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PIG NEWS DIGEST | INTELLECTUAL FLATLINERS | CRIMINAL STUPIDITY
| DARWINIAN JUSTICE
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DECEMBER 2005
Dimwitted Desperados
Source: Hampton Roads Virginian-Pilot [12/30] The plan went exactly as planned, with one pesky exception. The two Kraut desperados spotted the courier, gave chase, then finally forced him off the road. While one desperado kept the courier covered, the other forced open the trunk of the courier's car and grabbed a case that contained their ill gotten gains. After making good their escape, the smug desperados got a nasty little shock. Instead of bagging the suitcase full of cash the courier was transporting, they got the courier's first aid kit. Johann Steinlitz a spokesdude for the Gronau, Germany P.D. nailed it with this telling prose: "If there was an award for the dumbest crooks they would certainly be in the running." Truer words, PIGsters, truer words. Adventures in Driving - Daily Double Splashdown!
Since this entire driving adventure from engine start to splashdown occurred on private property, no charges where filed. At press time, the car's rightful owner still doesn't want to talk about it. I'm guessing that he, she, heshe or it didn't impose the never fails "you break it, you buy it" admonition on the Great Northwest Nitwit who drove his ride into the Condo's swimming pool. Sometimes They Drive Themselves
Deeming the accident "no harm, no foul", the proper authorities didn't ticket this fool. PIG News doubts that his insurance carrier will be as cooperative. Do we really need to tell you, "Don't try this at home"? Probably not, but consider yourself so warned, anyway. Golden D'Oh Candidate A cop killing rat bastard named Robert Bailey found out the hard way, that it's never a nifty idea to shoot off your mouth while you're in the slammer. Too smug for his own good, this murdering fool ratted himself out during a phone call to a pal named John Braz:
Dumber than a box of rocks? Yup, but that proves - according to his public defender, Walter Smith - that our hero really is nuts. Why? Because, only somebody who is crazy and/or retarded would think that he's fooling the cops for one instance with his "I'm nuts" claim. Making this doubly thrilling is this goodie: He's got his head up his ass when it comes to Florida law. After 4 years in the loony bin without a trial, the proper authorities can drop the charges and send him for "extended treatment". But, should he ever find his mental marbles, they get to reinstate the charges and convict his murdering rat bastard ass. Under normal circumstances stampeding stupidity isn't a capital offence, but, in Robert Bailey's case, PIG News is willing to make an exception. We think they should bring Florida's Old Sparky out of retirement, strap Robert in, and let her rip. Have You Ever Had One of Those Days? Selling shoes door to door can't be a walk in the park, but for one Tar Heel State shoe wrangler, his profession took him deep into the Twilight Zone. His day started going to crap when he stopped at a house:
At press time, Greensboro authorities are still trying to sort out what crimes were committed and who needs to be charged. Making A Vivid Impression An 18-year-old Empire State wingnut named Scott Carr decided to make his return visit to his alma mater, Carthage Central High, memorable earlier this week. Shedding his togs, he streaked through those hallowed Carthage Central High halls, stark damn naked, before running out of the building to search for his sanity. The stunt worked like a champ, up to a point, but it did have a couple pesky flaws. For starters, several school employees spotted him. Better still, the school's security cameras recorded his stunt for posterity. Despite the fact that Scott showed his alma mater a whole new side of his, uh, personality, school officials had no problem identifying him. Book 'em, Dano. Larcenous-Interruptus Double-Header Modesto (Mexifornia)
Far from finished, Edward chased the suspect into a nearby parking lot where the perp tried and failed to get into a van. Leaving nothing to chance, Edward used his cell phone camera to snap the van's license plate. Resuming his pursuit, Edward chased the perp hither and yon, but despite Edward's efforts the scumbag finally managed to get into his getaway ride. Determined to make a lasting impression, Edward shattered the van's driver's side window with a rock. Thanks to Edward's tireless pursuit and aided by the license plate he photographed, the perp is getting a badly needed rest as a guest in the local graybar hotel. Milwaukee (Wisconsin) Missing In Action Bad: Having your car - a 2001 Ford Crown Victoria - stolen from the same parking lot, twice, in less than a month. Devilish Details: The parking lot belongs to the Orange County (Mexifornia) Sheriff's Department. That's right, grand theft auto fans, the missing in action ride is - drum roll - an unmarked cop car. Darwinian Justice Denied A 16 year old future chad puncher named Jose Delgado demonstrated his future Florida Voter credentials when he managed to shot himself without using a firearm. His brush with richly deserved Darwinian retribution started when he found a .45 caliber bullet in his back yard. After toying with the bullet, his lone functional synapse miss-fired and the rest as they say, is history. This errant synapse linked him to a seldom used portion of the human brain: the portion that says, use a hammer and a screwdriver to hit the back of the live round and see what happens. Big, big fun. Faster than you can say "ka-blam", our human gene pool volunteer gave himself a gunshot wound in the abdomen. Although this wound isn't fatal, PIG feels safe in predicting a room temperature transition in Jose's future, any damn day now. Mark this one as "imminent" in you human gene pool improvement archives. Deal This Desperado Out A Mexifornia desperado's 17 bank, 21 month long crime spree came to an unlikely halt in an even more unlikely place, when that fickle wench, Lady Luck, turned her back on him. Edmond Sykes' luck veered onto a crapper-bound heading during his November 25 bank heist when an alert employee wrote down the license number and a description of his getaway ride. His luck held, temporarily, because he moved to new digs, shortly before the FBI arrived at his old digs. The ensuing search for him came up empty, until his luck took another nasty turn, this week. Proving that timing is everything, Edmond was trying his luck at poker in the Commerce Casino when an FBI agent showed up to pass out flyers with Edmonds mug shot on them. Thanks to a very smirky Lady Luck, the alert agent spotted Edmond seated at a nearby table. Luring him into a private poker room, the FBI agent and casino security bagged him. According to our top secret news sources, the FBI was betting on Edmonds well-documented gambling habit when it started passing out flyers at the local card clubs. Book 'em, Dano. A Golden D'oh Contender From our "it seemed like a spiffy idea" desk, we bring you this cautionary tale about the dark underbelly of love blinders. Determined to get all his ducks lined up, David Link got ready for his forthcoming divorce, by deeding his 'extra' house over to his girlfriend, Cheri Wayman. His plan had him moving into the aforementioned abode with Cheri, once he initiated divorce proceedings a few months hence. His ladylove had her own idea on the subject. What ideas? David's trek to lovenest bliss careened off happily ever after highway when Cheri changed the locks to her new abode, the instant she moved into it. It seems safe to assume that the romance cooled considerably thereafter. Freed from love's blinders, David sued to get his abode back, and, believe it or not, his soon to be ex-wife joined him in this effort. The house, she insists, is community property and she wants her cut. At press time, Cheri is still prevailing, but the outcome to this epic of love gone wrong still hangs in the balance. A Terrors of Technology Epic Alarmed when a motorist kept punching the OnStar button but wouldn't respond to her urgent inquiries, a Wolverine State OnStar advisor decided to err on the side of caution, so she alerted Isabella County Central Dispatch. With OnStar's onboard GPS gear telling him the exact location of the Cadillac Escalade, Michigan State Trooper Scott Taylor quickly tracked down the vehicle. The real fun started when Trooper Taylor got up close and personal with the car's occupants. The car's owner, Denis Grant, told Trooper Taylor that he asked his friend Brent Farmer to drive, because Denis knew he was too drunk to safely drive his ride home. You don't need to wait for the Breathalyzer results to verify Denis's sobriety, because, among other things, designated driver Brent - he pegged the meter with a .30 blood-alcohol content - had two prior drunk driving convictions, and got his driving privileges yanked. Only a potted Denis would hand his car keys to Brent "unsafe at any speed" Farmer. Wolverine State motorists probably won't need to worry about encountering designated driver Brent Farmer any time soon, because he racked up an impressive list of charges: drunk driving, driving on a revoked or denied license, having an open container of alcohol in the car, plus resisting and/or obstructing police. And why, you ask, did they hit the OnStar button repeatedly? Which part of "drunk as a skunk" didn't you understand, adult beverage polluted Sparky? A Crime Cliche Epic The crime went like clockwork when the masked, Southern-Fried desperado brandished his gun at a Residence Inn desk clerk then made off with the hotel's cash. It was during the escape phase of the operation that the caper started to unravel. First, the desperado dropped his gun, but his improbable antics didn't stop there. Ten minutes later, after the relevant justice system authorities were on the scene, his getaway ride was spotted in the hotel's parking lot. That's right, our hero, John "Fumble Fingers" Sweat, perpetrated that time-worn desperado cliche and returned to the scene of the crime to fetch his misplaced firearm. Hilton Head Island denizens will be thrilled to learn that the men in blue bagged John, John's accomplice and the wayward gun in the getaway ride, before they could escape. At press time, John is a graybar guest facing armed robbery and unlawful firearm possession charges. Book 'em Dano. Stupidity on Steroids A woman found out the hard way, that greedy and stupid can be an impoverishing combination. The fun started when she encountered a woman in a Wal-Mart parking lot. The stranger showed our heroine a wad of money - $8,000 in all - and complained that the serial numbers bugged her so majorly that she'd gladly exchange her $8,000 for $6,000 to get rid of those annoyingly serial numbered bills. Any rational adult would smell a ripoff in a heartbeat, but not our heroine. Instead of running for her life, she went to her bank with the strange woman and the stranger's male companion, where she withdrew $6,000 from her account. The instant she and her new pals left the bank, our heroine handed over her $6,000, after which the two grifters walked off leaving her empty handed. How dumb does somebody need to be, to let herself get taken like this? Very, and that's a fact. We're trying, without measurable success, to muster some outrage over this blatant criminality. Call us names if you must, but our heroine got what she deserved for being greedy and breathtakingly stupid. NOVEMBER 2005
