DECEMBER 2006
Missed It By "That" Much
Source: PIG News Wire [12/22/06]
Winter Solstice is one of the oldest winter festivities in the world. It denotes the shortest day of the year, the day when the sun is at its greatest distance from the celestial equator, directly over the tropic of Capricorn. If you’re a pagan and planning to celebrate Winter Solstice, the preferred place to get the deed done is at Stonehenge.
This year, 60 raring to go pagans from near and far flocked to Stonehenge on December 21st to perpetrate the usual pagan festivities. There were, however, a few speed bumps lurking between the pagans and their Winter Solstice observances. When the pagans arrived at Stonehenge, the gatekeepers were very surprised to see them. Why? This year, Winter Solstice is on December 22, not December 21. The pagans showed up a day early.
If your major winter festival can occur on one of two days, you’d think that at least one pagan would dial up the local star gazer and ask him, her, himher, or it "When is Winter Solstice this year?". Apparently that never occurred to the festive pagans. The upshot is that they decided that December 21st is ‘close enough for government work’ and went about their festive prancing, dancing and assorted other pagan practices. That, it seems, was just a dress rehearsal. A different, better informed crowd showed up on December 22 to get the job done on the proper day.
When I have questions of this magnitude, I call up Bernie "The Brain" Kowolski. Getting the right Winter Solstice info is as easy as, "Bernie, dude, when is Winter Solstice this year?" "December 22 at 0022 GMT, Hambo." See? It’s as easy as that.
PIG-Worthy International Wackiness
Source: PIG’s International News Wire [12/15/06]
Ronna (Sweden)
If the faces at Ronna’s police headquarters aren’t red, they damn sure should be. Why? The following imagined conversation between a Ronna cop and a badge packing colleague from Stockholm should give you a hint.
Ronna Cop: "What the hell are you doing in town, Sven?"
Sven: "I’m on a stakeout."
Ronna Cop: " A stakeout? Where?"
Sven: "Right here, across from your police station."
Ronna Cop: "You’re watching us? Why?"
Sven: "I’m watching the brothel that is operating out of your building, right next door to the police station."
Ronna Cop: "Holy Crap! The whole town will be laughing at us. I hope those PIG bastards don’t hear about this."
Ok, I agree that the PIG reference is frivolous, but otherwise the conversation gives you the big picture of a brothel operating, literally, right under the local cops noses. Rest easy, we’re pleased to report that, eventually, the Stockholm cops busted the people in the brothel, and the rest, as they say, is history.
London (England)
In a classic case of closing the barn door after the horses have gotten out, some Brit political hacks have, belatedly, realized that spending more than £100 million on translation service in the UK isn’t a winning strategy. According to Communities Secretary Ruth Kelly, coddling these UK denizen in their native language isn’t motivating immigrants to learn English.
"She [Ruth Kelly] has already made clear that public services need to give far greater priority to promoting social cohesion and shared values rather than supporting separateness and we are examining the issue of translation in this context." (Communities Minister Phil Woolas as quoted by BBC)
Other "experts" tend to agree, but are falling back on that all purpose excuse to do nothing to correct the situation, form a group to "study the issue thoroughly". In other words, "oops, we really mucked that up, but the chad punchers might forget about it if we ignore it long enough":
"We believe that the system may need to be rebalanced to give a greater focus on teaching English and this includes looking at the advice given from government, public bodies and local authorities. But it is essential that we study this issue carefully first as there may be situations, such as access to medical services, where it is important that provision is made in other languages." (A dweeb named Trevor Phillips - former fearless leader of the Commission for Racial Equality)
How big is the problem? One local council translates its 'how to dispose of your garbage' prose in 15 different languages. Another council is spending money on one-on-one lessons - in Turkish - on how to quit smoking for a Turkish woman who has lived in the UK for 5 years. And what, you ask, does our pal Trevor think about this translation spending? Wonder no more:
"Translation is not a disincentive. It allows them to get access to services while they learn English. Translation is a way of helping people in transition into integrating into our society."
Nice try, dude, but a woman who has lived in the UK for 22 years admits that learning English isn’t necessary:
"When you are trying to help us you are actually harming. Even before we ask, all we have to do is say hello, they are here with their interpreters. We just sit here doing nothing and we don't need to speak in English at all." (BBC)
What was that you said about it not being a disincentive, Trevor? Why don’t you try pulling your head out of your butt before you star spouting off?
Vienna (Austria)
It’s called "Vienna Sees It Differently" and it’s some mind-numbing gender equality bovine excrement that thrills Vienna’s Nanny State Nitwits spitless. In practice, it’s all about giving womyn equal time when it comes to crossing signals, and all sorts of cautionary/instructive signs. An AFP piece shares these stop the presses facts:
‘...Its aim is to "give both genders the same exposure and ensure an equal distribution of chances, opportunities and duties" by changing the gender of figures pictured on familiar signs, City Hall said in a statement.
"Because it clashes with fixed visual habits, the campaign compels (people) to think, look and act differently," Sonja Wehsely, city councillor in charge of women's affairs, said in the statement.
Thus, signs using male characters will have their female equivalent, while the opposite will also be true...’
Some of the gems perpetrated in this "Gender Mainstreaming" scheme sound like they’re straight out of a PIG parody: a pictogram in bathrooms shows a man instead of a women changing a baby’s diaper; bus seats reserved for urped women or seniors will have a image showing a man holding a child. One sign that didn’t make the cut shows a woman in a skirt digging in a pile of dirt, but the reasons for its rejection are obscured by prose about "traffic regulations".
Oddly Enough
Source: PIG News Wire [12/08/06]
Stafford (England)
All a Brit named Roy Edensor wanted to do was buy a Christmas gift for his son. Knowing how much the lad enjoyed CBBC’s ‘Smile’ show, Roy decided that Nev the Bear - a featured player in the show - would be perfect. In theory, the talking bear’s prattle "I love you", "Fwightened" and "Yum Yum" should delight Roy’s son. In theory, but objective reality - aided and abetted by some unknown prankster - had other ideas.
Roy’s first hint that "We’re not in Kansas anymore, Toto", came when Nev the Bear blurted out "Prick". I can’t speak for Roy or his son, but a talking toy bear who says "PRICK" is ideal for our esteemed editor, Hambo. However, since Roy isn’t as twisted as Hambo, he returned to bear to the local Tesco store, prompting those capitalists to pull the batch of Nev bears from the shelves.
Alyangula (Northern Territory Aussie Town)
On paper, bringing together the members of two feuding families at a meeting to settle their differences probably looked like a spiffy notion. I’m not sure what was written on the invitations that went out, but some critical rules of engagement were, obviously, neglected. For example, somebody might have taken steps to disarm the 200 people who showed up for the meeting with their axes, spears and - drum roll - home-made swords.
The meeting fell apart like a cheap suit when members of the two families greeted their rivals with "taunts" and "verbal abuse". From there, things got really ugly, and an all night melee ensued that caused more then $20,000 worth of damage and resulted in at least 11 arrests, with many more under consideration.
Next time, bring Henry Kissinger out of mothballs and have him start up his legendary "shuttle diplomacy" between the two warring camps. Why, oh, why must PIG do all the heavy lifting on such things?
Elgin, Moray (Scotland)
Technically, both are speaking English. Technically, but the workers at an English pager center can’t make head or tails of the calls for assistance coming from the Scottish pub landlords in Elgin, Moray. The problem is a bitter pill for the pub landlords to swallow, since they had high hopes for the new system. In theory it look great because a pub employee sensing trouble brewing could simply call the English pager company which would, in turn, notify the local police. In theory, but that assumed the English call center workers could decode English that’s laced with a heavy Scottish accent.
The fatal flaw in the system came to light when Elgin publicans tried to nip some potential YOB problems in the bud. That’s when the pub owners decided that it was a complete exercise in futility. By the time the English workers in a pager company in Middlesex had a clue about the problem, the YOBs were long gone.
"The call centre people often couldn't make out what staff were saying, and the police couldn't make out the messages sent on to them. The delay in getting help meant the people we were trying to catch could do a runner. I would pick up the phone and dial 999 because it was far quicker." (Karen McPhee, owner of Elgin’s Ionic Bar as quoted by the Daily Record on 12/06/06)
A new system is now in place and, so far, it’s much more efficient. The pubs are now using two way radios to sound the alarm. In addition, each radio has a "panic button" that links them directly to the local police. So far, the pub owners are finding the radios an improvement over the pager system.
Valea Sarii (Romania)
Father Petrica Bratu is breaking hard on brides who walk down the aisle in less that mint condition while wearing a white dress. If they’ve ever been horizontal and squishy but choose to wear a white dress anyway, Father Bratu will impose a "white dress fine", that will run between 10 and 60 pounds (approximately $18 to $112). That’s a major hit in a nation where the average monthly salary is 100 pounds (about $190).
'The fine depends on how intimate a couple have been before they get married. If they have just moved in together it will be around ten pounds but it goes up to 60 pounds if the bride is pregnant or already has a child.' Thus introducing the interesting concept of a sliding scale of virginity. I want to cut down on the number of couples living in sin before getting married. What is the use of the white bridal dress if the bride went from one man to the next, or if she comes into church holding the hand of her child? White is a symbol of purity. I want this to stay unchanged. I do not want young people to think that there is no such thing as sacred matrimony." (Father Bratu as quoted on the Metro.co.uk site)
This pagan scribbler wonders what kind of pre-marriage virginity check Father Bratu has in mind. Will hearsay suffice or is he going to call in the local quack to check out the bridal nads before she walks down the aisle wearing white?
NOVEMBER 2006
Brit Killjoys
Source: Evening Standard [11/28/06]
A Brit government "watchdog" agency that makes life miserable with its industrial relations regulations (Acas) dumped a torrent of cold water on the venerable Christmastime office party. As reported in this Evening Standard piece, the Acas "advice pamphlet" included some amazing tidbits:
Age discrimination: this potential gotcha would be triggered if the music and/or entertainment was geared, exclusively toward younger workers. ("ensure there is a mix of music and that any organised entertainment takes account of all ages")
Raffles: This is a bad idea, Acas insists, because Mecca Maniacs aren’t allowed to gamble and having a raffle might offend them.
Prizes: This is another area where Mecca Maniacs might be offended, so Acas warns companies not to offer meat or booze as prizes.
Decorations: A "proper risk assessment" must be conducted by the company before any decorations are deployed. Also, any decorations must be carefully scrutinized to make sure they are strictly "secular" and devoid of religious overtones.
GLAAD BAAGs: ‘Any member of staff who suffers "verbal abuse" for being gay could also sue - even if it takes place in the pub before the office party’ (Evening Standard)
Staff Safety: Acas decrees that it is the company’s responsibility to see that each member of their staff gets home safely after this office Christmas party. ‘...[Companies must provide] plenty of food and soft drink, the number of taxi companies in the area and [ensure that] the event finishes while public transport is still running...’ (Evening Standard)
Verbal abuse/harassment: ‘...Acas warns employers are responsible for events which take place even outside of the official party in a local pub. The pub, if staff are visiting prior to the event, is "an extension of work", so covered by all the usual discrimination laws. It opens firms to the prospect of a harassment claim as a result of banter or abuse over which they have no control...’ (Evening Standard)
As expected, some of Britain’s rational adults were far from thrilled with this Acas insanity:
"Acas is supposed to be a serious organisation with a serious job to do, so why is it making such a complete and utter fool of itself with such fatuous nonsense. They should be getting on with their job - which is to deal with serious abuse in the workplace - rather than interfering in people's lives and office Christmas parties." (Ruth Lea, director of the Centre for Policy Studies)
"It seems Acas are setting themselves up as the most politically-correct killjoys of the year. There is not a shred of evidence that celebrating Christmas is offensive to religious groups, but still this left-wing clap nonsense continues to be peddled. To suggest that alcohol should not be given out as a raffle prize is taking things to absolutely ridiculous levels." (Conservative MP Philip Davies)
Acas should offer this office party pamphlet on Amazon under the heading "office humor".
Miss Great Britain - Story Update
Source: PIG News Wire [11/18/06]
Regular PIG readers should remember our Golden Oinks 2006 coverage of Danielle Lloyd who was booted from her Miss Great Britain reign because the officials found out she’d been getting horizontal and squishy with one of the judges, BEFORE, the contest. For those with short attention spans, here’s our Golden Oinks report:
It’s accurate to report that eyebrows - among other things - were raised when Miss Great Britain - Danielle Lloyd - started dating her prime squeeze, soccer star Teddy Sheringham. The couple tried to defuse the fuss when they explained that Danielle and Teddy became an item long after she won her Miss Great Britain title in February. Why is this anyone’s business? Oh, did we forget to mention that Teddy was one of the judges at the Miss Great Britain contest when Danielle dazzled everyone with her sash and tiara-worthy curves? It must have slipped our minds in all the excitement.
The story of a post pageant coupling worked as planned until Danielle shot off her mouth during an magazine interview. She bragged about the Christmas gift that her man Teddy gave her while they were in bed together. Since last Christmas preceded the Miss Great Britain booty contest, the pageant officials dropped Danielle like a bad habit and transferred her crown and sash to a new Miss Great Britain. PIG is fine with the change, but we do have a couple pesky questions: Does Teddy go with the crown and tiara? Is getting horizontal and squishy with him part of the Miss Great Britain package?
If you’re interested in the charms that lured Teddy into her bed, you’ll be thrilled to hear that Danielle strutted her stuff in a recent issue of ‘Playboy’.
Fast forward to the present and Miss Great Britain officials are painting a new bull’s-eye on Danielle’s delicious derriere. Miss Great Britain pageant officials hired a shyster and are suing Danielle for "bringing the title into disrepute". In addition to some, as yet, unspecified compensation, Miss Great Britain officials are demanding that Danielle fork over some money from certain "secret profits" that she made on Miss Great Britain’s dime. Undaunted by this shyster assault, Danielle hired her own shyster and is mounting a "vigorous" defense.
PIG predicts much more fun coming our way, so we plan to bring you all the juicy tidbits. It’s stay tuned time at PIG News.
Banned In Bangkok
Source: PIG News Wire [11/18/06]
Thailand’s ruling military meatheads black flagged an operatic version of a venerable Hindu saga named "Ramayana" because - we’re not making this up - it showed the death of a key character, the demon-king Thotsakan, on stage. Showing this fictional character achieving room temperature on stage is, the meatheads claim, taboo in Thai culture, because it’s a well known bad luck omen. The military meatheads are cowering in their combat boots because somebody might use this on stage no-no as an excuse to take out one or more members of this military dictatorship.
‘...The officials, whom [Composer Somtow Sucharitkul] did not identify, said that portraying Thotsakan's death on stage was taboo in Thai culture and would be a "bad omen," the 53-year-old composer told The Associated Press. Somtow — who also maintains a home in Los Angeles — said the officials told him that "if anything happened to anyone in power in Thailand, it would be blamed on this production."...’ (AP)
None of the ruling military meatheads wants to discuss this matter - on or off the record - but the fact remains that they strong-armed the production into changing the "offending" scene. Did that satisfy the military meatheads? Hardly. They subsequently sent over more ominous warnings via a new contract including "a broad clause saying that if anything in the opera offended the morals of Thailand, they had the right to close down the opera immediately".
This just in! In Thailand, inalienable individual liberty in general, and free speech in particular, is deader than Michael Richards’ show business career.
International News Roundup
Source: PIG’s Worldwide News Wire [11/17/06]
England
Peter and Jean Williams were out for a drive on a narrow country road when an out of control car hit them head-on, killing Peter and severely injuring Jean. As much as that reeks, it gets worse, because the speeding car that hit them was a cop car that was involved in a two-car test of a new speed measuring system named VASCAR. The Daily Mail shared these facts:
‘...The police car involved in the accident was being tailed by another, a Volvo, fitted with a VASCAR device, designed to calculate the speed of the vehicle in front. The Lancashire officers are understood to have been evaluating the device, which the force has not used before. As the two marked police cars rounded a bend in broad daylight, the lead vehicle was involved in a head-on collision with a VW Touran...’
The road selected for this road test of the new gizmo is, at best, a stupid choice, since it features a series of sudden dips that obscure a driver’s view of the road ahead. That topography might explain why it has been the scene of several horrendous car accidents. Why in the hell did they decide to use that road for their test? Why not a nice, straight, wide open stretch of road? Or, why not close down the road completely during the test? So far, the relevant authorities are unresponsive. However, they are ‘conducting an investigation’. Do they call these internal investigations a "whitewash" in England, too?
India
Eleven Indian Airways stewardesses are trying to exact some payback after the national air carrier grounded them, without pay, for exceeding the airlines specified, non-negotiable weight limit. They were part of a larger group of 140 employees who were nailed by the airlines who warned every-damn-body that they would be black flagged if they exceeded the weight limit which is based on criteria like age and height. Although all of them eventually shed the extra tonnage and returned to flight status, these 11 are still whining about this incident claiming that it gave them a boo-boo on their self esteem. Whine, whine, whine.
The fly in the ointment is the fact that, in bygone years, Indian Airways wasn’t as strict about enforcing their weight requirement. In fact, some air hostesses were allowed to exceed the weight limit by as much as 3 kilograms (6.6lbs), but these days the airlines is busting employees who exceed the limit by as little as 500 grams (1.1lbs).
I’d like to tell you I give a damn about this nitpicking rule wrangling, but I can’t. They all knew the rules. They were all warned that, henceforth, the rules would be strictly enforced. Which part of lose the tonnage or you’re grounded plumper breath didn’t they understand?
Spain
Spain’s Fat Nazis are mad as hell at Burger King. Why? Those dastardly American capitalists are running an ad campaign for something Burger King calls ‘its monster XXL burger’. The ads feature a photo of the impressive Double-Cheese Bacon XXL nosh and the slogan "It’s awful being a vegetarian, right?" And what, you ask, is in this Burger King appetizer? According to Burger King’s Spanish website, this fast food gem is "two enormous portions of flame-broiled meat that will give you all the energy you need to take the world by storm".
Alarmed Spanish Fat Nazis are in a lather over the XXL’s nearly 1000 calories and the 25 grams of fat it contains. Since this XXL violates something called the "National Initiative Against Obesity", Spain’s Fat Nazis demanded that Burger King stop the campaign, immediately. Did the Burger King officials knuckle under? Not a chance. The firm responded with the functional equivalent of a "Bite Me".
Afterthought:
PIG is compelled to wonder how these Spanish Fat Nazis would react to the Heart Attack Grill’s "quadruple bypass burger" and 8,000 calorie gem that’s so loaded up it makes this Burger King XXL seem like health food.
PIG-Worthy International News
Source: PIG’s International News Wire [11/10/06]
Jolly Old England I
If, like this lowly Yank, you never heard of this "wear a red poppy on Rememberance Day" tradition, get ready for a new Brit culture tidbit. For those who don’t know, "Rememberance Day" is the Brit version of our Veterans Day, a day when a nation takes a brief timeout to honor the brave men and women who died protecting liberty. The red poppy tradition started in 1918 when an American woman, Moira Michael, wrote a poem in which the writer promised to wear a red poppy to honor the dead. Three years later, the first Poppy Day was staged and it has been a fixture on the Brit calendar ever since. In 1931, some "give peace a chance" Brits started a competing tradition that involved wearing a white poppy to signify one’s devotion to peace.
Fast forward to the present and a Brit Cross Cult cabal, Ekklesia, accused the red poppy mainstream of imposing their crimsion flower on everybody in a perverse form of political correctness. This group stirred up controversy by opining that everyone should be free from Poppy Day coercion and choose a red or white poppy as they saw fit. And why, you ask, are these Cross Cultists in a lather over Poppy Day? According to our news source, they have their holy roller knickers in a knot because, in many Brit organizations, employees are being told not to wear their crosses. Their bottom line is this: the red poppy is a Nanny State "icon" that is "forced" upon unwilling Brits. The best way to protest the secular war on wearing the cross is to refuse to wear the Nanny State’s red poppy icon.
Liberty should prevail and individuals should be free to honor their fallen soldiers as they see fit. On the subject of banning the cross, that’s a much different issue. An employer has every right to set dress codes for his, her, hisher or its employees. If the rules are intolerable to the employee they should seek employment with a more enlightened firm.
Jolly Old England II
The more I read about the U.K., the more convinced I am that their regional councils are teeming with pinheads, scoundrels and petty tyrants. They intrude everywhere and, invariably, impose mind-numbing restrictions on rational adults. For example, the Devon city council just imposed a £1-an-hour parking fee on Sundays that now applies to formerly exempted church goers. In bygone days - to recognize the churches’ contributions to the city - the Devon Parking Nazis allowed church goers to park for free. That had to change because some Devon council clown decided that it favored one religion (Cross Cultism) over others (I’m guessing Mecca Mania). That excuse doesn’t pass the smell test with Devon Cross Cultists who think this is just another example of local council greed. That works for me, since, by the council’s own admission the "revised" parking scheme will give them a whopping £144,000 (approximately $270,000) in Parking Nazi loot to squander on their asinine antics.
As annoying as this "you gotta pay to park, true believer Sparky" crap is, there’s a much bigger question that needs to be asked: why the hell does the Devon council own the "car parks" in the first place? The best way to settle this matter would be to turn them over to the marketplace and let those car park running capitalists decide who needs to pay on Sunday morning.
India
This pathetic story started when an alleged man from Badr-ul Hasan (India) waylaid a deaf-mute woman and raped her in a field. The police are inquiring into the crime, but they can’t charge this rat bastard unless they turn up some proof, preferably some eye-witness testimony. Barring that, this rapist bastard is free and clear, as far as the cops are concerned.
The village elders have a lower bar when it comes to proof, so they convicted the rapist scum without working up a sweat. That’s the good news. The bad news is that the only punishment they can "legally" inflict on the rapist is having him - we are not making this up - publically slapped 51 times. Oh, they also fined him $110. The idea is to shame this clown. We have a better idea. Some of the victim’s male relatives should drop in on this rapist and go old school by kicking his sorry ass until he "volunteers" to leave the village and never return.
Worldly News Nuggets
Source: PIG International News Wire [11/03/06]
England
The infamous Marxist motto - From each according to his ability, to each according to his need - is taking on added meaning in the U.K. Determined to coddle the parasites who keep them in power, the Labour party is gearing up to plunder those fortunate Brits who live in nice neighborhoods. If you’re a Brit who worked hard to find a home in a nice locale where the streets are clean, crime is low, schools are excellent and life is good, Labour wants to make you pay extra taxes.
The critical factor in this blatant Labour attempt to extort more money from certain Brits is a new ‘Big Brother’ computer system that will analyze the living conditions of all 21 million Brit homes:
‘...The software, which will be used in the forthcoming revaluation of all 21 million homes in England, contains astonishingly detailed data on the number of households, even those who have pets, wear contact lenses or are vegetarian. It allows inspectors to put a precise value on each home, based not only by its size and features, but its location. The move is a further blow to homeowners who are facing the prospect of being fined for refusing to let council tax inspectors come into their homes to photograph any improvements. Campaigners have warned that bills could rise by as much as four times in areas which are deemed 'desirable' - sending some bills spiralling from £1,000 to £4,000...’ (Daily Mail)
This just in! Big Brother is alive and well in England. He’s thisclose to punishing Brits who worked hard to make a good life for themselves and their families by imposing Draconian new taxes. Will this Labour-inspired extortion scheme work? You better believe it, Sparky, because they know, better than anybody, that parasites always outnumber the achievers by a wide margin.
England II
You’re a passenger on a Virgin Trains route from London Euston to Manchester when the trip is halted for no apparent reason at Rugby, Warks. About the time you’re getting ready to ask a Virgin Trains minion about the unexpected delay, you hear that surreal announcement over the train’s public address system. The train, you’re informed, has a wonky windscreen wiper and that’s a real pisser because it’s raining like hell outside. As weird as that sounds, it gets much more bizarre. Do any of the passengers have some cable ties that could be used to repair the wonky wiper, the train wranglers inquired.
‘[David] Gaskin told train staff he had some plastic cable ties and a tube of superglue in his briefcase. Another passenger, who was a former Network Rail engineer, climbed on to the front of the engine and tried to fix the loose windscreen wiper blades but was unsuccessful...’ (BBC)
When the repairs failed the train was taken "out of service". Does Virgin Trains offer this "if the train breaks, be prepared to fix it yourself" service at cut rates? Enquiring minds want to know.
Saudi Arabia
A woman who was gang raped by some Sand Box scumbags has been condemned to 90 lashes of the whip because she was - we swear this is true - alone in the car with a man who wasn’t her husband when the attack took place. The only good news here is that the perps are looking at a taste of the lash and some jail time:
‘...[Four of her attackers], all married, were sentenced respectively to five years and 1,000 lashes, four years and 800 lashes, four years and 350 lashes, and one year and 80 lashes. A fifth, married, man who was stated to have filmed the rape on his mobile phone still faces investigation. Two others alleged to have taken part in the rape evaded capture...’ (Jerusalem Post)
A rape victim, a woman who is gang raped, gets 90 lashes with a whip? Tell me, again, about how tolerant and liberty-venerating Mecca Mania is.
New Zealand
A Kiwi airline passenger named Tui Peter Russel did a header into world class airline security stupidity recently and it damn near killed him. Our hero began his headlong plunge into intellectual flatliner hell when he tried to check in for a flight from Auckland to Christchurch. The encounter became potentially fatal when our hero - a diabetic - had his life-preserving insulin black flagged by a clueless Qantas minion. Despite the fact that the medication was clearly labeled, the Qantas cretin was steadfast in his brain-fart.
When he started to feel ill during the flight, Tui summoned a flight attendant. When they found out he’s diabetic, they asked about his insulin. His story about the airport incident didn’t please anybody. The flight attendants did their best under trying circumstances, but despite their best efforts, our hero was unconscious when they landed. It took a two week hospital stay to put Tui back on his feet, but he’s unwilling to let the matter drop. He’s suing and we damn sure don’t blame him. Qantas is spouting drivel about Tui being "wrongly advised at the check-in desk" but nobody seems willing to part with any cash to pay our hero after they tried to kill him.
OCTOBER 2006
International News Briefs
Source: PIG’s International News Wire [10/27/06] Britain
The Nanny State pinheads running the Kirkless Council squandered £6,000 ($11,220) of the taxpayers’ money to teach a parking fine violator that you can’t fight city hall and win. The fun started when Nick Newby left his ride at a car park while he went to a nearby library. According to Nick, the signs were misleading, so he refused to pay the £25 ($42.50) ticket for not shelling out the requisite 10p (about 20 cents) parking fee. His refusal to pay set off a 20 month legal battle with the Kirkless Council and its parking bureaucrats.
By the time the battle reached its culmination in a Brit court this week, the Kirkless Council was demanding nearly 300 pounds from Nick, for the fine and part of the council’s legal costs. The bad news is that, technically, Nick lost his appeal. That means he’s on the hook for the parking fine, but the judge cut him some slack on the court costs demanded by the council. According to the judge, the council’s legal costs wound was self-inflicted so he ordered an "absolute discharge" in Nick’s favor, meaning he’s off the hook for court costs. Nick calls it a "moral victory" and we tend to agree.
The final irony is this: parking in the car park where Nick did a header into Nanny State intransigence is now free of charge.
Mexico
The ink was barely dry on the border fence bill that W just signed when Mexico and 27 other caterwauling pissant countries issued a noisy declaration protesting the fact that America is giving lip service to securing its own borders. Here’s how AP described this whine-a-thon:
‘...The declaration, read out at the OAS (Organization of American States) headquarters in Washington, said the barriers would not solve the immigration problem and urged the U.S. government to rethink its position, according to press releases from the OAS and Mexican foreign ministry.
The 28 nations express "deep concern regarding the decision adopted by the United States of America to build and extend a wall on its border with Mexico, considering it to be a unilateral measure that goes against the spirit of understanding," it said in the declaration, which was read out by Mexico's Ambassador Alejandro Garcia Moreno...’ (AP)
Proving that even lefty journalists like those infesting AP have a sense of humor, this paragon of journalism felt the need to include this side splitter: "The United States refused to sign the declaration". Well, duh, genius. Proving that he’s been watching too much History Channel fare, Vicente W. Fox added his own dose of insanity be comparing the fence that W will never build to the Berlin Wall. Vicente, dude, take the pill like a good boy. The Berlin Wall separated German citizens from other German Citizens. The wall that won’t be built would separate AMERICANS from all you border jumping rat bastards from Mexico and the rest of the scumbag countries that want to export their poverty to the USA.
Brit Garbage Gestapo
Source: PIG’s Brit Correspondent Andrew [10/17/06]
When it comes to garbage, Brit bureaucrats are way over the edge. A sportswriter named Michael Reeves found that out the hard way recently. In April, he got a Garbage Gestapo "warning shot" across his bows when he put his trash bins out a day early because he was off on a holiday. In June, the situation escalated when a member of the Garbage Gestapo found a piece of paper "contaminating" his bottles and cans only recycling bag. That infraction cost Michael £200. It also cost the Garbage Gestapo something, because Michael has stopped his voluntary recycling program completely. No recycling bag, no fines. Game, set, match.
