Privatizing In Indiana
Source: PIG’s Golden Oinks 2006 [12/22/06]

Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels deserves props for proposing not one, but two, initiatives that will privatize two on-going Nanny State endeavors. Privatize government functions? How the hell did a rational adult sneak past Indiana’s chad-punchers?

The first Nanny State scheme that’s up for privatization is the Hoosier Lottery. An Indy Star piece shared these factoids:

‘...Daniels' proposal, which he unveiled last week, calls for a private concessionaire to lease out the Hoosier Lottery for about 30 years in exchange for an immediate one-time cash payment of about $1 billion, as well as a percentage of annual revenues. The cash payment would help pay for new college scholarships and professorships, while the annual revenue would help cover what the Hoosier Lottery pays for today: public pensions and auto excise-tax relief...’ (Indy Star)

There’s already a prospective "buyer" sniffing around this notion. Interlot, a ‘leading worldwide lottery operator’ thinks they can make the games more interesting, and profitable for all concerned. Unlike the Nanny State, they will try to maximize their take by providing games that more people will want to play. As their profits increase, so does the portion passed along to the state. It sounds like a win-win solution, to this pagan scribbler.

While the relevant Nanny State dweebs mull Governor Daniels’ lottery privatizing idea, there’s another - much bolder - privatization idea in play:

‘...Under a $1.16 billion, 10-year contract, an IBM-led group would assume key functions of the state welfare system, including handling benefit applications...’ (Star)

Governor Daniels’ privatization initiatives are, we admit, a drop in the Nanny State’s Jupiter-size bucket, but with a little encouragement, it might lead to bigger, bolder, privatizing initiatives. Well-earned kudos are conferred on Governor Daniels for swimming against the prevailing Nanny State tide.

Disney Grinches
Source: CBS [12/16/06]

A Florida dude, 60 years young J. D. Worley is a rotund, normally cheerful man with a white beard. Unlike the folks at Disney World, he accepted the fact, long ago, that tykes, routinely, mistake him for Santa Claus. When he visited the aforementioned House of the Mouse enclave, a group of Christmas bonkers tykes accosted him and started regaling him with their Santa prattle. A good sport, J. D. played along, until the Grinches in charge of Disney World ordered him to knock it off. Why? There are two schools of thought.

Disney’s spokesdolts insist that their reaction was prompted by a complaint from another Disney World visitor. Leaving nothing to chance in case that crap didn’t stick, they ran off at the mouth about "protecting the magic of Santa". Cynical bastard that I am, I think the truth lies elsewhere. It’s a safe bet that, somewhere in Disney World, the House of the Mouse has its own Santa, who, for a nominal fee - ka-ching - will pose for a snapshot with the Santa loving tykes. J. D.’s good hearted fun with those eager tykes was nailing Disney World’s bottom line and they won’t tolerate that from anybody.

Oddly, Utterly, American
Source: PIG News Wire [12/15/06]

Carrollton (Mexas)
As heists go, the one at the NTB tire store was as big as they get. When nobody was looking, some dastardly desperados made off with the store’s prize possession: a 35-foot tall inflatable gorilla dressed in a yellow shirt and blue boxer shorts. If you’re tooling around in Mexas and see this errant advertising icon, notify the proper authorities.

The capitalists at NTB really, really miss the damn thing, so "If you’re not using it I"d like it back. We’d really appreciate it." (NTB mechanic Mike Coates as quoted on a local NBC boob tube outlet). Have a heart, Mexas desperados. You had your fun, now give the big guy back to his friends at NTB.

Los Angeles (Mexifornia)
Once a week, a City of Angels hotel perpetrates a very special dining experience that is, quite understandably called "Dining In the Dark" It takes place in a very strange makeshift restaurant that the hotel named "Opaque". The details are all the proof you need that there’s no longer any intelligent life in L.A.

First and foremost, the banquet room where this lunacy takes place is pitch black. No light whatsoever is allowed to enter the room. That’s why diners are required to make the dinner selections before they enter the room. How, you ask, can anyone function in this lightless room? That question brings us to the next tasty tidbit. All the waiters who work in the room are - drum roll - blind.

Eating food that I can’t see in a pitch black room? I don’t think so, Tim. As suspicious as I am of restaurant food, I damn sure don’t want to pay downtown L.A. prices for a multi-course meal that I can’t see. "Dining in the Dark"? Thanks but no thanks.

Raleigh (North Carolina)
A highly publicized case involving a sheriff’s deputy who stands accused of shooting an unarmed teenager hit a speed bump this week. The drama began when an 18-year-old named Peyton Strickland and two pals beat up a University of North Carolina - Wilmington student and stole two Playstation 3's from him. Once police identified Strickland as a likely suspect, they staged a raid on Strickland’s abode, complete with a battering ram. For reasons that are still hotly debated, one officer, Cpl. Christopher Long, opened fire killing the unarmed Strickland.

As a result of this incident, Cpl. Long was fired last week, after which the local authorities tried to get a grand jury indictment against him for second degree murder. The grand jury discussed the issue and believed it had returned a "true bill" decision, a finding that would subject Cpl. Long to a trial on the murder charge. Everyone - especially the grand jury foreman, John Hatton - was startled when the news nitwits reported that the grand jury had voted "not a true bill" in Cpl. Long’s case. Why, you asked, was the grand jury foreman startled? Belatedly, the jury foreman realized that he marked the form wrong, thus scuttling the case against Cpl. Long before it began.

The local prosecutors are looking into the matter to see if there is any way to re-instate or re-submit the charges. While they are doing that, John Hutton has gone underground, and who can blame him. Would you want to answer questions if you just, accidentally, marked the grand jury form wrong and kicked loose an accused murderer?

Strange? Or Just Plain American?
Source: PIG News Wire [12/08/06]

Columbia (South Carolina)
At the end of her rope with a defiant, 12-year-old lad, a Palmetto State mom called in reinforcements when she found out that the lad disobeyed her once too often. "Mom" took her bold step after she found out that the lad defied her by seeking out the Game Boy his great-grandmother bought him for Christmas. The boy removed it from its hiding place and, regularly, played with it. And what, you ask, is this bold step? Mom called the cops on the impatient lad and had him arrested for petty larceny.

She did more than have him arrested, she let them handcuff the lad and take him off to the local graybar where he languished until she got around to liberating him. For those who care, here’s how mom justifies her actions:

"My grandmother went out of her way to lay away a toy and paid on this thing for months," said the boy's mother, Brandi Ervin. "It was only to teach my son a lesson. He's been going through life doing things...and getting away with it."

"It's not even about the Christmas present. I only want positive things out of it...There's no need for him to act this way. I'd rather call myself than someone else call for him doing something worse than this." (Brandi Ervin as quoted by AP on 12/05/06)

I understand her frustration and I don’t necessarily disagree with her actions. In the bad old days before the child welfare wingnuts went out of control, the lad would be taken out to the proverbial woodshed where his bottom would be busted until he got "the big picture". It’s a painful process that has worked, with varying degrees of efficiency for a very long damn time. Some times - this being one of them - the old ways are still the best.

Mims (Florida)
Angela Cassell got a nasty surprise while cleaning out her sister’s closet in a home owned by her ailing 78 year old father. For reasons that aren’t clear, Angela’s sister stored a relic from her days in the army in the closet: a live mortar round. Unwilling to disturb dad, Angela solicited help from her sister’s 18 year old son who helped her get the round into her car. Big fun.

After doing some errands and dropping off a passenger, Angela drove over to the Brevard County Sheriff’s office in Titusville. Things got thrilling immediately, when she told them about her donation to Sheriff’s toy collection. As a precaution, the Sheriff’s office was evacuated, while someone came to take the round from the front seat of Angela’s ride. So far, nobody is quite sure how the round got into that closet. When we questioned Spike the Wonder Tyke, his answer was suspiciously Bart Simpson: "I didn’t do it".

Cherry Tree (Pennsylvania)
According to the state police, they have only responded to 35 calls from Cherry Tree during the past year. Most of those calls were routine police calls involving hit and run, or thefts. With a population of 425, Cherry Tree doesn’t need a full time police force, but they do call upon the services of two part-time officers, plus a third officer who works full time at the local school. All things considered, it’s a quiet little town that doesn’t have any meaningful crime problems.

Despite the town’s crime free history a town councilman named Henry Statkowski is pushing a new civil protection ordinance that prods town residents to buy a gun and learn how to use it. Why? Because the state police cabal is 25 miles away and would be no help at all if the Jihadikazes invade Cherry Tree.

"The homeowner is ultimately responsible for the safeguarding of his family. He ought to have the means and the training." (Harry Statkowski as quoted in the Philly Inquirer on 12/06/06)

The town isn’t exactly wild about NYC native Harry’s get a gun notion, but it’s safe to say that he’s giving the quiet town a badly needed taste of Big Apple excitement. PIG has no problem with Harry or his notion, but we suspect that Cherry Tree denizen Joseph Keith has it nailed with this observation: "Why would they need guns here? They’ll shoot themselves."

Crystal Mountain (Washington)
An act of assistance struck close to home while John McCartney and his wife Laurie were skiing at Crystal Mountain. Enjoying the newly fallen carpet of snow, John was dawdling several minutes behind his wife when he noticed some unaccompanied skis wiggling in a snow bank. Deducing that some skier had fallen into a "tree well" (‘a pocket of air created around the base of a tree in deep snow’), John flagged down another skier, Steve Swanson, and together they extricated the trapped woman. John’s good Samaritan act had just saved the life of John’s own wife, Laurie.

Laurie declared both men her heros and she’s not alone. John and Steve were honored with 11 others this week at the Red Cross’s Heroes breakfast.

The 15 homeowners along Baker Road (Katy, Mexas) aren’t exactly thrilled by their new neighbor. The interloper isn’t your usual neighborhood blight, but it’s at least as unwelcome as the ubiquitous crack house. A large yellow sign on Baker Road reveals that the new kid on the block is the Katy Islamic Association (K.I.A.), a Mecca Maniac cabal that plans to build a mosque, a gym and a school on the 11-acre Baker Road site. The homeowners are so unthrilled with their new Islamikaze neighbors they offered "more than a million dollars" to buy the property from K.I.A., but the Islamikazes made it painfully clear that the property is not for sale at any price.

Another, very long term denizen of Baker Road is Craig Baker whose family named the road in the first place. He’s the lucky bastard whose property abuts the new Islamikaze tract, but he has some plans that will thrill the burkas off his new neighbors. He put up his own big yellow sign, but it’s not a "Welcome to the neighborhood, Islamikazes" sign. Craig’s sign announces pig races every Friday night. All things considered, Craig is feeling pretty smug about the idea. He’s particularly proud that the fleet-footed porkers will be doing their stuff beside the property line that separates Craig’s land from K.I.A.’s. Big, big, fun:

‘..."What does it matter, I can do whatever I want with my land right," asked landowner Craig Baker.

Sure can. But aren't pigs on the property line racing on a Friday night a little offensive to a Muslim neighbor?

"The meat of a pig is prohibited in the religion of Islam," said Katy Islamic Association member Youssof Allam. "It's looked upon as a dirty creature."

Yeah, there's that and also that Friday night is a Muslim holy day...’ (Katy, Mexas boob tube outlet KTRK)

Craig’s attitude is understandable. Why? One week after K.I.A. bought the 11 acre parcel, his new neighbors already asked him to pack up his toys, pigs and personal property and leave the land that’s been in his family before there was a Baker Road. Craig’s answer? Pig races every Friday night. Give ‘em hell, Craig. You’re PIG’s kind of guy.

News From Sea To Shining Sea
Source: PIG News Wire [11/30/06]

Minneapolis (Minnesota)
We have an update to last week’s story about Minneapolis’ proud to be a lesbian Police Chief (‘Stateside News Nuggets 11/17/06). Due to the unrelenting accusations - many of which have been settled - Minneapolis mayor, R.T. Rybak, wrote a letter to the city’s executive council in which he admitted that Fire Chief Bonnie Bleskachek no longer had his confidence and unflagging support. As a result of that change in mayoral mood, Fire Chief Bleskachek decided to step down. Bonnie’s two year tenure as Fire Chief has, to say the least, been a real thrill ride:

‘...Three female firefighters have sued, alleging various acts of discrimination and sexual harassment. Two of the lawsuits were settled, but earlier this month, a male firefighter brought another lawsuit alleging he was denied advancement because he is male and not gay.

A city investigation is still under way. This summer, a separate investigation by the city's Department of Civil Rights into a 2003 complaint by a male firefighter - brought when Bleskachek was a battalion chief - found it "likely" that the department gave preferential treatment to lesbians or those who socialized with them...’ (AP)

Chief Bonnie was - reportedly - feeling puny and thus unavailable for comment.

Fire Chief Bonnie’s on-the-job problems had less to do with her sexual "identity" than it did with Bonnie’s fatally-flawed character. She made her own hell and she burned in it. That works just fine for me.

Chicago (Illinois)
Chicago’s Elected Tormentors are steadfastly denying that they "ordered" the organizers of a downtown Chicago Christmas festival - the German Christkindlemarket - to drop New Line Cinema as a sponsor, but those pesky, tattletale chickens insist on returning to their roosts in City Hall.

The original plan had New Line Cinema as a sponsor - ka-ching - in exchange for the studio being allowed to run a loop of their new Christmas flick, ‘The Nativity’ on televisions deployed throughout the event. All things considered, this money for film promo scheme sounds harmless, to a rational adult.

That scheme flew out the window when City Hall started clearing its throat and playing the "we’re pissing off all those non-Christians" card:

"Our guidance was that this very prominently placed advertisement would not only be insensitive to the many people of different faiths who come to enjoy the market for its food and unique gifts, but also it would be contrary to acceptable advertising standards suggested to the many festivals holding events on Daley Plaza." (Jim Law, executive director of the Mayor’s Office of Special Events as quoted by AP on November 27, 2006)

City Hall is half right. They didn’t order festival’s organizers to drop New Line Cinema. BUT, they damn sure pressured the festival into "doing the civic minded thing". New Line Cinema spokeswench, Chritina Kounelias said it all when she opined that nobody in their right mind would be ‘surprised or offended’ by some ‘Nativity’ promos at an even called "Christkindlmarket": "One would assume that if (people) were to go to Christkindlmarket, they'd know it is about Christmas".

If you don’t live in or near Chicagoland and want to give these Chicago political punks the one finger salute, the best way I know involves heading for the nearest theater to watch "The Nativity". If, like PIGster Swino, you’re thisclose to Chicago, the way to give these Chicago asshats the finger involves avoiding this year’s Christkindlmarket like it’s tainted with Ebola.

Stupidity On A Breath-Taking Scale
Source: Golden Oinks 2006 [11/24/06]

A 39-year old Brit windsurfer beat the odds this week, after he went missing while windsurfing off Hampton Roads (Virginia). Evidently, somebody missed this bright bulb and notified the Coast Guard. He was located 13 hours later, an impressive 16 nautical miles from his starting point. His luck was doubly impressive because he went windsurfing while the mid-Atlantic coast was ‘under severe thunderstorm and tornado watches'. As fun as this sounds, the best is yet to come:

When a Coast Guard chopper located this sea going wingnut, he - I swear I’m not making this up - refused to be rescued without his precious board. Leaving it behind was a non-starter, so the chopper summoned an 87-foot patrol boat to pluck this utter and complete fool from a richly-deserved death by drowning. We should make this asshat pay for his rescue. If he refuses, we should fly him back out to the spot where we found him and dump him and his goddamn board back in the ocean. Mother Nature can be trusted to settle the matter with her usual efficiency.

No Love For Urban Outfitters
Source: Golden Oinks 2006 [11/24/06]

Despite the fact that they’re based in Philadelphia, Urban Outfitters isn’t getting much "love", brotherly or otherwise, from the usual suspects. Known for the over-the-top selections in their infamous catalog, Urban Outfitters as at it again.

Admittedly, they set a high bar for catalog incorrectness with such offerings as "Ghettopoly" with its crack houses and housing projects. Other thrill-inducing offering include: matching light up Christmas ornaments that pair a light up Jesus with a light up skull and crossbones; devil sock monkeys; t-shirts bearing a dollar sign and the words "Everybody Loves a Jewish Girl". This year’s heartburn-inducing gem is a Christmas tree ornament in the shape of a gun. You shouldn’t need us to tell you how much that thrilled the ‘guns suck’ lobby. We suspect it has something to do with the sales pitch for this gem: "Bust a cap in your tree with this superglittery ornament in the shape of a handgun, complete with a satin ribbon for hanging."

"The governor doesn't find it humorous or clever to display weapons that are responsible for taking hundreds of lives each year as if they are decorations." (Kate Phillips, spokeswench for Pennsylvania Governor Randell)

Other humor-challenged whiners were "appalled", "outraged", and some demanded that the goodie be withdrawn and Urban Outfitters be forced to apologize. Yeah, right. PIG suspects that Urban Outfitters is enjoying the fuss and planning to laugh all the way to the bank.

Call us names if you must, but our cruise through the on-line Urban Outfitters catalog was endlessly fun. We’re thisclose to ordering a full set of food-related ornaments for the PIG bunker’s tree: cheeseburgers, hotdogs, brewskies, and - of course - pizza. It ain’t Christmas in the PIG bunker without brewskies and pizza.

Stateside News Nuggets
Source: PIG New Wire [11/17/06]

Minneapolis (Minnesota)
Elondo Wright is a fireman with the Minneapolis FD and he’s got a beef with the Fire Chief Bleskachek. Elondo claims that the chief and the chief’s significant other - a captain in the same fire department - are systematically working against Elondo to deny him "advancement opportunities". So far, this sounds like the usual loser employee whining and that could be the case, but this tidbit has some PIG-worthy elements.

The first thing you need to know that Chief Bonnie Bleskachek is a GLAAD BAAG as is her main squeeze, the fire department captain. The next thing you need to know is that this isn’t the first time Chief Bleskachek has been charged with discrimination and harassment. Prior charges alleged that the chief, routinely, lets her personal life interfere with her job. That might explain why the first two lawsuits were settled.

In Elondo’s case, the results aren’t as spiffy. The Minnesota Department of Civil Rights found "probable cause" for the complaint, but the city wasn’t buying it so they didn’t offer him a settlement. Unwilling to accept that, Elondo decided to take his chances in court.

Philly (Pennsylvania)
Nobody disputes the fact that Tanya Bowie belongs in the slammer after pleading guilty to passing more then 300 counterfeit checks. When this cretin got a release, Tanya got nailed for passing an additional 50 bogus checks. That earned Tanya a 2-year graybar stretch, but it also gave the state’s prison authorities a major case of heartburn. Why? Tanya is a post-op transsexual who was "harassed" when he, she, heshe or it was jailed with male inmates. Since the state won’t house Tanya with women, and there’s not tranny prison, they’re keeping herhim in solitary confinement. You shouldn’t need me to tell you how much that thrills the usual GLAAD BAAG suspects.

Pahrump (Nevada)
The town council for this microscopic speck in the Mojave Desert just voted to make flying foreign flags alone, or higher than an American flag illegal. At the same council meeting, the council voted to deny services to border jumping scumbags. The council also declared English the official language. If you think this is odd behavior there’s one additional fact you need to consider. Pahrump is also the town where the king of things that go bump in the night, Art Bell, lives. And now you really do know the rest of the story.

Greenleaf (Idaho)
The Greenleaf City Council wants to be prepared if/when another Katrina class natural disaster strikes and sends refugees fleeing to this placid Idaho town. They decided that the best way to get this job done is Ordinance 208. This ordinance "asks" Greenleaf’s 862 denizens to keep a gun in their home, just in case some wild-eyed interlopers invade the town. The first draft made it mandatory, but a local God Squad padre objected so the council toned it down to give residents who object to having a firearm on religious grounds an out.

This just in! If you’re planning to invade Greenleaf, you might want to know that the whole town is armed and dangerous. In fact, the God Squad padre who objected is a gun owner, too, so proceed at your own risk.

Have It OUR Way
Source: Fox News [11/07/06]

No matter how many free extras you give them, some people just can’t be satisfied. Take, for example, the fast food adventure that unfolded when two cops from the Isleta Pueblo tribal police stopped off at a Los Lunas (New Mexico) Burger King. It all went according to plan until they ‘detected’ the extra ingredient someone had added to their burgers. Using their field test kit they confirmed the fact that some dastardly Burger King minion had turned "Have it your way" on its head by sprinkling the burgers with marijuana.

Faster than a speeding roach clip, the cops launched an investigation that bagged three Burger King employees for "possession" of pot and "aggravated battery on an officer". Far from satisfied, the two officers rented a shyster and sued Burger King for "personal injury, negligence, battery and violation of fair practices".

Oops! Did I Really Sign THAT!
Source: AP [11/04/06]

Empire State
If you live in, or plan to visit the Empire State, we have some troubling news for you. Proving that PIG isn’t the only entity in America that needs to hire more proofreaders, the legicrats perpetrated a bill that sets the legal limit for drunk driving at .18 grams of alcohol in an alleged human’s blood. That means drinking a shot of beer puts you over the new legal limit. The law was intended to specify a level of "0.18 percent blood alcohol content" not 0.18 grams. Oops, indeed.

The stated purpose of the law was to tie a prosecutors’ hands by preventing them from pleading down drunk driving cases to "driving while impaired". The law also increases the penalties for driving with a 0.18 percent blood alcohol content. For now, the legicrats are scrambling to fix the bill by running a new, improved, one up the flagpole, but that will take time. According to this story, the new law won’t be implemented, but we only have some bureaucrat’s word for that and we all know what congenital liars those asshats are.

If you’re in the Empire State and even breath in adult beverage fumes don’t even think about driving, because, under this new law, they’ll nail you in a heartbeat. Don’t say we didn’t warn you, one for the road Sparky.

Palmetto State
A South Carolina state law is quite explicit when it comes to selling adult beverage to minors. Actually, it appears that the law is a tad too explicit, based on a rulings by South Carolina magistrate judges. The government agency on the receiving end of this judicial slap down is SLED (State Law Enforcement Division), South Carolina’s top law enforcement agency.

SLED’s preferred tactic to bust convenience stores that sell adult beverage to minors is, to put it bluntly, entrapment. They use "undercover teens" and send them into a convenience store to buy some adult beverage. If the store makes the sale, the undercover teen turns over the adult beverage and SLED moves in to make the arrest. There’s just one teensy little problem with that scenario. It stumbles over a nifty loophole in the existing state liquor laws:

‘...Allendale lawyer Woody Gooding says because the law says the alcohol must be for the "purpose of consumption" and undercover teens never intend to drink what they buy, clerks aren't breaking the law. In two years, magistrates in Hampton and Allendale counties have dismissed 12 cases against store clerks because of the law's wording...’
(Myrtle Beach Sun News)

SLED and prosecutors from at least two South Carolina counties are taking this issue up the judicial food chain, hoping that their "everyone knows what we meant" argument will short circuit the necessity to change that pesky wording in the law. If anything fun happens on this story, we’ll give you an update.

From Sea to Shining Sea
Source: PIG News Wire [11/02/06]

Washington
The drama began innocently enough when the Eggheads running Bellevue Community College allowed U.S. Senator Maria Cantwell and her special guest U.S. Senator Barak "Hillary’s Nightmare" Obama to stage a campaign rally on campus. In an E-mail announcing the rally, BCC pubic-safety director John Fithian assured anyone, everyone that "The Cantwell campaign has told us BCC students are welcome to attend this event". Big fun, but some BCC students were less welcome than others.

Five BCC students were barred from entering the rally by Cantwell’s thugs because the five students wore red t-shirts bearing the name of Cantwell’s Elephant Clan opponent, Mike McGavick. The five insist they just wanted to show silent, non confrontational support for their own candidate. This contention is supported by the fact that none of them were carrying signs of placards. They were there, in part, because their instructors cancelled classes and told them to go to the rally.

None of this cut any ice with the Cantwell thugs and BCC officials who witnessed the incident allowed the five students to be manhandled by Cantwell’s cretins. They’re paying attention now and making noise about a formal investigation into the incident. Why the change, you ask? Could it have anything to do with the fact that none other than the ACLU voiced its support for the five students? If that didn’t get the Ivory Tower’s attention, a meeting between the five students and the lawyers from the libertarian public-interest law firm, the Institute for Justice, damn sure did. The last thing these BCC Eggheads want is a lawsuit for violating the students’ Constitutional rights.

If anything fun happens on this matter, PIG News will give you an update.

Tennessee
After a night of drinking and making a major ass of himself, a Volunteer State denizen named Thomas Montgomery achieved room temperature when, drunk as a skunk, he fell into a Tennessee river and drown. Sad story, but so what, you ask? Fair enough. To a rational adult, it sounds like Tommy boy reaped what he sowed. But, to his grieving widow, Edwina, Tommy boy’s death was caused by the Gondolier Italian Restaurant and a taxi driver name Ken Kirkland. Why them?

The Gondolier folks twisted Tommy boy’s arm and gave him his final few drinks after Tommy boy visited countless other adult beverage emporiums. According to Edwina, they never should have topped Tommy off when he was "obviously" gunned to the gills. Eventually, the Gondolier crew poured Tommy boy into Ken Kirland’s cab for a ride home where Edwina awaited him.

‘...Taxi driver Ken Kirkland is also named in the suit for allegedly forcing Montgomery out of the cab after a "disagreement," leaving him on the side of the highway with a 0.33 blood-alcohol level. Kirkland then allegedly called police to let them know that Montgomery was "probably wandering around right next to the traffic." Authorities were unable to locate the prominent Gatlinburg realtor until two days later, when his body was found floating in a river underneath a bridge...’ (Court TV News)

Edwina is outraged, but she’s willing to get over it for a cool $7.5 million in dead presidents. The first $5 million is for punitive damages. The remaining $2.5 million should cover the loss of Tommy boy’s "consortium" plus assorted other shyster bull crap claims. Edwina and her shysters are willing to blame anyone and everyone except the one person who perpetrated this untimely demise: Thomas Montgomery.

Florida
A cellidiot named Noel Methot was doing what comes naturally to cellidiots: yammering on the phone instead of paying attention to her driving. That made life damn exciting for those Orlando denizens who got in her way. Noel got so engrossed in the argument she was having with her boyfriend over the cell phone that she didn’t see that the road she was on ended a short distance ahead. After nearly hitting a woman out walking her dog, Noel and her ride went airborne for 20 to 30 feet when it plunged down an embankment into Lake Haven.

PIG is bummed to report that this cellidiot survived the plunge into Lake Haven. Shaken, but not stirred, she emerged with a few bumps and bruises, but no life-threatening injuries. She is looking at some kind of traffic infractions, but we predict that she’ll be back behind the wheel, yammering on that damn phone, as soon as the legal "dust" settles.

Winter Haven (Florida)
Winger Haven Police Chief Paul Goward took a long hard look at his 83 sworn police officers and decided that there was way too much flab in the ranks. Determined to get the officers’ undivided attention Chief Goward gave them a heads-up:

‘...Chief of Police Paul Goward sent an e-mail to his 83 sworn officers saying lay off the burgers, booze, and ice cream. The subject line asked, "Are you a jelleybelly?" It went on to say "…we didn't hire you unfit and we don't want you working unfit."...’ (10 News)

Chief Goward made his meaning clear by telling the officers to lay off the fast food, adult beverage and sweets. Did his message resonate with his officers? Somewhat, but there were enough whining jelly bellies in the ranks to make the job intolerable for Chief Goward. That’s right, PIGsters, after 36 years on the job, the Chief resigned, rather than fight with a bunch of badge-packing whiners.

Jacksonville (North Carolina)
Philip Mortan got more than he expected when he bought his son an "Elite Operations Role Play Set: Police" at a local Toy’s "R" Us outlet. The toy has a spiffy feature meant to thrill the socks off the tykes. When the nightstick is pulled out of the utility belt a recording plays: "Stop, I don’t want to have to pull out my nightstick". Big fun, but Philip got the extra special version that includes what sounds like an "f-bomb" in addition to the aforementioned verbiage. Now, Philip is forced to explain why his tyke is dropping "f-bombs" wherever he goes.

Philip returned the toy and got a different one that plays the regulation message but he fears that the damage is already done. And how was your day, Sparky?

Maricopa County (Arizona)
Maricopa County Sheriff, Joe Arpaio, is a dude who has earned some rave reviews for his polices here on the PIGdom. Joe is, I’m compelled to admit, very, VERY popular with the PIG staff. Every time somebody passes around another Joe Arpaio story, the usual PIG staff suspects start chanting: "Go Joe, go." His latest stunt is another gem that’s guaranteed to give Colonistas heartburn. What’s he up to this time? You’re going to love it.

Joe is conducting mandatory, two week long courses in English, for non-English speaking inmates. At the end of the class these "eager" students must pass a test ‘to see how well they learned about American government, the words to "God Bless America" and the communication of health and safety needs’. The test will assess how well they paid attention during the two hours a day classes on the ‘three branches of American government, how a bill becomes a law, state government, law enforcement and court services’, plus pertinent jailhouse terminology that will come in handy. We known what you want, so here are some well-chosen Joe Arpaio words: "These inmates happen to be incarcerated in the United States of America and in Maricopa County where I run the jails. And we speak English here, not foreign languages."

I wonder how Joe Arpaio would feel about running for President of the USA? With his problem solving abilities and his gift for finding innovative solutions to some very sticky problems that might defeat a lesser man, Joe is prime Oval Office material. The instant he took office, the Jihadikazes who are turning Iraq into a killing ground would be well advised to get out of Dodge. How would he fix Iraq? We don’t know and neither does Joe, yet. Based on his track record, Joe will think of something and when he does it will be amazing, but very damn effective. Vote early. Vote often. Vote Joe Arpaio for president.

False Advertising?
Source: St. Petersburg Times [10/21/06]

According to the school’s hype, Learning Gate Community School in Lutz (Florida) is ecologically friendly to a fault. ‘We’re green and damn proud of it’, their self-serving hot air insists. Oh really? Then why did your school just get busted by the local bureaucrats - for the second time in a month - because they were caught ‘clear-cutting cherry, oak and laurel trees and removing ground cover without permits’ (Times). Apparently, Learning Gate Community School teaches a vastly different meaning for "green" than the one employed by Hillsborough County’s bureaucrats. Bold new concept.

The school’s principal - she’s also the property’s landowner - Patti Girard, is pleading ignorance. Nobody, it seems, informed her that the trees in question - four oak, four black cherry and twelve cherry laurel - were protected. She knows now, and is, per a county edict, required to ‘put together a tree restoration plan’.

As amused as we are by this school’s hypocrisy when it comes to calling itself "green", that duplicitous hot air misses the point. Since the school is on private land, why is it any of the Nanny State’s damn business what Patti Girard chooses to do with her own trees? Her land, her trees, butt the hell out Nanny State Sparky sums the situation up perfectly.

From Sea To Shining Sea
Source: PIG’s American News Wire [10/16/06]

Evansville (Indiana)
The killjoys running Vanderburgh County’s graybar hotel are determined to take all the joy out of an inmate’s pathetic existence. The same justice wranglers who long for the ‘good old days’ when the rack and the thumbscrew were the preferred way to inspire an inmate to rehabilitate himself imposed a dress code for women coming to visit prisoners. That’s right, a dress code.

