Are you smoking those funny cigarettes again, Sparky? What makes you think PIG wants to hear about your petty problems? We are so not interested in listening to you whine, but, since you fell for such an obvious trap, we do have some pre-packaged...wisdom.

If any of these factoids fits your boring ass problem, feel free to use it. We wouldn't throw a fit if you sent us some dead presidents as a thank you, but won't lose any sleep waiting for you to shed those greenbacks you're hoarding in your mattress.

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Select the item(s) from this list that seems most suitable for your asinine problem(s):

Never leave your car with an auto mechanic whose favorite tool is his hammer.

You probably won't find Sheriff Andy Taylor in rural America, but every town has its Barney Fife.

A dude knows he's terminally hen-pecked when he's in a life-threatening situation and his life passes before her eyes.

Beware of enthusiastic amateurs. The phrase 'I'm trying out a new recipe' is the culinary equivalent of the military term: INCOMING!

'Good Samaritan' is Mother Nature code for a future human gene pool improvement candidate.

Any sport that includes the word 'extreme' in its name is, at best, insanely dangerous, and is, in reality, little more than organized suicide with an eager audience cheering the testosterone-poisoned participants to their doom.

No tyranny is more oppressive than the despotism perpetrated by those self-appointed behavior arbiters who gravitate to that egregiously anti-liberty cabal, the homeowners association.

A so-called 'living wage' is nothing more elaborate than the much more familiar 'minimum wage'...on steroids.

Network television sucks, because it spends too much time being politically correct and too little time presenting intellectually-stimulating entertainment.

A nation comprised entirely of CEO's, MBA's, shysters, political hacks and burger flippers is never going to invent anything except rampant poverty.

For every regulatory action, there's an equal - and opposite - marketplace reaction.

Professional students stay in college, piling up degrees, until their deep-pocket daddy - or, daddy-in-law - offers them a job.

You don't need to be a career asshole to own a cell phone, but it's a slam dunk that every hell on wheels asshat owns at least one of the damn things.

Any assertion that the International Organization of People Who Are Bigger Than The Goodyear Blimp are campaigning to repeal the law of gravity is only a slight exaggeration.

The governments obsession with road signs, speed limits and traffic signals reeks of authoritarianism and the naked aggression of a Fascist police state.

Attention Oppressors: Visiting D.C. can be very hazardous to your freedom. Based on D.C.'s Draconian in the extreme hate crime law, you can be charged with a hate crime for breathing, if the local authorities decide to nail your lily-white ass.

Attention Government Cess-School Inmates: We're sorry your mandatory government cess-school incarceration doesn't include meaningful training in such mundane topics as reading, writing and arithmetic, so, today, we're going to teach you to say 'white male oppression' with genuine, heartfelt emotion.

Never trust a company whose shyster-imposed product disclaimer is longer than the 'meat' of their advertisement.

When you hear a company announce than an executive is "leaving to pursue his own interests", it's the employment equivalent of "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up."

Computers embody all those annoying personality quirks that we hate when perpetrated by an alleged human.

Logic to a bureaucrat is like garlic to Dracula.

Government incompetence is built upon the bedrock of the infamous bureaucrat triple threat: affirmative action hiring; government school graduates in positions of authority; granting government contracts to the lowest bidder.

Thinking is your best defense against all flavors of propaganda...left-wing and right-wing. If that's too much trouble for you, then you deserve the kind of country you get.

God squad satellite networks are 21st century televangelism's globe-spanning collection plates.

Curiously, the very people who bellow the loudest about personal accountability - "Being responsible for your own actions" - the god squad, are the ones most likely to undermine personal accountability by invoking government coercion.

A is still A, except in Talibanma, Kansas, and Utah.

Words only have as much power as the listener bestows on them.

You can bet the farm that the 'Kick Me' sign hanging on Uncle Sam's back reads 'Made In China'.

Those who perpetrate self-parody by adopting a group identity shouldn't be shocked when a rational individual administers the occasional pinprick with pointed humor.

Free speech is not a gift bestowed on you by a benevolent government. Free speech is your inalienable birthright.

Nobody is more hateful than a campus way lefty who runs aground on bitter, inalienable individual liberty-based reality.

When Ivory Tower eggheads extol the benefits gained from racial diversity on campus, they neglect to tell, whomever, that these 'diverse' racial groups stare at each other, across an Ivory Tower-perpetrated, self-segregated void, from such great distances they need a Hubble Telescope to see each other.

Political correctness is a predictable byproduct produced by intellectual lethargy. It's much easier for intellectual flat-liners to outlaw entire areas of well-reasoned discourse than it is to re-animate their flabby, intellectual muscles.

A critical mass of 'real people' either don't own, are completely mystified by, or lost the operator's manual for that ubiquitous household fixture: the mirror.

Poptarts are a disposable, easily replaced, limited-use commodity. It's highly unlikely that any of them will achieve the long term success of Aerosmith, Kiss, Johnny Cash or the Rolling Stones.

Getting as much mileage as possible from a cute face and bubbly personality, Britney Spears is an unremarkable alleged singer whose only musical asset is a boob job.

Teenage boys will be thrilled to hear that spanking the monkey won't stunt your growth, nor will it make you go blind.

In the interest of public safety, anyone who thinks Jerry Lewis is a genius should be, automatically, banned from driving.

The real reason that the bra-burners in flannel shirts hate men is because dudes can take a whiz standing up.

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