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BILL TAYLOR
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Want to know if you're, or someone you know is a gentleman?
1. In the company of feminists, intercourse should be referred to as:
"Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in." "Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' " "Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are." 1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?" 2) How many seconds are in a year? 3) What is God's first name? "Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow." St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer." "The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve." "Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused. "Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …" St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too." "And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy." "Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?" "I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own." St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!" iPAD FOR SALE
If you are interested in getting an iPad, I can get hold of them through a contact. These arelegal, not off the back of a truck. They are from a canceled hospital contract due to the government cutbacks.The numbers are limited -I have twenty iPads going for less than half Price, so it's first come, first served. I have already sold one (pic is attached below so you can see what you would be getting). Get back to me as quickly as you can if you want one.
THE CELL PHONE
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train rolled out of the station. As the train rolled out of the station,the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in aloud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train." "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting." "No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. With the boss. Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had had enough and leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed." Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer. A HISTORY OF LIBERALS AND CONSERVATIVES
For those that dont know history, here is a condensed version: Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter. The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives. Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these Liberal men eventually evolved into women. Those became known as Girlie-Men. Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided. Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat. Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate utives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing. Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more Liberals just to tick them off. FREE DOG TO GOOD HOME
MEXAS ENTOMOLOGY
A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush's home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?" Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies." "Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." "Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. "No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their president a horse's ass." "That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more. After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though." OLD FART FOOTBALL
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'Its Fart Football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie score.' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.' Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, 'What was that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.' HOOKED
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.' 'What do you mean?' said the pirate. 'I feel fine.' 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.' 'We were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.' 'OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?' 'In another battle I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off and I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.' 'What about that eye patch?' 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.' 'You're kidding. You lost an eye from bird shit?' 'Well It was my first day with the hook. RUSTIC HUMOR
A Redneck passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow . . .. but she can't touch it 'till she's 14. How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel? Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to 32 ??? Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder: Who invented the toothbrush? Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery? A new Redneck law was just recently passed Did you hear that the Redneck Governor's Mansion burned down? WOP SLOP AND OLD GUYS
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Italian bread " She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves." She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves .... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard." He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me." A TRUE PIGAL
A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.' The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.' The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.' ' God Bless America ' PRIORITIES
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship, holding her hat tightly so that it would not blow away in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes I know," said the lady. I need both hands to hold onto this hat". SUITABLE SENDOFF
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist." The proctologist fainted. ARE YOU A DEMOCRAT, REPUBLICAN OR TEXAN? Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN Democrat's Answer: Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do a season series entitled, "Survivor-Texas Style." The contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I'm Gay, I Love the Dixie Chicks, Boycott Beef, I Voted for John Kerry, George Strait Sucks, Obama in 2008 and I'm here to confiscate your gun, I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you" The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins. THE LAST NICKELA father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? " 'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the Canada Revenue Service Taxation Division. IMPROVEMENT?An old Native Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two Government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles" asked one Official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." The Chief nodded in agreement. The Official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" The Chief stared at the Government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Natives were running it" "No taxes." "No debt." "Plenty buffalo." "Plenty beaver." "Women did all the work." "Medicine man free." "Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing." "All night having sex." Then the Chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve on that." SCHOOL DAZE: 1957 vs. 2007Scenario: Jack goes rabbit shooting before school, pulls into parking lot with rifle in gun rack. 1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns. 2007 - School goes into lock down, Star Force called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his ute or gun again. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers. Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school. 1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies. 2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Scenario: Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students. 1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again. 2007 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Robbie has a disability. Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt. 1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. 2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist. Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school. 1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with. 2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons. Scenario: Pedro fails high school English. 1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college. 2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English. Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up an ant nest. 1957 - Ants die. 2007 - Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-Terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's dad goes on a Terror Watch list and is never allowed to fly again. Read this excerpt from a Romanian Newspaper. The article was written by Mr. Cornel Nistorescu and published under the title 'C'ntarea Americii, meaning 'Ode To America ') in the Romanian newspaper Evenimentulzilei 'The Daily Event' or 'News of the Day'
Why are Americans so united? They would not resemble one another even if you painted them all one color! They speak all the languages of the world and form an astonishing mixture of civilizations and religious beliefs. On 9/11, the American tragedy turned three hundred million people into a hand put on the heart. Nobody rushed to accuse the White House, the Army, or the Secret Service that they are only a bunch of losers. Nobody rushed to empty their bank accounts. Nobody rushed out onto the streets nearby to gape about Instead the Americans volunteered to donate blood and to give a helping hand. After the first moments of panic, they raised their flag over the smoking ruins, putting on T-shirts, caps and ties in the colors of the national flag. They placed flags on buildings and cars as if in every place and on every car a government official or the president was passing. On every occasion, they started singing: 'God Bless America!' I watched the live broadcast and rerun after rerun for hours listening to the story of the guy who went down one hundred floors with a woman in a wheelchair without knowing who she was, or of the Californian hockey player, who gave his life fighting with the terrorists and prevented the plane from hitting a target that could have killed other hundreds or thousands of people. How on earth were they able to respond united as one human being? Imperceptibly, with every word and musical note, the memory of some turned into a modern myth of tragic heroes. And with every phone call, millions and millions of dollars were put into collection aimed at rewarding not a man or a family, but a spirit, which no money can buy. What on earth can unite the Americans in such way? Their land? Their history? Their economic power? Money? I tried for hours to find an answer, humming songs and murmuring phrases with the risk of sounding commonplace, I thought things over, I reached but only one conclusion... Only freedom can work such miracles. Cornel Nistorescu EGGSIf you think life is bad. How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. RECTUM STRETCHER While a man was flying down the road he noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. The cop pulled the man over, walked up to the car and asked him, "What's the hurry? " The man replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" The man responded, "I'm a rectum stretcher." The cop said "What is a rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?" The man said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide." The cop asked the man, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" The man simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge..." The ticket -- $95 dollars. The look on the cops face, PRICELESS ELDERLY COUPLEAn elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas . Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?' Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.' Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?' Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!' Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?' 'Nope', she replied. 'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!' Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb" Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only ..Ladies Forbidden" ...and thus the word GOLF entered the English language. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight." It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice. BODILY FUNCTIONSThe organs of the body always argued about who was the most important. Finally they agreed to have a meeting to try to decide who was in charge. Each organ took a turn speaking up: Brain: I should be in charge because I run all body functions. Blood: I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain. Eyes: I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it's going. Asshole: I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste. All the other parts laughed and made the asshole very mad. To prove his point, the Asshole immediately slammed tightly closed and stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever. Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief Day 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly Day 3 - Legs got cramps and became unstable Day 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurred Day 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned the body Day 6 - The other organs agreed to let the asshole be in charge. The moral of the story: No matter who you are, or how important you think you are, you will find that it is always the Asshole that is in charge. MANUREJust a quick history lesson!!! In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term " S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I had always thought it was a golf term! WORD ORIGINS Just a quick history lesson!!! In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when HMethane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term Thus evolved the term " S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transport) which has You probably did not know the true history of this word. I had always thought it was a golf term! THOUGHT FOR THE DAYHandle every situation like a dog .... If you can't Eat it or Screw it , Piss on it and Walk Away. DO THE MATH What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% And K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5=96% But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5=100% And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20=103% And, look how far ass kissing will take you: A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7=118% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top. FARTS A fart is a pleasant thing It gives the belly ease, It warms the bed in winter, And suffocates the fleas. A fart can be quiet, A fart can be loud, Some leave a powerful, Poisonous cloud A fart can be short, Or a fart can be long, Some farts have been known To sound like a song...... A fart can create A most curious medley, A fart can be harmless, Or silent , and deadly. A fart might not smell, While others are vile, A fart may pass quickly, Or linger a while...... A fart can occur In a number of places, And leave everyone there, With strange looks on their faces. From wide-open prairie, To small elevators, A fart will find all of Us sooner or later. But farts are all bad, Is simply not true- We must never forget....... Sweet old farts like you! TETANUS SHOT An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "I'm going to the doctor." She says, "Why, are you sick?" He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff." Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat. He says, "Where the hell are you going"? She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too." He says, "Why, what do you need?" She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot. A GOLFING STORY An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. "Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?" "Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off. "What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want . . . a great golf game . . . all the money he ever needs, . . . and a fantastic sex life." A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods; and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just wanted to ask ye, how's yer golf game?" "My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right." "Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?" "Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!" "I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?" The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK." "C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week are you gettin' it?" Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week." "WHAT??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's ALL? Only once or twice a week?" "Well . . . " says the golfer, ". . . . I figure that's not bad for a priest in a small parish." LEXUS A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped. Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a salesperson hadn't been near. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame I'm very sorry to say that, if you farted simply from touching it, you are going to shit your pants when you hear the priceTHE PHOTO ON THE NIGHTSTAND After a long nightof making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry..."Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. No silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. "That's me before the surgery". EXERCISE FOR OLDER (OR PHYSICALLY CHALLENGED) ADULTSBegin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level). After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks. A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORYIf you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine. Dear Diary:
MONDAY TUESDAY WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY FRIDAY SATURDAY SUNDAY I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun ------- like a Root canal or a vasectomy. POLITICSA little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: #1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President. #2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. #3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. #4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class #5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. "Now, think about that and see if it makes sense." So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So, the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks in the peephole and finds his father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class, while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep crap." MOUNTAIN WIFEA successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She as determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off" she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!" LITTLE WHITE BOYA little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. "Mom, look, I'm a white boy." His mom slaps him in the face and says, "Go show your father." He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look dad, I'm a white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, Go show your grandmother." The boy goes in his grandmother's room and says, "Mira, abuelita, I'm a white boy." His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says, "See. Did you learn anything from that?" The boy replies, "Sure did. I have only been white for five minutes And already I don't like you Mexicans." CAMEL SEXA new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here On the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That's Why we have Molly The Camel." The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about "urges", so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy with Passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a Ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants Down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" No not really, sir... "They usually just ride the camel into town where the Girls are." THE OLD COWHillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road. One evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists. About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick. "What happened to you," asked Hillary? "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me.!" "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary. The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it." HORSING AROUNDA New Yorker was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered to give her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud it echoed off the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, the Indian let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a -a-a!" and rode off. The service station attendant asked the woman what she did to get the Indian so excited and she said, "Nothing, I just sat behind him, put my arms around his waist and held onto the saddle horn, so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles. ONLY IN NEW MEXICOHang on to any of the new State of New Mexico quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U. S Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the New Mexico quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. "We are recalling all the new New Mexico quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, tollbooths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices. The problem lies in the unique design of the New Mexico quarter, which was created by an Espa–ola native and NNMCC graduate, Shackleford said. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices. LIFE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIASan Diego, California... A Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." This woke up the guy in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?" GLOBALIZATIONFinally, a definition of globalization I can understand and to which I can relate. Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization? Answer: Princess Diana's death. Question: How come? Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling), followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This is sent to you by a Canadian, using Bill Gates technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals... That, my friends, is Globalization!
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© Copyright 1993-2014 PIG - The Politically Incorrect Gazette
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When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued,
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