‘...The new policy, posted at the jail's front desk, states that women cannot wear halter tops, sleeveless dresses and shirts, see-through garments, revealing dresses, and shorts cut higher than 2 inches above the knee. Spandex and "extremely tight fitting" jeans or pants also are frowned upon. "Adult female visitors, as well as females who would have need of a bra, shall be required to wear a bra," the draft policy also states...’ (Evansville Courier & Press)

The days when Gary Grabar Guest could take a trip down mammary lane when his female visitor flashed her sweater puppies are over and that’s a damn shame. Cruel and unusual punishment? You better believe it slammer dwelling Sparky.

Escondido (Mexifornia)
The city council passed a new ordinance that bans landlords from renting to border jumping scumbags. This new law requires that all landlords in the city submit documentation, for each of its tenants, to the city. The city will then verify the tenants status with the feds. It the tenant passes muster, no harm, no foul. If the tenant is proven to be a border jumper, the landlord has 10 days to evict the tenant or lose his business license with the city. If the landlord is a repeat offender, misdemeanor charges and fines are possible.

When the news of this decision reached the crowd outside the council chambers, police in riot gear maintained order while the two sides of the border jumping scumbag "debate" exchanged shouted pleasantries.

Whining For Dollars
Source: AP [10/14/06]

Lucille Greene is mad as hell at the U.S. Postal Service and she’s not going to take it anymore. A youthful, 88-years young, Lucille is still fuming about a close encounter with postal clerk abuse that occurred when she was mailing some fruitcakes as gifts at Christmas time in 2002. That’s right 2002. She got her nose so far out of joint that she rounded up a shyster and is suing for "emotional distress". Big, big fun.

‘...Greene showed up at the Magnolia post office (Wilmington, Delaware) to mail fruitcakes to relatives and friends when, her lawsuit says, a postal worker asked her, "What kind of explosives do you have in here?" before shaking the box. In the lawsuit, Greene said others in the post office laughed at her, leaving her upset and in tears. She said she tripped over a concrete parking barrier outside and fell, breaking her glasses and chipping a tooth...’

We’re pleased to report that this week, a judge shot down her lawsuit, including her demand for $250,000 in compensation. Nice try, Lucille, now get over it and get on with your life. Don’t make me come over there.

Big Fun In Big Sky Country
Source: CBS (Montana) [10/12/06]

On the off chance that you’re a diehard fan of Alberton High School’s gridiron warriors, we have some distressing news for you. The powers that be in the school just cancelled the rest of the football season. Why? The smoking gun involves pictures and/or a video of a hazing incident that resets the bar for Big Sky Country fun. The incident itself is one I’d like to see. The lucky winner of the "it’s your turn to get hazed" lottery was - we are not making this up - taped to the roof, inside of the bus with duct tape.

As fun as this taped to the roof of the bus sounds, it was not exactly thrilling for the lad’s parents when they found those tattletale images. In a heartbeat, they were complaining to the school and from there, the hazing incident became the hottest story in Montana. In addition to an emergency meeting of the school board with concerned parents, an investigation is under way by the Mineral County Sheriff’s Department. The crowning glory for this epic will be the lawsuit the lad’s parents are contemplating.

Call us names if that thrills you, but PIG gives the duct tape wranglers on the Alberton High School football team top marks for ingenuity. They staged a spiffy hazing stunt that, as far as we know, didn’t inflict any temporary or lasting bodily harm on their "victim". That sounds like "no harm, no foul" to us, how about you?

Bureaucratic Brain-Fart
Source: Gainesville Sun [10/07/06]

A year ago, Levy County (Florida) had a bumper crop of volunteers working in their county library system. One short year later, last year’s 55 volunteers have dwindled down to a paltry 2. What happened? The county perpetrated a War On Drugs edict that requires all county volunteers to pass a mandatory drug test. To make sure that nobody cheats on these tests, the test subject must do his or her business at a county-authorized drug testing lab while a lab employee stays within earshot to make sure nobody cheats. That, we’re told, is a non-starter for the library system’s missing volunteers. Why? You’re going to love it.

The missing volunteers aren’t drugged out losers. They are, we’ll have you know, a young at heart group whose ages range from 60 to 85. They aren’t exactly the type of volunteer who is likely to know that name and address of every drug connection in Levy County, but don’t try telling that to the relevant bureaucrats.

‘... our public risk management insurance says we should treat volunteers no differently that any other employees. This is just the days that we are in and we know that there are some people who aren't happy about this, but it is something we are requiring if anyone wants to volunteer." (Brain-dead Levy County bureaucrat Fred Moody)

This self-inflicted drug testing wound is still festering and it’s not likely to heal until pinheads like Fred Moody pull their head out of their butt. There’s a good reason why Fred Moody works for the government: no self-respecting capitalist would hire someone that goddamn stupid. Drug tests for senior citizens who want to help restock library shelves? Give me a break!

Double Dose of West Virginia Fun
Source: PIG News Wire [10/04/06]

These West Virginia epics go a long way toward explaining, to our satisfaction, why West Virginians keep punching those chads for Blithering Bobby Byrd.

Show and Tell
West Virginia State Senator Randy White, a Donkey Clan hack from Webster County, is scrambling after someone leaked photos of him show the voters a whole new perspective on this Elected Tormentor. We know what you’re thinking and you’re close, but these shots don’t show him getting horizontal and squishy with any-damn-body. They do show Randy frolicking with two other dudes, covered only in body paint. According to Randy the images are two years old and were stolen from his computer by someone who wants to derail his re-election bid.

The images found their way to a local boob tube outlet where they were showed - in slightly censored form - during a story about an attempt to blackmail Mr. White. There’s more going on here, but we’ll let you do your own "reading between the lines", based on this AP prose:

‘...[In a letter to the fishwraps in his district, Senator White] wrote that he had been working with his family to overcome a "personal identification situation" and to overcome depression for which he has been treated through medication for over a year. "I am a religious person and have been for some months praying to God to help my family and me through this tragic and troubling episode in my life," the letter said...’ (AP)

If you’re getting a "recovering GLAAD BAAG" impression from this letter, join the club.

Damn That Was Close
It’s a story that might strike a cord with every married couple. He has a ratty old shirt - a red and black checkered flannel shirt in this instance - that he loves and she hates. Finally, in a bid to separate hubby from his sorry looking shirt, the wife - Ruth Ferrell of Cross Lanes, West Virginia - donates the shirt to the Goodwill. When hubby asked her about the shirt a couple days later, she fessed up, then he reminded her of something she knew but forgot:

‘...Walter Ferrell had stashed $2,000 - the couple's savings for a trip to Europe - in a pocket in the shirt. "He said in the beginning that we needed to put it in the bank. But I said, 'Let's just hide it somewhere,'" Ruth Ferrell said Monday. "He told me where some time ago, but I hadn't thought more about it." "That shirt made him look awful," she said. "He probably hid the money in there because he knew I hated it."...’ (AP)

They made a mad dash to the local Goodwill where an honest Goodwill worker who had found their stash, had their loot waiting for them. For her honesty, the Goodwill worker, Marilyn Williams, got $100 thank you from the relieved couple. Did Ruth Ferrell learn her lesson? Not exactly. She’s still ready willing and able to toss out hubby’s eyesore clothes, but from now on, she vows she’ll check the pockets, first.

Fullerton (Mexifornia)
Southern Mexifornia’s big kid on the boom box block, KFI 640 AM, is in a whiz-a-thon over a new antenna they want to build in La Mirada (Mexifornia). They need the new tower to replace the old one that was thrashed when a Cessna 182 plowed into the old, 760 foot tall tower. There’s just one teensy problem that is holding up progress on the replacement tower. The building site - the same site as the old one - is a mere 3/4 mile from the runway of the Fullerton Municipal Airport. According to the plane wranglers, the old radio tower was a hazard to navigation that has caused three pilot deaths since the 1970's. Not exactly an epidemic, but enough to give the flyboys heartburn.

The story became more fun when the FAA looked into the proposed antenna and deemed the proposed new 680 foot antenna no harm, no foul. That doesn’t thrill airport officials spitless, so they are mounting a full court press defense for a forthcoming meeting by the La Mirada planning commission, the body that can green light the new antenna.

Washington D.C.
The U.S. Supreme Court will hear a case that involves the way a Washington (State) teachers’ union uses union member dues for political causes. This case traces its roots back to a 1992 campaign finance law that required unions to get the consent of each union member before they could use the member’s dues for political causes. That law hit a speed bump in the Washington Supreme Court which overturned the ruling, spouting drivel about the union’s free speech rights. It’s interesting to note that the dissenting justices pointed out that the ruling "turned to First Amendment on its head" by elevating the union’s alleged "rights" over the legitimate rights of individual union members.

PIG will watch this case with great interest. It would be nice if inalienable individual liberty posted a win in the top court, for a change.

Houston’s Crime Problem
Source: Houston Chronicle [09/22/06]

You won’t need a Nostradamus quatrain to deduce that Houston is in the middle of a crime wave, some of which is being perpetrated by the Hurricane Katrina refugees whom they invited to live among them. Many - perhaps most - of the refugees put down roots, got jobs and became "Houstonians". Certain others are plying the desperado trade, a fact that’s not lost on a local capitalist who just happens to sell firearms for a living. Putting 2 and 2 together gun shop owner Jim Pruett came up with 4 in a spiffy boom box advertisement.

‘...Pruett's radio ad says, "When the 'Katricians' themselves are quoted as saying the crime rate is gonna go up if they don't get more free rent, then it's time to get your concealed-handgun license."...’ (Houston Chronicle)

The hostility between the Katrina refugees and their Mexas hosts is increasing and that has the usual Enthocrat suspects alarmed. ‘Black activists’ held a meeting to discuss the situation. Included in their talking points was Jim Pruett’s boom box ad, plus gubernatorial candidate Kinky Friedman’s remarks that pinned the spike in Houston’s crime rate on "crackheads and thugs" who moved to the city from New Orleans.

One final note on Jim Pruett seems in order. Sales at Jim Pruett’s Guns and Ammo are up 50% from last year. He doesn’t necessary blame the increase on Katrina refugees, but he’s open to the possibility. Rumors that Houston’s official motto will be changed to "lock and load" can’t be confirmed at this time.

Fighting The Good Fight
Source: AP [09/20/06]

Suffolk County (New York) is stepping up to the plate in the fight against border jumping scumbags. By a 15 - 3 margin, the Suffolk County legislature voted to punish/penalize firms that hire illegal aliens. The spiffy part about this bill is that it only applies to the 6,000 companies and agencies that have contracts with the county. First time offenders will be looking at fines and/or jail time. Repeat offenders could forfeit their contract.

You don't need a quatrain from Nostradamus to predict that the usual border jumping coddling suspects are hopping mad about this move by Suffolk County. In addition to calling it "anti-immigrant" - a brazen lie - they go on to blither that nobody has proof that firms doing business with the county hires illegal aliens. They insist that this law is smoke and mirrors since everyone "knows" it's not needed. Heaven forbid that there are any border jumping scumbags working for a Suffolk County vendor. Yeah, right, Sparky, but if this law is so unnecessary, why are you whining about it?

Biting The Hand That Feeds You
Source: AP [09/16/06]

It's mildly ironic when denizen of Maine drives an SUV that has a license plate that reads "I love New York". The ride belongs to Dan Lewis and his wife Sherry, both of whom have lived in the Big Apple, but that's not the reason they have this NYC venerating plate. Big Apple native, Sherry, got the plate to show solidarity after the 9/11 attacks.

All things considered, this should be only a mild annoyance to Maine denizens. Should be, but isn't. Why? Oh, did we forget to mention that Dan Lewis is the director for Maine's Office of Tourism? It must have slipped my mind. It didn't slip the minds of certain Maine-dwelling bloggers who find the plate "inappropriate". Next time, tell the ball and chain to buy a t-shirt, Danny boy. It will save everybody a lot of heartburn.

Assorted American News Nuggets
Source: PIG News Wire [09/15/06]

Alexandria (Tennessee)
The fun started in August when the hacks running Alexandria decided to save taxpayer money by limiting the city’s police activity to nighttimes. During the day, the citizens would be forced to take their chances, hoping that, like vampires, Alexandria’s desperados were allergic to sunlight. Big, big fun.

The move by the city saved more money than they expected when the police chief and his two full-time officers quit at the end of their shift on August 23. The repercussions came fast and furious after the local media hammered the city hacks for being such utter and complete morons. In a heartbeat the policy was revoked and the search for a new police force got started.

A new police chief was hired the day after the resignations, but that didn’t stop local capitalists - the bank being a prime example - from hiring private, armed security guards. At press time, the new police chief is all that passes for law and order in Alexandria, so the "welcome desperados" mat is still deployed at the city’s boundaries.

Lafayette (Mexifornia)
The hacks running this left coast blight decided that it’s time to make life miserable for certain local capitalists and assorted Lafayette denizens by hiring a new code-enforcement punk. In addition to hounding citizens who leave their trash cans by the curb too long after trash pick up, this clown will terrorize local businesses that use sandwich board signs on the sidewalk to attract customers. This new bureaucratic blight is empowered to determine when a business’s signage is "excessive".

As thrilling as this crackdown sounds, it gets better. Taxpayers get more than the thrill of being pestered by this new bureaucrat, they get to pay for it with higher parking rates and more parking meters.

Concord (New Hampshire)
When it came to re-appoint The Granite State’s port director, everyone seemed to agree that Geno Marconi was good to go for another turn at swilling from the tax-funded trough. He got this "renewal" despite a political food fight over certain "racist" prose that Geno laid on "Captain A" in front of Geno’s staff and some stevedores. Geno’s "insensitive" lip-flapping didn’t end there, since he’s also accused of aiming other "racist slurs" at Jews and Asians. Despite all these "loose lips" episodes, Geno will be given his return trip to the public funded trough. But, he’ll be forced to make a pitstop at a Korrectnik goodie called "Diversity Training".

As fun as Geno sounds - and he’s a thrill a minute - we do have a few "issues" with this story. The Korrectnik punks at the Seattle Post-Intelligencer wandered all over the countryside to avoid giving us a meaningful hint about the "racist" prose Geno laid on the Captain A. The closest these so-called journalists come is this pathetic crap:

‘A racist term that refers to someone of Middle Eastern descent’.

As colorful as our PIGish prose gets, we’re hard pressed to pin down any term that could, or should, be called racist when it comes to those the Post-Intelligencer calls "Middle Eastern". If you have Geno on speed dial, ring him up and ask him what the hell he said that landed him in the diversity training bull’s-eye. Once you have that info, send it our way. It’s your solemn duty, PIGsters.

Gallatin (Tennessee)
Mayor Don Wright, swears that it seemed like a spiffy idea at the time. The 9 year incumbent isn’t that sure, now, with a hotly contested election looming in November. Don’s life got interesting when a film-maker named Glen Weiss pitched the idea of filming a scene for his new flick in the mayor’s office. Eager to get started, Don Wright jumped at the chance to promote film-making in his city. The scene in his offices was filmed on August 13th (a GASP Sunday), but Don didn’t get around to notifying the relevant authorities until last Thursday (September 14). This puts him in a bind, thanks to this nifty bit of Gallatin fun:

‘...Use of city facilities, including the mayor's office, for filmmaking is not allowed under Section 13-125 of the Gallatin Municipal Code, unless otherwise authorized by the City Council...’ (Tennessean)

The fly in the ointment isn’t this unauthorized filming per se. It’s the fact that this unauthorized filming involved a presumably tawdry flick that will sully the town’s spotless reputation. The film centers on a female super hero who "polices the skies with an iron fist". So far, so good but there’s big fun on the way. She gets her name and her powers from - we’re not making this up - a pair of red thong undies that give her magical powers. We’re wondering why the title alone didn’t elicit a question - or two - from Donny boy: "Thong Girl 3: Revenge of the Dark Widow". Don’s in hot water, and there’s more big fun in the offing: closing the town square on October 1st for another Thong Girl 3 scene.

More Don info: If Don’s name sounds familiar, you might remember his last adventure in the spotlight. He’s the horndog who landed in hot water earlier this year after a female city employee complained that Don humiliated her by asking if she had breast implants. Don’s such a fun guy, he might qualify for a slot on the PIG staff if this mayoral thing doesn’t pan out.

Hazelton Backs Off
Source: AP [09/09/06]

Hazelton (Pennsylvania) is in a headlong retreat from the tough immigration policy that earned them well-deserved PIGish kudos and elevated their mayor, Lou Barletta, to hero of the week status. Despite the claim that the re-write of this tough law isn’t a retreat, the facts speak for themselves:

‘...The revisions, however, remove much of the burden that had been placed on businesses. They soften penalties, give landlords and businesses time to correct violations and leaving it to city officials to verify workers' immigration status with the federal government...’

‘...Last week, the city of 31,000 residents agreed not to enforce the original law after the American Civil Liberties Union and Hispanic groups sued in federal court to overturn it. In return, the plaintiffs agreed not to seek an injunction against the city. Under the agreement, Hazleton must give the plaintiffs at least 20 days' notice before it begins enforcing the replacement law - enough time for the ACLU to head back into court to try to stop it...’ (AP)

We have a soft spot for Mayor Lou, so it’s a major downer to watch him marching to the ACLU’s tune. If Mayor Lou stays on this border jumper coddling, ACLU venerating path, he’s headed for Girlieman of the Week.

From Sea To Shining Sea
Source: PIG News Wire [09/07/06]

Myrtle Beach (South Carolina)
The drama unfolded with explosive results when an alert Myrtle Beach denizen noticed a suspicious metal box strapped to a pylon under the 14th Avenue North pier. Before you could shout "fire in the hole" the proper authorities were summoned to the scene. The Horry County P.D.’s Explosive Ordinance Disposal team cleared out the Pier 14 restaurant, escorted civilians a safe distance from the danger zone, then, ever so carefully, checked out the device. After deducing that it didn’t belong to any known agency, they concluded that it was a very sophisticated pipe bomb. Treating it like any other explosive device, they blew the damn thing up. Later, they found out it was a device put there by the USGS to measure the wave height, wave frequency and storm surge from Ernesto. Originally slated for the 2nd street pier, they relocated it to the 14th street location at the last minute.

Manning (Iowa)
It’s accurate to report that Roger Schmiedeskamp is a dude with several "irons" in the fire. One of those irons involves joining several other, like-minded men in appearing on a calendar whose proceeds will raise money for the local Rotary Club. Roger’s picture has him superimposed on an old schoolhouse room behind a desk. He’s "nearly" naked - shirtless and his legs are bard under the desk - a fact that has thrilled some of the locals spitless. Why? Oh, did we forget to mention that Roger "Mr. August" Schmiedeskamp is also the local school superintendent? It must have slipped our mind.

Despite some parental carping, Roger isn’t likely to be shelved, since, so far, the local school board is backing him.

Washington, D.C.
The U.S. government’s fish wranglers report some strange critters lurking in the Potomac River and its tributaries. We know what you’re thinking, and for once you’re wrong. This tidbit has nothing to do with Teddy "The Swimmer" Kennedy, although, come to think about it, I would put him high on the contributing factors list. The strange critter is not a jumbo size Senator in a speedo, it’s a gender bending "male" fish that exhibits pronounced female traits. The lab coated crowd calls these mutated male fish "intersex" fish, noting that, among other things, some of them are producing immature eggs in their testes. Making this discovery doubly puzzling, the female fish seem unchanged by the "mysterious" gender bending quality of the Potomac and it’s tributaries.

Uncle Sam’s biological wizards point the fickle finger of blame at pollutants - certain chemicals and pesticides that stimulate the production of the female hormone estrogen. That sounds rational enough and it might be a contributing factor, but it overlooks a much more virulent form of pollution that’s thisclose to the Potomac River. I refer, of course, to a notorious, reality warping outpost of the Twilight Zone called Washington D.C. With all the hot air, bovine excrement lunacy on steroids that’s perpetrated on Capitol Hill, it’s small wonder that this unrelenting, elected tormentor sludge would poison the local waters. After listening to the unrelenting NO NAD carping that dominates Demoncrat alleged thinking, it’s a slam dunk that some female fish in a flannel shirt and sensible shoes hounded her "man" into channeling his inner chick.

All things considered, maybe I was a tad too hasty when I absolved The Swimmer of culpability when I started this mini rant. Maybe it’s time for an APB on The Swimmer. Drag the liberal lard ass in and give him the 3rd, 4th and 5th degree.

Colorado
In the first month under the tough new immigration law passed by the Centennial State, DMV officials have busted at least 1,700 border jumping scumbags for trying to get Colorado driver’s license using fake documents. The state’s strict identification check is working better than expected.

‘...As residents come into DMV offices to get state ID cards or driver's licenses, they're asked to present birth certificates and immigration papers such as passports and green cards to prove they are in the United States legally. Those documents are then run through the federal SAVE (Systematic Alien Verification of Entitlements) system to verify the applicant's legal immigration status...’ (AP)

When the applicant’s documents are deemed insufficient, they are asked to meet with investigators. So far, of the estimated 2,100 who were headed for this investigation, 177 followed through and were cleared for a state sanctioned I.D. The rest - the bulk of those caught - never found the time to schedule a meeting with the state officials. All of the applicants who were caught with bogus documents and didn’t schedule a meeting with investigators will be thrilled to learn that Colorado officials passed their names along to U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials.

PIG confers heartfelt kudos on Colorado for its contribution to the war against the border jumping scumbag invasion.

Albuquerque (New Mexico)
Certain lead-footed drivers are more than a tad pissed about the way the city’s speed camera cabal handles their alternative compliance with certain traffic laws. We know what you’re thinking but, once again, you’re wrong. The lead-footed drivers in question are city employees who are caught violating certain traffic laws while they are piloting a city vehicle. Big, big fun.

The source of this lead-footed angst is the way the city chooses to handle the infractions. Instead of sending the driver to traffic court, the city - the owner of record for the vehicles involved - simply pays the fine "preemptively" then deducts the relevant fine from the lead-footed city employee’s paycheck. How, you ask, is this a source of angst? According to certain city employed lead-foots, this policy "violates the U.S. and New Mexico constitutions by denying these drivers "due process". They want their hearing so they can try to talk themselves out of that traffic ticket.

The final decision on this policy rests with the city attorney who promised to "look into" the city’s policy and determine if they are complying with the relevant state and federal laws.

Duluth (Minnesota)
Faces are red - very red - in Duluth’s police department. An observant reporter from the Duluth News Tribune - Janna Goerdt - is the one who laid the spiffy fact on them. She clued them in after she overheard another news team discussing some curious horticulture in the planter near the front door of the West Duluth police station. Leaving nothing to chance, she plucked a leaf from one of the plants and sought a professional opinion from Duluth City Gardener, Tom Kasper. Tom didn’t need any help in identifying the plant as - drum roll - marijuana.

In record time, Janna had a news scoop about the West Duluth police station removing a dozen 4 to 6 inch high pot plants from the police station’s planter. Lt. John Beyer, a neighborhood supervisor at the station, said it all when he opined, "Somebody has a sense of humor." Truer words, PIGsters. Truer words.

The Big Apple (New York)
An Empire State denizen named Cheryl Horsfall is, you’ll soon discover, a woman who can roll with the punches and turn lemons into lemonade. A freelance ad copywriter, Cheryl got a rude awakening when she did a header into brain-dead Nanny State bureaucracy while she was between jobs. After applying for some unemployment coverage, she got a letter from a state bureaucracy that denied Cheryl’s claim because, in the eyes of the Empire State, Cheryl is dead.

After assuring the state bureaucrats that she was still among the living - a very hard sell as it turned out - Cheryl decided to celebrate her "dead as far as New York is concerned" status by throwing herself a wake. Cheryl describes the event this way:

"In Texas, where I moved from in 1990, we have something called Day of the Dead. We pay homage to people who've passed on. Death is treated as a part of life, not something to be afraid of. I decorated my apartment and created an iPod full of the music of dead musicians. There was lots of tequila, sangria and coconut cake, which is a very funeral-like cake. I sent invitations to my friends and all my ex-boyfriends." (NY Daily News)

A good time was had by all and, eventually, Cheryl got her "I’m still alive, morons" hearing. By the time the Empire State pinheads got up to speed on Cheryl’s "still among the living" status, she no longer needed their help. Cheryl Horsfall is, to say the least, a good sport with a great sense of humor. PIG likes her style and you can quote us.

Over Here - PIG-Worthy News From Sea to Shining Sea
Source: PIG News Wire [08/25/06]

Del Rio (Mexas)
Border jumping scumbags are finding out the hard way that this 210 mile long section of the Texas-Mexico border is a zero tolerance zone. The local authorities decided that just sending the invaders home isn’t enough, so they, routinely, arrest the border jumpers, try them in a court of law, and, frequently, incarcerate them before kicking them out of the USA. The following tidbits from an AP story give you the big picture:

While other border sectors avoided strict enforcement because they did not have enough jail space or prosecutors, authorities in the Del Rio area found bed space elsewhere in the region, assigned federal agents to help prosecute cases and began running illegal immigrants through a courtroom at a rate of one case per minute.

In the Del Rio sector, every adult illegal immigrant, regardless of their home country, is criminally prosecuted and removed from the country after they have served his sentence. "They know if they come (to Del Rio) they are going home, they are going to jail." (Hilario Leal Jr., a supervisory Border Patrol agent in the Del Rio sector)

Is it working? Apparently. Before this zero tolerance policy, border patrol agents were bagging, on average, 500 border jumpers a day in the Del Rio sector. Now, it’s down below 100 a day. So far this fiscal year, arrests are down by an impressive 29%.

Watertown (Mass.)
After attending the First Baptist Church for 60 years, Mary Lambert got evicted from the Sunday school teaching role she fulfilled for the last 11 years. Why? Thanks to a full court press padre named Tim LaBouf who took charge two years ago, Watertown’s First Baptist Church is reverting to "that old time religion". Confused? Don’t be, because this "men are men and you’re not" drama is fully explained in the "you’re outta here wench" letter Mary got from the church:

‘...The letter Lambert received says, "A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent. For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became sinner." The letter was signed, "Thank you for your anticipated cooperation. Very truly yours, Kendra LaBouf." Kendra is the wife of City Council Member and Pastor Tim LaBouf...’ (News 10)

Thus sayeth Lord Tim LaBouf: "Weareth thy burka that it may be well with thee."

Brighton (Mass)
This Nanny State epic begins in the wee hours of the morning, when a desperado climbs an external staircase outside a home. Once at the top of the stairs, the desperado tried to force entry by kicking down the door. The door didn’t budge, but the rickety stairway collapsed sending the desperado plunging to the ground and a long overdue encounter with the grim reaper. No harm, no foul? Not exactly.

The city’s bureaucrats cited the homeowner for having "an unsafe and dangerous structure" at his home. If you’re smelling a "when all else fails punish the rational adult" epic in the making, join the club.

Seattle (Washington)
When a hydroplane caught fire in the harbor, the Seattle Fire Department seized the opportunity to give their new fire fighting craft, Engine 1, its baptism of fire. It would give them a chance to show those upstarts in the Seattle Police Department’s Harbor Patrol what a fresh off the assembly line $1.7 million dollar fire boat can do. Smug over their new craft’s specs - a 6,000 gallon per minute pumping capacity - the fire department rushed Engine 1 to the scene. Did they save the day? Not exactly.

When Engine 1 arrived on the scene they found a Patrol 1, a police boat with a fire hose, trying to put out the fire. Engine 1 with its powerful water cannon was made to order...on paper:

‘..."As soon as Engine 1 was ready to initiate an attack, we shut our pumps down and maneuvered out of the way," [Police Sgt. Kevin] Haistings said.

The monitors on Engine 1 can fire a stream of water or foam mixed with water at 2,000 gallons a minute. But when the new vessel steamed over to the burning hydroplane and the switch was thrown to start pouring water on the blaze, Engine 1 failed to perform. The stream that came out was little more than a trickle. The crew was horrified.

"I probably took it the hardest, 'cause I didn't expect it," [fire engineer Dick] Chester said.

With the hydro still in flames, the police boat Patrol 4 took over the attack, blasting the burning vessel with foam from one of its monitors...’ (Seattle Post Intelligencer)

Bad is having an expensive new fire boat that doesn’t work properly. "D’oh" is having it fail so spectacularly in front of your arch fire fighting rivals in the Harbor Patrol. Fear not PIGsters the problem has been tracked down - the engines are so powerful they cause unforeseen problems - but until a fix is implemented, Engine 1 is beached.

Jeannette (Pennsylvania)
The trouble started when a vintage Jeannette denizen named Alexandria Carasia began whining to the cops that the neighbor’s feline used her flower garden as its litterbox. Eventually, tired of the old bat’s carping and the cops incessant calls, the neighbors got rid of their feline. Did that end the matter? Get real.

This week Suzie Sunshine - AKA Alexandria - filed a formal complaint with the cops because the 14 year old lad whose cat was exiled from the ‘hood "meows" every time he passes Alexandria. In a rational world the justice system should tell Alexandria to put a sock in it and get over herself. But, we’re depressed to report that District Judge Joseph DeMarchis decided to wait 90 days before ruling. We are so profoundly goddamn unamused it can’t be quantified.

Rainbow Blues In Kansas
Source: PIG News Wire [08/15/06]

JR and Robin Knight got a taste of Kansas hospitality, the moment they hoisted a rainbow flag over a Mead (Kansas) bed and breakfast named the Lakeway Hotel and Restaurant. We know what you’re thinking, and, as usual, you’re wrong. Yes, JR and Robin did move to Kansas from Mexifornia, but the rainbow flag has nothing to do with GAAD BAAGism. Nope, the flag was their 12-year-old son’s idea because he said it reminded him of Kansas and “The Wizard of Oz”.

Did the locals greet the Knights warmly? Yes, and no. Obsessing on that damn flag, many stopped patronizing the Lakeway eatery. Others expressed their feelings more forcefully, tossing bricks through a front window and thrashing a couple of neon signs. Eventually, someone went for the brass ring and cut down the rainbow flag. Big, big fun.

GLAAD BAAG coddling groups near and far are rallying to the Knights defense, a fun fact that must really thrill the locals. To be fair, PIG News must admit that many locals don’t give a rip about the flag, but they do have some problems with JR “bringing his California ways to Meade". The biggest rap against JR is his willingness to “stick his nose” into local politics. He got off on the wrong foot when he went to war with Meade over a lien on their new property that dates back to prior owners. Then, JR went toe to toe with the town over some tax assessments. All things considered, that damn flag is the least of JR’s problems. Will JR and Robin find a happy ending waiting for them at the end of their rainbow? Don’t bet the bed and breakfast on it, Sparky.

From Sea to Shining Sea
Source: PIG News Wire [08/14/06]

Clearwater (Florida)
Clearwater Mayor, Frank Hibbard, didn't get it, the first time he spotted the Hooters billboard ad on Gulf-to-Bay Boulevard. At first, the sign's prose perplexed him: "Liquor in Clearwater, Poker in Vegas". But, when this Nanny State Nitwit listened to the words in his head, without looking at them, he got the sexual innuendo with a vengeance. We're bummed to report that Frank's complaint to Hooters co-founder, Ed Droste, resulted in the following change: "Liquor in Clearwater, Casino in Vegas". Bummer and you can quote us, but there's still that billboard in Tampa that still features the original, award winning prose.

