---

From Our Get A Room Desk
Source: Reuters [07/29]

While performing his usual man in blue tasks, a Malawi cop noticed a parked car with those tattle-tale steamed up windows. When the officer rousted the car's eagerly squish occupants, he got an unexpected thrill. Instead of hot and bothered teenagers, he found a 45 year old Rosary True Believer Priest drilling, filling and thrilling a 27-year-old Rosary True Believer...Nun.

Rosary True Believer officials were 'unavailable for comment', but the Malawian court wasn't stunned into silence when they handed down 'suspended jail sentences of six months with hard labor' (Reuters). I'm guessing that, if pressed for an excuse, the horny couple would say 'the devil made us do it'. Yeah, right. Tell me another one, irresistible biological urges Sparky.

Booty Baring Border Checks
Source: AZ Central Site [07/27]

Non-Canadian exotic dancers - A.K.A strippers - who want to ply their trade in the frozen north must 'provide photos of themselves with no clothes on to qualify for a visa for Canada' (AZ Central). Am I the only one thinking that every Canadian horndog will be filling out applications for a job with Canadian immigration? Talk about your job perks!

Hung Out To Dry
Source: Reuters [07/27]

Nicosia (Cyprus) denizen Michalakis Zampelas has a lot more than an asinine name on his mind, but, since this dweeb is mayor, his annoyances, become Nicosia's new laws. His Honor is up to here with the fun fact that everywhere he walks, wet laundry is hanging out the windows to dry. Tired of having all those undies - and assorted other garments - dripping on him, he rammed through a new edict that makes letting 'it' all hang out to dry a crime punishable by a hefty fine (50 Cyprus pounds, I'm guessing that's about $75 in dead presidents).

If wet laundry hanging outside to dry is the worst problem facing Nicosia, His Honor should chill out and stop being such an asshat. Like the soon to be fined Nicosia denizens, we are profoundly unamused by this nanny government edict.

Exporting Cross Cult Homophobia
Source: South Florida Sun-Sentinel [07/19]

Proving that Holy Roller homophobia isn't an exclusively Amerikan phenomenon, some Bahama's based Cross Cult true believers showed up dockside to protest the arrival of a cruise ship chartered by GLAAD BAAGs and their families.

'...The protesters, led by Christian pastors, gathered in a square in front of the cruise terminal and chanted, "Gay Ways are Not God's Ways!"...' (Sun-Sentinel)

Cross Cult homophobia must be embedded in the theology, because it appears wherever Cross Cultism sinks its intolerant roots. We are, as usual, unamused in the extreme.

The New Spin On Global Warming
Source: London Telegraph [07/18]

Swiss and German scientists opine that global warming is caused, in part, by the newly documented fact that our Sun started burning hotter about 60 years ago. As thrilling as a brighter Sun might be, on several levels, I'm trying to make that mesh with a story I read last month about 'global dimming'. How can the Sun be hotter and brighter if we're experiencing global dimming? Don't these eggheads talk to each other?

On the global warming front, this Brit fishwrap uncorked this no shit gem from a Brit climate researcher named Dr. Gareth Jones:

"Global warming - at least the modern nightmare version - is a myth. I am sure of it and so are a growing number of scientists. But what is really worrying is that the world's politicians and policy-makers are not. Instead, they have an unshakeable faith in what has, unfortunately, become one of the central credos of the environmental movement: humans burn fossil fuels, which release increased levels of carbon dioxide - the principal so-called greenhouse gas - into the atmosphere, causing the atmosphere to heat up. They say this is global warming: I say this is poppycock." (Telegraph)

I'm guessing that Dr. Jones won't be invited to speak at the Sierra Club before our brighter (dimmer?) Sun burns out.

Rampaging Sushi Slammer Bacon
Source: Mainichi Daily   [07/15]

A terminally bad tempered wild boar went on a rampage in Kobe (Japan) biting off one woman's finger and slamming its head into the butt of another Sushi Slammer female.  I'm shocked, shocked, I tell you.  This puts a whole new spin on the popular feminist canard: sexist pig. 

If the Sushi Slammer homeland's wild boars are sexist, too, maybe it really is something in the water that makes the land of the Rising Sun well-charted "men are men and you're not" territory.

Compelling Quote
Source: Stealth Wisdom News Wire   [07/14]

The following stop the presses quote comes from Reverend Steve Chalke, founding director for a new Brit Christian Academy.  When a BBC news dolt asked if his school would teach creationism, Rev Chalke unleashed this stunner:

Cheesy Chaos
Source: Daily Times   (Pakistan) [07/13]

Italy and Germany are in a dairy product whiz-a-thon because the Krauts have the temerity to perpetrate - gasp - Parmesan cheese.  I'm shocked, shocked I tell you.

For the record, I always get my genuine Parmesan Cheese from that legendary I-talian firm, Kraft Foods.

Brit Cross Cult Antics
Source: The Guardian   (UK) [07/13]

The Church of England threw a major hissy fit, because the Christmas stamps perpetrated by the Royal Mail aren't exclusively Cross-Cult.  Up to here with the reindeer, father Christmas, holiday wreaths, elves and all the rest, these Brit supernaturalists are mad as hell and just can't take it anymore.  The Royal Mail spokesdolt responded with a polite, but non-negotiable, "Bite me":

The Church of England needs to chill out before this pagan scribbler reminds them that they stole an existing holiday dedicated to a pagan god, Mithra and it turned into this Cross Dude festival. Don't make me come over there.

Holy Cow Spit, Batman!
Source: Daily Times   (Pakistan)   [07/08]

A Cambodian farmer raised bovine worship to a new level when he claimed that his 13-month-old bovine, Preah,  licked his ailing wife back to perfect health, after they tried and failed, repeatedly, to cure his wife's chronic illness by conventional, medical means.  Since then, as many as 400 people show up, daily, to have this cow slobber on them...for a modest fee, of course.

Here are two satisfied cow spit customers:

There are, it seems, some people the bovine refuses to French Kiss: '...“The cow won’t lick people who don’t put in their money... and if he doesn’t think you believe in his powers, he won’t lick you either,” Puch Pich quipped...' (Daily Times).  If you're feeling puny, hop a plane to Cambodia, pay the money, keep that 'this will work' vibe going strong, then pucker up for a wet one from this miracle cure bovine.

Hot Handed Brit Quack
Source: BBC   [07/07]

Dr. Hossam Bassiouny's medical specialty is strictly above the neck - ear, nose and throat - so why was he asking a 23 year old Swedish woman to strip, so he could grope her breasts and yum-yum?  That's the question he's trying to answer, convincingly, for a Brit medical cabal called the General Medical Council's professional conduct committee.

The Woman's Story:

His Story:

What this horndog quack doesn't explain is why a ear, nose and throat specialist is doing any patient groping, below the shoulders. If your dentist...If your hair dresser...If your barber...If your throat doctor lays a pinky on anything below your neck, smack them, then run to the nearest exit. This is not a drill.

Bolts From The Blue
Source: Sun  (UK) [07/07]

Three years and twenty miles separate the two homes owned by a Brit couple - Karl and Susan Womphrey - but that didn't stop a certain mayhem minded deity from nailing both domiciles with lightning.

Somebody up there - and we all know who I mean...Old Ka-Boom - has a sick sense of humor.  I'm guessing that  Karl and Susan don't get many visitors on a rainy day.

Target: Zarkawi
Source: Globe and Mail   (Canada)   [07/06]

A terrorist assclown named Abu Musab al-Zarkawi is finally getting the attention he deserves for murdering - including beheading - innocent civilians.  Already number one with a bullet on Amerika's hit list, he's now getting an inspiring taste of his own medicine from certain Iraqi bad asses.

Given the asinine restrictions hampering Amerikan troops, this Zarkawi assclown has no reason to fear Amerikan retribution. But, these Iraqi "insurgents" aren't saddled with any politically-correct restrictions.  When these Iraqi gang bangers find Abu - and they will - I, for one, don't give a damn how they off this terrorist bastard.

Afterthoughts
Don't you love Amerika's way lefty media and the way they spin this Iraqi terrorism?  In their fevered liberal to the max noggins, a terrorist who beheads a civilian is an "insurgent".  Let the same terrorist behead a vast right-wingnut like Rush, Hannity or Gingrich and these media libs will promote the butchers from "insurgents" to "freedom fighters".

---

Talking...Turkey?
Source: Reuters [08/30]

In a bid to qualify for E.U. membership, Turkey is updating its penal code. Ironically, this process might restore and anti-adultery law that Turkey's high court struck down in 1998. The court noted - quite reasonably - that the adultery law was used, predominantly, against women. Now, the ruling Justice and Development Party is showing it's true Mecca Maniac colors by reviving this wench-bashing law.

Wake up and smell the - Turkish - coffee, dudes. You won't impress the terminally-Korrect, NO-NAD infested E.U. leadership with this blatant swipe at women.

Those Wacky Iranians
Source: Daily Star (Beirut) [08/30]

The Mecca Maniacs running Iran continue to torture the country's few remaining rational adults. The student news agency, ISNA, reports these thrilling new police "rules":

'...shops have been barred from displaying lingerie in their windows - with the display ban also applying to "unveiled mannequins with noticeable curves."...'

'...men have also been banned from employment as salesmen in women's underwear stores - with offending shopowners facing the loss of their licenses...'

'...commercial centers and restaurants have also been told not to keep or sell dogs, pigs and monkeys - animals that are considered in Islam to be unclean...'