Normally, this is where we’d launch a table pounding tantrum about Nanny State lunacy running amok in Britain. Normally, but we’re pleased to report that PIG’s Brit correspondent, Andrew, has already been there, done that:
So for the sake of a single incident involving a small amount of paper waste, Mr. Reeves, understandably, now refuses to recycle his rubbish, this of course would be an unforseen consequence of their actions by Mr. Council Pinhead and his team. So now we have one less person willing to recycle. Nothing like spreading the gospel of recycling eh? The law under which he was prosecuted was brought in to punish those who fly-tip and dispose of harmful substances into the environment. Last I heard paper wasn't listed as a toxic material. Once again a public servant pinhead gets all power mad and misuses legislation for the protection of all, to pursue a mindless and costly action for something trivial.
So we (the people) actually employ someone to voyeuristically examine peoples waste?
'Trained'? Can you imagine such a training course?
"Right guys, we've got a suspect wheelie bin at number 17 High Street, put on your full protective clothing, and starting at the top systematically remove and examine every bit of waste",
"You found an unrecycled glass bottle in the waste bin? Good lad! Well done, Let's get the evidence photographed and fingerprinted, bagged and sent to the prosecutor's office.."
"Course complete, you get a merit for discovering the bottle.."
Marvel should create a comic about an unassuming bin man who, upon suspecting lack of recycling, jumps into a skip, changes outfit and turns (resplendent in head-to-toe themed lycra bodystocking) into BIN EXAMINING MAN. They'll sell oooh, at least half a dozen copies in Swansea, such will be the interest. Spielberg could make a film of it: a true life hero disguised as a bin man. Leaping from tall buildings. Faster than a speeding dump truck. Think of the merchandising possibilities.
Thank the lord we're all saved from junk-mail 'contaminating' tin cans. Next they'll be charging us by the kilogram to collect rubbish and placing microchips on the bin to identify us...Oops! They're already piloting such a scheme.
He’s right about the microchips. According to a BBC item:
"Microchips are being placed in wheelie bins to measure recycling rates of thousands of people in Northumberland. About 4,000 households in Alnwick will take part in the five-month project to monitor how much rubbish is recycled. Special equipment fitted to refuse vehicles will read the chips in the bins and instantly record the amount of recycled waste."
The Garbage Gestapo insists they’re just trying to enlighten and educate the denizens of Northumberland whose recycling efforts are sub-par. These trash-obsessed twerps swear on a stack of recycled fishwraps that no fines will be assessed. There aren’t any fines, YET, but once the government funding for this project runs out...Do we really need to draw you a damn picture - on recycled paper, of course?
U.K. Police Story Doubleheader
Source: PIG’s International News Wire [10/16/06]
Tat’s a No-No
After toiling for 16 years in the Brit postal service, Paul Heatherson decided that it was time for a change, and who can blame him. Seeking new challenges, Paul filled out a job application for London’s Metropolitan Police. The job-related gotcha that tripped Paul up is laid out in this Metropolitan Police prose:
“Any tattoo that is considered to be rude, lewd, crude, racist, sexist, homophobic, violent or intimidating will not be accepted."
We know what you’re wondering, but we have it covered. What, you wonder, did Paul have tattooed on his upper arm that landed him in this Korrectnik hell? It’s not what you think. In fact, it’s nothing that could remotely be defined as "rude, lewd, crude, sexist, homophobic, violent or intimidating". It is, since you asked, the image of a black panther. It’s an image that Paul rightfully points out would always be covered by his uniform shirt.
We’re pleased to report that Paul isn’t giving up on his quest. He plans to file an appeal and we wish him well in his quest to become a police community support officer.
Color Him Gone
The personnel department at the Strathclyde Police department (Scotland) landed the department in some hot water after they rejected 8 applicants who had a form of colorblindness that’s found exclusively in men. Encouraged by a "landmark case in England [that] found that a colourblind officer faced indirect sexual discrimination", at least one applicant is gearing up to sue the Strathclyde Police for sexual discrimination.
The success of any lawsuit depends on whether color blindness qualifies as a recognized disability under the prevailing Disability Discrimination Act. The other factor that comes to mind is whether this particular applicant’s problems with differentiating between shades of green makes him unsuitable for police work.
Setting aside all this Nanny State discrimination edict crap, the only meaningful question is this: Does a problem distinguishing between shades of green endanger a police officer in some way. If not, why are the hiring pinheads turning down applicants whom the interviewer called someone who would make "a good constable"?
International News Gems
Source: PIG’s International News Wire [10/12/06]
Brazil
Determined to grab everyone’s attention, a chain of Brazilian dental clinics mounted a billboard campaign that featured past and present will-known world figures and the catchy phrase "A smile can change the world". One of the world figures chosen to grace these billboard is none other than - we’re not making this up - Adolph Hitler. Call us names if you insist, but we had no idea that Hitler’s primary claim to fame was his winning smile.
We’re not the only ones who found Hitler an unlikely choice. Israel’s Ambassador to Brazil, Tzipora Rimon, went postal and demanded that the dental clinics take down the Hitler promos. Since the Hitler mug shot already put them in the Brazilian news cycle, the company promptly complied with Ambassador Rimon’s request and apologized.
India
This epic demonstrates, conclusively why "Holy Cow!" takes on a whole new meaning, in bovine bonkers India. One of the sacred bovines that make Indian cities unrelentingly thrilling decided to test the limits of his sacred immunity by going on a seven hour long rampage through the busiest streets of New Delhi. AP shares these thrilling sacred bovine rampage facts:
‘...The bull ran down roads charging groups of people and scattering crowds in a frenzy that took it through some of the city's busiest streets, markets and the entrance area to the Regal Cinema. It calmed down after several hours, but attempts by police to lasso it from the back of a truck set it of again, The Indian Express newspaper reported. The second run took the bull through the grounds of a YWCA hostel and a prominent temple...’
Eventually, one of India’s ultra rare rational adults came up with an idea. He said that someone should call a veterinarian and suggest that the critter doc bring a tranquilizer gun. That easily, the sacred bovine’s rampage ended. We can’t help but wonder why it took everyone so long to figure out that chasing the damn thing wasn’t working.
Newcastle Upon Tyne (England)
The Elected Tormentors on the Newcastle Upon Tyne went Nanny State bonkers this Fall and trampled on a time-honored Brit playground tradition. It has to do with "Conkers", a Brit term for the horse chestnuts that reach critical mass this time of year. In bygone years, Brit tykes climbed up into the trees to search for the perfect conker for the forthcoming fun. What fun? Pitched, conker throwing battles that take place on Brit schoolyards throughout that fabled realm. It sounds like big time fun, but the Nanny State has issues with this seasonal schoolyard fun.
We know what you’re thinking, but it’s not that. As far as we can tell, the Nanny State Nitwits on the council aren’t especially alarmed about the conker throwing. It’s the tree climbing and conker fetching that has their Nanny State knickers in a knot. A well-written Daily Mail item explains it this way:
It is a traditional autumn pastime that has tested and amused generations of schoolboys. Climbing trees to pick the perfect conker - hard enough to bring glory in playground battles - is a task requiring commitment, good judgement and more than a little courage. But such is the nature of today's 'nanny state' that children are now being denied this pleasure - as council workers are despatched to pick horse chestnuts from the trees themselves.
They do so in the supposed interests of health and safety. Rather than risk children damaging themselves or property by collecting conkers, Newcastle Upon Tyne City Council is responding to residents' requests to get to them first. Taxpayers are funding the operation by the council's environmental services team to use a cherry picker crane to strip trees bare of conkers before children can get their hands on them.
The best response to this lunacy comes from an Tory MEP named Marin Callanan:
"Words fail me. It's the nanny state gone mad. I used to collect conkers as a lad and I never injured myself and nor did any of my friends. Children do get injured climbing trees and it is laudable the council wishes to stop that happening but there must be better things they could do with their time. They could clean the streets for a start. It must be costing a fortune. It's a waste of money and a waste of their limited resources." (Daily Mail)
These Newcastle Upon Tyne Nanny State Nitwits deserve to be horse-whipped for squandering taxpayer money to destroy this annual dose of schoolyard fun. It shouldn’t shock anybody to learn that the council refuses to disclose how much money they’re wasting on their great conker caper.
Globe Trotting
Source: PIG’s International News Wire [10/06/06]
Jolly Old England I
Brit Korrectniks continue their assault on the dedicated police officers who protect and serve the denizens of that fabled isle. This week, in their mindless zeal to micro-manage this important job, Nanny State nitwits are proposing a stinker named "on-the-spot fines". According to a Reuters report this brain-fart would mandate fixed fines for 30 offenses that include: threatening behavior, shoplifting and assaulting an officer. The top fine for these and the other offenses would be 100 pounds. This, the beancounters insist, will "save money" by removing 250,000 cases from the judicial system backlog.
If you think that Brit badge packers are taking this crap with a stiff upper lip, guess again. They’re pissed and I don’t blame them:
"It's absolutely disgusting and beyond belief that a proposal which could see thugs assault a police officer receive a mere 100 pound fine is even being considered by the government. What sort of a message does this send to society?" (Alan Gordon, vice chairman of the Police Federation.)
"It cannot be right that cases of violence are dealt with by police handing out tickets. Magistrates are strongly opposed to serious cases being diverted from court. This is a matter of public confidence. Penalty notices for disorder were brought in to deal with ‘low-level nuisance behavior’. How can you describe violence, threat of violence, theft and obstructing police in this way?" (" The Magistrate’s Association's chairman Cindy Barnett)
Assaulting a cop deserves more than the functional equivalent of a parking ticket, but don’t try and explain that to a Brit bureaucrat.
Jolly Old England II
His name is Israr Khan and he’s a reeking piece of Islamikaze crap. Now the headmaster of his own Islamikaze brainwashing factory - he calls this stinker a school - Israr shouted his way onto the front pages of Brit fishwraps in 1996 during a Christmas concert at a Brit school. Outraged that 40 Muslim tykes were warbling those Cross Dude venerating ditties, Israr went postal:
‘...He leapt from his seat, yelling: "Who is your God? Why are you saying Jesus and Jesus Christ? God is not your God - it is Allah." As children in the audience began booing and clapping, a number of choir members - both white and Asian - walked out, some in tears...’ (Daily Mail)
At the time, Israr was a math teacher in a secular Brit school, a job he eventually shed when he started his Islamikaze brain-washing academy. As fun as all this is, it gets better, because some brain-dead Brit bureaucrat just made this Islamikaze pinhead a Government Schools Inspector in the Ofsted district. Have Brit bureaucrats developed a sense of humor or can they really be this stupid? The answer, we’re sorry to report, is that, "yes, Virginia, they really can be this stupid".
France
Robert Redeker did a header into religion of peace tolerance on September 19th when he published a rant in Le Firgaro about Mecca Mania:
‘...he called the Koran "a book of incredible violence" and Islam's prophet Muhammad "a merciless warlord, a looter, a butcher of Jews and a polygamist." Islam, Mr. Redeker said, "exalts violence and hate."...’ (Reuters)
Faster than a speeding fatwa, Robert was given a Islamikaze bull’s-eye by outraged Mecca Maniacs. Although the Surrender Monkey’s Educrap cabal vowed to watch Robert’s back, Redeker is far from impressed by their antics. Complaining about the way they "abandoned him" to his fate, Robert arranged for private security and a series of safe houses. Leaving nothing to chance, he changes location every two days.
Is Robert delusional, paranoid or both? He’s neither. Included in the threats he received was "a map showing how to get to my home, with pictures of me and where I work and my telephone numbers". Is it just me, or is this fetid "religion of peace" bull crap starting to stink to high heaven?
Spain
It’s called the "Reconquista" and it commemorates the eviction of the Moors (Mecca Maniacs) from Spain by Cross Cultists. This momentous event is celebrated throughout Spain in a variety of spiffy ways, many of them involving an "explosive" sendoff for the Mecca Maniac prophet. Those days, we’re sad to report, may be over, thanks to the Islamikazes and their well know penchant for violence-intensive rampages.
The Spanish village of Bocairent decided to abolish a venerable tradition that involve cramming the head of a dummy depicting Mohammed with fireworks and setting them off. Instead - channeling their more sensitive side - the villagers threw the cardboard and wood dummy of the prophet off the castle wall.
SEPTEMBER 2006
International PIGish News
Source: PIG News Wire [09/29/06] England
A Brit couple, Stewart and Cathryn Bromley, are the poster dolts for stampeding stupidity. Their epic begins in January 2005 when their lead-footed antics were captured for posterity by a strategically placed speed camera. Unwilling to pay the piper for their inability to comply with the posted speed limit, they reset the bar for the lengths that some dolts will go to get out of a speeding ticket. For those amazing details, I’ll let AFP do the heavy lifting:
‘...they claimed the car had been driven by Konstantin Koscov, a former employee of Bromley Associates - where Mr Bromley works - who had returned to his native Bulgaria. Mrs Bromley even flew to Bulgaria to send a postcard pretending to be from Mr Koscov.
It read: "Many thanks for the opportunity to work in your office. "I enjoyed the experience and would gladly return the favor unfortunately my car is nowhere as good as yours, but it will get you about. Many thanks again and look forward to my next trip, Regards, Konstantin Koscov."
Investigating officer Pc Mark Beales contacted Interpol and the British Embassy in Sofia to track down the driver. The couple, of Moss Lane, Broadbottom, admitted making up the story when the man could not be found...’
When the Brit justice system caught up with the couple in October 2005, they nailed them for £9,200 and £1,900 costs at Manchester Crown Court after the couple pled guilty to two counts of perverting the course of justice. This week, the other shoe dropped and it hit Mr. Bromley where he lives. The Royal Institution of Chartered Surveyors of which Mr. Bromley was a member, nailed him for a hefty £9,300 for ‘tending and intending to pervert the course of justice’. They also booted him out of the club. All things considered, I’m betting that Mr. B and his bride wish they had paid the modest £60 speeding fines and got on with their lives.
France
The story broke in some Surrender Monkey fishwrap, but the real source is much more dubious than a French newspaper. When you sift through all the tidbits this "Osama Is Dead" rumor stems from a comment some low ranking Surrender Monkey government flunky heard at a party while chatting with an equally clueless Sandbox government flunky. For those who missed our initial take on it, here’s what we yammered about it on Page One PIG a few days ago:
The rumors are flying, again, that Osama kicked the bucket in Pakistan from a fatal bout with typhoid. According to this report, Sandbox officials are trying to verify it. Big fun. We have some doubts about this report for several reasons. Reason 1: The report comes from France. Reason 2: We’ve been here before and Osama has turned up alive, and looking sorry. Reason 3: This might be a sneaky ploy by the good guys to smoke Osama out of hiding. We’ll believe he’s dead when we see his rotting corpse.
Since the story broke, nobody has produced a rotting in hell Osama, but that’s no big shock. What does surprise us, a tad, is that fact that Osama hasn’t taken the bait and done his taped version of "Neener, neener, neener, you still can’t find me" on A-rab television. Is he or isn’t he? We haven’t got a clue.
Venezuela
The more I hear from Hugo "Skipper" Chavez, the more convinced I am that he’s channeling your kid brother, the one who keeps pestering you, again and again until you break down and smack the brat. After his "W is the Devil" rant at the U.N., Skipper continued his yammering in the Big Apple, before returning home. With nothing better to do, Skipper kept reaching for that brass ring of his alleged diplomacy: a richly deserved thrashing by an exasperated Uncle Sam.
After accusing the NYPD of causing an "electronic interruption" that spoiled his "W still sucks" rant in Harlem, Skipper channeled his inner cockroach and scurried back to the relative safety of his homeland. Once there, he continued his attempts to elicit a reaction from an overly patient Uncle Sam by decreeing W’s a presidency a "failure":
"He should renounce the presidency if he has any dignity. The president of the United States has failed completely."
Just warming up, Skipper begged for ‘it’ with his relentless blithering:
"(Bush) considers himself a god. And that is a terrible manipulation, since this is obeying interests that are against God. And since he considers himself like God, when you call him the devil, it is just to strike a balance."
"Some worried friends over there have called me (to say) that because I called him the devil they have condemned me to death. But they won't kill me. I have faith in life. I know how to take care of myself and the Lord will protect me and you all will protect me."
PIG suspects that this pompous jackass is bummed because Uncle Sam hasn’t administered the requisite bitch-slapping. You’re not that important Hugo, so take your medication and wash it down with a generous dose of "Shut the ‘F’ up!"
PIG-Worthy International News
Source: PIG News Wire [09/18/06]
Indonesia
His name is Abu Bakar Bashir and his Jihadikaze credentials are impressive. In addition to being a firebrand Indonesian cleric who ‘inspires’ his followers to murderous Jihadikaze atrocities, Bashir served time for his role in the 2002 Bali bombing that killed so many Aussie tourists. When pressed on what’s the biggest threat to Indonesia’s denizens, Bashir spouted this "can’t we all get along" religion of peace prose:
"If one is asked which one is more dangerous, naked women or the Bali bomb, the answer is certainly the women with such revealing clothing."
If you’re envisioning an Indonesia overflowing with nude or mostly nude ethnic hotties get over it. This religion of peace icon is talking about scantily clad women on Indonesia’s boob tube outlets. If you’re ready to hound your cable provider for more Indonesian boob tube channels, take a chill pill and remember that this fanatic has a very twisted standard when it comes to indecency. For Bashir, the familiar habit worn by Sister Mary Sit Down and Shut Up is much too revealing.
‘Bashir warns that watching such women on television can destroy the faith of a believer. He says he is perplexed as to why the country's TV channels are airing programs with women wearing barely-there outfits "and not programs that are blessed by Allah, such as the activities of prayer groups."...’ (AFP)
According to AFP, Indonesian boob tube shows ‘do feature some women wearing revealing outfits’, but nude or semi nude hotties are strictly forbidden. You’ll probably see a lot more booty on a ‘Girls Gone Wild’ infomercial.
If Indonesia still has any rational adults they must be thrilled that Bashir - a dude who played a key role in the bombing that killed 202 people - is back on the streets and ready to inflict more murder and mayhem in the name of the religion of peace.
England
The Bishop of Bolton, the Rt. Rev. David Gillett has way too much time on his hands and he seems to be spending all of it in the "demons are everywhere" postal code of the Twilight Zone. Our pal Davie is getting an early start on the annual "Halloween turn our children into devil worshipers" tantrum with a letter to Brit retailers urging them to stock Davie-blessed Halloween regalia such as bright balloons and hair braids.
"I am worried that Halloween has the potential to trivialize the realities of evil in the world and occult practices should not be condoned, even if they are only being presented in a caricatured light-hearted form."
Davie is distressed because, as the Manchester Evening News puts it, 'businesses are creating a climate of fear for children at Halloween'. Davie points the finger at Uncle Sam because America is poisoning Britain with its darker than dark antics on Halloween. Bellowing loudly that he's not a killjoy, Davie insists that he wants Brit tykes to have fun on Halloween. Not a killjoy? It's time to increase the voltage because the shock treatments aren't working Davie boy.
Columbia
Panties are in a wad in this South American nation thanks to a telenovela (a soap opera, more or less) called "Sin Teta no hay Paraiso" (Without Breasts There’s No Paradise). This storyline couldn’t be more classically Columbian, and that’s the reason for all the hand-wringing. In a nutshell, this boob tube fare is the story about a 17-year-old call girl who ‘agonizes that her flat chest is a barrier to deliverance from poverty and a life of ease as a drug trafficker’s pampered plaything’. As uplifting as it all sounds - to us - it’s not a thrill a minute for certain humor challenged Columbians.
‘...On August 30, residents in the western city of Pereira where the show is based and partly filmed, took to the streets to protest being singled out as a haven for drug traffickers, the flesh trade and hit-men (sicarios) on motorbikes...’ (S.F. Chronicle)
When you boil it all down, these protesters whine: "half the towns in Columbia suck just as much, for the same reasons". The actress who plays the lead character in this telenovela, Maria Puerta, has a very healthy attitude about herself and life in general:
"It’s overwhelming in Columbia, the pressure on women to have a voluptuous, artificially perfect body. But it’s the diversity of shapes and sizes that is the most delicious part of our existence."
"I’m very happy with my body the way it is. Self-esteem has nothing to do with having a big pair of breasts."
"Happiness only comes from studying and working hard for everything you achieve." (Chronicle)
Truer words, PIGster...Truer words...
Mind Blowing Brit Korrectness
Source: Evening Standard [09/16/06]
According to a gem called "draft police misconduct procedure" that's in the Brit Home Office's bureaucratic mill, police chases that endanger the officer, the public, or most important to the Home Office, the criminal might get a cop fired. The Evening Standard put it this way:
'...Police officers who launch chases over roofs, railway lines and busy roads could be sacked for putting the health and safety of criminals at risk...'
This red carpet for Brit desperados would, when enacted, make cops reluctant - in the extreme - to take after a crook who decides to run for it. The pertinent question raised by one cop is a good one. What if the crook jumps into a river that is flowing faster than it appears? If the perp gets himself drowned will the cop chasing him be fired or brought up on charges?
"This is madness. It will leave officers with two minds when the are embarking on a potentially dangerous job. The last thing officers need is to be worrying about their job when they are on the front line tackling potentially violent criminals."
This isn't the first time Brit bureaucrats put handcuffs on the men and women protecting the home front. In June, a citizen found out that officers weren't allowed to chase after the thief who stole his moped because, if the thief got injured, the crook could sue the police force. Last year, the Immigration Service ordered its officials not to chase suspected illegal immigrants.
Thanks to this steaming load of Brit correctness, the safest profession in the U.K. is desperado.
Additional Info: A PIGster named Bryan sent us this head’s-up after we posted this epic on Friday’s Golden Oinks page:
If you want more of the Paul-Harvey-rest-of-the-story, ask an NRA member to find past articles on recent stories on Great Britian for you. NRA members will not be surprised at this latest tid bit. Once the foundation of much Western & American civil law (I leave this research as an exercise for the PIG student), Great Britian has, in the last 20 years or so, gone so far over to the "dark side" of liberal left, that all citizens have been stripped of their basic rights, including the American style Second Amendment one of lawful possession of weaponry (guns AND knives) for self-defense. Yes, PIGsters, it is now illeagal to own or possess a gun OR knife (how do chefs & surgeons do their work?) within the once Great now nanny state of Britian and Scotland. A British farmer was tried, sentenced & jailed for murder when he defended his home against burglers that had broken into & robbed his home - more then once! A British "citizen" (serf) can not put up bars on his windows or barbed wire around his home because it might hurt the tender emotions of these wayward lads of crime.
BAH!! Put 'em up against the wall (any wall) & shoot them. Save the state time & money on a trial & prison. And it just might reduce crime two ways - reduces the number of criminals already out there (BANG!), and make a wanna-be think twice before he starts down that path.
PIG’s Globe Trotting News Roundup
Source: PIG News Wire [09/14/06]
Sandbox (Saudi Arabia)
The Sandbox’s religious Gestapo - the Muttawa - reached for the infidel plot brass ring this week when they perpetrated a ban on selling pets - especially dogs and cats - in parts of the Kingdom. Apparently, hounding shop keepers for selling "western" wares, brow beating women whose head to toe moo-moo doesn’t hide the fact that they’re female and keeping hormone saturated young people from getting together isn’t keeping them busy enough. Now, they want to ban Sandbox denizens from going out in public with Fido or Fluffy. Big, big fun.
The Fido ban didn’t raise that many eyebrows, but the cat ban seems to do a header into certain well-documented facts about the Mecca Maniac founder, Muhammad, who ‘loved cats - and even let a cat drink from his ablutions water before washing himself for prayers’ (AP).
‘...The inclusion of cats in the Saudi ban puzzled many, since there's no scorn for them as there is for dogs in Islamic tradition. One of the prophet's closest companions was given the name Abu Huraira, Arabic for "the father of the kitten," because he always carried a kitten and took care of it. A number of hadiths — traditional stories of the prophet — show Muhammad encouraging people to treat cats well...Another time, Muhammad said a woman who kept a cat locked up without feeding it would go to hell...’ (AP)
Undaunted, pet phobic pinheads like Aleetha al-Jihani defend this edict with this thrilling prose: "One bad habit spreading among our youths is the acquisition of dogs and showing them off in the streets and malls. There's no doubt that such a matter makes one shudder. Then what's the point of dragging a dog behind you? This is blind emulation of the infidels." Fluffy and Fido are an infidel plot? It sounds to us like somebody went off his medication, again.
Somalia
The egregiously tolerant Mecca Maniacs who seized control of this war-torn country by brute force are up to their usual tricks again. Channeling their notorious "fondness" of inalienable liberty, these militant Mecca Maniac meatheads shut down a local radio station:
‘...The group closed Radio Jowhar because the programs were un-Islamic, Islamic official Sheik Mohamed Mohamoud Abdirahman said. It was the only radio station in Jowhar, some 55 miles from Mogadishu. "It is useless to air music and love songs for the people,'' Abdirahman said. Said Hagaa Ahmed, Radio Jowhar's director, confirmed the station had been closed but declined further comment...’ (Reuters)
If you’re smelling an African Taliban in the making join the club. How many more times must this tragic history repeat itself before every-damn-body finally gets the message: Mecca Mania and individual liberty are explosively incompatible.
England
Painfully aware of the din caused when well-oiled adult beverage enthusiasts exit a pub after an evening of elbow-bending, the Tayside Police (England) hit upon an award winning dumb idea. Borrowing a page from a tactic used in Manchester, the cops purchased a boatload of lollipops and handed them out to pub owners in Montrose. If all goes according to plan, the drunks exiting the pub will be given one of the lollipops. If it works the way it did in Manchester, the drunks will be too busy sucking on that lollipop to start shouting, singing and generally waking up the dead with their noise. The usual suspects doubt that this will work, but are willing to give it a try. PIG thinks that issuing stun guns to rational adults would be more effective but they might as well give this lollipop scam a try, first.
Nigeria
Did you know that the polio vaccine that the World Health Organization is administering to African tykes is a dastardly western plot to sterilize African girls? Neither did I, but that’s the hot rumor that’s making mothers in Nigeria do everything then can to stop the WHO from vaccinating their daughters.
"Allah used Muslim scientists to expose the western plot of using polio vaccines to reduce our population." (Ramatu Garba)
In Kenya the rap against the polio vaccine is even better: it’s a tool for devil worship. Big, big fun and damned expensive for WHO which shelled out a hefty $200 million in dead presidents to counteract these rumors.
England
A Gulf War hero named Ivan Ivanovic did a header into Brit korrectness when he tried to land a job on the local police force. His crime? He was black-flagged from signing up because he has "a lewd, offensive" tattoo and that’s a no-no according to the intellectual flatliners who infest the Home Office.
We know what you’re thinking and you’re wrong again, mind in the gutter Sparky. Ivan’s "racist" tattoo is a two inch design below his left shoulder, a location that will never be bared in his cops uniform. As fun as that is, it gets better, because the tattoo that elicited all this Korrectness on steroids angst is a Union Jack and the words "British Army". That’s right, PIGsters, Brit Korrectniks consider their flag a "racist" symbol.
The World According to Mahmoud
Source: PIG News Wire [09/08/06]
Iran’s Presidential wingnut, Mahmoud Ahmadinjad shared more of his inspirational wisdom with an eager public this week. As usual, it’s a thrill a minute. Mahmoud started by painting an Islamikaze bull’s-eye on the "liberal and secular" teachers who infest Iran’s institutions of (alleged) higher learning. They’ve got to be purged, Mahmoud insists, and the sooner the better. Although, as fearless leader of the country’s Council of Cultural Revolution, Mahmoud has the proper authority to get the job done through a presidential edict, he decided to delegate this scheme, instead. He ordered Islamikaze college students to retake control of their university:
‘..."Today, students should shout at the president and ask why liberal and secular university lecturers are present in the universities," the official Islamic Republic News Agency quoted Ahmadinejad as saying during a meeting with a group of students. Ahmadinejad complained that reforms in the country's universities were difficult to accomplish and that the educational system had been affected by secularism for the last 150 years. But, he added: "Such a change has begun."...’ (AP)
Iran began 2006 by purging - uh, retiring - dozens of liberal professors and teachers. This latest move seems like the next step in a well-orchestrated campaign. Don’t forget that Mahoud began his meteoric rise to power as a "student", a Jihadikaze thug by any other name, during those heady days of the Iranian revolution when he and his pals took American diplomats hostage.