Suggestion: If you still don't "get it" about the original prose, track down a hormone gorilla - teenage lad - and have him explain it to you, because we can't be bothered.

Baltimore (Maryland)
Epics about someone protesting a certain candidate rarely rate more than a word or two, but this one has its moments. The aspiring hack in the protester bull's-eye is a Mecca Mania candidate for Maryland's House of Delegates named Saqib Ali. His adventure in the protest zone started when a dude named Timothy Truett set up a folding chair in the cul-de-sac in front of Ali's abode. In addition to a sign that read "Islam sucks", Timothy wore a shirt that read "This mind is an Allah-free zone." When asked about his one man protest, Timothy said "I had heard that Muslims were generally tolerant of views other than their own, and so I thought I would put it to the test."

Since this happened the differently-conservative Montgomery County, it's no shock that the local authorities warned Timothy that if he strayed onto Ali's property within the next year, he would be nailed for trespassing. And what, you ask, does Ali think about Timothy's antics? Not much, apparently. Although he took pictures of Timothy, he never tried to engage his protester in a conversation. "We don't waste our time on people who hate us."

Ecorse (Michigan)
We‛re thrilled to report that the city council meetings for Ecorse (Michgan) have all the action of a WWE Pay-Per-View extravaganza. At a recent meeting, city councilwoman Theresa Peguese put her best WWE diva moves on Ecorse Mayor Larry Salisbury after the mayor "allegedly" laid some racial slurs on our properly-hyphenated heroine. Before you could shout "grudge match", Theresa started chocking and hitting the mayor, earning justice system attention for "assault and battery" plus "obstructing a government function".

This epic‛s spiffy quote comes courtesy of the mayors shyster, Bill Covolos: "This lady is in need of some serious anger management classes." Theresa might have ample time to get that badly needed training because a conviction could land her in the slammer for 93 days.

Hazelton (Pennsylvania)
Hazelton mayor - and past recipient of Hero of the Week - Lou Barletta, isn't the least bit intimidated by the fact that the ACLU and Border Jumping Scumbag coddlers are suing the city over its crackdown on border jumpers in their midst. FYI: the city registered on PIG's Hero radar when it passed laws that fine landlords who rent to border jumpers $1,000. The city's get tough law also denies a business license to any firm that hires border jumping scumbags. The same law makes English the city's official language.

When asked about the lawsuits, Mayor Lou drew this verbal line in the sand: "They are attempting to scare the city into backing off. It's not going to work. We're not going to be bullied. We're confident the ordinance will stand up to judicial scrutiny and we'll fight it as far as we have to. I believe this will be a landmark case. A line has been drawn here in Hazleton. This will impact cities all across the country." PIG is pleased to see that at least one American politician has the nads to take a stand for Americans against these border jumping scumbag invaders.

Utterly American Epics
Source: PIG News Wire [08/11/06]

The 11th Commandment?
Maybe it's because I'm a lowly pagan, but I never heard of a new commandment that is making landfall in Metheun (Massachusetts). A Metheun city councilor, Robert Andrew, seems to be the only one who knows about a top secret edict from Old Ka-Boom that admonishes: "Thou shalt not operate thy leaf blower, lawnmower or trimmer before 10am on the Sabbath that it may be well with thee." That's right, PIGsters, Robert Andrew wants to ban yard work on Sunday morning.

We are bummed to report that the city council passed this resolution by a 4-3 vote. If the full council gives it a thumbs up at a forthcoming meeting, the statue will take effect. The only bright spot in this assault on inalienable individual liberty is Councilor Deborah Quinn who quite rightly said that Robert Andrew's proposed edict is 'an example of government overstepping its authority' (CBS). It's nice to know that at least one member of the Metheun city council remembers the principles upon which this nation was founded. How did the state that sparked the America's adventure in inalienable liberty devolve into this liberty suffocating blight? Enquiring minds want to know.

Another ACLU Panty-Twister
The Louisiana ACLU has its panties in a wad over a proposed Hurricane Katrina memorial in St. Bernard's Parish. Despite the fact that the people working on the memorial are all unpaid volunteers...despite the fact that no public money is used to pay for the memorial...despite the fact that the memorial will be erected on private land, the ACLU is in an uproar over it. Why? Because the memorial with be a 13 foot high, 7 foot wide cross that will bear the Cross Dude's face. We're shocked, shocked I tell you.

Faster than a speeding "cease and desist edict" from an activist court, the ACLU hammered the relevant St. Bernard Parish with dire warnings about violating the First Amendment's separation of church and state. Proving that he has the right stuff for the job, Parish President Henry "Junior" Rodriguez responded with what has to be the quote of the year: "They can kiss my ass." A man of unrivaled eloquence, Henry is our kind of guy.

[PIG News thanks PIGster Chester Mealer for this news tip.]

They Came Prepared
A Sonoma County (Mexifornia) woman owes her life to the heroic efforts of Ron Blazer. The drama unfolded when the former fighterfighter, Blazer, found Julianne Mattaliano pinned in her car after it crashed into a tree. Alerted by the woman's screams, and noting the fire that was thisclose to engulfing the car, Ron used all his strength to extricate Julianne from the car mere moments before the engine fire spread to the rest of the car. Thanks to Ron's heroic efforts, Julianne survived the accident with a punctured lung and several broken bones.

Adding a tad of irony to this drama is the fact that Ron Blazer is a Boy Scout leader who was returning home after a scout meeting with four members of his troop. While Ron was performing his heroics, the scouts were on the phone to 911, summoning help. This is the side of the Boy Scout story that the lefty scumbags never find time to discuss. Ron Blazer and the scouts with him had the right stuff when faced with an emergency. I defy any of the Boy Scouts' caterwauling critics demonstrate this coolness in a crisis. Ron Blazer is a hero who shows everyone why the Boy Scouts don't deserve their bad rap.

A Texas Twofer
Source: NBC (Dallas Boob Tube) [08/04/06]

The tyrant next door
Painfully aware of the ongoing drought conditions that are making life a misery in Mexas, Denton denizen, Carol Kinney, is doing her part to conserve water. Willing to let her lawn wilt, as needed, in that North Texas heat, Carol waters her lawn no more than twice a week. Leaving nothing to chance, she waters late in the evening, to minimize her water usage. Thanks to her actions, she can, partially, control her skyrocketing water bills while doing her small part to conserve water. As rational as that sounds to us, it's not a thrill a minute for the tyrants on the local homeowner's association.

The homeowners association assigns two local busybodies to walk around the Summit Oaks subdivision where Carol lives and turn in the names of anyone whose lawn isn't up to the homeowners association standards. One such busybody ratted out Carol, an action that prompted the homeowners pinheads to send her a snotty letter ordering her to water her lawn more frequently or pay a $100 fine.

"I was very upset. It just made me angry because of the heat, the conditions, the water levels. We aren't getting any rain and the homeowner's association, all they cared about was a green lawn and how nice the neighborhood looks. The man across the street has a lot greener lawn than we do. He got a letter too."

PIG salutes Carol for trying to do the right thing to conserve water during a drought. We wish her good luck in her fight with the local homeowners association because she's going to need it. If she was a PIG regular, she would be painfully aware of this this PIGish wisdom from PIG's Advice page:

"No tyranny is more oppressive than the despotism perpetrated by those self-appointed behavior arbiters who gravitate to that egregiously anti-liberty cabal, the homeowners association."

Hormone gorilla hell
The spoilsports running the Arlington Independent School District just took all the joy from the lives of the hormone gorillas doomed to attend their cess-schools. In a move that is guaranteed to engender a rash of teenage boy suicides, these humor-challenged Educrats perpetrated a - it hurts us to even think about it - cleavage ban throughout the school district. For those who insist on all the chilling facts, here's a taste of this intolerable decree:

"The display of cleavage is unacceptable. Low cut blouses, tops, sweaters, etc. with plunging necklines are not allowed. It's gotten bad enough that, unfortunately, our young males are looking at more than their English book, their speech book, their science book. And it's kind of nice to have something left to the imagination.” (Chief spoilsport, school board president Sherri Wade)

We're all choked up here in the PIG bunker over the cruel fate that has befallen these Mexas lads. We feel your pain dudes.

Florida Follies Daily Double
Source: PIG News Wire [08/02/06]

Bayonet Point
Stories about a dude shooting himself while playing with a gun are a dime a dozen, but this one has its spiffy side. The drama unfolded while a 73-year-old chad puncher was playing with a .25 caliber handgun. For reasons that could only make sense to a Florida voter, our hero stared down the barrel of the gun at the exact moment it went off. His just reward? A gunshot wound in the forehead.

After this stellar example of our hero's critical thinking prowess, we want to be the first ones to state that he has the right stuff to serve on Palm Beach or Miami-Dade County's election commission. If he can't put the thrill back into Florida elections, nobody can.

Venice
This Florida folly started when a Venice detective got a tip that an Internet site might be advertising local horizontal bingo purveyors. The detective concluded, quite reasonably, that he needed to check the tip out. Normally - in a rational world - this would be as simple as jumping on the information superhighway and surfing to the site in question to verify the tip. Since this is Florida, nothing that rational is encouraged. When Detective Eric Hill tried to check out the tip he did a header into the city's Draconian computer restrictions. Since the site he needed was Craigslist, the Computer Nazis black flagged it and wouldn't grant him access.

'...While most law enforcement agencies allow at least certain investigators free rein on the Internet, Venice has a blanket policy that blocks all employees from accessing Web sites with potentially offensive words or phrases. "We took a fairly aggressive stance," City Manager Marty Black said Tuesday about the Internet policy implemented in 2004 to more closely monitor and restrict employees' Web activity. Police can get temporary access to specific sites by calling the city's information technology office and requesting that a specific Web address be unblocked for a period of time. But it's a step most other area investigators don't have to take...' (Sarasota Herald Tribune)

If you're a hooker plying the world's oldest profession in Venice (Florida) and you're advertising your "services" on Craigslist, you're in high cotton because the city's Computer Nazis are covering your back.

Nephi (Utah)
Fed up with the antics of a neighbor's 13 year old son, a Nephi (Utah) resident, nailed a sign to his tree reading, "Caution - Retards in Area". The retard in question is Colton Heaton, a lad whose mental development is that of a 3-year-old. When a local news nitwit dude named Sam Penrod showed up with a video camera, the sign wrangling neighbor dished up these facts:

'...Sam Penrod, Eyewitness News: "Why did you put that sign up?
Neighbor: "I've been harassed for six months, my daughter has been assaulted."
Sam Penrod, Eyewitness News "By who?"
Neighbor: "The young boy, we got pictures and everything and they would not press charges because he is handicapped." The neighbor claims Colton threw a rock at his young daughter. Other neighbors told us they have frequently found Colton wandering onto their property...' (KSL, a Utah boob tube outlet)

Unconcerned about the harm that Colton Heaton might inflict on others in his neighborhood, a Utah whiner cabal - the Disability Law Center - is caterwauling about calling Colton a "retard". They're shocked, shocked I tell you: "People with disabilities are probably the last group for whom we continue to use language that is hurtful and offensive. Instead of being someone who is mentally retarded, you are a person with a developmental disability and that means really what we are valuing is the person."

Colton might be the peach his parents claim he is, but the facts speak for themselves. If - despite his chronological age - he's a 3 year old with a 13 year old's body, he needs the same constant supervision that you'd give any 3 year old.

New Port Richey (Florida)
A habitual drunk named Johnny Eugene Smith knows exactly who to blame for the fact that he got gunned to the gills on adult beverage then totaled his Corvette. Did he blame himself for drinking and driving? Not a chance. He got lawyered up and sued the place that sold him some drinks, a watering hole called Calendar Girls.

According to this drunk's shyster, the bar is "negligent and careless" for selling drinks to a man that everyone should know is a chronic drunk. They got Johnny drunk then poured him into his ride. Shame, shame, shame. It would be nice if once, just once, someone told clowns like Johnny that, drunk or sober he and only he is responsible for his actions. He made the decision to get drunk, making him fully accountable for everything that followed, including wrecking his ride.

Harlem (New York)
From our no good deed goes unpunished file we bring you a three-hanky story about Bubba Clinton and his sojourn in Harlem. The fun started when Bubba decided to show solidarity with his ardent melanin-enriched supporters by setting up his office in Harlem. At the time, the Elephant Clan boom box babblers had a great deal of fun at Bubba's expense. We're forced to ask if they're still laughing now that Bubba's presence in Harlem has caused property values in the area to rise dramatically. Bubba's presence in Harlem 'has led to the gentrification of the area and increased the price of homes' (AP).

The Washington Post reports that, in 2001, the price for a brownstone terrace abode in Harlem was about $400,000. Now, due in large part to Bubba, a refurbished townhouse could carry a $4 million dollar price tag. With property values rising, crime in the area is falling. All that should be good news to Harlem dwellers, but, since this is well charted whiner territory, you gotta know that somebody is caterwauling about it. This week, at least 40 long term, vintage Harlem dwellers organized a protest march to complain about the property prices that Bubba helped to elevate.

Did Bubba transform Harlem singlehandedly? Probably not, given America's real estate boom. But, we must give him his due and grant him some of the credit. It's gonna hurt, but you gotta give the Devil his due, even when his name is William Jefferson Clinton.

Cedar Rapids (Iowa)
The Hawkeye State's law dictating where sex offenders can live is yielding some strange results. For those who aren't up to speed on the law in question here are the relevant facts:

'...State law bars sex offenders with crimes against children from living within 2,000 feet of a school or certified day-care center. Certain cities have even gone farther, banning offenders from living within 2,000 feet of swimming pools, libraries, parks or trails...' (Fox News)

With all those restrictions where is a sex offender going to hang his hat at night? In the state's parks and campgrounds where nobody would ever dream of taking their tykes. File this tidbit under "unintended, but predictable, consequences".

News From Sea to Shining Sea
Source: PIG News Wire [07/21/06]

Maryland
Last year, due to a tidal wave of red ink, Maryland's legislature passed a bill that, blatantly, painted a bull's-eye on the dastardly capitalists running Wal-Mart. According to the elected tormentors promoting this bill, the state's debt - much of it related to out of control Medicaid expenditures - is due, in large part to Wal-Mart's crappy healthcare coverage for its workers. Under the bill, any company with 10,000 or more workers must pony up 8% of payroll for health care. Otherwise, they would be forced to pay the difference in taxes. Big, big fun. When Governor Robert Ehrlich vetoed the bill, the Donkey Clan dominated legislature easily overrode the Elephant Clan governor's veto. In February, the Retail Industry Leaders Association filed a lawsuit to nuke this Nanny State gem.

'...U.S. District Judge J. Frederick Motz decided that the Maryland Fair Share Health Care Fund Act would have hurt Wal-Mart by requiring it to track and allocate benefits for its Maryland employees in a different way from how it keeps track of employee benefits in other states. Motz wrote that the law "imposes legally cognizable injury upon Wal-Mart." Motz cited the federal Employee Retirement Income Security Act, which he said preempts "any and all state laws insofar as they may now or hereafter relate to any employee benefit plan."...' (AP)

Does this ruling bring the gavel down on this attempt to plunder deep, Wal-Mart pockets? We doubt it. These greedy state hacks will probably take this matter further up the federal court food chain. It would be nice if once, just once, some elected tormentors took a chill pill and faced the fact that red ink wounds like the Medicaid stinker are self-inflicted. This is a welfare state problem. No matter what you think of Wal-Mart, it's terminally uncool to make them pay for the Nanny State's "rob Peter to pay Paul" mistakes.

Indiana
Faces are a tad red in La Porte (Indiana) after an anonymous caller informed the cops that a 3-foot tall marijuana plant was growing in a certain brick planter located on a downtown sidewalk. Nobody knows how long it grew there or who perpetrated such a dastardly deed. But, we can share this troubling reality check: If you live in La Porte and planned to ingest the product of a certain pot plant, be advised that the cops removed then destroyed it. Life is unrelentingly crappy that way.

New Hampshire
The Granite State is in turmoil over Donkey Clan plans to "add more diversity to early" voting during Oval Office election years. A plan to put "another state's caucus or primary" between the Iowa caucus and New Hampshire's traditional place as the first presidential primary has Granite State hacks going postal. The state's Donkey Clan chief executive, John Lynch, vows that he'll "act decisively to uphold our law and defend our primary tradition". Other New Hampshire officials are locked and loaded for action:

'...New Hampshire Secretary of State William Gardner will have to determine whether the Democrats' actions comply with state law requiring that the primary be scheduled a week or more before any "similar election."...' (AP)

The plan under consideration would jam an Arizona or Nevada primary between the Iowa caucus and New Hampshire's primary. New Hampshire counts Bubba and "a half-dozen White House hopefuls" from the Donkey Clan ranks in its corner. But, the final decision rests with the DNC and they're not exactly amused by The Granite State's insistence on maintaining election cycle tradition.

Pennsylvania
Unless you live in Philly, you probably never heard of Harry Olivieri, but it's a slam dunk that you know about his stellar culinary contribution. Harry died this week at the ripe old age of 90, but his creation is still going strong. This saga begins in 1933 when Harry and his brother Pat operated a hot dog stand in south Philly. Understandably tired of hot dogs, the pair decided to have something different for lunch. Harry got some beef from a nearby store, sliced it up then grilled it with some onions. Harry and Pat were just piling it on some buns when a cabbie showed up and asked them to make him one, too. That, sandwich lovers, is how Harry Olivieri invented the Philly Cheesesteak sandwich. The cheese? That came a bit later. Cheese Whiz got added in 1960, following later by American cheese, provolone and pizza sauce.

If you crave a taste of the original, drop in at Pat's King of Steaks for a nosh. With Pat and Harry gone, Harry's son, Frank is keeping the family business alive.

Washington
A man convicted of molesting a 6-year-old girl 4 years ago grabbed the brass ring this week when his shyster turned a doughnut into a retrial. The technicality that might turn this child molesting clown loose to do it all over again started when the Judge hearing the case, Judge Richard Strophy, accepted a doughnut from one of the jurors hearing the case. Based on that incident and another during which the judge chatted about a potluck dinner with another juror, an appeals court granted this pervert a retrial.

In a perfect world, the shyster would be held personally responsible for any future crimes this molester perpetrates after he's freed in a second trial.

Names in The News
Source: PIG News Wire [07/14/06]

Dan Rather
Dan Rather refuses to go quietly into the night. In fact, he's keeping busy promoting himself by appearing on various cable news shows. After Dan's appearance on CNN's Anderson Cooper 360, Dan's posse made his wishes known about future use of his 360 appearance:

'...In an in-house memo sent from a 360 staffer Thursday to CNN producers, they were told to "please feel free" to use taped snippets from Cooper's interview with Rather the previous night, but with one glaring caveat: "Mr. Rather requests that his font not associate him with CBS News. So no 'Former CBS Anchor.' We thank you and Dan thanks you."...' (Philadelphia Inquirer)

Determined to take on all those 'hard-hitting' questions, Dan went from Anderson Cooper's cable blight, to the epitome of soft-ball interviewers, Larry King. That's right Dan, you keep hiding from a real interrogation like the gutless punk you really are.

Kinky Friedman
PIG's favorite politician, Kinky Freidman, caught a break this week, when the Mexas Secretary of State agreed to let him use "Kinky" on the Mexas ballot. It wasn't a complete victory, since he's going to appear on the ballot as "Richard 'Kinky' Friedman", but we doubt that he's that troubled over it. The important point is that this pagan scribbler's personal choice for next governor of Mexas is, officially, going to be on the ballot. If you live in Mexas, vote early, vote often, vote Kinky.

Sports Heros, On and Off The Field
Source: News Max [07/09/06]

It's called "Strikeouts for Troops" and it's the brainchild of Oakland A's pitcher Barry Zito. Pitchers who join this project pledge to make monetary donations to "Strikeouts for Troops" based on their team's strikeout totals at the end of the season. This week, five members of the Houston Astros team joined this campaign: Brad Lidge, Trever Miller, Chad Qualls, Russ Springer, and Dan Wheeler. They join 16 MLB pitchers and 4 minor league pitchers in this fund raising effort. Here are some nifty details on this fund raising effort from a News Max posting:

'...Established in April 2005, Strikeouts For Troops has raised $190,836.50 to date through contributions based on various statistical categories from more than 30 professional baseball players on different Major League teams, special events and fan donations on www.strikeoutsfortroops.org, with the funds assisting America's war-wounded. Funds raised by the Strikeouts for Troops project help in many ways to bring comforts of home to hundreds of war-wounded soldiers during their rehabilitation process.

In addition, the organization has funded holiday dinners at military hospitals, bought Christmas gifts for families of patients unable to afford them, and helped build a hospital children's center where kids can stay while their parents tend to medical needs. The funds also help alleviate the cost of travel and housing expenses for service members' families...'

PIG salutes these baseball players for their efforts on behalf of our fighting men and women.

American News Nuggets
Source: PIG News Wire [07/08/06]

Chauncey (Ohio)
A wide spot along an Ohio road called Chauncey created a citizens group called the Chauncey Emergency Management Group. The task of this group is to raising the $500 a month needed to keep the street lights energized. And how, you ask, does this group raise money? You're going to love it. One member of the Chauncey Emergency Management Group deposits an old fashioned out house on a citizens lawn. Instead of the usual toilet bowl, it contains a donation box and a sign: Redneck Wishing Well. The lucky citizen who gets this gem on their front lawn must make a donation - and amount will be gratefully accepted - but there's a perk that goes along with this outhouse on the lawn scheme. After making the donation, the citizen gets to decide which Chauncey denizen gets the outhouse next. Is this scheme working? You bet! In the first two days, the outhouse scheme raised $200.

Harrisburg (Pennsylvania)
Pennsylvania's Governor, Edward G. Rendell has been out and about promoting a new law in the Keystone State that amends the state's penal code to make it a crime to stage a demonstration within 500 feet of the site of a commemorative service. The demonstration ban starts an hour before the service starts and ends an hour after the service concludes. Under the new law, "demonstration activities" are defined as follows:

Picketing or similar conduct;

Oration, speech, or use of sound amplification equipment that is not part of a commemorative service;

Display of any placard, sign, banner, flag or similar item unless part of the commemorative service; or

Distribution of leaflets or printed materials that are not distributed as part of the commemorative service.

The bill also gives any individual who is "aggrieved by such an offense" to take the demonstrators to court with a civil lawsuit. We're amazed to report that this bill passed without a single "no" vote: 202 - 0 in the Pennsylvania House and 50-0 in the Pennsylvania Senate. PIG thanks PIGster Jeremy for bringing this to our attention.

Jefferson County (Colorado)
The day seemed too perfect to waste, so a certain Colorado denizen decided to make the most of it by doing some rock climbing. After parking his ride by the side of the road, he ventured off in search of rocks to conquer. While he was gone, the rocks, egged on by that perverse wench Mother Nature, decided to have some fun at the rock climber's expense.

When our adventurer returned, his car was gone and in its place was a rock the size of a small house. Upon closer inspection our rock climbing hero discovered the bitter truth: the rock substantiated the law of gravity, plus several other scientific laws by coming down squarely on his ride. The relevant Colorado Department of Highway Transportation workers had to use dynamite and drills to remove the rock from the flat as the proverbial pancake Toyota.

American News In Brief
Source: PIG News Wire [07/07/06]

South Carolina
Magnolia State hormone gorillas caught a break in the state's new Sex Crimes Bill. In addition to allowing the death penalty for repeated child sex scumbags, the bill also lowers the age of consent for certain offenses. Under the new law, a hormone gorilla - 18 years old and younger - can catch a break if their partner in passion is at least 14 years old. Does this save hormone gorillas from the sure and swift revenge of outraged parents who don't want some punk pawing their baby girl? Not a chance, horndog Sparky.

Utah
As commander of the Utah Highway Patrol's drunk driving unit, Lt. Fred Swain knew, too damn well, the dangers of drunk driving. Despite all that happy crap about "don't drink and drive", Lt. Swain got nailed for doing just that when he rammed his cruiser into a concrete barrier after careening off the shoulder of a highway. The reason for his crappy driving? Lt. "Don't Drink and Drive" Swain was drunk as a skunk with a blood-alcohol level of 0.12. The legal limit is 0.08.

Pennsylvania
Ron Houben Memorial Park in Eldred (PA) has been the site of baseball games for 50 years, but that didn't seem to bother Corey S. Chase when he bought a house next to the park's baseball diamond. It's bothering him now, after his humble abode has been pelted with baseballs. They landed in the pool, nailed his lawnmower and broke the windshield of his car. The borough took pity on the Cases and put up a 13-foot fence, but it didn't help. What to do? Corey got lawyered up and sued the borough, and he won.

Despite the fact that the field was there when he bought the house...despite the fact that he cut down a row of tall evergreens that mitigated the damage from errant baseballs...Corey Chase sued the borough over the 50 year old park and its ball diamond. Now, thanks to him, the games can't be played and the kids need to find somewhere else to do what kids love to do in the summer. How thrilled must the whole damn town be with this whining piece of crap? Very, and you can take that to the bank.

Washington D.C.
The elected tormentors running Washington D.C. have a spiffy new notion. Completely deranged over D.C.'s "AIDs Crisis" the usual Nanny State suspects want to test all D.C. residents between ages 14 and 84 for the HIV virus. Their grand scheme is to make the AIDs screening as ubiquitous as measuring one's blood pressure or checking cholesterol levels. If everything goes swimmingly, this routine AIDs check will magically motivate HIV positive individuals into dropping "dangerous" sexual practices like a bad habit and getting some professional medical attention. Saving people from themselves? You better believe it Nanny State Sparky.

Salt Lake City (Utah)
John Jacobs' campaign to unseat a five term congressman, Chris Cannon, hit more than its share of speed bumps. Understandably annoyed by these diversions, candidate John detects a dastardly plot to derail his bid for elected office. We know what you're thinking but he's not blaming RoveCo, the VRWC, or the open borders lobby who support Chris "Border Jumpers are Cool" Cannon's candidacy. Nope, John went for the brass ring and publically blamed his problems on - drum roll and trumpet fanfare - Satan. For reasons only John can understand, the devil wants Chris Cannon back on Capitol Hill.

Update: It's hardly a shock that incumbent Cannon won this election. What's interesting is this: despite his wingnut delusions, John Jacobs garnered 45% of the votes.

South Huntingdon Township (Pennsylvania)
The incident started when 21 year old Matthew Shaner plowed his car into 15 year old bike rider - Sean Cossell . What sets this incident apart is Matt's reaction to this incident. After watching Sean fly off his bike and land on the hood of Matt's ride, Matt jumped out of his car and started yelling at Sean to get off the hood of his car. When an injured Sean rolled off the car, Matt took off like a scalded mutt, but his escape wasn't a clean one. Eyewitnesses got his license plate number and gave it, plus a description of his ride, to the cops. Graybar guest status ensued in sort order. When last seen, Matt was in the local lockup facing charges of hit-and-run, fleeing the scene of an accident and driving on a suspended license.

Rochester (New Hampshire)
Terrence Miltner is so fed up with his slacker son, Eric, that he went to court and filed for a temporary restraining order to kick the lazy sod out of the family home. The following prose from Terrence's request gives you all the crappy details you'll want or need:

“My son is refusing to work, to conform to the rules of the house, sleeps until 1 in the afternoon after staying out all night. This has been going on for three years with no relief.” (Manchester Union-Leader)

The final indignity that drove Terrence over the edge involved Eric using dad's credit card without parental permission. We're annoyed to report that Terrence asked the court to delay the restraining order for one more month because his slacker son started a new job. Go for the gold Terrence and throw the lazy rat bastard out. We guarantee that a reality check of that magnitude will have a miraculous curative effect on the punk.

Provincetown (Massachusetts)
Dougie Freedman's scheme to make the West End Salon & Spa in Provincetown (Mass.) a relentlessly fun place was, to say the least, inspirational. In a bid to entertain his salon customers, Dougie installed a stripper's pole and offered customers a $1 discount for every minute they shimmied - fully clothed - with the pole. The maximum discount was $5 so any gyrations longer than 5 minutes were gratuitous. We're sad to report that Dougie's award winning idea was shot down by Provincetown bureaucrats. Undaunted, our hero vows to get an entertainment license for his salon & spa, so he can take the police tape off his stripper's pole.

American News Nuggets
Source: PIG News Wire [06/22/06]

Harrisburg, (Pennsylvania)
Pennsylvania's House Speaker, John M. Perzel set a new world's record when he managed to shove his foot, and leg up to his hip bone into his own mouth. The fun started last year, when, in a secret midnight session, the state legislature rammed through a pay raise that enriched state's elected tormentors and some judges with 16% to 54% pay raises. After the bovine excrement hit the fan, the hacks backed off, but the political aftershocks are still shaking things up.

Last November, a sitting State Supreme Court Justice was defeated - a first for the state. During the May primary, the carnage continued when voters ousted 17 legicrats. This week, the House Speaker staged his award winning foot in mouth antics with a strong, public defense of the dead of night pay raises. A mere four days later, House Speaker Perzel is singing a much different tune:

"I stand here today to acknowledge that I've been defending something that the people of Pennsylvania have deemed as indefensible...I've only stirred the issue up even further. I cannot allow that to continue. I accept the will of the people and welcome the current spotlight on the work of the General Assembly...I understand that some of the statements defending the pay raise have been used against my members. With that, I do not agree. It is not proper, given the variety of viewpoints of our members, that they are publicly penalized for my opinions."

Nice try Nanny State punk, but that train already left the station and you weren't on it. Obviously, John Perzel never learned the venerable adage "Silence is golden".

Tampa (Florida)
Nine months ago, determined to upgrade security at the port of Tampa (Florida), the suits running the Tampa Port Authority spent $1.57 million dollars to install 200 security cameras to watch the port 24/7. For that one, not so low price, you also get a spiffy control room where you can watch all the port activity on 17 screens. There's just one teensy thing that spoils this high tech security solution. At least half the time nobody is in the control room to watch those high tech images. "We don't need to watch the images. That's just a back up. We have three cops and three security guards roaming around the sprawling port at all times." Yeah right, sporty, that's gotta make everyone feel much safer.

The unasked question seems to shout: If you don't plan to use the cameras, why the hell did you waste all those taxpayer dollars on them? The answer to that is painfully simple. The feds gave them the taxpayer dollars to squander on port security. But, that taxpayer funded largesse didn't include funding for security staff to man all those spiffy monitors. Unlike these Tampa twerps, other American ports find manning those monitors a worthwhile expenditure. Tampa, on the other hand, will put bodies in the control room after somebody blows up their port, but even then it's only 50-50. This is what happens when you allow Florida voters to manage the Tampa Port Authority.