'...Another rule includes women being banned from taking driving lessons with male instructors unless they are accompanied by an immediate male relative...'

'...all clothes stores will be searched for hidden cameras and see-through mirrors in their fitting rooms following complaints from citizens...' (Daily Star)

There's also 'a general crackdown on women deemed to be "badly veiled," which has seen police in the capital Tehran and other cities round up hundreds of women sporting flimsy headscarves, three-quarter-length trousers and shape-revealing coats' (Daily Star). Iran is proof positive that inalienable individual liberty and a nation controlled by Mecca Maniacs are as incompatible as matter and anti-matter. If you bring them into direct contact - KA-BOOM - mutual and complete destruction.

Surrender Monkey Angst
Source: Reuters [08/29]

The usual Iraqi suspects bagged two surrender monkey reporters, setting off a frantic search in French government circles for a clean white flag. For those who care, be advised that the kidnappers have their panties in a wad because surrender monkey legicrats outlawed Mecca Maniac headscarves in their cess-schools.

Will France post a record-setting surrender on demand time, or will they hang tough and hold out for a whopping twenty minutes? Stay tuned for all the thrilling details, but don't blink our you'll miss their white flag flailing.

International News Roundup
Source: Ananova [08/27]

Item 1:
Drivers in an especially rustic region of Chili report a strange critter that one witness called "a dinosaur kangaroo". If you're motoring in Chili, be on the alert for this unidentified beastie. Where, exactly, was Michael 'The Maggot' Moore, during these beastie sightings?

Item 2:
A Kuwaiti religious leader took one look at the televised Olympic coverage and went postal about the "shameless and undignified" attire covering - barely, according to him - the female athletes. Awaad Barad al Enezi ranted about this international peep show "adversely affecting the morals of Kuwaiti society". What the hell is this dude smoking?

If the tame - by any reasonable standard - Olympics shocked him, he'll have a heart attack if he ever scopes out MTV, certain HBO series, or - gasp - the Playboy Channel. Who died and put this clown in charge of Kuwaiti moral purity?

Item 3:
BBC has its own Olympics coverage furor, a furor that should be titled 'nipplegate'. Certain viewers are, uh, distracted by BBC Olympics presenter Sharron Davies' "prominent nipples". One Brit fishwrap reported that BBC decided to 'nip' Ms. Davies' buds by shooting her from the shoulders up. BNC. At press time, this allegation is hotly denied by this nipple flaunting wench.

Afterthought
Great Zot! I hope they don't get this BBC nipple nonsense in Kuwait. That Enezi clown would throw another hyper fit about the impact on tragically-fragile Kuwaiti morality.

Innovative Israeli Tactics
Source: Reuters [08/25]

Israel's military is poised to make Palestinian street protests unforgettable sensory experiences. Their nifty new goodie is called the "skunk bomb", an aromatic device that will make a lasting impression.

'...The new device, which is not yet operational, releases a cloud so pungent that according to initial tests it permeates clothes for five years, the officials said. Palestinians said such a weapon could be particularly unpleasant for devout Muslims since they cannot pray with clothes that smell and would have to throw them away...' (Reuters)

The mighty skunk bomb is the "gift" that keeps on giving...for years. Call me names, if you must, because I am amused in the extreme.

Sabre Rattling
Source: World Net Daily [08/19]

Axis of Evil, emeritus - Iran - isn't that thrilled about all that Amerikan military firepower parked on their doorstep, a fun fact that led to some Iranian chest-beating. These Iranian blowhards warn that, if Uncle Sam - or his surrogate, Israel - looks ready to stomp some Iranian butt, the bright bulbs in the Iranian military will launch a pre-emptive strike against both countries.

Iranian Blustering:

'...Iranian Defense Minister Ali Shamkhani told al-Jazeera television Tehran will not stand by if it believes U.S. or Israeli forces are preparing an attack. Shamkhani also said Israel needs American approval to carry out any attack. "It's certain to us that Israel won't carry out any military action without a green light from America. So, you can't separate the two," said Shamkhani...' (WND)

Israel's Preparations:

'...An Israeli defense source said, "Israel will on no account permit Iranian reactors – especially the one being built in Bushehr with Russian help – to go critical." The source also said any strike on Iran's reactors would probably be carried out by long-range F-15I jets, flying over Turkey, with simultaneous operations by commandos on the ground...' (WND)

Since those pesky Ruskies plan to deliver enriched uranium rods sometime next year, this Iranian adventure promises to get very damn ugly, big damn time. It's called escalation and it's no picnic. Hunker down, people; it's going to get bumpy.

Make Mine Rare
Source: Houston Chronicle [08/16]

Annoyed by such routine gray bar antics as strip searches, restricted family visits, sorry sanitary conditions and limited telephone access, 1,700 Palestinian guests in an Israeli gray bar announced a hunger strike. Invoking their deity, they dissed their jailors for "robbing us of all our rights, treading on our dignity and treating us like animals" (Chronicle) then proclaimed their hunger strike intentions. And how, you ask, did their jailors respond?

'...The Prisons Service said it would draw on tactics used in hunger strikes by jailed Northern Irish militants in the 1970s and 1980s, such as withholding basic amenities. "Among the various methods we plan to employ is holding barbecues outside the walls of the affected prisons," a Prisons Service spokesman said...' (Chronicle)

"Hunger strike! Hunger strike!"...Barbecue! Barbecue! I can live with that. Kudos to the Israeli Prison Service for their inspiring response to this prisoner protest.

Emerilized Road Rage
Source: Archant Regional (UK) [08/14]

The 21-year-old Brit woman first noticed the terminally-hostile tailgating pinhead while she slowed to negotiate another sharp turn on the narrow, twisting Brit road. When the two cars arrived at a suitable place, the tailgating pinhead got past her and used his Mercedes to stop her. Forcing the woman to stop wasn't the angry asshats best move, because, that's when he found out that however 'bad' he imagined himself, his intended victim was up to the challenge.

'...As the "large-built" man approached the 21-year-old woman's car she got out and he started swearing at her before producing a knife from his pocket. But the woman put her self-defense training to the test, and, discounting the danger of taking on an angry armed man, she grabbed his arm and forced him face down on the ground...' (Archant Regional)

Making good her escape, she quickly tracked down the proper authorities and reported the incident.

Until they find this fool, an international driving advisory is in order. If you're in North Suffolk county and spot a Mercedes dogging you, see if the driver matches this description: 'white, aged in his late 30s or 40s, of large/fat build, about 5ft 6ins, with dark brown shaved hair and a full dark brown beard' (Archant Regional). He's armed and dangerous and needs to be black-flagged, stat.

A Golden D'oh Slam Dunk
Source: Ananova [08/13]

Brit Olympic officials almost made this year's Olympics a horndog's delight when they outfitted their female triathlon team with skin tight white lycra suits that become virtually transparent when they're wet. Discovering their error too late to exchange the damn things, Brit officials hired a seamstress to fit the peep show sports attire with 'modesty patches' to cover each team member's naughty bits. Sorry booty fans, this eye-poppy joy was nipped in the bud at the last minute. Would it help if I told you that I feel your pain?

Occupation Hazards?
Source: Scotsman (UK) [08/13]

Every job has its occupational hazards and for most men in blue, directing traffic qualifies. A Brit cop's day got soggy when a driving instructor named Tahir Mahmood couldn't - didn't - avoid a large mud puddle and drenched Pc Anthony Ellison big damn time. Unwilling to shrug off this watery occupational hazard, Pc Ellison flagged down an apologetic Tahir and arrested him under the charge 'driving without consideration for other road users'. That's right, road warriors, this cop ran the dude in on this bullshit charge, then pressed it all the way to court.

The cops are getting hammered by rational adults for wasting the court's time and the taxpayers' money on this happy horse shit, but they're standing firm. Giving aid and comfort to their public payroll homeboys, the Crown Prosecution Service called this case 'appropriate to prosecute'. Will Tahir get nailed for splashing a cop? Stay tuned, because when I know, you'll know.

Turkmenistan In the News
Source: BBC [08/11]

Thanks to the relentless antics perpetrated by their clinically-bonkers President Niyazov, Turkmenistan catapulted to the number one slot on this pagan scribbler's Wingnut Countries list. His latest antics put all the other contenders for this coveted number one slot to shame.

Despite the fact that his desert nation is one of the hottest places on earth, our reality-challenged hero just announced plans to build a new place made entirely of - I am not making this up - ice. That's right, ice, like those funny cubes some people use to chill their Scotch. I'm tempted to ask what this clown is smoking, but I'm not that sure I really want to know.

Turkmenistan Widens It's Lead
Source: Reuters [08/12]

Everyone's favorite clinically bonkers head of state, Turkmenistan's President Niyazov, didn't waste any time in his determination to tighten his hold on the number one Wingnut Country slot when he issued an edict banning boob tube talking heads from wearing makeup. Rather than spoil the fun with my inadequate pagan scribbler prose, I'll serve it up in this show-stopping President Niyazov quote:

'..."You put too much make-up on female TV presenters whose faces would be paler without it. Her own, natural color is better. Sometimes you even put make-up on the lads. Then I really cannot tell the two apart," he said at a meeting with cultural and television representatives shown on state TV on Thursday....' (Reuters)

Stay tuned for more stampeding silliness from this rustic pesthole. Like you, I eagerly await President Niyazov's next inspiration.

