PIGPEN | Forum

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you:

Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Men are like....

1. Men are like laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like weather. Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like blenders You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like chocolate bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like commercials. You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like snowstorms.You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

JESUS IS WATCHING

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus is watching
you.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shone the light frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, the flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

SOME BRIT HUMOR

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.

They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.
>>>>>>>
During last night's high winds an African family was killed by a falling
tree.

A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said, "We didn't even know
they were living up there."
>>>>>>>
Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough
television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown
5 times a week now.
>>>>>>>
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick-pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low!
>>>>>>>
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth
floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
>>>>>>>
A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates.

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points
to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder
in great strides, climbs through the clouds and comes to a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder
and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another
man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Jesus. You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus!

The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.

Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:

"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

"No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"

"Yes, please, my Lord."

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out,

"Hey, Mohammed! Two coffees!"

DON'T MESS WITH OLD DUDES

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out-do anyone in a feat of strength.

He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,' he said. 'I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back.'

'You're on, old man,' the young braggart replied. 'Let's see you do it.'

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said,

"All right, STUPID, get in.”

THE CABBIE AND THE NUN

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that -

1) You have to be single and

2) You must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party!"

DIVORCED BARBIE DOLL

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

RYE BREAD

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished having sex with his wife and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, 'Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high
and you'll have great stamina with the ladies.'

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, 'Do you have any rye bread?'

She said, ‘Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?’

He said, 'I want 5 loaves.'

She said, 'My goodness, 5 loaves... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard.'

He replied, 'I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shit but me.'

THE PUNJABI LAWYER'S WIFE

A Punjabi lawyer working in UK wrote to his wife in India:

Dear Sunita Darling,

I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected my Company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses.

You are my sweetheart, please adjust.

Your loving husband,

Tuna Singh

His wife replied:

Thanks for the 100 kisses. Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses...

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.

2. The electricity man, Kooldip Singh, agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.

3. Your landlord Kapal Singh comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of the monthly rent.

4. Supermarket owner Jaswant Singh did not accept kisses only, so I gave him other items, I hope you understand.

5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses.

Please don't worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can survive the month using this balance.

Shall I plan the same for the next month?

Your Sweet Heart,

Sunita

THERAPY THAT WORKS

Worried about their sex life, a young wife sent her husband to a therapist, and to her joy, everything got much better.

However, she noticed that early into their "time", her husband would dash out to the bathroom for several minutes, this tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him.

There, in front of the mirror she found him applying this therapeutic technique "She is not my wife" for 5 times

MAKING A BABY

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.

But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh....equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.

HUSBAND DOWN

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back! We can't afford them," orders the wife.

They carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser, and it's half the price."

On the PA system:

Cleanup on aisle 25: We have a husband down!

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CRAZY AND STUPID

One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to a Mental Hospital. He discovered a flat tire when he was about to go home. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tire down. When he was about to fix the spare tire, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain. As he can't fish the bolts out, he started to panic.

One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened. The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can do, he told the patient the whole incident.

The patient laughed at him and said "can't even fix such a simple problem...no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver."

Here's what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tires and fix it onto this tire.Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, easy as that"

The driver was very impressed and asked "You're so smart but why are you here at the Mental Hospital?"

Patient replied: "Helloooooooo... I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"

THE SKI TRIP

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack 's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, ' Bob , do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob 's face turned beet red and he said,'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

LITTLE GIRLS ARE JUST HEAVENLY

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles..

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

KIDS SAY THE DARNEDEST THINGS

Kids Are Quick

Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America
Maria: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
Class: Maria.

Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
John: You told me to do it without using tables.

Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
Glenn: 'K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-L'
Teacher: No, that's wrong
Glenn: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
Donald: H I J K L M N O.
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Donald: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Winnie: Me!

Teacher: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
Glen: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I '
Millie: I is...
Teacher: No, Millie...always say, 'I am.'
Millie: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
Louis: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

Teacher: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
Simon: No sir, I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook.

Teacher: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Clyde: No, sir. It's the same dog.

Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Harold: A teacher

THE MEXICAN MAID

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Jor husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh..'

Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.'

Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

EVERY DAY IS MOTHER'S DAY!

In The Arctic...

In Africa...

Within The Ocean...

Somewhere Near Wal-Mart

VATICAN HUMOR

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning...

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph.. (Remember, the Pope is German...)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 155 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop..

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop:'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop:Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

INNER PEACE

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then You Are Probably ...

...The Family Dog!

THE FARMER

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence" said the farmer, "This is a special day for me. I am celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating," said the woman.

"What a coincidence," said the farmer, as they clinked glasses he added, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," said the man, "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" said the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, "What a coincidence."

THE HITMAN

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing, enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hitman," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her....... He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his pecker off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the golfer impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here.......”

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam.. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.

'How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St.. Peter said, 'Twelve?
Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learn't it from the song,
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.

A BAGPIPER'S STORY

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.

As I was opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years.

LITTLE OLD LADIES

Hope this touches you the way it touched me!

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Goodbye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker.

Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!!

DANGLING PARTICIPLES

On his 75th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will immediately become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.."

The man was encouraged. As he walks away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say'1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

A TRIP TO THE TOOLSHED

A Southern wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With super-human strength, born of fury, and firewood cutting power, she dragged him by his willy down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn.