An American Hero
Source: PIG's Golden Oinks 2006 [06/22/06]

Hazelton (Pennsylvania) Mayor Lou Barletta is not a happy camper, but, unlike too many elected tormentors, he plans to do more than complain about his city's border jumping scumbag crime wave. Crime wave? There have been numerous incidents, but Mayor Barletta cites two that put the whole town on a war footing. One incident involves a 14 year old differently-legal denizen who got caught firing a gun on a playground, but it was a murder committed by two border jumpers from the Dominican Republic that prompted Mayor Barletta's actions. With law-abiding citizens afraid to go out on the city's streets, Mayor Barletta unleashed his plan of action:

'...Last week the mayor of this former coal town introduced, and the City Council tentatively approved, a measure that would revoke the business licenses of companies that employ illegal immigrants; impose $1,000 fines on landlords who rent to illegal immigrants; and make English the official language of the city...' (AP)

After adopting the measure in a 4-1 vote, the City Council must approve the mayor's measure twice more, before it takes effect, so there's still time for the border jumper coddlers to strong arm the council. A Colonista spokeswench for the La Raza cabal is already sounding dire warnings about filing a civil rights lawsuit if the measure passes. This whine gives you a sample of her alarmist prose:

"Landlords are going to shut their doors to anyone who may look or sound Latino," she said. "On the other hand, landlords may attempt to actually determine whether a person is undocumented or not, and make multiple mistakes because of the complexity of immigration law." (Flavia Jimenez)

After watching Mayor Barletta on a cable news show, PIG is pleased to report that he's an iron-spined dude who won't be intimidated by some shyster spew from this Colonista wench. We're pleased to report that Mayor Barletta is PIG's kind of dude.

"Illegal immigrants are destroying the city. I don't want them here, period...This is crazy. People are afraid to walk the streets. There's going to be law and order back in Hazleton, and I'm going to use every tool I possibly can." (Mayor Lou Barletta)

Fat Nazi Cabal Targets Starbucks
Source: Reuters [06/17/06]

Center for Science in the Public Interest is spreading more joy this week. After painting a Fat Nazi bull's-eye on KFC (Kentucy Fried Chicken) with a lawsuit about the fat content of that American fast food staple, the CSPI scumbags are moving on to a new target. This time out, CSPI is targeting a puny capitalist cabal named Starbucks. According to CSPI, those dastardly coffee wranglers are holding a gun to everyone's head and forcing them to swill down high calorie, high fat content drinks like the artery blocking gem called the "Venti banana mocha Frappuccino". This 20 ounce goodie packs more calories and the same amount of fat as the oft reviled Big Mac.

Assuming everything that CSPI says is true - and that dose of reality would be unprecedented at this Fat Nazi cabal - so damn what? Nobody asked CSPI to become America's Fat Nazi nanny. If Americans want to lard up at Starbucks, then that's their personal problem. The real motive behind all this crap is obvious. This is just another front in the on-going campaign to nail the relevant "fast food" capitalists - McDonalds, KFC, Starbucks, and countless others - with the kind of multi-billion dollar extortion that Smoke Nazis inflicted on the tobacco industry.

Feds Go Toe to Toe with Puyallup Tribe
Source: Seattle Post-Intelligencer [06/16/06]

A federal watchdog group - the National Indian Gaming Commission - is in a whiz-a-thon with some Northwestern Siberian Americans, the Puyallup tribe, over the distribution of the tribe's gambling profits. According to the feds, the tribe is violating its own "Revenue Allocation Plan". We know what you're thinking and we had the same thought, but we're both wrong. The feds aren't hammering the tribe for being too stingy. The feds are complaining because the tribe is being too generous.

Under the tribe's "Revenue Allocation Plan", whatever the hell that is, the tribe is supposed to distribute 35% of its net gambling profits to members of the tribe. Last year, due in large part to $2,000 per month profit sharing payments to each member of the tribe, the Puyallup gambling cabal was spreading around a generous to a fault 65% of its net gambling profits. This pagan is hard pressed to find fault with that.

After you dig through all the bureaucratic bovine excrement and fine print, you get to the essential question. Why is it any of Uncle Sam's goddamn business how the Puyallup tribe distributes its gambling profits? If some tribe member has a problem with the way the money is being distributed, he, she, heshe or it should lawyer up and take the tribe to court. Otherwise, Uncle Sam should shut the hell up and butt the hell out.

The Philly Cheesesteak Drama Continues
Source: PIG's Girlieman Awards Page [06/15/06]

“Let them do what they want to. When it comes, then we’ll deal with it. I would say they would have to handcuff me and take me out because I’m not taking it down.” (Joseph Vento's response to the city's "take down the sign or face fines" edict)

By now, everyone should be familiar with Joseph Vento, the owner of Geno's Steaks, Philly's most famous cheesesteak purveyor. For those who just woke up from a coma, we'll go over the essentials. At least 6 months ago, Joe posted a sign in his eatery that warned: "This is AMERICA: WHEN ORDERING PLEASE SPEAK ENGLISH". For reasons we won't try to understand, his sign went unnoted, until last week, when it became a favorite item on the 24-hour news cycle. Joseph Vento made the rounds of the cable news shows and various talk radio shows, a fact that helped him stray into the city's discrimination punk bull's-eye.

Egged on by Rachel Lawton - the chief goose-stepper for Philly's Commission on Human Relations - Philly's Discrimination Nazis decided that Joseph was giving the city a bad name, so they nailed him with an official discrimination complaint for violating the city's Fair Practices Ordinance. Some damn how, Geno's 'speak English damn it' policy discourages "patronage by non-English speaking customers because of their national origin or ancestry." Yeah, right, scumbags, but don't you need to prove that Geno's refuses to serve customers who don't order in English? Obviously, the Discrimination Nazis can't be bothered by such petty details.

We're annoyed, but not shocked that these pinheads are making a discrimination mountain out of a "speak English, damn it" molehill. These Discrimination Nazis are intruding where they aren't wanted or needed. Instead of stabbing Philly's English-speaking denizens in the back by going Korrectnik bonkers, they should have allowed the marketplace to pass judgement on Geno's order in English policy. We are, as you'd expect, profoundly unamused. Given 'em hell Joe.

Oklahoma Pins "Porn" Label on Video Games
Source: PIG News Wire [06/12/06]

The Sooner State's elected tormentors just enacted a law that adds certain video games to the list of items considered to be "porn". Under this law, and using the depressingly familiar "it's for the children" excuse favored by aspiring tyrants, the law closely mirrors a law enacted in Utah then shot down in federal court (March 2006). Undaunted by such petty First Amendment piffle, the state legicrats pressed on and rammed the bill through for a quick and easy signature by Governor Brad Henry.

The following prose gives you a warts and all view of this gem:

'...The new law will make it a felony for anyone in Oklahoma to sell, rent or display games which contain inappropriate violence, with stores required to keep such games hidden in a similar manner to pornographic magazines and videos. The bill ignores the ESRB age rating for games, and instead makes its own definition of inappropriate violence.

This definition considers inappropriate any game which “lacks serious literary, scientific, medical, artistic or political value” and which features glamorized or gratuitous violence; uses that violence to shock or stimulate; features violence that is not contextually relevant to the material; has violence so pervasive that it serves as the thread holding the plot of the material together; trivializes the serious nature of realistic violence; does not demonstrate the consequences or effects of realistic violence; uses brutal weapons designed to inflict the maximum amount of pain and damage; endorses or glorifies torture or excessive weaponry, or depicts lead characters who resort to violence freely... (Gamasutra Internet Site)

Based on the broad strokes with which this edict was painted, any and all video games are banned in Sooner country. But, fear not First Amendment purists, they're doing it for the children. And here you were, worrying, needlessly.

A Very Wrong Number
Source: St. Petersburg Times [06/08/06]

The seasoned citizens trying to contact a land of hanging chads (Florida) healthcare provider got a very special thrill this week. Thanks to a typo on the United Healthcare's Medicare Complete documentation, callers trying to reach the healthcare cabal were, erroneously, connecting with a phone sex firm named "Intimate Encounters". Instead of the usual health related prattle, the seasoned citizens were greeted by sultry voices offering to connect the caller with one of the phone sex firm's hot, horny girls. As therapeutic as this sex chat might be for the seasoned citizens, it wasn't what the callers wanted or needed. Life is so unfair that way.

As expected, the healthcare cabal is suitably apologetic, so it's happy ending time all around, aside from those vintage dudes who are bummed that they missed out on this sex chat fun.

Two For The Price of One
Source: AP [06/08/06]

Albany (Georgia) based WFXL-TV's thrill ride started when its transmission tower got hit by a U.S. Army helicopter, a mishap that killed four soldiers and injured a fifth. Unable to repair the badly damaged tower, the station hired a crackpot team of demolition experts to bring the leaning transmission tower down. The good news is that the demolition team fulfilled its assigned function. The bad news is that, as an extra added attraction, they managed to bring down the heretofore undamaged WALB-TV transmission tower at the same time. This two for the price of one deal is the kind of thing that happens when you let grown men play with explosives.

For those Georgia boob tube viewers in the impacted area, the name of the firm you want to "beat like a rented mule" bears the unintentionally ironic name of Controlled Demolitions Incorporated.

Raleigh's Road Warriors
Source: PIG News Correspondent Anthony Scott [06/06/06]

Raleigh (North Carolina) is staging a daring bid to steal the City of Angel's car chase crown and they're doing it with the usual Tar Heel State flair. For your thoughtful consideration we present the following items into evidence:

Chase 1:
The incident started when State Trooper R.E. Cannaday stopped a motorist for doing 75 mph in a 55 mph zone. When the trooper tried to approach the car, the driver took off like a scalded mutt, leading the proper authorities on a chase that hit speeds of 110 mph. Eventually, the driver crossed the median into on-coming traffic on Aviation Parkway and did a high speed header into a garbage truck. You don't need Nostradamus to guess that the Honda Accord came out second best in this head-on collision. Second best, but thanks to those pesky laws of physics, the 20 ton garbage truck went airborne briefly when the car hit it.

We're pleased to report that the Honda Accord's driver got an instant room temperature transition, but the garbage truck driver escaped with minor injuries.

Chase 2:
The thrill ride started when Alecyn Ross stole a car then got spotted by a member of the Raleigh P.D. When the cops took after Alecyn, she led them on a 15 mile high speed chase during which the cops clocked her top speed at a spiffy 105 mph. She was motoring along at that speedy clip when she crested a hill and hit a van. That collision sent her ride off the road into two trees, then another 44 feet into a utility pole. The force of impact on the utility pole embedded it three feet into Aleycn's ride.

We're pleased to report that Alecyn - she has a long criminal record dating back to 1995 - achieved room temperature. We're far from thrilled that the Raleigh P.D. is perpetrating a review to "see wether all policies were followed". PIG News is compelled to point out that the Raleigh P.D. officers discontinued the chase when so instructed. The North Carolina Highway Patrol was on Alecyn's tail when she played chicken with a utility pole and lost so spectacularly.

New Orleans
Armed with 150,000 measurements performed by a satellite, researchers at the University of Miami laid some thrilling news of the City in the Hole by the Sea's remaining denizens. Heretofore, the usual lab-coated suspects opined that on average, New Orleans is sinking at a steady rate of one fifth of an inch each year but the latest measurements paint a much different picture. In a report published in 'Nature', the researchers report that 10% to 20% of the city is sinking at a rate of one inch each year. The researchers try to paint their findings in glass half full terms by noting that, if the proper precautions are taken, "we can probably get another 100-200-300 years out of this area". 300 years? That will give Ray Nagin ample time to see that all his loyal supporters are given tax-funded swimming lessons.

Washington D.C.
Capitol Hill is ground zero for a long overdue reality check on the border jumping scumbag invasion thank's to some inspired Americans who organized the Send-A-Brick project. The project does exactly what you think, it "helps" our elected tormentors pull their head out of their butts by giving them the terminally unsubtle hint that the first step in securing our borders is to build a meaningful barrier to slow down the invaders swarming over our undefended borders.

Since April more than 10,000 bricks 'hit' capitol hill.

Prosser (Washington)
The seasoned citizens living in a Great Northwest Nitwit Eden named "Wine Country Villa" are under siege from some of Mother Nature's not so little helpers: marmots. The 75-unit is inundated by the plus-size rodents (up to 30 pounds each) who make life thrilling by burrowing under homes and leaving "calling cards" on porches. Making them a more than pesky, marmot are not blessed with a sunny personality. Granted, they're not in the same class as the infamous Tasmanian Devil, but there are ample reports of feisty marmots taking a hefty bite out of any human who gets in their way.

As fun as all this is, it gets much better because getting rid of them is, uh, problematic. We're depressed to report that our solution of first resort "shoot them" is banned in Prosser, thanks to some ordinances that take that option off the table. Making matters worse, marmots are, officially, not considered a health risk and aren't, inherently labeled as a varmint.

'...Officials in the state Department of Fish and Wildlife say residents likely will have to pay if they want to eradicate the infestation, and then only after clearing some bureaucratic hurdles. First, they must file a complaint with the agency's Yakima office, which then may refer them to a certified exterminator. "These are not free services," agency spokeswoman Madonna Luers said. "We do not have the staff to go out there and deal with these situations."...' (AP)

The relevant experts warn that "it's not an animal you want to tangle with" and suggest that residents try not to make their neighborhood too marmot friendly. Well, duh, thanks for nothing Sparky.

Dorchester (Massachusetts)
Kathy's Nail Salon in Dorchester (Massachusetts) seems like an unlikely spot for a melee, but that's exactly what ensued when a customer went publically postal over two other salon customers' relentless jabbering. Nakeisha Prichard began the fisticuffs when Sonia Pina's relentless Spanish chatter set her off. The salon's owner, David Win, describes it this way:

“Ten years in this country, I never seen anything like this. The lady says ‘Speak English, I don’t want to hear Spanish!’ and big fight happens. There was blood in here and everything. There were a lot of customers in here. It (was) crazy.” (Boston Herald)

After Pina sucker punched her, Nakeisha Emerilized the fracas by taking off her shoe and pummeling Pina with it. By the time the cops arrived, at least 4 women were in a screaming, swearing, multi-lingual cat fight. The officer who tried to restore order got scratches on his neck and arm before the fight ended. Both Pina and Prichard are up on charges including, but not limited to assault, battery, resisting arrest.

Atlanta (Georgia)
Some young Atlanta desperados got more than they wanted or needed when they tried to mug Thomas Autry. At first, Mr. Autry tried to beat a strategic withdrawal, when the five punks accosted him around midnight. Running down the street, Autry called for help while two of the robbers jumped from the car and chased after him. When one pointed a shotgun at him, Autry's Marine training served him well. He kicked the gun from the punks hands, then stabbed the two robbers with a pocket knife when they grabbed him. One died from the wounds and the other is in critical condition. The other three are cooling their heels in an Atlanta graybar. Proving he has the right stuff, Thomas Autry expressed regret that one robber, a 17 year old wench, died from her wounds.

Traffic Nazi Busted for Bogus Tickets
Source: AP [05/23/06]

If you check her paper trail for May 12, 2006, you might consider giving a Big Apple Parking Nazi named Nivea Cloud props for writing 27 parking tickets for 7 different locations in a span of 3 hours. There's just one pesky problem with this hardest working Parking Nazi in the city image. It's total crap. In fact, she got busted for writing bogus tickets 'just one to four minutes apart in the same place'. As fun as this sounds, it gets better:

'...She was seen sitting in her police car, parked in a handicapped spot, more than a mile away from where the vehicles cited on her tickets supposedly were illegally parked [according to Queens D.A. Richard Brown]...'

D.A. Brown has official misconduct and falsifying business records charges locked and loaded. If convicted, Nivea faces up to 4 years in a graybar.

Zap!
Source: The Tennessean [05/23/06]

If you live in the Volunteer State and have "issues" with that asshat who lives next door, you might want to read this story before you pick a fight with him, her, himher or it. Unless your elected tormentors - state not national - enact a bill served up by state Representative Charles Curtiss, it's street legal for civilians to own the policeman's favorite toy: the Taser. That's right, sports fans, for a low, low, $999 you can buy one of these high voltage reality checks and keep it handy for those over the fence disputes that make home ownership so relentlessly thrilling.

According to Taser International, they've sold at least 115,000 of their XC6c model - a 50,000 volt goodie that's very similar to the one used by the cops - to civilians from sea to shining sea. Okay, based on America's population, that makes it a longshot that your pest of a neighbor owns one, but, we are compelled to suggest that you to do an "Eastwood" and ask yourself the relevant question: Do you feel lucky?

Southern Fried Politics
Source: PIG News Wire [05/22/06]

Southern Fried politics is, I'll admit, a mystery that remains unsolved. Exhibit 'A' in this contention is the PIGishly fun fact that Ray Nagin was re-elected as Mayor of New Orleans this week. The voters must think they've seen Ray's worst, so the only way his performance can go is up.

Exhibit 'B' is Larry Darby a Donkey Clan candidate for Attorney General of Alabama. His official platform includes this solution to the immigration problem: ask the governor to declare martial law then authorize the proper authorities to "shoot on sight" any border jumpers who attempt to evade the badge packers.

Exhibit 'C' is Harry Lyon, a Donkey Clan candidate for Governor of Alabama. His official position on border jumpers is to give border jumpers 90 days to leave the state or be hanged in public. "It would only take five or 10 getting killed and broadcast on CNN for it to send a clear message to not set foot in Alabama." (Harry Lyon)

Class Warfare Breaks Out in Fort Lauderdale
Source: South Florida Sun-Sentinel [05/20/06]

"I'm supposed to subsidize some schlock sitting on the sofa and drinking a beer, who won't work more than 40 hours a week?' I deny that there is a problem. You can buy condos all day for $160,000... The concept of this ordinance is from each according to his ability, to each according to need, which is the Communist Manifesto. One person is working two or three jobs to get ahead and one person isn't. Should we tax the person that's working hard to get ahead, to pay for the one who isn't?'' (Fort Lauderdale Mayor Jim Naugle)

According to this Florida fishwrap, Fort Lauderdale (Florida) has a mayor who is - gasp - "conservative and brash". If you read between the lines the scribblers at the Sun-Sentinel are more than a tad pleased that Mayor Jim Naugle is in his last term. Why? Mayor Jim is standing in the way of a classically progressive, transfer of wealth scheme that would tax developers - big time - and use that money to subsidize housing for the differently-affluent:

'...The proposal asks developers to give up big money -- $1.5 million on a 100-condo complex, for example -- for the theoretical good of the community. The city's law, as drafted, would make residential developers pay for affordable housing, either by providing it within their housing complexes, or paying fees into a trust fund to subsidize housing for the middle class. Families making up to $69,720 -- which is 20 percent more than the area's median family income -- would be eligible for a government boost...' (Sun-Sentinel)

This whine from Sun-Sentinel scribbler Britany Wallman tells you all you need to know about her Marxist credentials:

"New York has rent control. The federal government has Section 8 housing aid. So, this isn't the first time government has gotten involved in the real estate market to help people afford a place to live."

This bovine excrement from a class warrior named Jim Carras, head of the "nonprofit Broward Housing Partnership" tells you all you need to know about the scumbags pushing this transfer of wealth scheme:

"A decent place to live is the right of every American. We have maybe stepped away from how we fund it, but even the most conservative Republicans in Congress and the state legislature see a role for government."

The entire PIG News staff is frantically scouring the U.S. Constitution and, believe it or not, "the right to a decent place to live" isn't in this founding American document. Mayor Naugle nailed it when he cited the Communist Manifesto. This notion reeks of "from each according to his ability to each according to his need". PIG salutes Mayor Jim for vilifying this class warfare bovine excrement so expertly.

PIG-Worthy American News
Source: PIG News Wire [05/14/06]

Durham (North Carolina)
Our Tar Heel State correspondent, Anthony Scott, files this report on the Duke rape case debacle:

"Latest rounds of DNA conclusively proves that not a single one of the players had anything to do with the supposed rape but the odds are that Nifong "I am too arrogant for my own good" will go ahead anyway. Oh, and the other day he stated that the defense attorneys were scared to face him in court. Umm, Mr. Nofing you are about to be dipped head first into one big pool full of sharks (high-priced defense attorneys) who will chew you raw and then spit you out. Oh well...And in a move sure to endear him to his Black leash pullers, Mr. Nifong has the cabby who is a witness for the defense on an old warrant...talk about some dirty pool."

Defying objective reality, this Nifong cretin continues to hitch his political fortunes to this fatally-flawed rape case. Why? We haven't got a clue.

Carraboro (North Carolina)
An American citizen, Carrboro Alderman John Herrera, seems to think he's still living in his native Costa Rica. His non-linear mental activity cropped up during recent meeting with some North Carolina state legislators. When the idea reached critical mass, John blurted out that he wanted to make it street legal in his town for Colonistas - he calls them "non citizens" - to vote in local elections. The three legicrats - Sen. Ellie Kinnaird, Reps. Joe Hackney Verla Insko - gave this notion rave reviews and started making noises about running a constitutional amendment up the legislative flagpole. It shouldn't shock any of you to learn that all three of these state legicrats are Donkey Clan.

Tar Heel State denizens need to confer early retirement on these clowns before they succeed in their plot to give North Carolina's legal residents a royal shafting by taking a dump on the most important perk of citizenship: voting. You deserve better than this North Carolina.

Huntington Beach (Mexifornia)
The U.S. Patent and Trademark Office ruined Santa Cruz (Mexifornia) hacks' entire day when it awarded Huntington Beach (Mexifornia) 'three registration numbers that permit it to use the designation "Surf City, USA" in ads, on beach bags and other beachwear' (AP). This settles - allegedly - an on-going dispute between the two cities over which one is the real "Surf City" made famous in the venerable 1960's Jan and Dean song.

Huntington Beach officials are quick to point out that only "Surf City, USA" is trademarked. It's still street legal to use 'Surf City', without the 'USA', a fact that's a great relief to Surf City, New Jersey and Surf City, North Carolina.

American News Briefs
Source: PIG News Wire [05/11]

Knoxville
In January, a true believer attending a Volunteer State, Steepled Tower - a Tennessee bible college - decided to do Old Ka-Boom's work and eradicate a den of porn-spewing iniquity from his town. Donning a ski mask and armed with a fake firearm, he entered a local adult bookstore, chased out the store's occupants, then set the place on fire. Afterwards, he decided to do the right thing, so he turned himself in to the proper authorities.

Our properly pious hero - Benjamin Warren - understands that his actions were sinful, so he's ready to face his secular punishment. "That's spiffy" replies the bookstore running capitalist, "now fork over $600,000 for my lost merchandise and another $300,000 to cover the damage inflicted by your piously pyro antics". PIG News smells a "don't do that again" wrist-slap in the offing. It must be a flaw in our character.

Phoenix (Arizona)
Warren Jeffs, infamous leader of a polygamous cult - the Fundamentalist Church of the Latter Day Saints - just hit the big time when he landed on the FBI's 10 Most Wanted List. Among other things, Warren is wanted for "sexual conduct with a minor", "unlawful flight", and forcing underage girls to marry horny old polygamous goats. If you help the feds bag Warren, they're willing to shell out $100,000 for your help.

Raleigh (North Carolina)
On Sunday morning, more than 150 people watched the demolition of an abandoned Sheraton Hotel in Raleigh (North Carolina). The demolition crew used 250 pounds of dynamite planted in all the right places to bring the building down in less than 15 seconds. One fishwrap reported that the crowd greeted the implosion with cheers and applause. Speaking of cheers and applause, we have an on the scene report from our Tar Heel State correspondent Anthony Scott who made it a family outing by taking his 2 year old son, "Boom", with him. Anthony reports that young Boom was "bored when we first arrived at the demolition, but as soon as the first charge went of, he awoke and began laughing happily. At the conclusion, he looked at me and said, as near as a 2 year old can, "Do it again!"

After this exciting start to the day, the last thing Boom wanted to do was sit still. High energy is cool, up to a point, but papa Anthony has his limits, but he came up with an inspired solution: "I went home and broke out some demolitions I had on VHS..." You can bet the proverbial agricultural endeavor that Dr. Spock never thought of that. All things considered, we share papa Anthony's conclusion that the youngster is prime, demolition man material. In fact, we're willing to state that young Boom is the world's first, and only, demolitions prodigy.

With a PIG-conferred moniker like "Boom", the lad could join the PIG staff, today!

Brownsville (Mexas)
If you haven't bagged a copy of Cingular Wireless's "La Migra" ringtone, you just missed your chance. Unless some bright cyberspace bulb has posted it, you're out of luck Sparky and that's a damn shame. Why? For starters some Colonista whiners called it "disgusting" and "offensive", high praise that makes it a slam dunk for our awards page. And what, you ask, is this ringtone that has the whole PIG Staff green with envy because we didn't think of it?

As usual, we're all over it. The Brownsville Herald describes it this way: the ringtone started with a siren, followed by a male voice saying in a Southern drawl, "This is la Migra," a slang term for the Border Patrol. "Por favor, put the oranges down and step away from the cellphone. I repeat-o, put the oranges down and step away from the telephone-o. I'm deporting you back home-o." Big, big fun, but that's ancient history, now, because Cingular's suits let let the usual "activist" punks whine them into pulling the ringtone from their Web site.

We understand, more or less why these Cingular punks let some humor-challenged, properly-hyphenated whiners intimidate them. We "get it" when it comes to refraining from telling these Colonista punks to "bite me". But we'll never forgive them for robbing America of a thrillingly inkorrect dose of classic American humor.

Afterthought:
If anyone out there has a computer-friendly copy of this politically inkorrect ringtone, send it our way.

Bowdoinham (Maine)
A kind-hearted Down East couple - Albert and Nancy Poisson - found out the hard way the no good deed goes unpunished. Their adventure started last year when they offered a house that they owned to a family that was rendered homeless by Katrina. The terms of the arrangement were generous to a fault. The Katrina refugee family would live in the Poisson's Bowndoinham home for a year, free of charge. This week, the Poisson's got a nasty shock when they visited their Bowdoinham home. The refugee family was gone, some of the Poisson's appliances were missing in action; their hardwood floors were thrashed, and there was trash piled all over the damn house. Their house guests were long gone and nobody has the slightest notion where they went.

A Great Northwest Nitwit Epic
Source: Seattle Times [05/03/06]

Still basking in the afterglow of a visit by their Chinese commie - President Hu Jintao - comrade, the Great Northwest Nitwit liberal horde is ramping up for a visit from another "prominent world leader". Hang onto your rain slickers Washington denizens, Mexican President Vicente Fox is coming for a visit. Why? Because your governor invited him. Convinced that every Washington denizen is a moron, Governor Gregoire, is spewing bovine excrement about the curious timing of her "Vicente Fox, come on down" invite. The governor swears that it's just a coincidence that this visit is happening while the debate over the border jumping scumbag invaders is at the boiling point. That's not why she invited him, but she suspects that the topic might come up: "I think he will probably talk about it while he is here and bring a perspective and say it in a way that will be pretty telling to us." Blah, blah, blah...grovel, grovel, grovel.

We could almost overlook Governor Gregoir's blatant pandering to an America-hating cretin like Vicente Fox, but we draw the line at elevating this cosmic, Sombrero Stomping nothing to "prominent world leader" status.

Fun-Filled Intellectual Flat-Liner Adventures
Source: PIG News Wire [05/01/06]

Durham (North Carolina)
Determined to gain name recognition, school board candidate Steve Matherly, started late last year during a school board confab. In addition to 'disrupting' the meeting, Steve-o Emerilized his candidacy by head-butting an cop. Steve-o spins a compelling yarn about "a misunderstanding" and his efforts to quell a dust-up between two other meeting attendees. We know what you're thinking, PIGsters, and you're right because this week a judge convicted Steve-o of assault and disrupting a public meeting. He got front page name recognition, and much more: a 25-day suspended sentence and 18 months of unsupervised probation. Congratulations Steve-o, name recognition is no longer a problem. [From a news tip by PIG Correspondent Anthony Scott]

Roanoke Rapids (Virginia)
After a police chase, the cops finally cornered a man who was wanted for the attempted murder of his wife. Thanks to some perfectly deployed "stop sticks", the cops had Lawrence Wright between the proverbial rock and hard place but the fun was just getting started. Lawrence flatly refused to exit his car so a standoff ensued but, for a change, this one ended appropriately. Lawrence ended everyone's misery by offing himself. Aside from an extra report or two, this standoff ended perfectly: No trial, no court drama, no bovine excrement about his crappy childhood, just one room temperature desperado.

South Padre Island (Mexas)
Former Cameron County Attorney Doug Wright is a relentlessly fun guy who likes to air out his nads, preferably in a public place. While sunbathing on South Padre Island, Doug did what comes naturally and aired out his nads in front of the other beach bums, including some - gasp - children. That easily Doug got busted for indecent exposure, but this time out, thanks to those "what's that man doing mommy" tykes, Doug is charged with one count of indecency with a child.

For those who can't read between the lines, be advised that Doug resigned from his County Attorney gig, last summer, after his first indecent exposure adventure. Do everybody a favor, Doug and keep those nads under wraps.

Wilkes-Barre (Pennsylvania)
A born loser named Richard Mills grabbed for that "going back to the graybar hotel" brass ring when he broke into a home and tried to rob the occupants. Unwilling to procure his own weaponry, Richard snatched up a samurai sword at the scene of his crime and flailed at his intended victims with it. The two men in the house took off like scalded dogs, leaving their female companion to deal with Richard. His robbery attempt hit a major speed bump when she pulled out her gun and shot Richard in the leg. Nobody's fool, the woman beat a hasty retreat, leaving Richard to his own devices. Richard's caper turned completely to crap when the cops bagged him a few minutes later. Richard is the reason so many rational adults favor a three strikes law. Book 'em, Dano and this time, throw away the key.

New York I
An administrative law judge issued a ruling that should thrill all you Empire State PIGsters who, routinely, peruse our peerless prose on your office computer. The case involved a minion for the Department of Educrap named Toquir Choudhri. Toquir landed in hot water when his supervisors ordered him to stop cruising the information superhighway at work. The incident reached critical mass after supervisors accused Toquir of ignoring their order to cease his cyberspace surfing. Does this mean that reading PIG during working hours on your office computer is okey dokey in the Empire State? Maybe:

"It should be observed that the Internet has become the modern equivalent of a telephone or a daily newspaper, providing a combination of communication and information that most employees use as frequently in their personal lives as for their work. For this reason, city agencies permit workers to use a telephone for personal calls, so long as this does not interfere with their overall work performance. Many agencies apply the same standard to the use of the Internet for personal purposes." (Administrative Law Judge John Spooner)

If your boss busts you for reading PIG during office hours, you have our permission to tell him that PIG is vital to your continued mental health.

New York II
Backed by fashion designer Mark Ecko, seven spray can wranglers took their fight with the Big Apple's strict anti-graffiti law to federal court. Among other things, the city's anti-graffiti law makes it illegal for anyone under age 21 to possess spray paint or broad-tipped markers. These laws, the property-defacing dweebs claim, violate their right to free speech. Free speech? When did defacing someone else's property become and exercise in free speech? In case you wondered, the two Big Apple hacks who occupy the bull's-eye of this lawsuit are Mayor Michael Bloomberg and City Councilman Peter Vallone, both of whom are hard core graffiti foes.

North Carolina
Our dauntless Tar Heel State correspondent brings us this epic tale about a looming conflict between the ACLU and the Raleigh City Council over the council's traditional religious invocation. Spouting the usual bovine excrement about the invocations crossing the line separating church and state, the ACLU wants the prayer to be more generic, sort of a "to whom it may concern" invocation that doesn't single out a specific deity. As fun as this sounds, it gets better.