PIGish World News
Source: PIG News Wire [09/07/06]
England
Manchester City, a Premier League soccer club, had their plan worked out down to the last detail. The goal - finding a way to attract more young fans - was clearly defined. The method - setting up a Website that would offer the young fans a chat room to discuss the team, a chance to meet the players and other online goodies - seemed ideal for their target audience. There was just one pesky issue that slipped through the cracks. The official domain - www.live4city.co.uk - was a keystroke or two from a similarly named Yank site dedicated to sex and dating. We know what you’re thinking horndog Sparky, but don’t bother. Manchester City already purchased the booty-related site and shut it down to keep those eager Brit soccer fans from boldly going where mum and dad don’t want them venturing, yet.
Iraq
There are, believe it or not, some people who long for the bad old days when Saddam was running this Middle Eastern barrel of laughs. This week, 300 Iraqi tribal leaders "demanded the release of Saddam Hussein so he could reclaim the presidency". The same "screw getting along" crowd sounded the call for "armed resistance against U.S.-led coalition forces" (Washington Post). It’s far from shocking that these nostalgic leaders are, primarily, Sunni Arabs, the group that formed Saddam’s core support during his bloody reign.
For those who insist on such trivia, here’s the money quote as presented by a positively giddy Washington Post:
‘..."If the demand is not carried out, we will lead a general, sweeping and popular uprising," said Sheik Wassfy al-Assy, brother of the chief of the Obeidi tribe, which hosted the meeting of the clan leaders on Monday in Ramal, a village 55 miles southwest of Kirkuk. "As for whether [Saddam] will be reinstated in his post as president after his release, that will be up to him."...’
Is Iraq heading for a bloody, three-way civil war between the Kurds, Sunnis and Shites? It’s too soon to tell, but it damn sure looks that way.
Russia
PIG is amazed and amused by an innovative crime spree that was perpetrated by some visionary Ruskie desperados. The caper started when three Ruskie hotties attracted the attention of passing motorists by stripping down to the buff on a ‘man-made Balashikh beach on the Moscow River’. When the passing motorists, many of them deep-pocketed capitalist "exploiters" driving BMWs and Mercedes, got out of their rides to take a closer look, the caper hit high gear.
According to an Ananova piece, car thieves made off with "dozens of luxury cars" while the horndog watched the three hotties. Once the rides were carted off, the thieves collected the naked hotties and escaped into the Moscow streets. Normally we’d be beating our chests and spouting the usual law and order mantra, but we’re, admittedly, torn in this case. It’s damn near impossible to muster proper moral outrage when you’re laughing like a mental patient.
Pakistan
Pakistani panties are in a morally outraged wad this week, after a Pakistani hottie named Mariyah Moten took part in a "Miss Bikini" pageant held in China. In addition to venting their moral outrage, Pakistani officials are wondering why Miss Moten was allowed to represent Pakistan in the first place. Granted, she was born and raised in Karachi, but she moved to the USA at the tender age of 8. The hottie is - gasp - an American now, so why did China allow her to compete on behalf of Pakistan?
With nothing better to do, the Pakistani government ordered their embassies in Washington and Beijing to get to the bottom of this blight on Pakistani womanhood. Determined to punish this hottie, the Pakistani pinheads might hammer the hottie by yanking ‘special privileges offered to people of Pakistani descent such as visa-free travel in Pakistan’. PIG is pleased to learn that this pissant Islamikaze country has resolved all its "red carpet for resident terrorist" issues and has time for this drivel.
AUGUST 2006
International PIG-Worthy News
Source: PIG News Wire [08/31/06] Wellington (New Zealand)
A Kiwi capitalist, John Frew, director of the Erox Lifestyle Centre, devised a spiffy way to deal with the sticky-fingered twerps who shoplift items from his sex store’s shelves. John calls his shoplifting solution "name and shame", and so far it seems to be working. A prime example of his tactic is the dude who recently walked into this store, pocketed a penis pump then walked out of the store without paying for it. Making a photo from the store’s security tape, John posted the man’s picture in the store’s front window along with the sign "When will he pay for the penis pump he stole?"
In addition to his store window, John also posts photos of shoplifters on the company’s website. Is this "name and shame" tactic working? Hell yes. John reports that, since he started "name and shame" several individuals have come back to the store to pay for stolen items. Although some Kiwi shysters mutter darkly about John running a risk of a defamation suit, other law wranglers opine that a correctly identified shoplifter is "fair game". PIG likes the sound of "name and shame" and salutes John Frew for his ingenuity.
Oxfordshire (England)
A graybar dwelling Brit miscreant is the leading contender for whiner of the week. Why? He’s suing the Brit Prison Service for a mishap that occurred during his ongoing guest stint in the Oxforshire jail. We know what you’re thinking but it’s nothing that salacious. This cretin is suing because - we are not making this up - he fell out of his upper bunk and gave himself a boo-boo. The BBC piece called it "a bad gash". Poor baby! If that’s as bad as it gets, he needs to shut his yap and get over it. Since he’s got nothing better to do, this whiner might want to grow a pair.
Tel Aviv (Israel)
Israel’s answer to Jimmy Carter - Prime Minister Ehud "Spineless Gasbag" Olmert - continues to bob and weave in his frantic efforts to elude responsibility for the debacle he perpetrated in Lebanon. When the Israel public - and his political rivals - demanded an official state investigation into the Lebanon disaster, Olmert shot the idea down. Claiming such an investigation would paralyze his government, Ehud "Just Call me Jimmy" Olmert rejected the idea, choosing instead to go for a political whitewash with an "internal" investigation that will be conducted by his hand-picked toadies.
We’re depressed to report that it looks like Israel’s fate is sealed, thanks to this gutless fool whose political survival seems assured. If Israeli voters don’t find a way to dump this clown, they have only themselves to blame when their Jihadikaze enemies rearm and sweep Israel off the map.
Mumbai (India)
We have an update on our story about that Indian eatery that thrilled everyone spitless with its Hitler-themed motif. In our last report, we told you that the eatery’s owners were caving in to unrelenting pressure and changing their name. This week, we’re able to give you the next chapter in this on-going saga. After due deliberation, the restaurant has changed its name to "The Cross Café". In addition to a new name, the owners will expunge all Nazi symbols from ads, billboards, menu and decor.
Does this latest move bring the curtain down on this epic? It should, but don’t bet the sacred bovine on it.
Over There - PIG-Worthy International News
Source: PIG News Wire [08/19/06]
Nepal
Painfully aware that this year’s monsoon season isn’t generating enough rainfall to give their crops a badly needed drink, some Nepali women are going the extra mile. Determined to get the rain god’s undivided attention, at least 50 women from two villages in the Kapilvastu district shed all their clothes and plowed their fields starkers.
At press time, spokesdolts for the relevant rain gods weren’t taking PIG New’s calls.
India I
Those too fun for words Islamic clerics uncorked a gem, this time. After a differently-sober Mecca Maniac dude laid that "instant divorce" scam on his devoted bride, the couple wanted to forgive and forget the whole thing. The aforementioned clerics shot the idea down, but did offer the devoted, newly divorced, bride a way to make things right:
‘...Under the rules, the woman, who is a mother of three, must marry another man and obtain a divorce from him before she can be reunited with Ershad, the clerics in the local mosque said. The clerics have said the man the woman marries temporarily must be 70 years of age...’ (Reuters)
This isn’t the first time a hubby strayed into instant divorce accidentally. Earlier this year, different Islamic clerics decreed that a couple must separate, because the hubby muttered the magic instant divorce word "talaq" three times while he was sleeping. PIG is pleased to report that, in that instance, the couple ignored the clerics’ orders and continue to live together in wedded bliss.
India II
Food wrangling capitalists in Mumbai decided that opening a Nazi-themed eatery named - we’re not making this up - "Hitler’s Cross" is an idea whose time has come. The fun starts before diners get to the eatery, thanks to the swastika-laden posters that guide them to the place. More fun ensues at the restaurant’s entrance where a "stern-looking" Hitler greets diners. Big, big fun.
The idea, according to the restaurant’s owners, is to give the place a name that will stick in everyone’s head. On that score, they achieved their goal, big damn time. It remains to be seen if hungry individuals will ignore the Nazi decor while dining on the eatery’s continental cuisine. Despite howls of outrage from India’s small, but vocal, Jewish population, the eatery’s owner, Pnit Shablok, is planning to open more "Hitler’s Cross" eateries elsewhere in Mumbai.
Update: The thunderous outrage that hit the owners like a tidal wave, persuaded them to seek another, less controversial name for their eatery. The new name will not, they assure the usual suspects, contain the "H" word (Hitler).
England
A Brit media cabal that imposes unrelenting Korrectness - Ofcom - sprang into action after a hypersensitive viewer complained about certain venerable episodes of ‘Tom and Jerry’ that "glamorized smoking". Shocked, shocked, I tell you, Ofcom went whining to Ted Turner - yes that Ted Turner - the clown who, unfortunately, owns the Brit boob tube outlet on which the toons were shown. Turner responded by decreeing that his minions search more than 1,500 Hanna Barbera toons and expunge any smoking scenes they encounter.
"We are going through the entire catalogue. This is a voluntary step we've taken in light of the changing times." (A Turner Europe spokeswench.)
"The licensee has ... proposed editing any scenes or references in the series where smoking appeared to be condoned, acceptable, glamorised or where it might encourage imitation." (Ofcom official statement).
What’s next on the toon cleansing menu? Will PETA insist that Dino and all the other critters "exploited" in the "Flintstones" be expunged? Will the pinheads who whine about "violence" giving tykes bad ideas banish "Roadrunner" cartoons in their entirety? If a spineless rat bastard like Ted "Korrectness on Steroids" Turner is making the call, the answer to both is a resounding "hell yes".
Denmark
His name is Fadi Abdel Latif and he’s described as ‘the spokesman for the Danish branch of radical Muslim organization Hizb-ut-Tahir’ (Copenhagen Post). Your basic fun guy, Fadi was convicted, unanimously, by a panel of Danish judges of threatening the life of PM Aders Fogh Rasmussen and firing up local Jihadikazes to kill Jews.
‘...[Fadi distributed] fliers in 2004 urging Mulsims to 'kill their leaders' if they prevented them from helping their 'brothers' fighting in Fallujah. He was also convicted for threatening the lives of Jews by calling on Muslims to 'kill them all, wherever you find them'...’ (Post)
Fadi insists that his conviction is strictly "political" and that the fliers were egregiously misunderstood. Yeah, right, dude, as if anyone with a functioning synapse will believe that.
Pakistan
Pakistani police narrowly averted disaster after a Pakistani Hindu stole a locomotive in Karachi. An expert locomotive driver, Madan Lai’s master plan involved driving his stolen engine at high speed down the tracks until he crashed it into an oncoming passenger train. His plan was foiled, thanks to quick thinking by Pakistani police, when they derailed the stolen engine some 30 km from marshaling yard where our suicidal hero stole it.
Police report that they don’t know why Madan was determined to go out in this blaze of glory so they simply stated the obvious: he’s bonkers. That works for me, but I’m willing to consider other explanations if/when they arise.
A PIGish Trip Around the Globe
Source: PIG News Wire [08/17/06]
Italy
Needing added ‘revenue’ to pay for the wear and tear caused by tourists visiting their waterlogged Italian city, the hacks running Venice are considering - we’re not making this up - charging tourists an admission charge. Venice mayor, Massimo Cacciari thinks this "pay for play" notion is an idea whose time has come. Big, big fun.
"The great tourist centres have the problem of sustaining the costs of maintenance and conservation caused by the massive presence of guests," Mr Cacciari told Panorama, a news weekly. With nearly 50,000 tourists pouring through the city every day, he added: "People who use the city's services and make it dirty... Venice is in difficulties. If a subsidy from the state is out of the question, we will be obliged to think of a new entrance tax or something of the sort." (Independent)
Believe it or not, Venice isn’t exactly breaking new tax revenue ground with this admission charge scheme. Beginning next year, Milan (Italy) will nail all cars entering the city with a "pollution charge". Bolognia already charges vehicles entering the city 5 Euros a day. A tourist attraction, the Aeolian Islands off Sicily, wants to reduce the tourist load, so they’ll start charging visitors to the islands 5 Euros each. It’s a slam dunk that Venice will follow these trend setters. The only matter under discussion is how much to charge. The two numbers being floated are 50 Euros and 10 Euros per visitor. Not exactly a king’s ransom, but more than a pittance.
PIGish thoughts:
I wonder how our esteemed publisher, Porcus, would feel about setting up a toll booth at the entrance to PIG’s top secret compound? Hmmm. Food for thought.
Speaking of taxing the richly deserving, PIG dares to suggest that America’s rational adults make our elected tormentors pay for every minute they waste bloviating on the "public" airwaves. Borrowing a page from the Nanny State’s graduated income tax, the fee assessed would depend on which hack is bloviating. For someone damn near sane, like Tom Tancredo, the fee would be mere pennies per minute. But, for Teddy "The Swimmer" the fee would be, to say the least, "impressive". All the fees collected would be used to fund a mega kegger for America’s beleaguered sovereign individuals. Bold new concept.
China
The paragons of individual liberty who run China are up to their usual tricks again. Unwilling to let "those damn foreigners" dominate China's entertainment media they are cracking down on various entertainment genres to give home grown, Chinese purveyors a government-enforced monopoly in their particular field.
This week the Chinese government banished foreign cartoons from Chinese boob tube outlets from 5 to 8 p.m. This, they insist, will give China's animation wranglers a chance to compete without competition from Homer Simpson, Pokeman and Mickey Mouse, plus a boatload of Japanese cartoons. The primary problem with Chinese cartoons is the pesky little fact that they are boring and utterly lacking imagination.
Earlier this year, Chinese regulators banned programs that mix live action with animation - "Blues Clues" and "Teletubbies" for example. Boob tube outlets have been ordered to limit foreign programming, cut back on scary movies, stop using English words on the air and have their on screen talent dress more conservatively. The same spirit of "liberty" made landfall in the publishing industry when Chinese regulators stopped granting licenses for foreign magazines, an edict that deep-sixed a Chinese edition of "Rolling Stone" after one meager issue hit the streets.
For all their chest beating about "capitalism" and free markets, China's political punks are still up to their same, stale, liberty-zapping tricks.
Manchester (England)
The caper started when a Brit scumbag named Maraizu Anyanwu mugged a local businesswoman. As luck would have it, an off-duty cop witnessed the crime and gave chase. Maraizu tried to distract his nemesis by throwing items from the stolen bag, including some £10 notes. Finally, Maraizu hailed a cab, but the driver stopped when the off duty cop identified himself. Maraizu jumped out of the taxi and took off, ditching the bag of money into the Rohdale Canal.
The next day, Maraizu‛s mortal remains were found in the canal. He achieved room temperature when the icy water got the better of him, while he searched for the discarded loot. The ultimate irony is this: the cops already retrieved the loot from the canal hours before this clown returned to meet his well-deserved fate. Book ‛em, Dano is trumped by "bury him, Dano". So be it.
Northumbria (England)
"All council staff have attended equality and diversity courses. The general principle and rule of thumb is that all staff are trained to treat people with dignity and respect and not to use colloquialisms that some may find offensive." (Newcastle City Council spokesdolt)
The pinheads on the Newcastle City Council stirred up a hornets nest of protest when they dropped a steaming load of language police Korrectness on Geordie workers. The dastardly words destined for extermination include: pet, hinny, love, darling and sweetheart. "Pet"? We’re shocked, shocked I tell you, that such terminology was ever allowed in polite society. Fear not, PIGsters, the chronically offended will be safeguarded from these and other terms, as soon as the city’s staff completes their mandatory "equality and diversity courses".
You’re probably wondering what Newcastle’s rational adults think of this steaming pile of political correctness. As usual, we have it covered.
"There are traditional North east terms of affection, I can't believe anyone would be offended by them. Surely the council has more important things to worry about than its staff using friendly terms like "pet." (Tory Euro MP Martin Callanan)
"They are just common words that everyone around here uses all the time. "It's stupid because what are you supposed to say, we'll have to start calling people Miss and Sir...I don't know how anyone could be offended by the words, I certainly have never offended anyone with them." (Liam Flaharty, a council paver)
"This political correctness is getting ridiculous. You always get directives coming through but I won't be talking to people any different until I am told to do otherwise...Words like hinny and pet are just friendly words there's nothing offensive about them." (Gary Burns, a council gardener)
"I am horrified that these words, which are part of the native language of people living in Northumbria, are to be banned. I have travelled throughout Britain and have been called many things in my time by shopkeepers, people in the street and each and every place has its own dialect words. It is just part of the way ordinary people speak."
"People who use these words - hinny, which is a term of endearment whose origin is lost in time - are speaking what is to them the first language of many people from this part of the world. It is part of our heritage. People have been speaking Northumbrian in this part of the world for 1,400 years uninterrupted. "Standard English is a newcomer comparatively. It is from the times of Chaucer, about 650 years ago. (Peter Arnold, Chairman of the Northumbrian Language Society)
Will this linguistic history cut any ice with the Korrectniks running Newcastle? Probably not. PIG strongly advises the rational adults living in Newcastle to band together and do what’s necessary: THROW THE BUMS OUT!
World News Roundup
Source: PIG News Wire [08/11/06]
India I
Armed with an alarmist report from a non-government cabal named Center for Science and Environment, India's highest court painted a bull's-eye on Coke and Pepsi. Flailing their arms and blithering about the (alleged) levels of pesticides contained in the refreshments perpetrated by the two soft drink giants, the court demanded that the companies reveal their most carefully guarded secrets:
'...The Supreme Court ordered the US soft drinks maker, along with its rival PepsiCo, to supply details of the chemical composition and ingredients of their products after a study released this week claimed that they contained unacceptable levels of insecticides. Justice S. B. Sinha and Justice Dalveer Bhandari directed the companies to file their replies within four weeks, the Press Trust of India reported...' (Times of London)
The soft drink giants have 4 weeks to comply or face the very real prospect of having their beverages banned in the dothead homeland. Big, big fun.
Don't hold your breath waiting for either company to jump through this judicially-mandated hoop. According to the Times article, 'Coca-Cola’s original recipe, according to company policy, is kept in a bank vault in Atlanta where only two executives — banned from traveling on the same aircraft — know how to acces it.' Coke's suits have kept this secret for 120 years, I don't see them parting with it now, because some judges in India started making demands. On the other hand, Coke's suits might be eager to hand over the formula to a beverage that is, in every possible way, "The Titanic of Soft Drinks". I'm referring, of course to that resounding failure: The New Coke. That formula is, we suspect, available for the asking.
India II
A bill working its way through the Indian parliament takes dead aim at the "men are men and you're not" mind set that makes rape trials such an ordeal for rape victims. Already approved at a cabinet meeting, the new law would mandate that, henceforth, only female judges will adjudicate rape trials. Another element of the bill would allow the rape victim to have her lawyer with her during her cross-examination. According to a Reuters story, rape victims will be given a female lawyer "because only a woman can understand a woman". Apparently, justice isn't exactly gender-neutral in the dothead heartland. Learn something new every day.
India III
The true believers at World Net Daily are in a lather over a ruling handed down by India's supreme court. In essence, it green lights India's cops to arrest and/or detain anyone who is proselytizing to dot heads about Cross Cultism. Big, big fun. The question is, does this ruling really do what WND's angst-filled scribblers say? The best answer we can give is "apparently".
The case in question involves a Cross Cultist named Pastor Paulrai Raju. When he tried to "share the good news" with some Hindu's a Hindu mob beat the snot out of him, then the cops arrested him for "trying to convert Hindus to Christianity". Eventually, the case matriculated up the dot head court system and landed in the supreme court.
'The previous practice that protected religious leaders in their speech was found in the Criminal Procedure Code, which says, "no court shall take cognizance" of a complaint about proselytizing unless there was government approval for the arrest.
But the new court ruling from Justices G.P. Mathur and Dalveer Bhandari said the only requirement for an arrest on those charges is a complaint, relieving police of that "authorization" requirement that was set for the courts...' (WND)
The bad news is that India's cops can bust you for trying to make Hindus see the light. The good news is that the "prior sanction" requirement is still required before an Indian court can proceed with a case.
England
Determined to spruce up the city's center, Manchester (England) officials decided to plant some tress along certain main thoroughfares. When the project is done, at least 150 trees will be added to beautify the city. Determined to make the view thrilling day or night, the city fitted the trees with solar-powered lights to enhance the view at night. So far, so good, but there's just one pesky problem. The solar powered lights need to be replaced because Manchester doesn't get enough sunlight to keep the lights properly charged.
Project manager Pet Stringer explained the situation this way:
"These field trials have so far revealed that light levels during winter and much of spring and autumn are insufficient to provide the power required to activate the lights. We are currently in the process of replacing the batteries, at a charge of £165, which were installed during the back end of last year when light levels were insufficient to maintain an operating charge..." (Manchester Evening News)
That sound you hear emanating from the sky above Manchester is Mother Nature's laugher. We can't be the first ones to notice that her sense of humor needs work.
International News In Brief
Source: PIG News Wire [08/04/06]
Canada
When the pinheads on the board that runs his condominium black flagged his satellite dish, a Halifax denizen named Ahmed Assal went running to the Nova Scotia Human Rights Commission. That's right, he's claiming that banning his satellite dish is religious and ethnic discrimination. His whine goes something like this: "I need that satellite dish to get Arabic language, Muslim and various other programming that is an essential part of my Mecca Mania. They discriminated against me by ordering me to remove my satellite dish.". For now, Ahmed still has his beloved satellite dish attached to a tree in his backyard.
Does his whine have a snowball's chance in hell? Probably, because this is Canada and you gotta know what that means by now.
Mexico
The venerable "I'm the man and you're not" mantra that ruled Mexican marriages for 147 years is - if an AP story is to be believed, starting to change. A prime example is the marriage vows used at "hubby here's thy ball and chain" ceremonies. Written 147 years ago by a Mexican shyster named Melchor Ocampo, the traditional Sombrero Stomper vows are a thrill a minute for the prospective bride:
'...[Ocampa's vows] dictate that a husband should treat his wife with "generous benevolence that the strong should give to the weak" and that a wife should "avoid awakening the most brusque, irritable and hard part of (her husband's) character." Vianey Lozano, a Mexico City government employee who tied the knot three years ago in Guanajuato, said the language reflects a machismo that Mexico has left behind...' (AP)
Slowly, those times are changing, especially in Nuevo Leon (a state in Northern Mexico) were 'judges tell the bride and groom that while men and women are "different biologically and psychologically, both possess integrity, dignity, strength and intellectual capacity. And neither should consider themselves superior than the other"...' (AP). Will Mexican men surrender without a fight? Probably not, so stay tuned for more big time fun.
Spiffy Historical Fact:
When Melchor penned his revised vows, he was riding the crest of a cultural tidal wave that saw liberals trying to wrest Mexico from the clutches of the Rosary True Believer cabal that dominated the country's politics and culture. As a reward for his contribution to this struggle, Malchor was executed by a firing squad for promoting a separation of church and state.
The Netherlands
From our "eat your hearts out Kansas" desk, we bring you this epic about supernaturalism-saturated educrap. A strict to the nth degree Protestant cess-school in the Netherlands black flagged an aspiring inmate because - we're not making this up - his "blasphemous" family has - gasp - a television and an Internet connection. If that's not enough to set off those "minions of Satan" alarms, there's the issue of the lad's sister. If you're thinking she's a porn hottie, a stripper or a hooker, get your mind out of the gutter. The sister's unpardonable sin is - you might want to chase the kiddies from the room - she wears trousers. We're shocked, shocked, I tell you. The final reason for the lad's rejection is his parents' quaint notions about "parent and student participation" when it comes to running the school.
India
When is a meteor shower more than hot rocks falling from the sky? When it happens in certain terminally rustic regions of India. After Monday's meteor shower, denizens of Gujiarat state's Kutch region scurried forth to hunt down those heavenly rocks. Some think the meteorites are rocks that Rama used to build a bridge to rescue his kidnaped wife, while others are convinced that the meteorites have magical powers. Apparently there aren't any rational adults in the area to tell, whomever, that they're just rocks, period. We suspect that such a dose of objective reality would fall on deaf ears anyway.
Leaving no "stone" unturned, I'd like to offer these rock loving rustics a chance to buy a great big one. It's called Mt. Everest, but I'm willing to part with it, for the right price.
England
The badge packers in The West Midlands Police cabal are painting a bull's-eye on that Brit blight's most infamous criminals: children who play hopscotch. During an era when everyone is caterwauling about kids getting too fat, these cops are staging hopscotch raids on those dastardly tykes who draw water-soluble chalk lines on the pavement. When challenged on this lunacy, a West Midlands Police spokesdolt blithered about all the chalked up pavement plus complaints about "anti-social behavior" in the area. If hopscotch is the biggest crime in West Midlands, then life is good and everyone should get on with it and leave the kids alone.
Hopscotch! What the hell is next? You'd think that some rational adult would point out that hopscotch is played outdoors and involves physical activity plus a measure of coordination and agility. Given all that, a bit of chalk which does wash off is a small price to pay.
New Zealand
Understandably pleased with herself, a Christchurch (New Zealand) woman found a nifty way to beat the Nanny State out of a £60 car registration fee. Trumpeting her creativity, she proclaimed her solution during a call to a Kiwi boom box show. She managed to reduce the fee to a nifty £19 by registering her ride as a "non-commercial hearse" that she uses to carry dead animals. Strictly speaking, she's telling the truth, since the frozen chickens she, routinely picks up at the grocery store are, by any reasonable measure, "dead animals". A humor-challenged bureaucrat huffed "The definition of a hearse is a vehicle used to convey coffins, not groceries." Given this woman's imagination, she'll start packing her differently-alive chicken home from the store in a small coffins instead of the proverbial grocery bag. PIG salutes this woman for her ingenuity.
JULY 2006
News Around the Globe
Source: PIG News Wire [07/24/06] North Korea
North Korea's fearless leader acquired a new ball and chain this week when he married his frequent companion and personal secretary, Kim Ok. We're more than a tad amused by the way an unnamed South Korean government minion described the new Mrs. Fearless Leader: "She is a cute woman rather than a beauty like the leader's previous wives or live-in women." If you need a translation for that, we're willing to give it a shot: "The Fearless leader's new bride is a dog, but she's undoubtedly horizontally gifted." And now, you really do know the rest of the story.
Mexico
Mexico's ruling party must be getting tired of the way rational American adults are hammering them over their border control hypocrisy. We suspect that it's getting much harder to promote a wide open border to the north while enforcing the border to the south with a mindless zeal that would make the Gestapo green with envy. This week Mexican legicrats are mulling a bill that would eliminate jail terms for uninvited, "undocumented", uh, visitors to Mexico. Under a 1974 immigration law, individuals who invade Mexico uninvited could face 2 to 5 years in prison. That would change dramatically under the new bill which would reduce fines for border jumping and trim the maximum time in the slammer to 36 hours.
A Mexican hack named Arturo Magana - spokesdolt for the Mexican Congress opined: "This is in response to the new reality. We cannot be demanding that the U.S. not criminalize migration and have this law here." No argument, dude, but Uncle Sam should criminalize border jumping anyway, no matter what kind of crap you pull on your side of the border.
Lebanon
Despite Kofi Anan's blithering, the dirty little secret about the U.N. observer post that got nailed by the Israelis is out. WND shared these tattletale facts:
'...Maj.-Gen. Lewis MacKenzie points to an e-mail by one of the observers killed in the attack that backs Israel's claim that it was targeting Hezbollah, reported the CanWest News Service of Canada. The dead observer, Maj. Paeta Hess-von Kruedener, wrote an e-mail last week to the Canadian television network CTV that alluded to Hezbollah's tactics. "What I can tell you is this, we have on a daily basis had numerous occasions where our position has come under direct or indirect fire from both (Israeli) artillery and aerial bombing. "The closest artillery has landed within 2 meters (sic) of our position and the closest 1000 lb aerial bomb has landed 100 meters (sic) from our patrol base. This has not been deliberate targeting, but rather due to tactical necessity."...' (World Net Daily)
If anyone deserves condemnation it's Hezbollah. Where is Kofi's outrage at them?
Dublin (Ireland)
What started as an April Fool's joke has turned into an enriching event. It started when Paddy Power spewed a tall April Fool's Day tale about a strip poker tournament. But, after he got deluged with "I'm there in a heartbeat" responses, Paddy decided to run with the idea. Next month - August 19th in London - he's staging the World Strip Poker Championship, an event that gives the lucky winner the soon to be coveted "Golden Fig Leaf" trophy plus 10,000 pounds ($18,630) in cash.
London
With all the real criminals rehabilitated and crime levels at a steady 0.00%, Brit cops finally found time to see a venerable Brit woman, Janet Grove, about a sign that's been hanging on her garden gate for 30 years. It was put up there by her late hubby after some Jehovah's Witnesses came calling one Christmas morning. The cops may not find this humorous, but it gets our vote: "Our dogs are fed on Jehovah's Witnesses".
According to the cops, some humor challenged dolt lodged a complaint about a "distressing, offensive and inappropriate" sign. File this in your growing "proof that liberty is on life support in England" archive.
