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PIG
NEWS DIGEST
| INTELLECTUAL FLATLINERS | CRIMINAL STUPIDITY | DARWINIAN JUSTICE
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JANUARY
2004
Our
First Golden D'oh Epic
Source: Newsday When you're under house arrest on a drug charge, don't celebrate the New Year by standing on your front lawn firing a gun into the air. Don't take my word for it, ask Philly denizen, Luis Otero, a man who did just that and earned 5 years up the river for being a felon with a firearm. Congratulations Luis, you're our first 2004 Golden D'oh candidate. Snap
Crackle Pop In North Carolina A Southern-fried rustic managed to get his remote-controlled plane stuck up a tree, so he fetched a long metal pole to dislodge it with amazing results. We aren't sure if he got his plane down, but we know for a fact that he got a fatal electrical infusion when his metal pole played 'tag, you're it' with a power line. Before you can say 'zap' he got a room temperature transition and the dubious honor of becoming this pagan's first human gene pool improvement inductee for 2004. Posthumous kudos are eagerly bestowed by this pagan scribbler. Inseparable
To The End After a New Year's eve fusillade with a 9mm pistol, Mark Gagne decided he and his weapon needed a boob tube infusion. He checked the weapon by pulling back the slide, then stuffed the gun between his right leg and the arm of his chair while he zoned out on boob tube fare. About 3am, he Emerilized his antics with a 9mm 'Bam' because he forgot that pulling back the 9mm's slide left the gun cocked.
By the time his wife called 911 and the paramedics got there - no more than 4 minutes later - sure-shot bled himself into a room temperature transition. Human gene pool improvement? You better damn believe it, self-inflicted wound Sparky. A
Second Amendment Epic A Columbus (Ohio) denizen gave three home invasion desperados a Constitutional lesson when she demonstrated her Second Amendment right 'to keep and bear arms'. They broke in, she grabbed her gun, then sent them packing with a fusillade that wounded one and had all three frantically trying to escape. Maybe these Buckeye desperados should use their gray bar hotel stay to do some remedial 'home study' on the Second Amendment's real world implications. Kudos to this Constitutionally-correct woman for her timely marksmanship demonstration. A
Puzzling Intellectual Flat-Liner Epic A Colonia (New Jersey) denizen tried - and nearly succeeded - to blow himself up when he got an explosive brain-fart that included gun powder in significant quantities. Since this happened in the early hours on January 1, we can safely assume he intended to perpetrate some noisy New Year celebration. Given the facts, we can also assume that he'd imbibed adult beverage in significant quantities. His stunt started in the wee hours when he dug a hole in his front yard and filled it with gun powder. He then Emerilized his adventure giving new meaning to Emeril's legendary 'BAM':
KA-BOOM! Our hero lands several feet away, with second and third degree burns on his upper body including his hands, arms, chest and face. If you see Mother Nature, ask her why, exactly, she decided to spare this idiot. It's an Enquiring minds want to know thing. A
'Daring' Desperado? An Arkansas desperado - described as a 'Hispanic' who uses 'kids clothes for a mask' when he perpetrates his armed robbery capers - seems to have all the necessary crime spree credentials, with one notable exception. When, armed with an unidentified weapon, he tried to rob a Fort Smith, Arkansas stop and rob outlet, the store owner saw his weapon and raised him by pulling out a sword. That fast, our nadless desperado - wearing some kid's overalls over his face to hide his shame, no doubt - beat a hasty retreat. Attention aspiring desperados: Nads are not optional equipment. Don't leave home without them. You heard it here, first. Our
First 2004 Turkey Fryer Inferno If you ever wondered what would happen if you set up a known fire hazzard called a turkey fryer on an apartment building balcony, wonder no more, because a Georgia intellectual flat-liner tried it, managed to destroy an eight unit apartment complex and lef at least 17 people homeless. If you require the thrilling details, knock yourself out:
Sooner or later, some shyster will deem turkey fryers a public policy crisis then sue the socks off capitalists who sell these ready-made infernos to intellectual flat-liners. I can't wait to get started, because this scribbler loves these turkey fryer inferno epics. So sue me...On second thought...never mind. Human
Gene Pool Improvement A 19-year old cornhusker dude managed to inflict a fatal knife wound on himself during a hunting trip. Apparently, he carried the knife, unsheathed, stumbled, severed an artery in his leg with the 6-inch carver, then bled to death before he could get proper medical attention. Since he's 19, you'd think that human gene pool improvement has been achieved, but that's only partially true. Our hero is recently married - last November - with a 15-month-old daughter. You don't need a super computer to determine that baby girl preceded her parents nuptials by a year or more. A 19-year-old who is married and a father? What's wrong with this picture? This is no shit a time when this pagan must caution: don't try this at home. Adventures
In Blue I If you're wanted for attempted murder and kidnaping then get lost, asking for directions is cool, unless the men you ask are off-duty cops. Our hero asked and they answered, but something about our hero wasn't quite right so they ran his plates. Spooked, the directionally-challenged desperado took off with the men in blue in hot pursuit. Faster than you can say 'spike strip' our hero's ride is black flagged and he's a guest in the city's gray bar hotel. Case closed. The trouble with asking is that you can't be that sure you'll like the answer. Adventures
in Blue II A motorist got, understandably, annoyed when a clown driving an SUV ignored the traffic signal and kept talking to a dude on the sidewalk. Eventually, the motorist pulled alongside the SUV asshat then told the dude to pull over and stop blocking traffic. The SUV clown cussed the motorist - not his smartest move - since the motorist in question is a cop driving an unmarked police car.
Already in hot water for driving a stolen ride on a suspended license, Rico Emerilized his justice system encounter by being caught possessing cocaine and 'a large amount of cash'. Rico's mouthing off to a cop landed this dipstick in serious shit. The various charges mean that Rico will have ample time for a refresher course in good manners. That works for this pagan scribbler. Cheesehead
Chump 'Cheesehead' takes on a new meaning thanks to Wisconsin denizen, Timothy Dumouchel. This intellectual flat-liner is suing his cable company (Charter Communications) because he, his wife and their offspring are all couch potatoes. I know what you're thinking and so does Tim who played 'disconnect my damn cable' with Charter for more than 4 years now, but the company never gets the job done. Going the extra mile he moved his boob tube into the basement, far from the cable outlet, but his bride moved it right back and re-connected the cable. '..."I believe that the reason I smoke and drink every day and my wife is overweight is because we watched TV every day for the last four years," Dumouchel stated in a written complaint against the company...' (Reporter) Tim wants '$5,000 or three computers, and a lifetime supply of free Internet service from Charter Communications' (Reporter), but that prods this pagan scribbler to bring up several issues with Timmy boy: 1
- It's not Charter's fault that your wife wears
the plus-size pants in the family, Tim. Tim, dude the solution is obvious. First, take all your boob tubes to the nearest landfill. Next, take family - walking - trips to a local bookstore and/or library, then get your entertainment from books. Finally, grow a god damn spine. This is all Charter's fault? I way don't think so, Tim. Thawing
Out - Instantaneously A Croat bright bulb who found his car engine frozen decided to thaw it out with 'hot' off the presses results. Piling up papers beneath the car's engine compartment, he - I am not making this up - set the papers on fire. The ensuing explosion rendered moot the 'burning' question - Is the engine thawed yet - but did confirm, to everyone's satisfaction that this Croat bright bulb is dumber than a box of rocks. Do I really need to warn my real winter readers not to try this at home? Probably not, but consider yourselves warned, anyway. Criminally
Stupid If you're driving a stolen pickup truck that's loaded with stolen loot, get a flat tire and need help, calling the men in blue for roadside assistance is not an idea whose time has come. Believe it or not, that's what a certain twenty-something Kansas desperado did, forcing this pagan scribbler to ask: Dude, what the hell were you smoking. Our hero has ample time to consider that - and assorted other life-transforming questions - now that he's housed in the local gray bar hotel. Dumber than a box of rocks? You better believe it, Jayhawker Sparky. An
Improbable Snakebite Adventure A light-fingered Jersey thief got a painful reality check from Mother Nature's little helpers when he stole two snakes from a local pet store. Grabbing the snakes he stuffed them into a special bag he'd sewn into his pants, setting the stage for our Paul Harvey moment. While the twenty-something thief drove home with two tiger pythons in his pants, one critter escaped the bag, wrapped itself around his leg then repaid its liberator by biting the dude...in the nads! Am I the only one who noticed that Mother Nature is a very twisted witch? I doubt it, but consider yourselves warned, loyal readers. The
Human Factor Two stories from Spokane (Washington) illustrate, perfectly, how unforseen human intrusions can spoil a caper:
Item 1: Citizen's Arrest He entered the bank, brandished his gun and had the situation well in hand when...
That's right, true crime fans, bank customers jumped Eric and 'held him for police'...held him for police is polite fishwrap prose for 'beat the living snot out him'. Some days, it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. So be it. Item
2: Lost and Found
Unable to escape and unwilling to endure the stares inside the eatery, the asshat trio hide behind cars, shivering in the 20-degree weather until the men in blue arrived to offer them a ride and a blanket. Deeming this 'no harm, no foul', neither the eatery or the cops pressed charges. The dreaded human factor is two for two in Spokane. Improving
the Human Gene Pool, With a Bang Two armed and clueless teens from Mississippi practiced their marksmanship in an abandoned house, with stop the presses results. Using a 20-gauge shotgun, they used 'an old army ammunition box' for target practice. When they hit it, everyone for miles around knew about it.
