broadway Baptist Church - hosted a panel discussion on Intelligent Design. PIG is more than a tad shocked to learn that the Toll Booth's pastor, Reverend Chris Caldwell, isn't thrilled spitless about teaching Intelligent Design in the government's schools:
Finally, there are some carefully crafted words from the official Vatican fishwrap concerning the court ruling in Pennsylvania that nuked teaching I.D. in biology classes:
This culture war tussle is just getting started, so stay tuned to PIG for all the those "thrill you right out of your socks" details. Israel Bitch-Slaps Pat Robertson Supernaturalist Smiter Emeritus, Pat Robertson, didn't back down when Israeli officials, the White House, and countless rational adults busted his chops over his "Ariel Sharon got what he deserved" hyperbole. Convinced that he was on firm, Cross Cult scripture grounds, he steadfastly ignored the criticism, until the Israeli government hit him in the wallet. The bovine excrement hit the proverbial cooling device when Israel's Tourism Ministry specifically banned Robertson from an enriching Christian Theme park project in Galilee.
Translation: Take your $50 million dollars and stick it, Pat. Letting his Earthly concerns override his Cross Cultism, Pat got furtive and girlie then spewed this mea culpa:
PIG News cut Pat a little slack, when he spewed his "Sharon got was he deserved" prose, because Pat insisted he was on solid, Biblical ground. Right or wrong, he had the courage of his convictions. Alas, Pat is merely mortal with feet of clay, so he tried to salvage his Holy Land theme park. So be it. Gotcha! An Oklahoma City Cross Cult professional whose sermons, routinely, paint a bull's-eye on the differently-heterosexual is frantically trying to explain why he just got arrested for soliciting an undercover male police officer for some man-to-man sex. Rev. Lonnie Latham's initial response is a classic: "I was set up. I was in the area pastoring to the police." Pastoring? Is that what closet bun rangers call it these days? As fun as this is, it could be much more thrilling, but neither Rev. Latham, nor his Southern Baptist Convention superiors want to discuss it. We're bummed, of course, but coping as best we can. Hal Lindsey Tells TBN To Take A Hike After TBN suspended Hal Lindsey's "The International Intelligence Briefing" for six weeks, Hal decided to pick up his prophetic toys and find a more enlightened media outlet. This parting of the ways stems from Hal's refusal to pull his punches when it comes to discussing militant Islam. Getting real about Islamikazes, it seems, is unacceptable to the theological lightweights running TBN. They're down with anybody who wants to vilify secularists, atheists, evolutionists, devil worshiping pagans and assorted other non-believers. But, don't you dare think about getting too real about Islam and those who practice it. Political correctness is alive and well at Trinity Broadcasting Network. Film at eleven! Hal's a big boy, so he refrained from doing the human thing and issuing a non-negotiable "bite me". Instead, he's set to launch a new show, 'The Hal Lindsey Report', in February. If you don't get his new show in your area, it's also available on Hal's website. Be there or be square. DECEMBER 2005
Divine Retribution? Source: PIG News Wire [12/24] An Indonesian Mecca Maniac, Sharia Judge Marluddin Jalil, is a relentlessly fun guy who, in addition to having a weird name, is convinced that the Mecca Maniac deity caused last year's tsunami because certain Indonesian women refuse to wear head scarves. Determined to forestall any future punitive antics by his deity, our hero uses his religious police, the Wilayatul Hisbah, to make sure that women tow the line. Am I the only one who thinks that Indonesia sounds like non-stop fun? Patterned after the Sand Box's religious police, these pious Indonesian thugs roam hither and yon looking for young women consorting - in public - with, gasp, young men and/or going out without a head scarf. Women caught without the head scarf have their heads shaved and are "paraded around town" while these heros use bullhorns to humiliate them publically. Other items on Mr. Jalil's agenda are: closing certain places where young men and young women meet; shut down gambling dens; put adult beverage purveyors out of business; outlaw assorted other things that make life tolerable for people who wish that this pious wingnut would leave them the hell alone. Raiding The Collection Plate Although, like most Cross Cultists, Colleen Lacombe, trusted that in