The situation took a spiffy turn when the City Attorney sent the council a draft of a letter that would go out to any supernaturalist who got the nod to perform the invocation:

Dear [blank],
You have graciously consented to offer the opening prayer at [date] Raleigh City Council meeting. The American Civil Liberties Union has recently expressed its concern that the opening prayers are not being given in the nonsectarian manner prescribed by law. Therefore, you are respectfully requested to make no mention of any particular faith, creed or deity during your prayer. The proscribed terms include, but are not limited to, Buddhism, Buddha, Confucianism, Confucius, Hinduism, Brahma, Islam, Muhammad, Judaism, Jehovah, Shinto, Kojiki, Sikhism, Guru Nanak, Christianity, Jesus Christ, Taoism, Lao Zi, Zoroastrianism, Zarathusta and Wicca.

The City of Raleigh appreciates your willingness to take time from your busy schedule to provide this service to the public. We look forward to seeing you on the appointed date and time.
Very truly yours,
City Clerk

After rejecting this letter, the council continues to hang tough and seems ready to go toe to toe with the ACLU in court, if necessary. For now, the council plans to have any style of invocation that thrills them spitless. The ball is back in the ACLU's court.

Oregon
The "do as I say, not as I do" chickens came home to roost for Teresa Kaiser when the officers who responded to a two-car crash detected a strong odor of adult beverage in Teresa's car. Teresa's tale of imbibing two glasses of wine over a five hour stretch didn't pass the "smell" test, or the Breathalyzer when she blew an impressive 0.16, nearly twice the legal limit. As a result of her close encounter with driving while differently-sober, Teresa tendered her resignation. Why? Oh, did we forget to mention that Teresa Kaiser was, at the time of her drunk driving infraction, the director of the Oregon Liquor Control Commission? It must have slipped our minds.

North Carolina Daily Double
Source: PIG News North Carolina Correspondent Anthony Scott [04/19/06]

Hillsborough
Under the terms of the Tar Heel State's Sex Offender and Public Protection Registry scheme, a convicted sex offender must register his address with state officials within 10 days, after he moves to new digs. Furthermore, every year, on the anniversary of the pervert's registration date, justice system officials mail out an address verification form. The pervert has 10 days to fill it out and return it. Against that background we focus our attention on a convicted pervert named Jerry Ronald Rogers.

Jerry's life hasn't been going swimmingly for a very long time, a fact that landed him in a homeless shelter in 1990. While there, Jerry branched out from garden variety vagrancy and public drunkenness to sex offender when he molested a little girl who was living in the same homeless shelter with her mother. That dose of perversion put Jerry in the slammer for 7 years, but he's out now, and still living the life of a born loser. Jerry is living on the streets, a fun fact that made it impossible for him to respond to the state's annual "tell us where you're living, pervert" missive.

The Orange County official charged with keeping tabs on perverts like Jerry cut this scumbag some slack and gave him from March 1, 2006 to April 5, 2006 to fill out and return the form. When Jerry didn't get the deed done, justice system officials rounded him up and granted him gray bar guest status. Jerry claims that the existing sex offender registration law doesn't allow for a homeless loser like him. We know were you are now, dude and, if we had our way, you'd stay in that graybar hotel until you rot, because all of your problems are self-inflicted.

Raleigh
Raleigh bureaucrats tried to cut downtown capitalists a break by designating short term parking spaces where shoppers can stow their ride for the 15 to 30 minutes needed to exchange dead presidents for some bargain priced goods or a quick snack. In theory, that rated as a win-win for all concerned, until the local Korrectniks gummed up the works. The fly in this mint julep flavored ointment is a special decree that allows handicapped motorists to park their ride in any parking space as long as they want, without getting ticketed. Having the short term parking tied up all day is a loser for shoppers who want a convenient place to park while they dash into a nearby store. It's also a loser for downtown capitalist who miss out on that business.

The city is making noises about resolving the situation with stricter enforcement and/or offering cut rate parking for handicapped drivers in city parking decks. The usual "activist" suspects are already whining that the city is punishing "people with disabilities" to solve their parking problems. PIG News wishes they'd stop whining and answer this question: How, exactly, does applying the law equally to all motorists punish anyone?

Stranger Than Fiction in Missouri
Source: PIG News Wire [04/17/06]

For reasons that will soon become obvious, PIG News is compelled to share this epic about a veteran of the first Gulf War, named Mitchell Eugene Potts. Proud of the stint he spent on the USS Yosemite in the Persian Gulf, Potts is a staunch believer in a strong national defense, but Potts is convinced that the ongoing military presence in Iraq is a mistake. The troops should be brought home, Potts opines, and must be used to secure our borders, instead. So far, Potts sounds like a Donkey Clan moderate, but, that's far from the case.

The first thing you need to know is that Potts is Elephant Clan, and, as luck would have it, is a candidate for the U.S. House seat currently held down by House Majority Whip Roy Blunt. The second thing you need to know about Potts is that "he" now uses the name "Midge", a name change necessitated when Mitchell came to terms with his inner "chick". That's right, PIGsters, we're spinning an all too true yarn about a "REAL" girlieman, a self-described transsexual.

For those who still care, be advised that Midge Pott's espouses the following platform planks: a debt-free America; energy independence; term limits, a "People's Veto"; direct democracy; and W should be impeached. It probably won't shock anybody that, so far, Midge/Mitchell has only raised $600 in campaign contributions from the social conservatives who populate herhis district.

Midge/Mitchell might be a bleeding heart liberal without snowball's chance in hell of winning, but shehe is the first person who has given us the merest hint of "fun" in this otherwise forgettable mid-term election cycle.

Terminally Spiffy Technology
Source: PIG News Wire [04/17/06]

A Longmont (Colorado) dude named Jason Niccum ran afoul of those badge-packing spoilsports when he was caught with 'interfering with a traffic signal'. If you're picturing him shooting out red lights, or otherwise despoiling public property, get over it. His "crime" - and we strongly dispute this label - involves using some technology to make the traffic signals he encounters more user friendly. The goodie in question is called an "Opticon" and when used correctly, it transmits a light strobe that makes the traffic signal change from red to green.

We hear those wheels turning Sparky and we don't blame you. Jason got his Opticon on e-Bay two years ago for a low, low $100. Before you spend the money be advised that the usual bureaucratic suspects are, systematically, updating traffic signal technology to block out all "unauthorized light-changing signals". According to our sources, you can still get this goodie on the Internet, and, chances are, that it might still work in your local area. Are we sanctioning this law-breaking? Nope, we're simply reporting all the fun facts.

"Yer Outta Here, Chichita"
Source: PIG News Wire [04/15/06]

A Sombrero Stomping journalist wench named Cecilia Velazquez - publisher of a Sombrero Stomping fishwrap named "Red Latina" - was forcibly evicted from the USA this week. Despite her high profile, this Colonista wench finally got what she deserved after she over-stayed her visitors visa. Her travails reached critical mass in December 2000, when immigration officials in Houston declared her "an intending immigrant" and gave her two weeks to return to Mexico. After she responded with the Spanish translation of "bite me", she was subsequently arrested in her St. Louis digs in 2003.

The wheels of immigration justice ground very slowly, but finally, she got her one-way ride to Mexico this week. Bummed, but unbowed, Cecilia vows to continue her journalistic enterprise from her new digs, south of the border. She better get very comfortable down there, because she's barred from re-entering the USA for at least 10 years. Adios, Colonista Breath.

Paranoid Delusion of the Week
Source: PIG News Wire [04/15/06]

Chicago Adlerman Ed Burke is convinced that the vote counting problems the Windy City incurred during a recent primary election are part of an international plot against America. The smoking gun, in Ed's fevered brain, is the fact that the company which provided the fatally flawed voting machines is owned by a - gasp - Venezuelan company. For those PIGsters who insist on a smoking gun, here it is, in Ed's own peerless prose:

"We've stumbled across what could be the international conspiracy to subvert the electoral process in the United States of America...I don't know how anybody could hire a company that's ownership is hidden, and traces its roots to Venezuela, where they've been involved with the dictator of Venezuela who Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld says is an enemy of the United States." (WLS, Chicago boob tube)

We're thrilled that Alderman Burke stayed awake during geography class, since he was forced to go all the way to Venezuela to find the villain who screwed up a Chicago election. On the other hand, we're more than a tad concerned that Ed went off his medication and shared the ensuing delusions with the whole world. Take your pill Ed and the voices will stop yammering at you.

American News Nuggets
Source: PIG News Wire [04/14/06]

Columbia (South Carolina)
Ass, n.
Any of several hoofed mammals of the genus Equus, resembling and closely related to the horses but having a smaller build and longer ears, and including the domesticated donkey. (American Heritage Dictionary)

Normally, when you read a story about a new coffee purveyor stirring up angst among the locals, the villain of the piece is that ubiquitous Great Northwest Nitwit export, Starbucks. We're pleased to report that the coffee bean wranglers at the center of this story have nothing to do with Starbucks. This time out, the java capitalists in the VRWC bull's-eye is a firm called "Bad Ass Coffee". Despite the salient fact that the company gets its name from the hard working donkeys who pack the coffee beans from the fields to the processing plants, certain Palmetto State TFV (Traditional Family Values) stalwarts are more than a tad distressed over the firm's name and logo. What if - gasp - some tyke see's the word "ass" and careens off into a life of sin and degredation? What if a tyke is lured into the dark side by the coffee capitalist's logo: an image of the southern end of a north bound donkey? Why is such "filth" allowed in solidly red state South Carolina?

At least one vocal TFV stalwart deems the firm's name too naughty for polite Southern society:

"I'm disappointed, because I thought our community had more class than this. This is right in the middle of our shopping area; right in the middle of our neighborhood. I don't see the families of our church of our neighborhood becoming patrons." (Columbia denizen, Ned Timmerman)

The city's mayor, Bob Coble, tries to reassure Ned and his TFV home boys that the firm's name is street legal:

"Every city has obscenity laws. I think without question you could not make an argument that this would fit under that."

The facts speak of themselves "Bad Ass" denotes a four-legged mammal with a certain "attitude". In other words, Ned, "get over it".

Raleigh (North Carolina)
The North Carolina Supreme Court ruled that a border jumping scumbag named Hector Diaz didn't have an emergency medical condition when he dumped medical bills for such medical goodies as chemotherapy and assorted other tax payer funded health care freebies. The court opined that, eventually, Hector's condition would qualify as a medical emergency that justifies taxpayer funded coverage, but that time had not arrived when doctors handed John and Jane Q. Public Hector's healthcare tab via Medicaid.

Does this mean that border jumping scumbags who don't have one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel aren't eligible for Medicaid? It should, but don't bet the cotton plantation on it.

Charlotte (North Carolina)
We're pleased to report that a Charlotte-Mecklenburg police officer named Kayvan Hazrati is starting to recover after getting shot in the head while trying to arrest a rape suspect. Initial worries have given way to relief, after Officer Hazrati spoke his first words this week.

Officer Hazrati caught his nearly fatal bullet while trying to serve a warrant on rape suspect Dennis Ellerbe. After this brave officer got wounded, the rest of the CMPD officers on the scene hunkered down to wait for Ellerbe to make things easy on himself. Unwilling to comply, Ellerbe eventually emerged packing a gun. Leaving nothing to chance, the cops gave him a high caliber reality check. We're far from pleased to report that Dennis Ellerbe's wound was not fatal. Ironically, he's being treated in the same hospital as Officer Hazrati. While it's true that we wish Officer Hazrati a complete and speedy recovery, the same can't be said of Dennis Ellerbe. Death, undoubtedly, is too good for him, but we're willing to "live" with it if you are. That's right PIGsters, we're going to say it: Just shoot the bastard, again.

Fayetteville (North Carolina)
For reasons we don't begin to understand, the general manager of Cumberland County's Alcoholic Beverage Control stores black flagged any and all gossip by his 64 employees. In a memo generated by general manager Gene Webb, the employees are directed to refrain from "getting involved in the business of another store or employee". If all goes according to plan, Gene predicts a rousing boost in employee morale and productivity.

Las Vegas (Nevada)
An FBI agent named Robert Clymer is suing GM because on January 29, 2005 his ride, a 2004 Chevy Silverado, caught fire after the engine ran for a prolonged period of time. In his complaint, Robert says his mishap started when he stopped by the side of the road to make a cell phone call. Robert goes on to explain that he, inexplicably, "lost consciousness" and that his ride "somehow produced a heavy smoke that filled the passenger cab". It sounds plausible, but Robert left out a couple key items:

Robert was drunk as a skunk on that fateful evening with a needle-pegging 0.306 blood-alcohol reading (four times the legal limit). The cops found an empty 25-ounce bottle of an adult beverage named Captain Morgan, on the passenger seat.

Robert passed out behind the wheel of his ride, causing it to jump a curb. The engine began to smoke and caught fire, after it kept running for a prolonged period of time.

When Robert entered his guilty plea to the ensuing charges, his shyster insisted that our hero wanted to take full responsibility for his actions: "Public officials make mistakes. With public officials, we expect them to own up to their mistakes and correct them." Two weeks after Robert's mea culpa, he laid this product liability lawsuit on GM.

Robert's antics are exposed by a very tasty tidbit. Six weeks before Robert decided to play product liability roulette, he and his wife declared bankruptcy. They owe at least $580,700 to their creditors, including $122,000 in credit card red ink. And now you know the rest of Robert's sad story. Don't you feel much, much safer knowing this clown is out there "protecting" us?

Assorted American News
Source: PIG News Wire [04/03/06]

Avondale (Arizona)
Avondale's bureaucrats are deadly serious about their trash, especially when it comes to recycling. Residents who violate the city's trash sorting edicts can be nailed for as much as $445 in fines, including court fees. Or, and tell me this doesn't warp your mind, a resident who flunked trash sorting 101 could secure a lower fine by attending one of the city's "recycling schools". Recycling school is a lot like traffic school, but the curriculum is a bunch of garbage.

Fort Myers (Florida)
Fort Myers (Florida) got into a whiz-a-thon with the Brits when high school officials black flagged an invitation for the Fort Myers high school band to march in London's 2007 New Year's Day parade. Citing concerns that the student musicians might stray into a terrorist incident like the London subway bombings, school superintendent James Browder nuked this enriching travel opportunity. His call, his cross to bear, but the story doesn't end there.

Annoyed - to put it mildly - by this slap in the face by those bloody Yanks, British officials are dishing up some payback by declaring that Fort Myers isn't a safe travel destination. Among other things, the Brit officials cite the city's crime rate, homicide rate, the number of traffic deaths plus the spiffy fact that Florida sits in the Hurricane Alley's bull's-eye. Worried about those elusive tourist dollars (millions of them) going elsewhere, Governor Jeb Bush thinks Superintendent Browder should rethink his decision. Undeterred, the superintendent is hanging tough, so South Florida can kiss those Brit tourist dollars goodbye.

Seattle (Washington)
An aromatic Great Northwest Nitwit peace punk mob thinks it would be just spiffy if they could put a citywide measure on the fall ballot that would, if enacted, tell military recruiters there aren't wanted or needed in or near the city's cess-schools. Proving how detached they are from reality, these rain-soaked peace punks ignore the bitter reality that the vote is virtually meaningless. No matter how the chads are punched, military recruiters will continue to ply their wares in the city's schools, because denying them access violates provisions of the fed's No Child Left Behind law. More important, refusing to give the recruiters access could cost the city $20 million federal dollars that Seattle's cess-schools can't live without.

Proving that the perpetrators of this voter initiative are firmly ensconced in the rain forest part of the Twilight Zone, we have this stellar quote about the initiative's purely "symbolic" nature:

"This idea that symbols don't matter and the words we use don't matter and the settings that we put recruiters in don't matter, pretty soon nothing matters." (Amy Hagopian, president of Garfield High School's PTSA)

For Amy, this is another important battle in what she views as a 21st century civil rights issue. Apparently, nobody told Amy that it's those men and women in uniform she's maligning who give her the liberty to perpetrate these Quixotic civil rights crusades.

Employee of the Year
Source: The Tennessean [04/02/06]

By all reports Daniel D. Erickson did a stellar job in the Tennessee Emergency Management Agency's (TEMA, part of the state Military Department) purchasing department. In fact, Daniel was such an outstanding employee that the state's National Guard Commander, Major General Gus Hargett, Jr., penned some laudatory prose about Daniel when he asked for a special exemption to raise Daniel's pay over and above what his slot in the TEMA bureaucracy authorized:

'..."Mr. Erickson has a Bachelor's Degree in Social Justice with an emphasis on English," Hargett wrote. "He also acquired his Juris Doctorate and previously owned his own business named The Erickson Law firm, where he practiced Real Estate Law. Prior to owning his own business, he worked for The Law Firm of W. Terry Edwards, where he assisted with real estate closings and other related paperwork. Due to the amount of responsibility placed upon this position, coupled with Mr. Erickson's education, this department feels justified in requesting the aforementioned salary range."...' (Tennessean)

There are, however, a few facts that the General left out of his missive. For starters, Daniel lost his law license when he pleaded guilty to felony charges: he tried to kill his bride so he could collect the insurance money. Furthermore, the General neglected to mention that this TEMA rising star is wearing prison stripes in a Tennessee graybar hotel. That's right, PIGsters, Daniel is a jailbird in minimum security lockup. Believe it or not, it's not a violation of Tennessee state law to hire a felon, but hiring one for a state job while he's still in the slammer seems to be breaking new ground.

How did he hold down a job from his cell? They put him on the state's work release program, a factoid that allowed Daniel to use a TEMA car to travel to and from his graybar digs. TEMA also gave him a cell phone, and allowed him access to a special TEMA security safe where weapons are stored. When the bovine excrement hit the proverbial cooling device, state prison officials got their panties in a wad over Daniel's cell phone, and the fact that he used his state supplied ride to go to unauthorized sites outside the prison. Prison officials put a stop to Daniel's antics, three weeks ago, when they moved him to a higher security graybar.

Despite Daniel's dysfunctional moral compass, PIG gives Daniel props for pulling off this TEMA scam for a full year, before reality mugged him. Daniel might be a scumbag but he's nobody's fool. That honor goes to the commanding general of Tennessee's National Guard, Major General Gus Hargett, Jr.

"For us, the safety and security of our customers and employees is a top priority, and we believe that carrying this issue could challenge that priority." (A spokeshole for Borders Group Inc.)

The suits infesting the executive suites at Borders and Waldenbooks got their girlmen panties in bunch the instant they found out that the April-May issue of "Free Inquiry" magazine contained 4 cartoons of the Mecca Maniac prophet. Terrified that the religion of peace pinheads would do what comes naturally, Borders Group, Inc. decreed that the cartoon jihad issue of 'Free Inquiry' will not be allowed in their stores. After Paul Kurtz, editor-in-chief at 'Free Inquiry' roasted Borders' cringing girliemen for going gutless and furtive when faced with Mecca Maniac intimidation, Borders dug themselves a deeper rhetorical hole:

"We absolutely respect our customers' right to choose what they wish to read and buy and we support the First Amendment. And we absolutely support the rights of Free Inquiry to publish the cartoons. We've just chosen not to carry this particular issue in our stores."

Borders Group management thinks we're stupid, stupid enough to believe their spin-doctored drivel. Free speech is nifty, Borders Group insists, but we allowed the violence prone Jihadikazes to gut the first amendment anyway. We're all for allowing our customers to choose whatever they want to read, as long as it doesn't make these 7th century thugs do what comes naturally. We're such cringing cowards we won't even come right out and admit the real reason we won't sell this issue of "Free Inquiry".

Borders Group can do whatever they want with their stores, and that's a fact. But it's also a fact that, despite my fondness for my local Borders Books outlet, I'll be doing my tome shopping at Amazon.

North Carolina's Jihadikaze
Source: PIG Correspondent Anthony Scott [03/25/06]

The more we learn about the Jihadikaze clown to tried to run down a group of UNC-Chapel Hill students, the more certain we are they he belongs in Club Gitmo. According to a letter the cops found in Mohammed Taheri-Azar's room, running over students in a rented Jeep Grand Cherokee was not his original idea. He settled for the silver SUV after he deduced that nobody would sell a wingnut like him a firearm.

"I would instead use a handgun to murder the citizens and residents of Chapel Hill, North Carolina, but the process of receiving a permit for a handgun in this city is highly restricted and out of my reach at present, most likely due to my foreign nationality."

"I do not wish to pursue my career as a student any further because I have no desires to amass the impermanent and temporary fame and material wealth that this world has to offer. However, I made the decision to continue my studies and to graduate from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill so that the world will know that Allah's servants are very intelligent."

Yeah, right, scumbag, the whole PIG staff is suitably impressed by your towering intellect. There's just one problem with your "I'm smarter than the average bear" claim. While it might be true that you're Einstein by 7th century Jihadikaze standards, you're just another degree-packing wingnut when you're measured by prevailing 21st century criteria.

Update: Mexas Boozer Crackdown
Source: AP [03/25/06]

Mexas hacks must be catching a lot of heat over the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission's party pooper antics (See "Party Pooper Pinheads", PIG News 03/20/06). After the TABC's antics made a big splash in the news cycle, state legicrats are making noises about "abuse of power" and "very questionable" arrests made under this "bag the differently sober in their watering holes" antics.

"At first, I was generally totally in agreement with them, but there are too many stories that demonstrate an abuse of power." (Mexas Senator Chris Harris)

"Somebody hanging around the hotel, a little stumbling on the way to their room? I don't think that was what we were focusing on." (State Rep. Peggy Hamric who authored a rewrite of the edict being abused by the TABC)

And what, you ask, does the TABC have to say about this? Plenty, thanks to the deluge of hostile messages in their e-mail inbox:

"I'm getting all those same e-mails, the Nazi, Taliban, Gestapo e-mails. I don't really understand the hateful outrage. I don't understand, 'Die in a fire.' " (TABC spokeswench Carolyn Beck)

Like roaches, bureaucrats scurry into hiding the instant somebody shines a light on their antics. Will they change their ways, or will they press on with their mindless quest to save sovereign individuals from themselves? When we know, you'll know. For now, if you live in Mexas and like to enjoy a brewskie or two in a favorite watering hole, be afraid, be very afraid. Under TABC rules, you're "drunk in public" whenever their storm trooper says you are.

Tar Heel State News
Source: PIG Correspondent Anthony Scott [03/25/06]

Raleigh
A human gene pool improvement volunteer named Christopher Elkins achieved room temperature in the wee hours of the morning this week. He made his contribution to the human gene pool when his lead-footed antics made him lose control of his 1994 Saturn. Determined to go out in a blaze of glory, he careened off the road, plowed through a ditch, took out a fence then murdered an innocent bovine that was minding its own business in a pasture. Bonus points were conferred for speeding, and for not wearing a seatbelt. Bonus points for nailing a bovine are still "under discussion".

Raleigh & Durham
Doing their evil deeds under the cover of darkness, some differently-courageous peacepunks attacked three North Carolina recruiting centers. They spray painted over the windows at two centers, tossed a rock through the window at a third recruiting office, plus they defaced doors and sidewalks at all three locations. Gutless to the end, these asshats spewed the following drivel in an anonymous e-mail message to the local News Nitwits:

"The poverty and exploitation of the economy at home fuels the brutality of occupation abroad, overseen by bosses and politicians indifferent to the suffering and havoc wreaked upon all sides. From Iraq to North Carolina, resistance will continue until the system of war and exploitation that endangers us all is dismantled."

Somebody needs to remind these scumbags that the brave men and women they're denigrating are the ones who defend the freedoms that whining peacepunks take for granted.

Davidson
A 17 year old punk is cooling his heels in the local graybar after he got busted for soliciting sex from wenchlets as young as 8 years old. Although Erik Macias confessed his crimes, his family insists that he's a peachy guy who is "confused" because he "doesn't know what's going on". Assuming that's true, why should he be allowed to roam the streets endangering 8 year old girls? He's 17 and that means he's old enough to know better. Jail him, Tar Heel Dano, for eternity.

Charlotte
PIG's North Carolina correspondent, Anthony Scott started slobbering all over himself after he learned that a local booty emporium, the Paper Doll Lounge, was poised to service two of his known vices. In addition to scratching his lecherous itch for strippers, the Paper Doll Lounge is now poised to serve another primary Anthony Scott craving: gambling. That's right, Anthony Scott fans - and we both know who you are - the Paper Doll Lounge will start selling lottery tickets in addition to those lap dance tickets that Anthony purchases by the boatload.

PIG is currently in intense negotiations with Chris Falls, the capitalist who owns the Paper Doll Lounge, to offer what we choose to call the "Anthony Scott Special": buy three lap dances and you get a free scratch off ticket.

Durham
Virginia Hansen's day turned to crap when she was stopped for a routine traffic infraction. Due to certain incriminating facts, the last thing Virginia wanted or needed was a close encounter with the Durham County justice system. Virginia decided to cut her chat with Durham County Sheriff Deputy J.M Pinner short by running him over with her ride. She hit the gas and nearly nailed the deputy with her opened driver side door. Luckily, the deputy was agile enough escape by jumping onto the car's hood before jumping off again.

The reason for Virginia's curious antics came to light when the cops inspected her ride: seven grams of cocain, ten grams of pot, plus quantities of oxycontin and clonezepam . She's in the slammer facing drug dealing charges, possessing drug paraphernalia and assaulting a police officer. Book her, Billy-Bob.

Oregon's White Elephant
Source: The Oregonian [03/20/06]

Oregon taxpayers shelled out a whopping $59,000,000 to build the new Mutnomah County graybar - the Wapato Facility - and they got bang for their stolen bucks. From the outside it looks like a "manor with pink stucco and glass tile on the outside'' (Oregonian). The interior is equally compelling with vaulted ceilings, pastel colors, spacious 75 bed dormitories, private showers, flat screen televisions, and $600,000 in artwork. It's a graybar that seems to have everything. There's only one thing it lacks nearly two years after it was completed: prisoners.

Due to an unexpected change of tax dollar fortunes, the relevant authorities can't afford to spend the $20 million a year to open this high tech graybar. Making this matter that much more thrilling for everyone concerned, while the government coffers are swimming in $32 million in red ink, the up and running jails are full to overflowing. Last year, Multmomah County granted at least 5,000 graybar guests an early release. In one notable instance, a guest returned two days after his early release for stabbing a dude to death.

Given the choice between opening the Wapato White Elephant and spreading redistribution of wealth joy on social programs, drug rehab and government cess-schools, the relevant hacks opted for wealth redistribution. That leaves the White Elephant gathering dust, but we have a spiffy suggestion for them. If Multnomah officials want to sell their White Elephant, PIG News thinks it sounds like an ideal place for brainwashing new Scientology recruits.

Update: UNC-Chapel Hill's Jihadikaze
Source: PIG Correspondent Anthony Scott [03/20/06]

"The U.S. government is responsible for the deaths of and the torture of countless followers of Allah, my brothers and sisters. My attack on Americans at UNC was in retaliation for similar attacks." (A letter this N.C. Jihadikaze wrote to a newspaper reporter)

Our North Carolina correspondent, Anthony Scott, reports that the Jihadikaze pissant who plowed his SUV into some University of North Carolina students won't be facing the terrorism charges he so richly deserves because the Tar Heel State doesn't have a relevant terrorism statute. Despite Mohammad Taheri-Azar's self-incriminating prose, he'll probably get off with a judicial wrist-slap.

As expected the usual religion of peace pinheads are circling their camel carts to ward off those inevitable infidel slings and arrows. The Jihadikaze's family insists he's a peachy dude at heart and blithers that mowing down Ivory Tower students is "uncharacteristic of him". Elsewhere, what passes for leadership in the Tar Heel State's Mecca Maniac community held a press conference to say, in essence "It's not our fault that he's several sheep short of a flock":

"Islamic scholars have clearly and repeatedly stated that attacks on innocent civilians of any kind are prohibited by Islam and should be repudiated. There are people who have strange views about any number of faiths and they shouldn't be taken as representative of those faiths." (Official blithering from our pals at the Council of American-Islamic Relations).

CAIR's veracity is, at best, dubious. Okay, we'll come right out and say it. If CAIR announced that Allah decreed the Sun rise in the East and set in the West, we'd be obligated to demand that we get a second opinion from a rational adult. On the subject of attacks on innocent civilians, PIG News has a couple questions to ask CAIR. Why is it that all over the world, it's Islamikazes - not Baptists, Wiccans or Buddhists - who are beheading civilians for sport or blowing themselves up in marketplaces and outside Mosques? Why is it that every "I want some of that celestial virgin action, right now" punk grabs for that cherry harem brass ring when surrounded by civilians? We've heard enough from CAIR for a lifetime. The following excerpt from a PIG Commentary paints a bull's-eye on CAIR and its blithering:

"CAIR, all the Mecca Maniac Meatheads, need a reality check if they expect anyone to take them seriously. Mecca Maniac theology...Mecca Maniac scripture aren’t the issue. The only viable standard by which to measure a supernaturalist sect is how Mecca Maniacs enact the aforementioned theology and scripture, today, in the 21st century. The Mecca Maniac tome may or may not promote tolerance, but that’s beside the point. The day in, day out, practical application of Mecca Mania - around the world - reeks of mindless, irrational intolerance. Mecca Mania, as implemented in the political realm is tyrannical and a threat to every sovereign individual who comes under its control. Until CAIR, and others of their ilk do something about that sad fact, they can shut the hell up about Mecca Mania being a "religion of peace" and/or tolerance."

Party Pooper Pinheads
Source: PIG News Wire [03/20/06]

The Lone Stare State's Booze Nazis took their quest to curtail drunk driving straight into the Twilight Zone when they arrested some hotel guests for being "drunk" in the hotel's bar. Although the stated reason for the Booze Nazi's Storm Trooper tactics is to make the roads safe, they arrested the hotel guests anyway, because "they might endanger the public by driving on those dangerous Mexas highways and byways". What the hell did these Booze Nazis think the hotel guest was going to do, get in their ride and drive up to their hotel room?

When these TABC Booze Nazis start arresting hotel guests for drinking in the hotel's watering hole, it's safe to assume that individual liberty is on life support in Mexas. It's almost as bad as these same mutants arresting differently-sober bar patrons who are accompanied by a stone cold sober designated driver. If Mexas's rational adults don't put a stop to this crap, they have nobody but themselves to blame for the tyranny that ensues.

Immigration News Briefs
Source: PIG News Wire [03/17/06]

Phoenix (Arizona)
"Send me a clean bill that provides sufficient resources to enable more of our Guard to deploy to the border in a manner that respects the constitutional role of the commander in chief." (Governor Janet "The Weasel" Napolitano)

Arizona Governor Janet Napolitano appears to be playing politics with an issue that's near and dear to the hearts of the Grand Canyon State's legal residents. When it comes to fighting against the border jumping scumbag tidal wave that threatens to engulf her state, she talks tough - especially when those New Nitwit cameras are rolling. But, when it comes to putting her name on the dotted line, she has enough excuses to fill the Manhattan telephone directory.