When the dynamite that filled the box exploded, everyone within a 5 mile radius heard it go off. That leaves us with the essential question. Were these dipsticks knowingly blazing away at a box full of dynamite, or is this just a propitious factoid? Guns don't always kill, but stupidity is, invariably, lethal. Victimless
Crimes? Philadelphia cops who wasted time and tax dollars staking out a local play for pay, horizontal entertainment purveyor, got a nasty shock when they spotted a very familiar face emerging from this notorious pleasure palace. That brings us to our Paul Harvey Moment and the rest of the story:
City hacks are shocked, shocked I tell you, but I'm singularly unimpressed by their chest beating. If anything is shocking here it's the criminal waste of precious police resources on a victimless crime like prostitution. Chief Leason deserves whatever he gets for being a hypocrite. Obviously, he knows that prostitution laws are asinine infringements on inalienable liberty, but he lacks that nads to do the right thing about it. Book him, Dano, hypocrisy in the first degree. FEBRUARY 2004
Bright Bulb Adventures
Sources: Ledger (Lakeland, Florida); AP Two bright bulb epics made the news worth reading today. Splashdown Impatience Is Painful '...[he] was trying to squeeze under the cars when the train began backing up Tuesday night, said Lumberton police Officer Steve Hardin...' (AP) Thanks to his impatience, our hero had one leg nearly amputated and the other severely fractured. In serious condition at Duke University's medical center, our impatient hero can practice the relevant pagan scribbler mantra: Don't try this at home. Mystery Solved? The White House, inadvertently, demonstrated why the Bush minions can't find Iraq's WMDs, and they did it in flyover country. Based on this thrilling epic, it's obvious that reading a map is a challenge that all the president's men haven't mastered. Lining up all the political ducks in a row for a Lapdog visit to Springfield, Missouri, these geographically- challenged dweebs contacted the officials in Springfield...Illinois. '..the Secret Service called Springfield, Ill., this week trying to arrange a visit by President George W. Bush. But then the president's security detail realized its mistake, understanding Bush wanted to go to the Show-Me State and not the Land of Lincoln...' (AP) Perhaps, we'd have more luck finding Saddam's WMD stockpiles if those in charge knew rudimentary geography. Given this Springfield caper, I'm wondering if we dispatched our seekers to the right country. Just in case, the Lapdog needs a hint, I'll remind him that we're not looking for Saddam's WMDs in Iran...He needs to look for them in Iraq. Flatliner Epics
- Foreign And Domestic Near and far, alleged humans continue to amaze and amuse this pagan scribbler. Today we offer three stop the presses epics, one from far off Finland, another from Russia, plus one that's pathetically close to home in Hell-A. Human Crash Dummy Nobody, including the proper authorities was shocked senseless when this clown's blood alcohol level came in a whopping 4-times the legal limit. Holy unsafe at any speed, Batman! Daddy's Last Brainfart Proving that 'well duh' is alive and well in Hell-A bureaucracy, Coroner's office spokes-dolts attributed this asshat's room temperature transition to "multiple blunt-force injuries". No shit, Sherlock. Risky Ruskie Sex
Games Home-Brewed Inferno Craving a brewskie and too cheap to pony up the necessary dead presidents at his local adult beverage purveyor, a Southern-fried asshat decided to perpetrate some home-brewed suds. The initial phase - boiling a large pot filled with sugar and water - went swimmingly, so swimmingly that this bright bulb decided to leave the pot boiling while he ran an errand. Big fun. We're not told how his errand went, but we know for a fact that
his unattended fire did what unattended fires, invariably
do. That's right sports fans, this genius gutted
his apartment, plus, he subjected his neighbors
to smoke and water damage. Although he's not being
charged for his brain-fart, I'm guessing that his
neighbors will exact their own revenge. That works
just fine for me. MARCH 2004
Even The Smart Ones Get The Occasional Brain-Fart
Source: Boston Herald [3/31] Weldong Xu is described by this Boston fishwrap as a former researcher at the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute and a one-time Harvard University professor. During the height of the recent SARS scare, he flimflammed at least $600,000 in dead president from his co-workers, students and friends, claiming the boodle would be used to set up a SARS research cabal in China. And what, you ask did he really do with the boodle? Fast cars? Gambling? Fast Women? Nope, nope and nope, respectively. '...Xu claims he used the money
to invest in a questionable Nigerian business
offer he received via e-mail that promised a
$50 million profit...' (Boston Herald)
That's right Ivory Tower fans, this egghead fell for that Nigerian e-mail scam...big damn time. This clown is teaching our 'best and brightest' at Harvard? What's wrong with this picture? Human Gene Pool Improvement Source: AP [3/31] A roofing contractor achieved room temperature - and not a moment too soon - when he decided to take a break. 'Break' is a word that's doing double duty in this epic...but I digress...yes, again. For reasons we'll never know, this bright bulb decided to rest his weary bones by sitting on the skylight, not the smartest move he ever made. '...Fire Chief Joel Gordon says
the skylight shattered under the worker's weight
when he sat down and he fell about 20 feet into
a school bathroom that was also under construction...'
(AP)
At age 45, our hero had ample time to pollute the human gene pool, but we can take some comfort from the fact that he can't damage it any further. It's half glass full time in the Stealth bunker. Adventures In Stupidity Source: Florida Boob Tube [3/29] A land of hanging chads dolt played with fire and he's the one who got burned. It happened after the dude got into shouting match with his girlfriend. Far from thrilled with the outcome, he decided to exact some payback by throwing a 'commercial firework' at her. It all went according to plan...up to a point: The 18 inch fuse appeared to give him ample time to light it drive up to his wench and toss the firework. Alas, appearances, in this instance, were deceiving, because 30 seconds later our bright bulb hero noticed the fuse was essentially 'gone', so he dropped the explosive into his lap and no shit tried to blow his nads off. Ouch...big damn time. '...Neighbors who heard the explosion
ran to the car, saw the man on fire and used
a fire extinguisher to put out the flames...'
(Local6)
Do I really need to warn you not to try this at home? Dirt Kisser Wisdom Source: Reuters [3/26] "When Sunday loses its fundamental
meaning and becomes subordinate to a secular
concept of 'weekend' dominated by such things
as entertainment and sport, people stay locked
within a horizon so narrow that they can no
longer see the heavens." (The Dirt Kisser
as quoted by Reuters)
It's safe to assume that the Dirt Kisser never heard of 'March Madness'. A Walking Lone Star Bull's-Eye Source: Houston Chronicle [3/19] If it weren't for bad luck, 60-year old Houston denizen Donnie Mack Hall wouldn't have any luck at all. First, he manages to get hit by a slow-moving train. Then, a car hit the ambulance taking him to the hospital. Be afraid, dude, be very afraid. Somebody 'up there' painted a bull's-eye on your butt. Another W Golden D'oh Source: Newsday [3/19] Last year, W banished Burma's products to punish its military dictatorships for some damn thing, but the dolts running his official presidential re-election web site didn't get the memo. That's right irony fans - and we both know who you are - he's selling official re-elect W merchandise made in...Burma. '...The merchandise sold on www.georgewbushstore.com
includes a $49.95 fleece pullover, embroidered
with the Bush-Cheney '04 logo and bearing a
label stating it was made in Burma, now Myanmar....'
(Newsday)
W's comedy of errors continues to amaze and amuse this pagan scribbler. Stranded Supernaturalist Source: AP [03/05] When a supernaturalist brain-fart does a header into a secular government edict, the results are always thrilling. If you don't believe me, ask the photo-phobic Amish dude who got stranded in Canada after visiting his sick father. No doubt Amerikan border guards were impressed and then some when the dude quoted the Blood-Soaked-Tome's graven image prohibition. Our Amish Hero had to be beyond thrilled when they explained that he needed a photo I.D. if he wanted to re-enter the USA. If
you know any Amish dweebs, explain to them that
we secular asshats invented a nifty goodie or
two since they dreamed up their supernaturalism.
On such goodie is called "a national border",
an imaginary line that you can't cross without
some I.D. What will we think of next?APRIL 2004 APRIL 2004
International Human Gene Pool
Improvement '...Hamas said the bomber
was on his way to try to infiltrate into Israel,
accompanied by another Hamas member and a
guide, when they were stopped by the armed
men. The robbers forced the bomber to
lie on the ground and tried to steal the bomb,
but the militant detonated it, killing all
three. The other Hamas man and the guide escaped....'
(Scotsman)
Ka-Boom...Triple gene pool improvement. The only way this gets better involves nailing the two terrorist asshats who got away, but 60% - 3 out of a possible 5 - is stellar in any league. Afterthought Does the bomb-packing asshat still get his virgins for blowing up two of his Mecca Maniac home boys? Or, do dead Mecca Maniac muggers relegate him to sloppy - almost virgin - seconds? Adventures In Stupidity Source: Newsday [4/19] Stupidy, adult beverage and fire are a deadly mixture that transformed an Empire State dude into an extra-crispy room temperature [eventually] asshat. The thrilling epic unfolded - ironically - on the appropriately named Fire Island, when a 59-year old dude issued an adult beverage-induced challenge to his roommate. Our hero, Thomas Woods, set fire to his abode's rug, watched it get rolling, then boasted that he could stay in the burning domicile longer than his roommate. At first, the roommate played the dangerous game, but, eventually, he ran next door to call for help, leaving our hero alone to savor the flesh-burning stench of his extra crispy victory. Human gene pool improvement is doubtful, in this case, for two reasons. First, at age 59, our hero had ample time to perpetrate his intellectual flatliner DNA. Second, given Fire Island's thriving GLAAD BAAG community, it's quite likely that our pyromaniac wasn't even in the gene pool polluting game. No harm, no foul sums it up nicely. A Party To Die For Source: Newsday [4/18] When gravity goes head-to-head with stupidity, gravity wins, every time, a fun fact that leads us to today's human gene pool improvement epic. After getting the heave-ho at not one, but two loft parties in a converted Hell's Kitchen factory, a dude achieved room temperature trying to gain entry by non-standard means via the building's air shaft. The next day, the building's janitor discovered the 25-year-old party animal enjoying room temperature solitude at the bottom of the building's air shaft. Gravity still works, even on mental lightweights. Film at eleven. Snake-Bitten For The Lord Source: Stealth News Wire [4/14] A Southern-fried cross cult padre achieved room temperature during an Easter service that involved - I couldn't make this up if I tried - handling live, notoriously-ornery rattlesnakes. Which verse in the Tome mandates French-kissing a rattler to demonstrate your devotion to old ka-boom? I gotta give that Tome prose a second...possibly a third...look. Proving how bonkers these Virginia supernaturalists are, the members of the Pentecostal congregation didn't call for a medical professional to assist snake-bitten Reverend Dwayne Long. Why? You're gonna love it: dying from a snakebite during a service is a sign that old ka-boom called your number. Go figure. If anyone called Dwayne's number it was the rattler, but I'd give an assist to a twisted wench I call Mother Nature. Survey Says... Source: AP [4/14] Mexas voters passed judgement on frock-bonkers state legicrap candidate Sam Walls, sending this admitted cross-dresser back into the closet [See "All Dressed Up In Mexas", 04/06/2004]. Forgiveness, apparently, was not forthcoming. So be it. Mister Cranky Pants Phone Home Source: Stealth News Wire [4/12] A 4-foot gator with an attitude went missing from Sydney's Australian Reptile Park when thieves made off the aptly named "Mister Cranky Pants". Aussie officials opine that the critter justified his moniker so majorly that his behavior prompted the gator-napping desperados to abandon him in a nearby creek. It's happy ending time in the Stealth Bunker. An Explosive Room Temperature Transition Source: Anchorage Daily News [4/11] Today's safety tip: If your wood stove won't light, don't kick it up a notch by dosing the wood with diesel fuel. An Alaskan dim bulb found out - painfully - that the ensuing 'bam' can be deadly. '...Troopers said [Gene]
Stuart was relighting a fire by tossing diesel
fuel on the wood. An ember apparently caused
the fuel to explode. The resulting fire
quickly spread, engulfing the cabin...'