Turkey Fryer Triple Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [11/26] Macon (Georgia) The ultimate irony of this epic is the fact that Brance was turned down by the local fire department, twice, when he applied for a firefighter job. Maybe the Macon-Bibb County Fire Department should take a long hard look at their hiring criteria, because PIG thinks Brance has the right stuff. Chicago (Illinois) Keizer (Oregon) Fortunately, the home owner got off easily, with a mere $2,000 worth of damage. Intellectual Flat-Liner Adventures Fire In the Hole The fun started when the inspectors asked if the club's decorations met fire safety rules. Assuring them that they were fire safety cool, club owner Benedict Frank set fire to one of the paper ornaments and before you could say "inferno" Mr. Frank's Cabaret Club was transformed into a pile of smoldering ashes. Mistaken Identity The Tattletale Printer Caper After a three month investigation by the Secret Service and the Marcopa County (Arizona) Sheriff's Office, the authorities finally caught a break and bagged a counterfeit ring that passed 10% of the bad money showing up in the Grand Canyon State. The critical break came when an essential piece of counterfeiting gear - a printer - broke down during a funny money run. Sending the printer to get repaired was not, in and of itself, a fatally-flawed idea, but somebody should have remembered to clean the phoney greenbacks out of the damn thing, first. Alerted by the repair shop, the police swooped in to impound bogus bills, narcotics, money-processing gear and a weapons cache. The initial arrest led them to two Wal-Mart employees who would accept the bogus cash which their cohorts used to buy big-ticket items. From there, the cohorts took the items to another Wal-Mart store where they returned the items in exchange for street legal cash. It all worked like gang busters - $160,000 worth - until that damn printer broke. At press time, the authorities have 10 suspects in custody on charges related to forgery, plus weapons and narcotics violations. While they're guests of the state, these desperados can ask themselves why they didn't destroy the broken printer and buy a new one. A Fool For A Client The timeless adage about a man who acts as his own attorney has a fool for a client was clearly demonstrated in Seattle when 24-year-old Meelesh Phadnis attempted to defend himself against charges that he murdered his parents in August 2002. Our hero's antics started early, when he accused a female officer who came to arrest him of being the devil incarnate. They continued when his defense tactics involved blaming the crime on anyone and everyone from plus-size Samoans to murderous transsexuals. Senior Deputy Prosecutor Don Raz summed up our hero's courtroom antics with these telling words:
For those taking notes here are the Cliff Notes on Neelesh's innovative defense:
You'll be thrilled to learn that the Washington jury convicted this fool after deliberating for a few short hours. It probably took them that long to stop laughing. A Dubious Desperado Decision Martha Byrum led Aspen police on a thrilling chase through the city's highways and byways, but, as is usually the case, she finally zigged when she should have zagged, allowing the forces of justice to corner her in an Aspen neighborhood. Still determined to elude her pursuers, Martha knocked on a nearby home's window, opened a sliding glass door and entered the abode. We're not sure what her plans included, but we do know that she asked the house's rightful owner Mary Ryerson, if she could use the toilet then make a phone call. She was still there when the cops caught up with her. The ultimate irony came to light when the cops told their quarry that Mary Ryerson is Aspen Police Chief Loren Ryeron's wife and the house Martha invaded belongs to the police chief. Bummer. As thrilling as this epic is, it's not quite finished. Martha tried to escape from the police cruiser two more times and finally got free a third time while the cops were liberating the coke, crack pipe and other drug paraphernalia from Martha's purse. The cops grabbed her a short distance away, then escorted her to the city lockup where she'll have plenty of time to compile the long list of the mistakes she made during this hot pursuit. Things That Go "Bump" San Clemente, Mexifornia The perpetrator is still at large, but he should be easy to spot. He's the dude with a safe tucked under his arm while his stomach growls out an insistent "feed me, dummy" message. Tabbataha Reef Marine Park, The Phillippines Making this epic doubly amusing is the thrilling fact that the Greenpeace punks were diving on the reef to document the ravages wrought on it by global warning. With the stellar exception of the damage their crappy navigating wreaked on the reef, the Greenpeace punks are chagrined to report that the reef appears to be healthy with no signs of the 'bleaching' believed to be caused by warming sea temperatures. Salt Lake City If you're not up to speed on these magic Mormon undies, here are the nifty knickers Cliff Notes:
Airman Howell is shocked, shocked, I tell you over this frontal assault on his supernaturalism, because the primary reason he became part of the U.S. Air Force was "to defend religion and freedom". Sometimes, life majorly sucks, Andrew, but fear not, your elected tormentor, U.S. Congressman Jim Matheson is "looking into your situation". And here you were worrying, needlessly. OCTOBER 2005
Holy Hindenburg Batman! Source: Boston Herald [10/22] A Peabody High School chemistry teacher made her class memorable when she, inadvertently, set off an explosion that sprayed the students in the class with hydrochloric acid and glass shards. The fun started during a lesson demonstrating how to create hydrogen gas by mixing zinc with the aforementioned hydrochloric acid in a beaker. It all went as planned, until the contents of the beaker exploded when the beaker strayed too close to a lit Bunsen Burner. Exposed to the flame, the contents of the beaker performed one of their prime functions. Ka-boom! Class excused and headed for the nurse's office. The Tattletale Hammer Caper Seventeen year old Ryan Swanson decided to celebrate his last night as a juvenile with his homeboy Derek Berndt by knocking over a local gas station/mini mart. This true crime adventure hit a speed bump when, early in the evening, our 'birthday boy', Ryan got another ticket for driving on a suspended license - his fifth and the second in the last 15 days for the same offense. This turn of events forced Ryan to cool his heels in the local lockup until his mom fetched him about 2am. Deprived of motorized transportation, the lads were forced to employ low tech rides: bicycles. Undeterred by Ryan's earlier justice system encounter, the lads peddled the five blocks from Ryan's abode to the Uni-Mart then gained access by pitching a small sledge hammer wrapped in a rag through the window. Once inside, their luck took a profitable turn when they liberated two bags filled with $31,000 in cash and checks, $5,000 in lottery receipts, plus the station owner's purse. Thus enriched, they escaped, unimpeded, on their bikes, leaving the sledge hammer behind in their haste. A perfect crime? Not exactly. Cruel fate dispatched Sheboygan P.D.'s Shannon McKay to the Uni-Mart, a fun fact that sealed the lads' fate. As luck would have it, Officer McKay was the same cop who bagged Ryan earlier in the evening. When she spotted the tattletale sledge hammer wrapped in a rag, she recognized it as the same one she spotted in Ryan's van. It was during that traffic stop that Ryan himself provided the ultimate factoid that rendered his quick arrest a slam dunk: He told Officer McKay that he, routinely stayed with a friend in a nearby town, Franklin. When they arrived at the house in Franklin, the proper authorities found Ryan's van, the loot from the robbery and, finally, Ryan himself whom they found cowering in a cistern. Book 'em, Dano, and this time don't let the punk out until he's eligible for Social Security payments. Fire In The Hole The police chase started routinely enough, when an alert cop noticed a van's missing taillight, but it's fiery conclusion was anything but routine. Suspecting that the unusually low riding van might provide clues to recent construction site thefts in the immediate area, Cumberland County Sheriff's officer Brad Dean tried to pull the van over. The driver had other ideas and the chase ensued. The chase careen through the city's highways and byways until the van's driver lost control, drove into a yard and nailed a mailbox. Due to the impact, a gasoline container inside the van burst dousing everything inside the van, including the driver. Armed with these salient facts, we're ready for our Paul Harvey Moment and the rest of the story. When the driver crawled out a window, officer Dean brandished gun, but decided to use his Taser instead, after the unarmed driver refused to obey his orders. The instant the Taser nailed him, the driver's gas-soaked shirt caught fire, making his arrest especially thrilling. Thinking quickly, Brad Dean wrestled the man to the ground putting out the fire when they rolled into the a nearby creek. Officer Dean's suspicions about the van were borne out when he found, in addition to the gasoline container, 75 bags of concrete and a loaded sawed-off shotgun. Thanks to Brad Dean's hunch, the driver, Richard McKinnon, will have ample time to recover from his injuries while he faces charges of resisting arrest and obstructing justice. After that, our boy, Richard, gets to visit a Bladen County graybar where he'll answer to outstanding arrest warrants for armed robbery, kidnaping, burglary and larceny. Book 'em Dano. Close, But No Cigar Coventryville (Pennsylvania) denizen Edward Keegan was annoyed, then amazed and finally amused when the ticket for running a red light arrived in the mail. His driving infraction was well-documented by the mega popular driving menace, the red light camera, since his pay the man $100 notice included the incriminating photo. After one look at the photo, Ed started down the torturous road to "amusement. We know what you're wondering Sparky, and we're all over it. Here are the fun facts that transformed an annoying "gotcha red light runner" into a source of mirth:
Faced with these fun facts, the City Parking Authority, egged on by the Philadelphia Inquirer, eventually canceled the ticket. There's nothing like a dose of bitter, objective, reality to ruin a bureaucrat's whole day. Dumb and Dumber An Omaha boob tube reports that the city's men in blue just captured two of the city's dumbest criminals. The capture didn't involve much police work, since the pair were illegally parked in a handicap parking space in front of the police station. Spotting the car, two of Omaha's men in blue walked over to check it out. As the officers approached, they detected the unmistakable aroma of methamphetamine. Busted! It's a damn shame that all desperados aren't this accommodating. The Nadless Desperado Caper It looked so easy, on paper. Dressed in a black hooded sweatshirt, black jeans, black gloves and wearing an "Old Man" Halloween mask, the armed and dangerous desperado entered Wholesale Beauty Club at 3pm, determined to empty the till. Brandishing his semiautomatic handgun, he demanded that they hand over the money. Unimpressed, to say the least, the customers and staff laughed. They laughed even harder when, the angry, frustrated, desperado stomped out of the place, empty handed. If you're in Wichita, the cops need your help finding this desperado. They can't give us a suitable description, but how hard can it be to find one nadless punk? If you're not sure you found the right one, just say "Boo". If he pees his pants, you got him, crime stopper Sparky. Dimwitted Desperados The Tattletale Getaway Ride Caper PIG News thinks that Brit judges should give this dolt life imprisonment, because anyone that stupid is a menace to rational adults. The Tattletale Phone Caper It Seemed Like A Good Idea The Northwest Nitwits in Spokane (Washington) just perpetrated a car chase through the city's streets that could wrest the car chase capitol crown from the City of Angeles. It's not the chase itself that makes this newsworthy; it's the fun fact that all the participants in the chase are active duty cops. That's right, car chase fans, the cops were so eager for some fun they resorted to chasing each other. The chase began when two Spokane County Sheriff's cars - one is a marked patrol car, the other an unmarked Mustang - were heading back to the station after their shift. Feeling frisky, the deputy driving the marked patrol car switched on the emergency lights. Eager to play along, the two deputies in the Mustang accelerate setting off the chase through the city's streets. The fun careened off the rails when a Spokane P.D. patrol car joined the chase. But the big fun lay just ahead where - alerted by radio calls - other Spokane P.D. officers laid out a spike strip that punctured one of the Mustang's tires. The fun evaporated when the deputies in the Mustang were summoned from their ride by gun-wielding officers from the Spokane P.D. Although the three fun-loving Sheriff's deputies are still on the payroll, I wouldn't want to trade places with them, after they forced their boss to go hat-in-hand to apologize to the Spokane P.D. for his deputies' antics. True Crime Adventures Hanging Around After a futile attempt at an escape and a lame story about somebody throwing his keys up on the business's roof, Michael got a clean set of clothes - a Graybar jumpsuit - plus new digs in the local lockup. Book 'em, Dano. Applied Science His adventure in applied science came to an untimely end after some nosy neighbor spotted the still and ratted our hero out to the proper authorities. The usual humor-challenged badge packing suspects staked out the still and nipped a stellar scientific career in the bud by arresting our hero. A young lad decides to put his education to work and this is his reward? Life is so unfair that way. Heroine of The Week Contender Home alone with eight children, Ashville (Ohio) denizen Franchetta Baldwin, saved a potentially tragic situation through her quick thinking. Her day went to crap when three punks invaded her home and began pistol-whipping her. Things started to look up when a teenage girl living in the house called 911 to get some help. That set the stage for Franchetta's heroism. When those tattletale police sirens started getting closer, the three punks wanted out in the worse way, so quick thinking Franchetta pointed to a door and told them it would get them outside in the back of the house. The instant the punks headed through the door, Franchetta locked it, trapping the punks in her basement. Two of the punks were still cooling their heels down there when the men in blue arrived. The third punk got nabbed by the cops when he crawled out a window. PIG News is pleased to report that Franchetta is recovering nicely from her ordeal. We're downright delighted to find that the house breaking trio is in the graybar, facing burglary, felonious assault and kidnaping charges. Book 'em, Dano. Strange, But True, Four-Bagger San Jose (Mexifornia) Buffalo (New York) Salt Lake City (Utah) Red-faced, the relevant Mormon officials are pulling all copies of "Sons of Provo". Spencer County (Kin-tucky) For those who care, Danny's pot enterprise included 115 plants: 37 of them were in a closet and the remaining 78 were in a crawlspace, all of which the spoilsport men in blue carted off. The cops also impounded four surveillance cameras, some monitors and an undisclosed quantity of firearms. Making this story complete is the fun fact that this is Danny's second bust for growing pot, putting him in the running for a 'possession of a firearm by a convicted felon' conviction. All things considered, shooting himself rates as the high point of Danny's criminal career, since it got him a PIG mention, plus a place in PIG's Golden D'oh sweepstakes. Carjackers Pick The Wrong Car Spotting two men sitting in a car in the dead of night, four City of Angels punks decided to do what comes naturally to such lowlifes: carjacking themselves a new ride. As plans go, it was as good as you can expect from these ethically-challenged dolts, but it did have one glaringly fatal flaw. The critical tidbit that these desperados needed to know is that the two men in the car were FBI agents on a stakeout. When the armed and dangerous punks accosted the agents, the bullets started to fly killing one punk and wounded another. One dead, one wounded and two others in custody sounds like a good nights work to PIG News, but we won't be "shocked, shocked, I tell you" if some-damn-body goes "no justice, no peace" bonkers over this adventure in criminal punkhood. After all, "no justice, no peace" is a venerable City of Angels tradition. Don't Mess With Danny Dunn Corpus Christi (Mexas) homeowner, Danny Dunn, got a nasty surprise early one morning when he entered his garage on the way to work and found a burglar rummaging through his stuff. As bad as that is, it got worse in a heartbeat. When he shouted at the thieving lowlife, the knife-wielding burglar rushed at Danny and cut our hero before trying to escape out the cracked open garage door. When the garage door closed again, the burglar rushed at Danny a second time. This time, armed with his .22 caliber rifle, Danny was more than ready to give the punk a suitable reception. Armed, wounded and dangerously pissed, Danny pumped three rounds into the burglar. Sufficiently motivated to get the hell out, the burglar managed to open the garage door and got outside where, according to our gun packing hero: "He flopped around out here for a while, and he wouldn't stay down, like I told him. I told him I was going to kill him, and I should have." Eventually, the burglar finally managed to escape, leaving a trail of blood and bloody fingerprints on the garage door. Thanks to Danny's marksmanship, plus those tattletale fingerprints, the cops made short work of tracking the fool down. Danny is back in fighting trim after getting 49 stitches to close the knife cut on his hand, so, if you're a Corpus Christi desperado, Danny has this chilling warning: "This is one homeowner that you ain't going to mess with. I'll take the next one down too." That sound you just heard is my lovely bride celebrating this "Just shoot the bastards" prose. SEPTEMBER 2005
Adventures In Criminal Stupidity Source: PIG News Wire [09/27] Muncie, Indiana When the gas station's manager arrived for duty the next morning and noticed the white van, he contacted the proper authorities to come give the gas stealing sleepyhead his richly deserved wake-up call. PIG News is pleased to report that the thief is getting all the sleep he needs as a guest in the Delaware County graybar hotel. Book'em, Dano. Charleston, West Virginia
Davie will have plenty of time to dry out as a guest in the Kanawha County jail. Splashdown In theory, a woman's decision to take her friend's ride for a test drive before buying it was not, in and of itself, fatally flawed. The drive started out swimmingly - it ended that way too, but more about that, later - when she managed to get the car started. From there, her adventure in motoring careened off the rails when she stomped on the gas instead of the brake:
Unable to solve the mystery of the car's windows, the woman found herself trapped in a car that was, all too quickly, filling up with water. Residents of the complex tried and failed to save her, but her contribution to human gene pool improvement was thwarted when the fire department arrived and broke through the car's sun room. Saved from the oblivion she deserved, the woman emerged chilled, wet, but otherwise unscathed. Mark this epic 'any day now' on your human gene pool improvement scorecard. Final Irony: They Call This a Solution? Tired of being maligned by alleged humorists from sea to shining sea, Indiana's political hacks finally pulled the trigger on a fix last April, ending 30 years of time zone chaos. Or did it? Before you can cope with the 'fix', you need some Cliff Notes on the problem:
The legicrap signed by Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels required that the state's top executive contact the federal Department of Transportation - for reasons I can't explain these bureaucrats are the nation's time zone Tsars - and ask them to determine if the state's time zones need to be changed. Governor Daniels contacted the feds but he failed to state a time zone preference. So what? So, that majorly Emerilized the state's time zone chaos:
For a moment there, PIG News was afraid that Indiana might emerge from the time zone Twilight Zone. They tried valiantly, but all the state legicrats managed to do is mire the state deeper in time zone chaos. I don't know what the Hoosiers are putting in their water, but they ought to bottle the damn stuff and ship it to our elected tormentors on Capitol Hill. I, for one, would welcome some chaos in D.C., because chaos is much better then relentless Nanny State tyranny. Seattle's Newest Crime Stopper Seattle car thieves got a lot more than they expected when they tried to steal Ken Cavallon's truck. A football coach, Ken blitzed the three punks he spotted trying to steal his ride from the driveway. Unwilling to become the latest victim in a neighborhood's rash of car thefts, Ken exploded out of his house, determined to sack the car boosting trio:
When the punk he sacked tried to rip free, Ken admonished him with these immortal words: "Dude, I'm three times your weight, and twice your strength, so don't even try." "Don't even try" sounds like excellent advice to any other Northwest Nitwits who might consider boosting the coach's ride. Don't go there, punks, because the coach is one car owner who does take prisoners. Curses, Foiled Again New Hampshire's legicrats shot themselves in the foot when they drafted the recently enacted E-Z Pass law. In theory, E-Z Pass allows a motorist to buy a decal that pays existing turnpike tolls automatically, when they use the designated E-Z Pass lanes. The E-Z Pass law allows the state to bag toll shirkers who don't have the decal but use the special lanes anyway by using special cameras to record the toll shirker's license plate. So far, so good, but that leads us to our Paul Harvey Moment and "the rest of the story":