Holy Cholesterol, Batman!
Source: UPI [08/09]

The Ruby Chip Shop in Glasgow, Scotland, is proud to inflict 'the most dangerous food in the U.K.' on its customers, with a 1000-calorie, 46 fat gram goodie named "The Stonner". The deep-fried pork sausage kebab is quite likely, the sausage from hell and the Ruby Chip Shop can't make enough of the damn things to keep up with the demand. The brisk sales seems to be a 'take your best shot' reaction to the Ruby Chip Shop's health warning: "Due to the severe health damage of this fine dish, we can only supply one Stonner supper per customer per week".

If you crave the ultimate artery clogging cuisine, haul ass to Glasgow and try out the soon to be legendary 'Stonner'. Life in the fast lane? Before you ingest the Stonner, perhaps, but not afterwards.

Mecca Maniac News Briefs
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [08/03]

Item 1
It's ironic - and then some - that a controversial religious school named the Islamic Saudi Academy is located in Alexandria, Theocratica (Virginia). Catering to the offspring of Saudi diplomats, this educrap cabal lives down to this pagan's low expectations for Sand Box denizens. Among other things, the usual suspects are shocked, shocked I tell you, that the school teaches it's minds full of mush that 'Judaism and Christianity are false religions'. Am I supposed to be shocked and dismayed?

Supernaturalism is, by its very nature, a 'we're the one true supernaturalist flavor' gig. From this pagan's perspective, the Islamic Saudi Academy is serving up the truth, as they know it. Unless they bag taxpayer bucks from Uncle Sam, this is a non-negotiable 'no harm, no foul' adventure.

Item 2
A United Arab Emirates boob tube talk show host, Sheik Said Al-Zayyati isn't thrilled spitless with certain Mecca Maniac cell idiots. His panties are in a bunch because some Mecca Maniac Cell Idiots program their ring tone to play - gasp - western music like Beethoven or Mozart.

World Net Daily serves up the following Sheik prose:

"My brother, these people [cell phone users], may Allah guide them to the path of righteousness, are destroying our worship," he told viewers. "You circle the Ka'ba, [a holy shrine in Mecca] and the phones do not cease playing Beethoven, Mozart. ..." he said. "This immorality has even penetrated mosques, and therefore we are ask all those who use these devices and bring them into the mosques to be God-fearing. My brother, why don't you put just [makes imitation of simple cell-phone ring] and that's it. Why do you need this [another imitation of ring tone]."

I detest Cell Idiocy, but, this ring tone whining is just plain asinine. Get over it, Sheik dude.

International Driver's Educrap
Source: Reuters [08/02]

Today, we have two international driver's educrap stories for your consideration.

Item 1
A Kraut driving instructor who taught 1000 or more master race motorists how to drive, finally owned up to a world class guilty secret. He didn't have a valid driver's license, 'because he was too nervous to retake the test after he failed the first time – 43 years ago' (Reuters). There are times when a simple 'oops' doesn't cut it.

Item 2
From now on, Turkmenistan motorists undergoing driver's license testing will be grilled according to the newly approved driver's license test. Road signs, traffic laws, speed limits and all that car-related crap-o-la are out. From now on, a comprehensive course in Turkmenistan President for life Saparmurat Niyazov's tome "Rukhnama" is the only authorized road to happy motoring.

'..."A 16-hour course of the sacred Rukhnama is one of the most important innovations in the (driving learning) program ... to ensure future drivers are educated in the spirit of high moral values of Turkmenistan's society," the state news agency quoted a Niyazov decree as saying Monday....' (Reuters)

---

Kraut Crime Update
Source: Daily Times (Pakistan) [09/29]

Munich police are on the watch for an especially creative criminal cabal that they're calling the "boob bandits". Targeting Oktoberfest celebrants whose adult beverage intake rendered them susceptible, this group distracts their victim when a 'busty barmaid' flashes her sweater puppies. While the victim gets an eyeful of them heavenly hooters, the other gang members liberate his wallet.

The cops can call this a crime of they want, but, if the hooters are that savory, the thefts sound to this pagan like an 'uncover' charge.

More Sandbox Stupidity
Source: Richmond Times-Dispatch [09/29]

Cell phones with built-in cameras are banned in the Sandbox, because they are "spreading obscenity in Muslim society", according to the Sandbox's top supernaturalist - Sheik Abdul Aziz bin Abdullah Al al-Sheik (try fitting that moniker on a business card). He's shocked, and then some, that these phones are used to photograph - gasp - desert flowers...(cess-schooled dolts will need to know this is a paganism for A-rab women) without their knowledge.

Mecca Maniac men need to grow the hell up and stop blaming women for their own lack of self-control. If a mere glimpse of a female without her body-obscuring moo-moo is enough to send him into an uncontrolled sexual frenzy, it's not her fault. It's the sex-crazed dude who has the problem. Do I need to explain everything?

The Norwegian Air Traffic Jam
Source: Aftenposten (Norway) [09/27]

The moment Norwegian air traffic controllers in Royken heard that Norway's Civil Aviation Administration, Avinor, planned to shut down their center and move the tasks to Sola, the pink slip-phobic air traffic controllers lost their will to work. It's not a strike, they insist, just a shocking decrease in the employees' ability to perform their job at the required levels. The upshot is that they're sitting at their stations like bumps on a log, ignoring the aircraft seeking their professional expertise.

When is a strike, not a strike? When it's done in the name of public safety. Here's how the air controller union spokeshole explained it:

"We apologize for [the airborn traffic jam over Southern Norway] but we focus on safety. I want to praise all of those tough enough to say that they can't manage to work. It is a safety risk to carry on when your head isn't fully on the job." (Royken controller's representative Bendik Heggelund, as quoted by Aftenposten)

Nice try, dude, but your work stoppage sounds like a wildcat strike to this pagan scribbler. Be a man and admit it, shit for brains. Don't make me come over there.

More EU Korrectnik Insanity
Source: Sun (UK) [09/22]

A new EU edict makes it a crime for ' home-owners to stipulate whether they want men or women in their houses' (Sun) when renting out a room. One rational adult pointed out that this same edict would force battered women's shelters to take in men, as well as women. Another rational adult, predicted - quite correctly - that the most likely result from this law would be fewer accommodations put on the market for renters. Both point out that this gender equalizing law extends far beyond accommodations, since it also mandates that men and women must pay the same price for such things as auto insurance and life insurance.

This frontal assault on the marketplace is intolerable, but par for the course when Korrectnik, Marxist zealots control the reins of what passes for government in the EU. The EU continues to outpace our homegrown Korrectniks in their zeal to render all of Europe unliveable, but never fear, their Amerikan Nanny State cohorts are doing their best to make Amerika as miserable as Europe.

International News Roundup
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [09/19]

Cosmic Ineptitude
A despondent sergeant in the Hiroshima Prefectural Police decided to end it all with a 'bang' due to marital problems, when he tried to shoot himself in the head and missed! Well, he didn't hit himself, but the bullet broke a window in police headquarters and found everlasting repose in a nearby wall.

How, exactly, does a trained with firearms police officer try to shoot himself in the head and miss? It's damn sure Enquiring Minds time in the pagan scribbler bunker.

Terminally...Happy Kiwi Campers
A private Kiwi school raised some eyebrows - big time - when news leaked out that a mega popular science class teaches eager teenage students how to - I am not making this up - brew their own beer. School officials swear that the bottles are never opened by the students, but those parents who want to tempt fate are allowed to come to the school and take home a homemade brewskie sample.

School officials deserve kudos for making science interesting to the students. Can you think of a better way to demonstrate the relevant scientific properties of a process called "fermentation"? I way don't think so, Tim.

Socialism By The Numbers
Source: Reuters [09/17]

Sweden's National Social Insurance Board is shocked by a recent survey's results, because it shows that 40% of Swedes think it's okey dokey to claim state-funded sick leave whenever they're not in the mood to work. The results are worth a quick look, because they are a look into the Amerikan Nanny State's likely future.

For those who obsess on such things, here are some reasons deemed valid sick leave excuses by Swedes:

71% cited family problems
65% cited work-related stress
41% cited on the job conflicts with a boss or co-worker
20% cited a strike by the state-funded child care center workers

Rising costs - sick leave benefits swelled to a hefty 15% of the annual Swedish budget - coupled with lower tax revenues conspired to drown the Sweden's nanny government in red ink. Swedish Nanny State nitwits just did a header into a venerable welfare state truism: Whenever you subsidize a thing - like sick leave - you get more of it. Reality can be such a bitch.

Travel Advisory
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [09/16]

Any dude who happens to visit New Zealand and finds himself in a local adult beverage emporium, needs to read the rest of this piece, before he takes a time out between brewskies to drain the weasel. Why? Because some, too clever for his own good, hack found a way to place whiz-activated 'don't drink and drive warnings' inside the adult beverage emporium's urinals.

Here are all the fun facts on this dastardly Kiwi scheme:

'...Signs in the urinals are heat-activated and will display a message when hit by warm liquid. They will say either: "If you drink then don't drive you're a bloody legend" (with a picture of a taxi) or: "If you drink then drive you're a bloody idiot" (with a picture of a wrecked car). The message disappears when the urinal cools down, ready to be re-activated by the next visitor...' (New Zealand Herald)

When a urinal starts flashing messages at me, I'm calling it a night and switching to strong, black java. This is not a drill.

Afterthought:

No 'real' dude would perpetrate an outrage like this, so I'm guessing that this sick, high tech notion sprung from some twisted, NO NAD wench who decided to terrify brewskie loving dudes into sobriety. We are, as usual, unamused in the extreme, because there are certain places where 21st Century technology doesn't belong, and the urinal tops the list.