This week, Governor - and candidate for another term - Napolitano had a chance to sign a bill that would use $10,000,000 taxpayer dollars 'to station 100 additional National Guard troops along the Mexican border' (News Max). Instead of backing up her strong - we must turn back this border jumping scumbag invasion - words, Governor Napolitano vetoed it, spouting drivel about it "usurping her authority as the state's commander-in-chief". This is a curious reversal from her antics a few days earlier when she signed an executive order 'that would have permitted the Guard to help the Border Patrol with vehicle inspections and other tasks' (News Max). The legislation she vetoed would have resolved issues that Governor Napolitano ignored: how many troops, funding their deployment; the length of a Guard unit's deployment.

Arizona's legal residents deserve better than a Governor who, apparently, is playing politics while the state is under attack by border jumping scumbag invaders. It's time for Arizona voters to dump this political hack like a bad habit and elect someone who "gets it" when it comes to the border jumping scumbag invasion.

Washington D.C.
Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist must be channeling Nostradamus, because he seems to be keenly aware that his VRWC base is getting angrier by the minute over Uncle Sam's stunning ineptitude when it comes to protecting this nation's borders. His presumed 2008 Oval Office bid would benefit greatly, if he managed to ride this tidal wave of VRWC anger over the border jumping scumbag invasion. That might explain why he's the only Senator - as far as we can tell - who has come out with an proposed border control bill that places the lion's share of the emphasis on enforcement.

An AP piece reports that Frist's bill would:

'...Require all employers to verify the identity and immigration status of their employees through an electronic system.

Assess civil penalties of between $500 and $20,000 against employers for each illegal immigrant they hire and criminal penalties of up to $20,000 per illegal immigrant hired and up to six months in jail for engaging in a pattern of employing illegal workers.

Add 4,400 Border Patrol agents over six years to the 10,000 Congress provided for in the intelligence reform law passed in 2004, and 1,000 more immigrant smuggling investigators over the next five years.

More than double the number of employment-based green cards, from 140,000 to 290,000, and make more employment based visas available to unskilled workers. It also would free up other visas by exempting immediate relatives of U.S. citizens from being counted in the annual pool of 480,000 visas, and increase country-by-country ceilings on family sponsored and employment-based immigrants...'

Hopefully, Frist means business and fully intends to follow through on his "enforcement" proposals. If he proves to be just another ambitious Capitol Hill gasbag, he better get ready for an earful of unrelenting PIGish abuse.

Tar Heel State News Roundup
Source: PIG's NC Correspondent Antony Scott [03/12/06]

Party Crashing in Chapel Hill
The party was going strong, perhaps a tad too strong, when some uninvited, badge wearing, justice system guests responded to a noise complaint. When the party guests spotted the men in blue they scattered, with many of them seeking refuge in the attic crawl space. The idea wasn't, in and of itself, fatally flawed, but it did have one pesky gotcha. The sheetrock couldn't handle the load, so it buckled, after which gravity did the rest, depositing the hidden party punks at the cop's feet.

Three twenty-something dudes were busted for the sale of 'alcohol to underage persons, and aiding and abetting to the sale of alcohol to underage persons' (News & Observer). One underage party goer, 19 year old UNC-Chapel Hill cross country MVP Brianna Felnagle, got busted for possessing an adult beverage and resisting arrest. She got tagged with community service, plus, she got black-flagged from a track meet. Resisting arrest! Shame on you, Brianna.

False Adverstising?
An Orange County (North Carolina) woman named Tracy Lecates blundered onto the local police's radar when she got caught wearing a shirt labeled "POLICE" and claiming to be an undercover Fed with the FBI. Going for the stupidity daily double, she's also charged with violating a domestic violence protective order taken out against her by packing a semiautomatic pistol. For some reason, the local justice system let this armed and cranky female out on a bail for a low, low $4,000.

Mecca Maniac Fun and Games
[Anthony's prose was so inspirational, we decided to print it exactly the way he submitted it.]

"As if the Mecca Maniacs were not having enough of a public-image problem: Memebers of the Moorish Nation (stealing the name of the people who once spread fear into Europe is bad enough) caught red-handed using fake papers to buy luxury cars...gonna make CAIR tear their hijabs and towels off in dismay...hehehehe...And who the hell would go to the effort of changing one's name to a Mecca Maniac sounding one without bothering to actually do the research? Example: one of the suspect's name is Anewa Tiara El ....El what?????? El Stupido? El Feo???"

[In addition to using false documents to buy BMW's, these Mecca Maniac clowns got nailed for filing fraudulent tax returns and trying to nail Uncle Sam for $90 million dollars.]

Making Excuses
A 2001 North Carolina law allows a breeder to, anonymously, surrender her unharmed infant to any responsible adult during the infants first seven days of life. Despite this law, the Tar Heel State has incurred numerous instances of abandoned infants, including 17 abandoned infants who died between 1999 and 2004. As expected, the usual suspects are "troubled", but despite their misgivings they persist in making excuses for breeders who callously dump their offspring in some remote spot and leave them to die. The most popular excuses cited for these breeder antics include: rape, illegitimacy, incest, extramarital paternity and our personal favorite "perceiving the child as an obstacle to personal achievement" (A study by the National Abandoned Infants Assistance Resource Center).

"[The state's Safe Surrender option] is a last, last option. If (other) options do not work for them, they do have this option rather than killing the infant or abandoning the infant." (Brenda Edwards, program manager with the N.C. Division of Public Health's children and youth branch)

Laura O'Neal, director of Nash County Department of Social Services thinks this abandonment problem is due to breeders not being aware of the Safe Surrender option:

"My concern is that people don't know or that people don't trust that this law was enacted. We're trying to get where people are aware that this is an option as well as a much better choice (than abandonment)." Spurred by the abandonment, O'Neal distributed fliers _ both in English and Spanish _ explaining the Safe Surrender law throughout the county. Every middle school and high school in the Nash-Rocky Mount school system agreed to hang fliers in hallways, she said. Her department is also working to get movie theaters and billboards to promote the law.

PIG's Tar Heel correspondent, fixes the blame were it belongs with these well-chosen words:

"Hasn't either of the two people involved [the breeder and her sperm doner] heard of condoms? Birth control? No...wait...we can't teach such things because the Cross Cultists, Mecca Maniacs (take your pick) raise holy hell whenever the state DARES to do so...instead, we end up with defenseless little humans who are dumped like trash because we allow people to do whatever the hell they WANT without teaching consequences."

It would be nice if all prospective parents gave the decision to "perpetuate" the human species at least as much thought as they give to which television set to buy, or which movie to rent. It would be nice, but we're not going to hold our breath waiting for that to happen. I'll close with these sage words of breeding wisdom from that great philosopher, Stealth: "Whoops is no substitute for meaningful family planning."

American News Nuggets
Source: PIG News Wire [03/11/06]

Waterbury (Vermont)
With it's graybar suites full to overflowing and more guests qualifying for accommodations every damn day, the Green Mountain State made an unusually rational decision. Instead of building new graybar guest suites at great expense ($40 million dollars), they decided to export their excess graybar guests to Oklahoma. The dirty little secret about this export our prisoners scam is this: it costs half as much to house them in Oklahoma. Instead of the $40,000 per year to warehouse them in Vermont, it costs a low, low $20,000 to send them to an Sooner slammer.

As spiffy as this sounds to a rational adult, Vermont's Corrections Commissioner, Rob Hoffman, frets that this prisoner offloading gives the lucky, "congratulations you're headed for Oklahoma" desperados a boo-boo:

"They're further from their families. They're disconnected from their personal networks that hopefully will help re-integrate them into society and in some cases they pick up some bad habits." (Rob Hoffman)

"Pick up some bad habits"? If they're living in a graybar, they already passed go on that score, Rob. Are we the only ones who thinks Rob needs to pull his head out of his butt, stop whining and grow a pair? I doubt it.

Douglas County (Minnesota)
On March 6, 2006, a Douglas County administrator named Bill Schalow issued a policy that mandated local news media in general, and the journalists at the Echo Press in particular, submit all stories to his office for review and approval, before they could publish or broadcast them. By March 10, 2006, the bovine excrement's impact with the proverbial cooling device had Billy boy back-peddling as if his hack career depended on it. The mea culpa that ran in March 10th's Echo Press featured the word "apologize" 8 times. He apologized to the fishwrap's editor, county officials and the public.

Trying to spin this P.R. disaster into something much less job-threatening, Billy ran this notion up the proverbial flagpole:

'...Schalow recycled a communications protocol he had written in the 1990s for nearby Pope County, when he worked there. Pope County workers were on strike, it was a tense time, and the county wanted a procedure for handling media inquires. "It was for a totally different situation," he said. "My mistake was dusting that off and e-mailing it to my friend the reporter. But I thought she'd call me, say 'This is stupid, and let's talk.' I didn't know it would turn into a front-page article."...' (Minneapolis Star-Tribune)

As dumb as Billy was to dream up this asinine notion in the first place, he snatched that Nanny State Nitwit brass ring when he decided to e-mail it to a reporter. Increase the voltage on your shock treatments then take your medication and those voices in your head will stop, Billy. Don't make us send Spike the Wonder Tyke after you, because you so don't want to go there.

Louisville's Arena Adventure
Source: Lexington Herald-Leader [03/10/06]

Normally, a news item about a city plundering the taxpayer to build another arena or stadium wouldn't make the PIG News cut. "Been there, done that" sums up this scribbler's attitude perfectly. At first glance, Louisville's (Kentucky) $381 million dollar riverside arena boondoggle doesn't rate more than a brief mention, if that. However, in Louisville's case, the captivating devilish detail involves the plan to spend $63 million to relocate the Louisville Gas & Electric transmission station on the chosen site. These bright bulbs want to spend $63 million in dead presidents to move the power facility across the street, a mere 30 yards away. The perpetrators of this grand scheme opine that the existing LG&E facility is an eyesore. Moving it would allow the utility to upgrade to new technology and hide this alleged "blight" behind a brick walled facade.

Curiously, there is another site that would just as easily accommodate the new arena and, equally interesting, it costs $114 million dollars less. The pinheads who think a new, publically-financed arena is an idea whose time has come, like the idea of an arena built along the Ohio River. In case they ask at the trial, LG&E isn't interested in selling or upgrading it's river-front facility, since it's bought, paid for, and continues to get the job done.

I'll forgo the traditional pagan scribbler tirade about the evils of these Nanny State funded arena boondoggles to predict lots more big arena project fun on Louisville's horizon. Since it's an election year, the relevant political hacks, local and state, are lining up to squeeze the maximum political advantage from this "why don't we just move the power station across the street" idea.

Homeowner Association Disses "Support the Troops" Sign
Source: PIG News Wire [03/09/06]

"No tyranny is more oppressive than the despotism perpetrated by those self-appointed behavior arbiters who gravitate to that egregiously anti-liberty cabal, the homeowners association." (The Politically Incorrect Gazette "PIG Advice")

Stacey Kelly took a headlong plunge into homeowner association hell the instant she put out a "support our troops" sign to lend her moral support to hubby David during his prolonged posting in Iraq. In and of itself, the two foot high sign erected well off the street near her garage seems innocent enough, to a rational adult, but she's not dealing with rational adults. She's in a tussle with that infamous outpost of petty tyranny, the homeowners association.

According to the Westchase community's rules, the only signs a Westchase homeowner is allowed to display are "for sale" and "for rent" notices. Everything else is strictly banned by the agreement a homeowner signs as part of the purchase agreement. Unwilling to negotiate, the Westchase homeowners association warned Stacey, in writing, that she must take down the offending sign or face a $100 a day fine. Homeowner association president Daryl Manning is an Army reservist who served a tour in Iraq so he's sympathetic and supportive, on a personal level. But, as the homeowners association president, he must enforce the rules. Citing the tried and true "slippery slope" argument, he warns that an outburst of free speech - via signs for and against the war, and other things - would break out and the last thing we need in Daryl's America is something like that.

This pagan scribbler appreciates the message that Stacey is trying to send, but she has only herself to blame for this sign flap. She volunteered for this petty homeowner association tyranny when she autographed that purchase agreement. Unless she can persuade the local homeowner association tyrants to change the rules, she must suck it up and live up to the purchase agreement she entered into willingly. When we, voluntarily, promise, in writing, to comply with certain rules of engagement, we're obligated to fulfill our end of this bargain. It sucks, but that's the way a country populated by sovereign individuals works.

North Carolina News Briefs
Source: PIG's North Carolina Correspondent Anthony Scott [03/04/06]

Cops Want To Zap Rotten Cess-School Apples
With their officers greatly outnumbered - 1,000 to one - two Rockingham County law enforcement cabals want to even the odds by arming their "endangered" officers with a badge packers favorite new high-tech toy, the Taser. And where, you ask, is this dangerous beat that has the assigned officers so terrified? The local graybar? Nope. A gang-infested section of town? Nope. An establishment that has a very unsavory clientele? Nope, but you're getting warmer. The cops in question are "resource officers" assigned to keep the peace at Rockingham's government cess-schools. Are these cops paranoid? Not necessarily.

'...In April 2005, Reidsville's police chief, Edd Hunt, sought permission for his officers to use stun guns on unruly middle and high school students. He wanted his officers who worked at the district's alternative school, called the SCORE Center, and at the court-run Alternative Learning Program, known as ALPS, to carry them...' (Greensboro News-Record)

For those who aren't up to speed on advanced cess-school concepts. An "alternative" school is where Educrats exile their bad apples, a tactic that removes these "troublemakers" from the general inmate population without sacrificing that all important headcount money. A cop patrolling that beat has ample reasons to ask for a Taser to even up the odds. That's why the police agencies in question will ignore the school board's repeated refusals and keep asking the burning Taser question.

Pervert Bagged In School Restroom
A Hickery Grove high school wenchlet got a nasty shock when she spotted a pervert named Louis Castillo skulking in the girls' restroom. Fleeing from the restroom, she alerted anyone who would listen, facilitating the pervert's capture by the school's resident cop and a maintenance dude.

Nobody can explain how Louis managed to get into the school, but everyone is convinced that this isn't Louis's first peep-a-thon in the girls' restroom. Now that he's a graybar guest, he's destined to have more pressing issues on his alleged mind. For starters, he'll be doing anything and everything to avoid becoming Bubba's bitch.

An On The Scene News Report from Anthony Scott
Last weekend we had the entertainment of a trespass arrest in the condo complex where I live. We have a no-fooling-around trespass policy where if you aren't supposed to be here you get a visit to the grey bar hotel (another of your delightful metaphors) for the night. Anyway, some of the more sarcastic and police-friendly residents came out to observe the proceedings. The Olympics were taking place so we decided to score the arrest. So we gathered some empty cardboard boxes, ripped them up, and began marking them with various numbers just like the Olympics. You guessed it, by the time the cops realized it they were staring at signs saying "9.0", "8.5" and so forth. They were a little miffed until they understood what in hell we were doing and then got into the spirit of things, one male officer wanting to know why I gave him only a 7.5. I said it was because he was too gentle, I was expecting maybe a little scuffle to be put down by macing or something. He smiled and the local patrol officers now know that they are being watched and graded. Democracy at work.

Names In The News
Source: PIG News Wire [03/03/06]

Domino's Pizza Owner, Thomas S. Monaghan
A hard core Rosary True Believer, Tommy boy tapped his deep pockets to help fund a very special town in the Land of Hanging Chads. The name for this new town is Ave Maria, a name it shares with the town's new Stained Glass Tower, Ave Maria University. Ave Maria University is - according to the news nitwits - the first Catholic university built in the USA in four decades. Bold new supernaturalist concept.

Tommy's plan is very simple. He wants to create a town - and a university - that is steeped in TCF (Traditional Catholic Values). Ideally - according to some verbiage Tommy spewed last year during a speech to a Catholic men's group in Bean Town - this town would be populated exclusively by Catholics and would be family friendly to a fault:

No "pornographic" magazines

Pharmacies won't sell condoms or birth control pills

Ave Maria's cable television link will be devoid of X-rated content.

Fast forward to the present and Tommy has changed his tune. His new song insists that everyone will be welcome in Ave Maria and the foregoing rules are restricted to the new Stained Glass Tower, exclusively. Tommy's money quote insists that "The Town will be open to anybody." You don't need a super computer to decipher this change. The ACLU has been making noises about suing Tommy and his partner in town building, the agricultural and real estate capitalists at Barron Collier Co. Despite the ACLU threats - or because of them - Florida's attorney general opined, for the record, that Tommy's original plans didn't violate state law.

This pagan scribbler deems Tommy's original "my town, my rules, strict Catholic values only" concept "no harm, no foul". It sounds like Tommy's plan is very similar to those "Golden Years" communities that set strict, age-specific rules governing who can live there. It's his property, so he should be allowed to set the rules for those who, voluntarily, sign up to play by those rules. Nobody is being coerced into attenuating their inalienable rights, so it's nobody else's business. Granted, it's not a place I'd want to live, but if Rosary Joe wants to live there in porn-free, condom-free, sanitized cable television splendor, where's the harm?

Randy "Duke" Cunningham, Defrocked Congresspunk
"Your honor I have ripped my life to shreds due to my actions, my actions that I did to myself. I made a very wrong turn. I rationalized decisions I knew were wrong. I did that, sir." (Greedy rat bastard, Randy Cunningham)

Looking suitably tragic, ex-Mexifornia Congressman, Randy "Duke" Cunningham stumbled into court supported by two aides to pay the piper for his record-shattering bribe taking. During his tenure in office, Randy looted willing capitalists to the tune of $2,400,000 in homes, yachts, antique furnishings and assorted other goodies. Randy was so brazen in his pay-for-play larceny that he, reportedly, passed out a price list, detailing the services he'd render for a given cost. Big, big fun.

Friday, a Judge nailed this greedy dolt with the longest prison term ever meted out to a former congresspunk: 8 years, 4 months in a Club Fed graybar. Payback's a bitch.

Border Jumping Scumbag News Briefs
Source: PIG News Wire [03/02/06]

Airborne Invasion?
On February 21st an unmarked helicopter willfully violated American airspace near San Luis (Arizona) and buzzed around un-damn-invited for about 20 minutes. The U.S. Border Patrol's designated spokesdolt issued this statement:

"After proper coordination and verifications with the government of Mexico, they confirmed that the helicopter belonged to the Mexican Attorney General's Office (PGR) and had mistakenly and unintentionally crossed into U.S. airspace."

A local border watcher named Flash Sharrar saw the whole incident and insists that the chopper contained Mexican Military, not the Mexican federal agents cited by the Border Patrol flack. "That was the Mexican military. You could see the uniforms." Flash made another telling point. If the airborne incursion hadn't been spotted, the Border Patrol spokeshole would deny that it ever happened.

Mississippi's Border Jumper Invader Red Ink
According to the Magnolia State's auditor, Phil Bryant, border jumping scumbags who reside in Mississippi nail state taxpayers for an estimated $25,000,000 annually for healthcare, educrap and prison costs. Up to here with this drain on the state's coffers, State Auditor Bryant offers the following plan of action:

# State agencies and schools should count illegal immigrants to gain a picture of how many are in Mississippi and the costs of using social services.
# Legislature should pass Senate Bill 2433 allowing the state to cancel any contracts with companies that employ illegal immigrants.
# Hospitals, schools and the departments of Health and Human Services should determine the impact of illegal immigrants on infectious diseases.
# The Department of Public Safety and local law enforcement should track the apprehension of illegal immigrants.
# Law enforcement should receive federal training for identifying and detaining illegal immigrants.
# Lawmakers should ensure the state’s laws reflecting others in the region.

You don't need a crystal ball to predict that Mr. Bryant's suggestion hit a raw nerve with the usual, border jumping scumbag coddling suspects.

"These people value the education their children receive here and would hate it if their children were not allowed to be in school. Medical attention is so critical, if they did not receive that, people would die." (Sister Pat Godri)

[PIGish Response from PIG's Immigration Primer: "An aspiring immigrant's unrequited needs are irrelevant; they do not entitle the needy to the unearned fruit of another individual's labor. Parasite coddlers insist that these intruders - invaders is more accurate - have a right to a job, an education and medical care, even when that means someone else is forced to pay the bill."]

PIG News confers kudos on Phil Bryant for having the nads to handle this political hot potato.

Chilling Tidbits from The Senate Judiciary Committee Hearings
The U.S. Senate's Judiciary Committee is doing what it does best: talking about a problem instead of taking steps to solve it. Do they really need to have sheriffs from the front lines of this fight to preserve our national sovereignty tell these marathon debaters that our border is getting deadlier by the minute? Apparently.

Here are a few of the more compelling tidbits PIG News gleaned from the fishwrap reports:

"[Border Jumping Scumbag invaders] make it known to the deputies: 'We're going through, you're not going to stop us.' " (Sheriff A. D'Wayne Jernigan of Val Verde County in Texas)

"We anticipate that we will be in a fight, a very violent confrontation, in every interdiction effort, with running gunbattles down public roadways." (Sheriff Larry A. Dever of Cochise County in Arizona)

'...Under questioning by Sen. Jeff Sessions, Marcy M. Forman, the director of the Office of Investigations for Immigration and Customs Enforcement, said her office doesn't have the money or staff to respond to all calls from local law enforcement to come pick up illegal aliens.

"Basically the rule in Alabama was it was 15 or more, we might come and pick them up. Otherwise basically don't bother to call. Isn't that the real fact?" said Mr. Sessions, Alabama Republican...' (Washington Times)

'...one reason for the rise in violence on the U.S. side is that many illegal aliens are convicted criminals or persons wanted for crimes. More than 42,000 illegal aliens caught at the U.S. border in the past five months fell into that category, according to U.S. Customs and Border Protection...' (Washington Times)

Our nation is being invaded by heavily armed asshats and the only people doing a damn thing about it are the brave men in local law enforcement who put their lives on the line doing Uncle Sam's goddamn job. And what, you ask, is Uncle Sam doing about it? The House Judiciary Committee plans to hold hearings about it next week. I don't know about you, but I'm feeling much safer already.

"I just want to generate people talking about this issue. The few people that will probably call me on it, it gives me a chance to bring up the free speech issue and the fact they wouldn't want me to have the right to do anything to them if they offended me. I wouldn't expect the right to fine, imprison or kill them if they did something to offend me. It's free speech and the fact a lot of newspapers out of cowardice ... just plain cowardice for not publishing something that is a major news item." (John Cafferty)

Outraged by the gutless fishwrap cowards who refused to print the Muhammad toons, Beaumont (Mexas) denizen John Cafferty decided to make a heroic stand for free speech. He contacted a local sign company and shelled out $130 dollars for a 4 X 8 foot sign showing the cartoon of the Mecca Maniac prophet wearing a turban that's shaped like a bomb. Determined to make his point unambiguously clear, he added the following prose to the sign he erected on the front lawn of his Beaumont abode: "For This Cartoon In Danish and Norwegian [sic] Newspapers Muslems [sic] Worldwide Have Rioted, and Killed and Now Offer $11 Million Reward to Kill The Cartoonist."

John Cafferty is our kind of dude. He defied the local Jihadikazes and dared to do what the cringing journalistic cowards were too gutless to do. That's why we named him our hero of the week.

Border Jumper Coddlers Terrorize Minutemen Children
Source: World Net Daily [02/25/06]

"...We are going to picket their houses, and the schools of their kids, and go to their work." (Gustavo Torres, executive director of Casa de Maryland and child terrorizer)

Outraged by the Maryland Minutemen who are photographing/targeting the contractors who hire day laborers at the Casa de Maryland's "give a border jumping scumbag a day labor job" center, Gustavo Torres plans to fight back by, among other things, terrorizing the Minutemen and their children. The fetid fact that 51% of Casa de Maryland's annual $2,771,625 budget comes from Nanny State coffers, makes this bovine excrement the ultimate indignity for the Minutemen who are forced to support these child terrorizing rat bastards with their own tax money.

"Threatening children like this is outrageous. Casa de Maryland's funding should be pulled and its contracts cancelled. It is beyond belief that taxpayer dollars are funding this thuggish behavior." (Minuteman Civil Defense Corps President Chris Simcox.)

We trust the Minutemen to take care of themselves, but terrorizing their children is a stunning new, gutless rat bastard low, even for an America-hating, border jumping scumbag coddler of Gustavo's ilk. We fervently hope that one or more of Maryland's Minutemen exercise their Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms by giving some tyke terrorizing Casa de Maryland rat bastard a high caliber reality check. That's right PIGsters, we're coming right out with it. Any rat bastard to terrorizes children deserves to be goddamn shot. No questions. No exceptions. Just shoot the rat bastards.

Teaching American Kids The Wrong Lessons
Source: Boston Globe [02/23/06]

America's self esteem movement is teaching our kids the wrong lessons and it's going to come back to haunt us, down the line. This "feel good" bovine excrement is thriving in youth sports leagues like Framingham (Massachusetts) youth basketball where every participating fifth and sixth grader gets a trophy. First place or last, starter or bench warmer, everyone gets a trophy, because we need to bolster their self-esteem. This trend is found throughout Boston's suburbs where every youth sports league you can name gives trophies for participation. "Congratulations for showing up youth sports Sparky, here's your trophy."

The problem, according to a certain self-defined expert, isn't the trophies, it's that evil individualist concept: competition.

''The problem, I think, is not too many trophies, but the idea that kids should be set against one another, so one can succeed only if others fail. A considerable amount of evidence shows that competition in itself undermines kids' interest in whatever it is they're doing, as well as their relationships and their psychological health." (Alfie Kohn, author of "No Contest: The Case Against Competition")

Believe it or not, there are a few diehard rational adults left in academia. Knowing how skeptical our PIGsters are, we offer the following quotes into evidence:

''There is something inherently good about trying to raise kids' feelings about themselves, but there has to be balance. 'We also have to teach kids to be mentally tough, to take criticism, to experience failure, to learn that somebody wins and somebody loses. We have to take teachable moments to reach kids and explain that there are going to be setbacks and losses, and to be able to cope with that." (Leonard Zaichkowsky, a Boston University professor and director of its sport and exercise psychology training program)

"The trophies should go to the winners. Self-esteem does not lead to success in life. Self-discipline and self-control do, and sports can help teach those." (Roy Baumeister, a professor of psychology at Florida State University)

This Bay State youth sports trophy explosion is just the tip of a nationwide self-esteem promoting iceberg. It is merely one minor element of the full frontal assault on that American icon: the rugged individual whose grim determination built this nation.

High Tech Countermeasures
Source: Arizona Capitol Times [02/23/06]

Arizona legicrats are working on a bill that would allow them to employ high tech countermeasures to fight the ongoing border jumping scumbag invasion. The proposed system would deploy an "integrated radar and camera system" like the ones used to secure U.S. installations, ports and certain Israeli settlements. This system is an distinct improvement since it allows the radar to detect movement at or near the border, then uses the camera systems to see who, or what triggered the system. This means that our meager Border Patrol resources won't be diverted by some stray cattle or wildlife that, routinely, trigger existing systems.

Arizona legicrats have two competing proposals that would accomplish this task:

'...One proposal, H2578, sponsored by Rep. Russell Pearce, R-18, would allocate $50 million of state funds to the Department of Emergency and Military Affairs to install ground radar and integrated camera systems along the border with Mexico. Another similar measure presented by Sen. Tim Bee, R-30, recently passed the Senate Appropriations Committee.

Integrated ground radar and camera systems are being used by U.S. Marine Corps at the Barry M. Goldwater Range in southern Arizona, where keeping illegal immigrants from trekking through the bombing range has become a high priority. The Marines' portion of the range, which spans from Yuma to 25 miles east of Gila Bend, is just six miles north the international border. Trespassers in 2004 had caused the loss of 1,250 military training hours, or 50 training days, according to a U.S. House Report...' (Arizona Capitol Times)

The price tag for deploying this system is $50 million dollars. It sounds expensive, but it's probably a drop in the bucket compared to the tax money swallowed up by public services for border jumping scumbags, and the down days on the military training facilities in southern Arizona. PIG News salutes these Arizona legicrats for running these high tech countermeasures up the legicrat flagpole. The sad fact is that Arizona needs to do this by itself, because Vicente W. Bush steadfastly refuses to do his sworn duty to defend our borders from the hostile, invading, scumbag horde.

The Teddy Heckler Saga
Source: PIG News Wire [02/23/06]

"I did it because I know about Kennedy's past. I know what happened at Chappaquiddick. I wanted to send a message to him that my generation still knows about it. We haven't forgotten about it." (Paul Trost)

A self-described 'liberal', Massasoit Community College student Paul Trost, lost his cool when Congressman Stephen Lynch introduced Teddy "The Swimmer" Kennedy as a man "who overcame hardship in his life". When The Swimmer started his blithering, Paul stormed out, pausing at the door to shout "Remember Chappaquiddick!". That stinging rebuke drew gasps from the audience and the undivided attention of Teddy's state police escorts, plus the campus cops.

After his contentious encounter with The Swimmer, Paul was deemed "ignorant" and "an embarrassment to the school" by one of his teachers, but he remains unmoved by these slings and arrows:

"I tend to have what would be considered liberal views, but I go with whatever I think is right. I don't regret what I did. And if they ask me to apologize, I won't do it." (Paul Trost as quoted by World Net Daily)

PIG News gives props to Paul Trost for refusing to "forgive" or "forget" that Teddy Kennedy allowed Mary Jo Kopechne to drown without raising a finger to help. For those PIGsters who whine that we never say anything nice about liberals, be advised that we're willing to give credit where it's due and in that means tipping our hat to a liberal named Paul Trost.

Fort Pierce's Flag Flap
Source: Palm Beach Post [02/18/06]

While attending Bike Nite - a weekly public showcase for motorcycle enthusiasts - in Fort Pierce (Florida), a whining pinhead named Julius Bell was shocked, dismayed and outraged when a band named "Crossbone" dared to, brazenly, display the Confederate Battle Flag at its merchandise table. Faster than warp speed sissy spit, Julius ran whining to the nearest, political hack - City Commissioner Rufus Alexander. In a heartbeat, Commissioner Alexander sent a veiled threat to the dude who hired Crossbone, Bryan Long, a capitalist who owns Yellowtail Grille & Raw Bar. As fun as this sounds, it gets better.

Before Mr. Long got the "knock it off" letter, Fort Pierce Mayor Robert Benson issued a press release that won't thrill Julius Bell or Commissioner Alexander:

"I am advised that the display of a Confederate flag on public property by an individual or organization is an expression of free speech and constitutes a First Amendment right."

That should end the matter, but it didn't. The good news is that, at press time, Crossbone is back on the bandstand, with their Confederate flag in tow. The bad news is that Julius Bell is a "activist" with a whiner cabal called the "St. Lucie Concerned Citizens Committee". He's vowing to mobilize his whiner cabal to do something about this issue. PIG feels your pain, Julius: that pesky First Amendment is a major pain in the butt for chronically offended pinheads like you.