For those who need everything explained - and we both know who you are - here are the Cliff Notes on this header into the law of unintended consequences. The new law wiped out the old toll shirker law and adopted a new camera-based enforcement method. But, the devilish detail here is that those enforcement cameras are only installed on the E-Z Pass lanes. The token booth lanes are not monitored, so drivers who use those lanes are free to test their ethics. Is the Granite State in the running for Golden D'Oh of the Year honors? You better believe it, toll shirker Sparky. Stupid Criminal Tricks Geneva, Switzerland
When help arrived, the civilians sized up the situation, pried open the door, shoved our hapless desperado back into the store then kept him in there until the local authorities arrived on the scene. How, exactly, do the Swiss say "Book 'em, Dano"? Fife, Washington Certain that the power line was a low voltage line, these two Einsteins threw a rope over it and got an instantaneous reality check when the 12,500 volts coursing thought the lines traveled down the rope and turned one desperado into a human gene pool improvement statistic by quick frying him to death. His pal survived but was singed into submission to such a degree that he was still lying on the ground when the proper authorities arrived. Mark this epic "one down, one to go" on your human gene pool improvement scorecard. Gotcha, Dummy Despite the fact that he was wearing one of those electronic tracking ankle bracelets, a Waterbury (Connecticut) bright bulb named Delome Small decided to temp fate and knock over a nearby bank. The plan, such as it was, centered on his ability to get to the bank, rob it and get back home, before the proper authorities detected his departure from his abode. Bold new concept. The plan unraveled at breathtaking speed when, upon their arrival at the bank, our hero and his brother John got delayed by locked cash drawers. That delay panicked Delome into abandoning his caper, and returning home before that damn electronic tracker ratted him out. Delome and his idiot brother have ample time to figure out where their scheme careened off the rails, now that they have nifty new quarters in the Waterbury graybar hotel. Dumber than a box of rocks? You better believe it criminally stupid Sparky. AUGUST 2005
Going "Lunar" Source: Rochester Democrat and Chronicle (New York) [08/24] From PIG's "it seemed like a good idea at the time" desk we share this epic tale of an Empire State hormone gorilla, 17 year old Christopher Rogers, who thrilled a group of "children" - ages 10 to 16 - in a Clifton Springs city park by mooning them. Although this might seem like harmless teenage hijinks to a rational adult, Ontario County Sheriff deputies were so utterly unamused they arrested our tail-baring hero and charged him with "public lewdness and endangering the welfare of a child". "Endangering the welfare of a child"? Holy overkill, Batman! If seeing some moron's bare butt is all it takes to doom some 10 year old to a lifetime of therapy, he, she, heshe or it is already a basket case. If this mooning moron is public enemy number one in Clifton Springs, life is damn good, so, the proper authorities should take a damn chill pill and get over themselves. Human Gene Pool Improvement - Deferred A Badger State cheesehead flirted with an untimely demise, when he decided to 'dislodge a round from the chamber of [a] pistol' using a screwdriver. If you can't see where this epic is headed, get with the program, Sparky. Our hero got a long overdue reality check - no to mention, painful proof that he's dumber than a box of rocks - when the gun fulfilled it's prime directive, giving our hero a richly-deserved abdominal wound. PIG News is compelled to ask why Mother Nature let our hero off with a painful warning, instead of invoking human gene pool improvement? Could this cheesehead have incriminating pictures of Mother Nature? Or, is she toying with our hero while she plans a much more elaborate demise? It's Enquiring Minds time, again, in the top secret PIG bunker. Cellidiot Reaps His Just Reward While mowing a field, a woman noticed two men and two women lurking near her ride. When she approached them, the quartet spouted drivel about doing some work in the area then took off like scalded canines. Suspicious, the woman checked out her ride, found one of her car doors open then spotted a cell phone that somebody left on her seat. Understandably alarmed, she called the local authorities who immediately dispatched St. John's County Sheriff's Deputy T.C. Coward.
The desperado, 19-year-old Lonnie Stout, volunteered for a graybar stretch when Deputy Coward found a stolen stereo in the cellidiot desperado's ride. Dumber than a box of rocks? You better believe it, Florida voter Sparky. Dumber Than a Box of Rocks Thanks to the Draconian edicts perpetrated by the Transportation Security Administration, flying continues devolve into an obstacle course. Their "no-fly" list is a prime example. Like so many TSA edicts, the "no-fly" list does a much better job making innocent air travelers miserable than it does about making air travel safer. You'll never believe who is running afoul of this TSA edict... With at least 100,000 names on the TSA's "no-fly" list, and given the intellectual void perpetrated by those who enforce it, you gotta know that anyone with a name similar or identical to someone on the list is gonna get black flagged. What takes the "no-fly" list straight into the bureaucratic Twilight Zone is the thrilling fact that airport workers are, routinely, black flagging children - many of them infants - who happen to have a moniker identical to someone on the "no-fly" list. Admittedly, the infant pooper can, in optimum conditions, be classified as a weapon of mass destruction...None of us wants to be trapped inside an airliner when some diaper jockey perpetrates a cosmic stinky, but, black flagging them with a "no-fly" list is ridiculous. A Surrender Monkey Epic A Surrender Monkey university student name Herve Vandrot registered on PIG's wingnut radar when this amateur psychic managed to "French Fry" his Edinburgh University abode, and two nearby apartments thanks to his multi-functional crystal ball. This adventure in applied physics got rolling after our hero left his crystal ball on a windowsill. That's when a frisky Mother Nature decided to enlighten Herve with a badly needed science demonstration. Edinburgh firefighters explain it this way:
Steadfastly refusing to blame his crystal ball, our differently-rational hero doggedly insists that the inferno was ignited by faulty electrical wiring. Yeah, right, dude. How do they say "The dog ate my homework" in Surrender Monkey lingo? It Seemed Like A Good Idea A Florida voter named Marvin Williams decided to have some big time fun, so he put a blue and red flashing light on the dashboard of a friend's ride and ventured forth to pretend he's a cop. It all went swimmingly, until he tried his trick on an unmarked car containing two undercover cops for the Tampa P.D. When the cops finally cornered him, Marvin's day went to hell in a handbasket, big damn time:
For those who obsess on payback - and we both know who you are - here are the charges laid on our hero: cocaine possession, impersonating a law enforcement officer and resisting arrest. Do I really need to warn you not to try this at home? JULY 2005
So Weird It's Gotta Be True Source: AP [07/30] While tooling down a Missouri highway, an alleged human named Robin Doolin had the pressing need to spit. Afraid that she'd get splattered by the blowback - we've all been there, done that - she opened to door leaned out to let fly:
This epic takes the time tested "strange, but true" to a whole new level. Clueless in Kin-Tucky Two bright Kentucky bulbs decided to Emerilize their justice system encounter when they drove to their arson and fraud trial in a stolen 2005 vintage BMW. As thrilling as that sounds, it gets better, because, after the local men in blue spotted and impounded the stolen ride, they searched the bright bulbs' residence where they found two stolen Lexus SUV's in the garage. The good news here is that, they won't need to worry about a ride to court, now that the proper authorities offered them graybar accommodations. The bad news is that the jury recommended 20 year sentences for their arson and fraud antics. Dumber than a box of rocks? You better believe it, Southern Fried Sparky. Pushing Them Over The Edge? Responding to an article by this Beantown fishwrap about the missing anti-suicide signs on Tobin Bridge, state highway minions put up a new set of anti-suicide signs. Not breaking news, you complain? Agreed, but that brings us to our Paul Harvey moment:
I can see it all now...An alleged human is on the Tobin Bridge contemplating a leap to oblivion when he, she, heshe or it spots the sign. Willing to give life one final chance, the aspiring leaper dials the number and gets one of those "The number you have dialed is not in service" messages. Trust me, PIGsters, if the leaper wasn't suicidal, before that final indignity, he, she, heshe or it will be, afterwards. A Golden D'oh Hall of Fame Contender From our "repeat that, slowly" desk, we serve up this epic about some Talibanma (The state formerly known as Alabama) road signs that, inexplicably, found their way to an intersection in downtown Easthampton, Massachusetts. Instead of the requisite black numerals inside a white square or rectangle, the road signs designating certain state routes bear the unmistakable outline of Talibanma. As fun as that is, it gets better: it took locals weeks...months to notice the error. After a state highway department worker spotted the error, a blame fixing exercise coronated a contractor hired to put up the signs as the culprit. Demonstrating the folly of granting government contracts to the lowest bidder, the firm had searched a federal manual for the pertinent signs and decided that Talibanma road signs were close enough for government work. No doubt the contractor is thrilled to learn that they won't be paid until the problem is rectified. Normally, I'd spew a tantrum about government inefficiency, but, since this happened in Bloated Teddy Kennedy's backyard, I'm feeling much too smirky to vent. A Golden D'oh Adventure The instant he decided to engage in a commercial transaction with a local horizontal bingo purveyor, Waukesha denizen Robert J. Scrima strayed onto PIG's Golden D'oh radar. I know what you're thinking and I agree. A "John" paying a hooker for her professional services is hardly breaking news, but that brings us to this epic's Paul Harvey Moment and the rest of the story:
PIG News feels safe in guessing that whatever he said when the undercover officer flashed her badge, it was considerably more colorful than "D'Oh". The Ultimate "Bad" Day James Cave had one of those days, this week, the kind of day that could, quite easily, put you in the proverbial record books: four bites from two different snakes in a heartbeat, while standing in your own garage. James's venomous adventure started when a pygmy rattlesnake took a chomp out of James' foot. It went into uncharted territory when James reached down to grab his foot and got bitten on the hand by the same ornery critter. Startled, James stumbled backwards, tripped over a barrel and landed on a copperhead. The copperhead did what copperheads usually do and bit James on the foot then put James in record book contention by biting our hapless hero on the groin. At press time James is listed in critical, but stable condition in a local hospital. This is one time when Homer's all purpose "D'oh" is grossly inadequate. Thar
He Blows! The Bay State's bloated, differently-sober, marathon swimmer, Senior Senator - the liberal punk Laura Ingraham aptly named "The Senior Balloon from Massachusetts" - went into bellowing bluster mode this week. That's right Tubby Teddy Kennedy went ballistic after an Elephant Clan theocon - Senator Rick Santorium - refused to back down from prose he penned three years ago. Just for fun, let's take a gander at the Righteous Ricky prose that helped the Senior Buffoon reach escape velocity:
When pressed by the Boston Globe to retract and/or apologize for his prose Righteous Ricky refused, setting off this week's Teddy tantrum. If the Bay State's bloated bellower thinks that this Santorum prose is Amerika's top problem, Teddy is even more detached from objective reality than anyone realized. It's time to man the harpoons, PIGsters and put Teddy out of our misery. This is not a drill. A True
Life Second Amendment Adventure Two Dry Ridge (Kin-Tucky) desperados go a very warm welcome when they kicked down a certain vintage gentleman's door in the early, pre-dawn hours. The 79-year-old intended victim wasn't the easy pickins the desperados anticipated, a fun fact that got much too real when the homeowner responded to their home invasion with a fusillade from his .357 persuader. PIG News is thrilled to report that our vintage hero's bullets found the mark, leaving one punk wounded in his driveway and the other leaking blood nearby. PIG News confers Second Amendment kudos on our hero for his well aimed affirmation of his constitutional right to "keep and bear arms". An
Intellectual Flatliner Triple Mankato,
Minnesota Endwell,
New York At press time, he was, reportedly, in an intensive care ward with "serious head trauma". Mark this one as "sooner or later" on your human gene pool improvement scorecard. Wilmington,
North Carolina
Mr. Core and a pal managed to pull Floyd out of the lake after which they tended to Floyd's wounds. In addition to a healthy chomp on Floyd's arm, the gator managed to sink those sharp gator teeth into Floyd's chest, stomach and hand. Admittedly, Mike Core and his pal deserve props for helping our gator snack nitwit, but, I'm forced to chide them, ever so mildly, for saving this human gene pool improvement volunteer from his own stupidity. Golden
D'Oh Contender A Romanian desperado managed the initial phases of the heist without any problems. The breaking in went like clockwork and the robbery came off flawlessly when he bagged the money from the till (£ 250). So far, so good, but with the theft completed, our hero decided to grab a snack, or two, or three when he began slam dunking pies into his mouth. After glutting himself, he discovered a thrilling fact when he tried to squirm out the window he'd used for his entry: His pie orgy made him just fat enough to get stuck in the window. Shop owner Vasile Mandache described the scene that greeted him the next morning this way:
In addition to being busted for robbery, our hero also managed to torpedo any hopes of a career in a fast food restaurant, making his inept desperado antics doubly pathetic. The news isn't all bad though, since he's a contender in this week's Golden D'Oh sweepstakes. JUNE 2005
Morons In The News Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [06/29] Another
"Golden" Twerpy Tommy Moment When asked if he believed in aliens, Twerpy Tommy answered:
Of course, Twerpy Tommy believes planet hopping aliens. Based on his recent antics, it's a slam dunk that he's probably one of them. And now you really do know the rest of the story. Politics
In The Twilight Zone Only someone from that political Twilight Zone - A.K.A. the D.C. Beltway - would go off the deep end because a piece of reeking, allegedly human crap like Soros might buy a baseball team. If this is their number one issue, it's time to clean out congress, PIGsters. It's time to give these congressional retards a long overdue taste of reality. It's time to impose involuntary retirement on the political peabrains who do more damage to our inalienable individual liberty than all the terrorists in the know universe. Every damn one of them has to go. This is not a drill. Southern-Fried
Human Gene Pool Improvement Stubborn and stupid are, potentially, a lethal combination, especially when the fool is playing with something as combustible as gasoline. The fun started when a Peach State boater crammed 262 gallons of gasoline into his boat's 200 gallon tank. Ignoring warnings from a nearby rational adult named Larry Kicklighter that he should not, under any circumstances, start his boat's engine, our hero did just that with predictable results. Mr. Kicklighter describes the resulting reality check as follows:
Alive, barely, the extra crispy intellectual flatliner - henceforth called "Fireball" - was transferred to an Augusta, Georgia hospital's burn unit where his condition is listed as "critical". Mark this one "any minute now" on your human gene pool improvement scorecard. It
Seemed Like A Nifty Notion The fun started on Wednesday evening when a vintage, hearing-impaired Maryland denizen, 82-year-old John Backert, accidently locked his keys in the family's 1987 Dodge Diplomat with the motor running. Nobody detected this fun fact until the next morning when our hero's son noticed and told dear old dad to find a spare key and turn the damn thing off. This adventure in advanced stupidity got rolling, big time, after our hero's son went to work and his grandson got shuttled off to school. After three hours of fruitless searching for the extra car key, our hero kicked his alleged brain into high gear. First, he tried shoving a spud into the car's tailpipe, but the damn thing kept popping out. Next, he tried siphoning off the car's gas with a hose, but he couldn't get the gas to flow. That's when he Emerilized this epic with a hall of fame inspiration. Grabbing the family's Eureka vacuum cleaner, he used this cleaning implement's suction power to empty the gas tank. If you can't see where this epic is heading, wake the hell up, Sparky. In a heartbeat the vacuum cleaner caught fire, giving our hero third degree burns on his belly. He managed to save the family ride by throwing the burning Eureka a safe distance from the Diplomat. He managed to save himself from more serious injuries by dropping to the ground and rolling to put out the flames. He did not, however, manage to turn off the family ride's engine. At press time John is back home nursing his painful belly and wondering where his scheme careened off the rails. Next time, John, break the car's window, and turn the damn thing off. Replacing a broken window is a lot cheaper, not to mention much less painful, than your hospital bills. Afterthought: Crime
Stoppers Help Bag Bank Robber The bank heist started to unravel when the dye pack hidden in the bag of loot exploded as the robber sprinted for his getaway ride. The caper went from bad to worse when an alert cabbie spotted the robbers fleeing in a Dodge Ram and gave chase. The fun got Emerilized when the cabbie's boss, Joseph Duross, heard his cabbie's radio call and joined the chase. A former stock car racer, Mr. Duross kept the cops informed over his radio, while he gave the fleeing desperados all they could handle and much, much more:
Thanks to Joseph Duross's driving skills and determination, the desperados were bagged, booked and carted off to the local graybar. You've still got what it takes dude and that's a fact. Human
Gene Pool Improvement Governor Jeb Bush has one less Florida voter on his hands, thanks to a cop-eluding wingnut who decided to hide in his sister's sweltering attic while the cops searched the house. After the first search failed, the cops returned when the sister called them back and suggested that they search the attic, one of her bro's favorite haunts. After wrestling the attic door open - it was wedged shut with electrical wiring - they found Earle Herring enjoying newly conferred room temperature status in the scotching hot attic. Nobody bothered to stick a fork in Earle, since he was obviously, well done. At 57, Earle had ample time to pollute the human gene pool, so mark this one "better late than never" in your human gene pool improvement archives. Southern
Fried Drunk A Durham (North Carolina) dolt named Johnnie Ngodo made his court appearance to answer a drunk driving charge especially memorable when he showed up in court blasted out of his gourd with an impressive 0.23 blood alcohol reading. His eye popping blood alcohol reading is three times the state's 0.08 limit and more than twice the amount he registered during his drunk driving adventure. Needless to say the presiding judge was so dazzled by our hero's antics that he nailed him for contempt of court and tossed him into the slammer for three days. As potted as Johnnie was, PIG News isn't convinced that three days is long enough for our hero to come down off that adult beverage-induced high. We hear those wheels turning, PIGster Sparky and, as usual, we're all over it. No, Johnnie didn't drive himself to court. A friend did the honors for him. The burning question isn't how he got to court. The salient interrogatory is "Why would a so-called friend allow Johnny to show up in court stewed to the gills?" Greedy
and Stupid in Florida A Fort Myers dude - a business owner, according to this fishwrap - reached for stupidity's brass ring when he fell for a buried treasure scam that cost him a nifty $15,000. This pagan scribbler thinks that $15,000 is a small price to pay to learn that you're a congenital MORON, but I digress...yes, again. This adventure in self-awareness began when a man claiming to be a government employee showed up at our hero's front door, blithering about some soil samples he needed to take. From there, the scheme unfolded like the plot of a 'B' caper movie:
Greedy and stupid, our hero decided to 'check things out', so he went back to the altar a few hours after leaving his loot hanging out to dry. When this dolt looked in the wrapped bundles, he found paper cut in the shape and size of greenbacks, instead of money. I'm guessing that he's the only dipstick on the planet that's shocked, shocked I tell you, that he'd been had. The most amusing tidbit in this fishwrap piece is this goodie: "Anyone in a similar situation should contact [Fort Myers] police". In other words if you're a greedy, clueless, supernaturalist - a classic Florida voter - who just fell for this scam, dial the local police station using our special "I'm dumber than a box of rocks" hotline. Dumber