Winkie Bonkers In Norway
Source: Aftenposten [09/08]

For reasons I won't even try to explain, four Norwegian bright bulbs perpetrated a book about - I'm not making this up - winkies. According to Aftenposten, the book includes "a unique photo project where 100 men are photographed in relaxed and erect state and data on the size, variation according to weight and height, shape, color and more is catalogued and discussed". First the Krauts, now the Norwegians? Is the entire European continent winkie bonkers?

As usual, I have a question...or two about this twisted tome. What motivates a dude to pose for this boner book? No matter how well endowed they might be, most dudes aren't that eager to drop their drawers and flash their nads for...posterity. Who, exactly, is expected to buy this boner book? It's not your garden variety coffee table tome. Color this pagan scribbler puzzled, to the max.

Don't Provoke The Russian Bear
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [09/08]

"With regard to preventive strikes on terrorist bases, we will take any action to eliminate terrorist bases in any region of the world..." (General Yuri Baluyevsky as quoted by AFP)

A story that's getting little attention from the Kerry promoting media is the likely fallout from the Russian school massacre. Russia is capital 'P' PISSED and that's not a good thing, if you're a Mecca Maniac terrorist, or someone who coddles them. When it comes to payback for crap like this, Mother Russia tends to be a serious bitch. Unlike kindly Uncle Sam, Mother Russia never learned to play nice. When you piss her off, she will stomp you, early, often, and she'll keep it up, long after you stop resisting her. If you're an Osama wannabe, or simply someone who sympathizes with him, be afraid, be very afraid, because not even your deity can save your sorry asses.

Bin Laden Rumors
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [09/05]

The usual war on terror bureaucratic subjects are making "We could capture bin Laden any damn day now" noises, again. This time out, it's more of the same: we're tightening the noose; we're getting closer every day; we're gonna nab him, any minute now.

Been there...Heard that...Same old story. With the election cycle heating up, you gotta know that if W could nab this terrorist asshat, he would. To this pagan, it's just the same old gonna catch bin Laden canard. How many more times can they cry "wolf", before we stop listening?

Mass Transit Booty Call
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [09/01]

Bangkok's notorious nightclubs aren't the only - or preferred - place for Thai college students to perpetrate a booty call. Assorted fun facts make the backseat of Bangkok Mass Transit Authority's #12 bus the runaway favorite place to get your ashes hauled. It's so popular that the transit authority started posting notices to discourage the eager to get squishy lovers.

Too polite to simply state, "Get a damn room", the transit authority notices read: "Thai women should preserve old culture about sexual behavior." Why make it so vague when a simple "Keep your legs crossed, darlin" says it all? Must I think of everything?

---

Compelling International News Nuggets
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [10/29]

Item 1
Unable to resist the sweet temptation served up by two brewskie-vending teenage tempresses - the wenches displayed their wares across the street - two horny as Hugh Hefner on mega-viagra Cambodian Buddhist monks dropped their chastity vows like a bad habit. In addition to dressing better - no more orange moo-moos - the two defrocked monks are, happily, getting horizontal and squishy with their hotties, a fun fact that outrages stick in the mud Cambodians. And they all lived happily ever after? You better believe it, supernaturalism doesn't have a prayer against stellar booty Sparky.

Item 2
A Romanian dude with 5 kids decided to forgo further reproductive exploits so, he - I'm not making this up - gluded a condom to his wang. Eventually, reality set in, so he enlisted medical assistance for his little soldier's glued on raincoat. Doctors, finally, removed it, but it took longer than necessary, because, our hero wanted to keep it. It was -after all - practically new, since he'd only used it once.

The bright bulb didn't do the human gene pool any favors by perpetrating his tainted DNA five damn times. I'm starting to reconsider this glued on condom caper...in his particular case. At worse, his wang falls off, ending his assault on the human gene pool permanently. Sounds like a plan, to this pagan.

Item 3
While in Paris, a Romanian lad met his one true love - a saucy Romanian wench named Elena. Tragically, he had to return home without his true love, but he did console himself with her promise to meet him in Romania...soon. Three long, lonely years passed, until our hero saw her - his Elena - at a seaside resort. Leaving nothing to chance, this time, he proposed and she accepted. I know what you're thinking and you're right. So far this isn't breaking, must read news. Perhaps a Paul Harvey moment will grab you by the short and curlies...

Our hero's wedded bliss express careened off the rails when his blushing bride confessed that she wasn't his Elena. In fact, his new bride is Elena's twin sister, Monica. Monica then explained that Elena got detained in Paris by an accident, making it impossible for her to keep her promise.

Unwilling to accept any substitutes, even a carbon copy like Monica, our hero is divorcing his 'damn close but no cigar' bride so he can marry his Elena. I strongly suggest that our hero rethink this hasty decision. Why not keep both? If his beloved Elena is accident prone, he might, eventually, see the upside to keeping a spare 'virtual Elena' handy. What the hell...In the dark, when his hormones are raging, can he really tell the difference? I seriously doubt it.

I Won't Go, So Don't Ask Me
Source: Contra Costa Times [10/23]

When a Brit fishwrap reported that the Home Office planned to deep six the nation's centuries old - first enacted in the 17th century - blasphemy laws, the bovine excrement hit the proverbial fan with a resounding, Brit-accented "splat". In a heartbeat, Home Office officials beat a hasty retreat, opining that the laws might be dumped, some damn day, but it wouldn't be anytime soon.

Given the fun fact that these antique edicts "penalize anyone who challenges the truth of Christian doctrine or the Bible" (Contra Costa Times), don't look for this egregiously-opinionated pagan to visit the U.K. in the foreseeable future. "Hell no, I won't go", sums it up my attitude, perfectly.

Scottish Hate Loogies
Source: Scotsman (U. K.) [10/16]

Since he retired a few months ago, an Edinburgh (Scotland) denizen perpetrates two, never fail, daily rituals, one of which has a neighbor and certain city officials in a tizzy. Nobody gives a rip about our retiree's daily constitutional, but his penchant for spitting on his neighbors ride has tartan panties in a bunch. In fact, the local justice system ran our spit-spewing hero in for a 'racially-motivated breach of the peace' (Scotsman), because his neighbor is Lotus Clan. That's right, this rice monkey is so pissed about his Beamer getting a daily loogie that he ran the Scottish equivalent of a hate crime up the judicial system flagpole. Bold new concept.

When the court tasked with the case dropped the hate crime charges like a bad habit and nailed the spitter for the local version of disturbing the peace, the rice monkey, Beamer owner went postal:

"I don’t see any justice being served here whatsoever. I want to see this man convicted for what he did. I know the police are annoyed about this and I am angry that he has got away with giving my family three months of torture. This man was continually spitting on my car, there’s evidence to prove it, and to me it was racially motivated because there was no other reason for it. The police believed he had done wrong, no matter the colour of my skin and for the fiscal to give him a slap on the wrist is ridiculous. This is just going to make matters worse. This makes it look like it’s OK to spit on someone’s property and get away with it." (Scotsman)

Like their Yank cousins, Korrectnik, U.K. whiners deem a perp's thoughts more important than than his deeds. Not that it matters, but is 'racism' the only way to explain this spitting asshat's antics? Maybe he's an asshole...Maybe the neighbor pissed him off in some long forgotten way. Maybe...any number of things, none of which matter. If he's punished, it should be for his antics, not for his thoughts. Don't make me come over there...It's been hours, since I hocked a loogie and laid it on a Beamer.

Nanny State Bonkers In The UK
Source: icBirmingham (UK) [10/10]

The Birmingham (England) city council issued a secret - until some dastardly flunky leaked it - memo that imposes Smoke Nazi abuse on the city's welfare recipients, in the recipient's own home. According to this Brit web site, the memo decrees that:

'...staff, such as social workers and home helps, could be at risk from passive smoking during house visits. The memo orders employees to tell tenants, including pensioners or housebound residents, to put out their ciggies - or face being reported. Other staff who could be asked to impose the barmy ban include trading standards or licensing officers, who frequently visit smoke-filled buildings like pubs or bars...' (IcBirmingham)

This is Nanny State on steroids bovine excrement and that's a no shit fact. Before they go Smoke Nazi bonkers, these Birmingham hacks should be forced to trot out the mortal remains of all those city employees who scored a secondhand smoke-induced room temperature transition on the job, while visiting some poor slob's domicile or business. If these hacks can't produce any bodies, Birmingham citizens should dump the whole city council like a bad habit.

Korrectness Taken To Extremes
Source: Daily Record [10/09]

A Glasgow (Scotland) library took Korrectness to new heights when a staffer in the Mitchell Library's coffee shop declared the phrase "black coffee" racist. Henceforth, all customers must order "coffee without milk", or else! Bold New Concept.

If the 'stuff' they're smoking at the Mitchell Library is that potent, the least they can do is share these stellar, mind-altering, goodies with their Yank cousins.

Thinking Tall Thoughts In Hong Kong
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [10/09]

Inspired by his towering hero, NBA stalwart Yao Ming, a vertically-challenged Hong Kong dude shelled out 20,000 Hong Kong dollars ($2,600 in dead presidents) for some extra special, intellectual flatliners only, altitude enhancing treatments. Is rampant quackery infecting Hong Kong doctors? Not necessarily. Our hero didn't seek help from a trained medical professinal. Instead, he sought these altitude-enhancing treatments from - I am not making this up - beauty parlors. These untrained professionals injected him, drugged him, put him on assorted Rube Goldberg gizmos, but our hero didn't gain a micron of added altitude. Go figure!