(Daily News)
Unambiguously moronic, Gene's room temperature transition doesn't make the human gene pool improvement cut, since, at age 62, our hero has already been around long enough to perpetrate his stupidity-tainted DNA. All Dressed Up In Mexas Source: Fort Worth Star-Telegram [4/6] A Mexas hack who is campaigning to become a state legicrat got instant name recognition - among other things - when photos of the 64-year-old alleged dude dressed in drag started making the rounds. Not exactly thrilled, the dude’s elephant clan home boys urged him to quit the race, but our hero, Sam Walls, trotted out an innovative defense. "Through intermediaries,
my opponent told me to drop out of the campaign
or the private information would be released,"
Walls said. "Now my opponent is using the
private information in an attempt to intimate
that I am a homosexual, which I am not." (Star-Telegram)
Hmm, we better review this, together. Cross dressing is cool, unless you’re a homo? Somehow that Tome prose eluded me. If anyone can quote chapter and verse, uh...never mind. A dude wearing a frilly frock is bad enough, unless you’ve got RuPaul’s gams. It may not be a mortal sin for Sam to play ‘dress up’, but a 64-year-old geezer in a dress is no shit an obscenity, no matter which sexual team he’s on. I’m sure we’re all delighted to hear that he apologized to his family and they forgave him. We won’t know how forgiving the Mexas electorate is, until the votes are tallied. Afterthought: A burning question needs to be answered: If Sam wins his election, what will he wear to his swearing in ceremony? Things That Go 'Bang' In The Night A Washington
(state) dolt managed to shoot himself in chest
while sound asleep and lived to tell about
it. UPI does the heavy lifting, this
time out, with these riveting details: '...The
Seattle Post-Intelligencer reported Saturday
that the man, who was not identified, went
to bed Thursday night with a loaded .22-caliber
revolved tucked under his pistol. Sometime
during the night, the gun discharged and shot
him in the chest, but he apparently didn't
realize he was wounded until he awoke early
Friday...'
Holy sound sleepers, Batman! No shit, Sherlock. MAY 2004
A Golden D'Oh Contender
Source: Rueters [5/24] Today's head-slapping stupidity is served up by the Formula One team that decided to attach a diamond worth 120,000 pounds (about $180,000 in dead presidents) to the front of their race car. During the Monaco Grand Prix, the intellectual flat-liner chickens came home to roost when the diamond-studded Jag did a header into the guard rail. By the time team stupid got their car back, the glitter was long gone. Who said attending a Formula One race isn't an enriching experience. High Roller Insurance executive Mitchell Blaser - he's Chief Financial Officer for Swiss Reinsurance Company - got a $28,000 (dead presidents) reality check when he treated two pals to a T & A packed evening at a Big Apple topless club called Scores. When Mitch's credit card bill slapped some sense into him, our hero didn't blame his 'little head' for leading him astray. Instead, he sued the club for racking up bogus credit card charges. That leads us to another Paul Harvey Moment:
Mitch's credit card company - American Express - investigated this whiner's complain, before deeming the Scores bill legit. Adding to the whiner's woes, during Mitch's spending spree, Scores checked - repeatedly - with American Express to verify that his line of credit covered the horndog's booty-inspired spending. How does Swiss Reinsurance justify a Chief Financial Officer who is so blatantly stupid with his own money? Enquiring minds would love to hear them explain that. All Dressed Up Authorities at St. Joseph County Jail issued a dress code to keep their graybar denizens from getting sexually overheated. Since graybar 'guests' all dress alike, in standard prison issue garb, the new dress code applies to visitors in general and female visitors in particular.
This news item's "well, duh" moment is served up by Keith Rininger, the graybar's director of inmate services:
Keith's outburst transcends garden variety stupidity. It's no shit a contender for this pagan's "Well Duh" top ten. It's A Guy Thing Asking a dude to step outside to settle an argument "like men" is standard macho lunacy, but, there are places where it's major league asinine. Case in point, a Brit named Lee Rust, an alleged dude who elevated his macho lunacy to new heights - literally - when he dished up "step outside" prose at 25,000 feet during an airline flight. Is anyone the least bit shocked to learn that adult beverages were involved? I doubt it. Shortly after getting his feet back on terra firma, our hero had a justice system encounter during which a Brit judge gave Lee 3 months in a graybar to pull his head out of his ass. Given Lee's high flying antics, 3 months may not be enough time to finish the task. A Florida Flat-Liner Epic A Florida flat-liner put a flashing light on his Chevy Suburban, bagged some suitable 'cop' duds, then prowled the streets at night, looking for female motorists to pull over. His fun came to a screeching halt when he pulled over the wrong female: an off-duty Palm Beach County Sheriff's deputy. She, instantly, smelled a phony cop rat, an assessment confirmed when our hero flashed a homemade badge that reads: "Miami Vice Pussy Inspector". Anyone craving the rest of the story, including the asshat's mug shot can find all the thrilling details on the Smoking Gun web site. It's A Bird...It's A... The bird bonkers Brits who invaded a local village to gawk at the rare - in England - storks that hang out there got an added bonus, thanks to a clever local. The large owl sat perched on a telegraph pole and it gave them ample time to catch its act.
None of these bird bonkers Brits questioned an owl that never moves? These eager birders can't tell a decoy from the real deal? What's wrong with this picture? Election Year Irony An amendment to extend federal unemployment benefits needed 60 votes to make the cut, but it only garnered 59 votes because one high profile Senator didn't show up for work. This isn't stop the presses news, unless you consider the missing legicrat's identity. I'll give you a hint: lately, he's the vocal champion for Amerika's working men and women. Still confused?
Will the usual media suspects nail Kerry for this? No way in hell, liberal bias Sparky. A Thrilling Boom Box Adventure The stunt-perpetrating intellectual flat-liner is a standard feature on the ubiquitous morning zoo boom box format, so, a stunt-induced injury doesn't normally qualify as breaking news. Except...An alleged human calling himself "Jim the Photographer" made the Stealth Newswire flaming stupidity cut when he got injured - I am not making this up - launching bottle rockets from his butt. That's not a typo...from his butt!
How desperate for attention do you need to get before you let some morning zoo, Stern wannabe talk you into launching a bottle rocket from your butt? Very, and that's a no shit fact. Glass half full readers will be thrilled to learn that Bottle Rocket Butt is on the short list for this pagan scribbler's intellectual flat-liner hall of shame. Human Gene Pool Improvement - International Division A Polish dude achieved room temperature when his stallion got hot and way bothered over a nearby equine hottie. Faster than you can say "chomp", the way woodied stallion went bonkers. The terminally horny critter bit the dude on the neck when he tried to calm the booty-bonkers horse. Mother Nature is a relentlessly frisky wench. Gravity Substantiated, Again A land of hanging chads woman challenged the venerable law of gravity and, as expected, gravity extended its winning streak vs jaw-dropping stupidity. This titanic struggle took place in an Orlando parking garage that features two side-by-side towers that are separated by a two and a half foot gap.
"Damn!"..."I can make it."...Splat!...sums it up perfectly. Mother Nature saw fit to issue this gravity-challenging wench a stern warning, via assorted injuries from her six-story fall. Did our heroine learn her lesson? When I know, you'll know. JUNE 2004
Going Out With A Bang Source: Local 6 (Florida Boob Tube) [06/29] Two Melbourne, Florida asshats thrilled everyone by throwing fireworks out their ride's window, while cruising around the hood. Everything went swimmingly, up to a point, then fate -Mother Nature by any other name - stepped in to end the festivities.
The inferno completely destroyed the car, gave Aravis Walker a fire induced room temperature transition and left Antonio Robinson with burns on 90% of his body. Batting .500 is awesome, but I'm holding out for a human gene pool improvement clean sweep.
Am I the only one thinking this epic puts a whole new spin on the term "firebug"? A Southern-Fried Desperado Epic Source: Clarion-Ledger (Mississippi) [06/23] A home owner inspired a Mississippi desperado to take his...business elsewhere when he greeted the uninvited 'guest' with a fully loaded .38 caliber persuader. Around 1am, after detecting noises at his front door, Edward Blair grabbed his gun and awaited the desperado's next move. Events got rolling when the housebreaker kicked in the front door:
Since the car our nadless desperado left behind wasn't stolen, I'm guessing this intellectual flatliner will be a gray bar hotel guest in short order. Book 'em, Dano.
Since Bird is President of the Indiana Pacers NBA team, his prose could have enough legs to mushroom into a full blown race card epic. Stay tuned to PIG News for all the exciting details.
A dude writes a bill that would exempt legislative meetings from the state's open meetings law and he's appointed to the advisory board tasked with Freedom Of Information oversight? If you can't see what's wrong with this picture there's no hope for you. Virginia's hack antics continue to send it plummeting into nanny state oblivion. We are, in this case, amused in the extreme.
We're not sure, exactly, where this fool wanted to go, but we know where he's headed: to a justice system encounter for the following extra-legal actions:
Next time you hear about somebody going on a 'Bend-er' you'll know 'the rest of the story. AfterthoughtI know what's got you pacing the floor and I wondered the same thing. What, exactly, is a cop car doing outside an adult beverage emporium at 2am?
JULY 2004
Is That Dynamite In Your Pants? Source: Macon Telegraph [07/31] A Peach State pea-brain tried to blow his nads off while he chatted with a visiting social worker on his front lawn. The fun stems from Daniel Gabriel Doyle's sideline, manufacturing meth in his, uh, spare time. His hobby nailed him while he sat in the social worker's car, filling out some forms.