Than A Box Of Rocks An Empire State bright bulb - 19-year-old Glen Germain - decided that the best way to cope with stratospheric gas prices involved siphoning gas from an unattended dump truck that was 'just sitting there' in rustic Thurman (New York). It all went according to plan, until he decided to check and see how much room he had left in the gas can. That's when he went from gas stealing asshat to extra crispy gas stealing asshat. Pulling out his lighter to illuminate his criminal adventure, he set his gas covered hands on fire, lit the gas can itself, sauteed his goatee, then set a nearby forklift ablaze. Thurman cops tracked our extra crispy desperado down very easily, thanks to the fun fact that they busted him a few days earlier for boosting gas in the nearby Daggett Lake Campground. Since he didn't intend to set the forklift ablaze, the cops can't nail him for arson, so our hero is in line for another petty larceny wrist-slap. Glen might dodge a richly-deserved justice system felony bullet, but he's not out of the woods yet. Mother Nature just painted a 'human gene pool improvement volunteer' bull's-eye on Glen, so it's only a matter of time before he achieves room temperature status due to his own, stampeding stupidity. Mark this one "pending" on your human gene pool improvement scorecard. MAY 2005
Rustic Fun In Flyover Country Source: Richmond Palladium-Item (Richmond, In) [05/28] A Union County (Indiana) cop found a lot more than he expected when he responded to a "UFO sighted" call placed by three fishermen. The trio's UFO blithering turned out to be a non-starter, but Deputy Sheriff Dal Dishmond's trip to Brookville Lake wasn't a complete waste of time:
At press time, all three are facing drug-related charges. The UFO and its occupants remain at large. Golden
D'Oh Daily Double Springdale,
Arkansas According to the Morning News, our young hero "faces an arrest on possible charges of committing a terroristic act and being a minor in possession of a firearm". Book 'em, Dano. Glen
Falls, New York If you can't see where this epic is headed, you're in a coma, Sparky:
At press time, our extra crispy hero is in a Westchester burn unit with burns covering 60% of his body. And how was the rest of your day, fire bug Sparky? Zap,
You're Darwin Cool A Peach State desperado's electrifying adventure began when he boosted a car from a Union City (Georgia) apartment complex. His getaway scheme careened off the rails after he came 'thisclose' to running an ambulance off the road, a move that prompted the ambulance driver to notify the cops. The ensuing car chase came to it's thrilling conclusion when the desperado, Erving Cobb, exited his stolen ride at the airport's mass transit rail system station (henceforth MARTA):
A mere 18, Ervin probably didn't have time to do too much damage to the human gene pool, so feel free to stamp his file "Human Gene Pool Improvement Achieved". Down
East True Crime Epic For a while, the caper went like clockwork. While the getaway driver tarried outside in a nearby parking lot, his partner in heistology entered a Corinth (Maine) bank - United Kingfield Bank - handed a teller the holdup note, claimed that he had a weapon, then made off with the cash the teller handed over. So far, so good, but from there, things got a tad sticky. Their bad luck streak started when two employees at nearby Corinth Products Co., Inc spotted a vintage dude lurking in their company's parking lot near a purple Ford Ranger. The bystanders went on alert when another dude - our bank robber - came running down the street and spouted the immortal desperado phrase: "Let's get the hell out of here." The desperados' bad luck reached critical mass when the eye witnesses described the getaway ride's distinctive paint job: A purple Ford Ranger with 'red sport flares and pinstripes down the side' (Daily News). The police made short work of the case, thanks to the easy to spot getaway ride, and are, at press time, housing these Down East desperados in the Penobscot County Jail. During their sojourn in Maine's prison system, our heros might want to rethink this whole "glow in the dark" getaway ride idea. If that concept proves hopelessly elusive, they might want to start practicing another venerable, jailbird line: "Do you want fries with that?" Things
That Go Boom Besieged by insects, a Kraut dude opted to play exterminator, so he emptied several cans of 'extra strong insecticide' inside his abode. Satisfied that modern chemical science would resolve his insect problem, our hero decided to amuse himself during the mass insect die-a-thon by surfing the information super highway. His life went from humdrum to 'holy shit', the instant he fired up his P.C.
Substantiating the timeless canard about Old Ka-Boom's inexplicable affection for "fools and drunks" our hero emerged from his explosive adventure, virtually, unharmed. How do they say "D'Oh" in German? Scarborough's
Folly The rhetorical chicken's came home to roost in Scarborough Country (MSNBC) after host Joe Scarborough boldly took his blithering where no rational man would think of going. Citing a Brit fishwrap, Jumpin Joe took Mexifornia's action hero Governor to task for a quote the Brit fishwrap attributed to the Terminator: Arnold allegedly said:
Joe Pontificated:
The too fun for words facts bring this point-counterpoint into sharp focus. For starters, the quote attributed to the Terminator were uttered by an Arnold impersonator on Howard Stern's boom box extravaganza. Furthermore, Governor Schwarzenegger's spokeswench - Margita Thompson - notified MSNBC that Scarborough got it all wrong the day after Joe perpetrated his on the air antics. And why, you ask, did it take 11 days for Joe to apologize? The usual MSNBC suspects claim that Ms. Thompson's message got lost in the MSNBC mail system. This pagan scribbler thinks it took at least that long for a top surgical team to extract Joe's entire leg from his own mouth. Has Joe learned his lesson about double-checking his sources? No way in hell, Arnold hates the moon Sparky. Talking
Turkey It all started out according to plan when a camouflage-wearing, New Jersey hunter named Jerry White set up some turkey decoys in a nearby field, then crouched in the bushes with his never fail turkey call. His turkey call must be very realistic sounding, because it sounded real enough to another hunter, Roy White, that it elicited a barrage of 12-gauge shotgun fire at our hidden hero. The fusillade found its mark, depositing 150 pellets in Jerry's arm and another 4 in his leg. Call me names if you must, but I'm hard pressed to find a downside to this epic tale about one hunter blazing away at another. That sound you hear is New Jersey's gobblers laughing their tail feathers off. Criminal
Stoppers Triple Cincinnati Baltimore
When asked why he reported the car stolen, Gregory Alston explained that he left his wallet in it. Don't worry dude, where you're going, you won't need your wallet. Queens
PIG News salutes the wenchlets whose quick thinking put the pervert, Wilfredo Ponte, out of the nads flashing business. The
Great Northwestern Nitwit The news sleuths at a Washington boob tube outlet tracked down two action-packed incidents perpetrated by the Great Northwestern Nitwit. Both involved gunplay and close encounters with Human Gene Pool Improvement: Seattle Things went from comic ineptitude to 'say that again', after our soggy, suicidal hero's mother called the men in blue and told them her baby boy intended to "end it all". When the cops arrived they took this epic straight into the twilight zone by - we're not making this up - shooting our hero. I'm guessing you just had to be there:
Our hero is in the hospital with 'life threatening injuries', but don't lose hope. If Darwinian justice didn't get him this time, it's a slam dunk that this dude will 'get 'er done' the next time around. Tacoma Undaunted by this reprieve and his friends' excellent advice, Gordon shoved the gun's barrel back into his mouth, pulled the trigger again and achieved room temperature when the gun fulfilled it's prime function. The ensuing "ka-blam" conferred an instantaneous room temperature transition, saving the human gene pool from the pernicious effects wrought if/when 20-year old Gordon reproduced. APRIL 2005
The World's Dumbest Criminal? Source: AP [04/25] The desperado's plan wasn't, in and of itself, fatally flawed. The scheme to break into somebody's ride, rifle through it's contents and make off with the loot is, as capers go, so simple that only a complete moron could screw it up. "Complete moron" is complimentary, all things considered. Fresno County's (Mexifornia) Sheriff's Department dubbed this cretin "the dumbest criminal of the day", but that's grossly under-estimating this dolt's stupidity:
Locked in the car's trunk, our hapless hero banged and hollered until a security guard heard him and summoned the proper authorities, thinking the dolt was a crime victim. He was, but not in the conventional sense. I'd suggest that our hero re-think his career options, but that would require a brain. Besides, a dude this stupid would find. "Do you want fries with that" impossibly complicated. Is he the world's dumbest criminal? The jury is still out on that score but he's damn sure in the top ten. Beached
It all looked good on paper. All the three Brit desperados needed to pull off their drug smuggling caper was a "high powered jet ski", a 100 pounds of cannabis in three large sacks, and some favorable conditions on the English Channel allowing them to transport their illicit cargo from the French beach to their cohorts in Dover. We'll never know how this drama would have played out, because those spoilsport Surrender Monkey cops busted the trio before they could play human gene pool improvement roulette with a dangerous Channel crossing. Call me names if you must but the math just doesn't add up on this caper. One jetski + three dudes + 100 pounds of cannabis + a channel crossing = a watery grave, no matter how you compute the odds. The
Generous - To A Fault - Computer Caper Securely ensconced in bankruptcy protection, fiscally-challenged U.S. Airways demonstrated why it's flat broke this week, when a 'computer glitch' offered tickets to certain small cities for an eye-popping $1.86 (plus fees) each. According to our top secret sources a round trip ticket cost a wallet-friendly $40 apiece. Red-faced - and then some - U.S. Airways officials decided that the ensuing publicity was worth the hit on their coffers, so they promised to honor these bargain basement priced tickets. And how was your day, computer glitch Sparky? A Public
Service Message From PIG News If you're a Melanin-Enriched taxpayer who added a Slavery Reparations Tax Credit to his, her, hisher or its tax return this year, don't hold your breath waiting for the tax man to stand up and salute your claim. In fact, if you added a slavery reparations claim to your return, you're in the fast lane for a nasty gram from the IRS. Those readers who refuse to take this pagan scribbler's word for this, will find the following snippet very illuminating:
Slavery and segregation tax credits? Not in this or any other lifetime, tax audit Sparky. Golden
D'Oh Daily Double St.