England
A vigorous "young at heart" woman named Winifred Whelan woke up with a start to find a knife-wielding punk standing by her bed. Brandishing his 10-inch knife, the punk demanded that Winifred hand over her money. Unwilling to do that, our heroine jumped out of bed, raced to the kitchen, then grabbed a knife of her own. Waving the 14 inch carving knife at the punk's belly, Winifred borrowed a line from Crocodile Dundee: "You call that a knife, this is a knife." We are not making that up, Winifred actually said it.
Noting how dangerously pissed Winifred was, her 52 year old son, Vincent, grabbed the knife from mom before she decided to puncture the knife wielding home invader. The incident turned out perfectly, with nobody hurt and the punk plus his partner in crime enjoying the Spartan accommodations of the Liverpool graybar hotel.
By now you must be wondering how "youthful" Winifred is. We're pleased to report that this "do you feel lucky, punk" crime-stopper is a vigorous young woman of 80.
Worldwide News Nuggets
Source: PIG News Wire [07/19/06]
Afghanistan
Seeking a return to the bad old days when the Taliban made life in Afghanistan endlessly crappy, Afghan clerics asked the government to restore a relic of those bygone days. The relic is a spiffy group of spoilsports named "Department of Promotion of Virtue and Preventing Vice", but for our purposes we'll simply called them the Supernaturalist Gestapo (religious police). When Afghanistan's council of Muslim clerics asked President Hamid Karzai to restore the Supernaturalist Gestapo to enforce sharia law, he agreed to ask the national parliament to get the deed done.
When the deed is done, these Mecca Maniac enforcers will be free to terrorize Afghan citizens just like they did in the good old days, before W sold them on "democracy".
Japan
Contrary to popular myth, Japan is no longer "a man's world". Increasingly, Sushi Slamming men are finding themselves shut out by a popular capitalist trend. It's called "Women Only" and it's cropping up everywhere. When you dig deep, you find that certain train riding, female groping horndogs set this cultural revolution in motion. Heeding pleas from female train passengers who were tired of some horndog using the crowded conditions to cop a feel, the train wranglers set up special "women only" cars. That proved to be such a success that other companies decided to capitalize on the fact that single Japanese women have a lot of money burning a hole in their purses.
Japanese gyms offer special "women only" sessions. Restaurants, routinely, offer "women only" lunches. Elsewhere, convenience stores, movie theaters and pachinko parlors are off limits to males part of the day, or in other cases, permanently. Being a dude just ain't what it use to be in Japan (sigh).
Saudi Arabia
A top Wahhabi Mecca Maniac cleric is not the least bit amused by Hezbollah's antics. He's so annoyed that he issued one of those Mecca Maniac slap-downs - a fatwa - against the Iranian-affiliated terrorist scumbags.
'...Sheik Abdullah bin Jabreen declares it against Muslim Sharia law to support, join, or even pray for the terror group, writing, "our advice to the Sunnis is to denounce them and shun those who join them to show their hostility to Islam and to the Muslims," the report said. The New York Sun reports that the fatwa also condemns Iran for funding and supporting Hezbollah to further what Jabreen called its imperial ambitions...' (Ynet News Site)
Don't put too much hope on this fatwa. It has everything to do with the rivalry between Shiites and Sunnies, but nothing to do with support for Israel. File this one under "a pox on both your houses" in your Jihadikaze archives.
England
On the hottest day of the year (100 degrees F in the shade) the pinheads running the Essex (England) Council put up traffic stop so they could interview the outraged drivers for a traffic census. Thanks to their crappy timing (rush hour, of course) Brit drivers were forced to fume and swelter in an 11-mile backup. Undeterred by motorist outrage, and unmoved by a plea from the cops to shut it down, the Essex minions continued to block traffic from 7am to 6pm.
You don't need a crystal ball or a 21st century Nostradamus to predict that the next day, the Essex Council got a well-deserved earful from their traffic census victims. The Essex Council tried to spin their antics with horse hockey about getting info to make trips across south Essex easier. But, when that didn't fly, an Essex Council minion blithered,
"We fully acknowledge that the roadside interviews resulted in major delays to drivers. A number of incidents did exacerbate the situation, including accidents on the M11 and M25. In such circumstances we accept that common sense should have prevailed and we should have acted accordingly. We are now in discussion with Essex Police on what lessons can be leant from this and how to manage such circumstances more effectively in the future. We unreservedly apologise to motorists for any inconvenience caused." (Daily Mail)
If you need that translated, it's as simple as "Oops."
PIG-Worthy International News
Source: PIG News Wire [07/14/06]
Saudi Arabia
Displaying a heretofore undisclosed sense of humor, the Sandbox (PIGish prose for Saudi Arabia and you ought to know it by now) sent a Saudi prince to a tourism conference in nearby Dubai. After extolling the Sandbox's attractions: archaeological sites, scenic mountains and best of all, some of the best scuba diving sites on the planet, the Sandbox Prince got down to the 'fine print'. The fine print, in this case, is spiffy, and then some: no booze; single women under 40 must be accompanied by their brothers or fathers; women must wear robes that cover everything except their face, hands and feet; during Ramadan, tourists won't be allowed to eat between dusk and dawn. One pesky question remains unanswered: how is a woman expected to go diving in one of those damn head to toe moo-moo rigs without drowning? If anyone has Prince Sultan bin Salman bin Abdel Aziz, secretary-general of the Saudi tourism commission on speed dial, ring him up and ask him about scuba diving in a moo-moo.
Britain
A safety magazine put out by the Suffolk police contains some amazing advice for Brit women who are planning a night on the town. The advice in question is illustrated by images of young women slumped on the ground:
"If you fall over or pass out, remember your skirt or dress may ride up. You could show off more than you intended -- for all our sakes, please make sure you're wearing nice pants and that you've recently had a wax."
If an American magazine tried that, the NO NAD howls of outrage would be deafening. PIG salutes the scribblers at Safe! magazine for their thrillingly incorrect advice.
Brit Panty-Twister
Source: The Sun (UK) [07/11/06]
Brits are in a lather because Britain's largest fun park is going to be closed to everyone except Mecca Maniacs on September 17, 2006. A group called Islamic Leisure rented out Alton Towers for the day and plan to remake the park to suit Mecca Maniac needs. That means no smoking, no music, no booze, no gambling. It also means prayer areas, Muslim stalls and all the food will be Mecca Maniac cool. Big, big fun.
As fun as it is, it gets better, when you consider the reason for this scheme:
"We’re trying to get Muslims to go to this day because they wouldn’t normally go somewhere like Alton Towers. We’re trying to integrate Muslims into the wider community. People can come down and see the way we live. It will be a peaceful family environment." (Abid Hussan of Islamic Leisure, emphasis added)
PIG's international correspondent, Andrew, deflates Abid's blithering with this telling prose: "It's is rather like the soldier who is out of step with the rest of the army, getting them to 'integrate with him' by paying them to march in step with him for a single stride, then the army reverting back to its original march." Truer words, PIGsters, truer words.
What Goes Up...
Source: Himalayan Times [07/10/06]
The rocket scientists at the Indian Space Research Organization found out, through trial and error, that, at times, what goes up, comes down a lot sooner than planned. They made this momentous discovery this week when India's rocket wranglers set off rocket carrying a 2.2 ton telecommunications satellite. Apparently, their computations weren't quite up to snuff when it came to putting their heaviest - to date - payload into orbit, because the rocket veered off course then exploded. This rounds out a sorry week for India's rocket wranglers who are still sorting through the debris caused when one of their longest range missiles, the Agni III, did a header into the ocean, 10 minutes too soon. How, exactly, do they say "D'oh" in Hindi?
When questioned by an eager news media, India's rocket wranglers said "We can not comment now on what when wrong."
What Might Go Up...
Source: News Max [07/10/06]
Up to here with North Korea's antics, Japanese officials are "considering whether a pre-emptive strike on [North Korea's] missile bases would violate its constitution" (News Max). According to this News Max item, Japanese officials were far from thrilled with Kim Jong-il's missile fusillade and are seriously considering all their options, including the military one.
As fun is it might be to watch the Sushi Slammers nail Kim Jong-il for us, there are a few speed bumps that make that option an unlikely one. For example, Japan's constitution specifically bans using military force to settle international disputes. Also Japan's "defense forces" don't have any missiles in their arsenal that could reach North Korea. As pesky as these issues are, there are some solutions. Uncle Sam could loan Japan some longer range defensive missiles then act suitable shocked and dismayed when, during a test of these long range missiles, Japan accidently lands one on Kim Jong-il's rocket ranch.
The Continuing Adventures of Hugo
Source: PIG News Wire [07/07/06]
Hugo Chavez is a man with mission and it's keeping him very damn busy. Last week, this fun loving despot spent some quality time daring Uncle Sam to keep Venezuela off the U.N. Security Council. He wants to be in there with the big boys so he can fight those evil American imperialist devils. Huge, huge fun. For those who demand some Hugo prose with their PIG News, here's a taste:
"We accept this challenge against the empire. The United States say Venezuela will not go to the Security Council and we say Venezuela will." (Reuters)
Far from finished, Hugo tried to promote his "Damn those Americans to hell" agenda in Africa. He's trying to organize a joint Latin America and Africa cabal that can do battle with those imperialist devils by playing the "oil" card. You won't need a message from Nostradamus to predict that Hugo sees himself leading this coalition of resource-rich whiners. The relevant Hugo prose is locked and loaded:
"We should march together, Africa and Latin America, brother continents with the same roots ... Only together can we change the direction of the world. The world is threatened by the hegemony of the North American empire," said the former paratrooper, following speeches from African leaders which had criticised colonialism. Africa has everything to become a pole of world power in the 21st century. Latin America and the Caribbean are equipped to become another pole." (Hugo spreading his special brand of joy at a meeting of the African Union as quoted by a Reuters story)
When last seen, Hugo was trying to organize an oil for weapons swap with everyone's favorite wingnut despot, North Korea's Kim Jong-il. Big, big fun, and it keeps getting better.
PIG-Worthy International News
Source: PIG News Wire [07/07/06]
Korea
It's been a bad couple of days for despots and those aspiring to full-blown despot status. On July 4, Korea's lunatic in charge finally shot off his ICBM, but things didn't go exactly as planned. North Korea's vaunted Taepondong-2 missile went haywire a mere 35 seconds after it was launched, saving Uncle Sam the trouble of shooting it down. To make up for this blight on North Korea's military prowess, Kim Jong-il fired five short range missiles that fell harmlessly in the Sea of Japan. It's not a very good showing for a clown who is threatening to eradicate the USA with his military might. When questioned by PIG News' crackpot reporters, Secretary of State Condi Rice said she would take a "Neener, neener, neener, you missed us" under advisement.
Bolivia
Closer to home, an aspiring despot, Bolivia's Evo Morales, suffered a setback in his plan to turn Bolivia into a Marxist blight. The plan, such as it was, couldn't be simpler. He needed at least a two-thirds majority in the national assembly to allow him to pass the necessary legislation to eradicate troublesome things like property rights, individual liberty and the like. Since his minions only delivered 132 of the 255 seats, his party controls 52% of the seats, far short of the two-thirds he needed. Adding to Evo's angst, 4 of Bolivia's 9 states voted to grant themselves greater political and economic autonomy from Bolivia's national government. How, exactly, do they say "D'oh" in Bolivia?
Iraq
According to his wife, Abua Musab Al-Zarqawi was "sold to the Americans" because he was eclipsing Osama's fading star. The membership of the conspiracy to get Zarqawi included "Iraqi resistance fighters, the leaders of al-Qaeda, and the American secret services", this Mecca Maniac dolly insists. Zarqawi's widow, Um Mohamad, insists that the key element that sealed the deal was a promise by Uncle Sam's minions to "slow down their search" for Osama. Big, big, fun.
As delusional as this sounds, there is one well-documented factoid that's gives it credence: this week the CIA shut down the office that has, for the past decade, been tasked with hunting down Osama.
Iraq II
One of the goodies the proper authorities found on Zarqawi's rotting corpse was his cell phone. Everyone was more than a tad "thrilled" when they ran through the numbers stored on this tattletale technological blight and found something very shocking. This terrorist asshat had the phone numbers for "senior Iraqi officials" stored in it. The proper authorities aren't naming names, yet, but the usual blabbermouth sources report that the numbers belonged to "ministry employees and members of parliament". Big, big fun. If you don't see an investigation coming, wake the hell up.
High Above the English Channel
Two women on a flight from Britain to Turkey got into a vicious cat fight that forced the pilot to divert to Munich, Germany for an emergency landing. For all the spiffy details, we'll let the Sun do the heavy lifting:
'...Shocked cabin crew and fellow passengers looked on as the women began hurling insults and pulling each other’s hair. Stewards tried to calm the women down. But the row flared again and the pair began punching and biting each other. One holidaymaker said: “It began as a silly argument but quickly became an ugly catfight. The women ignored pleas to calm down and began clawing at each other. Children nearby began crying. Eventually the women were pulled apart by two male air stewards and sat at opposite ends of the plane to calm down.”...'
It's a damn shame that nobody on the plane had the presence of mind to get some video of this epic wench-vs-wench battle.
Taiwan
Feeling neglected, Taiwan is poised to join the Sea of Japan "We can fire missiles too" club. Their missile - the Hsiung Feng III - is intended for their pals in China, so the missile's 360 mile range is more than adequate. As far as we can tell China is taking Taiwan's missile mania in stride. However, PIG is very annoyed to report that Taiwan's main supporter, the USA, is alarmed. Alarmed? Again? Grow a pair Uncle Sam.
JUNE 2006
International News Roundup
Source: PIG News Wire [06/30/06] Mexico
The elected tormentors in Chihuahua, Mexico appointed themselves sole arbiters of what constitutes a proper name for a Mexican tyke. Odd, creative and exotic names are banned. Examples include "Lluvia" - it means rain; "Azul" - it means blue. If a parent pins a foreign first name - Kevin, Brian, Karen - on the tyke, the middle name must be Spanish - Jose, Maria, etc. Finally, the name selected must be spelled correctly. Elizabeth must be spelled with a "z", not an "s".
It's nice to know that Chihuahua has all its important problems - poverty, illiteracy, unemployment, crime - resolved, giving them time for this kind of crap.
England I
With all the important problems solved, a Brit elected tormentor, Labor MP Claire Curtis-Thomas, found time to stamp a "porn" label on so-called "lads magazines". For those new to Brit speak, "lads magazines" include such titillating fare as 'Maxim' and 'FHM'. Vilifying them and countless others as "repulsive" and "degrading to women", Claire wants to pass a law to condemn them to the top shelf with the periodicals that show a lot more of the babes enshrined between the covers. A periodical named 'Zoo' was singled out for special attention due to a Dictionary of Porn article that included descriptions of sexual acts. That issue was so "graphic and repulsive" she can't repeat the porno prose in the House of Commons.
Speaking for rational adults, Piers Hernu, former editor of 'Front' magazine - he's also written for 'FHM' and 'Loaded', took this Harpy to task on her notions. He began by explaining the difference between lads magazines and top shelf periodicals: "They have toplessness - if that is sexually explicit and degrading to women then that's Claire's point of view, it's not mine. Parents and teachers are not up in arms about minors buying lads mags simply because they do not." As a parting shot, Peirs slammed Claire for 'trying to impose an "embittered morality" on the rest of society' (BBC). Embittered morality? I wonder if Claire is related to Brent Bozell.
England II
While we're discussing differently-intelligent Brits, we might as well share the saga of a Brit health cabal, Eastbourne Downs NHS Trust. Determined to help Brit teens cope with sensitive sexual health topics, they set up an advice service - what we Yanks call a hotline. The acronym for this group - I swear we are not making this up - is SHAG. That's right SHAG as in slang for horizontal bingo. In case someone asks at the trial, SHAG stands for Sexual Health Action Group. If they want to change the name to something even better, why not Human Urges Mentoring Panel, A.K.A. HUMP? Oh please, spare me your attitude.
England III
The Brits took "it's for the children" to a whole new level when they passed the Children Act 2004. Among other things, this legicrap empowered the government to create a database that sets performance goals which the parents of Brit children must meet or suffer some very nasty consequences. When this new database is locked and loaded - in about 2 years - it will track a laundry list of parental performance factors for every child in England. An Egghead from the London School of Economics warns:
'...Dr Eileen Munro, of the LSE, said that if a child caused concern by failing to make progress towards state targets, detailed information would be gathered. That would include subjective judgments such as "Is the parent providing a positive role model?", as well as sensitive information such as a parent's mental health. They include consuming five portions of fruit and veg a day, which I am baffled how they will measure. The country is moving from 'parents are free to bring children up as they think best as long as they are not abusive or neglectful' to a more coercive 'parents must bring children up to conform to the state's views of what is best'."...' (Telegraph)
A database that logs every petty detail of a Brit tyke's formative years? This is much more than plain vanilla Nanny State twaddle, it's a full frontal assault on the liberty of Brit parents.
India
Alarmed by the fact that India's Mecca Maniac lads are going World Cup bonkers, Sattar Pathallur, secretary of the Sunny Students Federation in the Malappuram district, is hoisting the conspiracy flag. That's right supernaturalist pinhead fans, Sattar is convinced that person or persons unknown are deliberately trying to poison the minds of certain Mecca Maniac lads with soccer mania:
'...The "youth and students are behaving as if they had gone mad. I firmly believe that there is a conspiracy to divert the attention of Muslim youth to an unproductive exercise."...' (AFP).
This Mecca Maniac cabal is so distressed over soccer bonkers Mecca Maniacs that they organized 'religious lessons, rallies and public meetings to dissuade youths from following the sport' (AFP). Is the World Cup another Infidel plot against the religion of peace? Only in the fevered brains of these paranoid Mecca Maniacs.
Getting Real In Saudi Arabia
Source: World Net Daily [06/23/06]
During a broadcast on Saudi TV last month, an interviewer threw some chin music at his guest, Saudi Shura Council member Ibrahim Al-Bueihi:
"Some elements in Arab and Muslim societies have intensified the hostility towards Arabs and Muslims, through their acts of violence and terrorism, to the point that we see images of slaughtering the other – American or European – live on TV."
Ibrahim Al-Bueihi's answer:
"In my opinion, we should not describe these people as deviant. This is the product of our culture.
They are the product of a culture that believes the other does not deserve to live, and is an absolute enemy with whom no understanding is possible. …
There is a fundamental flaw in our culture that leads to this behavior. This ideology, which was advocated by Sayyid Qutb [a 20th century Egyptian intellectual associated with the Egyptian Muslim Brotherhood], and which is implemented by those who kill innocent people – women, children, and people who have done nothing wrong – did not emerge out of thin air, but is the product of this culture. This is a one-dimensional culture, a culture of tyranny – tyranny in culture, in politics, in society, in the family, and in everything.
The "other" does not have to be someone completely different. When we disagree with someone, even over a shoe-shine, we regard him as the "other," we boycott him, we excommunicate him, defame him, level accusations at him, and so on."
"This is a one-dimensional culture, a culture of tyranny..." What else is there to say but, WOW!
International News
Source: PIG News Wire [06/22/06]
England
When you read a headline about "amnesty for illegal immigrants" not being taken off the political table, you might think you're mired in American politics. In this case, the amnesty promoter is Tony Blair's new immigration Czar, Liam Byrne. The minute this political hack let that cat out of the bag, Downing Street quickly spin doctored it, hoping the Brit electorate is as dumb as the government thinks they are. Trying to defuse the ticking political time bomb called "amnesty" Downing Street blithered that Liam was "doing the proper job of a minister which was to make sure he has all the facts and analysis appropriate". (BBC)
For the record - in case they ask at your sanity hearing - here's Liam's money quote. During a hearing, he refused to take "amnesty" off the table when questioned about it::
"The position I'm in is really needing to understand in more detail than I do at the moment the precise segmentation of people whose positions have not been regularised...We do, as an agency (the Immigration and Nationality Directorate) need to bring forward a stronger enforcement and removal strategy, that is actually rooted in an analysis of the kind of problems that it's trying to solve. And so, to be frank with the committee, it's too early for me to get into that question yet, because I just haven't got that analysis in front of me." (BBC)
The arguments set forth by everyone concerned sound eerily familiar. Brit border jumper coddlers opine that "bringing the 500,000 border jumpers out of the shadows would enrich Brit tax coffers majorly". A top labor union official who thinks border jumpers are the greatest thing since foam on a brewskie spouts drivel about deporting 500,000 border jumping scumbags being "impractical and immoral". On the other side of the argument, a Brit "protect our damn borders" cabal states the obvious: if you reward 500,000 border jumping scumbags with amnesty, the one thing you're guaranteed to get is a tidal wave of new boder jumping scumbag parasites.
PIG fervently hopes that the U.K.'s rational adults managed to avoid the kind of disaster their Yank cousins inflicted on themselves with the 1986 border jumping amnesty debacle.
England II
In a breathtaking dose of Nanny State spending, the Brits setup a new bureaucracy that cost 8 times more to set up than it has "recovered". It's called the Asset Recovery Agency and, in some fevered bureaucratic mind, it's a spiffy idea. In theory, this cabal would stick a Nanny State monkeywrench into the gears of organized crime by impounding its assets - for the greater good of society as a whole, no doubt. The seizures would include cash, cars and other property. In practice, the seizures amount to an impressive £8m, impressive until you note that this agency cost the Brit taxpayer at least £60m.
Catapulting this epic into the fish and chips zip code of the Twilight Zone, Downing Street opined that, to date, the Asset Recovery Agency's performance has been "disappointing". That must mean Blair and company plan to throw more taxpayer money down this bureaucratic rathole. Proving how utterly and completely Blair and company bungled this scheme, there's this nifty factiod: When he was pitching the idea, Tony Blair insisted that, by now, this new cabal would have seized at least £80m in cash and property from criminal organizations.
Turkey
Turkey's public boob tube cabal, TRT, just banished a perennial tyke favorite, Disney's Winne the Pooh, from Turkish airwaves. An Aussie news site reports that the ban was imposed on TRT by Turkey's Mecca Maniac political hacks who had issues with this Disney toon. What issues? One of the toon's primary players is a piglet. Since this piglet is a featured character, it's impossible to expunge it from the toon and have anything watchable left over. Nice try jihad breath but Winnie the Pooh is shown on other Turkish boob tube outlets and is also available on video.
Update: Far from thrilled about the international derision coming their way after this epic hit the international news nitwit cycle, the relevant Turkish spokesdolt insisted that Winnie the Pooh and his piglet pal are not banned. Yeah, right, dude, now tell us the one about the Easter Bunny.
India
India's egregiously unbalanced male to female ratio, (700 females for every 1000 males in some areas) and the resulting chronic shortage of marriageable females has led to a new growth industry. With too few women available for marriage, some husbands are - we are not making this up - renting their wife out to a local dude with much deeper pockets. One farmer rents out his wife for the equivalent of $175 a month in greenbacks. In exchange, his wife lives with a mega rich landowner and does all the requisite wifely duties for him including horizontal bingo. Sounds like some dude hired himself a hooker who cleans and cooks for him when she's not taking care of "business".
Proving how detached from reality India is, a bride's family is still forced to pay the groom's family, big time, for taking the wench off her family's hands. This turns marketplace dynamics on its head and should, in time, lead to a sea change in Indian culture. Sooner or later, some proud parents of a baby girl with "get it" and tell all prospective grooms to pony up with some serious bucks if they want to pair up with their baby girl. Eventually, the marketplace will hammer Indian grooms with the notion that it's now a "seller's market" and, since brides are in short supply, they better come courting with their wallets wide damn open. PIG eagerly awaits this long overdue reality check.
Bolivia
Bolivian President Evo Morales continues his transformation into Mini Hugo (Chavez) this week, with more paranoid blithering about Uncle Sam. For those keeping score, here are Evo's latest hallucinations:
Uncle Sam is secretly flooding Bolivia with soldiers who are disguised as tourists and students.
Uncle Sam has tried to assassinate him in the past and seems intent on doing it again.
Making his Mini Hugo impression much more vivid, Evo flies around Bolivia in Venezuelan military helicopters piloted by Venezuelan pilots. He's guarded by an undetermined number of Venezuelan troops. Despite his Mini Hugo aspirations, and proving what a total loon he is, Evo keeps trying to get "he's trying to kill me" Uncle Sam to extend a preferential trade agreement that expires on December 31, 2006.
International News Briefs
Source: PIG News Wire [06/14/06]
Iran
Iran's Ministry of Culture and Islamic Guidance banished The Economist magazine from the authorized Iranian reading list this week, when the infidel magazine perpetrated a dastardly insult to this wingnut country. Under this edict, it's illegal to import or distribute current or future editions of the magazine. How, you ask, did The Economist put those Iranian panties in a wad? That had the temerity to refer to the body of water Iran calls "The Persian Gulf" as "The Gulf". Shocking! Believe it or not, The Economist isn't the first publication to stumble over this Iranian trip-wire. In 2004 National Geographic hit the same trip-wire when the National Geographic atlas showed a map that, gasp, identified the aforementioned body of water with this text: "Persian Gulf (Arabian Gulf)". The dispute was settled recently after National Geographic struck a Faustian bargain: The body of water is clearly labeled "Persian Gulf" but prose in the center of the gulf notes "this body of water is referred to by some as the Arabian Gulf".
India
India continues to cement its number one position on PIG's Top Ten Wingnut Countries list, but we're not complaining because we love this stuff. This time out, an Indian state, Madhya Pradesh, decreed that henceforth and forevermore two dastardly nursery rhymes will be expunged from the state's primary schools: "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star", "Baa Baa Black Sheep". We know what you're thinking and we agree: it's utterly asinine. Don't bother trying to find some deep, dark twisted India-bashing meaning in the two nursery rhymes, because the reason behind this crap isn't that complicated. Despite - or because of - their popularity with Indian tykes, these venerable nursery rhymes were denounced as "too Western".
England
A Brit motorist named John Hopwood might want to change his name to John Leadfoot, after he got busted for speeding on two consecutive days. During our lead-footed hero's first speedy episode, he was nabbed doing 50 in a 40mph zone. The following day, he got nabbed doing 41 in a 30mph zone. Keep that 41 in mind, while we share the rest of this story with you. Two tickets in two consecutive days unhinged John just a tad, putting a bold - asinine - idea in his head. He began his attempt to finesse the ticket by stealing a 40mph road sign and lugging it 12 miles to the scene of his second speeding ticket. After attaching the 40mph sign to a lamp post, he snapped a photo of it as proof that he was actually doing 41 in a 40mph zone. John's handiwork remained undetected for at least 10 days, before somebody in authority spotted it. After denying that he put up the bogus speed limit sign, John finally admitted his stunt and the Judge was singularly unamused. After warning John that a graybar hotel gig is not out of the question, the Judge adjourned the case for 3 weeks to give himself time to chill out. Be afraid, John, be very afraid.
Cuba
We're more than a tad surprised to report that Uncle Sam has a diplomatic mission in Havana. We're not the least bit surprised that Fidel Castro is pissed off at the Yankee dogs in his midst. Since January, he's been whining about some electronic signs that the diplomatic mission uses to give Cubans information that Fidel doesn't want them to know. A week ago, Fidel pulled the plug on the Americans, literally, when he shut off electrical power to the mission. The U.S. diplomats took that in stride and cranked up their generator, to keep all those essential items - including the electronic signs, no doubt - working. Who said the commies don't know how to have fun?
Australia
Aussie political hacks are going the extra mile to persuade certain hooligans to take their loud music and their souped up cars somewhere, anywhere, else. Following the lead of an Aussie shopping center that solved its hooligan problems by flooding the outpost of capitalism with Bing Crosby music, the hacks running a wide spot on the outback called "Rockdale", are taking that idea and Emerilizing it several painful notches. Instead of Bing crooning those tunes that hooligans love to hate, Rockdale plans to install loudspeakers in known hooligan gathering spots and pump out the ultimate in hooligan eviction music, Barry Manilow. Don't the Aussies have laws banning cruel and unusual punishment? If they do, Barry Manilow music damn sure qualifies on both counts.
Columbia
According to research perpetrated by the Road Safety Fund, one of the primary distractions that leads to accidents involves Columbian horndog drivers ogling some smouldering Columbian hottie. This 'hubba-hubba' distraction came in second behind that technological blight, the cell phone. We're not sure why anybody thought this was breaking news, but we decided to mention it because smouldering South American hotties are PIG's idea of a good time.
Brit Taxpayers Money Squandered
Source: PIG New's International Correspondent Andrew Moore [06/13/06]
Andrew reports:
"A beauty this one.
Tax credits (a form of state handout) for those on limited incomes, are paid after application and a check for qualification. Generally speaking, they go to the unemployed and those with one bread winner in a low paying job.
The government has somehow neglected to do the 'checking up bit' and just done the 'doling out bit' to the tune of around £2.7m ($4.5m) to those not entitled (and by 'not entitled' I mean those that shouldn't even be here).