It took a while for reality to fight its way through to that lonely, functional synapse, but, eventually, our hero got the big picture and started making shyster assault noises. One salon stuck a deal and refunded half the money this dolt paid them, but the other is hanging tough. Smelling a born loser, the second salon offered this clown 20 additional treatments, free of charge. Given his track record, our hero is, probably, thinking it over.

Will Santa Need A Passport?
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [10/02]

Santa and his vertically-challenged helpers might need a Danish passport if the bright bulbs in Denmark get their way. They're eager to prove that the North Pole is linked, physically, to Greenland - 'the island is a semi-independent Danish territory' (AP) - via the, underwater, 1,240 mile long Lomonosov Ridge. Big fun.

Before Santa and his cohorts start plowing through Danish red tape, they might be interested to learn that Russia and Canada are serving up their own claims to Santa's home turf. Why all the fuss? There might be lots of goodies under all that ice and snow. Will Santa be victimized by a hostile Russian, Canadian or Danish takeover? Stay tuned for all the thrilling details, because when I know, you'll know.

International Whiner Update
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [10/02/]

Whitey Need Not Attend
What passes for the leadership in the Global African Congress repeated their 2002 Barbados edict when they decreed that whitey isn't welcome at this year's six-day conference on racism in Suriname (geographically-challenged cess-schooled dolts will be thrilled to learn that Suriname located in southern Africa). The not so subtle message is that racism is all whitey's fault, so discussing it with, or in front of, him makes it much too painful for these whining assclowns. Somebody needs to remind these Global African Congress morons that twenty-first century racism is not perpetrated by whitey. It's black-on-black slavery perpetrated in such garden spots as Sudan, and assorted other African nations.

If anyone is serving up racism at this whine-a-thon, it's the melanin-enriched whiners who call themselves the Global African Congress. Whitey may not be invited, but you can bet the proverbial farm that when it comes to funding this ethnic whining, whitey will top the list.

Sombrero Stomper Whining
South of the border asshats staged a protest march through that aromatic, Mexican, blight - Tijuana - to protest all the border jumping asshats who achieved room temperature while trying to sneak into Amerika. White crosses - one for each victim of Uncle Sam's insane quest to control his own borders - lined the road along which these somber, Amerika-bashing, clowns marched. Apparently, we're supposed to feel bad or something. Remind me to put that on my 'to do' list, right after 'volunteer for a quadruple root canal', and 'invite an insurance salespunk to dinner'.

Depending on where you get your data, between 2,000 and 3,000 border jumpers achieved room temperature in the unforgiving Arizona desert, since Uncle Sam tightened up San Diego's border in October 1994, with a program called Operation Gatekeeper. The usual whining suspects want to lay these deaths on Uncle Sam's doorstep, instead of where they belong: on the victims themselves. They came here uninvited. Are we supposed to greet this no shit invasion with a red carpet?

Curiously, nobody bothered to mention the thrilling fact that this room temperature border jumping scum died breaking Amerika's immigration laws. You're coming here un-goddamn-invited, shit for brains. Am I supposed to give a flaming damn when you die in the process? I way don't think so, Colonista Sparky.

Cooking Up Trouble
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [10/01]

This year's international couscous festival - hilariously named "Cooks For Peace" - ended in controversy when the Palestinian team accused the Israeli team of stealing their recipe. According to Palestinian delegate Mohammed Kebal: "The Israelis stole my land and my country, now they are even stealing our recipes. The hand of [the Israeli intelligence agency] Mossad is at work here. We will never take part in the contest again." (Washington Times).

Peaceful co-existence went up in, uh, flames when the festival's judges awarded Israel's Raz Cohen a special prize for originality for a couscous concoction 'based on recipes used by Jewish communities in North Africa' (Times). In a lather, Palestinian hash slinger, Mohammed Najeeb, huffed and puffed about an Israeli chef getting an award for a dish created by A-rabs. Just like that, he and his whining towelhead cohorts picked up their frying pans and went home, vowing never to return...ever again.

If Israelis and Palestinians can't even achieve peaceful coexistence at a cooking competition, it's utterly irrational to expect them to bury the hatchet and live, side-by-side, in harmony. It ain't gonna happen, so get over it.

Afterthought:
What in blue - expletive deleted - blazes is couscous anyway?

---

Look Before You Leap
Source: The Nelson Mail [11/29]

Kiwi (New Zealand) panties are in a wad after an old enough to know better - he was 20 - intellectual flatliner achieved a self-induced room temperature transition when he jumped off a cliff into the river below. Although the initial splashdown didn't off him, immediately, he eventually, found eternal rest in Davy Jones' locker. That all seems 'no harm, no foul' to this pagan, but certain Kiwi flatliner coddlers want Nanny State hacks build a fence and put up a sign that warns aspiring human gene pool improvement volunteers that jumping off the cliff into the water below could be, uh, a terminally bad notion.

I strongly suggest that these Kiwi nannies think long and hard before they try to thwart Mother Nature's human gene pool improvement campaign. Take my advice, Kiwi clowns...Don't go there.

He Shot Some Arrows Into The Air...
Source: AP [11/27]

A twenty-first century Swedish archer decided to eclipse such fabled arrow slingers as Robin Hood and William Tell by attaching cell phones to his arrows and shooting these high tech telecommunications blights over a Swedish graybar's walls. Is our eager archer a cell phone salespunk trying to break into an served market? Not exactly.

'...Cell phones smuggled to prisoners have played a vital role in three highly publicized prison breaks in Sweden between July and September. Police suspect the prisoners used them to co-ordinate their escapes with accomplices on the outside...' (AP)

This Swedish bow wrangler is on the fast track to get a whole new perspective on graybar life. He's a slam dunk to get up close and personal with the bad boys who live inside those prison walls when he begins his new staring role as Bjorn's bitch. So be it.

Surrender Monkey Angst
Source: Seattle Post-Intelligencer [11/23]

Surrender Monkey panties are in a wad because General Electric's French branch dares to perpetrate some of it's official business in - gasp - English. I'm shocked, shocked I tell you and so are the G.E. (France) employees who are suing to force the company honor the Surrender Monkey lingo with the proper respect. How dare these ugly Amerikan capitalists perpetrate 'e-mails, manuals and meetings in English' (Post-Intelligencer).

Surrender Monkey language purists are so over-the-top about French-only lingo that they renamed common cyberspace terms like 'e-mail' and 'fax' to "courrier electronique" and "telecopie" respectively. Leaving nothing to chance, they formed a special cabal to defend Surrender Monkey lingo from English encrochment:

'...The Web site of the Defense of the French Language, a group partly financed by France's Culture Ministry, even has a page titled "Museum of Horrors" showing photos of English-language billboards on buses, at train stations, airports and that most iconic of French institutions, the Paris Metro.

On Wednesday, it and other groups are to award their annual English Doormat Prize for perceived offenses against the French language. Last year's winner was an academic who promoted teaching in English. The 2002 award went to the esteemed Le Monde newspaper for running weekly excerpts in English from the New York Times. This year's candidates include the head of the French Football Federation for using the song "Can You Feel It?" as a national team anthem, luxury goods firm Dior for promoting perfumes in English and European Central Bank President Jean-Claude Trichet for giving a speech in English...' (Post-Intelligencer)

Attention Surrender Monkeys: Rational adults don't give a flaming damn about your precious lingo. If you don't want those horrible Amerikan dollars, that can be arranged, too. There are other places - better places - to spend our money. I'm sure there are numerous other countries that would give G.E. Healthcare a very warm welcome. Just say the word and they're out of your mutant blight on the globe in a heartbeat. All you gotta do is ask.

Dot Head Fun and Games
Source: Ananova [11/22]

A supernaturalism-inspired riot in the dothead heartland stopped qualifying as 'breaking news' decades ago, but this one provides a stop the presses twist. An estimated 15,000 Hindus showed up at 'the Sriguru Ashram at Kharagaon in Orissa to see the priest 'ascend to heaven' between 6am and noon' (Ananova), but they went on a rampage when the time came and went without the Hindu 'saint' perpetrating a dothead class 'Beam me up, Scotty' gig.

Believe it or not, this alleged saint is more annoyed by his failure to beam up than he is about his loyal believers throwing a property-destroying hissy fit: "...I am very shocked to have given you so much pain. I wanted to leave my mortal body, but I could not. Please forgive me." (Ananova). If getting his 'ticket' to the hereafter punched is that important to him, and his deity is too busy, I'm confident that a room temperature transition can be arranged. All you gotta do is ask the right people, dude. Do I need to think of everything?

Culture Clash In The U.K.
Source: The Sunday Times (UK) [11/21]

Ireland is buffeted by shockwaves from the collision of Ireland's venerable Rosary True Believer culture with an even older alleged culture perpetrated Ireland's Mecca Maniac immigrants. The rival cultures just don't see eye to eye when it comes to such mundane things as social interaction between the sexes. Two tidbits from this Brit fishwrap piece illustrate this point, perfectly:

A 14-year-old Mecca Maniac wenchlet got horizontal and squishy with a much older dude - 35 years old - whom she met via 'a mobile phone text-and-date service', whatever the hell that is. As soon as the eager tart broke the thrilling, I'm a slut, news to mum and dad, they disowned her and threw her out of their house - and their lives - permanently. Big, big fun. The good news is that, so far, no male relative has restored the wenchlet's honor by killing her.