If this is how Mother Nature decided to give our hero one final warning, I don't even want to know how she plans to take him out. Mark this is 'any day now' in your human gene pool improvement archives. A Golden D'oh EpicSource: NBC (Ohio Boob Tube) [07/26] Jeffrey freeman decided to dish up some payback on his estranged wife, Susan, by torching the 'family' car his wife bagged for her own, exclusive use. When he arrived at her domicile in the wee hours, Jeffrey torched her ride, setting himself ablaze in the process. He managed to douse the flames making him roasty-toasty, before he fled the scene of his crime, but his fun-filled day was just getting started. The men in blue had him bull's-eyed in a heartbeat, but when they arrived on his doorstep, Jeffry Emerilized his brain-fart big damn time. Prepared to deal with a burn victim, the cops were confronted with a gun-toting asshat who refused to cooperate. As soon as our hero aimed his piece at them, the cops responded with a fusillade that solved the Freemans' domestic dispute, permanently. At 48, Jeffrey had ample time to perpetrate his toxic DNA, but I'm willing to confer human gene pool improvement status anyway. The fact is, that a room temperature Jeffrey can't taint the human gene pool any further. Stampeding
Stupidity In The News Item
1: Item
2:
The dude is alive - barely - in 'a drug induced coma', and breathing via a ventilator. Mark this one as imminent, in your human gene pool improvement archives. Payback's A BitchSource: Star Tribune (Minneapolis) [07/21] An Appleton, Wisconsin asshat got some long overdue payback when he rolled his wheelchair too close to the tracks during his regular stint of giving passing trains a one-finger salute. Although his original, wheelchair-confining injury was caused by a collision with a train in 1989, Leland Laird insists that his ongoing salute to the railroad industry stems from the noise they make with their 'loud horns'. Those who obsess on such trivia will be thrilled to hear that this close encounter with Casey Jones favorite ride thrashed his chair, but only gave him a boo-boo on his arm. Will he change his ways? No way in hell, angry asshat Sparky. Getting Bombed in ItalySource: Reuters [07/19] A venerable Italian - 70 years old, as if you care - dude got nailed by his hobby when the centerpiece of his military ordinance - a World War One vintage bomb - exploded while our hero showed it to a fellow enthusiast. Still deadly after nearly a century of inaction, the bomb did what bombs are designed to do, rendering its proud owner room temperature and severely thrashing his fellow enthusiast. Given the age of our room temperature ordinance enthusiast, we can't claim human gene pool improvement, but I'm willing to consider awarding a posthumous Golden D'oh. Recidivism On SteroidsSource: ABC [07/18] When a Beaver Falls (Pennsylvania) woman got busted for robbing a doughnut shop, the judge ordered the men in blue to release her and "mail the charges", whatever the hell that means. This judicial leniency jumped up and bit the judge on his robe-covered butt when, a mere 9 minutes after her release, the woman tried to knock over a nearby hotdog shop. This puts some muscle behind the familiar adage about the 'revolving jailhouse door'. It's a safe bet that the judge won't be playing nice with this determined desperado wench, this time around. Mark this lesson "learned". The Unkindest Cut?Source: Winnipeg Sun [07/18] A Canadian desperado achieved room temperature when he cut the wrong wire during an attempted robbery. Convinced that the wire he'd isolated connected the burglar alarm, he fried himself alive when he tried to cut a high voltage power line. Before you can say "zap" his brief crime career came to a sizzling halt. The proper authorities found the 20-year-old human gene pool improvement volunteer hanging on the wires next to a power transformer. Mark this a human gene pool improvement triple: one less desperado, one less stain on human DNA, one less Canadian. Three for three works for this pagan... Getting
Into His Work? Immersing himself in his chosen career as executive director for the Licking County Alcoholism Prevention Program, James Billow got a tad to close to his work when he got nailed for his second drunk driving offense. If that isn't enough to derail his career, there are all the non-job related items James charged against his LAPP expense account. A sticky-fingered bureaucrat? I'm shocked, shocked I tell you.
James
insists that these runaway expenses
have nothing to do with his
predilection for adult beverage.
His personal credit card is
- he insists - a dead ringer
for his LAPP card. Yeah, right
dude. It's hard to tell them
apart when you're potted. James
won't need to worry about his
LAPP expenses, now, because,
after 28 years swilling at the
public trough, he's "pursuing
his own interests". That's
right, he avoided getting the
axe by resigning. Pyrotechnics
For Peabrains
Tragically,
this explosion
left our intellectually
flat-lining
hero's reproductive
capacity undamaged.
In a rare
'glass half
full' moment,
this pagan
scribbler
offers the
following,
heartfelt
advice to
Mr. Greff:
"If at first
you don't
succeed...try,
try, again."
A
woman who
can't end
it all by
jumping off
a tall building
is no shit
the poster
wench for
"born loser".
I wonder if
she'd like
to meet a
one-armed
dolt from
Bismarck?
Enquiring
minds want
to know.
When
our intellectually-challenged
desperado
gets out of
the slammer,
he should
consider a
career change.
I'm confident
that even
this deadhead
can cope with,
"Do you want
fries with
that?"
Glass
half full
wimps will
be thrilled
to learn that
blowing his
balls off
puts Davey
boy in an
exclusive
human gene
pool improvement
category.
But, nobody
should hold
his, her or
its breath
expecting
other dudes
to neuter
themselves
with a shotgun
to join Davey
in self-induced,
reproductive
oblivion.
At
57, the room
temperature
dimwit had
ample time
to perpetrate
his stupidity-laced
DNA, but "better
late than
never" still
works for
this pagan,
in this instance.
Do
I really need
to warn: Don't
try this at
home?
No
doubt, the
desperado's
gray bar hotel
homeboys will
be very impressed
when he tells
them a gas
station attendant
kicked his
ass.
Human gene pool improvement fans will be disappointed to learn that these two bright bulbs escaped alive, but extra crispy with first, second and third degree burns. Mark this episode as 'sooner or later' on your human gene pool improvement scorecard. Episode
2
Police gave the three asshats guest accommodations in the local gray bar hotel, preventing them from perpetrating any further mayhem. Book 'em, Dano. Episode
3
We're still in the human gene pool improvement game, since our hero is in critical condition. Mark him down as "probable" on our human gene pool improvement scorecard. Episode
4 Bread?
Are these
bikers or
pretenders?
What happened
to naked women,
marathon orgies,
non-stop drinking
and assorted
mayhem?
How the mighty
have fallen.
"D'oh", while appropriate, is a gross understatement in this case. AUGUST 2004
The World's Unluckiest Desperado
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [08/30] A Beantown desperado named Paul Michael Callahan had one of those days, recently, when he attempted to ply his trade. Here are the, uh, highlights:
And how was your day? Portrait Of A LoserSource: Mainichi Daily [08/29] A desponded Sushi Slammer loser tried to end it all by jumping in front of a train...and failed. This fool landed face down, between the rails, allowing the train to roll over him without inflicting a single scratch, contusion, or boo-boo. The railway officials dragged the fool out and turned him over to the proper authorities, abruptly ended our hapless hero's quest for oblivion. If you look up 'born loser' in your Webster's, you'll find this clown's picture. Big Brass Desperado NadsSource: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [08/25] A Utah desperado grabbed the brazen bad guy brass ring when he knocked over a bank while test driving a used car. While the used car salesdolt lurked outside, by the car, our hero robbed South Ogden's Wells Fargo Bank, then stole the car from the sales punk and drove off with his loot. The salesdolt tuned into reality, briefly, alerted the cops, then started road testing excuses for his boss: "The good news is that the guy likes the car. The bad news is that he robbed a bank during the test drive then used the car for his getaway. Of course...when the cops catch him, he'll have ample money to pay for the car." "D'oh" is grossly inadequate here, but it's the best I can do. Afterthought Source: Omaha World-Herald [08/19] Using a rental car as your getaway ride after a bank heist isn't a fatally flawed notion, unless you leave the rental car receipt in the bank when you flee the crime scene. Among other things, the tattletale receipt listed the car return time: 5:57pm. If you don't know the cops where waiting when the desperados returned the car, you're probably in a coma. The bank robber and his designated getaway driver - his sister - are now honored guests in the Golden D'oh wing of the Council Bluffs gray bar hotel. Book 'em, Dano. GotchaSource: Newsday [08/19] North Carolina denizen, Cornelius Leary, was on the lam for - allegedly - imposing a high caliber room temperature transition on wife, Anita, until he got nabbed in the Big Apple for "fair-beating". That's right, loyal readers, this fleeing murder suspect got nailed for not paying a subway fare. Look up "cheap dumb bastard" in your 'Webster's' and you'll find this clown's mug shot. Cornelius will have ample time to reflect on his cheap bastard ways, during his long gray bar stretch. He seems to be the only desperado who doesn't know rule #1 in the "So You're On The Run" handbook: "When you're on the run, always obey all the laws, especially the minor ones." Gotcha, shit for brains. Fate's A BitchSource: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [08/18] Ohio desperado, Daniel Waggoner's bank caper came off smoothly, until fickle fate and his eagle-eyed ex-wife tripped him up. When his former bride spotted his one-of-a-kind truck motoring through Middletown (Ohio), she wondered what the hell he was doing in town. That answer - and assorted other revelations - came when she got to the grocery store. Learning that the store was closed because the bank inside the store just got robbed, our heroine put it all together in a heartbeat. She knew her ex-con - convicted bank robber - former hubby was up to his old tricks. Immediately, she alerted the proper authorities about her suspicions, after which they showed her a security camera photo, and that easily, Dan's fate was sealed. Kudos to this alert Buckeye wench for sending her ex-hubby back to the gray bar hotel where he, obviously, belongs. Buckeye Bright Bulb's BB Gun Brain-FartSource: The Newark Advocate (Ohio) [08/10] From our 'it seemed like a good idea' desk, we present a story about a Buckeye bright bulb who amused himself by shooting at live cartridges with his BB gun. Faster than you can say 'ka-blam', the live round goes off nailing our walking brain-fart in the gut with the shell casing. He's out of the hospital, now, but based on his antics, I'm guessing it won't be long before another dumb idea adds him to our gene pool improvement volunteers list. Mark 21-year-old Jack Davis as 'any day now' on your human gene pool improvement scorecard. A Human Gene Pool Improvement BonusSource: AP [8/10] A land-of-hanging-chads desperado tried everything to elude the cops chasing him, to no avail, until he hit upon a nifty notion. Shedding his shirt and shoes, then attempted to hide from the men in blue 12 feet beneath Explorer Lake's placid surface. His ruse worked like gang busters because it took police divers more than 4 hours to find his mortal remains. Add this dude to your human gene pool improvement scorecard under 'done deal' and tack on a bonus point for eliminating another Florida voter from this nation's electorate. Hair Of The DogSource: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [08/03] When a Pennsylvania denizen, Michael Hanczyk, arrived in court to contest a drunk driving charge, everyone smelled a, uh, rat...among other things. That's right, this fool arrived in court stink-faced. If he intended to impress the judge, he passed 'Go' like gang busters. Pending the results of his blood test, our hero faces 30 days in the gray bar for contempt. And how was your day? SEPTEMBER 2004