More misappropriation of our money. Thank goodness for the Freedom of Information Act... The litigious equivalent of 'you can run, but you can't hide'..."
The BBC gives the facts that support Andrew's assessment:
Brit bureaucrats decided that the qualifications check was a waste of time, so thousands of illegal immigrants got a free pass to this taxpayer funded enrichment.
Thousands of illegal immigrants (at least 2,700 families) were given Nation Identity (similar to our Social Security number) numbers, after which they were paid tax credits by the Brit version of our IRS - Inland Revenue.
Overpayments to these border jumpers averaged £1,000 a year (about $1,900 dead presidents).
Brit officials are making the relevant noises about chasing down all the fraudulent claims but that's probably self-serving hot air, at best. The same officials swear on a stack of tax receipts that this loophole has been closed, permanently. Yeah right, now tell us the one about the Easter Bunny.
Welcome To The "Other" Manchester, Jim
Source: Manchester Evening News [06/09/06]
After attending a pilot's training course in Los Angeles, Manchester (England) denizen Jim Hourihan was looking forward to getting back home. His eagerness to return home was due, in large part, to his desire to get there in time for his gran-daughter's birthday. Locked and loaded, he booked a flight to Manchester and found the listed price £185 (about $341 in greenbacks) a bargain that was too good to pass up. Everything, it seemed, was going Jim's way, but in his case appearances are deceiving.
Jim got to Manchester right on schedule, but, he knew when he changed planes in Cleveland that something was amiss. That's how our world traveling Brit found out that there are at least two Manchesters on this planet and the one where he made landfall is in New Hampshire, not England. The good news is that, Jim was treated like a VIP and given the red carpet treatment by the Yanks and the red-faced airline, Continental. The bad news is that, despite a population of 110,000, Manchester, New Hampshire doesn't have one Jim-worthy pub.
We're pleased to report that Continental got Jim home to his own Manchester for that same, bargain price (one-third of the normal ticket price from LA to Manchester, England). They also provided him with hotel accommodations and meal vouchers. We're not sure if the meal voucher entitles him to all the salted nut packets he can carry, but we're still looking into it.
Brit Korrectness Daily Double
Source: PIG News Wire [06/04/06]
Ladies Night Going the Way of the Dodo Bird?
Ladies Night, a preferred method of attracting the fair sex into a given adult beverage emporium, might become extinct in the U.K, thanks to an edict from the EU pinheads in Brussels. Those paragons of Korrectness, the European Parliament, enacted a gender equality edict that requires the EU's member states to pass equal rights laws that "make sure goods and services are offered to men and women, equally". Since ladies night, by their very nature, "discriminate" against the differently-female, that makes them a no-no under this new EU edict.
For those who demand all the gruesome particulars, here's what we've got on this latest EU assault on inalienable individual liberty:
'...The directive describes its purpose as being to "... lay down a framework for combating discrimination based on sex in access to and supply of goods and services, with a view to putting into effect in the Member States the principle of equal treatment between men and women." Single-sex private clubs and sports events may still be permitted if they are justified by a "legitimate aim", the directive says...' (Manchester Evening News)
Does a ladies night discriminate against men? Yup, but there's an silver lining to this dark cloud. Ladies night means a dude is more likely to encounter someone nifty and nubile in a given adult beverage emporium. Is this 'some pay more than others' policy any of the Nanny State's damn business? Nope, but don't try and explain that to the Neo-Marxist asshats running the EU.
The Great Scratch-Off Card Scam
Manchester (England) Korrectniks are in a lather over teenage drinking, a fun fact that led the usual suspects to try something utterly asinine to curb teenage boozing. Determined to prevent teenagers from swilling adult beverages during the World Cup fervor, the proper authorities printed up some special scratch-off cards to get the job done.
'...police aim to use the cards, which offer music vouchers as prizes, to steer children away from booze. The cards, which will be handed out in schools, each pose five true or false statements about alcohol. If a child gets the answers right they can scratch away a panel at the bottom to find out if they have won a £5 voucher to spend at music store HMV...' (Manchester Evening News)
The 4,000 scratch cards will be distributed at various Manchester area schools. In addition to the prize on the front, each card has another scratch off on the back that could bag some lucky teenager a voucher worth £100 and a computer for their school. This all sounds very spiffy, but, at best, it's wishful thinking on the part of the proper authorities if they think they can bribe teenagers to forgo a taste of the forbidden brew. All the facts in the world, all the free goodies in the world, won't keep a determined teenager from downing a brewskie or two. It has been that way since Cain and Abel discovered the unrelenting joy of ingesting fermented grapes. Then, as now, the first line of underage drinking defense is - and ought to be - mom and dad, not the Nanny State.
International News
Source: PIG News Wire [06/02/06]
Manchester (England)
Robert Madden, the owner of a Brit outpost of capitalism named "Costcutters" is up to here with the fact that he's at the top of the list when it comes to local desperados' preferred victims. In the last 5 months, Robert's shop was targeted 7 different times. Tired of being bashed on the noodle, shot at and physically assaulted, Robert is marshaling his defenses. He installed a "secure" smokes dispenser, 11 CCTV cameras, two panic buttons and put a guard mutt on the payroll. Far from finished, he also installed a new security system from Red Web Security.
The Red Web Security system includes a gizmo that sprays desperados with a special red dye that stays on the punk and his attire for at least a month. As fun as that sounds, it goes one step further. If a cop bags a desperado who is decorated with this special red dye, the cop can trace the dye back to Robert's shop because the dye includes a special DNA signature that is unique to Robert's shop. The Manchester Evening News scribblers call this a "caught red handed" security system, but here at PIG News we prefer to think of it as a "Do you fell lucky punk" system.
Oldham (England)
Jeffrey Scott's enriching scheme worked like gang-busters, but like all good things, it came to an untimely end. In theory, it was the epitome of simplicity. He made it known that, for a tidy sum, he would claim that he was driving a car that got tagged by one of those pesky, automated speed cameras. Over a 6 month stretch Jeffrey owned up to at least 50 speeding citations and it might still be going on, if some alert police minion hadn't noticed the unusual number of tickets piling up under his name. Instead of enrichment, Jeffrey is headed for a 3 year graybar stretch. His "clients" aren't doing that much better, since they're being charged with the Brit version of "obstructing justice" a crime that carries a much heftier penalty than a speeding ticket.
Madinah (Saudi Arabia)
We're pleased to report that an infidel mainstay, the police chase, has arrived in the Sandbox. Arrived, yes, but as usual, these dish towel wearing Sandbox denizens put their own spiffy spin on it. Since there's no way to improve on our source, we'll give it to you the way we found in an English language Sandbox fishwrap called "Arab News":
'...Members of the Committee for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice received a call of a suspected African “sorceress” in the holy city’s Al-Seeh neighborhood. Members of the committee along with police went to the suspected den of the black arts to find a naked African woman. Embarrassed about busting into an apartment containing a naked woman, police paused just long enough for the woman to attempt an escape, still naked, through the window of her flat. Police followed in pursuit to discover that the woman had crashed through the ceiling of the neighbor’s flimsy house and landed on the floor next to a bed of sleeping children. The woman was arrested, but not before she was provided some dignity in the form of clothing...' (Arab News)
PIG News admits that we found the phrase "den of the black arts" followed as it was by "naked African woman" roll on the floor funny. Are we the only ones who had no idea that Sandbox "journalists" were such side-splitting comic geniuses? Probably, but we're up to the challenge.
La Paz (Bolivia)
Alarmed by the land grabbing policies perpetrated by Bolivia's Marxist President, Evo Morales, Bolivia's largest agribusiness group, the National Farming Confederation, is gearing up to defend its members' property. The problem stems from Evo's straight from Karl Marx's playbook ploy to "redistribute" at least 77,000 square miles of Bolivian land to Evo's supporters. Evo insists that he's only liberating land that's not being farmed, was obtained illegally, or was being used for speculation. Nice try, dude, but in your fevered Marxist brain, purchasing land qualifies as obtaining land illegally.
Smart enough to read the handwriting on the proverbial wall, the National Farming Confederation thrilled Evo and his comrade spitless with an announcement that it would organize "self defense" units to defend the farmers' land. Since in most South American countries "self defense" is a code word for armed vigilante groups, Evo's minions reacted to this threat with predictable bluster:
'..."The government cannot accept their announcement because these groups are illegal and border on being criminal," said Alfredo Rada, a deputy minister in charge of coordinating between the government and the country's civil organizations...' (Seattle Post-Intelligencer)
Will Evo's Marxist antics lead to an armed confrontation with his own countrymen? Don't bet the proverbial agriculture endeavor against it PIGsters.
New Delhi (India)
PIG News is amazed to report that affirmative action is alive and well in India of all places. That's right, India. Instead of racial bean counting, India's fairness wranglers are trying to achieve an equality of results between the various casts plus members of its indigenous tribes. The goal, according to government bureaucrats, is to "increase the number of reserved places for lower cast and tribal students in universities, medical colleges, engineering institutes and management colleges from 22.5 % to 49.5% in 2007" (Seattle Times). You don't need a crystal ball, Tarot Cards or tea leaves to predict that upper cast students and professionals aren't thrilled spitless:
'..."Instead of promoting merit, this government is promoting caste. That is what makes us mad," said [a 21 year old medical student]. Behind him, a large banner reads boldly: "We want democracy, don't want quota-cracy."...' (Seattle Times)
Government doctors staged a 19 day strike over the new quota scheme, but it ended when India's highest court ordered them back to work. At the same time "tens of thousands" of India's professionals - engineers, software programmers, medical students and bankers - are vigorously protesting the quota scheme. It's going to get a lot more fun before it's over.
And what, you ask, does PIG think of India's affirmative action scheme? In the abstract, on a purely intellectual and philosophical basis, we think it sucks. On a purely visceral level, we're taking a perverse delight in this Indian angst over affirmative action. Why? We're more than a tad amused that the nation that bagged so many spiffy American jobs via outsourcing is suffering from a classically American malady: the affirmative action blues.
Kent (England)
It sounds like a plot from a screwball 'Carry On' comedy but a Brit commuter named Paul Neal can tell you that it's too, too real. The incident started innocently enough when Paul arrived at the train station too late to buy a ticket. Instead, he boarded the train and planned to purchase the ticket from the onboard ticket inspector. The incident kicked into high gear when the inspector told Paul that he'd used up his tickets and asked Paul to accompany him to his cabin in the back of the train. The fun, as they say, was locked and loaded.
Once inside the cabin, the inspector locked the door, dropped his pants, waved his turgid willy at Paul then grabbed Paul and tried to kiss him. After a brief wrestling match, Paul escaped the trap but the fun was just getting started. The randy inspector chased him through the train with his pants down and willy waving in the breeze, shouting "Don't be stupid. You want it."
Paul got off the train at the next stop with the ticket inspector in hot pursuit. He caught Paul and tried to get Paul to go to a nearby toilet with him. Paul managed to break free and jumped on the first train out of the station, not giving a flaming damn where it was headed. Thanks to Paul's complaint, the randy ticket inspector is out of a job.
MAY 2006
Brit Knife Amnesty Update
Source: PIG News Wire [05/30/06]
The supermarket capitalists at Lidl's ran afoul of some terminally Korrect Brit foolishness this week, an encounter that made them decide to cancel a planned diving knife sale. And how, you ask, is a diving knife sale politically incorrect? It's not, unless you stage it during the on-going 5 week long "Knife Amnesty". That's right Sparky, knife amnesty and it's at least as stupid as it sounds. For those fun facts I'll cite a PIG News item from February 2006:
The British Home Secretary, Charles Clarke, just announced a 5-week long, nationwide knives amnesty as the best way to deal with the stabbings that resulted in 230 deaths last year. If you own a knife and plan to stab somebody with it, Chucky wants you to do the right thing and turn in that knife at the drop-in bins that will be positioned at police stations throughout the country.
"Tackling knife culture, especially among young people, is paramount to the safety of our communities, and I am determined to reduce the devastation caused by knife crime. Carrying knives on the streets will not be tolerated. Every weapon handed in during the amnesty will be a weapon that cannot be used in crime." (Home Secretary Charles Clarke)
That's the down and dirty on knife amnesty and it explains why the store pulled the plug on their knife sale. With Brit officials dwelling that far in the Twilight Zone, cancelling the sale is the only rational move. We're shocked, shocked I tell you that banning gun ownership didn't solve all Brit crime problems. We strongly suggest that Lidl's suits put their plans for a rolling pin sale and a tire iron sale on hold, because it's a slam dunk that Home Secretary Chucky is ready to run a "blunt instrument amnesty" up the Nanny State flagpole any damn second now.
PIGish International News
Source: PIG News Wire [05/26/06]
Sicily
Italian authorities on Sicily report that Lampedusa, a tiny island south of Sicily, is being overwhelmed by illegal immigrants. In a 48 hour period more than 420 border jumpers were intercepted in boats heading for the island. So far, Italian authorities can't pinpoint the starting point of this "migration". However, they cite the fact that most of the uninvited 'guests' are women, children and senior citizens as proof that the origin of the migration is a "conflict zone".
During 2005 Italian authorities intercepted 207 vessels carrying approximately 22,000 "guests" seeking refuge in the D-Cup heartland. Obviously, border jumping is a world-wide problem.
Mexico
Taking hypocrisy to new heights, Mexico demands unrestricted rights for the Mexican border jumping scumbags who infest America, while continuing to deny many of those rights to foreigners residing in Mexico. Unless you were born in Mexico, you need not apply for certain jobs:
'...In the United States, only two posts — the presidency and vice presidency — are reserved for the native born. In Mexico, non-natives are banned from those and thousands of other jobs, even if they are legal, naturalized citizens. Foreign-born Mexicans can't hold seats in either house of the congress. They're also banned from state legislatures, the Supreme Court and all governorships. Many states ban foreign-born Mexicans from spots on town councils. And Mexico's Constitution reserves almost all federal posts, and any position in the military and merchant marine, for "native-born Mexicans." Recently the Mexican government has gone even further. Since at least 2003, it has encouraged cities to ban non-natives from such local jobs as firefighters, police and judges...' (AP)
File this epic under, "do as I say, not as I do" in your PIG News archives.
Torbay (England)
"It is absolutely ludicrous. It is not about me, it is about the whole situation in Torbay. The situation is so bad, but the council does not realize how fed up people are." (Paul Thornton)
The Torbay (England) Parking Nazis are, according to pub owner Paul Thornton, out of control. Keenly aware of the outrage felt by citizens of Torbay, Paul posted notices on his pub - notices that are deliberately made to look like a parking ticket - that ban the parking wardens from wetting their whistle inside his establishment:
"By order of the management, all traffic wardens are barred from these premises." (BBC)
PIG News salutes Paul for serving notice, literally, on Torbay's Parking Nazis. Maybe you can't "fight" city hall, but Paul Thornton showed us how you can make city hall punks miserable. Bold new concept.
Riyadh (Saudi Arabia)
Taking supernaturalist-induced paranoid to new levels, Saudi Arabia's Mecca Maniac meatheads are dead set against allowing the Sandbox's girls participate in PE classes. A booklet handed out at a Sandbox obesity clinic spews this jaw-dropping delusion:
'...[written by a Sandbox scribbler named Muhammad al-Habdan the booklet] warned that if girls' schools began P.E., Saudi girls would have to change into workout gear — and good girls should not disrobe outside their homes. Changing in a locker room might cause them to lose the shyness that is the hallmark of good morals, the booklet warned. It went on to say that the girls might become attracted to each other after seeing their classmates in tight leotards and tops...' (AP)
Making this bovine excrement that much more compelling, those health conscious Sandbox women who try to walk or jog along the Riyadh's walking trails are, routinely, hounded by the muttawa - the Sandbox's religious police. We're disgusted, but far from shocked, that these Sandbox scumbags dare to spew this "if they see each other in a leotard they'll become raving dykes" drivel. In a perverse way it's oddly reassuring when these Sandbox stone heads live down to our most pessimistic expectations.
Israel
Legal experts are gearing up to paint an international justice system bull's-eye on everyone's favorite Mecca Maniac wingnut, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. If you think this sounds like a pipe dream, guess again. The aforementioned legal experts make a good case against our man Mahmoud, by pinning a "genocide" label on him. How? It's a 1948 vintage gem called the Convention on the Prevention and Punishment of the Crime of Genocide. It was enacted by the Black Helicopter Club (United Nations) in 1948 in response to the Holocaust.
'...The Convention on genocide defined genocide as acts committed with intent to destroy, in whole or in part, a national, ethnical, racial or religious group. The acts for which countries can be punished as part of the Convention include physical genocide, conspiracy to commit genocide, as well as a "direct and public incitement to commit genocide."...' (AP)
The bull's-eye wranglers - Dr. Meir Rosen, former Israeli ambassador to the U.S. and France plus Dore Gold, former Israeli ambassador to the U.N. - write in their legal brief that Mahmoud's threats to expunge Israel from the earth meet the definition of 'drive and public incitement' to perpetrate genocide against Israel and its citizens. The legal experts point out that, given Iran's headlong dash to develop a nuclear arsenal, these threats must be taken seriously. That leaves two salient questions about this legal bull's-eye they're painting on Mahmoud:
Question 1: Will this legal maneuver fly in the international legal arena?
Likely answer: Perhaps, but it's a long shot.
Question 2: If some international legal panel buys this "he's a genocidal maniac" idea, will Mahmoud give a damn?
Likely Answer: No way in hell, wishful thinking Sparky.
Leaving nothing to chance, the same Israeli legal experts plan to run this idea up the legal flagpole of any European nation with laws against Holocaust denial.
Vilnius (Lithuania)
Look up "world champion boozer" in your Oxford English Dictionary and you'll probably find Vidmantas Sungaila's mug shoot. If it's not there now, it will be any minute because our hero got pegged a breathalyzer with a staggering 7.27 grams per liter of alcohol, a world record reading that's 18 times the legal limit and well into the "this amount of hooch will kill you" range of public drunkeness. Far from dead or in a coma, Vidmantas was a very happy camper:
'..."This guy should have been lying dead, but he was still driving. It must be an unofficial national record," Saulius Skvernelis, director of the national police traffic control service, told the AP. "He was of high spirits and grinning the whole time he was questioned."...' (AP)
Vidmantas might not be smiling, now, because his drunk driving antics could cost him $1,100 in fines and the loss of his driver's license for 3 years. Life is so unfair, that way.
England I
If a Brit travel website called Where Are You Now (WAYN) expects us to faint from shock over the results of a recent poll, they're doomed to bitter disappointment. The poll in question asked 6,000 people to rate countries in three categories: unfriendliest nation, most boring nation, stingiest (they called it "ungenerous") nation. The shocking results put France in the number one slot in all three categories with 46% of the votes cast. Germany came in second in the same three categories.
Other results of the poll named Italy as the most cultured nation and the nation with the best food. The USA made the list as the most unstylish nation; Uncle Sam also took a hit for the worst food. Curiously, the Brits didn't make the top ten in any category on the best list or the worst list.
Admittedly, it's far from breaking news that the Brits don't like the Surrender Monkeys, but we do find it amusing that the man who founded WAYN is - you guessed it - French.
England II
We're not sure where the Joseph Rowntree Foundation found their panel of healthcare workers and senior police officials, but the smart money is backing "under big goddamn rock". The panel claims that it would make life spiffy if drug users had a taxpayer funded "shooting gallery" where they could shoot up in safety, under the watchful eye of taxpayer-funded healthcare workers. The key selling point - according to the panel - involves decreasing the number of drug users achieving room temperature due to a drug overdose.
For the record, we're painfully aware that these "shooting galleries" are a standard fixture in Germany, Switzerland, the Netherlands, Spain, Norway, Luxembourg, Australia and Canada. We're also aware that having these state funded rooms where drug users can shoot up does not do a damn thing to decrease drug related crime. The Joseph Rowntree Foundation and its panel of alleged experts deserve to be horse-whipped for perpetuating an asinine idea like creating these drug user injection rooms and sticking Brit taxpayers with the bill.
Somewhere Over The Pond
A 25 year old female working in the broadcast profession got fired this week because her boss deemed her skirts too short and her tops too low for airwave decency. We know what you're thinking but she's a DJ named Lady Ray who works in RADIO - for an outlet called Radio Bremen - where her attire - or the lack thereof - is a non-issue. Lady Ray nailed it when she said, "I don't understand it, it's not as if any of the listeners can see me and my breasts don't speak into the microphone."
International PIG-Worthy News
Source: PIG News Wire [05/19/06]
Southampton (England)
A horndog named Matthew Lamble decided it would be great fun to plant a camera in the shower room of his Southampton Solent University dorm, so he could spy on his girlfriend and her pal while they showered. Predictably, his plan careened off the rails and the painfully-proper authorities ran him up on charges of voyeurism. His girlfriend, Joanne Dunn, was far from thrilled spitless but she got over it, eventually. We know this because Joanne and the other girl this pervert spied on testified for him at his trial.
The two wenches he captured on camera testified that they weren't bothered and called his stunt "a silly prank". Furthermore - and this one doesn't pass the smell test - Matthew steadfastly denied that his motive for the stunt was "sexual gratification". Give me a break! Believe it or not the Magistrate bought this dude's bilge and acquitted our camera planting horndog.
London (England)
Faces are red at BBC after they introduced a man whose identity is still a mystery as Guy Kewney, the editor of a technology web site. The mystery man is believed to be a cabby who just happened to be in the reception area when the business show's floor manager went out to fetch their guest. To his credit, the mystery man acquitted himself well, under the circumstances:
'...The man's mouth opened in horror as the camera cut to him in the BBC's News-24 television studio, where he had been seated on a stool by a floor manager, a microphone clipped to his lapel. A business presenter, sitting opposite, introduced the clearly startled man as the editor of a technology Web site, and asked if he was surprised by computer company Apple's victory in a trademark dispute over The Beatles' Apple Corps. "I'm very surprised to see this verdict to come on me because I was not expecting that," he replied, with a strong French accent, in broken English. "When I came they told me something else and I'm coming ... so a big surprise anyway." He gamely answered two more questions about music downloading, before the presenter thanked him and moved on...' (Reuters)
The ultimate irony is this. The BBC dweebs had a photo of the real Guy Kewney. Among other things it shows that unlike the melanin-enriched driver, Guy is - gasp - white. There are times, this being a prime example, when "D'oh" doesn't begin to get the job done.
Riyadh (Saudi Arabia)
The Sandbox's King Abdullah has ordered Saudi fishwrap editors to stop publishing photos of women, because they might set off a sex riot in their fetching moo-moo's and head scarves. A (so-called) man with way too much time on his hands, the King is shocked that anyone would defile Sandbox decency by publishing a female's picture. "One must think, do they want their daughter, their sister, or their wife to appear in this way. Of course, no one would accept this. The youth are driven by emotion ... and sometimes they can be led astray." Is the Sandbox King talking about other Sandbox horndogs, or is he confessing that he loses all control when he sees the image of a woman, even if she's encased in one of those head to toe Mecca Maniac baggies? Enquiring minds want to know.
Update:
We "honored" this female phobic pinhead with our Girlieman of the Week, a move that raised an eyebrow or two in the PIG News bunker. Perhaps, like certain PIG staffers, you're thinking, that the King's antics don't meet PIG's exacting Girlieman standard. Perhaps, but you have to consider two facts that justifies pinning a "girlieman" label on Saudi Arabia's top sand stomper: he wears a goddamn dress; he walks around with a dish towel on his head. Case closed.
Immigration News - International
Source: PIG News Wire [05/19/06]
England
PIG's International Correspondent Andrew reports that illegal immigration is a hot button issue in the U.K., too. The fat fell into the fire when the U.K.'s top immigration bureaucrat, David Roberts, told MP's that he didn't have the slightest idea how many border jumpers were lurking in the U.K. Borrowing a phrase or two from his inept Yank "brothers" in incompetence, he went on to state that there was no point in trying to hunt border jumpers down, so he and his minions were putting their resources to better use. "Better use" in this case is a highly touted scheme that makes Brit companies that willfully hire border jumpers pay as much as £2,000 per employee.
Tony Blair and his spokesholes re-iterated that they could bring the border jumper problem under control with a scheme they call "electronic borders". For those unfamiliar with Brit euphemisms "electronic borders" is Blair-blither for his national identity card scheme. Blair also touted his plan to deport all of the U.K.'s foreign prisoners.
Blair's Tory rivals held Blair and his government's feet to the fire by citing Blair's legacy of failure:
"After four home secretaries, 43 pieces of legislation in nine years, should anyone believe he is the right man to sort it out?" (Tory Leader David Cameron as quote by the BBC)
If you need further proof that Mr. Cameron is right, consider this spiffy tidbit: a few days after David Roberts publically confessed his incompetence, a BBC story revealed that the company which provides cleaning services for government buildings had assigned 5 border jumpers from Nigeria to clean the Home Office building where David Roberts hangs his hat.
For the final word on the U.K.'s immigration woes we'll share these well crafted words from PIG's International Correspondent, Andrew:
How's that for national security? They can't even ensure that only those legitimately here have access to government buildings. Some of the best candidates to 'acquire information' are cleaning staff. They have keys to offices, operate at times when few are at work to observe anything unusual, routinely go into waste paper baskets. "I know let's let some non-nationals work at the Home Office..."
This current government wants to impose a mandatory National Identity Register on everyone. We all get fingerprinted and have facial scans made, get given an ID card and told it will 'help combat identity fraud and terrorism', but those here seeking asylum or whatever other sob story they have, don't have to register for the first 3 months? Plenty of time to carry out an atrocity or set up a people smuggling scam. Seems like all the law abiding members of society have very personal details possessed by the state, yet those presenting the highest risk are not required to register until some later date. The lunatics have taken over the asylum here.
Regrettably, PIGsters know exactly how Andrew feels.
Spain
Suitably alarmed over the 656 Africans who arrived at Spain's Canary Islands in a 24 hour period, the Spanish government is poised to stop the border jumpers at the source. To get the job done, Spain will implement a plan the government calls its "Africa Plan" within 48 hours:
'...The headquarters will be in the Senegalese capital Dakar, under the supervision of a specially appointed ambassador, Miguel Angel Mazarambroz. His staff will cover the west African states Cape Verde, Gambia, Guinea, Guinea-Bissau, Niger and Senegal. The Spanish official said embassies would be opened in Mali and Cape Verde and the mission in Sudan would be reopened to reinforce Spain's diplomatic presence in sub-Saharan Africa, at present limited to embassies in eight states (Cameroon, Democratic Republic of Congo, Equatorial Guinea, Gabon, Ghana, Ivory Coast, Nigeria and Senegal). The diplomats will seek over a three to six month period to reach deals on the repatriation of illegal immigrants similar to accords already concluded with Algeria, Mauritania, Morocco and Nigeria...' (AFP)
The speed bump that makes sending the invaders back such a misery is, to say the least, spiffy. In order to send the border jumpers back, Spain must have a repatriation agreement with the border jumpers native land. If such agreements don't exist, Spain is compelled to release the border jumper within 40 days of their apprehension. These agreements are doable, but what makes it that much more thrilling is the challenge of identifying the border jumper's native land.
Additional Canary Island Data:
More than 1,000 border jumpers arrived in the last week.
The 2006 border jumper total is 7,384.
The 2005 total was 4,751.
PIG-Worthy International News
Source: PIG News Wire [05/06/06]
Malaysia
The three Malaysian desperados began their caper when one of the aspiring robbers entered a cellphone shop in Puchong. Once inside he distracted the shop owner with a "broken" cellphone. He waited until the owner was getting into his work, then pulled out a parang - a Malaysian machete, more or less. The instant the owner saw that bad boy, he bolted. With the owner gone, the robber grabbed several phones from a display, but, before he could escape, the owner returned carrying a baseball bat. The owner landed a blow to the robber's head, and might have hit him again, if the robber's accomplice hadn't rushed in to rescue his homeboy.
The robbers ran outside with their loot then climbed onto a waiting motorcycle. Undeterred, the shop owner returned with his trusty bat. This time, the bad guys managed to slash him with their parang, but their getaway careened off the rails when they crashed their ride. In a heartbeat some civilians grabbed the desperados. The ultimate indignity came when they discovered that all they managed to steal were some dummy cell phones.
Iran
Is it just us, or do those wacky Iranians go out of their way to prove they reside in the heart of the Twilight Zone? We seriously doubt that it's just us, and we have the means to prove it. This week, worried that they might stray into PIG's girlieman bull's-eye, the fearless leader of Iran's Physical Education Organization, Mohammad Ali-Abadi black flagged girlie-looking "footballers" (soccer players by any other name).
"I will ban athletes with an effeminate look. It is really disgraceful for Iran that young people step onto fields wearing make-up. When a man enters the field with dyed hair and groomed eyebrows he is disrespecting society." (Ali-Abadi as quoted by AFP)
PIG predicts that, some-damn-how, this is blight on Iranian manhood is - drum roll - perpetrated by those dastardly infidels. "Jihad! Jihad!" Which part of "bite me" doesn't this clown understand?