'...Earlier this year, a chaperoned singles event aimed at introducing Irish Muslims to prospective marriage partners was cancelled. Some 50 Muslim men and women were due to take part but it was called off after Muslin elders claimed the match-making dinner was “the work of the devil”...' (Times)

Why, exactly, did these Mecca Maniacs move to Ireland in the first place? If they want to perpetrate their 7th century alleged culture in the 21st century why not do it where those notions reign supreme? Why Ireland, when Saudi Arabia, Nigeria, Iran, and Pakistan are already mired in this antiquated bovine excrement? It's enquiring minds time, again, in the pagan bunker.

Brit Smoking Ban
Source: Houston Chronicle [11/17]

Brit Smoke Nazis in their national Health Department are poised to emulated their Yank, Big Apple, cousins by imposing a smoking ban that includes 'most public places, including restaurants and any pub that serves food' (Chronicle). Proving that anything less than criminalizing cancer sticks won't cut it, non-government Smoke Nazis whine that some bars and pubs aren't included in the proposed ban.

Employing the venerable 'toe in the troubled regulatory waters' method, Brit bureaucrats intend to impose the new ban in gradual stages over a 4 year period, until it achieves maximum impact in 2008. Smoke 'em if you've got 'em, while you still can, chaps.

A Brit Holiday Brain-Fart
Source: BBC [11/16]

Brit supernaturalists in Cambridge (England, but don't quote me) toll booths had a hissy fit when city officials decided to invite a 70's punk band, The Damned, to switch on the city's Christmas lights this year. According to one, outraged, holy roller padre, the band "goes out of its way to deny what Christmas is all about" (BBC). Translation: One or more of The Damned's songs roasts Cross Cult butt.

Somebody needs to get real about Christmas's well documented, pagan roots. Despite its name, Christmas is, in fact, a pagan holiday which was co-opted by the god squad in the era of the Roman Empire. A few facts - a term unfamiliar to the god squad - will demonstrate this.

Fact: In Roman times the period between December 17th and January 1st is the Saturnalia, a feast which celebrates the approach of Spring. Saturnalia featured feasting, mirth and exchanging gifts.

Fact: December 25th is the feast day of the Persian God, Mithra, the god of light and wisdom. In Roman times the feast celebrated the Sun God.

Fact: Many pagans, including the ancient Romans, celebrated their gods with trees, including evergreens. Such celebrations often involved decorating trees with candles.

The outright theft of pagan feasts by fourth century god squad true believers has gone unpunished for much too long. Pagans must step up to the plate and reclaim these ancient feast days. It’s time to stand up and tell the god squad to stop whining about ‘Putting Christ back in Christmas’. It’s not your holiday, it’s ours, so sit the down and shut up. We’ll damn sure honor our feast days any way we damn please, including having a Cross Cult bashing punk band switch on the holiday lights.

I know, I know...There I go again. Look on the bright side, it's only November 16th and you've already endured this pagan's annual Mithra tantrum. It's glass half full time in the pagan scribbler bunker.

Those Wacky Iranians
Source: AFP [11/15]

Iran's supreme supernaturalist, Ayatollah Ali Khameinei, just bent some long-standing rules to allow the faithful to - gasp - use a telescope to view the moon. Why the moon, you ask? The 'crescent of the new moon...signals the start of Eid al-Fitr, a three-day feast celebrating the end of Ramadan' (AFP).

This rule bending isn't as arbitrary as it seems, because, most of Iran's grand ayatollahs are so old they need a telescope to find the full moon on a cloudless night. Here's a hint, Iranian wingnuts: aim the telescope at the sky, not the neighbor's hottie bride. Don't make me come over there.

A Brit Ultra-Wide Load
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [11/15]

A terminally-wide load Brit, Graem Ivison, got fired from his British Nuclear Fuels plant gig, because, at 420 pounds, he was too big to fit through the security turnstiles, no matter how much grease they slathered on him. Our hero is so big he couldn't find a decontamination suit large enough to encompass his ample girth. He's suing, of course...So what else is new?

Hmm...What color does that much human blubber turn, when it's radiated?

Brit Fat Nazi Brain-Fart
Source: BBC [11/14]

Brit bright bulbs hatched two nifty notions to lop the lard off the U.K.'s wide load tykes. The perpetrators of a Public Health White Paper have a lard-culling plan that attacks junk food ingestion on two fronts. The first scheme bans junk food, advertising on Brit boob tubes before 9 pm, but deems such ads okey dokey, thereafter, because nobody gives a rip about adult wide loads...this time around.

The second scheme is even wackier:

'...The White Paper favours a "traffic light" labelling scheme for foods, according to The Observer. Unhealthy foods would receive a red label, while healthy choices such as fruits and vegetables would attract a green label. Nutritious but high-fat foods, such as cheese, would be given an amber label...' (BBC)

Stay tuned for Amerika's Fat Nazis to run these notions up Uncle Sam's flagpole, any day now. Am I the only rational adult left on this planet? Wouldn't that be a terrifying notion...

Afterthoughts
Banning junk food ads won't do a damn thing to slim down tyke porkers, if mum and dad bring the stuff home in their grocery bags.

Long Range Planning
Source: News. Au (Aussie news site) [11/08]

An Austrian Mecca Maniac named Muhammed Mueller talked his favorite homeboy into helping him dig a 68km (a shade over 42 miles) tunnel to Gradec, Slovenia, using only...hand shovels. According to rational adults, this momentous task will take about 5,600...years. Why you ask, is this wingnut perpetrating this farce? He claims it's all about supenaturalism, unemployment and other, unspecified, issues. How, exactly, will digging a 42 mile long tunnel with hand shovels resolve these issues? I haven't got a clue and it's a slam dunk neither does Herr Mueller.

Glass half full readers will opine that this tunnel brain-fart serves at least one noble purpose: it keeps two world class wingnuts off the streets. I can live with that.

Canadian Follies
Source: CTA (Canada) [11/06]

A Nova Scotia motorist got an expensive $445 (Canadian funny money) reality check when cops ticketed him for having unopened booze and brewskie containers in his truck cab. These badge-packing Canadian clowns nailed a sober, law-abiding driver for having unopened adult beverage containers in his ride? Unreal!

'...Citing the Liquor Control Act -- which prohibits the transportation of booze within reach of a driver, even if it's unopened -- the officer ticketed Eisnor and issued him a fine of $445....' (CTV)

Obviously, Canada is no place for rational adults to hang out. That's why it's a perfect place for Amerika's disgruntled lefty political refugees. These lefty to the max expatriates will fit right into the egregiously irrational Canadian populace. If any lefties need help packing, PIG regulars are poised to speed up the process. All the departing lefties gotta do is ask...

Gimme That Old Time Religion...
Source: BBC [11/04]

Boldly going where few Toll Booths dare to go, a Brit Toll Booth - the Canterbury Cathedral - is reviving a tradition guaranteed to thrill brewskie lovers spitless. I won't tell John Hagee about this, if you don't:

'...Canterbury Cathedral is reviving the ancient monastic tradition of making beer available within its precincts. The Kent cathedral is selling a bottled bitter which is made by local brewer Shepherd Neame according to a 300-year-old Kentish recipe...' (BBC)

Hmm....Being potted would, undoubtedly, make Cross Cult supernaturalism much easier to take, but, it still doesn't hold an alter candle to paganism's legendary, orgastic, revels. Nice try, Brit Cross Cult dudes. What else have you got?

Canada Korrectly
Source: Reuters [11/02]

A Siberian-Canadian dolly whimpered "discrimination" because her boss insisted on calling her, "kemosabe". In a rational world, the relevant authorities would tell her to "get over it", but, this is Canada, a place that has never been a bastion of synaptic functionality. Instead, the Nova Scotia Human Rights Commission wasted an entire day - I am not making this up - watching "Lone Ranger" re-runs, to determine if "kemosabe" is offensive. After this in-depth research, the commission decreed "kemosabe" no harm, no foul cool in the frozen, irrational, north.

Outraged, the Siberian-Canadian dolly took her inane blithering to court, where another Canadian anomaly - black robed rational adults on the Nova Scotia Appeals Court - reaffirmed kemosabe as Canadian cool. Institutionalized discrimination? Not in this or any other lifetime, chronically-oppressed, teepee tootsie Sparky.

It's All The Rage
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [11/01]

From Australia, Japan and Spain, "rage" rears its ugly head.

Aussie Road Rage
An Aussie motorist's crappy driving got Emerilized beyond recognition when his "aggressive driving" escalated into an angry confrontation with some pedestrians. When confronted, the driver exchanged heated words with the three pedestrians who responded by pounding on him with their fists. Unwilling to let it end that way, the battered but unbowed driver returned to his car where he fetched his trusty, dusty persuader. I know what you're thinking and you're wrong...He didn't get a gun; he bagged something much better:

"He has got close to the group as they walked towards the nightclub, and he has started the chainsaw up and run after them in a threatening manner," the police spokesman said. "When he has got to the door of the club he has revved it up a bit, he heard the police coming and ran off, dumping his chainsaw." (News.Au)

A chainsaw! Am I the only one wondering why a dude packs a chainsaw in his ride? Is there something I need to know about this particular aspect of Aussie culture?

Quake Rage
A dude toiling as a quake cleanup volunteer in Ojeya (Japan) needed a brewski so majorly, he smashed a supermarket's windows, when the store clerk refused to re-open for our thirsty hero. Apparently, there was a teensy misunderstanding when he volunteered to deal with damage. The volunteer group thought he planned to clean up damage; he thought they wanted him to inflict damage where none existed. Whatever the case, he has ample time to sort it all out, now, because his brewskie rage earned him private accommodation in the local graybar hotel.