Playing With Fire Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [09/30] 'Burning Down The House' is more than a catchy song lyric, it's stock-in-trade for certain intellectually-challenged rustics. This week, two rustic retards made a bid for human gene pool improvement glory. Item 1: Armed with this demonstration of LeRoy's 'intellect', I'm thinking we all understand why his bride did some comparative, man shopping. Item 2: Posthumous kudos are conferred on Juan for 'doing the right thing' by, unintentionally, offing himself so spectacularly. A Southern-Fried Desperado Epic When a knife packing desperado entered a Jacksonville Burger King around 10pm, Sunday night, his craving centered on dead presidents, rather than a Whopper. Brandishing a boning knife, he demanded that the assistant manager hand over all the money. Instantly assessing the desperado's resolve, the assistant manager decided to offer the would-be robber something else. Grabbing a broom, he encouraged the desperado to clean up his act. When last seen, the robber - a 5-foot 10 inch Hispanic in his early 20's - was running for his life. He might have a slight limp, since a Burger King customer nailed him with his ride in the parking lot. If you know this dude, tell him to grow a pair, or find a new line of work, because he, obviously, lacks the nads for armed robbery. Afterthought Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [09/23] Minding his own business, a bull elk didn't take it kindly when a venerable Mexas dude approached him then blazed away at him with his camera. Since this alleged human used a flash, his photographic antics were especially annoying, prompting the elk to lower his head and charge this dim, photo bonkers, bulb. The alleged human turned in time to get gored, battered and bruised by the annoyed Yellowstone Park denizen, leading us to a timely tourism tip: When you see a wild animal as large as a bull elk, take all the photos you want, from a safe distance, with a telephoto lens. If you ignore this advice, you'll end up like this Mexas moron, battered, bruised, punctured, and aching all over. Adventures in Criminal Stupidity Going...Down? What these three desperados - two alleged men and a woman - didn't know, but learned quickly, is that the porch is so rotted out it couldn't support their weight. The resulting application of the venerable law of gravity put the dudes in the hospital and the wench in the slammer. Gravity still works, even in Chicago...Film at eleven! Scratching Out A Living D'oh, is grossly inadequate, but does capture the spirit of the moment. Book 'em, Dano. It Looked Good On Paper A venerable - 63 years old - Indianapolis desperado strolled into a Kroger supermarket, then handed a clerk a note that demanded all their money or he'd set off the bomb he planted in their meat department. He repeated his demand several times and the answer he got never changed: "No" (Indiana-speak for "bite me"). While the would-be robber dithered, the store employees emptied the store, after alerting the local authorities. The cops arrived in time to offer this clown civic accommodations in the local graybar hotel, saving this fool from getting his sorry ass ventilated by a gun-packing security guard. If he plans to continue his criminal avocation, he needs to take some remedial courses in 'acting menacing', because, by all reports, scary, he ain't. Nifty News NuggetsSource: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [09/17] Item: A Rose By Any Other Name Item: What's Wrong With This Picture Item: A Golden D'oh Slam Dunk With annual Kryptonite lock sales in the $27 million dollar range - probably a conservative estimate - Ingersol-Rand executives probably said something a lot saltier than 'D'oh' when this thrilling factoid landed on their desk. Sooner PoliticsSource: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [09/15] Oklahoma is on the cutting, political, edge this year, thanks to an independent U.S. Senate Candidate who is, by any meaningful measure, clinically bonkers. Consider these entries from Sheila Bilyeu's...resume:
Call me names if you must, but a clinically bonkers U.S. Senator of Ms. Bilyeu's caliber would provide badly needed comic relief, during the U. S. Senates's snooze-inducing proceedings. If you live in Oklahoma, pull the lever for Sheila. It's your patriotic duty. A Classic Well Duh Moment The job-for-life rabble infesting Uncle Sam's State Department finally discovered what every rational adult on the planet already knew: 'in Saudi Arabia, freedom of religion does not exist, and is not recognized or protected under the country's laws' (Seattle Post-Intelligencer). This bureaucratic epiphany has hall of fame "Well, Duh!" potential. What's next, a State Department press release announcing that the Earth is round, and water is wet? What, you ask, is Uncle Sam going to do about Saudi Arabia's egregious affront to individual liberty? They're adding Saudi Arabia to the State Department's "countries of particular concern" (CPC) list, where the Sandbox joins such liberty bastions as Sudan, North Korea and Iran on the CPC rolls, putting them in very select company. If you hear Sandbox royalty laughing at Uncle Sam's antics, it's because no nation has been sanctioned by Uncle Sam due to its inclusion on the CPC list. If you're wondering why the bureaucrats bother to keep this list, join the club. Am I the only one who wonders why our so-called government wastes so much time on this happy horseshit? I doubt it. For it's asnine antics, Uncle Sam's State Department goes to the top of this week's Well Duh list. An Overpowering Hormonal Urge After ingesting some unknown adult beverage, two hyper hormonal twenty-something Kiwi denizens surrendered to their rampaging hormones, so they got horizontal and squishy in a conveniently located garden. There's just one teensy problem with their trysting locale: it's right in front of the Whangarei, New Zealand police station. The couple continued to seek that hormonal brass ring, until the duty officer invoked trystus interruptus, after a police station visitor alerted him. Fear not, true love fans, this kindly cop didn't arrest them. Instead, he gave them the Kiwi version of the venerable 'get a damn room' lecture and sent them on their way. Bail Jumping PaybackSource: Omaha World-Herald [09/10] Spouting "I was framed" drivel, an Omaha dude talked a gullible female into posting the $5000 necessary to spring him from an Iowa gray bar hotel. When he decided to skip the court appearance for his burglary charge, the proper authorities put out an arrest warrant on the dude and impounded the woman's hard-earned money. She was, as you can well imagine, a tad irked. Simmering nicely, her ire reached critical mass when this fool showed up on her doorstep with another sad story. Aided by a male acquaintance, the woman beat the snot out of this bail jumper, wrapped him up in duct tape, then drove the battered bail-jumper from her Omaha abode to the Logan, Iowa gray bar. The Iowa cops found him, after someone called to report a 'fugitive' just got dropped off and offered him gray bar accommodations. The Logan cops appreciated the woman's assistance, sort of, but arrested her and her male co-hort for roughing up the bail jumper. File this under 'payback is a bitch', in your pagan scribbler archives. True Crime I While driving to Indianapolis, in the wee hours, Indiana denizen Mark Smith pulled off U.S. 31 and onto the berm for a short respite. During Mark's rest stop, two roving desperados noticed him and decided to liberate Mark's worldly goods, forcibly. One cretin, Rei Mendoza, opened the driver side door, while his partner in crime, Armondo Esteves-Torres, opened the passenger side door. Our boy Armondo brandished a knife and demanded Mark's money. So far, it all went as planned, but that changed in a heartbeat:
We're not told what, if anything, Estevez-Torres said, while he got dragged along the highway for nearly, 15 feet, but I'm guessing that he got very vocal, when Smith ran over his sorry ass. Whatever he said, it was a lot more colorful than ay carumba! Kudos to Mark Smith for keeping his head in a very bad situation. True Crime II I'm not sure how they say "It seemed like a good idea at the time" in Master Race lingo, but I guarantee the hero of this epic is up to speed this ageless concept, now. The good idea involved selling some pot to the attendees at a birthday party. As stellar as this notion might seem, it's never a nifty notion when the party goers are off-duty cops. How do you say "Book 'em, Dano" in Kraut? I haven't got a clue, but "D'oh" doesn't need any translation. Fun News Wire Quick Hits At home and abroad, human ingenuity continues to amaze and amuse this pagan scribbler: Item 1: For those readers frantically contemplating a quick trip to Brown County, don't bother. The usual spoilsports already destroyed the pot crop. As usual, I feel your pain. Item 2: Item 3: Another Human Gene Pool Improvement Epic An old enough to know better Big Apple denizen decided to shorten his walk to work by scaling a fence topped with razor wire. The 50 year old snagged his arm, severed an artery, then achieved room temperature before he walked another 200 feet. They call these goodies 'razor wire' for a reason, so, unless you're wearing a suit of armor, don't even think about it. Mark this epic in the 'old enough to know better' section of your human gene pool improvement scorecard. Self-Inflicted Wounds I For reasons I don't begin to understand, the Monroe County (Indiana) Coroner, David Toumey, demonstrated gun safety to some-damn-body on a Lake Monroe boat ramp. While explaining that's it's essential to verify that the gun is unloaded, this bright bulb - accidentally - shot himself in the leg. The wound to his leg will heal...There's no prognosis on the wound to his psyche. As usual, this epic raises a question...or two.
That's right, loyal readers...It's Enquiring Minds time, again, in the pagan scribbler bunker. Self-Inflicted Wounds II A Kansas City cop found out, the hard way, that wearing a Taser gun during a driving rainstorm isn't a nifty notion. He made this momentous discovery after a prolonged traffic-directing spell in a downpour. When he finally returned to his ride, things got thrilling, for a moment or two. A crackling noise and a 'something's burning' aroma were his first hint that trouble brewed on his horizon.
So-called experts quickly deduced that the X26 Taser isn't designed for underwater use. The much wiser, now, officer deduced that it's probably a good idea to wear a raincoat when it's raining, to help keep the Taser dry. Both notions are fine, as far as they go, but neither explains why Kansas City's men in blue, routinely, wear a Taser. Color this pagan scribbler puzzled. OCTOBER 2004
Occupational Hazard? Source: The Republican (Springfield, Mass.) [10/23] Three armed and dangerous Bay State desperados Emerilized a home invasion robbery into a human gene pool improvement contender when one of the desperados "accidentally" shot his home invasion cohort in the head. The gunshot was still echoing through the crime scene when the two unwounded desperados validated the "no honor among thieves" axiom by hot-footing their butts out of there, leaving their wounded home boy behind to face the music...or his maker, whichever got to him first. With the wounded desperado in critical condition, human gene pool improvement seems imminent. Mark this as "probable" on your human gene pool improvement scorecard. A Woman Scorned?Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [10/19] Whatever the Okaloosa County (Florida) Sheriff's deputies expected to find when they answered a domestic disturbance call, it's a safe bet that what they found wasn't anywhere on the list. At first, everything seemed business as usual when the obviously intoxicated, totally pissed, female, half of the dispute answered the door. She admitted a high volume - neighbor thrilling - argument with her husband and informed the deputies that she wanted him out. When her man returned from the shed where he hid from his enraged spouse, the deputies persuaded him to pack some stuff and vacate the premises, until peace, and sobriety were restored in his home. So far so good, but while Jared Booker packed a bag, his spouse, Neva, Emerilized the situation, big damn time. Collaring Deputy Tom Johnson, Neva told him she wanted to show him something out in the chicken coop. Unwilling to get her riled again, Deputy Johnson complied, leading him to this story's Paul Harvey Moment:
While he's an honored guest in the local graybar hotel, Jared Booker will have ample time to consider what he did that pissed off his wife, Neva, so majorly. If Jared has half a brain - and that seems egregiously optimistic- he'll stay in the lockup, where it's safe, until Neva sobers up and chills out. Be afraid, dude, be very afraid. Golden D'Ohs And Other Oddities Dirt Kisser's New Ride What Goes Up NASA management might take some solace from the thrilling news that their antics made them a slam dunk for a high slot on this year's Golden D'oh Top Ten. Pesky Varmints If you've got a nifty, non-lethal, notion about evicting the pests, contact Sante Fe city hall, stat. This is not a drill. A Golden D'oh Contender Bad: Worse: D'Oh: And how was the rest of your day, brain-dead and busted Sparky? A Real 'Live' Wire A Hawaiian desperado tried for the coveted - but rarely achieved - golden d'oh-gene pool improvement double, when he attempted to steal some copper cable from Maui Electric Co. It all went swimmingly, up to a point, after which our hero's plan went "snap, crackle, pop and zap". Our hero bagged that once-in-a-lifetime thrill, the moment he tried to cut through an alive and kicking, 12,000 volt power distribution line.