The Sandbox (Saudi Arabia)
A certain Sandbox horndog waited for his lawful spouse to nod off, then slipped down to the Filipino maid's office to sample her, uh, charms. He probably should have brushed up on his bedside manner, because the maid was far from thrilled by the horndog's sexual demands. Instead of falling into his arms, she snatched up a knife and whacked off his little soldier. Ouch!
Call us names if you must but we think this clown got what he deserved. The reason he lost his head - both of them - was his own damn fault. That's what happens when you foolishly stick your little head's, uh, nose where it wasn't wanted.
England
Brit Health Nazis are, systematically, exterminating the venerable ice cream vendor by implementing laws that make all Brit cess-schools "no cruise zones" for the shrinking number of ice cream vans.
'...Under an amendment to the Education and Inspection Bill to be put forward this week, local authorities will be given new powers to stop ice-cream vans from operating near school gates. The move comes as operators claim that they are already being forced out of business by an over-zealous health lobby...' (Times of London)
The bureaucrats are properly sympathetic when told of the industry's dire straits - the Ice Cream Alliance went from 20,000 members in the 1960's to a paltry 700 members now. That's a damn shame, the bureaucrats agree, but they console themselves with the mantra favored by all petty tyrants: "It's for the children." We are profoundly unamused that these Brit Health Nazis are robbing childhood of another of its charms - the ice cream van. It's time for England's rational adults to tell all these Brit Korrectniks to "knock it the hell off".
England II
Aron Morrison proved, conclusively, that he isn't the brightest bulb on the tree when he gave his name and phone number with his victim. Aron started out as well as can be expected when he bagged a bottle of vodka and hid it inside his sleeve. His caper hit a fetching speed bump when he allowed himself to be distracted by the Co-op store's checkout clerk hottie. Temporarily setting aside his thievery, he "chatted up the checkout operator and left her his name and his mobile phone number". Somewhere along the line his thievery was detected and, thanks to his horndog antics, he was quickly tracked down by the proper authorities.
Aron's shyster wench insists that Aron's antics aren't, entirely, his fault. He's a drug addict - heroin - whose differently-law abiding antics are perpetrated while he's loaded, or seeking a way to finance his next fix. Nice try, shyster slut, but we think he's a self made moron whose crimes include - but are not limited to - letting his little head overule his synaptically-challenged big head.
England III
When Laura Partington caught a burglar in the act, the feisty 23 year old Brit snatched up a saucepan and proceeded to thrash Ibrahim El-Hamady with it until the pan broke. Far from finished, Laura grabbed another pan and continued her painful "Thou shalt not steal" lesson while Ibrahim tried to get the hell way from this pan-wielding hellcat. Eventually, Laura's panning took it's toll, so she dragged him to nearby CCTV camera, called the cops on her cell phone and kept her prisoner "subdued" until the cops arrived to liberate Ibrahim.
When Laura arrived in court, Judge Jamie Tabor QC praised Laura and told Ibrahim, "I suspect many right-thinking people regret she didn't hit you harder." PIGish to the core, we second the judge's opinion and salute Laura "The Panner" Partington for "pounding" some sense into Ibrahim.
Canada
They're called the Hutterites and they abide in the Wilson Colony near Coaldale in Alberta province. Their beliefs did a header into the Canadian Nanny State when the state insisted on each Hutterite driver having his, her, hisher or its picture on their driver's license. "No way, Nanny State Sparky" the Hutterite's replied, explaining that their interpretation of the Tome's Second Commandment makes it a sin to have their picture taken. "Get over it" the Nanny State minions replied, spewing hot air about identity theft and fraud.
This week, an Alberta Court of Queen's Bench ruled on the matter and banged the gavel for the Hutterites. Unless Alberta bureaucrats take this up Canada's judicial food chain, they'll be forced to issue the Hutterites licenses without a photo. File this one under "no harm, no foul" in your north of the border news archives.`
Scotland
A member of the Scotland's parliament thrilled "activists" spitless when he suggested that drug addicted women should be given methadone laced with contraceptives. He's doing it - as you'd expect - for Scotland's 50,000 children who live with "drug-abusing adults". You don't need Nostradamus to predict that the usual suspects when postal, big damn time. One "human rights" shyster invoked the Third Reich with prose about "hints of the agenda in Nazi Germany, with people getting sterilized". A hack from the Scottish Socialists called the notion "stupid, pathetic, and ignorant of the real problems that exist in drug abuse."
The man with the plan, Duncan Mc Neil, justifies his notion with this prose:
"Why are we in a situation where so many of those who are addicted to drugs are having children?" He spoke of the dangers of HIV and Aids and went on: "There are dangers to the mother and child from a difficult pregnancy. As a first step, we need to explore putting some form of oral contraception in methadone, or using other methods. That way, we could reduce this problem and prevent some of those children coming to harm." (Herald)
Am I the only one struck by the irony that this story hit the PIG News cycle on Mother's Day? Probably, but I can stand it if you can.
International News Roundup
Source: PIG News Wire [05/05/06]
Bolivia
Bolivian President Evo Morales borrowed a page from Hugo Chavez playbook this week when he nationalized Bolivia's energy industry. For those who obsess on such things, here are the Cliff Notes:
'...His sudden decision to send troops to guard dozens of plants, refineries and pipelines and give foreign companies including Brazil's Petrobras, Spain's Repsol-YPF, BP and British Gas and Total of France six months to renegotiate their contracts or get out, signalled a tougher stance as he marks 100 days in office. And it underlined a growing affinity with the Venezuelan President, Hugo Chavez, who has also cracked down on foreign firms. Though a tiny, landlocked country, Bolivia is an energy powerhouse with the second-largest gas reserves in South America behind Venezuela. Neighbouring countries rely heavily on its gas exports, and prices can now be expected to rise...' (Independent)
The upside to this move is obvious, since all the foreign companies get to keep is a puny 18% of their rightful profits. Given the new political environment, President Morales will soon be faced with the downside, a reluctance on the part of international energy firms to help Bolivia explore for and/or develop its energy reserves. Maybe Hugo will send some of his homeboys to help his commie pal Evo Morales play oil-rich despot.
Iran
According to the Iranian Student News Agency, this differently-rational country is issuing more threats. This time out, an Iranian Revoluntionary Guard Commander - Mohammad Ebrahim Dehghani - is promising that Iran will respond to any American attack by attacking Israel. That's right, Israel. Why try to get at Uncle Sam half the world away, when Israel is in the neighborhood and "begging" to be attacked. It's no longer guesswork, PIGsters. We now know where the spark that starts World War III will occur.
UPDATE: The Iranian military tried to distance itself from Commander Dehghani's irrational prose. The Iranian military doesn't deny that Commander Dehghani spouted this drivel. However, they do flatly deny that "his personal views" reflect existing Iranian military policy. If you live in, or have friends in, Israel, be advised that continuing work on that nuke proof bomb shelter is still an idea whose time has come.
Brazil
Technically a "man" a Brazilian desperado demonstrated his mama's boy credentials while he was trying to rob an electronics shop. He was doing a credible job of acting like a badass, until the cops arrived. After the requisite threats to his hostages he showed his true colors: He refused to cooperate, until he called - drum roll - his mommy. After a chat with mom, he released his hostages and accepted accommodation in Sao Paulo's graybar hotel.
Skagerrak Sea (Between Denmark and Norway)
The Brits are scratching their heads over a homeless dude from London who was found floating on a raft in the seas near Denmark and Norway. The dude claims he was hitching a ride on a seagoing craft and they set him adrift in mid ocean. That sounds plausible enough, but we think there's a better explanation. Any fool can see that the Brits are pioneering a bold new solution to their homelessness problem. L. A. might want to try this scheme, now that a federal court banned them from rousting people who are sitting, lying or sleeping on public streets. Why not buy some rafts and aim those homeless Angelenos toward Japan?
Italy
The new Italian parliament is in a tizzy thanks to a GLAAD BAAG named Vladimir Luxuria. An avowed drag queen and a staunch GLAAD BAAG rights defender heshe is having a panty-twisting hissy fit because at least one member of the Italian parliament suggested that they deploy special bathrooms for all 'transgender politicians in Italy and all of Europe". Since Luxuria is the only one who fits that description that means deploying a head for hisher exclusive use. Luxuria found the notion so outrageous, heshe went publically postal, spewing insane drivel about - we're not making this up - "toilet apartheid":
"There are many difficult moments in the life of a transgender and even some embarrassing ones, like the use of public bathrooms. Maybe we go to the ladies' toilet because the men get embarrassed...The apartheid of urinary segregation is not an issue that moves me particularly. I don't want the privilege of having a toilet all to myself."
Why is all this GLAAD BAAG fun confined to Italy? PIG News dares to opine that what Capitol Hill needs is a bevy of drag queens to liven up those terminally boring legicrap sessions. A few heshe congressdweebs and senators would put C-Span ratings through the roof and make those cable channel blights number one with a bullet on the Neilsen Ratings.
England
PIG News correspondent Andrew brings us the good news that a schoolyard name calling incident - "Zero Tolerance Makes Landfall in Britain", dated 04/07/06 in this section - is now closed. For those who need a refresher on this story, here is an excerpt from PIG New's earlier story:
The 10 year old lad did a header into Brit zero tolerance on the school's playground, after he persisted in showering an 11 year old lad with verbal abuse such as: "Paki", "nigger" and "Bin Laden". The lad owns up to "Paki", but insists that he never used the other two terms. Big fun, but it gets better.
The school dealt with this youthful name-calling so efficiently, that the two lads became best friends. In a rational world, the matter would end there, but, despite protests from the lads' parents and school officials, Brit justice officials insist on exacting a pound of flesh from the 10 year old.
After the judge blistered the Crown Prosecutors for their antics, he gave the CPS time to 'enjoy' the well-deserved public derision over this insane impulse to nail a 10 year old lad for a school yard incident. This week, the CPS finally pulled its collective head from its butt and withdrew the case. Instead, the 10 year old lad - who is best chums with his former rival - will admonished with a stern warning.
APRIL 2006
Stories From The Twilight Zone
Source: PIG News Wire [04/28/06] Brazen Iranian Hussies
The liberty-hating dolts who infest Iran are up to their usual tricks. Empowered by their piety, the humor-challenged Iranian police are determined to crack down on brazen Iranian hussies who - gasp - don't properly cover their hair, or wear coats that fit tightly enough to determine that the wearer is, presumably, human. Failure to comply with the Twilight Zone outpost's dress code can earn the brazen hussy prison, a fine, or a lashing with a whip.
Soccer Audience Goes Co-ed
This week, Iran's presidential wingnut cut Iranians of the female persuasion some slack. Paying an unplanned visit to objective reality, Mahmoud issued a decree allowing Iranians who had the bad luck to be born female in that bastion of irrationality to attend soccer games for the first time since 1979. Mahmoud justifies his decision with this prose:
"The presence of families and women will improve soccer-watching manners, and promote a healthy atmosphere. They will be allocated some of the best stands in stadiums."
Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
Mullah's Go Postal Over Females in the Soccer Stands
Those paragons of irrationality, the Iranian Mullahs, are going publically postal over Mahmoud's decision to allow Iranians who had the bad judgement to be born female to attend soccer matches. For starters, the Mullahs bluster, 'it violates Islamic law for a woman to look at the body of a male stranger' (BBC). They rave on that, no matter how innocent their intentions, it's sinful for men and women to look at each others bodies. Will the mere presence of females in the soccer stadium stands lead to a tidal wave of Iranian sexual depravity? Probably not, but if it does, we're begging our international readers to send us all the spiffy, sex-crazed Iranian wench images.
Nifty International News Nuggets
Source: PIG News Wire [04/26/06]
Turkey
Veysel Dalci landed in some very hot water, but, while it's true that Veysel is a Turk, the hot water in question is no Turkish Bath. The leader of a local branch of Turkey's ruling Justice and Development Party, Veysel's political star seemed to be ascending when he was given singular honor on Turkey's National Sovereignty Day. Tragically, his political career went from hot to hellish while he was laying a wreath at the monument of Turkey's "revered founder", Kemal Ataturk. And what, you ask, did Veysel do at this pinnacle of his career to put it all in the crapper? He got caught chewing gum, which is, for reasons we won't try to understand, a criminal offense. That's right PIGsters, Veysel was busted for chewing gum while laying the wreath, an infraction that was deemed to be "disrespectful" of the esteemed Kemal Ataturk. Since Kemal achieved room temperature in 1938, we seriously doubt that he's in any condition to be offended by a gum chewing political hack.
China
The bad news for horndogs who have a letch for Chinese yum-yum is that there are a lot more male than female tykes being born in China. The good news for horndogs who have a letch for Chinese yum-yum is that the wenches who eluded the on-going "boys rock" gender preferences are sporting more impressive cleavage. According to a Hong Kong bra maker, they are manufacturing a lot more C and D cup bras these days, because the average Chinese wench's sweater puppies are getting bigger. We know what you're thinking skeptical Sparky and, this time you're wrong. These bigger, bolder sweater puppies are home grown, not high tech. There's a long, boring explanation about better nutrition and more exercise, but who gives a rip about that crap? Rambunctious C or D cup sweater puppies are spiffy and you can quote us.
Belgium
The European Court of Justice went GLAAD BAAG bonkers with a ruling allows a Brit transsexual to be treated as a female instead of a male for pension purposes. This means shehe can collect the pension at age 60 with original equipment women instead of 65 with the guys:
'...According to the court ruling, "the right not to be discriminated against is one of the fundamental human rights" and "the court finds the unequal treatment" of Richards is based "on her inability to have a new gender following surgery"...' (Reuters)
This case isn't breaking new ground, since the Brits when over to the dark side on the generally-confused, in recent years. Nad-nippers can now get a "gender recognition certificate" that makes their altered state street legal. Also, starting in 2010, the Brits will gradually increase the pension age for females to bring it into line with males by 2015.
Parasites Demand Bigger House
Source: The Sun (UK) [04/17/06]
Sue McFadden and her brood - 3 adult daughters and 6 grandchildren - have a problem and, so far, the local council isn't doing anything to make their life spiffy. Due to various maladies, only one of the adults in the house is gainfully employed. That's why the McFadden clan plunders Cheshire taxpayers for £32,000-a-year in benefits (about $50,000 a year in dead presidents). According to Sue McFadden, the three bedroom house provided by the Nanny State is grossly inadequate and, since dividing up the clan is unthinkable, she want's a much bigger house - 10 bedrooms, with "a luxury show room, two bathrooms and a plus fitted kitchen, preferably in the 'posh suburbs of Cheshire'.." (Sun). The local council wasn't willing to go that far, but they did offer her an upgrade to a six-bedroom house. Sue turned that one down since it's on the same road as her ex-husband. Whine, whine, whine.
The Cheshire council needs to grow a pair and stop coddling these parasites. If the McFadden Clan wants better digs they can get off their wefare queen butts, get jobs, and try to earn enough money to buy their own damn housing. Until then they should shut their pie holes and be thankful that Cheshire's rational adults don't throw them out on their welfare-loving cookies.
Misplaced Priorities In The Brit Healthcare Cabal
Source: PIG News International Correspondent Andrew [04/15]
Brit healthcare officials, like all job for life bureaucrats, have a tenuous grasp of reality. This contention is demonstrated by their response to two cases that made the Brit news cycle. The first case involves a Brit woman suffering from breast cancer. When she insisted on being treated with a life saving drug named Herceptin, the NHS bean counters pleaded poverty and refused her request because her cancer wasn't lethal enough, yet. In other words, she could have it, but only after her cancer was too advanced to make the drug useful. The woman was compelled to stage a prolonged court fight to get the life saving drug to treat her breast cancer and, ultimately, she prevailed.
Against that background, we share the details of a second case, and urge you to compare the NHS response here, to the life and death struggle we just cited. This case involves a Brit who calls herself Tanya Bainbridge. She needs £2,500 laser surgery to remove tattoos that she now deems "unladylike", tattoos that Tanya got in the Royal Navy when she was using her original name Brian Bainbridge. That's right PIGsters, Tanya/Brian is a real deal girlieman. Unlike the female patients who require a drug to keep them alive, Tanya/Brian wants the laser surgery because her tattoos give her a psychological boo-boo:
"I understand that spending NHS cash on removing my tattoos might be controversial but it is essential for my well-being. I have suffered from depression and the tattoos are not very ladylike. I know there are cancer patients who can't get funding on the NHS, and I can see their side, but it is my life and I am entitled to this as much as anyone else." (Tanya/Brian as quoted by Manchester Evening News)
One of the aforementioned breast cancer patients put Tanya/Brian's antics in perspective with this prose:
"Having tattoos is a personal choice. Being diagnosed with cancer is not. Funding for life-saving treatment should take precedent over funding for cosmetic treatment. Trusts say that the money is not there - surely there should be some sort of prioritization." (Cancer patient Amanda D'argue as quoted by the Manchester Evening News)
The smoking gun on misplaced NHS priorities is this gem: in 2001, this Brit socialized medicine cabal shelled out £20,000 in medical services when it gave Tanya/Brian herhis sex change operation. The NHS has ample money for sex changes but can't find the room temperature royals (Brit funny money) for some life saving drugs? We'll close with these well chosen words from our international correspondent, Andrew: "Here we have thousands of pounds of taxpayers money thrown at someone who now can't seem to live with the choices they made in life." Truer words, PIGsters...truer words.
International News Nuggets
Source: PIG News Wire [04/15/06]
Mexico
The dude selected to portray the Cross Dude during Mexico City's venerable re-enactment of the crucifixion found out, the hard way, why the Roman's used nails to affix their victim to the cross. While he was being brought down from the cross he did a header from his lofty perch - about 10 feet off the ground. After verifying that the laws of gravity still work, even in Mexico, our hero landed in a local hospital, instead of the crypt, as originally scripted for this annual Easter Drama.
Iran
Based on recent events, it seems safe to assume that most Iranians prefer to stay upwind of their Presidential lunatic, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. This tidbit came to light when news broke that some rational Iranian sent Mahmoud a text message advising Mahmoud to introduce himself to a bar of soap and some water. Far from thrilled that someone dared to tell him his hygiene left much to be desired, Mahmoud did what comes naturally: he fired the head of the phone company; he had four people arrested; and, he accused the group of conspiring with the Israelis.
The entire PIG staff got a good laugh out of this Mister Stinky adventure.
England
The relevant bureaucrats in Bristol think that Beatrice Ball would make a spiffy juror, so they requested her presence at the Bristol Crown Court on June 5. Beatrice's mum, Sam, shares their enthusiasm for her precocious daughter's intellect but is forced to remind these Bristol boneheads that, at age 4, Beatrice is otherwise occupied with essential tyke tasks like eating her veggies, washing her face and hands, plus taking her naps.
After their reality check from Beatrice's mum, the Bristol bureaucrats decided that they can wait until Beatrice attains the relevant age, before seeking her vast wisdom in a Brit courtroom. That sounds sensible to us, although, based on the rulings coming from certain Brit courts, they'd be well advised to bypass the usual red tape and put Beatrice on the bench immediately, where she'd be, by comparison, a virtual Einstein.
The Aussie Cheerleader Cutie Cover-Up
Source: PIG News Wire [04/15/06]
Trotting out that tired Korrectnik bovine excrement about girls getting a bad body image, the pinheads in Gymnastics Australia banned cheerleaders from baring their midriffs. "We don't want the girls to feel under pressure to lose weight because of uniforms." (Nerine Cooper, a national cheerleading program manager). We know what you're thinking and we feel your pain. Like you, we eagerly await our first look at the new porker friendly cheerleader moo-moo. That's gonna be a show stopper.
Nifty International News Gems
Source: PIG News Wire [04/12/06]
Jerusalem (Israel)
We can't resist this epic about Ultra-Orthodox Jewish hacks who are waging a cyber-war on Israeli-based porn web sites. Israeli porn sites? Okay, that probably doesn't violate any known physical laws, no matter how unlikely it seems to the merely mortal. But, "Ultra-Orthodox Jewish hackers" is, in our PIGish opinion, straight out of the Twilight Zone. Whatever the case, these terminally-pious hackers, the Da-Net group, replace a porn site's booty wares with the stern, "What are you looking at scumbag" countenance of 'the white-bearded Rabbi Menahem Mendel Schneerson', a dude who still strikes terror in horndog hearts, despite his transition to room temperature.
Leiden (Netherlands)
Fighting the teeming throng is bad enough without the god-awful noise that made commuting through the Dutch city of Leiden's railway station its own special circle of hell. The din was perpetrated by a tone-deaf musician whose discordant sounds turned his saxophone into an instrument of torture. The cops warned him, repeatedly, to knock it off and took his evil implement away from him until he agreed to cease and desist. Each time he agreed, then started up again, so this time, the cops took the man's hellish sax away with them. Nice try, but this clown can always buy another saxophone to abuse.
Berlin (Germany)
Karl-Friedrich Lentze just painted a justice system bull's-eye on a dastardly critter that, willfully, endangers human health through heart attacks, obesity and strokes. This critter is, according to Karl, one of the foremost perpetrators of chocolate addiction, especially at this time of year. That's right, PIGsters, Karl wants the proper authorities to track down and arrest the Easter Bunny. The following quotes tell you all you need to know about Karl's mental health:
The Easter Bunny is a sadistic and unscrupulous offender who preys on people's sweet tooth. "Find this evil bunny, handcuff his paws and remove him from shops in time for Easter." (Karl Lentze)
German prosecutors promise "to act upon the complaint with speed and diligence". They'd do better to advise Karl to take his medication and increase the voltage on his shock treatments. It's the only known cure when an intellectual flat-liner is hearing "the voices".
Olenvod (Eastern Russia)
Three Ruskie fisherman were on their way to perpetrate their differently-legal brand of fishing, when they managed to blow up the train on which they were riding. We're not told how, or why, the dynamite that's the critical element in their fishing style ignited, but ignite it did, bringing the train ride to an untimely halt.
For those who just beamed in from Pluto, here are the Cliff Notes on fishing with dynamite: take one stick of dynamite, light the fuse; throw it into the water; collect the fish that float to the surface after they get stunned by the resulting explosion.
International Incident Down Under
Source: New Zealand Herald [04/09/06]
A Kiwi department store named "Farmers" has panties in a wad because it hired some Australian models to pose for its lingerie and clothing advertising photographs. Why, New Zealanders are demanding, doesn't Farmers want to use Kiwi models in its advertisements and catalogues? Are these Farmers capitalists trying to say that Aussie women are more photogenic than Kiwi women? Farmers' head of marketing, Dean Cook, denies the charge, but certain salient facts seem to tell a different story.
'...World designer Denise L'Estrange-Corbet said Australian models were more popular than New Zealanders for one main reason. "If it fits well on the Kiwi girl you know it will be big on the Australian model. That's the difference - size. They're much thinner over there."...' (New Zealand Herald)
Conventional wisdom seems to paint Kiwi women with descriptive terms like "shorter" and "fatter" when compared to their Aussie counterparts. True or not that's the popular myth, a myth that is - or was - shared by a former Miss New Zealand, Amber Pebbles: "Australian girls do have that same kind of bubble around them as Californian girls. You picture them as being tanned and blonde and beautiful. I remember walking around the Gold Coast and getting ready to feel like a short, fat dork from New Zealand. They were cute girls but they were just normal. New Zealanders definitely hold their own."
Are Kiwi lasses, inherently "short and dumpy"? We doubt it. Such sweeping generalizations rarely pass muster when confronted by objective reality. The most likely reason for Farmers decision, is that, giving Australia's population advantage, it will have a larger group of models from which they can make their selections.
Zero Tolerance Makes Landfall in Britain
Source: PIG News' International Correspondent, Andrew [04/07/06]
A playground name-calling match between two pre-teen lads turned into a court case when the Crown Prosecution Service charged a 10 year old boy with racism. The charge stems from some incidents that took place between July 2005 and January 2006. The 10 year old lad did a header into Brit zero tolerance on the school's playground, after he persisted in showering an 11 year old lad with verbal abuse such as: "Paki", "nigger" and "Bin Laden". The lad owns up to "Paki", but insists that he never used the other two terms. Big fun, but it gets better.
The school dealt with this youthful name-calling so efficiently, that the two lads became best friends. In a rational world, the matter would end there, but, despite protests from the lads' parents and school officials, Brit justice officials insist on exacting a pound of flesh from the 10 year old. This week the CPS's mindless zeal hit a major roadblock when the judge hearing the case called the CPS antics "political correctness gone mad". He continued to chastise the CPS with these well-chosen words:
"Have we really got to the stage where we are prosecuting 10-year-old boys because of political correctness? I was repeatedly called fat at school. Does this amount to a criminal offence? This is political correctness gone mad, it's crazy. "Nobody is more against racist abuse than me, but these are boys in a playground. I think somebody should consider reversing the decision to prosecute. In the old days, the headmaster would have got them both and given them a good clouting. He would have said they had behaved like idiots, given them the slipper or whatever they used to get, and they would have gone away to shake hands."
"I'm extremely concerned that the criminal justice system has gone ahead with a prosecution of this, particularly in view of the fact these boys are now the best of friends. I would have assumed that this would have been dealt with by the school, with parents, and possibly with community workers." (District Judge Jonathan Finestein)
The CPS has agreed to "think it over" then return to court on April 20, 2006 to give the judge their final answer. We're more than a tad pleased to report that the Brit justice system still includes at least one rational adult: Judge Jonathan Finestein. It won't shock us senseless if he adds PIG's Hero of the Week honors to his accomplishments.
International News Nuggets
Source: PIG News Wire [04/07/06]
Islamabad (Pakistan)
Recently, Pakistan's Air Force took a bold step that defies conventional wisdom for an overwhelmingly Mecca Maniac nation. They just went coed by adding four Pakistani wenches to their fighter pilot cabal. After doing what comes naturally when confronted with ethnic pulchritude, our roving news correspondent, Anthony "Horndog" Scott, filed this report:
"In a move inconsistent with Mecca Maniac woman bashing it is likely to result in a fatwa, our erstwhile ally Pakistan graduates it's first batch of female fighter jocks! Yessir, mullahs everywhere probably have their turbans in a twist over this and will probably try to have the ladies stoned or something....These ladies can show up in my neck of Viper land any day and I will more than happily fly in the back seat of the jet I mean....And two of these lady Viper drivers are kinda cute..."
There's not much we need to add to Anthony's colorful report, other than congratulating Pakistan's Air Force for straying into the 21st century.
Iyadh (Saudi Arabia)
During the past 12 months, five Sandbox (PIGese for Saudi Arabia and you should know it by now) women exploited a loophole in the restrictive Sandbox laws that make women miserable. Their minds got so twisted by relentless male domination that they developed a "psychological complex" which drove them to go abroad to have sex change operations. This high tech solution to Sandbox's "men are men and you're not" dilemma catches Sandbox officials and clerics flat-footed, due to the "legal vacuum" on sex changes. Believe it or not, there's nothing in the 7th century tome on which the Sandbox's laws are based about sex change operations.
Dublin (Ireland)
"Sexual orientation cannot, and must not, be the basis of a second-class citizenship. Our laws have changed, and will continue to change, to reflect this principle. This challenge, however, is one that the government is determined to meet." (Ireland's Prime Minister Bertie Ahern)
PIG News predicts a pitched Culture War battle in Ireland, when Prime Minister Bertie Ahern fulfills his pledge to legalize civil partnerships for differently-heterosexual Irish couples. The primary speed bump on the highway to civil partnership bliss is a clause in the Irish constitution "requiring the predominantly Roman Catholic state to protect the institution of marriage" (Houston Chronicle).
Will Ireland join England by giving GLAAD BAAG couples the same state-conferred rights and privileges as married couples? We'll believe it when we see it, but we're destined to wait for this breaking news, since the "experts" who are studying the matter aren't due to report until November.
Datteln (Germany)
A German accountant named Joachim Bahrenfeld did a header into Nanny State lunacy when some joggers whined that his habit of going out into the woods to laugh, gives them a boo-boo. Some motherless moron in a position of judicial power decided to put a stop to Joachim's antics by threatening him with a $7,000 fine or six months jail if he continues his outdoor laughing. Wow!
Mumbai (India)
Somebody - we suspect a plot by out of work tech support specialists - decided to outsource an infamous element of American culture: the wardrobe malfunction. This eye-filling cultural exchange came to light during a fashion show when some Dothead cuties flashed a lot more of their, uh, personality, than the audience expected. One cutie liberated her Sari puppies when her bustier slipped. Another model gave them an eyeful of her fetching boom-boom when the zipper on her outfit went on strike during the show. We're satisfied with the obvious explanation: "Accidents happen", but Dothead officials smell a fashion designer conspiracy to bag some free publicity.