She put his hoo-ha in a vice, then secured it tightly and removed the handle.

Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, 'Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?

The wife put the saw in her husband's hand and said...... 'Nope.I'm gonna set this old shed on fire. You can do whatever you want!!!

PATRIOTISM

Every once in a while you see a simple act of Patriotism that just fills your heart with so much pride that you get lumps in your throat.

What can I say?

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

God Bless America.

POP QUIZ TIME

New High School Exit Exam.

Passing requires 4 correct answers.

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below.

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years.

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador.

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses.

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November.

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur.

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs.

7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert.

8) What color is a purple finch ? Crimson.

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange, of course.

Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they may feel useless too.

LIFE SUMMARIZED IN FOUR BOTTLES

Crap! I'm Already On My Third One!

JESUS IS WATCHING YOU

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus is watching you.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he
heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shone the light frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, the flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked,'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.' The burglar relaxed.

'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed.

'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

BANTA SINGH

Banta Singh comes to Australia and goes to Woolworths’s.

He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.

The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids.

He asks Banta to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Banta goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Next week Banta finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids.

He asks Banta to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. Banta goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.

Next week Banta comes to Woolworth’s with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag.

The Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out..

He shouts at Banta: “What the hell ….? This is shit you Idiot!!!!!!”

Banta calmly replies: “Yes, and today I want to buy toilet paper”. THE BITCH

Well, sometimes life is a bitch!

You come home after a long, hard work day.

You really hope that your unemployed and not so intelligent wife at least has cooked some friggin dinner for you.

You struggle to get up the steps, find the key and open the door to your residence, and then, you find your wife sitting there on her ass, eating dinner that she has cooked for HERSELF ONLY!

Unbelievable.

She has been home the whole day and she couldn't even cook you dinner.

You think to yourself, why the hell did I marry her???

Oh, yeah...now I remember!!!

THE REDNECK AND THE TREE

Do you know the front from the back of a tree?

A redneck from Georgia decides to travel to Virginia to see God's Country. When he gets to Franklin, he likes it so much, he decides to stay, but first he must find a job.

He walks into the International Paper Company office and fills out an application as an experienced log inspector. It's his lucky day! They just happen to be looking for someone, but first, the log foreman takes him for a ride into the forest in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.

The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points to a tree.

"See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet it contains."

The redneck promptly answers, "That thar's a White Pine, 383 board feet of lumber in 'er."

The foreman is impressed! He puts the truck in motion and stops about a mile down the road. He points at another tree and asks the same question. This time it's a bigger tree of a different class.

"That's a Loblolly Pine and she's got about 465 clear board feet."

The foreman is really impressed with the Good Ol' Boy, he has been quick and got the answers right without using a calculator.

One more test.

They drive a little further down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time he points and say, "What about that one?"

Before the foreman finishes pointing, the redneck says, "White Oak, 242 board feet at best."

The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little ticked off because he thinks the redneck is smarter than he is. As they near the office, the forman stops the truck and asks Bubba to step outside.

He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there? I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree!"

The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot, how would he know which is the front of the tree?"

When Bubba reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk.

He walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk.

"That thar's the front," the redneck says.

The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?"

The Good Ol' Boy looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot, cleaning it in the gravel and replies, "Cuz somebody took a shit behind it."

He got the job and is now the foreman.

WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles
and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and
drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and
farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

DATING, ETHNIC STYLE

WHITE WOMEN
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex, but only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

JEWISH WOMEN
First Date: You get dynamite oral sex.
Second Date: You get more great oral sex.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and you never get oral sex again.

CHINESE WOMEN
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriendand his three kids move in ... and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.

THE POINT?

JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN!

CORPORATE SHAKE-UP

If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400 a week. Why?'

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me
what that goof-ball did here? '

From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'

STICKY SITUATION

Fred and Larry got married in San Francisco, but they couldn't afford a honeymoon.

So they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going to school, Johnny asks his Mom, "Are Fred and Larry up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "I don't care what you think. Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his Mom, "Are they up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His Mom replies, "Nevermind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny asks, "Are Fred and Larry up yet?"

His Mom says, "No."

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

Mom gives in and says "Ok, Ok. Go ahead and tell me what you think."

Johnny says, "Well, last night, Fred came into my bedroom and wanted the Vaseline and I think he took my airplane glue."

OL' BLUE

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. By halfway through the semester, he had foolishly squandered all his
money.

He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue, how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue into that program?"

The son says, "Just send him down here with $1,000. I'll get him into the course."

So his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls
home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father asks.

The son says, "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm, but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they’ve started to teach
the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue into that program?"

The son says, "Just send $2,500. I'll get him into the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero knows he has a problem. At the end of the year, his will find out Ol’ Blue can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol'
Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives in town?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

The son says, "I sure did, Dad!"

The father, greatly relieved, slaps him on the back and says, "That's my boy!"

The son went on to become a successful lawyer.

Eventually, he was elected the Governor of Illinois.

SERENITY OR SENILITY

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.

She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and
diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85
or 92.Have lost all my friends.But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be
cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?'

'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.'

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turned to the other and said:

'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'Slim said, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.''Really!? Like a newborn baby?''Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

THE SENILITY PRAYER :

God, Grant me the senility,
To forget the people,
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.