Next time, dude, bring your own brewskies.

Chess Rage
The World Chess Federation's (FIDE) "chess olympiad" in Spain turned into a WWE cage match when FIDE V.P., Zurab Azmaiparashvili, head-butted some Spanish cops. The fun got started when Zurab detected an error in the medal ceremony and tried to get on stage to correct it.

'...According to a statement released by the organisers, the Georgian, who was European chess champion in 2003, "butted the agent on the mouth" when a policemen tried to stop him climbing on to the stage....' (Guardian)

Unimpressed by Zurab's credentials, Spanish cops wrestled Zurab to the ground, handcuffed him, then carted him off to the local graybar hotel. FIDE officials are in a lather and who can blame them, but the locals who organized the chess tournament insist that Zurab has been a pain in the boom-boom from day one:

"When he arrived to the airport he demanded two hotel rooms, one as member of the Fide and the other one as player. When his demand was refused, he adopted an aggressive attitude and he stayed for five hours at the airport trying to get his requirement." (A statement released on the tournament website as quoted by the Guardian)

Zurab is, obviously, a visionary who wants to, uh, bodyslam chess's stodgy image into submission. Borrowing a page from Vince McMahon's playbook, Zurab probably envisions 'lingerie chess matches' between rook-wrangling hotties, plus other irresistible incentives. If that's where Zurab is taking chess, he's got my undivided attention. All that will have to wait unit our hero extracates himself from the Spanish justice system's "checkmate".

Free Zurab! Free Zurab! Free Zurab!

---

Korrectnik Bonkers in The U.K.
Source: Tongue Tied Internet Site [12/28]

Brit Korrectniks decreed that, henceforth, the Brit cops at the Metropolitan Police will banish "blacks" and "Asians" from the authorized race descriptors list. The new, vastly improved, term - one deemed Korrectnik cool - is "visible ethnic minorities". Asinine? You bet and, ironically, even Melanin-Enriched Brit cops agree:

'..."There has been so much emphasis on the issue of terminology, that the issue has become confusing for black police officers, let alone white ones," said Anna Scott, the general Secretary of the National Black Police Association. "We are risking becoming too politically correct at the expense of being clearly understood by officers and the general public."...' (Tongue Tied)

How far into this Korrectnik-scripted insanity will Brit asshats descend before they 'get it'? Will they eradicate height descriptors to coddle the vertically-challenged? Will they eradicate weight descriptors to coddle the "size acceptance" crowd? In the not too distant future, when this policy reaches its irrational extreme an All Points Bulletin will become stunningly vague:

"A human of undisclosed height, weight, gender and ethnicity is wanted for murder. Be on the lookout for this armed and dangerous suspect..."

Brit taxpayers must be thrilled to learn that public safety got sacrificed on the Korrectnik brainfart altar.

High Altitude Slap & Tickle
Source: Stuff.Co (Kiwi News Site) [12/26]

A Kiwi egghead at Victoria University is shocked, shocked, I tell you, that certain consenting adults get horizontal and squishy while scaling Mount Everest. He's so obsessed with this hyper-hormonal, high altitude desecration that he's mounting an international protest movement to rescue the mountain from these horny "because it's there" adventure seekers.

'...[Professor Ralph Pettman] said to truly understand global social movements, he needed to start one himself. After looking around for an issue of global interest, he believed this idea appealed as something of international importance...' (Stuff.co)

There must be something in this egghead's water. How else can you explain him elevating high altitude humping to "global interest" and/or "international importance". Aside from the hot-blooded participants, this Kiwi egghead is the only alleged human who gives a flaming damn about Mount Everest base camp boinking. If Professor Pettman wants to tackle an issue of 'international importance', I offer the following suggestions: international terrorism; rampaging tyranny in such liberty blights as Saudi Arabia, North Korea, Iran and Zimbabwe.

Ralphie boy needs a reality check, stat, so, if you happen to hang out near this Kiwi Ivory Tower, tell the relevant mental health purveyors that Professor Pettman is off his medication...again.

Banned In Mexico
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [12/22]

Villahemosa (Mexico) just passed a new law that makes it a crime for the city's denizens to - I am not making this up - get naked in the comfort of their own homes. No shit, the city hacks are so up to here with city denizens' 'in the privacy of their own home nudity' that they made it crime punishable by a 1,356 peso ($121 in dead presidents) fine and 36 hours in a Sombrero Stomper gray bar hotel.

'..."We are talking about zero tolerance ... for a lack of morality," said city councilwoman Blanca Estela Pulido of the Revolutionary Institutional Party, which governs the state and city...' (AP)

Attention Villhermosa denizens: It's time to increase the voltage on your city hacks' shock treatments.

Afterthought
If this is a sterling example of Mexico's civic governance, it explains why so many Mexican denizens try to escape the insanity by invading Amerika.

High Tech Road Kill
Source: North Umberton Today (Canada) [12/20]

Fickle fate turned a Canadian motorist's high tech toy into road kill when he managed to dump his new, 43-inch Samsung boob tube onto the road, cuing it up for obliteration. Our hero's boob tube acquisition started swimmingly, when this Canadian couch potato loaded the oversized boob tube into his pickup truck bed. But, fickle fate had other plans for his new toy:

'...As the truck was traveling up a hill the rope holding the television in place released. The back gate of the pickup truck was down and the television slid out of the truck and onto the roadway. A woman driving a 1993 Buick southbound in the opposite direction struck the television with the front passenger side of her vehicle at approximately 80 km-h...' (North Umberton Today)

Losing his $1,700 (Canadian funny money) toy is bad enough, but our hero is also on the hook for $2,000 damage to the other motorist's ride. And how was your day?

R-Rated Educrap
Source: BBC [12/17]

A Brit hormone gorilla landed in very hot water when he turned in his English project at a Brit educrap cabal named 'Cavendish Comprehensive'. The assignment - search the Internet for facts about his favorite celebrity - sounds harmless enough, unless you factor in the typical teenage dude's raging hormones. Nobody, apparently, imagined that the lad's favorite celebrity is a tasty wench named, Jordan, a Brit hottie whose primary claim to fame is Pam Anderson class sweater puppies, plus assorted other eye catching goodies.

The bovine excrement hit the proverbial fan for 14-year-old James Petchey when, in addition to the relevant prose, his project included topless pictures of Jordan that he'd downloaded from the Internet. Faster than you can say "Nice rack, darlin", our young hero is suspended for 24 hours, and the hottest topic on the school grapevine. No doubt, every time James encounters another hormone gorilla, he's asked the same question: "where can I get a copy of your project, dude?"

Afterthought
Certain readers - and we both know who you are - wonder where they can do in-depth research on Jordon. As usual, I have the answer: She and her sweater-busting...accomplishments are a regular fixture in a Brit tabloid called 'The Sun'.

Payback Can Be Fatal
Source: BBC [12/14]

Minutes after he pelted a double decker bus with a brick, a Brit bright bulb turned into road kill when the very same bus ran his mutant ass down. It all started after he departed the aforementioned mass transit conveyance:

'...It is thought John Rothwell, 40, of Broadway in Bredbury, Stockport, got off the bus in Heaton Chapel at about 1am on Tuesday. Police said a brick from a nearby wall was thrown moments before the bus hit Mr. Rothwell in Wellington Road North...' (BBC)

Although I'm a steadfast believer in "what goes around comes around", the inevitable retribution isn't usually this immediate.

Dothead Angst
Source: The Telegraph (Calcutta, India) [12/11]

Two dothead dollies who 'tied the knot' with each other were deemed cool for school by a Punjab magistrate who told the two wenches' families that the dollies weren't breaking any laws. According to this dothead fishwrap, this ruling 'sent shockwaves across the state', because the last thing the ubiquitous 'they' want is dolly couples. Bold new concept. With a paltry 768 girls to 1,000 boys ration in Punjab, the one thing dothead worrywarts don't need is a dothead dolly shortage exacerbated by dollies pairing off with each other.

Nobody, including these dothead fishwrap scribblers, has the nads to point out the obvious source of dothead female to male ratio angst. You'll be thrilled to hear that I'm up to the challenge: If the dotheads really want to resolve this gender imbalance, they need to dump their 'boys are cool and girls need to be aborted' bias like a bad habit. They made this gender imbalance hell and it's only fair that they burn in it. Leave this happy, lesbian couple alone, or you'll force me to come over there.

Afterthought
Dothead whiners need to look for the glass half full elements in this story. For example, egregiously over populated India is less likely to get more mouths to feed if dothead dolly couples become 'and idea whose time has come'. How, exactly, do you say 'turkey baster' in Hindi?

And How Was Your Wedding Day?
Source: Reuters [12/10]

A child support shirking, Israeli dude had a wedding day like no other when the police showed up at his wedding reception and impounded his wedding gifts to pay his outstanding child support debt. That laughter you hear is coming from his ex-wife, after she 'shattered' her scofflaw ex's new bride, majorly trashed his wedding and virtually guaranteed that her ex didn't get any horizontal joy on his wedding night.