Tangerang (Indonesia)
With all serious crime eradicated, Tangerang cops are seeking out dastardly criminals who perpetrate an especially egregious assault on civil order: kissing an individual to whom you are not related, on the lips, for more than 5 minutes while out in public. Kissing! We're shocked, shocked I tell you. At least one public official senses the public relations nightmare headed his way:
"Please do not dramatize this. We will not arrest people at will as we are not oppressors." (Ahmad Lutfi, head of the city's public order department as quoted in a Reuters story.)
Sorry, dude, the S.S. Derision has already weighed anchor. Better luck next time.
Easter Island Panty Twister
Source: NY Times [04/02/06]
Aside from those weird statues that litter its landscape, Easter Island's (the natives call it Rapa Nui) primary claim to fame is being the most isolated speck of real estate on planet Earth. In other words, Easter Island is farther from the next closest speck of land than any other place on this planet. That might explain why the island's 3,800 denizens are so determined to protect their native culture. Make no mistake, they welcome visitors who come to gape at all those legendary stone statues (moai) that line the island's costal regions. However, an island dwelling capitalist's plan to build a casino on Rapa Nui has native knickers in wad.
They worry - quite reasonably - that a casino would bring a host of social ills to their isolated shores. The idea would be a non-starter, if the natives had their way, but the final decision rests with the Chilean congress, since, Rapa Nui is under Chili's jurisdiction. Will a gambling den wreak havoc on Rapa Nui? When we know you'll know, but, for now, it looks like Chili will green light this den of gambling iniquity.
Another Jihadikaze Adventure
Source: AFP [04/02/06]
A café in northeast Paris - Mer a Boire café - decided to cash in on the European cartoon craze by hosting a atheism-inspired show that featured 50 images by noted French cartoonists that lampoon religion in general. The cartoons targeted all the mainstream religions, including Mecca Mania, but did not include any images of the Mecca Mania prophet, Mohammed. The closest any image came to bitch-slapping Mecca Mania was this goodie:
'...a bar scene, in which the barman offers a drink to an obviously inebriated man who says “God is great.” The caption is: “The sixth pillar of Islam. The bar pillar.” In France a “bar pillar” is a barfly or drunk...' (AFP)
The fun started for real when some pre-teen Mecca Maniac boys showed up to protest the drawings. After the owners refused to remove the images, the lads left, returning a short time later armed with sticks and iron bars. The young art critics proceeded to attack the images, until the cafe's customers chased them away. A short while later, some teenage Mecca Maniac art critics Emerilized the fun when they showed up to warn the café owners that they needed to dump the images or the local Jihadikaze cadre would burn down the café.
Unwilling to be blackmailed, but equally unwilling to see their outpost of Parisian capitalism destroyed, the café owners tried to seek some middle ground by covering each of the images with a white paper shroud on which the word "censored" was written. Already on life support in France, individual liberty is under house arrest thanks to that nation's resident Jihadikaze thugs.
MARCH 2006
International Nitwit Report
Source: PIG News Wire [03/31/06] Ahmedabad (India)
A 60-something dude went a tad bonkers when his wife refused to cook him some meat for dinner. Out of work, and a career boozer, this pinhead refused to listen when she pointed out that they couldn't afford to buy meat. Determined to get some cooked meat one way or the other, our hero locked his wife inside their home, strolled outside, doused himself in a flammable liquid and set himself on fire. He got his cooked meat after all when he burned himself to death. We're reasonably sure that his wife didn't carve up her extra crispy hubby and serve him for dinner. "Reasonably sure", because it is India where stranger things have happened.
Hamburg (Germany)
A German horndog got into some serious trouble when he let his little head do the thinking for him. The fun started when he took a Ferrari 360 Modena he wanted to buy out for a test drive. It all went swimmingly, until he got distracted by an especially fetching hottie. The little head suggested doing something to impress her, so our hero, Alphons Edberg, did that, big damn time. He floored it, lost control - of the car...he'd already lost control of his alleged mind - slammed into a tree, a road sign, and a fence before wrapping the hot ride around a lamppost. The hottie may or may not have been impressed, but it's safe to assume she was amazed that a dude that stupid was allowed to drive anything more potent than a skateboard.
We're sad to report that this fabulous ride is a total loss. We're even sadder to report that Alphons thwarted his richly deserved room temperature transition. We hate it when human gene pool improvement isn't achieved by offing the richly deserving.
Orissa State (India)
The hottest rumor circulating among the differently-rational denizens of India's Orissa state concern's "devil calls" that come from phones with 11 to 14 digit numbers instead of the requisite 10 digit numbers. According to the rumor, if your cell receives a call from one of these devilishly long numbers, you're likely to get sick and/or die, plus your cell phone might explode. Big, big fun.
Although the rumors about death, injury and exploding cell phones have no basis in fact, these differently-rational Orissa primates are running amok while some prankster - the most likely explanation for these calls - is laughing his butt off.
Cardiff (Australia)
Sabrina Pace decided to augment what Mother Nature gave her, so she inflated her sweater puppies from a demure B-cup to an eye-popping DD-cup. With assets like those, we're guessing that her station at the Cardiff rental car firm is very popular, to say the least. As thrilling as all this new attention must be, Sabrina is far from thrilled by the attention she's getting from her boss, David Ford.
Sabrina is so annoyed by her boss's antics that she's taking him to court for sexual harassment. According to Sabrina, he keeps staring at her inflated "charm". In one complaint, she accuses him of saying "You will have to close your cardigan, Sabrina, unless you want me to talk to your breasts." When someone is packing DD caliber sweater St. Bernards, how can you not look at them?
We're pleased to report that Cardiff's employment tribunal rejected Sabrina's complaint.
Herzogenrath (Germany)
A gunned to the gills, 19-year old, German motorist snarled morning traffic when he fell asleep while waiting for a red light. Despite all the horns that blared at him, he kept right on snoozing until the cops showed up to offer him a more convenient place to sleep it off. We understand why they banned him from driving, after his 10am rush hour snooze, but we're not sure that sleeping it off at a red light constitutes drunk driving. Question: Is drunk stopping also a crime in Germany?
Trina (Albania)
On its face, the idea that a city in this largely Mecca Maniac nation would erect a state to a Rosary True Believer heroine seems like well documented Twilight Zone territory. You'd probably be right, unless the heroine in question is Mother Theresa, a woman who is, ethnically speaking, an Albanian. Since she traces her roots to this difficult to find speck on the globe, she's "revered" in this outpost of Mecca Mania. She's revered, but some revere her more than others.
The rubber hit the road when Albania's Culture Ministry proposed that a bust of Mother Theresa be erected in the main square of a wide spot on Albania's goat paths called Shkodra. Proving that irony is a stranger to Albania, several small Mecca Maniac groups whined about the decision, insisting that Mother Theresa's bust belongs in the local Rosary True Believer Toll Booth, instead of the town square. What does this have to do with irony, you ask? The reason given by these Mecca Maniac whiners is that the bust of Mother Theresa would "damage religious harmony" in Albania. I think good ship Religious Disharmony has already sailed, dudes, and you were sitting in the captain's chair.
We're pleased - within reason - to report that the Albanian Muslim Council - the group that speaks for all the Albanian Mecca Maniac groups - told their whining co-religionists to shut up and sit down. Encouraged by this ringing endorsement, Shkodra's officials gave their seal of approval to a bust of Mother Theresa in the town square. Cynical to the core, PIG News predicts that this isn't the end of the story. So, as usual, if anything fun happens, we'll pass it along.
Signs and Portents
Source: AFP [03/27]
While touring a London pet emporium with his children, Ali Al-Waqedi had a close encounter of the Mecca Maniac kind. Not exactly on a par with the ubiquitous Cherry Mama and Cross Dude sightings, Ali's encounter with the supernatural is newsworthy since it's the first earthly calling card from the Mecca Maniac deity that landed in our in basket. For the thrilling details, we'll let Ali do the heavy lifting:
"We started to have a look at the Oscar fish because they had such an unusual colour. Then I saw that one of them had the word Allah. It was so clear, and it made me very happy. Then we saw that another one had the word Mohammed, and that was even better. To see the Allah fish was exciting, but to have the Allah and Mohammed fish in the same tank was unbelievable."
Ali bought these water dwelling supernatural calling cards then loaned them to a friend who lives near a local Mecca Maniac Toll Booth. To date, at least 100 true believers have made the pilgrimage to commune with these scaly celestial messengers.
Jihadikaze News
Source: PIG News Wire [03/24/06]
Tehran [Iran]
The stoned on Allah meatheads running this pesthole finally got one right. In a move that appears to be unassailably enlightened, Iran's cabinet voted to end a pestilence called 'Daylight Savings Time'. After examining the excuses for this asinine time related tinkering, the cabinet pulled the plug after 15 years in Daylight Savings Time hell:
'...[A government spokeshole Gholam-Hossein] Elham said that the decision was initially ratified based upon concerns for daylight saving to reduce energy consumption. "However, specialized survey has not proved that change of time results in saving energy. Neither has any survey showed reduced energy consumption during the first half of the year once the change of time is effected. On the other hand, the official change of time creates confusion in a great part of the community. Therefore, after lengthy debate and consideration of reports presented by specialized commissions in today's session, the cabinet decided against making any changes in the official time."...' (Reuters)
Uncle Sam's Pentagon planners will need the following info when they put the final touches on their scheme to nuke Iran back into the stone age: all Iranian government organizations open for business at 0730.
Kandahar [Afghanistan]
An Islamikaze waited patiently in his explosive-laden ride while a Surrender Monkey convoy approached his position. When the French troops were in the desired location, he made his bid for a virgin-intensive hereafter, but he overlooked one pesky detail. Any fool with a single functional synapse knows that, when it comes to a date with the Grim Reaper, the Surrender Monkeys are notoriously elusive. Our Islamikaze is probably condemned to sloppy seconds because the only person he managed to kill or injure in his attack was himself.
Tehran [Iran]
Iran's Presidential Wingnut, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is shooting off his mouth again. This week's whine is the usual "I hate those damn infidels crap", but we happen to enjoy this dangerously-demented lunatic's ravings. In case someone asks at Mahmoud's long overdue sanity hearing, here is the nifty crazy as a bedbug prose:
"Today they tell our nation that nuclear energy is a bad thing and it is not necessary for our people to have it. But the nation of Iran has stood (for its right). Those who head war and crimes accused the Iranian nation of war seeking. They insulted our nation. I do advise them to apologize. Today we announce with pride that the peaceful knowledge and technology are at our disposal in order to be used for different purposes, including electricity generation, and we have not borrowed it from anybody that can take it away from us.''
This paragon of differently-rational (alleged) thinking wants those damn infidels to "compensate" Iran for the two and a half years it "suspended" it's nuclear antics? I'm sure than can be arranged, Mahmoud. Is tomorrow good for you? How do you want your "nuke the bastards until they glow" compensation? ICBMs or manned bombers? Be very, very thankful that Sgt. Pork isn't the dude with his hoof on the America's nuclear trigger, Mahmoud.
Afterthoughts:
Are we the only ones who are thrilled spitless to learn that, under Iran's delusions of reality, Tuesday, March 21, is what passes for New Years Day on the Iranian calendar? Probably, but that's the price we pay for staying ahead of the news curve.
Kabul [Afghanistan]
"For 30 years, we have fought religious wars in this country and there is no way we are going to allow an Afghan to insult us by becoming Christian. This has brought so much shame." (Mohammed Jan, 38, who lives opposite Abdul Rahman's father, Abdul Manan)
"Rejecting Islam is insulting God. We will not allow God to be humiliated. This man must die...Cut off his head! We will call on the people to pull him into pieces so there's nothing left." (A "moderate" Afghan Mecca Maniac cleric named Abdul Raoulf)
Abdul Rahman's life took a dangerous turn when a member of his own family ratted him out for converting from Mecca Mania to Cross Cultism. His sin against the religion of police was confirmed by the police who were questioning Abdul about a family dispute. The instant they discovered that he had a Bible in his possession, he landed in the religion of peace bull's-eye. Charged with "rejecting Islam" he's facing a death sentence if convicted, a spiffy fact that tells you all you need to know about Mecca Mania.
Making this matter that much more thrilling, he's being prosecuted for this crime against the religion of peace in a nation that we - allegedly - liberated from Mecca Maniac zealots who called themselves the Taliban. It's very tempting to issue a non-negotiable "rot in the hell you deserve" to this pissant Mecca Maniac country, withdraw our troops, and let these 7th century pinheads reap what they sowed. Maybe, just maybe, the Taliban - in all their blood-drenched horror - is exactly what the denizens of Afghanistan deserve. Too harsh, you insist? Perhaps, but the facts say otherwise. A so-called "Moderate" imam who incurred unrelenting Taliban wrath is quoted as saying that Abdul deserves to be killed for his sins. Moreover, this moderate Mecca Maniac insists that the denizens of Afghanistan themselves should murder Adbul if the state shirks it's sacred duty.
That putrid stench assaulting your nostrils is the heady aroma of Mecca Maniac tolerance in all it's fetid glory.
Getting To The Source of the Problem
Source: Telegraph [03/20/06]
A lad's parents were so busy having a good time that they neglected to exert proper parental control over their egregiously truant 15 year old son. They were so negligent that the lad skipped school every damn school day between September and November in 2005. Those days are over now, thanks to the Neath Magistrates in south Wales who found a thrilling way to make the parents pay attention to their errant son:
'...A truant's parents were banned by a court yesterday from going out at night to ensure that their son goes to school every day. They were ordered to wear electronic tags to stop them going to their local pub and bingo hall and must stay at home between 7pm and 7am for three months...' (Telegraph)
PIG hopes this idea spreads, because it's the best way we've found, to date, to get an absentee parent's undivided attention.
Dumb and Dumber Make Landfall in Wales
Source: PIG News Wire [03/15/06]
Downtown Lampeter (Wales) got thrilling, when about midday, a Securicor armored van sounded its alarm, blaring out an urgent plea for passers by to summon the police. Unable to detect the "threat" declared by the alarm, everyone ignored the din for at least a half hour before the emergency was resolved by the security guards themselves. And what, you ask, was their emergency? These bright bulbs locked themselves inside their van and couldn't get out again, because it was just a tad too secure for their feeble minds. Making this story doubly thrilling, the two cops who answered the alarm were unable to see inside because of the van's one way glass. Putting a fine point on this lunacy, the cops couldn't hear the security dweebs shouting, because the alarm was too damn loud.
Holland's New Immigration Quiz
Source: Times of London [03/12/06]
Determined to avoid future Mecca Maniac-related problems, the Netherlands added some nifty new elements to their "so you want to move to Holland" screening process. Like so many spiffy immigration related things emanating from this nation, these new screening measures were run up the flagpole by Iron Rita - Rita Verdonk, Holland's immigration minister. They join other stellar Iron Rita policies such as: 'compulsory integration classes, higher age limits for marriage to people from abroad and the removal of residency permits if immigrants commit petty crimes' (Times of London).
The new screening measures - administered in Holland's 138 far flung embassies - include:
Viewing a video that includes images of two men kissing, a woman bather flashing her naked sweater puppies, images of the crime-ridden ghettos where many poor immigrants are forced to set up housekeeping.
Applicants must answer 15 minutes of questions. Knowledge of Holland's history and culture will be assessed, with questions about William of Orange and which nation Crown Princess Maxima hails from. Applicants will also be asked if they think Holland sanctions hitting women and female circumcision.
Applicants must demonstrate their ability to speak Dutch, or pay for language lessons (a Dutch language school opines learning Dutch would take 250 hours and cost and estimated $2,100).
The total bill for the screening process is pegged at $2600 - includes $100 for the test pack and DVD, plus another $420 for the exam itself.
The usual suspects whine that these new screening measures are structured to discourage Mecca Maniacs from moving to Holland and they might be right. Given the violence-prone antics perpetrated by the religion of peace's adherents, Holland's new screening regime is a very wise precaution. I wonder if Iron Rita would mind giving America's Homeland Stupidity pinheads a swift kick in the right direction. PIG is willing to pass the hat to pay for her air fare and accommodations.
Scotland's Dumbest Criminal
Source: The Scotsman [03/11/06]
Here, as set forth in the Scotsman, are some highlights from the criminal pratfalls perpetrated by David McGregor:
After a dust up in a pub where he was a regular, an axe fell out of his sleeve. His fellow brewskie swillers I.D.'d him.
He passed off a fake £10 note at a store where he's a regular customer whose name and address is known by the staff.
He used a stolen bank card to buy 400 smokes, and get £50 in cash, and it might have work until the store's staff noticed the card belonged to a woman.
Busted for an unrelated offense, our hero was caught with 130 diazepam in his pocket.
A homeowner spotted our hero stealing their jewelry. Wanting to hide his guilt, our hero swallowed three rings, then fell out a window during his escape. He denied having the rings, but an x-ray ratted him out.
After David's latest criminal pratfall, Sheriff Michael Fletcher reviewed this clown's 85 convictions and did what needed to be done. David McGregor will be a graybar guest for the next 28 months.
Bribing Brit Teenagers Into Behaving
Source: PIG's U.K. Correspondent Andrew [03/09/06]
A Brit hack, Councellor Gordon Brown, is determined to do something about all the teenagers who roam the streets, causing all sorts of teenage mischief. During his mulling of the problem, a stray synapse fired and he came up with his plan. He plans to plunder Brit taxpayers to fund something he calls a "good behaviour card" - in essence a cash card funded by the Nanny State. It will be made available to any Brit teen - ages 13 thru 19 - who stays off the city streets. Each month, when the card holder's behavior is deemed suitably "good", the card will be funded to the tune of £25 (for "disadvantage" teens") or £12 for teens in nicer areas.
PIG's U.K Correspondent, Andrew paints a bull's-eye on Councellor Brown with this report:
"Far from our society merely expecting children to behave in a civilised manner (because we adults told you so - free of charge) and coming down hard on those who don't, New Labour introduce ineffective legislation such as ASBO's (anti-social behaviour orders - cost = £5,000 per order through the courts), which are largely ignored - costing even more to police; and then this piece of Nanny State nonsense!
Constituting nothing more than a bribe for good behaviour, it has two major flaws.
* Cost - £25 per month = £300 per annum. Multiply by oooh say one million UK teenagers = £300 million pounds annually, forever?.... Approximately half a billion US dollars. Just to be good. WHAT!
* Money laundering. Unless issued through a policed registration system [and how much is that gonna cost to set up and police?], vouchers for sports activities etc. , become black market currency. (How long before the 'free-market' lobby to allow voucher spending on goods?). Say you have a child who prefers to buy cigarettes with their hard earned for good behaviour 'money'. Simple, sell the voucher for less than face value to someone interested in sport. They pay, say, £15 for a £25 government freebie voucher, Johnny buys his smokes and Mr. & Mrs. UK Taxpayer contributes to discounted Rugby jerseys/trips to the football match ....... great idea eh.........?"
Thanks to Andrew's excellent reporting, PIG has the goods on Councellor Brown's Korrectnik scheme. Bribing Brit teenagers is stupid enough, but Councellor Brown's two-tier payment scheme reeks of Nanny State on steroids Korrectness. PIG News thanks our U.K. correspondent for bringing this story to our attention.
Uncle Sam Blocks Military Aid to Mexico
Source: Houston Chronicle [03/08/06]
"[Mexico] will be irrefutable in supporting the protocols of the international court, whatever the cost. Nobody in the world should be immune from the action of justice." (Vicente Fox's spokesdolt, Ruben Aguilar)
W and his minions don't want to discuss it publically, but there's small, but important, rift developing between America's Oval Office denizen and his "daddy", Vicente Fox. The rubber hit the road when Mexico became "a signatory" to the International Criminal Court whose alleged purpose is bringing perpetrators of genocide and crimes against humanity to justice. Under this law - unless a signatory signs a separate agreement to exempt Uncle Sam's citizens - an American could be prosecuted for crimes against humanity, any time some pissant country gets a wild hair up its butt. Normally, our "friends" sign a separate agreement with Uncle Sam granting him immunity from ICC prosecution, but last month our Mexican "friend and ally" flatly refused to sign an immunity agreement with Uncle Sam, an act of defiance that stopped the flow of military aid from Uncle Sam to Mexico:
'...The penalties [for not granting the US immunity from ICC abuse] involve the loss of $1.1 million budgeted for English language, counterterrorism and counter-narcotics training. Also affected was a $2.5 million program to provide counterterrorism equipment to the Mexican military. ICC-related sanctions have cut the roster of trainees from the hemisphere by almost 800 over the past few years, eroding the traditionally deep military ties between the U.S. and Latin American militaries. Worldwide, about two dozen countries have been sanctioned...' (Houston Chronicle)
By steadfastly refusing to grant Uncle Sam ICC immunity, Mexico could - and probably will - decide that our border enforcement - pathetic as it is - constitutes a "Crime against humanity". As a result, they could grab members of the U.S. Border Patrol and try them in the International Criminal Court. Will Uncle Sam hang tough, or will Vicente W. Bush appease his Mexican daddy? It's too soon to tell, but based on his sorry track record, W will probably do what comes naturally and grovel for daddy.
Payback's A Bitch
Source: Newsweek [03/03]
Once the trendsetter when it came to multiculturalism, liberalism, and cultural tolerance, the Dutch are rethinking their immigrant welcoming policies, in the wake of the on-going Jihadikaze rampage. Newsweek shares these tantalizing tidbits:
'...Dutch borders have been virtually shut. New immigration is down to a trickle. The great cosmopolitan port city of Rotterdam just published a code of conduct requiring Dutch be spoken in public. Parliament recently legislated a countrywide ban on wearing the burqa in public. And listen to a prominent Dutch establishment figure describe the new Dutch Way with immigrants. "We demand a new social contract," says Jan Wolter Wabeke, High Court Judge in The Hague. "We no longer accept that people don't learn our language, we require that they send their daughters to school, and we demand they stop bringing in young brides from the desert and locking them up in third-floor apartments."...'
PIG does not share Newsweek's alarm over what they call "a potentially ugly backlash". In fact, PIG salutes the Dutch for waking up in time to smell the Jihadikaze coffee that's brewing in their own backyard. Better late than never.
Afterthoughts
We found the following Newsweek prose too good to pass up:
'...Dutch Integration Minister Rita Verdonk, one of several top politicians under death threats from Islamists, plans courses for imams to train in citizenship and Western values. She demonstrated what that might mean in front of press cameras in January, telling an imam who refused to shake her hand because of "religious rules" that he had better learn Western customs. "Next year I expect to speak to you in Dutch," she said through an interpreter...'
Rita Verdonk is on the short list for our next Hero of the Week sweepstakes.
FEBRUARY 2006
Venezuela At It Again
Source: AP [02/25/06]
Venezuela is messing with us again, but this time, Hugo Chavez let one of his minions take a swipe at Uncle Sam. The excuse cited is a 10 year old ban on certain Venezuelan air carriers - due to their crappy safety record - imposed by the U.S. Federal Aviation Administration. Whining that the relevant air carriers have cleaned up their act, Francisco Plaz, president of Venezuela's Nation Aviation Institute, announced that his nation will henceforth ban Continental and Delta Airlines completely and restrict American Airlines flights into Hugo's special circle of South American hell.
Proving that they're not regular PIG News readers, spokesdolts from the three air carriers nailed by Hugo's pissant country expressed shock, dismay and surprise. PIG News takes great delight in welcoming Delta, American and Continental to the action packed world of Venezuela's presidential pinhead.
Imposing Islamic Law: How It Starts
Source: Telegraph (UK) [02/19/06]
From our for what it's worth desk, we bring you the thrilling results from a recent survey conducted by a Brit outfit called ICM. Of the Brit-dwelling Mecca Maniacs questioned, 4 out of 10 opined that sharia law should be allowed in certain parts of the country where high concentrations of Mecca Maniacs dwell. This is how the process begins, but it's not the end. After sharia is established for Mecca Maniac enclaves, they'll want to expanded to include those areas where they work, shop, visit and vacation. Eventually, they'll insist that it be imposed on all the Brits.
If the Brits go along with this fetid sharia law notion, mark that ignoble date on your calendar, because it's the day that liberty in Britain started to die.
Surrender Monkey Korrectness
Source: Telegraph (UK) [02/19/06]
Surrender Monkey officials are shutting down soup kitchens because, they claim, these "here's a hot meal, down on your luck Pierre", enterprises are, allegedly, "racist". How, you ask, is a bowl of hot soup, a sandwich and some hot wine racist? According to the usual whining suspects, it contains pork and that makes it a blatant assault on hypersensitive, pork-phobic Mecca Maniacs.
Since most of these maligned soup kitchens are run by what passes for the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy in France, that - allegedly - means the whole soup kitchen menu is a deliberate assault on the "religion of peace". It's contributing to "public disorder" officials claim and they're probably right, if by "public disorder" they mean that a free pork sandwich or pork flavored soup gives Jihadikazes an excuse to go on a rampage.
Are French rightwingers deliberately trying to insult the "religion of peace"? Perhaps, but the proof is far from conclusive. One thing that's not subject to debate is the fact that closing these soup kitchens denies a hot meal to some people who damn sure need it. File this under "no good deed goes unpunished".
Brit Korrectniks Are At It Again
Source: The Sun (UK) [02/17/06]
If the Korrectnik pinheads at the Qualifications, Curriculum and Assessment Authority (QCA) in Wales get their way, classics like Shakespeare's 'Romeo and Juliet' will need to be drastically changed, or axed entirely. Why? Because they just imposed an asinine new edict that bans love scenes like those in this Shakespeare classic. Instead of that eagerly awaited kiss between the young lovers, there would be a chaste handshake, and even that might not make the cut. For those who obsess on those devilish details, here are the no more snogging (kissing) Cliff Notes:
'...The Welsh QCA said: "Drama teachers must think about what gestures and movements are appropriate and cut or adapt plays if they have to. In most cases, a peck on the cheek or an embrace can communicate the required emotion." They also call for strong language to be censored. But teachers say kids see far worse on TV soaps. And they fear the plans will strip classics like Shakespeare’s masterpieces of their meaning...' (Sun)
For now this edict is restricted to Wales, but the QCA's English counterpart is giving a similar edict serious consideration. Why? "It's for the children" of course. PIG News is pleased to report that this ban on "intimate physical contact" during school plays hasn't gone unchallenged. Will sanity prevail or will our Brit friends be assailed by another Nanny State assault on their inalienable individual liberty? Will Shakespeare be banned in the nation that produced this exceptional individual? The jury is still out, but, right now, the pinheads seem to be winning this one.
The Case of the £30 Beep
Source: Ananova [02/16]
While driving his truck, highway worker Nick Lenthall tested the limits of Brit law enforcement tolerance when he spotted seven cops manning a speed check spot. How? He "beeped" his horn at them. Before he could say "damn", all seven cops clambered into their van and chased Nick down. To his amazement, Nick was nailed with a £30 fine for "unnecessary use of audible warning equipment". Ouch.
A poorer, but wiser Nick summed up his experience with this way:
"It was a very light-hearted thing, I was just having a laugh. And I wasn't speeding. But I was stunned when they pulled me over and started telling me off. It's a waste of resources." (Ananova)
When, exactly, did "humor-challenged butt head" become the primary hiring criteria for Brit cops? It's Enquiring minds time, again, in the top secret PIG News bunker.
Another Disarming Notion
Source: Independent (UK) [02/09/06]
"Tackling knife culture, especially among young people, is paramount to the safety of our communities, and I am determined to reduce the devastation caused by knife crime. Carrying knives on the streets will not be tolerated. Every weapon handed in during the amnesty will be a weapon that cannot be used in crime." (Home Secretary Charles Clarke)
The British Home Secretary, Charles Clarke, just announced a 5-week long, nationwide knives amnesty as the best way to deal with the stabbings that resulted in 230 deaths last year. If you own a knife and plan to stab somebody with it, Chucky wants you to do the right thing and turn in that knife at the drop-in bins that will be positioned at police stations throughout the country.
This initiative dovetails with some legicrap plodding through parliament. It's called the 'Violent Crime Bill' and, among other things, it raises the minimum knife-buying age from 16 to 18. Additionally, it allows headteachers to search students for weapons.
Color us confused in the top secret PIG News bunker. We thought that the Brits wiped out all vestiges of street crime when they outlawed gun ownership. Now, we're disillusioned to find that there was no pot of crime-free gold at the end of the gun control rainbow. Are we poised for more disappointment when the Home Secretary comes back with a "blunt instrument amnesty" that will eliminate the rolling pin and tire iron crime?
At Last One Frenchman "Gets It"
Source: Washington Times [02/07/06]
"We no longer want immigration that is inflicted [on us]. We want selected immigration. The system of integration the French way no longer works."