exchange for her unwavering faith "the Lord would provide", she got a tad impatient. Unwilling to wait for "the fullness of time" to transpire, Colleen helped herself to $325,000 between 2000 and 2005 while she "handled" finances for the First Church of Lansdowne (Pennsylvania). Without going through the usual "ask and you shall receive" ritual, Colleen used a larcenous shortcut to finance a plush new lake shore home, plus a new set of sweater puppies. Although Colleen has pledged to make restitution, we're left to wonder if that includes shedding her high tech, uh, headlights. Not Your Usual "Hate" Crime After a major whiz-a-thon over allowing some residents of the Cascades community in Port S. Lucie (Florida) to place a nativity scene in the Cascades community clubhouse, calmer minds prevailed. Finally, the manger scene took it's place next to a Menorah and a Christmas tree. Happily ever after? Get a grip, Sparky. Sometime during the dead of night, some dastardly pranksters stole the baby Jesus, then rearranged the other figurines to make it look like one of the Wise Men was worshiping a sheep. That's when some hypersensitive pinhead Emerilized this stunt into a "hate crime":
A hate crime for stealing a 3-inch porcelain figurine of the swaddled Cross Dude? This larceny might be a lot of things, but a hate crime? I way don't think so, Tim. Mithra Wants His Day Back, And So Do I Despite its name, Christmas is, in fact, a pagan holiday which was co-opted by the Cross Cultists in the era of the Roman Empire. No doubt this is a revelation to many of you, so, with all due apologies, I'm forced to cite some facts. Hopefully, the following doses of objective reality won't cause PIG's true believer readership any undue stress:
Since I'm that kind of pagan, I'm willing to overlook the outright theft of this important pagan feast by fourth century Cross Cultists. Since this unspeakable crime took place 17 centuries ago, I'm willing to go out on a limb and opine that the statute of limitations ran out on this grand larceny a long time ago. As much as I'd like to restore Mithra to his rightful place on December 25, I'll let that slide for another year. But, it would be nice if PIG's Cross Cult readers would at least try to meet me halfway. Mithra's birthday is a mere 20 days away. Since I am, quite graciously, overlooking your theft of this important pagan feast day, I'm sure you'll want to do something to make sure that Mithra's birthday is an especially happy one. That brings us to the eternal question: what can you give a 5,000,000,000 year old celestial body (the Sun) and how in the hell am I going to put 5,000,000,000 candles on a single birthday cake, without burning the house down? While you're pondering this burning question and wrestling with the guilt you share for this 17 centuries old thievery, do me a favor and have a Merry Christmas. It's A Plot "We face a better-financed, more sophisticated, coordinated, unified, energized and organized coalition of groups in opposition to our policy positions on church-state separation than ever before. Their goal is to implement their Christian worldview. To Christianize America. To save us....This issue is serious enough for us to develop a strategy, and, clearly, our first task is to win the support of the American public. "We also need to come together with other Jewish organizations...and to find allies beyond our community." (Abraham Foxman, National Director of the Anti-Defamation League) "We understand those who believe that the Bible opposes gay marriage, even though we read that text in a very different way. We cannot forget that when Hitler came to power in 1933, one of the first things that he did was ban gay organizations." (Rabbi Eric Yoffie, president of the Union for Reform Judaism) "It's absolutely an issue. [The religious right isn't] using outright violence themselves. But they are one step down from people who are ready to use the coercive powers of the state to impose their own religious outlook." ( Rabbi Arthur Waskow, director of the Shalom Center in Philadelphia as quoted by the Washington Times) For those keeping score, the three individuals I just cited are alarmed about the antics perpetrated by Cross Cult cabals like James Dobson's Focus on the Family, the Alliance Defense Fund, the Family Research Council and Don Wildmon's American Family Association. Are these groups seeking to impose a Taliban-class theocracy on Amerika? The aforementioned worrywarts seem to think so. |
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