Cloud, Minnesota
For reasons I can't comprehend, Mother Nature let Damian off with a warning. Madison,
Wisconsin
As bad as the fire was, it might have been much more thrilling, because Tim keeps black powder in his basement. Luckily, it's locked away in a fireproof gun safe. File this probability challenging epic under "close call" in your Golden D'oh archives. Better
Than A Confession The Hawkins County (Tennessee) sheriff's department got a hot tip on a planned heist when the desperados accidently dialed 911 on their cell phone. Unaware that this technological blight had turned stool pigeon, the perpetrators gave the 911 operators an earful:
Thanks to the blabbermouth desperados, the proper authorities bagged the dolts in the act. For once, a cell phone served a useful purpose. It's go figure time in the pagan scribbler bunker. A Golden
D'Oh Contender Diehard Star Wars fans are so eager to see the latest installment in the series that they're already lined up outside a Hell-A theater, a whopping 43 days before 'Episode III-Revenge of the Sith' scheduled May 19th opening. As silly as these antics are, it gets better. These bright bulbs are camped outside Hollywood's Chinese Theater, a film purveyor that isn't planning to screen the new Star Wars flick. A 20th Century Fox spokesdolt says the flick will debut at another theater in the same neighborhood. Still not convinced this is award-caliber Golden D'Oh material, Sparky? We have one more tidbit to lay on you: The Star Wars diehards refuse to accept the facts and vow to stay put until reality reconfigures itself to match their delusions. Bang,
You're Dead..Punk When their ride bit the dust and they needed some cash to fund a taxi ride home, some Wisconsin hormone gorillas decided to liberate the necessary greenbacks from a venerable motorist who was filling his ride at a nearby gas station. The leader of the pack, 20-year-old Kendell Moss, got a deadly reality check when he accosted the 64-year old dude and started pounding on him. Needing an equalizer, the motorist grabbed his revolver and gave Kendell a .44 caliber room temperature transition. The other punks - all teenagers - took off like scalded dogs, before returning to the scene of the attempted crime to check on their homeboy. One punk called 911, while another tried to borrow a gun from a passerby. Although the gun wielding motorist took off, the cops rounded him up later. He's under arrest, along with the punks, many of whom have long arrest records. Book 'em, Dano. MARCH 2005
The Kansas Sharpshooter Caper Source: Salina Journal (Kansas) [03/28] From our 'don't try this at home' file, we present an action-packed Golden D'Oh epic about a nitwit named Matt Lewis who managed to shoot himself in the nads with a rifle. For reasons that didn't make the fishwrap spew cut, our hero decided to stroll out into his yard at 4:30am Sunday morning and play with his pellet gun. Needing a suitable challenge for his early morning marksmanship, he started blazing away at a .22-caliber shell. If you can't see where this story is going, you're in a coma:
The rustic badge packers strayed into the Twilight Zone when they insisted that there's no evidence that alcohol was involved. A guy gets up a 4:30am and manages to shoot himself in the nads and you need 'evidence' that alcohol is involved? Wake up and smell the beer foam, Sheriff Sparky Federal
Bureau of Imbeciles Convicted and jailed for illegally possessing Uncle Sam's classified materials, Ahmed Fathy Mehalba - an Egyptian-born, U.S. citizen - was startled, to say the least, when, upon his release from jail, the FBI gave him back the CD containing the illicit documents. Those readers who smell a dastardly FBI plot to entrap Ahmed need to get a grip, stat, because the feds aren't that clever. Sad story, Sparky...this was garden variety, job-for-life, bureaucratic ineptitude.
What's next on the FBI agenda? Do they plan to Emerilize their incompetence by catching Osama's minions sneaking a suitcase nuke into the country then return it to them with Uncle Sam's abject apology? No doubt you're as thrilled as this pagan scribbler to know that these drooling, FBI dolts are our first line of homeland defense in the war on terror. Human
Gene Pool Improvement I After an adult-beverage-induced, knife waving, shouting match with a neighbor, 19-year-old Christopher Seward knew the perfect way to exact some revenge. Returning to the abode he shared with his girlfriend, our hero grabbed the phone and called 911, claiming, erroneously, that the neighbor stabbed him. His girlfriend, later noted that he was not cut, bleeding or otherwise damaged when he called 911 from the bathroom. That all changed after she went to the kitchen:
That's right, human gene pool improvement fans, this Einstein decided to lend credence to his story by stabbing himself. He barely had time to run toward the front door of his apartment when his knife-wielding handiwork conferred a well deserved room temperature transition. The human gene pool is vastly improved, and not a moment too soon. Human
Gene Pool Improvement II A Talibanma (state formerly known as Alabama) dolt put a whole new spin on "southern fried" when he tried to steal copper wire from a Alabama Power company facility. His plan, such as it was, became electrifying, when he climbed up on a transformer that had 44,000 volts running through each of the thee lines powering it. The ensuing room temperature transition was, according to this Talibanma fishwrap "instantaneous". Substantiating everything this pagan ever said about intellectual ability in Talibanma, "officials" felt the need to conduct an autopsy on our human gene pool improvement volunteer. Will anyone be 'stunned' when a preliminary assessment cites 'electrocution' as the cause of death? There are times - this being one of them - when "well, duh" doesn't even come close. Self
Inflicted Legicrap Wound In their zeal to pass legicrap that would keep teenagers attending private parties from imbibing adult beverages, Theocratica (The state formerly known as Virginia) legicrats, inadvertently, made such underage swilling street legal. Due to the language used in a certain amendment, the bill allows people who throw a party in their domicile to serve adult beverage to anyone, regardless of the imbiber's age. At press time, legicrats were frantically beseeching Governor Mark Warner to 'fix it'. This legicrap lunacy is a slam dunk for PIG's Golden D'Oh Top Ten. If
At First... A Southern-fried desperado named Richard Cook is in such a deep professional rut that he stole the same guitar, amp and boob tube from its rightful owner for the second time in four years. Going for the coveted Golden D'Oh double, he took his loot to the same guitar store that helped nab him the first time around.
Alerted to the theft by the gear's rightful owner, the guitar store owner, Bryn Wilson, called the cops as soon as the rut-bound thief showed up. When the cops bagged our hero trying to cash the check he got for his loot, the proper authorities helped him complete the ultra rare Golden D'Oh triple by offering him accommodations in the same graybar he'd occupied four years earlier. Dumber than a box of rocks? You better believe it, Golden D'Oh Triple Sparky. A Golden
D'oh Adventure When voters in a village named North Hempstead (New York, probably, but don't quote me) went to the voting booths to select their new mayor, the results were, virtually, a foregone conclusion since village's two term mayor, James Neville, was the only candidate on the ballot. Too smug for his own good, James counted his chickens much too soon, so he didn't even mount a campaign. James found out on election eve, that the outcome was not etched in stone:
Kudos to John Maher for demonstrating, with telling efficiency, that the election ain't over until the votes are counted. Adventures
In Advanced Stupidity Middletown,
Virginia
Our hero measured a nifty 0.25, landing him squarely in the exclusive, twice in the same day, DUI club. Already a winner, this story gets better, because our hero, Roger L. Ashley, is Middletown's (Virginia) Chief of Police. And now, we all know the rest of the story. London,
England
Alerted by a call from the bookmaker shop clerk, Brit cops had no trouble tracking this fool down. He'll have ample time to assess where his scheme went awry as an honored graybar guest. He's destined to thrill his cellmates spitless when he explains how he tried to hold up a bookie armed with a banana. And how was your day? Raleigh,
North Carolina The housebreaking part went swimmingly, yielding $7,600 worth of loot, including 8 firearms and a computer that they stored in their car...Yes, that car. Then it happened: one of these bright bulbs locked them out of their getaway ride with the keys inside. That's when the alert neighbor spotted them. During the ensuing police chase, shots were exchanged, but, ironically, not one bullet found its mark. Eventually, justice prevailed and the three desperados are in the slammer facing 21 felony counts. Bail ranges from $100,000 to $150,000 per desperado, so it's safe to assume that these Einsteins aren't going anywhere, for the foreseeable future. Washington,
D.C. Afterthought: A Golden
'D'Oh' Epic Former Connecticut state prosecutor, Peter Soulsby, got a whole new perspective on the justice system when, on his return home after attending a party at Chief State's Attorney Christopher Morano's domicile, our hero got nabbed by an alert state trooper. Going for the first time lawbreaker brass ring, our pal Pete rang up the following infractions:
Since he's no longer employed as a state's prosecutor, Pete doesn't qualify for Golden D'Oh bonus points. Don't despair, Pete, you scored damn well, for a first-timer. FEBRUARY 2005
The Horny Housebreaker Caper Source: CBS (Utah boob tube affiliate) [02/27] A Utah hormone gorilla got sidetracked while robbing a South Jordan (Utah) home, when he let his 'little head' overrule the head that also serves as his hatrack. The breaking and entering went as planned, then his nads erupted and the rest, as they say, is history:
When the homeowners unexpected return interrupted the lad's...festivities, he took off like a scalded mutt, leaving his wallet - and all that tattletale I.D. - behind to assist police in his capture. Aspiring desperados can learn a valuable lesson from this terminally horny punk's antics: take care of the little head's...business, before you venture out on that criminal adventure. Not
Your Daddy's Crime Spree Authorities from sea to shining sea need to be on maximum alert for a Brit named Richard Smith during his 18,000 mile jaunt to break certain Amerikan laws. Inspired by a board game, our hero will perpetrate such dastardly - no shit illegal - deeds as:
These and other archaic edicts are on Richard's radar, so stay alert for relentless fun. I can't be the only one who thinks Richard has entirely too much free time on his hands. The
Missing Fishwrap Caper When Jack Pacheco learned that his drug arrest landed him on the front page of a weekly fishwrap called 'The Cowchilla News', he spent the entire morning, buying up every copy of the paper that he could find. His reputation saving quest garnered a nifty 500-600 papers, but the story didn't end there. When people called the paper asking why no copies were available, the fishwrap printed off a second run and sold them out of their main office, revealing Jack's shame to the whole town. Jack swears that his arrest is bogus, insisting that the meth bagged by the cops belonged to a relative's friend. Yeah right, dude, and the dog ate your homework, no doubt. Dumber
Than A Box Of Rocks A Windy City desperado made a once-in-a-lifetime bid for the Criminal Stupidity Hall of Shame, a few months ago, when he called into a boom box talk show to brag about his latest caper, a bank heist that netted the thieves a nifty $81,000. It took a while, but thanks to this dipstick's bragging, the proper authorities finally tracked him down this week and offered him a guest suite in the local graybar hotel. Thanks, entirely, to the details he spewed over the airwaves, and the cell phone number he gave the station, Randy Washington is slammer bait, along with his pal William Slate. Four, slightly more elusive, suspects are still out there, but they, too, are living on borrowed time. Look up "loudmouthed moron" in your Webster's and you'll find Randy's mug shot. Smile
You're On... A Brit desperado ran afoul of 21st Century technology when he broke into a home to bag £3,719 worth of loot, including a computer system. The pesky technological detail that elevated this crime above and beyond Benjamin Park's prior 33 convictions is served up by this Brit fishwrap as follows:
Armed with the perp's mug shot, Brit justice system officials lurched into action, offering our hero a guest gig in a Brit graybar for the next 2 years. This didn't begin to satisfy Mr. Grisby and PIG isn't doing cartwheels either. A 34-time loser, Ben is, by any meaningful standard, beyond redmeption, so why waste time and money jailing him? My lovely bride's one-size-fits-all solution works perfectly in this instance: just shoot the bastard. A Golden
D'Oh Epic When a cheesehead hormone gorilla (Wisconsin teenage lad) named Dylan Schmid took two home boys to score some weed, he got a lot more - and a lot less - than he expected. The weed transaction started out well, when our hero tracked down his connection at a Sparta (Wis) mobile home park. The sale went as planned, but that all changed when the trio paused on their return home to sample the weed.