North Carolina News Nuggets
Source: Pig News Correspondent Anthony Scott [02/18/06]

Judge Flips Americans The Bird
Nobody disputes the fact that Francisco Pereyra was drunk as a skunk when the cops pulled him over on suspicion of drunk driving. Nobody disputes the fact that Francisco failed the ensuing breathalyzer test. Judge Richard "Rat Bastard" Chaney can't be bothered with such trivia, because he's too busy worrying about ordering the cops to tell Francisco the thrilling news in Spanish. That's right, PIGsters, this robe-wearing asshat threw out the breathalyzer results because the cops didn't tell Francisco "You're drunk as a skunk" in Spanish:

'...The decision by Durham County District Court Judge Richard Chaney in a case against Francisco Pereyra is the latest in a string of judgments that have dismissed breathalyzer results due to the language barrier. Chaney's judgment on the rights of Spanish speaking DWI offenders went a step further, when he added "If you're talking about someone who speaks Chinese, you have a different issue."...' (US Newswire)

The next time Fernando gets gunned on adult beverage...when he gets behind the wheel and kills somebody, it would be "real" justice if Fernando's victim was Judge Chaney or a member of this judicial pinhead's family. Judge Chaney needs to be dumped like a bad habit because he put Korrectness ahead of public safety. He, virtually, gave the one-finger salute to every American citizen. North Carolina deserves better.

Durham County DA Race Heats Up
When Mike Nifong replaced former Durham County D.A. Jim Hardin - Jim matriculated up the justice system food chain to a judgeship - he already had an item on his "To Do" list: fire county prosecutor Freda Black. Freda's sin? She used her position to cut a deal for her boyfriend when he was charged with violating a court order. Although Freda's antics didn't break any existing laws or office rules, it's the appearance of corruption that counts in this case.

The good news for Mike Nifong is that Freda is gone. The bad news is that he didn't get to fire her: she beat him to the punch by quitting. Determined to have the last word, Mike gave Freda a parting "shot" with a new office rule he named "The Freda Black Rule". It explicitly bans county prosecutors from "having a personal relationship with criminal defendants".

Freda and Mike aren't finished tussling, because both have announced their candidacy for Durham County D.A. in the forthcoming election. Every red-blooded political junkie in the Tar Heel State is eagerly awaiting this election cycle battle between Mike Nifong and Freda Black. PIG News predicts stunning, bar-resetting levels of mud-slinging, in Durham. Big, big fun.

Big Brother Is A Texan?
Source: Houston Chronicle [02/17/06]

Houston's top cop, Police Chief Harold Hurtt, evoked George Orwell when he borrowed a core concept from "1984". Hampered by a shortage of sworn officers and facing a troubling spike in criminal activity, Chief Hurtt served up this Big Brother is watching notion:

'...Police Chief Harold Hurtt called Wednesday for a new type of patrol: surveillance cameras on downtown streets, apartment complexes and shopping malls — and in extreme situations, private homes. "If you're not doing anything wrong, why should you worry about it?" Hurtt told reporters...' (Chronicle)

If enacted, this Big Brother-class edict would mandate that new apartments and malls would be required to install security cameras, every-damn-where, before the owner could bag a building permit. When pressed on the spy cams in private residence issue, Chief Hurtt did Big Brother proud: "If they're putting a burden on the criminal justice system and cheating the other residents of Houston, yes."...' (Chronicle)

If anyone needs to monitored, every damn minute of every single day, it's Harold "Big Brother" Hurtt. If you live in Houston, be afraid, be very afraid, because it's your inalienable liberty that rests in this aspiring tyrant's eager hands.

North Carolina News Briefs
Source: PIG News Correspondent Anthony Scott [02/17/06]

Gotcha 1
North Carolina's highway patrol bagged a murderer, thanks to the killer's failure to heed the adage: cleanliness is next to godliness. Spotting blood stains on the side of Nunding Barteell's ride - plus blood on Nunding's hands and arms - state troopers stopped Nunding then offered him graybar accommodations when he gave them a false name and refused to produce suitable identification. If the blood on the car and Nunding didn't alarm the troopers, the bloody knives in Nundings car certainly did. It didn't take the troopers long to discover that Nunding is wanted for murdering his girlfriend in her Jacksonville (Florida) apartment.

Nunding will have ample time to practice proper hygiene while he waits to be extradited on a murder charge. It's a damn shame Florida retired their quirky electric chair. If anyone deserves a ride on Old Sparky, it's this murdering rat bastard.

Gotcha II
This is a banner week for North Carolina's Highway Patrol. When a state trooper pulled over a 2006 Toyota Camry for a routine traffic stop, they bagged Charles Darryl Dickerson who is wanted on a murder charge in Raleigh. Unless some bleeding heart shyster does a number on the Tar Heel State's justice system, Charles is going to be a guest of the state for a long damn time. Jail 'em, Dano and throw away the damn key.

Murderer Catches A Break
A Federal Judge when gooey and girlie this week when he declared that a convicted triple murderer lacked the requisite functional synapses to grab that "executed by the state" brass ring. Citing Elton McLaughlin's IQ of 70, District Court Judge Terrance Boyle black flagged this murdering rat bastard's long overdue date with the grim reaper.

The fun fact here is that the IQ test cited by the judge didn't meet the requirements set forth by North Carolina law. NC statues insist that such tests be administered by a licensed psychologist or psychiatrist. In this instance, a 10 year old Elton had the test administered by a teacher. Leaving nothing to chance, Elton's shysters whipped out the race card by whining that poor Elton had to take the test from his teacher because the segregated school he attended in the 1960's couldn't afford a psychologist to administer the IQ tests. Sad story, but so what? Why not test Elton now and see if he's grown any functional synapses since he was a mere lad?

PIG News suspects that its NC correspondent, Anthony Scott, isn't the only Tar Heel State denizen who is thrilled spitless that he gets to support a triple murderer like Elton for the rest of his miserable "I'm too dumb to die" life.

The Pious Punchout
Some hormone gorilla's gathered outside a Tar Heel State Toll Booth - Chapel Hill Bible Church - were engaged in what must have been a particularly contentious theological discussion when a fight broke out. Okay, we won't swear on our copy of "Atlas Shrugged" that this fight had anything to do with supernaturalism, but, lacking any other explanation, it's the best we can do. Whatever the case, the cops arrested three hormone gorillas after 15 to 20 of dudes gathered outside the Toll Booth went fist city on each other. To cops ran a hormone gorilla trio in for having knives and inflicting damage on personal property.

Are we the only ones shocked to learn how seriously Tar Heel State hormone gorillas take their theology? Probably, but we can live with that.

Maryland's Top Horndog
Source: Seattle Post-Intelligencer [02/16]

William Donald Schaefer's resume is very impressive - ex Maryland Governor, former mayor of Baltimore and, currently the state's comptroller - but there's one avocation that needs to be added: unabashed horndog. We know this because, during a Board of Public Works meeting in the statehouse, he interrupted the proceedings to gaze with adoration at Governor Robert Ehrlich's especially fetching aide when she walked away after bringing him something to drink:

'...[This 84 years young horndog] summoned her back, as people waiting to testify watched and waited. The aide, looking puzzled, returned to the table, and Schaefer told her, "Walk again," and watched her as she made the second trip to the exit...' (Post-Intelligencer)

When News Nitwits hounded this vintage horndog about it, afterwards, babe bonkers Billy laid down some memorable verbiage: "She's a pretty little girl. The day I don't look at pretty women is the day I die." Billy opined that the object of his horndog attention should be "happy" about his ogling, not "offended". Big, big fun.

Normally, a dude who pulled this crap so blatantly would get a NO NAD bull's-eye pinned to his butt, but babe bonkers Billy is a Donkey Clan hack with more than 51 years swilling at the public trough as Governor, Comptroller and Mayor of Baltimore. Bottom NO NAD Line: He's a horny old goat, but he's our horny old goat. If the NO NADS haven't nailed Billy for his prior, well-documented horndog transgressions, they won't do it this time, either. He's a slam dunk to win re-election this fall.

Afterthoughts
We know what you're thinking and you're right. This career horndog stuff only works for Donkey Clan hacks. Any Elephant Clan horndog who pulled this "pretty little girl" crap would be hounded off the public stage in a New York minute.

County Sheriff Bills Vicente for Illegals
Source: Walla Walla Union-Bulletin [02/15/06]

"I think what the sheriff has done is both creative and effective in drawing attention to the incredible cost being borne by local taxpayers in services to that are not offered as a result of the problems we have for the lack of 'border control'." (U.S. Congressman Greg Walden, R-Ore.)

Tired of forcing Umatilla County (Oregon) tax payers to foot the bill for housing border jumping scumbag graybar guests, Sheriff John Trumbo decided to bill Mexico, instead. Pinning the daily, per inmate cost at $63, Sheriff Trumbo got out his abacus and after a short span of bead clicking, set the price tag for housing 360 graybar dwelling border jumpers at $318,843. A standup guy, Sheriff Trumbo didn't dun Vicente for assorted "medical, dental and transportation" costs incurred. After double-checking his figures, Sheriff Trumbo included the joyous "now due and payable" news in a letter he sent to Mexican President Vicente Fox. Very, very cool.

Any dude who sends a bill to Vicente Fox for services, involuntarily, rendered to Vicente's border jumping scumbag homeboys is aces in our book. Kudos are eagerly conferred on Sheriff John Trumbo.

Uncle Sam Stacks The Deck Against Border Patrol Agents
Source: El Paso Times [02/13]

Given all the crap that's happening on our border with Vicente Fox's special circle of hell, the last thing we need is to have our own government putting border patrol agents on trial. The agents - Jose Alonso Compean and Ignacio Ramos - strayed into the Nanny State bull's-eye when they encountered - and shot in the butt - a drug smuggler named Aldrete Davila. Although this drug smuggling punk escaped back into Mexico, Uncle Sam is determined to nail the border patrol agents for doing their sworn duty. As crappy as this is, it gets much, much worse.

'...The prosecution in the case of two Border Patrol agents who allegedly shot an undocumented immigrant in the buttocks a year ago is seeking to exclude from the jury trial any mention of border violence, in particular the recent standoff in Hudspeth County. The motion, filed by the U.S. Attorney's office last week, asks the judge to instruct the defense not to mention during arguments or witness questioning "the alleged dangerous nature of the border."...' (El Paso Times)

Our border patrol agents are, routinely, attacked - shot at, subjected to other assaults - by border jumping scumbags. Border Patrol agents, routinely, encounter drug smugglers who are protected by heavily armed members of the Mexican military and the defense isn't allowed to mention how dangerous the border has become?

It's infuriating to see our own government going to such great lengths to punish the beleaguered men and women who guard our border. It's bad enough that our own government goes gooey and girlie whenever Vicente Fox frowns, but this legal muzzle that prevents these defendants from bringing up the dangerous conditions on our border with Mexico makes this PIG scribbler go postal.

Afterthoughts
Speaking of the way Uncle Sam blatantly kisses Vicente Fox's butt, did you know that, over the last decade Uncle Sam sent $376,000,000 of your tax dollars to Mexico to pay them for their help in protecting our southern border? In theory, this money pays for their assistance in combating drug smugglers, terrorists, and border jumping scumbags. Talk about pouring money down a rathole! We'd get the same "bang for our buck" if we just set this money on fire.

"This funding program should cease immediately, and the Mexican government needs to be placed on notice that any further incursions by its military or police will not be tolerated. If they have this kind of money to give away, there are better ways to spend it. Mexico cannot control its own military, and it makes no sense to give them better weapons and equipment they can use to attack and threaten our own law-enforcement officers." (T. J. Bonner, leader of the 10,000 member National Border Patrol Council)

Border Jumping Scumbag News Briefs
Source: PIG News Wire [02/10/06]

Phoenix, Arizona
According to an asinine federal law, the Border Patrol checkpoints in the Tucson Sector must be moved, regularly, and cannot be located in the same spot, twice within any 7 day period. In effect, that prevents the Border Patrol from setting up a checkpoint in a prime location twice within 7 days, even when they have certain knowledge that the border jumping scumbags are planning to use that entry corridor.

According to the Arizona Daily Sun, nobody in congress has provided a reasonable explanation for this fixed checkpoint ban in the Tucson Sector, when such checkpoints are allowed elsewhere. Whose side are these Legicrat punks on anyway?

Laredo, Mexas
The feds seized an arms cache near the region of the Mexas-Mexico border that is plagued with unrelenting violence. For the relevant facts, we'll let World Net Daily do the heavy lifting:

'...The feds captured more than 30 homemade bombs, grenade components, assault weapons, silencers, machine gun assembly kits, bulletproof vests, police scanners and cash, Julie Myers, assistant secretary of U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement, said in a statement. Two of the bombs had been completed and others were under assembly, said officials from the task force that involved Immigration and Customs Enforcement, FBI, local authorities and the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives...'

When is Uncle Sam going to wake the hell up and flex some serious, military muscle along our wide-damn-open border with Mexico?

Big Fun In Bubba Country
Source: Arizona Republic [02/08/06]

All things considered, it seems safe to assume that Lonoke, Arkansas is a very fun place. Why? For starters, its mayor got arrested on corruption charges. Equally fun, the police chief is facing a drug-making rap. Completing this fun filled trifecta, the police chief's wife is accused of borrowing hubby's graybar guests to get horizontal and squishy with her.

'... [Mayor Thomas Privett] was charged with misdemeanor theft of services. A State Police affidavit says he used state prisoners to do work at his home, including fixing an air conditioner and hanging Christmas lights. Campbell also is alleged to have had prisoners work at his home...'

'...[Police Chief Jay] Campbell and his wife, Kelly Harrison Campbell, allegedly stole antique jewelry from a home and pawned it. The chief also is accused with the bail bondsmen of taking part in a conspiracy to make methamphetamine and use it to frame someone...'

'Kelly Campbell faces escape-related charges for allegedly taking two inmates out of the jail to have sex with her at ballparks, the chief's office and a hotel...' (Arizona Republic)

Since the rest of the town's 4,300 denizens are, more or less, law abiding, we're guessing that this crime plague in high places has nothing to do with a tainted water supply. These three got into trouble all by themselves, with their eyes wide open.

Tar Heel State News
Source: PIG News Correspondent Anthony Scott [02/04/06]

"I fought the law and the law answered with heavy return fire."
Our North Carolina corresponded filed this report on a Wake County shootout that involved two desperados who, foolishly, decided to test the police marksmanship:

"A new entry into "I fought the law and the law answered with heavy return fire" category are these two numbskulls who were driving drunk, had a flat, were being helped by a fellow driver who noticed that the man was in no condition to drive and that he had a gun...State troopers then gave chase, chase ended in crowded shopping mall whereupon both would-be desperadoes engage local police and state troopers in shoot-out. Score: Bad Guys: 0, Police: 2. Other casualties was an unlucky clerk in a Blockbuster hit by flying glass, a scared Batteries Plus employee who wisely ran out the back of his store when he saw the suspects draw their guns. Quite a scene, the regulars at a coffee shop saw the whole thing."

PIG News is delighted to report that the only serious casualties were incurred by the "two numbskulls". Kudos to Anthony Scott for his excellent report.

Cheating The Death Penalty
Norris Carlton Taylor spent the last 26 years warding off the death penalty he so richly deserved. After 23 years on North Carolina's death row, Norris got the last laugh on Lady Justice when he died of a heart attack. Our resourceful North Carolina correspondent, sums up this murdering scumbag's antics with these well chosen words:

"In the "Justice Denied" category, death row resident of 23 years dies from heart attack..bonus points: supposedly he was a "victim" of child abuse and was mentally challenged..which is probably why he kidnaped three women, raping two of them, kidnaped two men and killed one, and was convicted of killing yet another woman in 1975 in Hampton, Va."

Trying to 'explain' Norris' anti-social outbursts, his shysters tried to get him off death row by whining about his crappy childhood and the fact that he was - allegedly - a few bricks short of a load in the functional synapse department. Yeah, right. If he's such a mental midget, what does that say about the Johnson County authorities who let this murdering bastard escape in 1978?

Principal Hot Hands
Once again, our correspondent does the heavy rhetorical lifting:

"In the "Dumbass School Official" category...School principal charged in indecent liberties case with 17-year-old student. Bonus points: was his local cross cult coven "youth minister"..I bet he was a good one...Bonus to bonus points: officials are trying to determine if there are other victims...Lovely..."

This horndog is headed for richly deserved fate when he reaches the graybar and becomes Bubba's Bitch.

Border Jumping Scumbag News Briefs
Source: PIG News Wire [02/03/06]

Bordering Jumping Scumbag Terrorists?
From time to time, Vicente Fox orders his minions to take some meaningful steps to placate the angry Gringo mob. This week, reacting no doubt to the armed invasion of the USA by members of the Mexican army, Vicente's police punks bagged "four illegal-alien Iraqis trying to sneak across the border into the United States" (World Net Daily). This isn't the first time that border jumping Iraqi scumbags were bagged, uh, south of the border down Mexico way, and it won't be the last. On the other hand, it's important to note that none of the bagged Iraqis have been linked to terrorism, so far.

Unless dumb luck trips them up, it's safe to assume that Osama's terrorist punks are smart enough to avoid our pathetic excuse for border security. If they want in, they'll get in, unfortunately. Given that, it's highly likely, that this week's exercise in "look who we found, Yankee dogs" is just a timely distraction meant to take our minds off those armed incursions by the Mexican army.

Uncle Sam's Cranks Up The Spin Machine
"With the Secure Border Initiative, we made a commitment to implement new tactics throughout the U.S. in order to gain control of our borders. We have seen success in deterring illegal border crossers since 'expedited removal' was implemented throughout the Southwest...Implementing this process along all borders will provide ... agents and officers with an additional tool to protect our nation's boundaries and quickly remove those who entered our country illegally." (Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff)

The number you'll probably hear from Homeland Security touts the 4,750 border jumping scumbags who got kicked out under this program since September 2005. The data that's less likely to be promoted involves who qualifies for this "you're so out of here, Pedro" rapid removal.

'...It applies to aliens who have spent 14 days or less in the United States, and either are caught within 100 miles of the border with Mexico or Canada or arrive by sea and are apprehended within 100 miles of a coastal border area...' (WND)

In other words, if a border jumping scumbag can travel more than 100 miles from the Mexican, Canadian or costal border of the USA, he, she, heshe or it, earns "not so fast, Yankee dog" protection. The scumbag can get the same level of relative immunity anywhere in the USA, including the aforementioned 100 mile buffer zone, if he, she, heshe or it can hang out there for more than 14 days. Okay, so this "Secure Border Initiative" is, by and large, self-serving hot air. I'm willing to live with that, temporarily, because it managed to evict nearly 5,000 scumbags who would still be here, uninvited, otherwise. It's not much - not nearly enough - but I'll take it.

Another Job Only Border Jumpers Will Perform: Spreading Diseases Like TB
"In my opinion, the growth of this (drug resistance) could be considered an epidemic situation." (Eduardo Olivarez, chief administrative officer for the Hidalgo County, Texas, Health Department)

It's called MDR TB [multi-drug resistant tuberculosis] and it's a gift from those border jumping scumbag invaders. World Net Daily shared these thrilling facts:

'...A drug-resistant strain of tuberculosis from Mexico is worrying U.S. health officials. Many Mexicans are using potent, readily available drugs such as telithromycin to treat TB, but they are not meant for the disease. That fact, along with short-term and inconsistent medicine use creates a drug-resistant variety of the life-threatening illness that could spread...'

'...With MDR-TB, a patient's immune system does not respond to basic antibiotics rifampin and isoniazid. The costs to the state are staggering. While a standard TB patient costs some $2,800 for about six to nine months of treatment, an MDR-TB treatment runs about $250,000 for two years...' (WND)

Be sure and add "catching and spreading highly contagious diseases" to your "jobs Amerikans won't do" list, PIGsters.

Another Mexican Military Incursion
Mexas was invaded by Mexican military troops again, but this time a news crew from KFOX-TV was on hand to film the encounter. The newest invasion occurred while a sheriff's deputy showed the news crew where the prior "incursion" had transpired. World Net Daily describes the incident, this way:

'...The deputy and news crew were on the scene Tuesday night to film a segment about last week's incursion, when the law officer noticed more "soldiers" emerge from a clearing on the U.S. side of the border. As the deputy and news crew watched, three soldiers emerged into the clearing before one hurried back into the concealment of brush, KFOX reported. But the deputy pointed out other, larger groups of soldiers engaged in a flanking action against him and the news crew, most probably, the deputy believes, in an attempt to figure out what they were doing.

"They are doing the classic thing, flanking around each side of us and actually coming up into the U.S. and trying to figure out what we are doing; they are looking at us very heavily," said the deputy, who was not identified in the report. At that point KFOX reporter Ben Swann asked, "So I guess it's time to go?" and the deputy answered, "Yeah, it would definitely be time to get out of here."...'

How many more of these "incursions" are we going to tolerate before we do something about it? What's it going to take, one of our law enforcement officers getting killed by these "imaginary" Mexican army punks? If Vicente W. Bush refuses to live up to his oath of office to defend this nation, we need to dump him like a bad habit. We need to replace him with somebody who'll do the goddamn job we're paying him to do. Enough is enough!

Flag Flap in Pender County
A retired Air Force officer, Lt. Colonel Donald Sullivan, is so outraged by Uncle Sam's pathetic response to the on-going border jumping scumbag invasion, that he's flying the stars and stripes upside down. To make his point more potent, his upside down U.S. flag is flying underneath his Confederate flag.

In his own words, Lt. Colonel Sullivan explains:

"Right now the most immediate threat to survival as we know it in this country is illegal immigration. Within the next 20 years, unless we make some drastic changes, we'll destroy this country as we know it. It will be a third-world economy, a third-world military, a third-world government and we'll be just worthless."

Like any rational adult, Lt. Colonel Sullivan has other outstanding "issues" with the Nanny State, but he's smart enough to know that the border jumping scumbag invasion is, by far, the most pressing issue facing our nation.

Fire Chief Is A Gray Bar Guest, But He's Still on City Payroll
Carrboro's fire chief, Rodney Murray is, as far as we know, the only jailbird who is pulling down a nifty $300 dollars a day from the city that's got him in the slammer. After pleading guilty to two counts of "violating a domestic violence order", a week ago, he got busted for the same offense, this week. As fun as this is, it gets better.

Rodney is on medical leave and is set to retire on March 1, 2006. According to certain 'civil attorneys' the city might be saving money by paying this clown while he's slammer slumming. They opine that the cost of litigation would, quite likely, greatly exceed the chief's salary payout. True or not, that's not likely to delight Carrboro's taxpayers as much as it amuses the PIG News staff.

Raleigh Cop Fired For Off-Duty Shooting
Michelle Peele's law enforcement career ended prematurely, this week, when the Raleigh Police Department terminated her 8 year career after a departmental investigation. Michelle's travails started while she was supplementing her income by working as a guard for a local eatery. Spotting a clown trying to steal her ride, Michelle rushed out to confront the dude. When the thief ignored her warnings and started driving off in Michelle's ride, she let fly with a fusillade that rendered Nyles Arrington room temperature. We're willing to go out on that politically incorrect limb and say "good riddance", no matter what the Raleigh P.D. pinheads think about it.

At press time, our roving PIG reporter tells us that Michelle is lawyered up and determined to use the appeals process to get re-instated. PIG News will update you, if/when we get the final answer on this story.

Florida's Horndog Doctor
Source: Sarasota Herald-Tribune [01/25/06]

A Florida gynecologist, Dr. Thomas Thomas, Jr. strayed onto the public health radar when he violated state law by engaging in consensual sex with one of his female patients. Unwilling to let that go unpunished, the relevant Florida Department of Health bureaucrats didn't revoke or suspend Dr. Thomas' medical license, but they did order him - very quietly - to stop seeing female patients. As fun as this sounds, it gets better:

State bureaucrats won't check to see if the Doctor is obeying their edict.

State bureaucrats aren't trying to warn Doctor Thomas' female patients of their order.

The Department of Health has this edict posted on its Web site in two places, but the only way you can find it is by plowing through the index of all its emergency orders.

This stuff is straight out of the Twilight Zone. For starters we have Florida health officials refusing to pull the doctor's license but the bureaucrats impose the same thing when they order a gynecologist not to see female patients. Furthermore, they deem him unsafe at any speed around female patients but don't take any meaningful steps to warn the public that the Doctor's bedside manner crosses the legally defined line for proper doctor-patient interactions. I'm probably supposed to be shocked by all this but I'm not. Why? It's Florida where stuff like this is what passes for normalcy.

Turning Back The Clock In Utah
Source: Salt Lake Tribune [01/25/06]

"The Senate of the United States shall be composed of two Senators from each State [chosen by the legislature thereof,] for six Years; and each Senator shall have one Vote." (Article I, Section 3. of the United States Constitution)

"The senate of the United States shall be composed of two Senators from each State, elected by the people thereof, for six years; and each Senator shall have one Vote." (Seventeenth Amendment of the United States Constitution)

Utah's Elephant Clan state Senators want to turn back the clock and pretend that the Seventeenth Amendment wasn't ratified on April 8, 1913. For reasons of their own, they hope to start a nationwide campaign to repeal the 17th Amendment and return the power to select the state's U.S. Senators to the legislature.

'...Utah Senate President John Valentine said SB156, which would allow legislators to pick Senate candidates, as long as the political parties agreed, has nothing to do with sitting Sens. Orrin Hatch and Bob Bennett. It's an effort to bolster the power of state leaders, who are more equipped to crack down on unfunded programs foisted upon the states by the U.S. Congress, he said. "We know more than voters do," Valentine said. "They don't get the chance to hear all that we do." The legislation would also allow lawmakers to "direct" senators by making requests...' (Tribune)

As I understand it - based on my re-reading of the 'Federalist Papers' - the House is a popularly elected body that represents the people. The Senate - as the founders envisioned it - was a much more seasoned body that gave the states themselves a representative in the national government. The latter is the reason that the founders decided to let the individual state legislatures appoint their U.S. Senators instead of leaving it up to the mercurial passions of the voting public. That, I'm guessing, is what Utah's Elephant Clan legicrats are trying to restore with their SB1516. The fun fact here is that, even if it passes, it still violates the clauses contained in the 17th Amendment.

Thrilling Inkorrectness in Tennessee
Source: Pig News Wire [01/23/06]

Gallatin (Tennessee) denizens must be thrilled spitless that 66-year young Don Wright is their mayor. On the off chance they're not, PIG is thrilled enough for everyone. Don strayed onto our radar when we spotted a Nashville boob tube report about our man Don being ordered to attend sensitivity training. And why, you ask, is Don headed for this Korrectnik hell? According to an e-mail to the city attorney from a female city hall employee, Don - after admiring her bountiful sweater puppies - asked her "Do you have implants...?"

Although Don is, by any objective measure, old enough to know better, PIG still finds such blatant inkorrectness very refreshing. It's nice to know that Gallatin's venerable mayor still has rampaging hormones. For asking a question that we all wanted to ask - at least once in our lives - but never did, Don Wright earns our heartfelt turbo kudos. Don, dude, you are the man!

Enticing Mother Nature In Mexas
Source: PIG News Wire [01/22/06]

Mother Nature has been especially stingy with her rain showers, leaving parts of Mexas parched. Willing to go the extra mile to get Mother Nature's attention, members of the Rahr family - they're the owners of Rahr & Sons Brewing - decided to do something about the parched conditions that make life miserable:

'...They invited the public to Rahr & Sons Brewing, their microbrewery south of downtown Fort Worth, for a rain drumming party in hopes of shaking up the sky. A rain ritual, of sorts. Shortly after 2 p.m., about 200 people stood outside with a beer in one hand and an instrument (coffee cans, bean pots and tambourines) in the other. For a solid 10 minutes, the crowd banged on things, shook rains sticks, whooped and whistled...' (Fort Worth Star-Telegram)

Did it work? Yes, and no. The day of the 'give us a break, Mother Nature' festivities, it rained for the first time in 30 days, but the sprinkles - .25 inches total - weren't enough to erase the fact that the area is 10-20 inches below normal, rainfall wise.

We know what you're thinking and shame on you. Yes, we're aware that this stunt gave these brewskie capitalists some badly needed publicity. But, did you stop to consider the possibility that Mother Nature might be fond of the occasional brewkie? Maybe she'll be amused enough by these noisy antics to give the Rahr family the rain they're seeking. Don't knock it until you've tried it.

Amerikan News Briefs
Source: PIG News Wire [01/14/06]

Vermont
District Judge Edward Cashman - the robe-wearing pinhead who gave a pervert 60 days in the slammer for molesting a grade school aged girl over a 4 year period - continues to generate anger among the state's rational adults. The good news is that Vermont Governor Jim Douglas has received more than 20,000 e-mails, phone calls and letters demanding Cashman's removal from the bench. The bad news is that there's no easy way to get rid of this judicial punk. Here are the pathetic facts:

Impeachment sets the bar impossibly high.

The earliest he could be removed, barring a successful impeachment, is next year when he faces a retention hearing. Since judges are appointed by the governor, they are subjected to retention hearings every 6 years.

This robe-wearing cretin has already stated that he has no intention of resigning.

If, as seems likely, this pervert is turned loose on Vermont's children in less than 2 months, he will continue his perverted ways and molest another girl. When that happens, you can bet the proverbial agricultural endeavor that outraged Vermont citizens will hunt this pervert down and administer their own brand of justice. If some vigilantes do what's necessary with the pervert, they might as well show Judge Cashman their heartfelt appreciation with an old fashioned necktie party.

[Official Disclaimer: The Politically Incorrect does not condone vigilantism or unprovoked violence. On the other hand, this pagan scribbler is your basic "an eye for an eye" son-of-a-bitch who has no problem contemplating stringing up the pervert and this judicial scumbag.]

Colorado
PIG hero emeritus, Congressman Tom Tancredo, is suffering the inevitable consequences of his courageous stand on illegal immigration. Egged on by Tancredo's arch Oval Office dwelling enemy - Vicente W. Bush - certain border jumping scumbag hiring capitalists are working tirelessly to dry up Tancredo's campaign coffers. This political contribution tally tells you all you need to know about how effective Congressman Tancredo is becoming in his battle to secure our nation's borders:

'...Federal campaign records show that Tancredo received about $385,000 in contributions in 2005 and only $9,926 came from businesses and political action committees, or about 2.6 percent of the total. In 2004, before he became widely known as a national champion for immigration enforcement, Tancredo raised nearly $983,000, including $92,256 from PACs and businesses...' (Rocky Mountain News)

Once again, Tom Trancredo is ahead of the political curve. While other political hacks are getting nailed for taking bribes - uh, campaign contributions from those deep, influence buying pockets - Tom Tancredo is collecting the lion's share of his political contributions from John and Jane Q. Citizen. Bold New Concept.

North Carolina
The rational adults working at Halifax Community College had Ted Gasper, Jr.'s number the instant he became the school's president in 1998. Predictably, it took Halifax Community College trustees until September 2005 to figure it out, but they didn't pull the trigger on firing Teddy boy until this week. And what, you wonder, makes Teddy so, uh, beloved by his Ivory Tower minions? As usual, PIG News is armed with some answers:

First and foremost Teddy used his presidential powers to purge anyone who didn't kiss his ring. According to Raleigh's News & Observer, Ted, "abused the college's use of one-year and short-term contracts by refusing to offer new contracts to those who did not support him".