'...With 198,000 shekels ($45,530) owed to her, his ex-wife finally tracked him down when a relative passed on a copy of a wedding invitation for his second marriage this week. Police and bailiffs allowed the newlyweds to celebrate before confronting the groom and confiscating the wedding hall's safe in which guests had deposited cash and checks, a tradition for Israeli nuptials...' (Reuters)

When last seen our scofflaw hero was consoling his new bride, after she roused herself from a stress-induced fainting spell. I have no clue how 'a woman scorned' translates into Israeli lingo, but you can bet the farm that this terminally unhappy groom is up to speed on this venerable concept, now.

How To Shut Off A Car Alarm
Source: Pagan Scribbler News Wire [12/09]

Annoyed by the car alarm that kept blaring in the street below, denizens of a Moscow apartment building resolved the matter by - I am not making this up - throwing a sink out a window then letting gravity and momentum fulfill their prime function on the alarm-spewing ride. According to a Ruskie press service, 'the car owner is grieving, but his neighbors are happy to enjoy the silence'. That works just fine for this pagan.

File this under 'crude, but effective' solutions to a noisy car alarm, in your pagan scribbler archives.

Malaysia's Innovative Illegal Immigrant Solution
Source: Xinhaunet [12/09]

Malaysia's solution to illegal immigration is inspired - inspiring - to say the least. After giving illegal immigrants a temporary amnesty that allowed them time to pick up their toys and get the hell out of Malaysia, government officials took action, the instant the deadline expired. Unlike Korrectnik Amerika, Malaysia's solution rates an unambiguous 'crude but very damn effective':

'...A total 18,607 illegal immigrants in Malaysia were whipped under an amendment to the Immigration Act introduced in 2002, Deputy Home Affairs Minister Tan Chai Ho said Wednesday. The number comprised 11,473 Indonesians, 2,786 Myanmars, 1,956 Filipinos, 708 Bangladeshis, 509 Indians and 1,175 other nationalities, Tan told reporters at the parliament lobby here...' (Xinhaunet)

Highly motivated by this 'take no prisoners' approach, an estimated 6,000,000 illegals staged a hasty exit from Malaysia. Those who remain will be tracked down, whipped, then thrown the hell out, government officials promise.

Kudos to Malaysia for their inspirational illegal immigrant solution.

Brit News Nuggets
Source: Reuters [12/08]

Not Your Daddy's Nativity
Madam Tussaud's London emporium has Brit Cross Cult panties in a wad, thanks to a nifty nativity scene that has Brit soccer star, David Beckham, as Joseph, his wife Victoria - A.K.A. Posh Spice - as Mary and sexy Aussie warbler, Kylie Minogue, as an angel. According to Reuters, the usual suspect in funny collars are not the least bit amused:

"This is worse than bad taste. It is cheap." (Vatican spokeshole)

"This is just an additional indication of the way people exploit the Christian message without any real understanding of its significance." (Reverend Rod Thomas, spokesman for the conservative evangelical grouping Reform )

"The waxwork will cause offence to many and it should be pulled down straight away." (Presbyterian Church spokeshole)

These and all other Cross Cultists with wadded panties need to get over it. All they do by complaining is give Madam Tussauds what it really wants: free publicity.

A Suitably-Seasonal Sales-pitch
Commuters riding the London Underground - a subway, by any other name - were treated to advertisements for a urp-avoiding, morning after pill the manufacturer called the "immaculate contraption". As expected, this play on cherished Cross Cult terminology has those Brit Cross Cult panties in a hyper wad...yes, again.

'...The poster, which appeared on London Underground trains, asked: "Immaculate contraception? If only." "It might be Christmas time," it read, "but condoms still split and pills still get forgotten. So if your contraception lets you down, ask your pharmacist for Levonelle One Step."...' (Reuters)

After garnering all that enriching, free, publicity, the pill's manufacturer pulled the advertisements, since it already accomplished its prime mission: spreading their pill's name throughout the U.K.

Kudos to Schering Health Care for an inspired ad campaign. We are, in this instance, amused in the extreme.

A Very Speedy Scotsman
Source: Sunday Mail (UK) [12/06/]

A lead-footed Scotsman named Mungo Tulloch grabbed for the intellectual-flatliner brass ring by getting nailed 9 times in three weeks, by the same speed trap camera. After he ignored the nine tickets the proper authorities mailed to him, our hero got an offer he better not refuse from the Scottish justice system to appear in court and explain his antics. Mungo Tulloch...come on down!

More Than A Game?
Source: Winnipeg Sun [12/05]

A Canadian hockey mom gave everyone an eyeful, during her 11-year old's hockey match, when she lifted her shirt and wagged her bra-encased sweater puppies at the parents rooting for the other team. The Greater Toronto Hockey League's fearless leader, John Gardner, deemed the woman's antics "disturbing", but you can bet the farm he 'd scope those hooters as eagerly as every other dude in attendance, given half a chance.

For those who obsess on such things, here are the relevant details:

'...In a letter to the league, a parent who witnessed the alleged incident called it "unfortunate" and "disturbing." "She lifted her top well above her breasts. (Wearing a bra) she shook (her breasts) side to side," the woman wrote...' (Sun) [Translation: It's bad enough that this tart shook her tits, but what really rots my socks is that her sweater puppies are bigger than mine.]

When confronted by hostile onlookers after the game, the boob-shaking woman uncorked a stop the presses response: "What the hell are you looking at? Have you never seen tits?" (Sun). Give 'em hell, darlin.

Keeping It In The Family
Source: Herald Sun (Aussie) [12/05]

After 10 years spent living in sin, a Brit couple, Denise Dancer and Paul Bayliss, decided to tie the knot and make their 'togetherness' street legal. Alas, wedded bliss careened off the rails one dark day when Denise arrived home unexpected to catch her future husband getting horizontal and squishy with Denise's 18-year-old daughter from a prior marriage. Daughter Emma, obviously, found her new 'daddy' almost as irresistible as mama Denise did. What did Denise do? Did she confront them immediately, or did she leave unseen to think it over?

After canceling the wedding, without telling Paul or daughter Emma, Denise stewed for a couple months before confronting the horny duo. When she finally nailed them with her "I know what you've been doing together behind my back", the horny couple confessed that they'd been 'an item' for nearly two years. Paul, obviously, has a taste for Brit jailbait, the randy bastard.

Now engaged to be married, Paul and Emma moved in together, after Denise tossed them out. I wouldn't bet the farm on happily ever after, Emma, because Paul can't be trusted. Is it my imagination or has Paul been getting a tad too chummy with your 15-year-old sister, Lisa? How long before you come home, unexpected and find your Paul up to his old tricks with another jailbait dolly? What goes around, comes around, darlin. You heard it here, first.

Religiously-Korrect Credit Card
Source: BBC [12/04]

An Israeli bank exploited an untapped market when they created a Sabbath-observing credit card for Ultra-Orthodox Torah True Believers. The new card has some terminally nifty features that should thrill these Ultra-Orthodox supernaturalists spitless:

The card won't operate on the Sabbath, so, if you need to lay some plastic on a vender between sundown on Friday until an hour after sundown on Saturday, you're S.O.L.

The card "may not operate", at all - any day of the week - in shops that don't observe the Sabbath.

Religiously-korrect credit cards are an idea whose time has come. A religiously-korrect Mecca Maniac card would prevent a straying true believer from using plastic for a booty call, buying adult beverages, grabbing some BBQ pork ribs for lunch, or bagging that slinky little frock. But, the same card would work like gang-busters when you need some dynamite for your bomb, or a new machete for those beheadings. A religiously-korrect Cross Cult card would only work when used for a donation to your favorite televised Toll Booth, or postage for that letter to the FCC. The possibilities are endless.

Self Defense In The U.K.
Source: Telegraph (UK) [12/04]

U.K. citizens who try to defend themselves when desperados invade their abode are hobbled by laws that severely restrict their actions. The current law uses ambiguous, deliberately undefined, terms that require a citizen to use "reasonable" but not "excessive" force when he defends his life, family and property. It's a no shit "guilty until proven innocent" legal hurdle for law-abiding citizens. If a Brit injures the asshat who invades his home and assaults him and his family, he'll probably do more time in the Brit graybar than the desperado.

At least one Brit official, Sir John Stevens, the Metropolitan Police Commissioner (Britain's top cop), wants to remove these restrictions and let law abiding citizens protect themselves for a change:

'..."It's all very well for the lawyers to say the law is clear, but I'm afraid people on the street don't feel that, and on occasions neither do the police. Of course you don't want to have gratuitous or excessive violence… but you have to be given the power to use what is necessary. I'm not talking about guns but people being allowed to defend themselves and use whatever is necessary to defend themselves against someone who may well be armed with a knife."

There should be a presumption in law "that the person using the force to defend themselves is acting within the law, rather than the other way round"...' (Telegraph)

Kudos to Sir John for his solid defense of inalienable individual liberty in Britain. It's nice to know that Britain's top cop 'gets it'.

Differently-Celibate Down Under
Source: Ananova [12/03]

Throwing his celibacy vows out the temple window, a terminally horny Buddhist monk tried to score some rent-a-booty action, but got nabbed in a Sydney (Australia) prostitution sting, instead. It all started out swimmingly, when he confronted, then started dickering with, his chosen companion. His horizontal intentions went to hell in a handbasket the instant his rent-a-wench - an undercover officer - flashed her badge and laid the fatal words on him: you're busted, dude. And what, you ask, did he reply:

"I only want to ask her as a joke because of who I am. I would never do anything like that." (Hoa Trung Nguyen, 47, from the Phap Bao Temple in Sydney, as reported by Ananova)

Does Buddhism have a special way to say "Gotcha", or is Homer's all purpose "D'oh" sufficient? Enquiring minds want to know.