Law and order purists will be pleased to hear that Dylan, his home boys, and the dealer have ample time to sort out their differences in their new graybar digs. Don't these happy endings make you a bit misty? Afterthought: Criminal
Stupidity Daily Double Lost,
Found, Busted Would he be dumb enough to go pick it up in person? He would, could and did, earning free accommodations in the local graybar. Dumber than a box of rocks? You better believe it, jailbird Sparky. Appearances
Are Deceiving
The newly enlightened desperado's critical mistake involves picking on a venerable gentleman who was German lightweight boxing champion in 1936. Herr Brinkmann might not be that fleet of foot, but he still packs a deadly right hook. Gerhard, dude, you are still the man! Human
Gene Pool Improvement - Domestic One of Mexifornia's intellectual flat-liners achieved room temperature this week when he had his nitwit brother tow him with the family SUV while our hero rode his skateboard. According to the relevant men in blue, this Einstein scored his untimely demise, while the two motored through along the city streets in a Ford Explorer:
Shortly after Cecilio was deemed DOA at a local hospital, his brother, Patrick accepted civic accommodations for 'vehicular manslaughter'. Fear not, loyal readers, the news isn't all bad for Patrick. He did earn a well-deserved 'assist' for helping improve the human gene pool. I'm sure he'll be suitably thrilled when someone gives him this breaking news. Non-Verbal
Communication 101 Pittsburgh denizen, Stephen Corey, had one of 'those' days, last July when a state trooper named, Samuel Nassan III, bagged him for following another vehicle too closely. While passing the aforementioned trooper, our hero, Stevie, Emerilized his situation when he signaled for a lane change by giving Trooper Nassan the infamous finger. Unamused by this exercise in non-verbal communication, Trooper Nassan tacked on an addition charge: "making an improper hand signal". D'oh, sums it up perfectly, but I'm guessing that Stevie's prose was much more colorful. Unwilling to accept this infringement of his freedom of non-verbal speech, Stevie filed a federal lawsuit claiming that 'the finger' is protected by the First Amendment to our Constitution. Is 'the finger' an exercise in free speech? It should be, but Trooper Nassan begs to differ: "Absolutely, he has a right to shoot his middle finger at me unless it's in plain view of the motoring public." Where, exactly, did the founding fathers hide that goodie, Trooper Nassan? Which part of free speech don't you understand? A Golden
D'oh Hall of Fame Contender Did you hear the one about the Connecticut emergency management bureaucrat who "accidentally" pushed the wrong button and, inadvertently, sent out an order over the state's emergency alert system that the state - every damn bit of it - needed to be evacuated? No shit, it really happened this week. The state's emergency alert apparatus lurched into action, prompting boom box and boob tube outlets to spread the alarming, empty the state now, news. Luckily, before a mad dash for the nearest border got rolling, emergency management nitwits caught the mistake and rescinded the order. Regular PIG News readers won't be shocked or dismayed to learn that this pagan scribbler has a couple issues with this story. For starters, this incident begs the obvious question: did any of the state's denizens heed this 'get out of Dodge' edict from the state's emergency management nitwits? Another question that needs an answer is this: why the hell does the state have a button that sets off a border to border, everybody must get the hell out, evacuation? Is Connecticut harboring some deep, dark secret that we're not allowed to know? Have they been threatened by a hostile, extraterrestrial, armada that was told by their deity to set up the new promised land in Connecticut? Has Old Ka-Boom been making "I shall smite thee like I did Sodom and Gomorrah" noises? What's up in Connecticut anyway? Is there something we need to know before we stray too close to this east coast enclave? Afterthought JANUARY 2005
Stupid Criminal Tricks Source: Minneapolis Star-Tribune [01/28] The masked desperado entered an Asian grocery store in the early evening, brandished a gun then demanded the store's money. For reason's I don't begin to comprehend, the desperado then laid the gun on the counter while reaching for the money. That's when the caper careened off the desperado rails. Snatching up the gun, the store clerk persuaded the desperado to get out of the store. From there, this true crime adventure strays into the twilight zone, when the robber returned three minutes later, demanding the return of his gun:
Thanks to the desperado's ineptitude, the men in blue quickly tracked him down and persuaded him to accept civic accommodations while he awaits a court date for first-degree aggravated robbery. And how was your day. A Golden
D'oh Contender A typo on the station's price setting computer thrilled an Omaha gas station's customers big time when, instead of the prevailing $1.89 per gallon, it set the price at a nifty 18 cents per gallon. By the time the station's owners caught on to the mistake an estimated 500 gallons were sold at the rock bottom price, setting the owners back a cool $1,000 in lost revenue. It's safe to assume that, whatever the station owner said when he got the thrilling news, it was considerably more colorful that Homer's all purpose "D'Oh". The
Bank Bag Caper Three Macedonian desperados had it all going their way when they knocked over a bank in Skopje, up to a point. After demanding money from the bank manager, they spotted an overstuffed bank bag sitting on the counter. Eager to start spending their ill-gotten gains, the desperados grabbed the bag and made off with their boodle. We're left to imagine their 'thrill' when they finally opened the bag and got their first look at the...loot. A police spokesman serves up this epic's Paul Harvey Moment, with 'the rest of the story':
Crime, in this instance, damn sure didn't "pay", but you can bet the proverbial farm that the desperados aren't going hungry. We are, in this instance, very damn amused. What
Is This Fool Smoking? Look up "dumb ass" in your dictionary and you'll find Springfield (Massachusetts) denizen, Darrell Jenkins', mug shot. Darrell snatched the 'jaw-dropping stupidity' brass ring when he paid his "destruction of property under $250" bail with counterfeit money. As a result, his original $500 bail was Emerilized to a hefty $5,000. It's mental midgets like Darrell who gave criminal stupidity a bad name. A Golden
D'Oh Contender One day before he completed his Montgomery (Talibanma) gray bar hotel sojourn for assorted, minor, traffic violations, Kevin Nelson decided to grant himself on early release from jail. Instead of returning to the graybar after his work-release stint, he tried his hand at robbery. Craving a cash infusion, our intellectually-challenged hero grabbed some cash from a Rite-Aid pharmacy then sealed his fate by hailing a cab. Alerted by the messages coming over his police scanner, the cabbie, Teddy Lawley, knew exactly what he needed to do:
Kevin can stop planning his jail release celebration, because, he's not going any-damn-where, now. Chin up, Kevin, you're a slam dunk for this week's Golden D'Oh Award. Desperado
Deja Vu A Poulsbo (Washington) desperado came full circle when, after knocking over a Chevron station - plus surviving the ensuing 100mph car chase - he ended his adventure at the same gas station.
After this mind-numbing return to the scene of the crime, the perpetrator and his home boy accepted civic accommodations in the local graybar. Book 'em, Dano. Golden
D'Oh Daily Double Cleveland,
Ohio
Our hero is reconsidering his hobby selection as an honored Cleveland graybar guest. Crossword puzzles are cool and they're safe at any speed, dude. Melbourne,
Florida
Joshua's return engagement with the judge promises to get very noisy. Ear plugs are no longer optional equipment. Textbook
Ineptitude At first, the hotel heist went swimmingly, when the Colorado desperados tied up the Castle Rock Hampton Inn's manager then made off with the hotel's safe. From that point, the caper came apart like a cheap suit.
Oh, there's one more tidbit: the hotel's safe was empty when the desperados stole it. Book 'em, Dano. Criminal stupidity in the first degree. Afterthoughts Issue 1: Why, exactly, did these intellectually-challenged wingnuts steal the hotel manager's jacket? Issue 2: Since it took the cops a couple days to track them down, why did these bright bulbs keep the safe after they opened it? It
Seemed Like A Good Idea A West Haven (Connecticut) mutant hatched a major league brain-fart when he accidentally locked his keys in his ride. What to do? After rejecting such mainstream notions as calling the auto club or dialing up a locksmith, 35-year-old Timothy Brown called the West Haven fire department, claiming - bogusly - that his ride was on fire. Singularly unamused, the West Haven FD phoned the West Haven PD, instantly, rendering those unreachable car keys the least of Tim's problems. When last seen, our hero was a gray bar guest until he could score $25,000 for bail. Do I really need to tell you don't try this at home? |
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