Based on this epic, we're obligated to give credence to that timeless axiom about Old Ka-Boom's inexplicable affection for fools and drunks. That should be very comforting to certain PIG readers...and we both know who you are. Try, Try AgainSource: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [10/08] Spotting a car weaving down the road, Swedish cops pulled the driver over, inhaled deeply, and, instantly, concluded that the 53-year old dude behind the wheel was potted. After giving our hero a ride to the police station, the cops administered a sobriety test - he flunked, big time - fined him, then put him in a cab to go home and sleep it off. The story might end there, but our hero had a better idea. Instead of going home as ordered, our crocked Swedish motorist, returned to the scene of his DUI crime, used his spare key to get in his car, then resumed his drive home. Swedish cops spotted him - yes, again - and gave chase. Determined to avoid another ride to the police station, the drunk tried to get away - I'm guessing he used up his spare car key supply - and managed to flip his ride into a conveniently located ditch. This time, his free ride was an ambulance, but he's destined for another police station visit, as soon as he's well enough. That works for me. NOVEMBER 2004
Rustic Humor Backfires Source: Omaha World-Herald [11/30] A Cornhusker wingnut decided to give mom a thrill when he visited the gas station where she worked and joked about having a gun. Mom laughed it off, but a customer who overheard the mother-son repartee got so alarmed he called the local cops. When cops arrived on the scene a few minutes later, they found mister one-liner and a pal seated in a car outside the gas station. In a heartbeat, the joke was on mommy's baby boy:
Already a laugh a minute, this epic gets better, because mommy's baby boy is out on parole and a drug possession charge could send his sorry ass back to the big house. I can live with that. Tough Love In Jersey When a 16 year old New Jersey wenchlet arrived home "drunk and unruly", papa Kevin decided to teach her a lesson by ratting her out to the cops. His plan - such as it was - went out the window when baby girl decided that two could play that game:
This touching father-daughter bonding landed papa in the slammer - on drug charges - and got our boozing heroine and her sisters new digs "with a relative". You'll need to excuse me, because I always puddle up over these happy endings. [Sniffle...Sniffle] That Sinking Feeling A Mexas woman who can't take a hint took a long hard look at the temporary barrier blocking the road and knew exactly what to do. Instead of avoiding the unknown trouble that lay ahead, she circumvented the barrier and drove her ride into the sink hole that awaited her a few feet ahead. Stupidity comes packaged with its own reward, even in a reality-challenged state-of-mind like Mexas. Although our human crash dummy's plight is self-inflicted and she emerged unharmed, I'm betting that this myopic Mexas mutant will be lawyered up in a heartbeat so she can sue the city. We are, as ususal, profoundly unamused. Norwegian Nitwit A Norwegian desperado made life easy for the local men in blue when he managed to get trapped in a pawn shop's doorway. It all went wrong the minute he smashed a window, setting off an alarm and prompting a security gate to come crashing down behind him. With nowhere to go and no way to escape, he remained on display until the police arrived to extricate him. Whatever our hero said when that security gate imprisoned him, it had to be a lot more colorful that Homer's all purpose "D'oh". Dumb, Dumber and Dumbest Down Under Diners in an Aussie seafood eatery, didn't miss a mouthful while they watched an intellectually-challenged, desperado trio try to push open the restaurant's sliding glass door. When the 'industrial strength' glass resisted their pathetic attempts to push through it, the dim-witted trio ran off, empty handed. Proving that, like their Amerika counterparts, cops down under are masters of understatement, police investigator Jamie Williams opined: "They're probably more dangerous because they're dumb" (Reuters). No argument, but I'm guessing that they pose a greater danger to themselves than their intended victims. Dumber than a box of rocks? You better believe it, Waltzing Matilda Sparky. A Brit Desperado Adventure A Brit desperado trio got a warm reception when they invaded a Brit capitalist outpost, 'Cellhealth'. Whatever their caper entailed, it didn't anticipate the fun fact that the resident capitalist, a 58-year old dude name Lewis Montague, would be rigged out in his samurai gear, including 'wooden, but lifelike, samurai sword'. The caper unraveled in a heartbeat, the instant the dastardly trio broke down Cellheath's door. Our Brit samurai describes the ensuing events this way: This gives a whole new meaning to the venerable term: "scared straight". Kudos to our Brit samurai for teaching these Brit desperados the errors of their ways. Lewis Montague, you are the man! Human Gene Pool Improvement Daily Double I'm thrilled to report that two Mexifornia retards achieved room temperature this week, in unrelated incidents. The Fatal Hotfoot Caper
Label this epic "Excruciating Exit Strategy" on your human gene pool improvement scorecard. The Roach Coach Robbery Caper Verifying the "no honor among thieves" axiom, the second desperado didn't try to help when a fatally-wounded Abran hit the deck with a resounding 'thud'. I'm pleased to report that, less that an hour later, Abran achieved room temperature in a local King City hospital. At 20, it's very likely that Abran didn't have time to taint the human gene pool with his stupidy-laced DNA. Abran's accomplice continues to elude capture. No doubt he's living large on the roach coach boodle: a paltry $40 in dead presidents. Does dying for $40 make Abran dumber than a box of rocks? You better believe it, self inflicted wound Sparky. Loser Of The Week A pathetic, alleged dude went off the deep end after his bride, Lupe, traded "up" for a firefigher named Lee Bauman, so the spurned hubby dredged up a legal anachronism to exact retribution from Lupe's new man. "Alienation of affection" is a relic from centuries past...those - allegedly - glorious, men are men but you're not, women as property days. Any rational adult could tell Steven Cyl that he doesn't need to seek shyster help, because the real reason Lupe sought greener pastures is as close as the nearest mirror. Dude, if you were delivering the goods - in all departments - she wouldn't go out looking for a new dude. Get over it dude. She's gone and she won't be coming back. Afterthought Flatliner Follies Money To Burn Explosive High Question: Is stupidity a crime in Ohio? Enquiring minds are curious on this one. The F.D.'s Shiney New Toy Flatliner News Life In The Fast Lane The Fox boob tube dolts who reported this story served up a cosmic "Well, Duh" when they opined that 'Alcohol is thought to be a factor in the accident' (AP). No shit, Sherlock. Turned Away In Albany Albany's P.D. insists that it's "investigating", the incident. Hopefully, they'll handle that better than they did the bank robber's voluntary surrender. Am I the only one smelling a "whitewash" in the making? I doubt it. Peach State Peabrain The bank heist went swimmingly for Georgia desperado Michael Donald Marshall, except for one pesky detail. He entered. He brandished his gun. He demanded money from bank employees. So far so good, but that's as far as his plan got. Pointing to the construction crew working throughout the bank, a teller laid grim reality on our hero: the bank isn't open for business, shit for brains; we won't have money here until construction is finished. Empty handed - it, conveniently, matches the condition of his brain: empty - our hero got nabbed by the men in blue on his way out the door. Book 'em, Dano. Afterthought How in the hell did a dude this stupid survive for 39 years? Enquiring minds want to know why Mother Nature hasn't punched his room temperature transition ticket. A Golden D'Oh Contender A Brit desperado did his best to make it easy to catch him. During a burglary, he managed to drop his keys - the keys that had his mug shot on the fob - at the crime scene. I'm guessing that this is proof positive that even Brit criminals are more polite...more accommodating...than their violence-prone Yank counterparts. Despite his cooperation, our hero will spend the next three years in a Brit graybar. No good deed goes unpunished? You better believe it, brain-dead Brit desperado Sparky. Flatliners...Near and Far Item: Letting It All Hang Out Other than some superficial wear and tear, this window perching music critic is okey dokey, but the CD's fate is unknown. If, like this pagan, you wonder which CD prompted this adventure in applied science, join the club. For now, it remains another of life's little mysteries. Was this walking hormone testing the limits of New Hampshire's motto: Live free or die? I don't know, but stranger things have happened. Item: Proselytizing To Panthera leo This is what happens to true believers surrender their synapses at the Toll Booth door. You heard it here, first. DECEMBER 2004
Things That Go Bump Source: The Telegraph (River Bend, Wisconsin) [12/29] An unidentified Wisconsin wench inspired two cheeseheads to perpetrate a two-car demolition derby in the parking lot next to Godfrey's (Wisconsin) C & W Auto Glass. Although both cheeseheads are cited by the cops, Charles Bonney (age 63) is the one who started things when he spotted Victor Harris's (age 38) ride leaving his (Bonney's) driveway. That's when Chucky Emerilized this epic, to the max, by following his arch rival to the aforementioned parking lot. From that point, events careened out of control:
Those are the bare facts, but one vital factoid is curiously missing from this news item. Due to criminally shoddy journalism, this cheesehead fishwrap didn't name, describe, or display photos of the enchantress who inspires such destructive devotion. If you have any relevant facts about this cheesehead hottie, share the joy. This is not a drill. A Golden D'oh Contender When a congenital moron named Floyd Elliot reported an assault by two Independence (Missouri) hate criminals, the relevant men in blue were understandably suspicious. Floyd's claim that these dastardly hate punks carved the word "FAG" into his head and chest didn't pass the cop's smell test, because certain details raised some, pesky questions. For starters, the word "FAG" on his forehead was spelled backwards - it read "GAF" - as if done in a mirror. Is "GAF" hate speech in the Show Me State? Enquiring minds want to know. A Weather-Challenged Desperado A Mexas desperado got a crash course in real winter crime experience when he decided to knock over a local funeral home, right after Brownsville got its first snow storm in 109 years. Alert "all weather" police professionals used the prevailing conditions to track this desperado to his lair:
When you log this epic on your dim-witted desperado scorecard, put Mother Nature down for a well-deserved assist. Try, Try Again A Minnesota wench who got caught deploying fake charity donations boxes in local stores celebrated her release from jail by doing 'it' all over again. Within hours of her release, our heroine was up to her old tricks.