'...[Ted's] former secretary also gave the state hundreds of pages of documents and accused him of financial and ethical lapses. A state audit, released in October, found that Gasper needed to account for more than $15,000 in questionable reimbursements and fringe benefits. It also raised questions about whether he fully informed trustees about changes in his contract that effectively guaranteed him a $375,000 buyout if he was fired without cause...' (News & Observer)

No doubt, those Halifax Community College employees who managed, somehow, to survive Ted's tyranny aren't losing any sleep over his firing. Hopefully, the Ivory Tower's trustees will make a better selection, this time...but don't bet the farm on it.

Hypocrite of The Week
Source: PIG News Wire [01/14/06]

Calling Tubby Teddy a hypocrite is, we admit, a lot like calling water "wet". We know it's self-evident, but in this case, it's worth mentioning. For a change, we'll let News Max do the heavy lifting on Teddy's bellowing blowhard hypocrisy:

'...When Ted Kennedy tried to chastise Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito for his one-time membership in a group opposed to admitting more woman and minorities to Princeton, the pot was calling the kettle black: Sen. Kennedy still belongs to a social club for Harvard students and alumni that was thrown off campus nearly 20 years ago after refusing to allow female members, an investigation by the Washington Times reveals. According to the membership directory of the Owl Club, Kennedy updated his personal information as recently as September 7. Ironically, the Owl Club, long reviled at Harvard as "sexist,” was evicted from the campus in 1984 for violating federal anti-discrimination laws authored by Kennedy...'

Predictably, Teddy and his spokesholes are trying to "spin" this Owl Club thing, but nobody is buying it. Proving that he knows he's nailed, Teddy is frantically, issuing press releases promising that he's resigning from the Owl Club, ASAP. Nice try Teddy, but PIG already painted a bull's-eye on your ample butt as our Panty Wearing Hypocrite of the Week.

[PIG's perpetrators apologize to those readers who are rendered temporarily blind by the mental image of Tubby Teddy in panties.]

Amerikan News Briefs
Source: PIG News Wire [01/12/06]

Binghamton (New York)
When Binghamton cops found a dude catching a few z's next to the interstate, they woke him then asked for his name. It's safe to assume that they were a tad thrilled when he responded "Harley Davidson". After the cops warned "Harley" that lying about his name is illegal, our differently-rational hero still insisted that he's really "Harley Davidson".

Cops got the big picture on our hero's antics the instant they found some crack in his pants pocket. That's when they decided to offer "Harley" - 38-year-old Jeffrey Craig - civic accommodations for giving a false name and criminal possession of a banned substance. Book 'em, Dano.

Bangor (Maine)
All the traffic courts in Maine where running like clockwork, until Maine's Traffic Violations Bureau in Lewiston installed their new, improved computer system last March. In a heartbeat, the smooth running traffic courts careened into computer chaos hell, forcing the state to make some hard choices. Eventually, the Lewiston traffic bureaucrats pulled their heads out of their butts, but, by then, the damage was done. Now, it's time to resolve certain outstanding traffic court issues:

'...During February and March, about 14,000 motor vehicle violation cases are scheduled to be heard in the state's 31 District Courts. The cases are a result of a 10-month backlog of contested traffic tickets. The busiest District Courts in the state, including the ones in Bangor, Belfast, Ellsworth, Lewiston and Portland, have scheduled "blitz days" when 200 cases are scheduled to be dealt with in one day. "Blitz days" in Bangor and Ellsworth will be held in the Penobscot and Hancock county courthouses, respectively, to accommodate the large number of people expected...' (Bangor Daily News)

The task is daunting for some courts: Portland needs to resolve 3,600 cases in 21 days; Biddeford must clear out 2,600 cases in 12 days. File this epic in your "terrors of technology" archives.

Boston (Massachusetts)
When the border jumping scumbag coddlers in the state legislature tried to reward the border jumping scum with "in state tuition" at state colleges, a group of Bay State legicrats marshaled their forces to defeat the bill, handily. The vote wasn't even close, with rational adults posting a nifty 96-57 margin. Am I the only one who is shocked that there are 96 rational adults in Massachusetts' legislature? Probably, but I can live with that.

Nassau (New York)
During her successful campaign to become Nassau's District Attorney, Kathleen Rice vowed that she would base all her hiring decisions on merit. Fast forward to the present and DA Rice is getting nailed with accusations of nepotism, after she hired her sister-in-law - Cheryl Rice - as her executive assistant. Pulling down a hefty $95,000 a year - at least $5,000 a year more than the old DA's assistant - Cheryl gets an instant $30,000 a year raise from her old job as campus coordinator and events director at Suffolk Community College.

When challenged on this hiring decision, DA Rice dispatched her spokespunk to face a hostile media. Eric Phillips mustered heretofore undisclosed acting ability when he proclaimed, with a straight face, that Cheryl is a steal at $95,000 a year. In fact, she's so vastly over-qualified she's the Tiger Woods of executive assistants. Yeah, right, dude, now tell me the one about the Easter Bunny.

North Carolina News Roundup
Source: PIG News Correspondent Anthony Scott [01/07/06]

Sorry, But You're Too Late
Despite the fact that two North Carolina prosecutors played fast and loose with the rules of the justice system game during a 1996 murder trial, the State Bar shot down requests from defense lawyers to nail the DAs for "lying, cheating and withholding evidence". The State Bar didn't dispute the charge that Kenneth Honeycutt and Scott Brewer screwed over the defendant, Jonathon Hoffman, but they can't do anything about it because the time limit for filing a complaint ran out.

For those who obsess on such trivia, here are the prosecutor ethics Cliff Notes:

The prosecutors cut an immunity deal with the defendant's cousin, Johnell Porter, saving Johnell from state and federal prosecutions.

The prosecutors hid their deal with Johnell from the jury, Jonathon Hoffman's attorneys and the trial judge.

They altered documents to hide the immunity deal before submitting material to the judge.

What, you asked happened to these differently-ethical prosecutors? Kenneth Honeycutt is in private practice. His cohort, Scott Brewer scrambled up the justice system ladder to serve as a District Judge in Richmond County. That's right, PIGsters, they got away with it.

One Punk Crime Wave
Lamont Medlin made life thrilling for Cary's P.D. when he staged his one punk crime spree. Here are the highlights of his differently-legal antics:

He stole a PT Cruiser
He ran into a woman in a parking lot, then jumped out and stole her purse.
He took off in his stolen ride again, with the Cary cops in hot pursuit.
He side-swiped a car, ran into a second one, then decided to exit his stolen ride before it did a header into a guardrail.
He led the cops on a foot chase that ended when the cops cornered him on the roof of a hotel.
Tragically, he didn't make life simple for the cops by jumping off the roof.

Lamont - "Crash" to his pals - is in the graybar facing a laundry list of charges that include "felony hit and run", "possession of a stolen ride", plus assorted other, unspecified, charges. He's also a prime suspect in a series of robberies. Book 'em, Dano and throw away the key.

Raleigh's Parking Punks
When Lloyd Stone emerged from a tasty meal in a downtown Raleigh eatery, he was far from thrilled to find two parking tickets on his ride. Although both tickets cited him for parking more than 12 inches from the curb, one put his infraction at 3 inches over the limit, while the second ticket put it at 6 inches over the limit. Petty? Oh hell yes.

Raleigh's Mayor, Charles Meeker, is making noises about doing away with these pathetically picky tickets because they're bad for downtown business. That's thrilling, no doubt, but too little and way to late to help Lloyd Stone who was paying his first - and last, no doubt - visit to Raleigh's City Market.

All Dressed Up
Winston-Salem's Forsyth Correctional Center is re-thinking its inmate dress code. The change reached critical mass after an escape by an inmate who dressed up in spiffy street clothes while attending a chapel service. After paying his respects to Old Ka-Boom, the inmate strolled right out of the Correctional Center and made it all the way to Georgia before the long arm of the law caught up with him.

Thanks to this wandering inmate's antics, the new dress code requires that, henceforth, inmates must wear "state-issued prison uniforms during chapel services". It only takes one clown to ruin things for everybody.

Newsworthy Amerikan Tidbits
Source: PIG News Wire [01/06/06]

Carrollton (Ohio)
Everything seemed to be going Gary Minor's way, after he won his election to Carrollton's Village Council, last November. That all changed when someone - for reasons we'd like to know - questioned Gary's residency and discovered that Gary's abode is 30 feet outside the village boundary. That's news to Gary who insists that he checked with the relevant bureaucrats when he built his home in 1997. The board of elections assured him that he should vote in the village, an assessment that seemed right, based on the tax bills he got from the village.

The factoid that tripped up Gary - and various job for life bureaucrats - is this: he owns two adjacent lots. The empty lot is in the village; the lot where he built his domicile is in Center Township. "D'oh" while appropriate, doesn't begin to express Gary's attitude.

PIG News is left with the burning, unanswered, question: Who ratted out Gary and why?

Jefferson City (Missouri)
A Show Me state legicrat has an idea that should outrage every red-blooded brewskie lover. State Senator Bill Alter authored a bill in the state legislature that would make it a crime for convenience and grocery stores to sell beer that's colder than 60 degrees. He claims that this would decrease the incidents of drunk driving, because everyone knows that nobody will swill a warm beer. Besides, he demands, who really needs to buy a cold brewskie? The answer to that one is obvious: people going out for a picnic; people going to a party; somebody making an emergency brewskie run for a social gathering.

Raleigh (North Carolina)
Wanting some retribution for the rape and murder of their daughter, Stephanie Bennett's parents are understandably pissed. Why? The accused killer took the easy way out by hanging himself in his prison cell, before they could watch him squirm at a trial.

"We were hoping for the death penalty. We got the death penalty. The only thing is he was able to seal his own fate. He had control over things." (Stephanie's father, Carmon Bennett)

The room temperature killer, Drew Platen, was nailed big time when the cops matched his DNA from the crime scene and found the murder weapon in his digs. He's also implicated in at least two similar murders in Michigan. As annoying as his suicide is to the victims' parents, PIG News suspects that the inevitable decades of death penalty appeals would be much more stressful on Mr. Bennett. This murdering rat bastard is dead and that's good enough for us.

Montgomery Owes Sex Store Big Bucks
Source: Montgomery Advertiser (Alabama) [01/04]

In September 2004, Montgomery (Alabama) bureaucrats closed the X-Mart Adult Supercenter, because it didn't have the relevant business license. When the sex store's corporate owners, ATM Express, tried to procure the aforementioned license, city officials waltzed them around, until July 2005 when a federal judge ordered the city to grant the sex store a business license. Big fun, but it gets better.

ATM Express wants Montgomery to pay them $500,000 from the city's coffers, claiming that's the amount of business they lost during their involuntary 275 day shutdown. The city is dithering again, offering to study the store's sales for the 275 days since it reopened. They'll pay - maybe - that amount, probably, eventually, unless somebody can come up with a new way to screw the sex store capitalists.

Off Duty Fun Ends Police Wench's Career
Source: St. Petersburg Times [01/04]

The spoilsports running the Largo (Florida) P.D. went 'you're out of here, Sarge' postal after some Largo P.D. officers got a tad carried away at a birthday celebration in a local adult beverage emporium. The relevant festivities were convened in the Green Iguana bar to celebrate Office Melinda DeKyle's 30th birthday. After ingesting a sufficient quantity of the aforementioned adult beverages, Officer DeKyle sprayed her superior, Sgt. Joan Short, with chocolate-flavored whip cream, then licked the tasty treat off Sgt. Short's upper chest. The fact that Officer De Kyle performed this feat twice during the night sealed one officer's fate.

We know what you're thinking, but terminally frisky Melinda only got a suspension. It's Sgt. Short who was terminated after 23 years on the force. Her primary sin is "jeopardizing public confidence in the department" but the firing resulted from the fact that Sgt. Short has a track record of insubordination and various other disciplinary infractions.

We hear those wheels turning, horndog Sparky, but we've got no joy in the "visuals" department. This Land of Hanging Chads fishwrap perpetrated egregiously shoddy reporting since they neglected certain essentials. That's right, it's learn to live with your profound disappointment time, PIGsters, because this fishwrap didn't include photos of either badge-packing babe. As usual, we feel your pain.

Effective January 1, 2006, Old Dominion denizens who want access to Medicaid, welfare, and other taxpayer funded goodies need to furnish a valid Social Security number. For a snapshot of the two sides of this issue, PIG News offers the following quotes for your thoughtful consideration:

Delegate David Albo, the state Legicrat who sponsored this bill:

"A lot of us were saying, instead of raising taxes, why don't we start prioritizing where we're spending our existing money. One of the things we found out was the state was not checking for legal presence for Medicaid."

" [Due to a 2004 bill he sponsored denying driver's licenses to illegals] In the first year, 187,000 people were turned away from the Virginia Department of Motor Vehicles. To me, the same arguments that presented themselves for the DMV driver's license debate are here in the public benefits debate." (Daily Press)

A border jumping scumbag coddler named Walter Tejada, chairpunk of the Virginia Latino Advisory Commission, spouted this drivel:

"We had someone from Virginia Beach call alarmed that this means she can no longer take her kids to school. There's an educational process that's needed. It's the fear, the fear factor that some people enjoy creating. There's an anti-immigrant sentiment and it's clearly shown in these initiatives."

"The proponents of this law could never cite specific figures of exactly how much (money) it is that immigrants are draining out of the system. It's a lot of hot air." (Daily Press)

Walter needs to do better than that, if he expects PIG News to salute that twaddle. The savings don't exist because the bill's sponsors can't pinpoint the savings down to the last penny? It's anti-immigrant to demand that taxpayer funded services go to legal residents of the state? Bite me, you Colonista son-of-a-bitch.

Tar Hell State News
Source: PIG News NC Correspondent Anthony Scott [12/30]

Cleveland County (NC)
A government cess school teacher in Crest High School had a very close call when he came 'thisclose' to drinking some water that was laced with Ecstasy. The doctored water was, allegedly, a student prank that almost worked, but for a warning from another student. At press time, two 9th graders are on a 10 day suspension while school officials wait for test results on the water.

Raleigh (NC)
Two teenage punks got a nasty shock when they tried to rob Damian Powell at gun point. When they flashed their shootin' iron, and demanded Damian's money, their victim quickly turned the tables on them. Knocking the gun from the punk's hand, Damian ran to his ride, liberated his own shootin' iron then, traded hot lead with the punks, wounding one of them.

The two punks took off like scalded dogs but the cops nabbed them when the wounded punk, Cesar Solorzano, showed up at an emergency room with a gunshot wound. Cesar and his homeboy, Antoine Sanders, are graybar guest facing charges of 'attempted robbery with a dangerous weapon'.

Durham (NC)
Durham cops responded to a tip that a perp who was wanted concerning a shooting death was holed up in a local hotel. Leaving nothing to chance, the cops dispatched an armored car and their special tactics squad to bag the bad guy. The tense siege lasted for more than three nail-biting hours until, belatedly, the men in blue ended it with a flash grenade barrage. When they got into the hotel room in question it was empty.

Cary (NC)
The anticipated drug bust didn't got exactly as planned when the two men under surveillance didn't deliver the 10.5 pounds of pot as expected. After the two suspects didn't act according to the cops' plan, the men in blue gave chase and finally bagged them for "conspiracy to traffic marijuana". So far, so good.

One dude was easily identified, but his partner in crime steadfastly refuses to give his name. Since his fingerprints aren't on file, the local authorities are left scratching their heads. What to do? Cary P.D. Captain Dave Wulff offers this stop the presses quote: "It'd make things a lot easier if he told us who he was. You do have to tell us who you are." Yeah, right dude, but your John Doe didn't get the memo on that dose of public safety wisdom.

Roanoke Rapids (NC)
Former Congressman Frank Ballance made his first - and only - term in office so memorable he quit before his term was completed. Frank blamed his untimely departure from office on his health, but others think his exit was motivated by his differently-ethical antics:

'... [Frankie] was sentenced to prison in October after pleading guilty to funneling tax dollars into the nonprofit John A. Hyman Memorial Foundation he operated to help poor people fight drug and alcohol abuse and to using $100,000 for himself and his family...' (AP)

Unwilling to accept the blame for his own actions, Frank spewed this pitiful prose, instead: "I've accepted the situation that I'm in, the fact that a judge decided that I need to have a four-year sentence when under all the facts that was not indicated nor deserved, but you just accept that and move on" (AP). Yeah right, dude, you're a victim of blind justice...NOT. Grow a pair Frank and admit that you screwed up and got caught with your hand in the taxpayers' pocket.

Anchor Babies In The Bull's-Eye
Source: News Max [12/26]

"Most Americans feel it doesn't make any sense for people to come into the country illegally, give birth and have a new U.S. citizen. But the advocates for illegal immigrants will make a fuss; they'll claim you're punishing the children, and I suspect the leadership doesn't want to deal with that." (Ira Mehlman of the Federation of American Immigration Reform)

"Any issue that has a 'damn right' response, you can go with. You ask if we should stop illegal immigrants from coming onto this country and having a baby here who is an American citizen, and most people say, 'Damn right."' (PIG Hero Emeritus, Congressman Tom Tancredo)

A Georgia Congressman, Nathan Deal, stirred up a political hornet's nest when, together with at least 70 congressional co-sponsors, he tried to add a complete revocation of the 14th Amendment's "birthright citizenship" to the immigration bill that the house passed in mid-December. Unwilling to go there, Elephant Clan congressional leaders pulled it from the bill they passed, but the efforts to deny citizenship to babies popped by border jumping scumbags are just getting started.

Nobody expects this anchor baby ban to get anywhere, in the short run. Nonetheless, the idea is alarming enough to the usual suspects that it has them gearing up to vilify anyone who thinks American citizenship should mean something as bed-sheet and hood wearing racists. If, as they claim, this idea is "extreme", "wacko", "far fetched", "probably unconstitutional" and hasn't got a snowball's chance in hell, why are these border jumping scumbag coddlers acting so worried about it? Maybe they understand that legal Amerikan residents are up to here with this border jumping scumbag invasion. Maybe the Colonista pinheads are alarmed that, from sea to shining sea, rational adults are saying "Enough is enough. Stop this border jumping invasion, right damn now, or we'll do it ourselves."

PIG News sees nothing extreme, or racist, about denying citizenship to some infant whose only claim on Uncle Sam is the fact that his, her, hisher or its parents invaded the USA, un-damn-invited, for the sole purpose of having an anchor baby here. It's goddamn asinine to let them keep getting away with this crap and that's a fact.

Bar Fight of The Week
Source: PIG News Wire [12/23]

While lurking in a Detroit adult beverage emporium, city councilwench-elect, Monica Conyers - she's the battling bride of Congresspunk John Conyers - got into a public punchout with another female bar patron. Nobody disputes that Ms. Conyers punched a woman's lights out, but, her claim of self-defense is hotly debated.

Conyers Story:

While minding her own business, Conyers was verbally assaulted by Rebecca Mews who "came over and literally started spewing obscene names". When, according to Ms. Conyers, Ms. Mews shoved her, Conyers decked her.

Mews Story:

'...when Conyers began speaking to her date with her back to her, she tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Pardon me. She turned around and began yelling at me," Mews said. "When I began yelling back at her, she punches me in my left eye several times," Mews said. "I never struck her. Never once did I hit her."..' (AP)

The truth probably lies somewhere in between. Ms. Conyers started chatting up Rebecca's date. Rebecca didn't like the looks of it so she went to break it up. Words were exchanged, and a cat fight ensued, resulting in a shiner for Rebecca and bad publicity for councilwench-elect Conyers.

Afterthoughts:
Given the Motor City's financial woes, they could put a sizeable dent in their debt load by staging a pay-per-view rematch between these battled wenches. It's a surefire ratings winner, because everybody enjoys a cat fight.

Standing Orders
Source: World Net Daily [12/19]

In addition to the border jumping scumbag invaders, our undefended southern border is also violated by Vicente Fox's drug running countrymen. As thrilling as that is, the drug runners, routinely, use Mexican military units to provide an armed and dangerous security service.

World Net Daily shares these stop the presses facts:

'...[confrontations between U.S. Border Patrol Agents and drug running Mexican Military units] have become so routine the U.S. Department of Homeland Security has issued written orders that agents carry with them regarding "what to do" if confronted by Mexican military units, many of which are in the employ of Mexico's powerful drug cartels.

According to the "Military Incursion" cards, "Mexican military are trained to escape, evade and counter-ambush if it will affect their escape." Therefore, the card says, Border Patrol agents should follow recommended procedures in case they encounter armed Mexican military units.

The paper said the cards also instruct agents to hide from Mexican military operating in their areas. Rather than engage in contact, agents are ordered to "Avoid it." One Arizona agent described the units to the paper, saying they "are active Mexican military that have sold out to the cartels."...'

Don't hold your breath waiting for Vicente W. Bush to mention this front on the war to defend Amerika from its sworn enemies during any of the fireside chats he's using to rebuild his approval rating. It's never going to happen because, quite frankly, President Vicente W. Bush doesn't give a flaming damn about defending the integrity of our nation's borders. If he's that determined to live in Spanish-speaking squalor, he should resign and move to goddamn Mexico.

Unlikely Heroine
Source: Asbury Park Press (Jersey) [12/17]

Tuckered out after a hard night's work, Sabrina Nesci saw the car slam into a concrete median then catch fire. Reacting immediately, she pulled over, then rushed across a busy highway to the driver's rescue, an effort that was seconded by two good Samaritans. Helping drag the injured driver free from the car, Sabrina who is a towering 4-11, was just getting started. Assisted by the two Samaritans, she helped lug the injured driver to safety while she dodged oncoming traffic and crossed the busy Garden State Parkway.

And what, you ask makes Sabrina an unlikely heroine? Oh, did we mention that this courageous pixie works as an exotic dancer in a Tom's River booty parlor? PIG News is willing to go out on a limb and state that Sabrina is a woman with the "right stuff" in more ways than one. Kudos Sabrina...You're our kind of gal.

Catch-22 In D.C.
Source: PIG News Wire [12/17]

The D.C. Court of Appeals nailed the District denizens with a coming and going gotcha that makes Catch-22 look like kid stuff. The fun started several years ago when the District officials installed some strategically placed red-light cameras at key intersections. One camera alone was ringing up an enriching $10,000 in fines a day ($1,500,000 in six months). Ka-Ching! There's just one teensy problem: the cameras nailed an estimated 20,000 (District officials admit to 13,000) law-abiding drivers along with the lead-footed ones. Eventually, District officials did the right thing and took the cameras down. Big, fun, but it gets better.

A lawyer named Daniel Wemhoff decided to help the plundered drivers - and himself no doubt - by nailing the city with a class-action lawsuit. When a lower court shot him down because he didn't have the names of the victimized drivers, Daniel filed a Freedom of Information Request to force the city to turn over the names of the drivers who had been victimized. That request propelled Daniel into the Judicial Twilight Zone where a three judge court of the appeals panel ruled that giving Mr. Wemhoff the names would violate people's privacy.

Let's take second look at this ruling, just for fun. Daniel can't file a class action suit because he hasn't got the victims names. But, he can't get the victims' names because that would violate the privacy of the drivers the city ripped off. Eat your heart out Catch-22.

Politically Incorrect Billboard of the Year
Source: A Tip From our NC Correspondent, Anthony Scott [12/16]

Amanda Bowen and the other rational adults in the Coalition for a Secure Driver's License put Mecca Maniac panties in a wad with a billboard campaign that warns of the dangers of giving a driver's license to any-damn-body who shows up at the Tar Heel State's motor vehicles office. The billboard is so spiffy it's in the running for politically incorrect ad of the year:

'...The photo on the billboard shows a man shrouded in a traditional Arab head scarf clutching a grenade and a North Carolina driver's license...' (NBC)

A wench from the Arab American Institute, Christine Saah Nazer, had a complete hissy fit over the billboard, spouting drivel about the ad painting a picture of Arabs in general, and Mecca Maniacs in particular, as a 'dangerous and violent people'. Just because Mecca Maniacs behead Christian school girls for sport in Indonesia...Just because a peace loving Mecca Maniac killed Dutch film maker Theo Van Gogh because he didn't like Theo's attitude about Islam...Just because Mecca Maniacs the world over scream Jihad and start spewing death threats whenever they disagree with something doesn't mean they're "a dangerous and violent" people. Yeah, right, darlin', now tell me the one about the Easter Bunny.

Delusional enough to believe that her wounded feelings repeal Amanda Bowen's inherent right to free speech, Christine is sacrificing liberty on the altar of "that might offend somebody". As bad as that is, it gets worse: the pinheads in North Carolina's Department of Transportation shouted a rousing "Amen" when they vilified the billboard as "offensive".

If you live in North Carolina, it's time to put down that brewskie and start cleaning the whining wingnuts out of the state's bureaucracy before it's too damn late.

Courtroom Capers
Source: PIG News Wire [12/15]

Mexifornia
The bone of contention: '...University of California board of regents knowingly violated a federal law enacted in 1996 that says any state that offers discounted in-state tuition to its illegal aliens must provide the same lower rates to all U.S. citizens...' (Washington Times)

The aggrieved party: 42 University of California students from 19 states who paid the U.C. System's out of state tuition while border jumping scumbags got a special in state rate.

The Devilish Details: U.C. officials know they're breaking federal law, so they arm-twisted Mexifornia's Marxist legicrats into passing a law that gives them 'no refunds necessary' immunity when their antics are declared illegal, unconstitutional, or both.

The likely outcome: The issue hangs in the balance, but the one sure thing is that no matter which side prevails, Mexifornia's legal, taxpaying residents are the ultimate losers.

Springfield, Illinois
The bone of contention: A $10,000,000,000 class-action lawsuit against Philip Morris USA.

The aggrieved party: Smokers who claim that Philip Morris lied when it claimed "light" smokes are healthier than regular smokes.

The Devilish Details: The Federal Trade Commission specifically authorized tobacco companies to label their smokes "low tar" and/or "light".

The outcome: The Illinois Supreme Court threw out the class action lawsuit and ordered the lower courts to dismiss the suit. "If the FTC has specifically authorized the use of the terms .... PM USA (Philip Morris) may not be held liable under the Consumer Fraud Act, even if the terms might be deemed false, deceptive or misleading," (Justine Rita Garman, writing for the majority as quoted in the Seattle Times)

Not Exactly A Snowman
Source: Times Herald-Record (Middletown, N.Y.) [12/14]

There are numerous plausible reasons that explain why Jessica Sherer constructed a giant, anatomically-correct snow wang on her boyfriend's front lawn. Curiously, the only ones deemed suitable for this Empire State fishwrap are these:

'...phallic displays were central to Viking winter solstice celebrations of fertility and rebirth...'

'...phallic rituals were as much a part of the Hopi Indian winter festivals as the Hawk dance....' (Times Herald-Record)

Since Jessica is neither a Viking, nor a Hopi, we can dispense with such cultural trivia and move on the to main event. The fun started when the New Windsor cops responded to a call about an "offensive" display on the front lawn of a home around the corner from - gasp - New Windsor Elementary School. Since nobody was home, these badge-packing Philistines desecrated Jessica's 6 -foot tall wang shrine by beating it down with shovels. Shocking, utterly shocking!

This desecration is doubly offensive since, under the town's laws, snow sculptures in the shape of a giant wang are street legal. We're delighted to report that, undeterred by this criminal police abuse of her artwork, Jessica plans to rebuild her snow wang, at her earliest convenience.

The Infamous Coffee Aroma Caper
Source: Seattle Times [12/14]

The job for life bureaucrats - every damn one a Great Northwestern Nitwit - at the Puget Sound Clean Air Agency are so anal about their task they actually declared the aromas wafting up from coffee bean roasters to be a pollutant. How can the coffee swilling capitol of Amerika be so hypocritical that it declares one of the greatest aromas on the plant - roasting coffee beans - to be noxious? We don't know, but it's a fact.

The bureaucrats require all coffee wranglers who roast more than 10 pounds of beans at a time to buy an afterburner. We know what you're thinking and this has nothing to do with a flame-throwing jet engine. This bureaucrat-mandated goodie is a heater that burns up the coffee roaster's smoke and aromas. Oh, did I mention that it will set the coffee wrangler back a spiffy $15,000 when you factor in installation, fuel and the gizmo itself.

Given the overwhelming number of leftist pinheads infesting this rain-soaked outpost of Northwest Nitwithood, this scribbler is hard pressed to give a damn about this self-inflicted wound. The lefties put these aroma-phobic pinheads in a position of power, so they deserve the utterly predictable lunacy that ensues.

A Well Duh Epic
Source: Stamford Advocate (Connecticut) [12/11]

Today's "Well, duh" winner is the state of Connecticut. In a move calculated to save thousands of taxpayer dollars, Governor Jodi Rell asked state employees to start using the phone book or free, on-line phone directories when they need to find a phone number. How does this save money? Get a grip, Sparky. Every time you dial 411 the phone company rewards you by charging you for that call.

The most alarming element in this story isn't the fact that Connecticut's job for life bureaucrats didn't have the good sense to check the phone book or the Internet. The real shocker is that some rational adult slipped through the Nanny State's defenses and got close enough to Connecticut's governor to plant this notion in her brain. PIG demands an investigation, stat.

Public Enemy Number One In Atlanta
Source: Sacramento Bee [12/09]

From our no good deed goes unpunished desk, PIG News brings you the action packed saga of a certain Atlanta subway rider. Donald Pirone stumbled into public transit hell when he spotted a fellow subway customer struggling to get a subway token from the automated token vending machine. Donald came to the rescue by offering to sell his fellow passenger one of his extra tokens, at face value - the $1.75 he paid for it. That easily, our hero did a header into the dark underbelly of public transit. A roving transit cop spotted the transaction and he, she, heshe or it arrested then handcuffed Donald.

Securely ensconced in their reality-proof, Twilight Zone headquarters, the relevant Southern-fried public transit pinheads insist that the transit cop's antics are just fine by them. Spouting drivel about "the officer acting within the law" and some irrational bovine excrement about their economic woes, transit authorities defended their antics, including handcuffing Mr. Pirone.

If you live in Atlanta and ride the subway, be afraid, be very afraid. This public transit pesthole is run by meatheads who are utterly and completely devoid of common sense.

"Because I Said So"
Source: Venice Gondolier Sun (Florida) [12/07]

The fun started when the good citizens of Venice (Florida) decided to commemorate a long term Venice denizen, animal trainer Gunther Gebel-Williams by erecting a statue in his honor. Despite the fact that Mr. Gebel-Williams achieved room temperature in 2001, some PETA (People for The Ethical Treatment of Animals) pinheads decided to protest the festivities. PETA needed to air certain unresolved issues that these retards have with the deceased Ringling Brothers star. Big, big fun.

PETA's plans hit a major speed bump when they tried to get permission to attend from Venice Police Chief Jim Hanks:

'...Their request to attend the public ceremony on publicly-owned property was met with a resounding "No" from Police Chief Jim Hanks. Not only was the answer no, but the reason Hanks gave was something usually only a parent tells a child. "Because I said so," Hanks was heard to tell the protesters...'

'..."It's your Constitutional right to stand right here," Hanks was heard telling PETA spokesperson Elizabeth Parowski. "And I'm going to stand right with you. ... You can consult your lawyers and sue me later."...' (Gondolier Sun)

Thanks to Chief Hanks, the PETA punks were isolated at the far side of the railroad tracks, an estimated 50-100 feet away from the ceremony. Call us names if you must, but Chief Hanks is our top candidate for Lawman of the Year.