"In the case of a woman kept hostage in her home without learning French, the whole family will be obliged to leave." (Nicolas Sarkozy)
You might want to grab a brewskie and sit down before reading this, because, believe it or not, this pagan scribbler has something nice to say about a Frenchman. The gentleman in question is French Interior Minister and aspiring president, Nicolas Sarkozy. Painfully aware of the scimitar poised at Europe's throat, Monsieur Sarkozy is proposing some new immigration rules for La Belle France:
'...The draft law calls for the creation of a points system that ranks students and workers based on their country of origin and their field of study and work. Workers who could "contribute to the economic dynamism of our country," such as scientists, information-technology specialists or artists, would be given a three-year work permit. Students taking courses that are in less demand would be given priority in obtaining visas...'
'...Those applying for lengthy stays would have to respect a list of obligations as part of a "contract of welcome and integration." These include learning French and actively looking for a job. In return, they would be "protected against discrimination" and given 10-year residency permits....'
'...The law also makes it harder for an illegal alien to gain residency status by marrying a French person. The new spouse must wait three years instead of 18 months to apply, and then prove he or she has made efforts to integrate into his or her new home...' (Washington Times)
Companies that employ illegal aliens would be forced to pay for their repatriation.
A foreign denizen must prove that he has the means to support any family members he wants to join him in France.
Monsieur Sarkozy's plan sounds like it's much too rational to become French law, but PIG News salutes him for daring to take on a thorny issue like the immigrant tidal wave that threatens to overwhelm his nation.
Inspired Palestinian Capitalist
Source: Reuters [02/06/06]
Has anyone bothered to ask where those rampaging Arab Street pinheads are getting the Danish and Norwegian flags they keep burning? We can't give you the answer for every Arab Street riot, but we've got the answer when it comes to Gaza. A Palestinian capitalist named Ahmed Abu Dayya is one prime source, thanks to his quick thinking. The instant he heard that European fishwraps were running the infamous cartoons, he placed an order for 100 Danish and Norwegian flags, so he'd be rigged for action when his Gaza neighbors did what comes naturally.
Thanks to his quick thinking, he's pulling in the princely sum - by Gaza standards - of $11 for each 'rigged for burning' flag he sells. Proving that capitalism crosses all boundaries, Ahmed also provides Israeli flags. Unlike the European flags that come from Taiwan, Ahmed gets his Israel flags from the logical source, an Israeli merchant. Are we all up to speed on flag burning now, the rest of the story Sparky?
The Fickle Finger of Fate
Source: Ananova [02/05/06]
When he spotted a speed camera, Simon Thompson did the human thing and gave it the one finger salute. Thirty minutes after he arrived home, our hero was visited by two of the cops who had been operating the speed camera. They 'rewarded' Simon for his free speech adventure with a ticket. The charge? Violating the Public Order Act by making offensive gestures. The cost for his infraction? £80.
We can't be the only ones who think this "Public Order Act" is a frontal assault on Simon's inalienable individual liberty. Only the Brits would try to protect the 'feelings' of an inanimate object - a speed camera.
International Flat-Liner Adventures
Source: PIG News Wire [02/03/06]
Zagreb, Croatia
Armed, masked, and geared for action, the Croat desperado brandished his weapon at the betting shop clerk, Ana Zurik. Unimpressed, Ana, yanked off the clown's mask, slapped him, then chided, "Don't be such a silly boy." Thrown off his game, the 20-something desperado beat a hasty retreat. Give 'em hell, Ana!
Bochum, Germany
Immediately handing over his driver's license, the differently-sober driver cooperated with the German highway patrol when they stopped him. When asked for his name he gave them what they wanted, a name that matched the data on the driver's license. It all went like clockwork, until the cops checked him out and discovered that the dude who belonged to the license has a glass eye. Leaving nothing to chance, a cop flashed his light in our drunken hero's eyes, noting that both reacted, including that one that's supposed to be glass. A glass eye that reacts to light? Busted!
A modest bit of police work unmasked our hero's real identity, plus the thrilling fact that he'd lost his driving privileges for a prior driving infraction. Book 'em, Klaus.
Brasilia, Brazil
A Brazilian cop achieved room temperature while visiting the Brazilian equivalent of Pep Boys, in the city of Belo Horizonte. The room temperature transition started innocently enough when Thiago Trindade entered the shop to buy a light. During the transaction he laid his backpack on a counter where the shop had some hot tools used for soldering. The heat from the hot tools caused something in the bag to explode, sending Thiago to his eternal reward when it sent him flying at least six feet. Nobody can explain why the bag exploded, and it's just a tad late in the game to expect any answers from Thiago.
Austria's Avian Flu Adventure
Source: AP [02/02/06]
Austrian health experts are breathing much easier, now that they solved the mysterious deaths of all those birds who died doing headers into windowpanes. Worried that the room temperature birds were victims of the avian flu virus, Austrian veterinary experts performed autopsies on the birds. What appeared to be avian flu turned out to be something much less sinister: they were crocked to their tail feathers after gorging themselves on fermented berries. These feathered alcoholics found out the hard way that drunk flying is never a nifty notion.
JANUARY 2006
Big Fun In Venezuela
Source: AP [01/27/06] More than a tad annoyed that the World Social Forum has become the Hugo Chavez praise-a-thon, disgruntled members of the aromatic peace punk horde that swarmed into Caracas picked up their love beads and convened the "Alternative Social Forum". The whining peace punk who organized this Hugo-Free Whine-A-Thon, Luis Silva, spouted this drivel:
"The World Social Forum was born as an alternative. But little by little it has succumbed to political parties and governments. It's acting as a stage of support for Chavez." (AP)
One of the items on the alternative confabs agenda seems to paint a bull's-eye on our pal Hugo:
'...the dissident event is taking up issues that resonate in Venezuela, like the dangers of authoritarianism under a military strongman. The theme could easily be taken as criticism of Chavez, a former paratroop commander accused by political opponents of running roughshod over democratic institutions. It is off-limits in the main forum, said Nelson Mendez, a Venezuelan engineering professor who has helped organize the dissident event...' (AP)
Hugo is such a relentlessly fun guy that even the peace punks can't stand him. It's "Go figure" time in the top secret PIG Bunker.
A Brit Ivory Tower Goes Korrectnik Bonkers
Source: Times of London [01/25/06]
The Birmingham University Guild of Students suspended the Ivory Tower's Christian Union and froze its bank account because these Cross Cultists refused to welcome non-Christian students into their group, but there's more. In addition to refusing to allow Wiccans, Buddhists, Mecca Maniacs, Satanists and - gasp - Atheists into their merry band, the Christian Union dares to use the exclusionary terms "men" and "women" in the group's constitution. Such terminology is intolerable, the Guild of Students pontificates, since it might give transsexual and transgender students the idea that they're not welcome.
This is Korrectness gone wild. It's bad enough to demand that the Christian Union change its constitution to explicitly mention "people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgendered", but demanding that this Cross Cult student group allow the differently-Christian to become members is sheer lunacy. When, exactly, did the freedom to voluntarily associate with whomever you please become a capital crime in the UK?
Playboy Set To Invade Indonesia
Source: CNS News [01/23/06]
CNS News wins this week's "Well, Duh news headline of the week" with this gem: "Muslims Unhappy Over Playboy Plans for Indonesia". This pagan scribbler is thrilled to announce that "Muslims unhappy" is the new gold standard for redundancy, but I'm digressing - yes, again. We know what you're thinking, Sparky, and once again, you're doomed to bitter disappointment, because 'Playboy' - Indonesia won't be giving you a peek at the goodies those Indonesian hotties are hiding from prying eyes.
'...Local Playboy licensee Ponti Carolus Pandean was quoted on Friday as saying the plan to launch an Indonesian edition would go ahead, but that pictures would be toned down and not include nude "pictorials."...' (CNS News)
As much as that might dampen your enthusiasm, it's par for the course in predominantly Mecca Maniac Indonesia:
'...Currently, Indonesian criminal legislation outlaws any material that offends public morals and decency or arouses lust in juveniles. Lawmakers are currently considering new and tougher morality laws. Among the more controversial measures in the draft legislation is one that provides for jail sentences of up to seven years for anyone apprehended kissing in public or dancing in a way that includes "arousing movements."...' (CNS News)
The dude that chairs the Indonesia Press Council wants 'Playboy' buyers to prove that they're "legally mature" and thinks it would be a nifty notion to wrap the magazines in an opaque wrapper and keep them stored, out of sight, behind the store counter. Big, big fun, but it probably won't save 'Playboy's' purveyors from the destructive wrath of radical Mecca Maniacs who have appointed themselves protectors of public morality in Indonesia.
Afterthoughts:
"Booty-free Playboy" is the ultimate oxymoron.
Everyone has heard the tired old claim that "I only read 'Playboy' for the articles." For the first time, I'm willing to believe it, assuming, of course that they're referring to 'Playboy' - Indonesia. Of course you're reading it for the articles, dude. You've got no other choice, unless a Miss Burka contest is your idea of titillation.
Excuse of the Week
Source: New Zealand Press Association [01/20/06]
A Kiwi desperado is trying to elude the inevitable consequences of his antics by staging a very unique defense. Clinton Michael Dermon's shyster insists that due to the highly publicized circumstances surrounding Clinton's capture, he has become a "laughing stock" in the local graybar. The shyster went on to tell a judge that Clinton - we are not making this up - deserves a break because he'll "never be able to hold his head up in criminal company again". And what, you ask, are these humiliating facts that make Clinton's alleged life a living hell?
Clinton's Crime: Breaking into a senior citizens cabal called "Christchurch Petanque Club".
Clinton's Downfall: '...Dearman broke into the club and stacked goods on both floors before being challenged by arriving club members who tackled and hog-tied him until police arrived...'. (NZPA)
The final indignity: '...Dearman had been pictured in media hog-tied and surrounded by elderly club members while they waited for police to arrive...'. (NZPA)
To his credit, the Kiwi judge wasn't buying this shyster spew. Judge Michael Crosbie pointed out the overriding fact that Clinton brought this humiliation onto himself when he broke into the Petanque Club: "In short, if you don't want media attention, behave yourself." Truer words, PIGsters. Truer words.
An Amazing Shyster Adventure
Source: Times of London [01/17/06]
In 2003, a suicidal Brit woman named Christine Ryder persuaded an acquaintance - Kevin Reeves - to help kill her, for a nominal fee. After some dickering and discussing, Kevin agreed to find a hit man to kill her her, setting the price at £2,500. Christine agreed and wrote him a check. When nothing happened, she contacted Kevin who informed her that the price had doubled to £5000. After he got his money he informed her that she would be dispatched during a drive-by shooting on June 11, 2003.
The day came and went, without incident, then Kevin called her with a sad tale. He had to kill the hitman and used the money she paid him to pay the hitman's widow. Bummed, but still determined, our suicidal heroine asked Kevin what it would cost for him to do the deed personally. He hemmed and hawed, then responded £10,000. Proving that stupidity is its own reward, she wrote him another check. Is anyone shocked that Kevin dropped out of sight for few months?
Eventually, Kevin contacted her again, with another sad story. The bank bagged his money in a bankruptcy action but he was still willing to send Christine to her maker if she could scrape up another £10,000. Starting to get a clue, Christine talked him down to an extra £5,000. After collecting his money, Kevin promised to kill her on November 28. The day came and went without incident.
Annoyed, to say that least, that she'd spent £20,000 for nothing, our heroine fumed for a while, hating each moment of her life, then, when her irritation reached critical mass, she called Mrs. Kevin. Mrs. Kevin said her husband explained his windfall as the proceeds from a lottery win, an insurance policy cash payout and something called an Isa. Motivated by this revelation, Christine decided to stay alive long enough to nail Kevin in court. Her successful breach of contract suit landed Kevin in the slammer for 15 months and cost him £2,000 that he probably doesn't have. Are we the only ones who think that Kevin has the stones to ask Christine to loan him the £2,000 he needs to pay his fine?
Mad As Hell In Lithuania
Source: AFP [01/17/06]
A Lithuanian brewskie manufacturer, Kalnapilio-Tauro Grupe, thrilled Rosary True Believers spitless with an ad campaign that features the Cross Dude wearing headphones. The following quote gives you the big picture on this holy roller panty twister:
"Many believers are hurt and outraged that the Saviour's image... was used for advertising beer. The use of Catholic symbols for commercial purposes and especially for advertising alcoholic beverages is absolutely unjustifiable. " (Archbishop Sigitas Tamkevicius, chairman of the Lithuanian bishops' conference)
And what, you ask, does this have to do with selling beer? According to the ad campaign, buying this firm's brewskies makes you eligible for some free music CDs.
Afterthought:
Call me names if you must, but I had no idea that the Catholic Church had exclusive rights to the Cross Dude's image. Learn something new every day.
"Marriage" Banned By Brits
Source: Birmingham Post (England) [01/11/06]
Throughout the West Midlands, councils are getting strong armed into removing the word "marriage" from their registrar offices. This latest skirmish in the Brit culture war is a due to that nation's new edict that allows same sex couples to become paired up via civil partnerships. The following items are on a checklist sent out to West Midlands registrars:
'...* Is your signage correct? Have you considered changing the name of your marriage room to something similar for Civil Partnership?
* You may find that ordering stationary packs for information for couples could be re-named "your Ceremony" instead of "Your Wedding".
* The sign for your Register Office now needs to say Registrars of Birth, Deaths, Marriage and Civil Partnership...' (Post)
Gone are signs like "Crown Marriage Suite", "Marriage Ceremony In Progress" and "Marriage Room". The newly christened replacement prose reads "Crown Suite", "Ceremony In Progress" and "Ceremony Room" respectively. Why? We don't want to give the differently-heterosexual a boo-boo on their fragile egos, do we?
More Brit Korrectness
Source: World Net Daily [01/09/06]
A Brit airline named British Midland International is so deeply mired in Korrectness that they banned Bibles, crucifixes and St. Christopher medals on their flights to the Sand Box (Saudi Arabia). Determined to make life supremely intolerable for their crew members, these Brit capitalists require that female crew members walk behind male crew members. The crowning indignity is the airline's insistence that female crew members wear one of those head to toe moo-moo things Mecca Maniac (alleged) men force women to wear.
It shouldn't shock you senseless that crew members - of both genders - are trying to avoid these flights to the Sand Box like they're tainted with the avian flu. The airlines has that, uh, covered, too. If a crew member wants out, he or she must give up all international flights, an option that costs them a hefty $30,000 a year in wages.
PIG News feels the flight crews' pain and strongly suggests that they dump BMI like a bad habit, stat. On a related note, isn't it time for these Sand Box punks to get over themselves and learn to control their sexual impulses when a woman dresses in something more tasteful than a circus tent? It's not her problem, butt head. It's yours, so knock it the hell off.
High and Dry In Pakistan
Source: Reuters [01/06/06]
The Dutch soldiers assigned to render assistance to Pakistan's earthquake victims are not happy campers. Life sucks, they whine, because the Dutch defense ministry told them that adult beverages are banned in Pakistan and that means they must do without. That seemed okey dokey at home, but now they're forced to watch their Spanish and Brit counterparts enjoy the adult beverages forbidden to the Dutch soldiers.
'..."We were told before we arrived that alcohol was banned in this country or else very difficult to get hold of and we accepted this," one soldier told the Dutch daily De Telegraaf.
"The Spanish drive around with cars full of Heineken ... and the English laugh at us when they show up at our campfire drunk," another Dutch soldier said...' (Reuters)
The PIG staff feels these Dutch soldiers' pain, so we're forcing ourselves to open an extra brewskie or two and drink it on behalf of our parched Dutch, uh, brothers. It's the least we can do to support their earthquake relief efforts. Bottoms up, PIGsters!
Ronald McDonald Loses One In Italy
Source: Times of London [01/06/06]
A classic David and Goliath battle raged unabated in an Italian town - Altamura, Apulia - for five years until this week. The battled ended when McDonalds furled it's flags and closed their doors for the last time. The unlikely victor in this battle is an Italian baker named Luigi Digesu, a man whose panini - bread rolls filled with goodies - won out over Ronald's Big Macs and Chicken McNuggets. Here are the Cliff Notes on Luigi's battle-winning speciality:
'...His speciality fillings include mortadella, mozzarella and eggs or scamorza cheese, eggs, basil and tomato, as well as fèdda, a local version of bruschetta — toasted bread drizzled with olive oil and salt and covered in chopped tomatoes...' (Times)
You'll need to excuse me, but just typing that description makes me hungry. If Luigi wants to open a shop in my neighborhood, I'm there in a heartbeat. Kudos are conferred on Luigi and his devoted clientele who proved, conclusively, that faster isn't necessarily better. Good things - including tasty eats - take a bit longer, but it's always worth the wait.
Adventurer Comes Up 21,600 Kilometers Short
Source: AFP [01/05/06]
Equipped with a state-of-the-art rowboat, and way too much time on his hands, Colin Yeates planned to row the entire 21,630 kilometer distance to circumnavigate Antarctica. According to Colin's plan, this "because it's there and I have nothing better to do" quest would take 10 to 11 months. And how, you ask, is Colin doing?
Colin's grand quest ran aground, literally, a mere 30 kilometers (20 miles) from his starting point when his dingy on steroids did a header into the Falkland Islands. Our hero managed to get ashore safely, but the first thing he saw was Mother Nature dismantling his state-of-the-art, but far from indestructible, craft. Bummer!
Judge: You've Got 30 Days To Prove That Jesus Existed
Source: Times of London [01/03/06]
When an Italian scribbler named Luigi Cascioli penned a tome named 'The Fable of Christ' a few years ago, he had to know that the true believers wouldn't exactly turn the other cheek. Of the assorted true believer slings and arrows that came Luigi's way, the zingers launched by Father Enrico Righi were the ones that made Luigi reach critical mass. Up to 'here' with Father Righi's ranting, Luigi demanded his judicial pound of flesh. Three years ago militant atheist Luigi sued Father Righi for "abuse of popular credulity" and "impersonation". .
Luigi's quest for secular justice got derailed, for a while, when a judge tossed it. Undaunted, our hero went up the Italian justice system ladder and, believe it or not, it worked. Last month, an Italian Court of Appeals ordered the lower court to re-instate the case, but that's just the beginning. The instant the lower court restored his suit, Luigi made Father Righi an offer he couldn't refuse: He will withdraw his case if Father Righi can provide irrefutable proof of Christ's existence by the end of the month. The Judge hearing the case gave that his okey dokey and there it stands.
Will this dastardly atheist prevail, or will divine intervention pull Father Righi's pasta out of the fire? When we know, you'll know. Until then, stay tuned.
Additional info:
For those who obsess on pesky details, here are the Cliff Notes on Luigi's core contentions:
'...Signor Cascioli's contention — echoed in numerous atheist books and internet sites — is that there was no reliable evidence that Jesus lived and died in 1st-century Palestine apart from the Gospel accounts, which Christians took on faith. There is therefore no basis for Christianity, he claims...'
'...Signor Cascioli maintains that early Christian writers confused Jesus with John of Gamala, an anti-Roman Jewish insurgent in 1st-century Palestine. Church authorities were therefore guilty of "substitution of persons". The Roman historians Tacitus and Suetonius mention a "Christus" or "Chrestus", but were writing "well after the life of the purported Jesus" and were relying on hearsay...' (Times of London)
If you take issue with Luigi's assertions, kindly direct your complaint at him, because we so don't want or need to hear about it.
DECEMBER 2005
What Goes Around, Comes Around
Source: PIG News Wire [12/31] Ghana's government thinks it would be nifty if it could lure individuals of African origin living 'out there' to come to Ghana to help rebuild that nation. They're especially interested in luring "African Americans", but there's just one pesky problem. Ghanaian denizens view these properly hyphenated Amerikans as "foreigners". As fun as that is, it gets much, much better. Most Ghanaians refer to these properly hyphenated, Melanin-Enriched Amerikans as "orbruni" which we're told translates as "white people". PIG can't wait to lay that factoid on Je$$e, Sharpton and Farakhan.
Ghana's ministry of tourism is trying to enlighten Ghanaian citizens with a mass media campaign to convince the locals that, despite the fact that they act terminally weird, Je$$e, Sharpton, Farakhan, et al, are "one of us". Proving that Quixotean quests can even happen in Africa, the Ghanaian government thinks they can upgrade Je$$e and company from "orbruni" to "Anyemi", a word that, roughly translates as "brother" or "sister". Hope springs eternal.
File this epic under, "stranger than fiction".
Banned In Devon
Source: Express and Echo (UK) [12/24]
When it comes to unattended rides in car parks throughout Devon (England), Darren Sutton is public enemy number one. During his October 2004 court appearance he admitted to breaking into 28 cars, looting them, then inflicting an estimated £11,000 in damages. Due to his infamy, Darren was nailed with a decree that makes him fair game for any cop who spots our larcencous legend in or too near a parking lot.
After Darren's shysters examined the edict they cried foul, claiming that the broad legalese, effectively banned him from streets that have parking meters. Last January, the court changed the language to allow Darren to travel Devon's highways and byways, but that still didn't satisfy his shysters. During a court appearance this week, they pointed out that, under the strict language of his probation, he was breaking the law by being in court. Why? He had to walk through and/or thisclose to the parking lot outside the court house's only public entrance.
A Brit judge agreed to tweak their edict again, but we think that's a mistake. Why not take him away from those ubiquitous temptations by throwing Darren's thieving butt in the graybar where he belongs?
More Mexican Mischief
Source: AP [12/20]
The border enforcement legicrap that recently passed in the U.S. House thrilled the usual south of the border suspects spitless. The item that seems to have them in a major lather is this border fence that will, presumably, seal off part of our porous border. Calling it "shameful", "stupid" and "a slap in the face" Vicente and his Mexican minions went through the usual histrionics. If it stopped there, it wouldn't be newsworthy, but Vicente got a case of the cutes this time:
'...The government is scrambling to fight on two fronts. On Monday, it announced it had hired Allyn & Company, a Dallas-based public relations company to help improve Mexico's image and stem the immigration backlash. "If people in the U.S. and Canada had an accurate view of the success of democracy, political stability and economic prosperity in Mexico, it would improve their views on specific bilateral issues like immigration and border security," Rob Allyn, president of the PR firm, told The Associated Press Tuesday...' (AP)
I heard this Rob Allyn clown on a local boom box show and he's a real "let every-damn-body in" piece of crap. There are no costs...there are no problems associated with border jumping scumbags, he insists. The costs of the services they use - the diseases they carry, the hospital closings, the schools that are unable to handle the border jumping brat deluge - are nothing more than racist lies. All you really need to know about his asshat is this: he's very, very, very tight with another Vicente, Vicente W. Bush. And now you really do know the rest of the story.
Aussie Korrectness
Source: Sunday Times (Aussie) [12/18]
The workers at an Aussie health emporium - Port Hedland Regional Hospital - took Korrectness to the next level when they banned ham from the Christmas menu. Spouting drivel about "offending" the Mecca Maniacs who use the hospital, officials retooled its entire menu to meet Mecca Maniac dining requirements. No more bacon for breakfast. No more pork chops, or ham, ever.
Why are they so eager to suck up to Mecca Maniacs? The given reason is the high percentage of Mecca Maniacs who use the hospital. That's, undoubtedly, part of it but it's unlikely to be the whole story. The fact is that Mecca Maniacs are egregiously hypersensitive pinheads who start killing anyone who gives them the most innocuous boo-boo on the precious egos. Unwilling to risk having some Mecca Maniac go Jihad bonkers and blow up the damn hospital, administrators did what spineless cretins usually do: They went Surrender Monkey and ran up the white flag.
PIG News is disgusted that this unspoken, but terribly real, terrorist blackmail worked so well Down Under.
Not Your Mommy's Christmas Show
Source: World Net Daily [12/17]
With a name like "The Magic of Jesus" you might expect a Brit boob tube show to be on the must see TV list of every Brit true believer. It that's what you're thinking, guess again. The brainchild of two "illusionists" (a magician by any other name), this show attempts to recreate some of the headlining miracles associated with the Cross Dude.
'...The performers sought to raise a headless corpse from the dead, cure a blind person, feed 5,000 soccer fans with five loaves and two fishes and walk on water...' (WND)
The show stopper, the trick that has those Cross Cult panties in a hyper twist, is a gem called "the Virgin Mary illusion":
'...the performers passed an ultrasound scanner over a woman to demonstrate she was not pregnant. Then, just seconds later, the scanner purportedly picked up a heartbeat, though the woman never had sexual intercourse...' (WND)
At best this is a dubious way to stage a magic show with a suitable Christmas-related theme. At worst it's a deliberate attempt to get name recognition by launching a few Cross Cultists into orbit. Either way, ignoring these "illusionists" seems like the wisest course. As usual, we won't hold our breath waiting for a rousing "Amen" from World Net Daily or the congregation.
"King Kong" Is Racist?
Source: The Times of London [12/13]
Kwame McKenzie has way too much time on his, her, hisher, or its hands, because this Brit pinhead thinks that 'King Kong' is the most blatantly racist film to put on a bed sheet and hood since 'Birth of a Nation'. Okay, those weren't the exact words, but they're damn close. First, Kwame whines that the story will "feed into all the colonial hysteria about black hyper-sexuality". Later, Kwame spouts drivel that 'King Kong' "touches the raw nerve of the Darwin-based association between black men and apes." Kwame is shocked and dismayed that these dastardly racist elements were carried over from the celebrated 1930s version by the 2005 film's creator, Peter Jackson. When Kwame's hysteria reached a fever pitch in this Times of London whine, these words spewed from his quivering "a racist behind ever damn bush" maw:
"...If censors look at violence, sex and sexual violence when giving a [movie rating] certificate why do they not look at negative racial stereotypes?" (Times of London)
Borrowing a page from the Great Amerikan Ethnocrat playbook, Kwame probably sees racism in everything from "do you want chips with that" to the resonant, inherently racist, tone boomed out by Big Ben. The only silver lining to this asinine whine is the spiffy fact that Kwame is being miserable in the U.K. Call me names if you must, but I'm delighted that this whiner is spreading this "King Kong" is racist bovine excrement over there, instead of here. It's not much, but I'll take it.
Banned In Pakistan
Source: PIG News Wire [12/13]
The biggest legal food fight in that bastion of individual liberty - Pakistan - paints a "don't you dare" bull's-eye on a popular cultural festival called "Basant". And what in blue burka blazes is Basant? It's an 'annual festival in which tens of thousands of people fly kites from rooftops and sports fields' (AP). Who, you demand, would object to kite flying? Those chronic spoilsports: hard-line Mecca Maniacs.
These hard-line Islamists whine that Basant is decadent. It's probably Hindu, they pout. They're also annoyed that Basant includes loud music and women wearing yellow dresses. But, Basant's primary crime against Islam is that it's fun and people enjoy it. Unless you're living in a cave with Osama, you already know that "fun" and "enjoyment" are the mortal enemies of hard-line Mecca Mania. Pakistani Islamists simply won't tolerate them, so don't even think about it.
Siding with the fun-phobic hard lines, Pakistan's Supreme Court extended an existing ban on making, selling or flying kites. This just in! "Go fly a kite" is anti-Islam hate speech in individual liberty venerating Pakistan. Film at eleven!
Try, Try Again
Source: PIG News Wire [12/11]
A few days after a Kiwi desperado finished counting the loot from his bank heist, he decided that the bank owed him a lot more boodle. That's when this genius called the bank to complain:
"I'm the guy who robbed you the other day and I want the manager to put some money in a bag and go and stand in the street," I'll drive by slowly and take the bag from you and drive off." (Newsday)
The cops stationed a plain clothes officer outside the bank with a bag, but the desperado got spooked, so he called the bank again:
"I've been watching and I don't like what I see, can you meet me down (the road) instead." (Newsday)
Although the desperado never took the bait, Kiwi justice officials traced his calls and offered him graybar accommodations. He's facing charges of aggravated robbery and demanding money with menace. Apparently, the Kiwis don't have a law against desperados being dumber than a box of rocks.
Take My Wife, Please
Source: Reuters [12/08]
A Turkish dude named Cengiz Esme watched his life go to crap when his wife of 18 years, Gulhan, left on a shopping trip and never returned. That mystery resolved itself the next day when Cengiz's "friend", Mehmet, phoned him: "I've run off with your wife .... You take my wife..."(Reuters).
At press time, Cengiz is still carrying a torch for Gulhan. He's willing to let bygones be bygones and take her back. On the other hand, Mehmet's discarded bride - the mother of his three children - is unavailable for comment. That's just as well, all things considered. If she did say something, we probably couldn't print it in our family friendly speed bump on the information superhighway.
Same Sex Civil Unions in the U.K.
Source: AP [12/06]
This week, as many as 1,000 differently-sexual Brit denizens are expected to register their same sex partnerships. This is now street legal under a new law that "permits civil ceremonies that will give same-sex couples the social security, tax, pension and inheritance rights that married heterosexuals enjoy' (AP). The law imposes a 15-day waiting period, after which the couple can be joined in a civil partnership.
According to this news story, the new law didn't elicit the same visceral reaction that it would get in the USA. That makes the Brits more enlightened, or more decadent, depending on your point of view. That assessment is yours to make, PIGsters.