There are times - this being such an occasion - when the venerable adage that urges "try, try again" isn't the niftiest notion in the known universe. Book her, Dano. A Hapless Hoosier Desperado An Indiana desperado's caper started out bad and went downhill from there, when he decided to knock over a certain convenience store. We know this because the men in blue were watching his antics, since he perpetrated this farce across the street from Lake Station's (Indiana) police H.Q. The caper started well enough, when our hero entered the store, strong-armed $50 from a lottery machine then ripped off 3 cartons of smokes for good measure. Reality took a chomp from his desperado butt when he discovered that he locked the keys to his ride inside the getaway car. From there, events careened out of control:
Luckily, our dim-witted desperado has ample time to consider his career options, while he's a guest in the Lake Station gray bar hotel. I'd suggest the usual fast food window career path but this terminally dim bulb probably couldn't handle a challenging concept like "Do you want fries with that?" A Suspicious Accident A Kentucky motorist claims it was mere chance that his SUV jumped a curb in front of his domicile, plowed through his front yard, hit his girlfriend's ex-husband and pinned the dude against a parked car. Citing an icy street, Steve Jordan dished up a hard to believe "Oops, my mistake", but the proper authorities are understandably skeptical. While Steve tries to elude a first degree assault conviction, some-damn-body might take the time to answer the burning question: what in blue Kentucky blazes was his girl friend's ex doing at Steve's house while our hero was out? That's right, loyal readers, it's Enquiring Minds time again, in the pagan scribbler bunker. Stupid Sushi Slammer Criminal Tricks This rising sun fishwrap served up the dumbest Sushi Slammer desperados from their 2004 archives. The following items were deemed newsworthy by the infamous PIG news staff:
At news time, PIG is searching high and low for homegrown, intellectually-challenged desperados to match this pace-setting Sushi Slammer dolts, but it's a daunting task that will take some time. Stay tuned... A Tennessee Desperado Adventure A Tennessee desperado might want to consider a crash test dummy career path, based on his last night on the town:
And how was your day? Golden D'oh Nominees Domestic Nominee #1 Although the chief wasn't sworn in, yet, he jotted down the two dipsticks' license numbers, and transmitted it the men in blue. That fast the drug dealer is slammer bait and he's up to speed on a venerable truism: some days, it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. Domestic Nominee #2
The thief ran off when the cops arrived, leaving the Toll Booth's keyboard, soundboard, and his driver's license behind. It sounds like Old Ka-Boom had Nathan Robinson's back, on this one. Go figure. International Nominee
Our hero survived, but it's a slam dunk that he won't try that crap again, until his wounds heal. File this under 'any minute now' on your human gene pool improvement scorecard. Stupid Criminal Tricks The bank heist went as planned, including the escape, but it all unraveled thanks to the tattletale information contained on the holdup note that the desperado, accidently, left at the crime scene. Apparently, a Bangor Township (Michigan) denizen, Michael Pascuzzo, slept through Desperado 101, or he'd know better than use any paper containing his real name as a holdup note.
Faster than a warp speed 'D'oh', our hero is slammer bait, but his shyster is trying to cut a deal. I'm betting the centerpiece of any plea bargain will be the fun fact that this cretin is too dumb to be a meaningful menace to society. Book 'em, Dano, stupidity in the first degree. Florida Flat-Liner Adventure A South Florida motorist swears he didn't notice the man sprawled on the hood of his ride after he 'plowed into a mortorcylist', Tuesday night. Despite the fun fact that the man on his hood kept screaming for him to stop, our Florida pinhead kept on going, successfully fleeing the scene of his crime, temporarily, after his unexpected passenger jumped off onto the ground. His freedom was short-lived, because his victim managed to jot down the driver's license plate number before the pinhead disappeared into the night. The local authorities tracked down this myopic dolt, Scott Eisenberg, and threw the damn book at him: leaving the scene of an accident involving damage, failure to report an accident, failure to leave information, careless driving, driving without insurance. Eisenberg is also on the hook for his victim's ride, an $85,000 motorcycle. At press time, this myopic pinhead still swears that he never saw the man lying on his hood and screaming at him. Unsafe at any speed? You better believe it, blind as a bat, Florida voter Sparky. Ending It All Determined to end it all, a despondent Buckeye dude named Mark Morris flooded his house with natural gas and awaited sweet oblivion. For reasons this Buckeye fishwrap didn't explain, a stray synapse fired and he considered the damage such an explosion might inflict on his neighbors. Suitably alarmed, he headed for the basement to turn off the circuit breaker. That's when certain immutable scientific laws caught up with him. The ensuing explosion 'leveled' his domicle, left him extra crispy, but didn't inflict that eagerly anticipated room temperature transition.
While our hero is in the hospital getting his burns treated, a trained medical professional should take a gander at this dipstick's alleged brain, because, according to the paper, this isn't the first time this loser tried - and failed - to off himself.
Obviously this bright bulb is more dangerous to his neighbors than he is too himself, since he'll keep trying to off himself until somebody dies. If a room temperature transition is what Mark really wants, I'm sure that can be arranged. If you live in, or near, Chillicothe, and are riddle with altruism, drop by what's left of Mark's abode and put him out of his misery. My lovely bride's all purpose solution "just shoot the bastard" works just fine, in this instance. Afterthoughts Another Ford Submersible From our guy's gotta do what a guy's gotta do desk, we find this epic about a hungry Alaskan dude named Earl Voorhis who wanted nosh so majorly, that his impatience prompted him to drive across the frozen Chen River in his zeal to get some sustenance. If you don't see where this story is headed, you're in a coma.
The good news was that his ride wasn't going anywhere while it stayed trapped in the ice. The bad news was that he left his lights on when he left his ride mid-river. In addition to a new battery, our hero will be paying big bucks to the tow truck operator who hauled his ride onto dry land. Dan Krykowski, who owns Ben's Auto warned "It ain't gonna be cheap", but refrained, for the moment, from setting a price for his river rescue. Next time, fix a sandwich, dude. It's gotta be a lot cheaper and less action packed. Do You Have Zee Bomb? The training exercise seemed simple enough that even the Surrender Monkeys couldn't screw it up, until the practice bomb - real, no-shit explosives - that they put in a randomly selected passenger's bag came up missing. If you were in Paris Friday evening, and find 5 ounces of plastic explosives among your souvenirs, the Surrender Monkey cops would love to hear from you. They, really, really, really would love to hear from you. How, you ask, did the Surrender Monkey's manage this world-class brainfart?
Although voting won't start for another month, this year's Golden D'oh sweepstakes appears to be a landslide for the Surrender Monkey nitwits who lost zee bomb. It's glass half full time in the Surrender Monkey homeland. Dumber Than A Box Of Rocks Two Florida bright bulbs called the cops when they returned home and discovered that some dastardly thief made off with their pot stash. Unwilling to tolerate this assault on their property, the pair reached for the phone and told the local men in blue all about it.. That's right, true crime fans, these nitwits called the cops and reported that their pot was MIA.
Bay County Sheriff's deputies were a bit hasty, in this pagan scribbler's opinion, when they dubbed the pair "America's dumbest criminals". They'd know better, if they read PIG regularly. The subjects of this epic aren't even in the dumbest criminal top ten, but I'm willing to give them an 'honorable mention'. Domestic Dumbass 101 A rain-soaked, intellectual flatliner staged a miniature re-enactment of Mt. St. Helen's pyrotechnics when he double-parked his lava lamp on a hot stove. The stove fulfilled it's primary function by heating up the lava lamp until...
The lava lamp's ensuing dynamic reconfiguration bestowed a room temperature transition when a glass shard embedded itself in this bright bulb's heart. If these antics are an example of our room temperature hero's critical thinking, we're compelled to confer human gene pool improvement status on his untimely demise. So be it. Afterthoughts International Dumbass 101 Billed as "Britain's Dumbest Criminal", a Brit desperado left a trail of blatant clues that your local toddler could follow. If getting caught topped this Brit dolt's to do list, he virtually guaranteed it by spreading these helping hints: Hint 1: Hint 2: This intellectually-challenged menace to society has ample time to practice for his "Do you want chips with that?" career now that he's an honored guest in the local graybar. Dumber than a box of rocks? You better believe it, dim bulb desperado Sparky. 2003
It Seemed Like A Good Idea Source: Des Moines Register When police stopped a 20-year-old Iowa wench for a driving infraction, she made a hasty decision that she soon regretted. Driving on a suspended license, she gave the cops a false name...her sister's name. What she didn't know, but soon discovered, is that driving on a suspended license, uh, runs in the family. That's right, her sister has been there, done that...too. Now, in addition to 'driving on a suspended license' she faces charges for lying to the cops, plus driving without insurance. Next time...call a cab, babe. You heard it here, first. Requiem
For Lone Star Desperado Adopting a criminal avocation in Mexas is no shit a 'do you feel lucky' gig, given the state's generous to a fault gun ownership laws. A Houston desperado discovered that the hard way while attempting to burglarize a car. Spotted by an alert citizen, Hector Faz was ordered to leave, advice he choose to ignore...his first mistake. The next sound Hector heard - a gunshot - nailed him in the butt with a well-aimed bullet. Suitably motivated, Hector finally decided to seek ill-gotten gains elsewhere, leading us to our Paul Harvey Moment:
When a high velocity bullet enters your body from behind, it, invariably seeks an exit out the front. The bullet in question sought freedom via Hector's 'upper groin', rendering him room temperature in the process. Human gene pool improvement? Oh hell yes, and not a moment too soon. Afterthoughts
Crime
and Punishment, Arizona Style An Arizona lowlife viewed the woman collecting money for the Salvation Army as an easy target, but things are never as simple as they seem. The snatch part worked as expected, since the 60 year old, cerebral palsy plagued woman couldn't stop him from taking her bucket. The lowlife's reality check happened during the dash to freedom part of his repulsive caper:
This asshat has a long, colorful criminal record, so he might view spending the holidays in the gray bar as a holiday visit with old friends. Personally, I favor shooting the bastard, but that response is only valid in Texas. Alas, it's an imperfect world, that way. Criminal
Stupidity - New York Style Empire State desperado, Shalom Gelbman - in addition to packing an asinine name - is an embarrassment to the criminal brotherhood. Impersonating a cop, he used a strobe light to pull over a car, but his victim selection reeks, big damn time. Pulling over an off-duty state trooper is so stupid it's not even covered in remedial desperado 101. Shalom's rap sheet now includes reckless endangerment, criminal impersonation, unauthorized gear in his ride, driving without a registration, and driving without insurance. Shalom, dude, crime is not your best career choice. You heard it here, first. Busy
Hands Are A Hack's Downfall Monroe County District Attorney, Mark Pazuhanich, had everything going his way, or so he thought, after winning a hotly contested election to become the county's sixth judge. For reasons not made clear in this fishwrap spew, Mark attended a teenage pop star concert with a 10 year old wenchlet. Feeling frisky, he plummeted from judge-elect to 'the accused' thanks to his peculiar hot-handed antics.
Lacking the nads to take the well deserved heat, Mark booby-hatched himself in a rehabilitation clinic - I'm guessing drugs or booze - claiming 'stress'. His shyster claims that Mark didn't go there to let the furor run its course before showing his face in public again. Mark - his shyster insists - sought professional help with certain personal...issues. Is this clown's public service career over? It should be, but I seriously doubt it. He'll weasel his way out of it and the local electorate will probably let him. Mark, dude, if you want to get through this unscathed, 'find god'. If 'I have sinned against you, my lord' rescued Jimmy Swaggart, it's a slam dunk to liberate your perverted, child groping butt. Crime
and Punishment in Colorado Colorado's dumbest crook is, finally, the state's graybar hotel guest, but why the cops didn't catch him sooner is a compelling mystery...under the circumstances. His legendary forgetfulness, his talent for leaving behind tattletale clues like breadcrumbs should have made him slammer bait, much, much earlier. Clue
1 Clue
2 Clue
3 Clue
4 [Fun fact: Lee's daddy does own the building and must be proud, and then some, of his legendary son.] Given his latent need to get caught, our hero should have taken out a full page 'arrest me' ad in the Denver Post, instead. It would be much more efficient. In a blatant glass half full spasm, this pagan scribbler is pleased to inform James that he's much more than a top ten dumbest crooks nominee, he's a overwhelming favorite for that coveted number one dumbest crook slot. Empire
State Criminal Stupidity The venerable adage advises 'keep it simple stupid', a truism that an Empire State crook named Joshua Harrington took to heart with fascinating results. Drunk on his ass, he couldn't get a liquor store clerk to sell him a bottle of brandy. Unwilling to let this situation stand, our wasted hero grabbed the bottle and made a headlong dash out the door. That's when another venerable truism - watch where you're going - foiled his crude but heretofore effective scheme.
Gimme! No! Snatch! Flee! Crunch! Ouch! Gotcha! It works for me, how about you? Too hoarse from laughing, no doubt, the store clerk refused to press charges. So be it. Those
Devilish Details Strike Again An escaped prisoner and his freedom-facilitating bride got it right, at first, then let down their guard at the worst possible time, just miles from liberty in sunny Mexico. What
went right Oops San Diego's men in blue nabbed the pair at a Motel 6,then offered them free lodging and an all expenses paid flight back to Mississippi. I'm guessing that, next time, Larry will handle motel registration. That sound like a plan, to this pagan scribbler. True
Crime Adventure - Canadian Division Two Canadian desperados used a Toronto cab driver as an ATM substitute, replacing the bank card with a loaded gun. The robbery went well, but fate - I'm guessing Mother Nature - intervened during their getaway. '...police believe [Randy] Robinson and another man robbed the cabbie and then fled the scene, but the handgun accidentally went off when the dead man tried to put the weapon into his pants...' (Star) Bang! Ouch! Oblivion! I can live with that. Since this punk was a mere 19, it's safe to assume that our human gene pool has been improved. Kudos to Mother Nature for her excellent work in the frozen north. Payback
Is A Bitch A rapist scumbag finally pressed his luck too far, when he tried his sick, twisted shit with the wrong woman. Adrian Ramirez is a puny 140 pound pervert, but his intended victim is a 275 pound hooker. Unlike Adrian's previous victims, our unlikely heroine wasn't intimidated by Ramirez or his knife.
As heroic as this woman was...and I salute her for bagging this asshat, her actions miss the essential point. Why was this unrepentant rapist out on the streets again? Convicted in 1988 of 4 rapes, this assclown is out already and up to us old tricks? What's wrong with this picture? Every-damn-thing. I say give him back to the hooker and let her give him a sex change with a rusty knife. That's real justice. Desperado
Adventures in Jersey A Jersey desperado left some crime perp essentials at home when he went to rob a local store. After lurking in the store, he bagged a candy bar, then went through the motions involved in paying for it. When the store clerk opened the register he brandished his knife, demanding that she hand over the money. Unimpressed, the clerk closed the cash drawer, responding with a non-negotiable "No". He demanded, several more times, without success then no shit started to puddle up, after which he left...empty handed. Attention desperados: Don't leave your, uh, nads at home when pulling a heist. If a simple 'no' makes you cry, then a heartfelt 'bite me' might give you a heart-attack. You heard it here first. Bank
Robbery Is Hungry Work After robbing that local bank, a blase desperado strolled to a nearby fast food outlet for some breakfast. Proving that timing is an essential element in any caper, the desperado got nabbed before his food arrived. The fun fact here is the off-duty cop who just happened to be in the bank when the robbery went down. That's the thrilling tidbit that elevates this epic to Golden D'oh candidate fun and games. Our hungry Mississippi desperado must be thrilled. The
9mm Crime Stopper Theoretically, brandishing a fake gun during a residential robbery isn't a fatally-flawed concept. But, the best laid criminal plans disintegrate when confronted by grim reality. In this instance, grim reality involved an armed and dangerous homeowner.
Ka blam! That easily, reality created a room temperature desperado. This cautionary tale should weed out spineless desperados, thus attenuating the crime rate...should but won't since the liberal, crook-coddling major media outlets never report incidents were a gun is used - successfully - in self defense. The 9mm crime stopper works just fine, for this pagan scribbler. Stupid
Criminal Tricks - Mexas Division A Lone Star state desperado intent on liberating dead presidents from a Houston fast food purveyor got spooked, initially, when some Houston men in blue stopped in for a quick meal. Returning, a few hours later, he completed the robbery part of this caper without a hitch, but managed to drop a filled out job application on the floor, giving police all the help they needed to track him down. If you're stupid - and you know it - you'll never be a successful criminal. Tragically, in this case, our desperado just eliminated any likelihood that he can score a 'do you want fries with that' position when he gets out of jail. Life is so unfair that way...My heart bleeds... Stupid
Criminal Tricks - Missouri Division After a night on the town during which father and son bonded over some adult beverages, daddy cranked up his 62 year-old-brain cells and decided that, rather than walk home, they should liberate some dead presidents and a car from a nearby Pizza Hut. Daddy's plan involved him playing the lookout while his 32-year-old offspring shoved an electric drill with no bit attached under his jacket to give him a 'I'm armed and dangerous' aura when he demanded money and a car. Setting aside the burning question - why were these two carrying a drill around when they're out drinking - we'll move on to the action phase of this true crime adventure.
This epic epitomizes a venerable adage: 'the apple never falls far from the tree'. Both the apple and papa tree could be hanging out together in the gray bar hotel for 15 years, if convicted of second-degree robbery. Dumber than a box of rocks? You better believe it, amateur desperado Sparky. NOVEMBER
2003
Human Gene Pool Improvement Source: AP Did you ever wonder what might happen when you exit your truck carrying a loaded shotgun? Neither did a Hoosier named Charles Brownlee Sr, but he knows the answer, now. Oops, Ka-Blam, oblivion, sums it up nicely.
Police opine that our hero intended to terminate a deer, making this pagan consider the possibility that Mother Nature played a vital, personal role in this room temperature transition. Did she stick out her foot and initiate this gene pool improving adventure? Where, exactly, was Mother Nature at the time? Human Gene
Pool Improvement A Michigan denizen strayed onto this pagan's human gene pool improvement radar thanks to his curious hunting apparel. It's described as a 'camouflage garment made from burlap', for those who obsess on such pesky details.
Michael's towering inferno impression gave him 'second and third degree burns over 90% of his body', followed by a painful room temperature transition in the hospital. If you're in the boondocks wearing ridiculously flammable clothes, setting yourself on fire, miles from the nearest medical professional is not an idea whose time has come. Girl Power
In South Philly A South Philly pervert spent the past six weeks flashing his 'business' at St. Maria Goretti High School wenchlets, until he got up close and personal with girl powered retribution. His day started routinely, with his little soldier waving at the girls, but life got thrilling for him when a prior victim spotted him. Summoning two friends, Dorothy Kobicko went after the pervert, gathering more wenchlets - 20 in all - along the way.
The enraged wenchlets kept the pervert there, showering him with invective, until the cops arrived to offer him civic accommodations. Kudos to these wenchlets for their crime stopping adventure. Attention Philly Dudes: Girl power rules in South Philly. If you let it all hang out, these alert teenage wenchlets will have you playing Buford's Bitch alongside this Philly pervert. Don't make Dorothy come after you. True Crime
Adventure A foolishly trusting wench left her Trans-Am running to warm it up, allowing an alert lowlife - 20-year-old Jesse Hildalgo - to drive off with it. Distressed, but still rational, the wench called the cell phone she left in her ride and our hero, Jesse, answered it. He offered to return her ride for a dead presidents infusion, then, after some dickering, settled on $5000 in dead presidents for the car's safe return. If you can't see where this is heading, shame on you:
Jesse, dude, crime isn't your prime gig because you were born without a single functional synapse. If this exemplifies your critical thinking, start practicing this intellectual flat-liner mantra: Do you want fries with that? True Crime
Adventure The venerable adage warns that 'timing is everything', a truism that is especially meaningful to a certain Big Apple pickpocket. His saga begins with him loitering near a N. Y. State lottery claims center. Spotting a likely target, he bull's-eyed a lucky $2,500 winner who just collected his boodle. The daring desperado nailed his quarry in a subway entrance on Wall Street. That fast, he knocked his victim down, grabbed the money then switched to escape mode. The victim shouted for police assistance and got his plea answered big time, leading us to our Paul Harvey Moment:
Everett Jones, the world's unluckiest desperado might want to contemplate a career change during his gray bar hotel vacation. Crime, in his case, damn sure doesn't pay. Big Apple
Beaning Armed with a .38, the teenage desperado pulled off the food store heist flawlessly, up to a point. Brandishing his gun, he liberated wallets, purses and jewelry from store customers, before going for the store's cash drawer. That's when his caper drove off the rails into desperado ignobility, thanks to a customer and his bottle of adult beverage.
After Humberto christened the gun-packing teenager, he and he customers 'subdued him', this fishwrap's clever way of reporting that the customers beat the living snot out of the punk. Vigilante justice? You better believe it, gun punk Sparky. – Compiled by T.D. Treat |
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Copyright 1993-2006 PIG - The Politically Incorrect Gazette
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TONGUETIED • • • • • • • • • • • • • • FRONTPAGEMAG • • • • • • • • • • • • • • TOWNHALL • • • • • • • • • • • • • • LARRYELDER • • • • • • • • • • • • • • FARK • • • • • • • • • • • • • • STUDENTS FOR ACADEMIC FREEDOM • • • • • • • • • • • • • • CAMPUS NONSENSE • • • • • • • • • • • • • • THE FIRE.ORG • • • • • • • • • • • • • • ACCURACY IN ACADEMIA • • • • • • • • • • • • • • CHRONICLE.COM • • • • • • • • • • • • • • CAPITALIST MAGAZINE • • • • • • • • • • • • • • NATIONALREVIEW • • • • • • • • • • • • • • REASON • • • • • • • • • • • • • • ADVERSITY • • • • • • • • • • • • • • BONDINFO • • • • • • • • • • • • • • RESIST DEFAMATION • • • • • • • • • • • • • • CHRONICLESMAG • • • • • • • • • • • • • • THEBIRDMAN.ORG • • • • • • • • • • • • • • RAINBOW PIMP COALITION • • • • • • • • • • • • • • IWF • • • • • • • • • • • • • • OVERLAWYERED • • • • • • • • • • • • • • DUMBLAWS • • • • • • • • • • • • • • ACCURACY IN MEDIA • • • • • • • • • • • • • • FIGHT THE BIAS • • • • • • • • • • • • • • MEDIA RESEARCH • • • • • • • • • • • • • • DUMB CELEBRITIES • • • • • • • • • • • • • • HOLLYWOOD INVESTIGATOR • • • • • • • • • • • • • • EHOWA • • • • • • • • • • • • • • FRANCE STINKS • • • • • • • • • • • • • • |
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